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v-voters sobold .////.
Remember!
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- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. KER-CLOSED
Character: Phoenix Wright
Series: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (series)
Character Age: 26
Job: Official Voice of Reason
Canon: Ever wanted to cross-examine a parrot? Yell things at your DS (and actually get a response)? Then this is the game for you. Phoenix Wright (the games, not the person) is a not-at-all-realistic series involving lawyers, goofy lines of logic, and a whole lot of ambiguous gay. Playing as a defense attorney, you have to prove your clients are innocent by finding contradictions in your opponents' testimony. Despite the excessive amount of murder and mayhem involved, the series is inherently light-hearted, reveling in puntastic names and other flights of fancy. Where else can you interrogate a witness helpfully named Frank Sawhit?
In the middle of all this madness is the titular lawyer, Phoenix Wright. Single-minded and devoted, Nick is the kind of guy who believes firmly in the innocence of his clients, no matter how convoluted, crazy, or hilarious the evidence against them gets. Most of his victories spring from his ability to badger the hell out of people and snatch the triumphant truth from the jaws of defeat. This is not to say that Nick is all sunshine and lawyer rainbows; he's quite sarcastic and often nervous, especially when he ends up being the lone sane guy in a maddening world. Not to mention stubborn. Then again, when the entire world seems determined to screw you and your clients, stubbornness is practically a survival technique. The end of the third game sees him at the apex of his career, with several successful cases behind him ... and yet he still can't rub two pennies together for rent. Nor has he stopped flailing when things get a bit too crazy for his sanity thresholds.
Like all good Ace Attorney protagonists, Nick has an (inner monologue) and a tendency to emphasize important words.
Sample Post:
This can't possibly be the right place.
Er - I mean, this is almost definitely the wrong place, despite my name on the cabin door. (Is that ... blood? More importantly, d-do I really want to know the answer to that?) This was supposed to be an easy job offer. Ms. Sayre, your Camp -- uh -- You Die offered me enough to pay the bills for once, so I was almost hopeful this time. Even with the ... colorful entourage that showed up to give me the job in the first place. I'm pretty sure toucans aren't native to California, and I'm really sure that they don't go around delivering Camp Summons to eligible young attorneys. But it didn't seem unreasonable at the time. I might have been a little too desperate to think straight. I'm just not sure why you insists on calling a legal consultant a voice of reason. Being a lawyer doesn't have anything to do with being either sane or logical. The opposite sure seems to be a lot more accurate sometimes. Toucans or not, if I don't have to cross-examine a parrot, then this still isn't the most ridiculous case I've ever had.
But this ... this can't possibly be where I'm supposed to be working! The camp brochure was a little unusual, but it was very clear about certain details. Like the fact that I'm supposed to be working in a swamp. Normally I'd be willing to investigate before jumping to conclusions, but I ... er, stepped in a contradiction as soon as I got here. And now the evidence is all over my shoes. Muck and mud would be understandable, but manure? Where does something like that even come from? The brochure clearly states that this part of Louisiana is mostly populated by robot cows and zombies, both of which would find making manure to be impossible! (Though, if android cows had some kind of electric ... let's not get into that.) That's not even the only impossible thing about this place. If I'm really in a swamp, then why is corn growing here? The fact that a bunch of corn stalks have been following me around all day doesn't make them any more like stalker vines! Even the "tentacle monster" doesn't make sense any more. A radioactive lake is odd enough for Louisiana, but a silo? I don't care how happy she is up there. Octopodes and oatmeal aren't supposed to mix!
Do you understand where I'm going with this, Ms. Sayre? There's just too many contradictions in this situation for it to make any sense. If Camp is supposed to be in a swamp, and this place is clearly neither swamplike or campy, then there's only one conclusion to be drawn: this place can't possibly be Camp -- You Die! The zombie escort that brought me here was dead wrong! How am I supposed to be a voice of reason if the conditions of my employment are completely unreasonable to begin with? In fact, I'm beginning to wonder why you brought me here in the first place. There has to be a true motive behind all of this, and I'm going to find it!
... right after I find something to clean off my shoes. And some aspirin.
Poll Vote!
Name: Ladd Russo
Series: Baccano!
Age: 25
Job: Festivities Coordinator
Canon: Hey kids! You know about String Theory, don't you: A butterfly flaps its wings, and half way across the world the moon falls on Louisiana? So goes the plot of Baccano!, only instead of butterflies and less-than-natural disasters it's a boat of 18th-century demon-summoning alchemists and the resulting mafia war, a train heist and a daring cell-phone robbery; and let's not forget the terrorists disguised as an orchestra, the woman in work clothes, or the circus performer who might just be an urban legend. All those loose ends weave together for a fun, fast-paced story that barrels along out of control down the rails, one part comedy, one part shounen action and 16 parts senseless violence --ﾊ but when your main characters are a group of honest-to-god immortals, those too stupid to die and those with just a lot of dumb luck, it's no wonder that the storyline ends up more confused than this metaphor.
