(no subject)
DUNUNUNUN, POSTIN' THE FIRST BATCH OF COUNSELORS.
FIRST ROUUUUND, big and healthy!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Miles Edgeworth
Series: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney series
Age: 26
Job: Logic Instructor
Canon: The Phoenix Wright series of games focuses on the titular protagonist, Phoenix Wright, as he struggles through several cases, defending a variety of people from a plethora of murder charges. Pointing out contradictions in witness statements, finding the evidence needed to prove his client's innocence, even cross-examining parrots on the stand is all par for course for Phoenix. Needless to say, most everyone in the series tends to have a high tolerance for the utterly bizarre. Along the way, he battles wits with a number of eccentric prosecutors determined to put his clients in jail.
Miles Edgeworth is a bit of an exception to that rule, however. When on the job, he appears to be cold and calculating. Initially, he had a reputation of having a perfect record and being ruthless, but over time Edgeworth becomes more concerned with uncovering the truth. But do not let the previous two sentences fool you into believing that Edgeworth is an ultra-serious prosecutor! This is, after all, the same man who quietly fanboys the series' tokusatsu parody "The Steel Samurai" and laments when his tea set is broken by a suspect and swears to prosecute the man to the fullest extent. He's not as uptight as he initially appears to be; rather, Edgeworth is a man dedicated to his job who maybe takes it a little too seriously and can get flustered every now and then.
Note: As per his character, the latest game features Edgeworth using "logic" and deductive reasoning to solve cases by connecting two points. This game tends to highlight words that are key to this process, in the grand tradition of the series and its love for highlighting things.
Sample Post:
I find it curious that any place would require such a thing as a "logic instructor." I wouldn't be questioning it if we were to discuss the fundamentals of famous logicians such as Gongsun Long, but this is no matter of mere philosophy. Rather, the subject is more along the lines of common sense, which is not something one would typically teach. Often during my work as a prosecutor, I find myself travelling quite often for a number of reasons such as to study other legal systems and the like. But the request to come here and teach simple common sense is ... well. Perhaps I should amend my previous statement: I found it curious that any place would require a "logic instructor" until I arrived here myself. The logic that governs this camp is a far cry from anything an average person would accept as "normal." Unless, of course, you have no qualms with a kraken being in a potential water supply, in which case your problems are much, much greater than simply needing to learn something about logic.
But more importantly - judging by your glazed looks, slackened and unhinged jaws, and putrid stench, none of you are actually alive, are you? Which would then make you the zombies I had been informed of, I assume. That aside, the young, potentially rotting woman in the front row seems to have left behind her right hand. Her index finger inexplicably has caught on the leg of my pants; I can only imagine that this occurred while she was shambling to her seat. Such an incident alone points to something out of the ordinary and indicates that she, like the rest of you, are zombies. Given that, I find it difficult to be able to even teach you such a ... Miss, if you would, come and fetch your hand, please. It's- mildly disconcerting.
As I was saying earlier, logic is not something that can necessarily be taught to those with disadvantages such as yourselves, with your lack of brainpower. E-excuse me, Miss, but given that these shoes were recently polished, I would prefer it if you did not salivate on them. - Deductive reasoning and its usage of logic, however, could be taught if the subjects were willing. In the simplest of terms, deductive reasoning requires connecting two pieces of information to come to a conclusion. For example, you are all zombies and you have a Pavlovian response to the word "brains," such as when I used it mere moments ago. The conclusion we can draw, then, is that you crave brains. ... Please, erm, stop looking at me like that.
Let's ... move on from that quickly. None of you are comprehending any of this, are you? Save for the deceased woman with the wayward hands in the front row, of course. Miss, perhaps you could help your peers grasp this basic lesson? If you could moan two or three points, we can then all work together to deduce what you are suggesting. This should hardly be difficult since it seems rather impossible for you to utter anything beyond simple phrases. First point - myself? That's simple enough. What is your second point? ... the lake? I see. If you could add in a third point to give some clarity to your peers, Miss? Slowly, if you would. Whipped crea-
... Miss, I don't need to use deductive reasoning to figure out that what you are suggesting is definitively not safe.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hijikata Toshirou
Series: Gintama
Character Age: Above 21, below 30. Let’s say 26.
Job: Camp Police
Canon:
Let's take a step back to the ancient Edo period of Japan, but with aliens invading. Yes, the Amanto have taken over Japan, giving Gintama a ridiculous anachronistic backdrop for fourth-wall breaking antics. The series mainly focuses on the Odd Jobs trio that run around doing random stuff because they really need money, but we've already had enough apps from those idiots. So from here on out, it's all about the mothalovin' Shinsengumi - Edo's police unit that spends most of its time chasing down Nationalist assholes and criminals, occasionally failing in a comedic way, and looking pretty fly in their uniforms.
Always with a cigarette either in his hand or mouth, Hijikata is the "demonic" vice-commander of the Shinsengumi, and poster boy for how to have a heart attack before you’re thirty. He's the brains behind the operations, meaning he's the Straight Man of the group; serious and proud, Hijikata doesn't take any crap and keeps the other members of the force in line. As a workaholic, he tends to really grab the reigns of any task; his respect for Isao Kondo, the Shinsengumi commander and founder, only increases the amount of work he willingly does, as he cleans up Kondo's messes and tries to keep him from losing face. However, this fierce swordsman actually has an incredibly blatant weakness - referred to as "mayora," he covers everything he eats in disgustingly huge amounts of mayonnaise, and his obsession is so intense and bizarre he actually dreams of going to Mayonnaise Kingdom. That said, Hijikata is one of the most reliable characters, who always follows up and is a little more tactful than even his superior.
Important note of fourth-wall importance: Hijikata's seiyuu is Nakai Kazuya, famous for being the voice of rowdy swordsmen and saying ridiculous Engrish such as "PUT YA GUNS ON!" in other series.
Sample Post:
Alright, so let’s get down to business. You’ve been enlisted into the Camp Fuck U Die branch of the Shinsengumi, hand-picked by the Director herself. Or, collected and put together by hand, from the looks of you all. Let's lay down some rules before we start: Rule #1 - you respect myself and Isao Kondo as your superiors! That means no biting or touching us in any sort of way, especially if it ends up below the belt. My sword's down there, you know - I meant the sharp one! You've already failed, Number 12! Get the hell out of my sight.
Anyways! Rule #2 - No reading that Shounen JUMP garbage! That's best left to adults who can't grow up and spend their days living through fiction! Gintama is running in it, after all. #3 - Cowardice is not tolerated! If you are shamed, you are a samurai - you perform seppuku properly, and think of the pride of the Shinsengumi. If you don't, I'll do it for you. These are the basics - I expect you all to read, thoroughly understand, and memorize the other fifty rules I have copied into your workbooks. You will be tested at any moment! You will follow these rules as your lifeline, because trust me, they are. Fail, and you are worthless as a Shinsengumi member and will be expected to make up for your mistakes! Or I will personally issue you punishment. You don't want to let me down.
Furthermore, those who show the most improvement and put the most effort into today's training will be rewarded! As your vice-commander, I demand respect, but I respect you as well. Those who impress me today will be given a Hijikata Special! Trust me, they're absolutely delicious. Work hard for one of these - they're worth it, even if you are missing bits of intestine and tongue. Yes, Number 10? You want to try some already? … oi, that’s a rude waste of food. But fine, if you don’t want it, I’ll have it. There are starving children all over the Mayonnaise Kingdom, you know, and here you are refusing to eat it. They work twenty hour days just for a little bit of that sweet, smooth, creamy cholesterol, each drop filled with their blood, tears and sweat, and you're just handing it back like it's garbage. But you see, I wouldn't have held you being a terrible person against you, provided you didn't just imply ketchup was better. Mayonnaise could turn even that rotting head of yours into something delicious! Commit seppuku!
