(no subject)
As my sleep schedule continues to erratic, have the last round!
Info about the next app date to come later o/
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Aaaand closed!
Character: Kate Kane/"Batwoman"
Series: DC Comics
Character Age: mid to late 20s
Job: Crossing Guard.
Canon: Growing up the bratty daughter of dedicated, loving military folk, Kate's life was changed forever when a tragic kidnapping and rescue attempt gone wrong led to the loss of her mother and identical twin sister. From then she grew close to her father and chose to pursue a military career as he and her mother had. Unfortunately, inability to lie about her homosexuality led to her discharge from military academy, a terrible blow to her self-image. After moving back to Gotham City she buries her feelings in a wild party lifestyle until a brief encounter with Batman inspires her to find a new way to serve the people.
As Batwoman she is skilled and well-equipped, drawing on years of special training, her family's fortune, and the help of her father. She's dedicated, more than a little feisty and good at what she does. Having spent all her life around trained army personnel Kate enjoys straightforwardness, as well as the discipline and structure of routine, and affectionately calls her father 'Sir' when she reports to him.
Sample Entry:
I arrived in camp at approximately 1220 hours. In spite of the time and the broad daylight conditions, the moon appeared to be shining in the sky. Furthermore, it seemed to be winking at me. This suggests the possible presence of hallucinogens of some variety in the air or an elaborate light show using future tech.
I commenced a perimeter search, noting little human activity near the barrier. Though the barrier itself is unguarded it appears to be equipped with powerful defense mechanisms. I witnessed a young man attacking the barrier with a large rock only for the rock to immediately bounce back at him; upon impact the boy turned into an animate plush toy but appeared otherwise unharmed. It is unclear whether the barrier caused the transformation through magical means or merely triggered a metahuman ability against the boy's will. The possibility of the former suggests caution should be taken, lest I find myself one foot tall and furry. The boy then threatened to 'care bear stare' the barrier into submission, lasting approximately five minutes before he gave up and made his way back to the inhabited portion of the encampment.
As of approximately 1300 hours I am being approached by a purple talking gorilla, no apparent relation to any gorilla super villains. He appears to be my official welcoming party and is supplying me with basic camp items (1 shot gun, 1 laptop computer and the most blindingly ugly tracksuit I have ever seen), as well as a series of pamphlets entitled as follows: 'So You're Becoming a Counselor, How to Deal With the Changes in Your Lifestyle and Changes To Your Body'; 'Bodyswitching and You'; 'It's Called a Breakdown Because It's Broken, Coming to Terms with Camp-Induced Mental Dysfunction'; and 'It's Okay, Everyone Is Gay'. Cute.
My preliminary survey of the camp makes it clear that this place is packed to the brim with crazy. I suspect, in the long term, it will make Gotham look sane in comparison. Should be fun.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Krayon
Series: Demon Diary
Age: A few thousand years
Job: Dream therapist
Canon: Demon Diary takes place in a fantasy world where demons, angels, and human coexist and contend for power. After the passing of Raenef IV, Eclipse is sent to find and rear the successor into a proper demon lord. However, the demon kingdom is not supportive of Raenef V, who is a completely klutz and otherwise completely unfit to be the successor to the great Raenef line. Insulted that Eclipse would ignore him in favor of a younger and inexperienced master, The Demon Lord Krayon attempts to recruit Eclipse, though he is unsuccessful. Krayon adds to the Castle Raenef freeloader list when he falls for the spunky knight Erutis, who does not reciprocate in the least his feelings toward her.
Even though Krayon maintains a youthful appearance due to his vanity, he is one of the five elder demons. As an elder, he is one of the most powerful demons in the universe, something he doesn't hesitate to flaunt, and at the center of that universe is himself. Krayon bends to his own whims and desires, ignoring the wishes of any other. He's the big, bad demon lord of Egae; if he has to exploit the weaker creatures for something as silly as billowing out his cape, he will absolutely do it without a second thought. If it's just the smallest act of consideration and doesn't benefit him, however, that's simply out of the picture. As ruler of the dream world, there is no distinction between fantasy and reality for Krayon. Every day is a dream-come-true. For himself.
Sample:
Burn!
Do I have your attention now? Fabulous. A certain unforgiveable situation has happened in your dump of a camp that I think you should be aware of. You see, as I was making my rounds - this job which I’ve been assigned is an insult to my abilities, might I remind you - I passed by these trees with the strangest birds I have ever seen in them. Do you know what happened? They spoke. Now, a speaking bird is really nothing new, but I will not have insolent birds addressing me without expressed permission. I wonder. What will become of your birds if they speak out again? If you care in the least bit for your colorful tongued pets, I suggest you shut their traps. There they were, sitting side-by-side and conversing about some poor boy that fell in the swamp or something. As I passed by them, the one bird says to me that I should be telling them what their dream last night means. Well, I wasn’t about to do that for some feathery squawk. It’s curious, as if the creatures knew what I was thinking, because the second bird says that the first would surely not want the advice from a tasteless, ascot fop.