Ladd Russo may not be immortal, but he's got no intention of dying -- quite the opposite, as it's his dream to kill everyone in the world, then spend the rest of his life killing his fiancee to death. That may sound like bad romance, but Ladd's not very good at emotions. Whether he likes someone or hates them, chances are he wants to kill them, and the less they want to die the more he wants to do it. Being the best assassin the Russo mafia family's ever had, Ladd's pretty damn good at killing, but he's not exactly what you'd picture for an assassin: Big, loud, and in your face, Ladd Russo is crazier than snow in the summertime, and is more than willing to tell you all about it, at length and with a lot of repetition. Ladd's self-confidence is nigh-unshakable, and he is the king of non-sensical tl;dr -- run-on sentences that change subjects half way through, then back, or just stop abruptly in the middle of a thought are all par for the course.
Sample:
Yo, Stephan~!
Na, is it true you're not really dead? Ah, well, that's pretty ordinary: Lots of people aren't dead, not yet. There are lots and lots of people in the world who don't want to die just yet, and that why I'm going to kill them. Ah, but, that's beside the point. You're not dead and that's ordinary, but then, you're not dead and that's pretty interesting, because I heard you're supposed to be dead -- Somebody killed you, na? And yet you're alive, and still here. That's interesting. Interesting... interesting, but upsetting! And wrong! Something like that... If someone isn't going to die when they're supposed to be dead, then they have no reason to think "Ah, I don't want to die!" And then, if they're not thinking that, if they're thinking instead how it doesn't matter at all if they're going to die in the next second or not, ah, well, what am I supposed to do! Some smug bastard, smugly thinking smug thoughts like "I can't be killed!" Thinking, "I'm not going to die!" -- something like that, he'd probably wear it all over his smug bastard face, and that would really piss me off! It's frustrating! It really turns my murder gauge up to the max, you know!
--Ah, well, I guess that can wait a while. For now, I think it would be better if you weren't dead. For one, because if you aren't dead, then I can kill you, and that would make me feel good. Secondly, secondly -- it looks like I have an assignment. I don't like being bossed around, you know, but I can take orders, if they're fun for me. I've got something fun planned for everyone: a happy anniversary party, to celebrate everyone so kindly living here for so long. And everyone knows a party is fun, na? It's a little late, this party, but there was a lot of planning to think of. Heh, no, that's a lie -- I haven't done any planning yet. Now, listen: we can invite everyone to a single building, where the party is. That will be fun. And then -- then we'll set the roof is on fire. We wont need any water, heh, let it burn -- the entire building!ﾊ Ah, well, that's a bluff -- but if we threaten then it might get our point across. If that doesn't work, then I can turn it into a hostage situation. I'm thinking I can kill half the people in the building -- that's a good number. Then everyone is happy! I get to kill people, and you get to know I've done the job I was hired to do. It will be such a surprise for everyone: a surprise party!
Ah, but, speaking of surprises, there was one for me, too. Hey, hey, you're not the only person here who's supposed to be dead, right? At first, I thought it would be really frustrating, you know? But then, I had this idea: Even if they come back to life after I've killed them, ah, well, I can just kill them again. The look on their face, that will be the best part. I'll show them, really show them! I'll show all these I'll-come-right-back types the true harshness of life! Haha! And you set all this up for me! Bringing me all the way out here to a place where people who have died don't stay dead. Even though you're the one that I want to kill the most of all, you know? Ah, well, you probably knew that already, Stephan, Mr. Not-Dying -- you'd know. And yet, you still did this for me: It must be love! Ha, well, I have a fiancee, you have a fiancee, she'd probably be upset if I killed you, but that's alright. Something like that could still be a good time. I want your love, and your lover's revenge --ﾊ I accept it all, so just go ahead and die!
Your coming back will be a great gift, ah, but, one for me. I don't think it will be a gift for you, probably; but you'll come back to life, so we'll have a lot to celebrate: congratulations on dying, on coming back, on your birthday! Many happy returns.
Poll Vote!
Character: Lady Johanna Constantine
Series: Hellblazer Special: Lady Constantine
Age: 25-26
Job: Pest Control
Canon: What would you do if, after your parents were hung for treason and your nobility was stripped away, you were thrown out on the streets to fend for yourself? If you're Johanna Constantine, you would've gotten right back up, studied magic, and used the knowledge to do whatever it took to get your family's wealth back. It's 1785 England and his Majesty's government has enlisted Johanna's help to retrieve a ~*secret box*~ of ~*mystical power*~ from a sunken ship before it falls into the wrong hands, unleashing chaos and destruction in the world (as magic boxes are wont to do). With the promise of the return of her family's title and wealth in exchange for the success of her mission, Johanna sets out to find the box, all in the name of money. Oh, and saving the world too, of course.