Now, back to business. You're all probably excited to start clashing swords, but before that training is more training! Find a partner, ideally one that you won't accidentally dismember or behead, and we can begin after I grab another pack of cigarettes. This is going to be a long, long day. Hmm? Oh, you want me to give you a pep talk? I don't see the need, especially after insulting my gift like that. Is the Shinsengumi cheer not good enough for you? Well, let me read it then. Ahem. "ARE YOU READY GUYS?! PUT YA-" OI, I CAN'T HELP WHO MY SEIYUU IS, YOU ASSHOLES! AND GET THE ROBOT COW OUT OF HERE, I'M NOT RIDING IT!
... hnn, fine, you can't have a Gintama app without breaking the fourth wall at multiple points. Not with those Odd Jobs idiots giving us a bad name, filling their samples with meta and references. You can have a Gintama app without all that stuff, since I just did it. But fine. You're reading this sentence at least, aren't you? Hurry up and vote! I don't care if you have voter fatigue or whatever excuse you have for not bothering to read past the canon section and the first paragraph. Do you need the mods to nag you? Shit, I hate this place already. There better be cigarette trees.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kondo Isao
Series: Gintama
Age: about 28 to 29
Job Human - Primate Relations
Canon: Let's have a little history lesson! Does anyone know who it was that brought Japan out of it's isolation during the Edo-period? If you answered the West, then you are absolutely WRONG. Aliens known as Amanto have invaded and taken over Japan, giving Gintama an environment for some anachronistic, fourth-wall breaking antics. Our series focuses on a trio, known as Odd Jobs Gin, that do whatever job that comes their way to make ends meet. Yep, no job is too big or too small, so long they get paid, but that's enough about them. Now, let's talk about the ones who enforce the law, keeping peace all throughout Edo... even if they blow everything up in the process. Yep, I'm talking about the Shinsengumi, and their commander, Kondo Isao.
Kondo Isao is a gorilla. ... Alright, not really, but you would think that's true because of his hairy physique and rather loud nature. Kondo will always be the first one to loudly deny him being a gorilla, even if he calls himself one from time to time. But whether he's human or primate, it doesn't change the fact that Kondo is a commander that cares deeply for the men he leads, to the extent that he thinks of them as equals and not as subordinates. A total nice guy, Kondo is very gullible and can only see the good points in a person, leaving him unable to see any of their bad points. Kondo is also kind of dumb, but it's a good thing that he has people that look out for him and make sure that he looks competent, because when he's not working, Kondo stalks Shinpachi's older sister, watching her from under a table, from the ceiling, even hiding amongst a stack of watermelons. Kondo doesn't even care that Otae-san continuously kicks his ass, because Otae-san is an angel, and that's how she shows her love, or at least that's what he thinks.
Sample Post:
Oi! What's the deal with rolling me into this camp in a barrel?! And what do you mean that "This thing is on like Donkey Kong!"? You shouted that when I bust out of that barrel. Is that your way of saying that I'm one of you? That's why I'm here with this job isn't it? What do you want me to do about the relationships between you and the campers here? Just because I look like a gorilla doesn't mean that I am one. Do I have to say "Uho~" to make you understand? Ah, wait, I know what those looks on your faces mean. I've seen that look so many times, I can't stand by and let them continue anymore! There's a job that I need to do here.
Ahem, attention gorillas! I see that your advances on the campers here at Camp Fuck You Die have been spurned countless times. I know what it is like to be constantly turned down too! Don't worry, I am here to help both you and the campers get along better. With my help, you'll win your campers' hearts, just like how I'll win Otae-san's someday.
It seems that the campers can't seem to see past the species differences. So what if you're a gorilla! There is only a 2% difference between human and gorilla DNA. I'm sure that once they overlook that small difference, they'll how great you guys really are. You're all very, very affectionate to the ones that have caught your eye, to the point that you just can't help yourself when you come near them. So what if that's what's preventing the campers from returning your love? Don't let something like that stop you!
Remember, perseverance is the key! A bed-ninja post can be your best friend. What better way to find yourself in the warm, loving embrace of the one that you're after? And then there's the mistletoe that comes twice a year. A holiday kiss from the one you love when they can't help but kiss back makes the best present you could ever ask for! Sure you're more than likely going to get punched and kicked for it, but we all will gladly take this pain! But what good is this advice when I can't follow it? HEY, YOU OUT THERE! App Otae-san! Help a brother out... not that I'm your brother or anything!
As commander of the Shinsengumi, I will help you in your pursuit of love any way I can! If you get into any trouble, just come to me! I understand just how deep your feelings go, so go out there and get them. Just remember this piece of information: humans want to be loved more than wanting to love someone. How do I know this?
Because my mom told me so.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Agent J ("Jay")
Series: Men in Black (movies)
Age: Late Twenties/Early Thirties
Job: Alien Accommodation and Regulation Officer
Canon: Ever look up at the stars and think that we're not alone in the universe? Well, you're right: there is something else out there! But don't let anyone know that you actually figured this out. Why? Because you might just find the Men in Black (aka MiB) on your doorstep, oh so ready to wipe away those alien memories and thoughts. The world of extraterrestrials is very hush-hush, and this mysterious organization intends to keep it that way. MiB is our backwater planet's connection to alien civilizations, and their agents supervise everything from alien immigration to stopping galaxy-crossing warships from blowing up Earth.
One of these agents is Agent J, one of MiB's finest alongside partner Agent K. Jay's got a New York attitude, suiting his NYPD roots, and for the most part, he's cool, jaded, and not one to take crap. The guy's street smart and a bit hot-blooded. You could say he's not exactly known for having a ton of patience, too. He can come across as pretty rough around the edges, and while he does have his gentlemanly moments, it tends to devolve into smack talk and threats. Even so, he'll get the job done, pretending to be agents from various government departments, kicking alien ass, and exercising his itchy neuralyzer trigger finger in the process.
*Note: A neuralyzer is a MiB device that flashes a blueish light at the intended target and causes memory loss of a set amount of time, as specified by the MiB member using it.
Sample Entry:
Louisiana Wildlife and Fisheries Department! Officer John Smith here. If I can just have a moment of your time, I have an important announcement to make.
I know ya'll want to get back to your hoedown, but I need everyone to clear the area. And by the clear the area, I mean leave. Understand? The lake's radioactive, and it's growing some crazy shit in there. So unless you enjoy having a tentacle up your ass, I suggest you follow my orders. Now I know you all are Southerners, so maybe you guys like tentacle rape down here. Maybe it's a redneck sport. Maybe it turns ya'll on. I wouldn't know, and I don't want to know. I'm all for cultural exchange, but I've had enough alien tentac--Look, just move yo asses before I put my foot in 'em.
Me and Marcy gotta have a chat. In private.
Now Marcy. What are you doing out here? I thought we had limited you to the Puerto Rico Trench, girl. We were looking for you for years. You know that? Just 'cause you're pretending to be a giant squid don't mean you can ignore the rules: no leaving your area without permission from MiB. I am ashamed you didn't notify us. Oh. You think this is funny, huh? You laughin'? Does it look like I'm being funny, Marcy? Slimy mother--That mess took weeks to fix! I will beat yo jelly-ass down if you keep that up, girl. I am trying my hardest to be civil here, and Kay ain't here to stop my itchy trigger finger.