True, my cravat is covered in these tasteless purple fragments thanks to an invasion from a most vile creature, but an ascot? No, no, listen to me. An ascot is a mere trifle in comparison. Must I explain to you what a disgrace this is? I don't believe it. Listen closely, for I will only say it once. The difference between an ascot and a cravat is that an ascot is tied around the neck, requiring not even a fraction of the precision or skill a cravat requires. An ascot may be fixed into place in as little as a few moments, but I dedicate a good deal of my morning ritual to my cravat. How then, with all the care I put into my cravat, can your birds suggest mine is unfashionable?
I seem to have lost myself in a lecture. As for the true purpose I have beseeched you today, I have come to apologize. I do not think you're worthy of this, however I must correct a previous statement I made. Earlier I asked you what you thought I might do to your winged friends, but the truth of the matter is that I have already passed judgement. Tell me, do you like the feathers on my cravat today?
Poll Vote!
Name: Jake Sully
Series: Avatar
Age: Late 20s - early 30s
Job: Alien Visitor Administration Training and Research Director
Canon: Somewhere on the other side of the universe is Pandora, a moon where the most valuable natural resource you can imagine is waiting to be mined out by your friendly neighborhood Earth mining crew. The catch? The largest source of this substance is under a village of Na'vi, the 8 foot tall, blue native people of Pandora. And they're none too keen to leave. In steps Jake Sully, a former Marine who just happens to be compatible with a cloned Na'vi body (called an Avatar), which he uses to get close to the indigenous people. But while searching out their weaknesses, he starts to see through their eyes realizes why their planet is worth so much intact.
Jake came to Pandora a paraplegic Marine, with all the loyalty and discipline you could ask for, and the bitterness of being restricted to a wheelchair. Once in his fully functional Avatar body, Jake was able to open up more and experience the world in a way he hadn’t been able to for a long time. His enthusiasm for mastering new things is somewhat infectious and he learns quickly enough, despite being something of an idiot. Jake manages to take most everything in stride, conforming to his new environment to the point of loving Pandora the way his adoptive Na’vi family do.
Note: Jake’s avatar body has the ability to connect to the natural network of living things on Pandora.
Sample Post:
Never thought I'd be using one of these recorders again. Uhh... This is video log one, location; Camp Fuck U Die, Jake Sully recording. I've been in this camp about three days now, and I've already seen way more than I expected. I'm supposed to be observing the locals and recording their reactions to aliens, so I won't spend too much time on the geography. Which is good, because our first flyover wasn't all that exciting. This place ain't much from the air, a few little houses and one big glowing lake, that's about it. But the locals aren't as forgettable.
Turns out no one really stays dead here, and the majority of the natives are like corpses. They're not so bad, though, for dead guys. Some of them got real excited that I had four fingers, since they did too. Only my hands came this way... theirs started out with five, but one fell off. They showed me around a little and I got to meet Marcy, who isn't as nice as her name sounds. When they pointed her out to me it was just a few tentacles laying on the shore of the lake. I tried to make a link with her and she tried to make a link with something of mine that's... private and personal. I think I'll stay away from the lake for a while.
I've been looking all over the past couple of days for some kind of network, like the one back home. My first attempt went pretty badly. Turns out there's a tree here that I can connect with, but instead of the voices of the ancestors, I think this one is the voice of... underwear. I wasn't sure at first, but the whole tree was growing panties and bras and boxers like most trees grow fruit. When I was connected to it I could hear and feel every underwire and y-front on it. They're a happy bunch, but I don't think I'll be doing that again soon. That was as close to another man's junk as I ever want to get.
I almost gave up on finding a unified network after that, until I started hearing rumors of something called "Chan". Apparently it's something that all the non-native inhabitants here can tap into to get closer to one another. So far I haven't had any luck finding a place to interface with it. And no one will give me a straight answer about it until I prove myself worthy. Some kind of ritual around here that I have to pass before I can have full access to Chan and "Renik", whatever that means.
I should probably sign off and get some rest, tomorrow is Tuesday and I'm told they have some sort of "special surprise" in the mess hall here on Tuesdays.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Artemis
Series: Gods Behaving Badly, by Marie Phillips
Age: Immortal! Appears as an adult woman.
Job: Dog-Walking Service (with a side of Animal Control)
Canon: The Greek gods used to have it all, but nowadays they're pretty much sunk. Crammed into a delapidated London property that they can't sell or leave, the Olympians have no choice but to put up with each other's terrible modern-day habits. Zeus and Hera haven't come downstairs in decades, Aphrodite's become a phone-sex operator, and Ares is annoyed by the growing epidemic of world peace. Shunted into ancient history by other major religions, the gods also have to deal with their drastically fading powers, and the fear of what will happen to them and to the world when their strength vanishes altogether.
Goddess of the hunt, the moon, and virgin chastity, Artemis has become a professional dog-walker who takes daily runs through the park, sometimes catching and killing small animals for pleasure. She prefers the company of beasts, particularly canines, and can't abide innuendo or sexual language. In these uncertain times, she remains a down-to-earth, authoritatively practical bastion with no patience for nonsense and hysterics, and keeps some semblance of order in the Olympian household. After centuries of experience, she's well-aware of her siblings' foibles and does her best to sort out the major messes they create-in particular, those caused by her thoughtless twin brother, Apollo. Strong-minded, casually stern, and with a penchant for making and enforcing rules, Artemis has her own imperfections (read: inability to treat mortals like they're real people) and insecurities about her loss of power and influence, but she's also the goddess who tries her best to up and do something about them.