Johanna is not your typical English woman of the 18th century. Hardened by life on the streets of London, she rarely lets her guard down and pays little respect to the authority. Cunning and powerful, Johanna's a smooth talker and is not above using the people around her to get what she wants. Unbeknown to most people, Johanna has a softer, motherly side that she only reveals to her sister, Mouse, and isn't actually as greedy as she appears to be. Her main reason for pursuing wealth and nobility is actually all for her aforementioned sister. Determined to give Mouse the luxurious life she believes they deserve, Johanna is audacious and will stop at nothing to turn this dream into a reality come Hell or high water-quite literally in the case of the former. She is constantly putting her life on the line by diving headfirst into danger, though never without a trick or two up her sleeve.
Sample Post:
Pest control, you say?
It's not that I'm not interested, Miss Sayre, but I'm finding it rather difficult to see how this could benefit me. You see, my services fetch a very high price in the market these days and your letter led me to believe that I was to receive substantial payment for my time here. Yet, upon arriving, I am now told that I never had a salary to begin with? That's hardly what I would call 'fair'. How would you like it if you were in a similar position? I suppose if I were you I'd do everything in my power to get revenge, but that's a different story for another day. Now, though, assuming I agree to this arrangement regardless of the price, we really must discuss the matter of running an establishment such as this in a swamp. That's what I'm here for, after all, to clean up your mess.
You say this is some sort training facility yet I hardly see anything that remotely resembles an appropriate one. Your cabins are in complete disarray, the lake looks as if it's been cursed, and that's to say nothing of your carelessness in looking after the children. From what I can see of your livestock, I imagine their safety is threatened on a daily basis. My point is, how can you expect the children to excel to their full potential when their morals are so low? I can see where you're coming from, though, if you thought this would serve as a suitable component of the training, but you're going about it all wrong. While I may not exactly be adverse to jumping in with both feet myself, I'm certainly not going to apply that philosophy to everyone else. You have to take it slow sometimes.
Would you mind terribly if I borrow one of your dead over there? This would make my demonstration so much easier to perform.
Gather around and watch closely, everyone. I know my little undead friend here looks alarming at first but if you pay attention, you'll see that he's really quite harmless. Don't worry, you'll grow accustomed to the rotting flesh and putrid odor soon, I promise. Now, where was I? Oh right, my demonstration. Now, as I said, this fellow here is quite slow, and not just in the physical sense. See how his legs are twisted in such a humanly impossible angle? You could hop away on one foot and be miles ahead of him in a matter of minutes. I can see that many of you already prefer running away rather than facing this creature head on. Well, let me assure you that by the time I'm done here, they'll be the ones fleeing in the opposite direction. You see, there's a simple trick when it comes to dealing with these things. Taking out a leg or arm is all fine and dandy, but it's essentially still alive ... in a sense. So how do you stop this creature from moving completely?
You cut off the source of the problem, the head. Alternatively, you could shoot it if that's what you prefer. I must admit that I'm quite fond of that method myself, as you can plainly see.
Well, Miss Sayre, I've proven my worth for the position you've asked me to fill. As such, I would like to return to the original matter at hand: my payment. I believe you'll find my terms of one hundred pounds per month a reasonable amount. You could even call it a steal if you like. If not, you might find yourself in a similar, tragic state as your undead vermin over there. Sooner or later, Miss Sayre, everyone's time will come, and you are no exception.
Poll Vote!
Character: Doctor Leonard H McCoy.
Series: Star Trek 2009 movie (Trek
Reboot).
Age: 36 (actor's age when movie was filming)
Job: Doctor, dammit, not a bricklayer.
Canon: Star Trek's set in the 23rd century, with lots of
spaceships, shooting, time travel, good aliens, bad aliens, and kinky
humans. Lots of boldly going where no man one has gone before.
The 2009 movie reboots the original series canon. Planet Vulcan is
under attack. The Enterprise responds to the distress signal.
McCoy's assigned to the Enterprise, and he hauls his best friend
along, cadet and convicted simulation-tinkerer James T Kirk.
McCoy's technophobic, fiercely protective, and smart. He's bitter as
an angry lemon thanks to his divorce, where his ex-wife Jocelyn took
everything from him except for his bones (and his sense of hyperbole).
He's an innately good person, a brilliant doctor, and a
pacifist, but he's not always gentle. He has a core of solid
stubbornness, and gives people what they need. If that's a kick
in the pants, he has no trouble administering it no matter whose
posterior is on the receiving end.