Don't you go thinking that Ms. Sayre is gonna help you outta this one either. MiB's gonna crawl up and down her ass, too. You know how many illegal aliens she's got here? It doesn't matter if they look like humans; this ain't your homeboy's house where you can just crash on the couch for a few days. You and Sayre have single-handedly made this camp the biggest shit storm of illegal alien activity in the world! You gotta follow the rules: register, or we beat yo ass; go through customs, or guess what--ass beatin'; fill out the paperwork, or... C'mon. Give it to me... Ass beating. Keep up.
Look, if you really wanna be staying at this joint, you just gotta fill out some more--Aw, hell naw, didn't I tell those rednecks to stay away from here? They listen about as well as those damn New Yorkers. Man, it is one thing to think you're living next to a giant squid; it's another to know you're living next to a giant squid-like alien. Marcy! Don't you move a tentacle; you and me ain't done yet.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd ask for your attention, but I already have it. Just put away your shotguns and listen to me; I'll explain everything once I put on my shades. If you could focus on this blue light here, you'll learn everything you need to know.
Poll Vote!
Character: Mr. D
Series: Percy Jackson & the Olympians
Character Age: Immortal
Job: Interim Activities Coordinator and Director of the "Get Off My Lawn" Initiative
Canon: In Percy Jackson & the Olympians, the Greek gods are continuing to do what they do best: have flings with humans. Many, many humans. Now, when a god and a human love each other very much (or just love to get horizontal with each other), occasionally this results in a child. Once these children begin to attract the unfortunate notice of monsters, the kids that survive often make the trip out to Camp Half-Blood. This camp is a haven for demigods, where they find out about their heritage, play games, have sing-alongs, and learn how to fight and defend themselves in battle. You know, normal summer camp stuff.
The director of Camp Half-Blood is Dionysus, the god of wine and madness, who usually goes by Mr. D. As punishment for chasing after an off-limits nymph, Zeus sent Mr. D to camp to dry out for a century. Being deprived of his wine, mostly banned from leaving camp, and being forced to deal with young heroes has made Mr. D a very grumpy god indeed. He is sarcastic, bitter, pretends that he doesn't remember anyone's name, threatens those that irritate him with bodily harm, and is generally unpleasant to deal with. Mr. D often peppers his conversations with slang and pop culture references that the youth of today would understand, in a very derisive manner. Not exactly what you would expect from the god who by his very nature is always invited to every party, is it? Until his sentence ends, heroes have no choice but to put up with the grouch that runs their camp.
Sample Entry:
I suppose you expect some sort of grand speech, since you did go to the trouble of finding a way to call me here. Well, bully for you. Somewhere deep, deep inside, I am very quietly applauding your ingenuity. So quietly, in fact, to the point of inaudibility. But none of you would doubt my utter sincerity, would you? I didn't think so. Unfortunately, it's just my luck that out of all of the post-Mardi Gras parties I could have attended, I end up in in the middle of the swamp with you lot of overly excitable zombies. For the record, no I do not want to take part in your "Jamboree" and the next creature that asks me to join in the conga line will receive a hands-on lesson about spontaneous combustion. Think of it as an educational experience! A rather terminal one.
Oh goody, I'm so glad that we've managed to clear that business up. Perhaps there's something to be said for zombies versus the usual sort of campers that inflict themselves upon places like this. I haven't heard any backtalk, there's been no whining about potentially dying during activities, no complaints about monsters terrorizing the campgrounds, no "Mr. D you can't turn the unbelievers into dolphins!" . . . I could almost get used to the constant cry for brains, if it meant avoiding all of the other petty complaints. It's not as if the level and quality of intellectual conversation will differ. In fact, it can only be improved by not having to hear the constant drivel that emerges from the mouths of campers. It's not as if they actually engage their brains before they speak, anyway. At least you zombies have an excuse. You make better company than heroes, not as if that's difficult to do.
Maybe that's the key to surviving this wonderful new experience as the Interim Activities Coordinator: complete misanthropy and seclusion from the masses of irritating campers. You, Garrrrrrg . . . Arrrrrrg, whatever. Congratulations, you've just been appointed to the position of liaison between the campers and myself. Yes, I know, my kindness knows no bounds. You can thank me for it later. For now, take down a memo. You do have thumbs, don't you? Well then, write down something about how very happy I am to be working with everyone, bring up the exciting activities I have planned, blah, blah, blah. Mention that I have an open door policy and that I am always available to support campers between the hours of noon and 12:10pm. At all other times, my cabin will be strictly out of bounds, a rule with I intend to enforce with great prejudice. What are the children saying these days? Get off my lawn? And for those who will find even that to be "tl;dr" and beyond their puny attention spans, put this at the bottom in a large font size:
In the vernacular of your people, GTFO.
Poll Vote!
Character: Frau
Series: 07 Ghost
Character Age: Mid-twenties in appearance
Counselor Job: Religious Studies Counselor
Canon: After defeating their adversaries ten years ago, the Barsburg Empire has taken power and is, by all accounts, a pretty shady government. There is a sanctuary away from the government: the seventh district, where criminals and orphans alike are able to seek a safe haven with the Church. This is pretty handy when amnesiac ex-slave Teito Klein lands in the lap of Bishop Frau while fleeing for his life from Barsburg’s military, only to be dragged back to the Church.
Unlike the stereotypical pious bishop, Frau is raucous, rude, and a rough and tumble type. He holds no real regard or attachment to religion or God, and dislikes both. Porn-loving and perverted, Frau might seem like another cliché altogether-the peeping Tom who can’t help but look in on naked nuns-but his motivations run much deeper than that. Mature and determined to do right, Frau holds human life as high on the scale of importance, and devotes himself to protecting it in God’s place. He goes out at night in order to help people so he doesn’t draw attention to himself, and never asks for thanks. Usually Frau would simply prefer that people only get the surface, roguish impression of him, and he seals up his heart of gold where few can see it.
Sample Post:
Huh, you’ve all bothered to gather for my sermon? Figures I wouldn’t get off easy. But I didn’t think the walking dead would have a taste for religion, since you’re well past your last rites and not even on the road to reincarnation. Then again, maybe you're here to get those funny looking monkeys in robes to set you right? Talk about strong-arming a relationship. I wouldn't look to them to purify you. I'd lose those imps fast, because even if your balls haven’t dropped yet, they’re just gonna end up a matching shade of indigo in the end. And look at those furballs-that’s close enough to their real color. Hey, I didn’t know it was so easy to get a rise out of you. But if you’re so upset, why not just get out of my hair?
Damn, you aren’t all shuffling off after all. Fine, I’ll give you your worthwhile lesson of the day: God’s a giant dick, and not the kind you’re gonna get any satisfaction from. He’s cold, dead, limp and useless, so if you’re looking for some help, take matters into your own hands. Got it?
But … heh, while you’re all here, I’ve got another proposition for you, one that isn’t gonna need you on your knees, for praying or otherwise. All you’ve gotta do is appreciate a nice, round, pair of knockers and a good ass to go with ’em. Just make sure you’re using the right brains-the ones downstairs. As long as they’re working, you’ll be good to go. Mine helped me take this damn job, with the nudist holiday being the selling point. But until that comes round again, I’m gonna have to hammer God’s dickery into your ears, and then we’ll get down to business. This’ll be better than touching hand holding and making daisy chains.
See, there’s a noticeable lack of coverage on that holiday I mentioned. Heh, well, obviously, but, why not make a magazine and get more exposure? Who cares if it comes just once a year? That doesn’t mean you have to. If a bunch of women are walking around with it all hanging out, why not get them to pose for us? Of course we’re gonna ask for permission-no need for them to be hot and bothered. If they put out for our publication, then we’ll put one out. It’ll be a better welcome manual than “enjoy the eyeball soup, pray a lot, and don’t screw the barrier too hard when you’re frustrated.” Oh, heh, with the barrier. Our magazine will be just the type of thing to keep you company on those lonely nights in those rundown cabins.