Sample Entry:
Look, I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using the name of this, this camp in my presence. Not only do I find it deeply offensive, but it makes no sense whatsoever. While I've put up with a lot to get here, there are some things I'm simply not going to stand for. That name's the first one. Secondly, I don't know which of you is responsible for defacing the moon, but you'd better put it straight as soon as possible. That's the eighth time it's winked at me tonight.
Thirdly, what are Hades and Persephone doing in the Underworld? Look at this mess-ghosts and undead mortals everywhere. This is what happens when they stop taking their responsibilities seriously. You things can't even keep yourselves together for a moment, and you want to hire me? At least you have the sense to call away for a real professional, as this place certainly needs one, though I have to wonder about your putting animal control at the top of the priority list when you have so many other problems. Let's get one thing straight right now: you're out of luck if you're depending on me to keep the wild gorilla population down. Or the toucan, the squirrel, or the imported tentacle populations, for that matter. While I'm impressed at the range of wildlife you have in this place, I've also made it very clear that I kill for pleasure, not business. The more you misconstrue the word 'pleasure,' the more it puts me off!
And what was the other half of the job description? Walking this...pack of zombie puppies. I see they've developed a habit of chewing on people's ankles-not to mention their other tarsals, their metatarsals, and their toes. There's a fair amount of killer instinct I've got to work with there, at least, though they do seem a bit slow. Oh, I wouldn't call it a bad habit, as such; I'm sure once you've wiped your foot off and reattached everything it'll be as good as new, or at least close. But for now, it's an excellent teaching tool. That's the problem, you say? Nonsense. It's been a while since I've trained some proper hunters, and you're going to give them all the encouragement that they need.
Now. Where were we? Oh, yes, we'll need to establish some ground rules. You'll have to follow quite a few of those if you want my expertise; it's for your own good. Rule number one: I am always right. Rule number two: all parts of your dogs need to make it to me in some sort of cohesive form, every morning at eight-o-clock sharp. I am here to provide proper supervision for your pets, but I'm certainly not obligated to do that sort of picking-up after them. Rule number three: there will be absolutely no usage of laptops while I am providing you with instruction-
-I see. Let's skip straight to rule number thirty-four: that is, there is no such thing as that other rule thirty-four, and you'll regret it if you try to prove otherwise again.
Poll Vote!
Character: Duke Galstan ("Pel")
Series: Khaavren Romances
Character Age: Entirely unknown, but presumably over a millennia.
Job: Camp Discreet
Canon: Welcome to Dragaera, a world of elves who call themselves human, soul-eating weapons, psychic flying lizards, and conversations where hyperbole is par for the course and "two words" are anything but. At the heart of this is the Dragaeran Empire, tens of thousands of years old, and just as full of plots, politics, and intrigue as you might imagine.
One such citizen of this empire is none other than Pel. A Yendi, scheming and plotting comes as naturally to him as breathing. Courteous, polite, and every bit a gentleman, Pel is also ambitious and cunning, and has few scruples about using anything he can to his own advantage. Of course, his plans are as subtle as they are complex- if he were behind a plot, no one would even suspect him, and even the gods aren't always certain of what exactly he's up to. Nevertheless, he is loyal to the Empire- insofar as he stands to gain, at least- and his friends, no matter what the circumstance. Though this certainly will not stop him lying and scheming whenever it serves his purpose.
Note: a Discreet is a sort of specially trained confidant; someone an individual can confide in and receive advice from without worry that the confidentiality would be broken.
Sample Post:
Ah, so you are the emissary of Lady Sayre? That is well, then, for I wish to have two words with you. You perceive, that when I first received the summons requesting my presence in Lady Sayre's domain, at her behest, it was given to me to understand that she desired to avail herself of the services of a Discreet. Which is, in all certainty, a not entirely unreasonable request, even for one with such a busy schedule as myself, for those trained in the art of Discretion are indeed woefully few. Yet I would have expected, with all the greatest respect to your Lady, that anyone making such a request would be rather more informed as to the nature of the services requested.
Of course, such an oversight must surely be merely the result of a faulty communication, and certainly not any reflection upon the quality of her ladyship's policy, however, such treatment as I have received is nearly intolerable. Though I profess my ignorance as to what local custom may involve being shut in a wooden closet to pass judgment on whatever strangers deign speak therein, I can most certainly assure you that the duties of a Discreet do not involve being a "professional confessional attendant", as your colleague was so kind as to put it. Indeed, to suggest that such a thing as "anonymity" is necessary to protect a client's confidentiality is, at the very least, an exceedingly ignorant assumption, and moreover, an insult to the integrity of the vows undertaken by those who practice the art of Discretion.
But were that not issue enough, there is also the matter of the conditions I have been met with here. While I entirely understand that such a small, remote district could hardly be expected to offer all the luxuries one might find in the capitol, being expected to dwell in conditions that would hardly be tolerated by a Teckla is singularly offensive. Furthermore, I recall clearly that the agreement stated that I was to remain no longer than seventeen days at the greatest, not seventeen weeks, or months, and especially not indefinitely, as another of your esteemable colleagues seemed to have implied. In light of all this, I must respectfully request that I be given an audience with Lady Sayre directly, so that this missunderstanding may be properly addressed. So, if you would be so kind as to convey a message on my behalf...
My good sir, I most certainly will not take my message and place it in the regions you so crudely describe. Then, I presume, you are unwilling to assist me? That is indeed unfortunate, and so much so, that I must sincerely beg you to reconsider. Not for my sake, of course, but your own; it seems to me unlikely that the Lady Sayre would think well of you offending her guest, should it become known what else- ah! You ask what I would know of such matters? Well, I have certainly been made aware of some of the more... particular laws of this domain, and I am not unacquainted with the consequences- and alternatives. Ah, but far be it from me to betray the confidence of another's affairs, it merely seemed prudent on my part to point out the risks of being so exposed...
How did I know about your relation with your undoubtedly charming companion Ookie? Your pardon, my good sir, but I do not believe I understand the question which you do me the honor to ask. In fact, until you asked me that very question, I hadn't the least idea in the world, I assure you! I did, however, have my suspicions, which your reactions have more than amply sufficed to confirm. Now, then, do you not wish to reconsider your position on the matter at hand?
Very well, then, I knew you'd see things my way.
Poll Vote!
Character: China / Wang Yao
Series: Axis Powers Hetalia
Character Age: Over 4000 years of illustrious history!!! Ages well and looks eternally young adult-ish though.
Job: Master of Ceremonies
Canon: Axis Powers Hetalia! Adorable anthropomorphized countries running around and perpetuating un-politically correct stereotypes. Hetalia's China is definitely a bundle of bad Chinese stereotypes, but presented in possibly the cutest way possible. For one, he's got a bad Chinese accent, no matter what language he speaks. He knows he's one of the oldest countries around the block, and likes to lord his status as "big brother" of the east. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't get any respect. But perhaps he doesn't deserve it with all his "copymoe" ie. his bad quality American and Japanese ripoffs. Sulky and grumpy when things aren't going his way, and haughty and bratty when they are, China knows he's always right. After all, Confucius said you should always respect your elders, and who is older than China?
Sample Entry:
What is Camp Fuck You Die? So horrible name to get people to come! 1st impression is always very important and naming always has special meaning. That's why when you go to Chinese restaurant in America, even though dish is really "fry beef and bamboo shoots" we call it "happy family chow fun." It just sounds more delicious and auspicious and fortune! America is always thinking that I have endless fortune for him. I am even force to always serve shitty-tasting fortune cookie, even though they originate in Canada. Sigh, Canada. He try so hard right now, especially with Olympics but I know he has the best act to follow. How sorry for him! I watch his opening ceremony, and I see one of the scene he has 4 columns to go up at the same time but it fails. 4 is an unlucky number anyway, but how embarrassing that Canada can not get it up and the whole world is watching. Losing so much face... OK, I stop being so negative about Canada and more positive about me~!
So we need new name for Camp Fuck You Die, but everything is already label "CFUD." Too expensive to reprint all merchandise and web address, or something internet-relate, I don't know. The internet is so complicated, I just block it if I don't like it. But it's OK, I have the perfect solution! We can rename C F U D after my 4 newest friends I make here in camp. When I come here, I find these 4 gentlemen, and they were the most cool, 4 best-looking handsome zombies of all camp. They are reminding me of the 4 Gentleman flowers: the orchid, the bamboo, the chrysanthemum, and the plum blossom. These 4 flowers are traditionally painted in Chinese painting. Yes, this flower F4. It sounds familiar? Like a famous Japanese manga that is being made into Taiwan drama, and Japanese, and Korean, and most recently my own drama? That's right, who has copy moe for who now?! But it's okay, big brother knows flattery is sincerity and flattery. It's too hard not to copy me because almost everything civilized already does.
Aiyaaaa, I have so many culture!! But OK, I stop telling you facts about me and introduce this zombie flower boys! It just so happen that they are all Chinese because we know Chinese zombie is the best-looking. Here is Mr. Kang! Mr. Fu! Mr. Yu! And Mr. Dai! Kang (康) meaning happy, Fu (符) meaning charm, Yu (郁) meaning sweet smelling, Dai (戴) meaning to wear... Together their name is Kang Fu Yu Dai, meaning super happy, charming, smelling so good, and able to wear them, like perfect accessory! This is an aside for all the cute young girl out there-- even though I am your big brother, even brother knows that all the girls want a handsome, tall boyfriend who goes to Harvard medical school and from a rich family to be like perfect man who carries all you stuff when you go shopping. Anyway, Kang Fu Yu Dai are the super gorgeous, super cute mascot of the hottest, most HIGH Chinese-American camp.
Now CFUD will be a place where people will pay big bucks to go to. Tuesday's soup will be most delicious because who is ever hearing of a bad Chinese soup? Marcy will not bad touch people because the Chinese are more proper than America's oversex media. And I hear something about minimum 70%? It will be minimum 95% now because anything less than A+ is like failing for good Chinese student.
Poll Vote!