It’ll have a nice coming out with a shiny cover and title. How about Camp Uncovered Magazine? Cover it with some scripture and write an editorial about how our director is a great woman; she can just say she reads it for the articles.
Poll Vote!
Name: Balthier
Age: 22
Series: Final Fantasy XII
Occupation: Hunt Board management
Canon: The king is dead; long live the king. As the twelfth installment of Final Fantasy opens, the king of Dalmasca is murdered and Ivalice is shaken by this unimaginable end to what has been a long and cruel war between the kingdom of Dalmasca and the empire of Archades. Two years have since passed, and war again looms on the horizon, brought on this time by stones which prove royal heritage and nullify all magicks, known as nethicite. So powerful is the stone that peoples from all sides of the world would kill for it, including but not limited to bunny girls and evil twins. And, of course, pirates.
Flamboyant, witty, charming, suave; Balthier is all of these things and more. A sky pirate with a taste for the romantic side of adventure and a love of freedom, Balthier is an important part of the main party, its "leading man" as he often calls himself. He is quick not only on the draw but at claiming treasures, a habit that never fails to find him in interesting company. He is the party's most talkative member and often doles out wisdom, witticisms, snark, and even advice. Like every good protagonist, he has had issues in the past, but for the time being he is quite content to do whatsoever he desires whensoever he chooses, provided that flair is involved in some way.
App:
Well, well! I suppose this was a sudden yet inevitable twist. That ought to teach me to pay more attention to a lead on a mark. Of all the farthest reaches, it would be my luck to touch down in a place with quite this much character; there's just no other word for it. Then again, this wouldn't be the first time a lack of information led to a nasty surprise, going by local populace. I can only hope there will be a change of wardrobe in store.
I don't suppose any of you are the Director I have heard so very much of? No? I hadn't thought so. It was elementary, really. Not a soul here resembles even half a stunning woman. The temptation of a large reward, huge tracts of land . . . A man should learn better than to jump at the first tip given him. Ah well. I suppose the role of 'straight man' is one I can handle. Let's cut our losses; I need information, and rumor has it you need someone to take charge of your hunts. That, of course, will be my job now if there are none who object. It hardly seems appropriate, given how dazzled we are, but none-the-less I must insist. Shall we vote on it, fair for fairness' sake? A reasonable handicap on my part as well - seventy percent or more to victory, what do you say?
Ah, excellent. Now listen carefully and allow me to explain the very basics of a hunt. First, our patron must submit a bill with the name of their desired target. For promise of reward, your job will be to go and fight the good fight on the patron's behalf and collect. Nothing to it, just thrills and baubles as far as the eye can see. Believe you me, that should be more than enough excitement for anyone in the present company. Excepting for travel little else worth mentioning, and even that itself is quite simple - Go past where you are meant to go and you shan't be able to collect even 200 gil.
Which serves as a reminder to both myself and you all, so far as loot goes. Not everything is worth keeping, mind you. But in seeing as so many of you newcomers simply cannot tell the prize from the paltry I am of course more than willing to look everything over and lend an expert hand. Though it certainly couldn't happen for free, but those are negotiations to make on a person by person basis. And let it suffice to say that charging an arm and a leg isn't so literal a term; nor is the five-finger discount, I am afraid. It would serve everyone well in the long run to remember such points, particularly if my name is to be attached to this clan. Who knows, you may yet find a way to circumvent these little expectations.
Come, let's call it a day. We shall all be in good company so long as we keep to our businesses. Fang Irl clan, I wish you well. Rest assured, your needs will be looked after with the utmost care. Call it working in tandem for now, and we'll both do well. On such a subject, I would do well with a new shirt! Or would you prefer me to go without? For the right price, I could be obliging.
Poll Vote!
Name: Harvey Birdman
Series: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Age: 36
Counselor Job: Camp Civil Litigator with a focus on Superhero Rights
Canon: Harvey Birdman starred in the Hanna-Barbera show Birdman and the Galaxy Trio in the 1970s, and saved the world from countless baddies back in the day. However, times got tough, superheroing became less lucrative, and so eventually Harvey fell back on his Plan B, got a mail-order law degree and is currently working as both a defense attorney and civil litigator in Sebben & Sebben Law Firm with other like-minded superheroes.
Harvey is, in the world of his show, a completely average Joe-his cases run the gamut from clearing Norville “Shaggy” Rogers and companion Scooby-Doo from possession charges, to defending “Quick Draw” McGraw's right to carry a guitar as a self-defense weapon. While Harvey isn't afraid to get down and dirty with the law to win a case, out of the courtroom, he's a kind, hardworking, somewhat naïve guy who just happens to have large wings growing out of his back... and a cowl that he never removes. He's a good-if somewhat crooked and crude-lawyer, and with his loyal sidekick-cum-legal-aide Avenger the Eagle at his side, he will gladly defend anyone from the forces of darkness, so long as “darkness” means “the clink.”
Note: Harvey can be very offensive, even when he means well.
Sample Post:
Ladies and gentlemen and... uh.
Members of the jury, today is a grim day. Today we are faced with a case that calls into question not only the humane treatment of criminal suspects under the care of the United States government, but of basic human decency. Today I stand before this court and I put it to you, Juror Number five, that even though your right arm is falling off at the elbow you have the right-not the privilege, not the choice-to do everything our God-fearing, God-loving forefathers wrote into the Constitution.
I refer in particular, of course, to sex. Coitus. Intercourse, as defined by the Merriam Webster dictionary and several popular pornographic websites as any and all interactions between the genitalia of two or more individuals, usually leading to sexual climax or orgasm. Ever since Benjamin Franklin banged anything with two eyes and a pulse-nay, before even that, since the time when George Washington gave it to our first First Lady daily and nightly and ever so rightly-I say unto you, ladies and zombies, since Alexander Hamilton was first revealed to be a huge homo, sex has been a right to all men and women in the United States.
With me today is a lonely woman. A woman who, like all of us, enjoys the occasional completely legal romp between the sheets. Sheets? Do tentacle creatures have sheets? She joins us today with a heavy heart, a troubled mind, and an unsatisfied sexual need. Her partner was willing, her candles were lit, her impossibly massive lace teddy was on. But what could she do? She was within the jurisdiction of one Director Sayre, who also joins us in court today as the guilty party to a heinous crime: she banned sex, under pain of unconsenting bodily mutation, within her encampment in Louisiana.
This encampment, called Camp Fuck You Die, is an independent city-state within the borders of the city of Hell-entirely upon American soil. Knowing full well the laws of our fabulous country, she banned this act in her encampment, forced her beliefs on others, and was perhaps the most well-known cockblock in the history of this great land.
I put it to you, freaks of the jury, is this right? Is it right to keep everyone around you from happiness just because you yourself are sad? It is right to ban a perfectly natural and healthy union between two consenting adults just because you own some land and they happen to be on it? Or is it childish, villainous even, to persecute others for loving and wanting to act on that lo--
Ooh, sorry, that's mine. I should really get this-Yello, Harvey Birdman. Oh, hey Avenger, what--? ...Okay. Uh-huh. No, no, I'm using the patriotic angle. I think it's going pretty well, actually--... a gun. Really. Several guns, even! And a personal guard of purple gorillas... No, I understand. Of course. Bye. Buh-bye. Yeah. Bye.
...Now, where was I-oh! Right.
In the interest of my life and the life of my client, I urge the jury to entirely disregard what I have just said. Director Sayre is an excellent, beautiful, totally-within-her-rights woman, and has been wrongfully persecuted by this court! By me. Shame on me! Haha.