Info about the next app date to come later o/
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Aaaand closed!
Character: Kate Kane/"Batwoman"
Series: DC Comics
Character Age: mid to late 20s
Job: Crossing Guard.
Canon: Growing up the bratty daughter of dedicated, loving military folk, Kate's life was changed forever when a tragic kidnapping and rescue attempt gone wrong led to the loss of her mother and identical twin sister. From then she grew close to her father and chose to pursue a military career as he and her mother had. Unfortunately, inability to lie about her homosexuality led to her discharge from military academy, a terrible blow to her self-image. After moving back to Gotham City she buries her feelings in a wild party lifestyle until a brief encounter with Batman inspires her to find a new way to serve the people.
As Batwoman she is skilled and well-equipped, drawing on years of special training, her family's fortune, and the help of her father. She's dedicated, more than a little feisty and good at what she does. Having spent all her life around trained army personnel Kate enjoys straightforwardness, as well as the discipline and structure of routine, and affectionately calls her father 'Sir' when she reports to him.
Sample Entry:
I arrived in camp at approximately 1220 hours. In spite of the time and the broad daylight conditions, the moon appeared to be shining in the sky. Furthermore, it seemed to be winking at me. This suggests the possible presence of hallucinogens of some variety in the air or an elaborate light show using future tech.
I commenced a perimeter search, noting little human activity near the barrier. Though the barrier itself is unguarded it appears to be equipped with powerful defense mechanisms. I witnessed a young man attacking the barrier with a large rock only for the rock to immediately bounce back at him; upon impact the boy turned into an animate plush toy but appeared otherwise unharmed. It is unclear whether the barrier caused the transformation through magical means or merely triggered a metahuman ability against the boy's will. The possibility of the former suggests caution should be taken, lest I find myself one foot tall and furry. The boy then threatened to 'care bear stare' the barrier into submission, lasting approximately five minutes before he gave up and made his way back to the inhabited portion of the encampment.
As of approximately 1300 hours I am being approached by a purple talking gorilla, no apparent relation to any gorilla super villains. He appears to be my official welcoming party and is supplying me with basic camp items (1 shot gun, 1 laptop computer and the most blindingly ugly tracksuit I have ever seen), as well as a series of pamphlets entitled as follows: 'So You're Becoming a Counselor, How to Deal With the Changes in Your Lifestyle and Changes To Your Body'; 'Bodyswitching and You'; 'It's Called a Breakdown Because It's Broken, Coming to Terms with Camp-Induced Mental Dysfunction'; and 'It's Okay, Everyone Is Gay'. Cute.
My preliminary survey of the camp makes it clear that this place is packed to the brim with crazy. I suspect, in the long term, it will make Gotham look sane in comparison. Should be fun.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Krayon
Series: Demon Diary
Age: A few thousand years
Job: Dream therapist
Canon: Demon Diary takes place in a fantasy world where demons, angels, and human coexist and contend for power. After the passing of Raenef IV, Eclipse is sent to find and rear the successor into a proper demon lord. However, the demon kingdom is not supportive of Raenef V, who is a completely klutz and otherwise completely unfit to be the successor to the great Raenef line. Insulted that Eclipse would ignore him in favor of a younger and inexperienced master, The Demon Lord Krayon attempts to recruit Eclipse, though he is unsuccessful. Krayon adds to the Castle Raenef freeloader list when he falls for the spunky knight Erutis, who does not reciprocate in the least his feelings toward her.
Even though Krayon maintains a youthful appearance due to his vanity, he is one of the five elder demons. As an elder, he is one of the most powerful demons in the universe, something he doesn't hesitate to flaunt, and at the center of that universe is himself. Krayon bends to his own whims and desires, ignoring the wishes of any other. He's the big, bad demon lord of Egae; if he has to exploit the weaker creatures for something as silly as billowing out his cape, he will absolutely do it without a second thought. If it's just the smallest act of consideration and doesn't benefit him, however, that's simply out of the picture. As ruler of the dream world, there is no distinction between fantasy and reality for Krayon. Every day is a dream-come-true. For himself.
Sample:
Burn!
Do I have your attention now? Fabulous. A certain unforgiveable situation has happened in your dump of a camp that I think you should be aware of. You see, as I was making my rounds - this job which I’ve been assigned is an insult to my abilities, might I remind you - I passed by these trees with the strangest birds I have ever seen in them. Do you know what happened? They spoke. Now, a speaking bird is really nothing new, but I will not have insolent birds addressing me without expressed permission. I wonder. What will become of your birds if they speak out again? If you care in the least bit for your colorful tongued pets, I suggest you shut their traps. There they were, sitting side-by-side and conversing about some poor boy that fell in the swamp or something. As I passed by them, the one bird says to me that I should be telling them what their dream last night means. Well, I wasn’t about to do that for some feathery squawk. It’s curious, as if the creatures knew what I was thinking, because the second bird says that the first would surely not want the advice from a tasteless, ascot fop.