The defense rests.
Poll Vote!
FIRST ROUUUUND, big and healthy!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Miles Edgeworth
Series: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney series
Age: 26
Job: Logic Instructor
Canon: The Phoenix Wright series of games focuses on the titular protagonist, Phoenix Wright, as he struggles through several cases, defending a variety of people from a plethora of murder charges. Pointing out contradictions in witness statements, finding the evidence needed to prove his client's innocence, even cross-examining parrots on the stand is all par for course for Phoenix. Needless to say, most everyone in the series tends to have a high tolerance for the utterly bizarre. Along the way, he battles wits with a number of eccentric prosecutors determined to put his clients in jail.
Miles Edgeworth is a bit of an exception to that rule, however. When on the job, he appears to be cold and calculating. Initially, he had a reputation of having a perfect record and being ruthless, but over time Edgeworth becomes more concerned with uncovering the truth. But do not let the previous two sentences fool you into believing that Edgeworth is an ultra-serious prosecutor! This is, after all, the same man who quietly fanboys the series' tokusatsu parody "The Steel Samurai" and laments when his tea set is broken by a suspect and swears to prosecute the man to the fullest extent. He's not as uptight as he initially appears to be; rather, Edgeworth is a man dedicated to his job who maybe takes it a little too seriously and can get flustered every now and then.
Note: As per his character, the latest game features Edgeworth using "logic" and deductive reasoning to solve cases by connecting two points. This game tends to highlight words that are key to this process, in the grand tradition of the series and its love for highlighting things.
Sample Post:
I find it curious that any place would require such a thing as a "logic instructor." I wouldn't be questioning it if we were to discuss the fundamentals of famous logicians such as Gongsun Long, but this is no matter of mere philosophy. Rather, the subject is more along the lines of common sense, which is not something one would typically teach. Often during my work as a prosecutor, I find myself travelling quite often for a number of reasons such as to study other legal systems and the like. But the request to come here and teach simple common sense is ... well. Perhaps I should amend my previous statement: I found it curious that any place would require a "logic instructor" until I arrived here myself. The logic that governs this camp is a far cry from anything an average person would accept as "normal." Unless, of course, you have no qualms with a kraken being in a potential water supply, in which case your problems are much, much greater than simply needing to learn something about logic.
But more importantly - judging by your glazed looks, slackened and unhinged jaws, and putrid stench, none of you are actually alive, are you? Which would then make you the zombies I had been informed of, I assume. That aside, the young, potentially rotting woman in the front row seems to have left behind her right hand. Her index finger inexplicably has caught on the leg of my pants; I can only imagine that this occurred while she was shambling to her seat. Such an incident alone points to something out of the ordinary and indicates that she, like the rest of you, are zombies. Given that, I find it difficult to be able to even teach you such a ... Miss, if you would, come and fetch your hand, please. It's- mildly disconcerting.
As I was saying earlier, logic is not something that can necessarily be taught to those with disadvantages such as yourselves, with your lack of brainpower. E-excuse me, Miss, but given that these shoes were recently polished, I would prefer it if you did not salivate on them. - Deductive reasoning and its usage of logic, however, could be taught if the subjects were willing. In the simplest of terms, deductive reasoning requires connecting two pieces of information to come to a conclusion. For example, you are all zombies and you have a Pavlovian response to the word "brains," such as when I used it mere moments ago. The conclusion we can draw, then, is that you crave brains. ... Please, erm, stop looking at me like that.
Let's ... move on from that quickly. None of you are comprehending any of this, are you? Save for the deceased woman with the wayward hands in the front row, of course. Miss, perhaps you could help your peers grasp this basic lesson? If you could moan two or three points, we can then all work together to deduce what you are suggesting. This should hardly be difficult since it seems rather impossible for you to utter anything beyond simple phrases. First point - myself? That's simple enough. What is your second point? ... the lake? I see. If you could add in a third point to give some clarity to your peers, Miss? Slowly, if you would. Whipped crea-
... Miss, I don't need to use deductive reasoning to figure out that what you are suggesting is definitively not safe.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hijikata Toshirou
Series: Gintama
Character Age: Above 21, below 30. Let’s say 26.
Job: Camp Police
Canon:
Let's take a step back to the ancient Edo period of Japan, but with aliens invading. Yes, the Amanto have taken over Japan, giving Gintama a ridiculous anachronistic backdrop for fourth-wall breaking antics. The series mainly focuses on the Odd Jobs trio that run around doing random stuff because they really need money, but we've already had enough apps from those idiots. So from here on out, it's all about the mothalovin' Shinsengumi - Edo's police unit that spends most of its time chasing down Nationalist assholes and criminals, occasionally failing in a comedic way, and looking pretty fly in their uniforms.
Always with a cigarette either in his hand or mouth, Hijikata is the "demonic" vice-commander of the Shinsengumi, and poster boy for how to have a heart attack before you’re thirty. He's the brains behind the operations, meaning he's the Straight Man of the group; serious and proud, Hijikata doesn't take any crap and keeps the other members of the force in line. As a workaholic, he tends to really grab the reigns of any task; his respect for Isao Kondo, the Shinsengumi commander and founder, only increases the amount of work he willingly does, as he cleans up Kondo's messes and tries to keep him from losing face. However, this fierce swordsman actually has an incredibly blatant weakness - referred to as "mayora," he covers everything he eats in disgustingly huge amounts of mayonnaise, and his obsession is so intense and bizarre he actually dreams of going to Mayonnaise Kingdom. That said, Hijikata is one of the most reliable characters, who always follows up and is a little more tactful than even his superior.
Important note of fourth-wall importance: Hijikata's seiyuu is Nakai Kazuya, famous for being the voice of rowdy swordsmen and saying ridiculous Engrish such as "PUT YA GUNS ON!" in other series.
Sample Post:
Alright, so let’s get down to business. You’ve been enlisted into the Camp Fuck U Die branch of the Shinsengumi, hand-picked by the Director herself. Or, collected and put together by hand, from the looks of you all. Let's lay down some rules before we start: Rule #1 - you respect myself and Isao Kondo as your superiors! That means no biting or touching us in any sort of way, especially if it ends up below the belt. My sword's down there, you know - I meant the sharp one! You've already failed, Number 12! Get the hell out of my sight.
Anyways! Rule #2 - No reading that Shounen JUMP garbage! That's best left to adults who can't grow up and spend their days living through fiction! Gintama is running in it, after all. #3 - Cowardice is not tolerated! If you are shamed, you are a samurai - you perform seppuku properly, and think of the pride of the Shinsengumi. If you don't, I'll do it for you. These are the basics - I expect you all to read, thoroughly understand, and memorize the other fifty rules I have copied into your workbooks. You will be tested at any moment! You will follow these rules as your lifeline, because trust me, they are. Fail, and you are worthless as a Shinsengumi member and will be expected to make up for your mistakes! Or I will personally issue you punishment. You don't want to let me down.
Furthermore, those who show the most improvement and put the most effort into today's training will be rewarded! As your vice-commander, I demand respect, but I respect you as well. Those who impress me today will be given a Hijikata Special! Trust me, they're absolutely delicious. Work hard for one of these - they're worth it, even if you are missing bits of intestine and tongue. Yes, Number 10? You want to try some already? … oi, that’s a rude waste of food. But fine, if you don’t want it, I’ll have it. There are starving children all over the Mayonnaise Kingdom, you know, and here you are refusing to eat it. They work twenty hour days just for a little bit of that sweet, smooth, creamy cholesterol, each drop filled with their blood, tears and sweat, and you're just handing it back like it's garbage. But you see, I wouldn't have held you being a terrible person against you, provided you didn't just imply ketchup was better. Mayonnaise could turn even that rotting head of yours into something delicious! Commit seppuku!
Now, back to business. You're all probably excited to start clashing swords, but before that training is more training! Find a partner, ideally one that you won't accidentally dismember or behead, and we can begin after I grab another pack of cigarettes. This is going to be a long, long day. Hmm? Oh, you want me to give you a pep talk? I don't see the need, especially after insulting my gift like that. Is the Shinsengumi cheer not good enough for you? Well, let me read it then. Ahem. "ARE YOU READY GUYS?! PUT YA-" OI, I CAN'T HELP WHO MY SEIYUU IS, YOU ASSHOLES! AND GET THE ROBOT COW OUT OF HERE, I'M NOT RIDING IT!
... hnn, fine, you can't have a Gintama app without breaking the fourth wall at multiple points. Not with those Odd Jobs idiots giving us a bad name, filling their samples with meta and references. You can have a Gintama app without all that stuff, since I just did it. But fine. You're reading this sentence at least, aren't you? Hurry up and vote! I don't care if you have voter fatigue or whatever excuse you have for not bothering to read past the canon section and the first paragraph. Do you need the mods to nag you? Shit, I hate this place already. There better be cigarette trees.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kondo Isao
Series: Gintama
Age: about 28 to 29
Job Human - Primate Relations
Canon: Let's have a little history lesson! Does anyone know who it was that brought Japan out of it's isolation during the Edo-period? If you answered the West, then you are absolutely WRONG. Aliens known as Amanto have invaded and taken over Japan, giving Gintama an environment for some anachronistic, fourth-wall breaking antics. Our series focuses on a trio, known as Odd Jobs Gin, that do whatever job that comes their way to make ends meet. Yep, no job is too big or too small, so long they get paid, but that's enough about them. Now, let's talk about the ones who enforce the law, keeping peace all throughout Edo... even if they blow everything up in the process. Yep, I'm talking about the Shinsengumi, and their commander, Kondo Isao.
Kondo Isao is a gorilla. ... Alright, not really, but you would think that's true because of his hairy physique and rather loud nature. Kondo will always be the first one to loudly deny him being a gorilla, even if he calls himself one from time to time. But whether he's human or primate, it doesn't change the fact that Kondo is a commander that cares deeply for the men he leads, to the extent that he thinks of them as equals and not as subordinates. A total nice guy, Kondo is very gullible and can only see the good points in a person, leaving him unable to see any of their bad points. Kondo is also kind of dumb, but it's a good thing that he has people that look out for him and make sure that he looks competent, because when he's not working, Kondo stalks Shinpachi's older sister, watching her from under a table, from the ceiling, even hiding amongst a stack of watermelons. Kondo doesn't even care that Otae-san continuously kicks his ass, because Otae-san is an angel, and that's how she shows her love, or at least that's what he thinks.
Sample Post:
Oi! What's the deal with rolling me into this camp in a barrel?! And what do you mean that "This thing is on like Donkey Kong!"? You shouted that when I bust out of that barrel. Is that your way of saying that I'm one of you? That's why I'm here with this job isn't it? What do you want me to do about the relationships between you and the campers here? Just because I look like a gorilla doesn't mean that I am one. Do I have to say "Uho~" to make you understand? Ah, wait, I know what those looks on your faces mean. I've seen that look so many times, I can't stand by and let them continue anymore! There's a job that I need to do here.
Ahem, attention gorillas! I see that your advances on the campers here at Camp Fuck You Die have been spurned countless times. I know what it is like to be constantly turned down too! Don't worry, I am here to help both you and the campers get along better. With my help, you'll win your campers' hearts, just like how I'll win Otae-san's someday.
It seems that the campers can't seem to see past the species differences. So what if you're a gorilla! There is only a 2% difference between human and gorilla DNA. I'm sure that once they overlook that small difference, they'll how great you guys really are. You're all very, very affectionate to the ones that have caught your eye, to the point that you just can't help yourself when you come near them. So what if that's what's preventing the campers from returning your love? Don't let something like that stop you!
Remember, perseverance is the key! A bed-ninja post can be your best friend. What better way to find yourself in the warm, loving embrace of the one that you're after? And then there's the mistletoe that comes twice a year. A holiday kiss from the one you love when they can't help but kiss back makes the best present you could ever ask for! Sure you're more than likely going to get punched and kicked for it, but we all will gladly take this pain! But what good is this advice when I can't follow it? HEY, YOU OUT THERE! App Otae-san! Help a brother out... not that I'm your brother or anything!
As commander of the Shinsengumi, I will help you in your pursuit of love any way I can! If you get into any trouble, just come to me! I understand just how deep your feelings go, so go out there and get them. Just remember this piece of information: humans want to be loved more than wanting to love someone. How do I know this?
Because my mom told me so.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Agent J ("Jay")
Series: Men in Black (movies)
Age: Late Twenties/Early Thirties
Job: Alien Accommodation and Regulation Officer
Canon: Ever look up at the stars and think that we're not alone in the universe? Well, you're right: there is something else out there! But don't let anyone know that you actually figured this out. Why? Because you might just find the Men in Black (aka MiB) on your doorstep, oh so ready to wipe away those alien memories and thoughts. The world of extraterrestrials is very hush-hush, and this mysterious organization intends to keep it that way. MiB is our backwater planet's connection to alien civilizations, and their agents supervise everything from alien immigration to stopping galaxy-crossing warships from blowing up Earth.
One of these agents is Agent J, one of MiB's finest alongside partner Agent K. Jay's got a New York attitude, suiting his NYPD roots, and for the most part, he's cool, jaded, and not one to take crap. The guy's street smart and a bit hot-blooded. You could say he's not exactly known for having a ton of patience, too. He can come across as pretty rough around the edges, and while he does have his gentlemanly moments, it tends to devolve into smack talk and threats. Even so, he'll get the job done, pretending to be agents from various government departments, kicking alien ass, and exercising his itchy neuralyzer trigger finger in the process.
*Note: A neuralyzer is a MiB device that flashes a blueish light at the intended target and causes memory loss of a set amount of time, as specified by the MiB member using it.
Sample Entry:
Louisiana Wildlife and Fisheries Department! Officer John Smith here. If I can just have a moment of your time, I have an important announcement to make.
I know ya'll want to get back to your hoedown, but I need everyone to clear the area. And by the clear the area, I mean leave. Understand? The lake's radioactive, and it's growing some crazy shit in there. So unless you enjoy having a tentacle up your ass, I suggest you follow my orders. Now I know you all are Southerners, so maybe you guys like tentacle rape down here. Maybe it's a redneck sport. Maybe it turns ya'll on. I wouldn't know, and I don't want to know. I'm all for cultural exchange, but I've had enough alien tentac--Look, just move yo asses before I put my foot in 'em.
Me and Marcy gotta have a chat. In private.
Now Marcy. What are you doing out here? I thought we had limited you to the Puerto Rico Trench, girl. We were looking for you for years. You know that? Just 'cause you're pretending to be a giant squid don't mean you can ignore the rules: no leaving your area without permission from MiB. I am ashamed you didn't notify us. Oh. You think this is funny, huh? You laughin'? Does it look like I'm being funny, Marcy? Slimy mother--That mess took weeks to fix! I will beat yo jelly-ass down if you keep that up, girl. I am trying my hardest to be civil here, and Kay ain't here to stop my itchy trigger finger.
Don't you go thinking that Ms. Sayre is gonna help you outta this one either. MiB's gonna crawl up and down her ass, too. You know how many illegal aliens she's got here? It doesn't matter if they look like humans; this ain't your homeboy's house where you can just crash on the couch for a few days. You and Sayre have single-handedly made this camp the biggest shit storm of illegal alien activity in the world! You gotta follow the rules: register, or we beat yo ass; go through customs, or guess what--ass beatin'; fill out the paperwork, or... C'mon. Give it to me... Ass beating. Keep up.