True, my cravat is covered in these tasteless purple fragments thanks to an invasion from a most vile creature, but an ascot? No, no, listen to me. An ascot is a mere trifle in comparison. Must I explain to you what a disgrace this is? I don't believe it. Listen closely, for I will only say it once. The difference between an ascot and a cravat is that an ascot is tied around the neck, requiring not even a fraction of the precision or skill a cravat requires. An ascot may be fixed into place in as little as a few moments, but I dedicate a good deal of my morning ritual to my cravat. How then, with all the care I put into my cravat, can your birds suggest mine is unfashionable?
I seem to have lost myself in a lecture. As for the true purpose I have beseeched you today, I have come to apologize. I do not think you're worthy of this, however I must correct a previous statement I made. Earlier I asked you what you thought I might do to your winged friends, but the truth of the matter is that I have already passed judgement. Tell me, do you like the feathers on my cravat today?
Poll Vote!
Name: Jake Sully
Series: Avatar
Age: Late 20s - early 30s
Job: Alien Visitor Administration Training and Research Director
Canon: Somewhere on the other side of the universe is Pandora, a moon where the most valuable natural resource you can imagine is waiting to be mined out by your friendly neighborhood Earth mining crew. The catch? The largest source of this substance is under a village of Na'vi, the 8 foot tall, blue native people of Pandora. And they're none too keen to leave. In steps Jake Sully, a former Marine who just happens to be compatible with a cloned Na'vi body (called an Avatar), which he uses to get close to the indigenous people. But while searching out their weaknesses, he starts to see through their eyes realizes why their planet is worth so much intact.
Jake came to Pandora a paraplegic Marine, with all the loyalty and discipline you could ask for, and the bitterness of being restricted to a wheelchair. Once in his fully functional Avatar body, Jake was able to open up more and experience the world in a way he hadn’t been able to for a long time. His enthusiasm for mastering new things is somewhat infectious and he learns quickly enough, despite being something of an idiot. Jake manages to take most everything in stride, conforming to his new environment to the point of loving Pandora the way his adoptive Na’vi family do.
Note: Jake’s avatar body has the ability to connect to the natural network of living things on Pandora.
Sample Post:
Never thought I'd be using one of these recorders again. Uhh... This is video log one, location; Camp Fuck U Die, Jake Sully recording. I've been in this camp about three days now, and I've already seen way more than I expected. I'm supposed to be observing the locals and recording their reactions to aliens, so I won't spend too much time on the geography. Which is good, because our first flyover wasn't all that exciting. This place ain't much from the air, a few little houses and one big glowing lake, that's about it. But the locals aren't as forgettable.
Turns out no one really stays dead here, and the majority of the natives are like corpses. They're not so bad, though, for dead guys. Some of them got real excited that I had four fingers, since they did too. Only my hands came this way... theirs started out with five, but one fell off. They showed me around a little and I got to meet Marcy, who isn't as nice as her name sounds. When they pointed her out to me it was just a few tentacles laying on the shore of the lake. I tried to make a link with her and she tried to make a link with something of mine that's... private and personal. I think I'll stay away from the lake for a while.
I've been looking all over the past couple of days for some kind of network, like the one back home. My first attempt went pretty badly. Turns out there's a tree here that I can connect with, but instead of the voices of the ancestors, I think this one is the voice of... underwear. I wasn't sure at first, but the whole tree was growing panties and bras and boxers like most trees grow fruit. When I was connected to it I could hear and feel every underwire and y-front on it. They're a happy bunch, but I don't think I'll be doing that again soon. That was as close to another man's junk as I ever want to get.
I almost gave up on finding a unified network after that, until I started hearing rumors of something called "Chan". Apparently it's something that all the non-native inhabitants here can tap into to get closer to one another. So far I haven't had any luck finding a place to interface with it. And no one will give me a straight answer about it until I prove myself worthy. Some kind of ritual around here that I have to pass before I can have full access to Chan and "Renik", whatever that means.
I should probably sign off and get some rest, tomorrow is Tuesday and I'm told they have some sort of "special surprise" in the mess hall here on Tuesdays.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Artemis
Series: Gods Behaving Badly, by Marie Phillips
Age: Immortal! Appears as an adult woman.
Job: Dog-Walking Service (with a side of Animal Control)
Canon: The Greek gods used to have it all, but nowadays they're pretty much sunk. Crammed into a delapidated London property that they can't sell or leave, the Olympians have no choice but to put up with each other's terrible modern-day habits. Zeus and Hera haven't come downstairs in decades, Aphrodite's become a phone-sex operator, and Ares is annoyed by the growing epidemic of world peace. Shunted into ancient history by other major religions, the gods also have to deal with their drastically fading powers, and the fear of what will happen to them and to the world when their strength vanishes altogether.
Goddess of the hunt, the moon, and virgin chastity, Artemis has become a professional dog-walker who takes daily runs through the park, sometimes catching and killing small animals for pleasure. She prefers the company of beasts, particularly canines, and can't abide innuendo or sexual language. In these uncertain times, she remains a down-to-earth, authoritatively practical bastion with no patience for nonsense and hysterics, and keeps some semblance of order in the Olympian household. After centuries of experience, she's well-aware of her siblings' foibles and does her best to sort out the major messes they create-in particular, those caused by her thoughtless twin brother, Apollo. Strong-minded, casually stern, and with a penchant for making and enforcing rules, Artemis has her own imperfections (read: inability to treat mortals like they're real people) and insecurities about her loss of power and influence, but she's also the goddess who tries her best to up and do something about them.