Look, if you really wanna be staying at this joint, you just gotta fill out some more--Aw, hell naw, didn't I tell those rednecks to stay away from here? They listen about as well as those damn New Yorkers. Man, it is one thing to think you're living next to a giant squid; it's another to know you're living next to a giant squid-like alien. Marcy! Don't you move a tentacle; you and me ain't done yet.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd ask for your attention, but I already have it. Just put away your shotguns and listen to me; I'll explain everything once I put on my shades. If you could focus on this blue light here, you'll learn everything you need to know.
Poll Vote!
Character: Mr. D
Series: Percy Jackson & the Olympians
Character Age: Immortal
Job: Interim Activities Coordinator and Director of the "Get Off My Lawn" Initiative
Canon: In Percy Jackson & the Olympians, the Greek gods are continuing to do what they do best: have flings with humans. Many, many humans. Now, when a god and a human love each other very much (or just love to get horizontal with each other), occasionally this results in a child. Once these children begin to attract the unfortunate notice of monsters, the kids that survive often make the trip out to Camp Half-Blood. This camp is a haven for demigods, where they find out about their heritage, play games, have sing-alongs, and learn how to fight and defend themselves in battle. You know, normal summer camp stuff.
The director of Camp Half-Blood is Dionysus, the god of wine and madness, who usually goes by Mr. D. As punishment for chasing after an off-limits nymph, Zeus sent Mr. D to camp to dry out for a century. Being deprived of his wine, mostly banned from leaving camp, and being forced to deal with young heroes has made Mr. D a very grumpy god indeed. He is sarcastic, bitter, pretends that he doesn't remember anyone's name, threatens those that irritate him with bodily harm, and is generally unpleasant to deal with. Mr. D often peppers his conversations with slang and pop culture references that the youth of today would understand, in a very derisive manner. Not exactly what you would expect from the god who by his very nature is always invited to every party, is it? Until his sentence ends, heroes have no choice but to put up with the grouch that runs their camp.
Sample Entry:
I suppose you expect some sort of grand speech, since you did go to the trouble of finding a way to call me here. Well, bully for you. Somewhere deep, deep inside, I am very quietly applauding your ingenuity. So quietly, in fact, to the point of inaudibility. But none of you would doubt my utter sincerity, would you? I didn't think so. Unfortunately, it's just my luck that out of all of the post-Mardi Gras parties I could have attended, I end up in in the middle of the swamp with you lot of overly excitable zombies. For the record, no I do not want to take part in your "Jamboree" and the next creature that asks me to join in the conga line will receive a hands-on lesson about spontaneous combustion. Think of it as an educational experience! A rather terminal one.
Oh goody, I'm so glad that we've managed to clear that business up. Perhaps there's something to be said for zombies versus the usual sort of campers that inflict themselves upon places like this. I haven't heard any backtalk, there's been no whining about potentially dying during activities, no complaints about monsters terrorizing the campgrounds, no "Mr. D you can't turn the unbelievers into dolphins!" . . . I could almost get used to the constant cry for brains, if it meant avoiding all of the other petty complaints. It's not as if the level and quality of intellectual conversation will differ. In fact, it can only be improved by not having to hear the constant drivel that emerges from the mouths of campers. It's not as if they actually engage their brains before they speak, anyway. At least you zombies have an excuse. You make better company than heroes, not as if that's difficult to do.
Maybe that's the key to surviving this wonderful new experience as the Interim Activities Coordinator: complete misanthropy and seclusion from the masses of irritating campers. You, Garrrrrrg . . . Arrrrrrg, whatever. Congratulations, you've just been appointed to the position of liaison between the campers and myself. Yes, I know, my kindness knows no bounds. You can thank me for it later. For now, take down a memo. You do have thumbs, don't you? Well then, write down something about how very happy I am to be working with everyone, bring up the exciting activities I have planned, blah, blah, blah. Mention that I have an open door policy and that I am always available to support campers between the hours of noon and 12:10pm. At all other times, my cabin will be strictly out of bounds, a rule with I intend to enforce with great prejudice. What are the children saying these days? Get off my lawn? And for those who will find even that to be "tl;dr" and beyond their puny attention spans, put this at the bottom in a large font size:
In the vernacular of your people, GTFO.
Poll Vote!
Character: Frau
Series: 07 Ghost
Character Age: Mid-twenties in appearance
Counselor Job: Religious Studies Counselor
Canon: After defeating their adversaries ten years ago, the Barsburg Empire has taken power and is, by all accounts, a pretty shady government. There is a sanctuary away from the government: the seventh district, where criminals and orphans alike are able to seek a safe haven with the Church. This is pretty handy when amnesiac ex-slave Teito Klein lands in the lap of Bishop Frau while fleeing for his life from Barsburg’s military, only to be dragged back to the Church.
Unlike the stereotypical pious bishop, Frau is raucous, rude, and a rough and tumble type. He holds no real regard or attachment to religion or God, and dislikes both. Porn-loving and perverted, Frau might seem like another cliché altogether-the peeping Tom who can’t help but look in on naked nuns-but his motivations run much deeper than that. Mature and determined to do right, Frau holds human life as high on the scale of importance, and devotes himself to protecting it in God’s place. He goes out at night in order to help people so he doesn’t draw attention to himself, and never asks for thanks. Usually Frau would simply prefer that people only get the surface, roguish impression of him, and he seals up his heart of gold where few can see it.
Sample Post:
Huh, you’ve all bothered to gather for my sermon? Figures I wouldn’t get off easy. But I didn’t think the walking dead would have a taste for religion, since you’re well past your last rites and not even on the road to reincarnation. Then again, maybe you're here to get those funny looking monkeys in robes to set you right? Talk about strong-arming a relationship. I wouldn't look to them to purify you. I'd lose those imps fast, because even if your balls haven’t dropped yet, they’re just gonna end up a matching shade of indigo in the end. And look at those furballs-that’s close enough to their real color. Hey, I didn’t know it was so easy to get a rise out of you. But if you’re so upset, why not just get out of my hair?
Damn, you aren’t all shuffling off after all. Fine, I’ll give you your worthwhile lesson of the day: God’s a giant dick, and not the kind you’re gonna get any satisfaction from. He’s cold, dead, limp and useless, so if you’re looking for some help, take matters into your own hands. Got it?
But … heh, while you’re all here, I’ve got another proposition for you, one that isn’t gonna need you on your knees, for praying or otherwise. All you’ve gotta do is appreciate a nice, round, pair of knockers and a good ass to go with ’em. Just make sure you’re using the right brains-the ones downstairs. As long as they’re working, you’ll be good to go. Mine helped me take this damn job, with the nudist holiday being the selling point. But until that comes round again, I’m gonna have to hammer God’s dickery into your ears, and then we’ll get down to business. This’ll be better than touching hand holding and making daisy chains.
See, there’s a noticeable lack of coverage on that holiday I mentioned. Heh, well, obviously, but, why not make a magazine and get more exposure? Who cares if it comes just once a year? That doesn’t mean you have to. If a bunch of women are walking around with it all hanging out, why not get them to pose for us? Of course we’re gonna ask for permission-no need for them to be hot and bothered. If they put out for our publication, then we’ll put one out. It’ll be a better welcome manual than “enjoy the eyeball soup, pray a lot, and don’t screw the barrier too hard when you’re frustrated.” Oh, heh, with the barrier. Our magazine will be just the type of thing to keep you company on those lonely nights in those rundown cabins.