Sample Entry:
Look, I'd appreciate it if you'd stop using the name of this, this camp in my presence. Not only do I find it deeply offensive, but it makes no sense whatsoever. While I've put up with a lot to get here, there are some things I'm simply not going to stand for. That name's the first one. Secondly, I don't know which of you is responsible for defacing the moon, but you'd better put it straight as soon as possible. That's the eighth time it's winked at me tonight.
Thirdly, what are Hades and Persephone doing in the Underworld? Look at this mess-ghosts and undead mortals everywhere. This is what happens when they stop taking their responsibilities seriously. You things can't even keep yourselves together for a moment, and you want to hire me? At least you have the sense to call away for a real professional, as this place certainly needs one, though I have to wonder about your putting animal control at the top of the priority list when you have so many other problems. Let's get one thing straight right now: you're out of luck if you're depending on me to keep the wild gorilla population down. Or the toucan, the squirrel, or the imported tentacle populations, for that matter. While I'm impressed at the range of wildlife you have in this place, I've also made it very clear that I kill for pleasure, not business. The more you misconstrue the word 'pleasure,' the more it puts me off!
And what was the other half of the job description? Walking this...pack of zombie puppies. I see they've developed a habit of chewing on people's ankles-not to mention their other tarsals, their metatarsals, and their toes. There's a fair amount of killer instinct I've got to work with there, at least, though they do seem a bit slow. Oh, I wouldn't call it a bad habit, as such; I'm sure once you've wiped your foot off and reattached everything it'll be as good as new, or at least close. But for now, it's an excellent teaching tool. That's the problem, you say? Nonsense. It's been a while since I've trained some proper hunters, and you're going to give them all the encouragement that they need.
Now. Where were we? Oh, yes, we'll need to establish some ground rules. You'll have to follow quite a few of those if you want my expertise; it's for your own good. Rule number one: I am always right. Rule number two: all parts of your dogs need to make it to me in some sort of cohesive form, every morning at eight-o-clock sharp. I am here to provide proper supervision for your pets, but I'm certainly not obligated to do that sort of picking-up after them. Rule number three: there will be absolutely no usage of laptops while I am providing you with instruction-
-I see. Let's skip straight to rule number thirty-four: that is, there is no such thing as that other rule thirty-four, and you'll regret it if you try to prove otherwise again.
Poll Vote!
Character: Duke Galstan ("Pel")
Series: Khaavren Romances
Character Age: Entirely unknown, but presumably over a millennia.
Job: Camp Discreet
Canon: Welcome to Dragaera, a world of elves who call themselves human, soul-eating weapons, psychic flying lizards, and conversations where hyperbole is par for the course and "two words" are anything but. At the heart of this is the Dragaeran Empire, tens of thousands of years old, and just as full of plots, politics, and intrigue as you might imagine.
One such citizen of this empire is none other than Pel. A Yendi, scheming and plotting comes as naturally to him as breathing. Courteous, polite, and every bit a gentleman, Pel is also ambitious and cunning, and has few scruples about using anything he can to his own advantage. Of course, his plans are as subtle as they are complex- if he were behind a plot, no one would even suspect him, and even the gods aren't always certain of what exactly he's up to. Nevertheless, he is loyal to the Empire- insofar as he stands to gain, at least- and his friends, no matter what the circumstance. Though this certainly will not stop him lying and scheming whenever it serves his purpose.
Note: a Discreet is a sort of specially trained confidant; someone an individual can confide in and receive advice from without worry that the confidentiality would be broken.
Sample Post:
Ah, so you are the emissary of Lady Sayre? That is well, then, for I wish to have two words with you. You perceive, that when I first received the summons requesting my presence in Lady Sayre's domain, at her behest, it was given to me to understand that she desired to avail herself of the services of a Discreet. Which is, in all certainty, a not entirely unreasonable request, even for one with such a busy schedule as myself, for those trained in the art of Discretion are indeed woefully few. Yet I would have expected, with all the greatest respect to your Lady, that anyone making such a request would be rather more informed as to the nature of the services requested.
Of course, such an oversight must surely be merely the result of a faulty communication, and certainly not any reflection upon the quality of her ladyship's policy, however, such treatment as I have received is nearly intolerable. Though I profess my ignorance as to what local custom may involve being shut in a wooden closet to pass judgment on whatever strangers deign speak therein, I can most certainly assure you that the duties of a Discreet do not involve being a "professional confessional attendant", as your colleague was so kind as to put it. Indeed, to suggest that such a thing as "anonymity" is necessary to protect a client's confidentiality is, at the very least, an exceedingly ignorant assumption, and moreover, an insult to the integrity of the vows undertaken by those who practice the art of Discretion.
But were that not issue enough, there is also the matter of the conditions I have been met with here. While I entirely understand that such a small, remote district could hardly be expected to offer all the luxuries one might find in the capitol, being expected to dwell in conditions that would hardly be tolerated by a Teckla is singularly offensive. Furthermore, I recall clearly that the agreement stated that I was to remain no longer than seventeen days at the greatest, not seventeen weeks, or months, and especially not indefinitely, as another of your esteemable colleagues seemed to have implied. In light of all this, I must respectfully request that I be given an audience with Lady Sayre directly, so that this missunderstanding may be properly addressed. So, if you would be so kind as to convey a message on my behalf...