It’ll have a nice coming out with a shiny cover and title. How about Camp Uncovered Magazine? Cover it with some scripture and write an editorial about how our director is a great woman; she can just say she reads it for the articles.
Poll Vote!
Name: Balthier
Age: 22
Series: Final Fantasy XII
Occupation: Hunt Board management
Canon: The king is dead; long live the king. As the twelfth installment of Final Fantasy opens, the king of Dalmasca is murdered and Ivalice is shaken by this unimaginable end to what has been a long and cruel war between the kingdom of Dalmasca and the empire of Archades. Two years have since passed, and war again looms on the horizon, brought on this time by stones which prove royal heritage and nullify all magicks, known as nethicite. So powerful is the stone that peoples from all sides of the world would kill for it, including but not limited to bunny girls and evil twins. And, of course, pirates.
Flamboyant, witty, charming, suave; Balthier is all of these things and more. A sky pirate with a taste for the romantic side of adventure and a love of freedom, Balthier is an important part of the main party, its "leading man" as he often calls himself. He is quick not only on the draw but at claiming treasures, a habit that never fails to find him in interesting company. He is the party's most talkative member and often doles out wisdom, witticisms, snark, and even advice. Like every good protagonist, he has had issues in the past, but for the time being he is quite content to do whatsoever he desires whensoever he chooses, provided that flair is involved in some way.
App:
Well, well! I suppose this was a sudden yet inevitable twist. That ought to teach me to pay more attention to a lead on a mark. Of all the farthest reaches, it would be my luck to touch down in a place with quite this much character; there's just no other word for it. Then again, this wouldn't be the first time a lack of information led to a nasty surprise, going by local populace. I can only hope there will be a change of wardrobe in store.
I don't suppose any of you are the Director I have heard so very much of? No? I hadn't thought so. It was elementary, really. Not a soul here resembles even half a stunning woman. The temptation of a large reward, huge tracts of land . . . A man should learn better than to jump at the first tip given him. Ah well. I suppose the role of 'straight man' is one I can handle. Let's cut our losses; I need information, and rumor has it you need someone to take charge of your hunts. That, of course, will be my job now if there are none who object. It hardly seems appropriate, given how dazzled we are, but none-the-less I must insist. Shall we vote on it, fair for fairness' sake? A reasonable handicap on my part as well - seventy percent or more to victory, what do you say?
Ah, excellent. Now listen carefully and allow me to explain the very basics of a hunt. First, our patron must submit a bill with the name of their desired target. For promise of reward, your job will be to go and fight the good fight on the patron's behalf and collect. Nothing to it, just thrills and baubles as far as the eye can see. Believe you me, that should be more than enough excitement for anyone in the present company. Excepting for travel little else worth mentioning, and even that itself is quite simple - Go past where you are meant to go and you shan't be able to collect even 200 gil.
Which serves as a reminder to both myself and you all, so far as loot goes. Not everything is worth keeping, mind you. But in seeing as so many of you newcomers simply cannot tell the prize from the paltry I am of course more than willing to look everything over and lend an expert hand. Though it certainly couldn't happen for free, but those are negotiations to make on a person by person basis. And let it suffice to say that charging an arm and a leg isn't so literal a term; nor is the five-finger discount, I am afraid. It would serve everyone well in the long run to remember such points, particularly if my name is to be attached to this clan. Who knows, you may yet find a way to circumvent these little expectations.
Come, let's call it a day. We shall all be in good company so long as we keep to our businesses. Fang Irl clan, I wish you well. Rest assured, your needs will be looked after with the utmost care. Call it working in tandem for now, and we'll both do well. On such a subject, I would do well with a new shirt! Or would you prefer me to go without? For the right price, I could be obliging.
Poll Vote!
Name: Harvey Birdman
Series: Harvey Birdman, Attorney at Law
Age: 36
Counselor Job: Camp Civil Litigator with a focus on Superhero Rights
Canon: Harvey Birdman starred in the Hanna-Barbera show Birdman and the Galaxy Trio in the 1970s, and saved the world from countless baddies back in the day. However, times got tough, superheroing became less lucrative, and so eventually Harvey fell back on his Plan B, got a mail-order law degree and is currently working as both a defense attorney and civil litigator in Sebben & Sebben Law Firm with other like-minded superheroes.
Harvey is, in the world of his show, a completely average Joe-his cases run the gamut from clearing Norville “Shaggy” Rogers and companion Scooby-Doo from possession charges, to defending “Quick Draw” McGraw's right to carry a guitar as a self-defense weapon. While Harvey isn't afraid to get down and dirty with the law to win a case, out of the courtroom, he's a kind, hardworking, somewhat naïve guy who just happens to have large wings growing out of his back... and a cowl that he never removes. He's a good-if somewhat crooked and crude-lawyer, and with his loyal sidekick-cum-legal-aide Avenger the Eagle at his side, he will gladly defend anyone from the forces of darkness, so long as “darkness” means “the clink.”
Note: Harvey can be very offensive, even when he means well.
Sample Post:
Ladies and gentlemen and... uh.
Members of the jury, today is a grim day. Today we are faced with a case that calls into question not only the humane treatment of criminal suspects under the care of the United States government, but of basic human decency. Today I stand before this court and I put it to you, Juror Number five, that even though your right arm is falling off at the elbow you have the right-not the privilege, not the choice-to do everything our God-fearing, God-loving forefathers wrote into the Constitution.
I refer in particular, of course, to sex. Coitus. Intercourse, as defined by the Merriam Webster dictionary and several popular pornographic websites as any and all interactions between the genitalia of two or more individuals, usually leading to sexual climax or orgasm. Ever since Benjamin Franklin banged anything with two eyes and a pulse-nay, before even that, since the time when George Washington gave it to our first First Lady daily and nightly and ever so rightly-I say unto you, ladies and zombies, since Alexander Hamilton was first revealed to be a huge homo, sex has been a right to all men and women in the United States.
With me today is a lonely woman. A woman who, like all of us, enjoys the occasional completely legal romp between the sheets. Sheets? Do tentacle creatures have sheets? She joins us today with a heavy heart, a troubled mind, and an unsatisfied sexual need. Her partner was willing, her candles were lit, her impossibly massive lace teddy was on. But what could she do? She was within the jurisdiction of one Director Sayre, who also joins us in court today as the guilty party to a heinous crime: she banned sex, under pain of unconsenting bodily mutation, within her encampment in Louisiana.
This encampment, called Camp Fuck You Die, is an independent city-state within the borders of the city of Hell-entirely upon American soil. Knowing full well the laws of our fabulous country, she banned this act in her encampment, forced her beliefs on others, and was perhaps the most well-known cockblock in the history of this great land.
I put it to you, freaks of the jury, is this right? Is it right to keep everyone around you from happiness just because you yourself are sad? It is right to ban a perfectly natural and healthy union between two consenting adults just because you own some land and they happen to be on it? Or is it childish, villainous even, to persecute others for loving and wanting to act on that lo--
Ooh, sorry, that's mine. I should really get this-Yello, Harvey Birdman. Oh, hey Avenger, what--? ...Okay. Uh-huh. No, no, I'm using the patriotic angle. I think it's going pretty well, actually--... a gun. Really. Several guns, even! And a personal guard of purple gorillas... No, I understand. Of course. Bye. Buh-bye. Yeah. Bye.
...Now, where was I-oh! Right.
In the interest of my life and the life of my client, I urge the jury to entirely disregard what I have just said. Director Sayre is an excellent, beautiful, totally-within-her-rights woman, and has been wrongfully persecuted by this court! By me. Shame on me! Haha.
The defense rests.
Poll Vote!