My good sir, I most certainly will not take my message and place it in the regions you so crudely describe. Then, I presume, you are unwilling to assist me? That is indeed unfortunate, and so much so, that I must sincerely beg you to reconsider. Not for my sake, of course, but your own; it seems to me unlikely that the Lady Sayre would think well of you offending her guest, should it become known what else- ah! You ask what I would know of such matters? Well, I have certainly been made aware of some of the more... particular laws of this domain, and I am not unacquainted with the consequences- and alternatives. Ah, but far be it from me to betray the confidence of another's affairs, it merely seemed prudent on my part to point out the risks of being so exposed...
How did I know about your relation with your undoubtedly charming companion Ookie? Your pardon, my good sir, but I do not believe I understand the question which you do me the honor to ask. In fact, until you asked me that very question, I hadn't the least idea in the world, I assure you! I did, however, have my suspicions, which your reactions have more than amply sufficed to confirm. Now, then, do you not wish to reconsider your position on the matter at hand?
Very well, then, I knew you'd see things my way.
Poll Vote!
Character: China / Wang Yao
Series: Axis Powers Hetalia
Character Age: Over 4000 years of illustrious history!!! Ages well and looks eternally young adult-ish though.
Job: Master of Ceremonies
Canon: Axis Powers Hetalia! Adorable anthropomorphized countries running around and perpetuating un-politically correct stereotypes. Hetalia's China is definitely a bundle of bad Chinese stereotypes, but presented in possibly the cutest way possible. For one, he's got a bad Chinese accent, no matter what language he speaks. He knows he's one of the oldest countries around the block, and likes to lord his status as "big brother" of the east. Unfortunately for him, he doesn't get any respect. But perhaps he doesn't deserve it with all his "copymoe" ie. his bad quality American and Japanese ripoffs. Sulky and grumpy when things aren't going his way, and haughty and bratty when they are, China knows he's always right. After all, Confucius said you should always respect your elders, and who is older than China?
Sample Entry:
What is Camp Fuck You Die? So horrible name to get people to come! 1st impression is always very important and naming always has special meaning. That's why when you go to Chinese restaurant in America, even though dish is really "fry beef and bamboo shoots" we call it "happy family chow fun." It just sounds more delicious and auspicious and fortune! America is always thinking that I have endless fortune for him. I am even force to always serve shitty-tasting fortune cookie, even though they originate in Canada. Sigh, Canada. He try so hard right now, especially with Olympics but I know he has the best act to follow. How sorry for him! I watch his opening ceremony, and I see one of the scene he has 4 columns to go up at the same time but it fails. 4 is an unlucky number anyway, but how embarrassing that Canada can not get it up and the whole world is watching. Losing so much face... OK, I stop being so negative about Canada and more positive about me~!
So we need new name for Camp Fuck You Die, but everything is already label "CFUD." Too expensive to reprint all merchandise and web address, or something internet-relate, I don't know. The internet is so complicated, I just block it if I don't like it. But it's OK, I have the perfect solution! We can rename C F U D after my 4 newest friends I make here in camp. When I come here, I find these 4 gentlemen, and they were the most cool, 4 best-looking handsome zombies of all camp. They are reminding me of the 4 Gentleman flowers: the orchid, the bamboo, the chrysanthemum, and the plum blossom. These 4 flowers are traditionally painted in Chinese painting. Yes, this flower F4. It sounds familiar? Like a famous Japanese manga that is being made into Taiwan drama, and Japanese, and Korean, and most recently my own drama? That's right, who has copy moe for who now?! But it's okay, big brother knows flattery is sincerity and flattery. It's too hard not to copy me because almost everything civilized already does.
Aiyaaaa, I have so many culture!! But OK, I stop telling you facts about me and introduce this zombie flower boys! It just so happen that they are all Chinese because we know Chinese zombie is the best-looking. Here is Mr. Kang! Mr. Fu! Mr. Yu! And Mr. Dai! Kang (康) meaning happy, Fu (符) meaning charm, Yu (郁) meaning sweet smelling, Dai (戴) meaning to wear... Together their name is Kang Fu Yu Dai, meaning super happy, charming, smelling so good, and able to wear them, like perfect accessory! This is an aside for all the cute young girl out there-- even though I am your big brother, even brother knows that all the girls want a handsome, tall boyfriend who goes to Harvard medical school and from a rich family to be like perfect man who carries all you stuff when you go shopping. Anyway, Kang Fu Yu Dai are the super gorgeous, super cute mascot of the hottest, most HIGH Chinese-American camp.
Now CFUD will be a place where people will pay big bucks to go to. Tuesday's soup will be most delicious because who is ever hearing of a bad Chinese soup? Marcy will not bad touch people because the Chinese are more proper than America's oversex media. And I hear something about minimum 70%? It will be minimum 95% now because anything less than A+ is like failing for good Chinese student.
Poll Vote!