He may not be a fighter, but he could snark you to death with both
hands tied behind his back.
Sample post:
Now, where the hell am I?
I always knew this'd happen. Goddamn transporters. Take you apart, put
you back together again, but you never quite know if you're still you,
right? They reduce you down to the molecular level, and even
further than that, till you're nothing but electrons, protons, quarks,
and a vague sense of ennui, then they build you back up again in the
twinkling of an eye.
How would you know if the you that's checking you over
anxiously to check that all your parts in the right place is still
you? Maybe you're looking at yourself going yes, yes, what a relief, I
still have my sparkly butterfly wings and my unicorn horn is exactly
right.
This is one hell of a strange place. I'm not a huge fan of horror as a
general rule. I'm only too aware about all the regular things that can
kill a man. Or a woman. Or a twelve-tongued Venusian sloth. I don't
need to thrill myself with the thought of supernatural creatures or
axe murderers, when I've already had my fair share of salt vampires
and Kevin Riley butchering music.
Except there's some crazy-ass sounds coming from up in those trees,
and I don't think it's just the wind. If I had my tricorder I could
figure it out, and yes, this is one of those times where the skills of
an old country doctor don't come into play, because I'm not going
anywhere near those trees to use my eyes and ears and brain. Unless
there's someone hurt or something, in which case, yeah, I'll do what I
have to do.
Speak of the devil. Hey, you doing all right? You don't look well. Sit
down here on this stump and let me help you out, son. No need to snarl
at me like that. You have blood all over yourself, and you're peaky.
Must be in shock. Let me check your temperature --
And there's blood in your teeth. It's not your blood, is it, son.
...
If you're gonna try to kill someone with your teeth, may I
suggest the femoral artery, or even the jugular. Attempting to gnaw
vaguely on my throat just shows you have a general lack of education
in the biology of the adult human, and I'm sure your parents would be
ashamed.
You're in need of brains? Say, you wouldn't happen to be a starship
captain, would you?
Poll Vote!
Character: Heiwajima Shizuo
Series: Durarara!!
Character Age: 23
Job: Weight Lifting Instructor
Canon: In the Tokyo district of Ikebukuro, strange things
have been happening. From rumors of headless riders becoming true, to
a mysterious slasher that kills in the name of 'love', it is nothing
short of exciting. The story begins with our everyman protagonist,
Ryuugamine Mikado, coming to Tokyo to experience the world! His best
friend warns him to stay away from a few dangerous men, and one of
those dangerous men is Heiwajima Shizuo.
Shizuo may seem a little nondescript at first glance, except for his
bartender outfit. In fact, if you met him on one of his good days,
he'd seem like a pretty calm and upstanding guy. However, if he even
gets a whiff of an insult, or if you do anything that even slightly
pisses him off, get ready! Shizuo is the strongest man in Ikebukuro.
Stop signs, car doors, anything that he can wrench out of the ground
is fair game. However, his strength isn't something that he controls,
or likes. In fact, he's pretty insecure, and he hates that people fear
him. More than that, he fears for the state of his own body, which
seems to break more and more every time he uses that
strength.
Sample Entry: Useless. Useless, useless, useless. Just
because I was hired to teach all of you good-for-nothing pieces of
crap how to lift weights properly doesn't mean that I ever
wanted to do it. So stop messing around and pay attention to
me! You'll just have to trust me when I say this, but if you don't do
this right, you might put your body in serious danger later.
Now the first thing you need to do is know your limits. Not everyone
can lift as much weight as I can--but I didn't start out
lifting this much either, you know. First I started with things I
could actually lift off the ground without tearing them out--what? I'm
not supposed to be teaching you to be lifting refrigerators? I guess
you want me to teach you guys how to lift these dinky little dumbbells
then. Well! You sit down, you breath in deeply, and you go! Up! Down!
Up! Down! You! Over there, try it!
Just remember to breathe with the weight; don't overexert yourself.
Don't--see what you did there! You snapped your arm in two because
you--because I forgot to move the weight down again. Now you know
exactly what it's like to be Heiwajima Shizuo! Just breathe,
and I'll let it down. Breathe, breathe, breathe, I'm not trying to
hurt you. I brought it down again.
Now look at that, all of you! If this little kid could
withstand the weight I can lift, then all of you need to come up and
give it a try as well. Just watch me with this machine. Up two three
four, down two three four, up two three four--Why are you giving me
that strange look? You can't lift the machine itself? Guess you'll
just have to work harder than anyone to get stronger, then.
Just remember that it'll come with a price.
Poll Vote!
Character: Greece (Heracles Karpusi)
Series: Axis Powers Hetalia
Character Age: appears 27, actually over 500
Job: Naptime Coordinator
Canon: Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a country could talk? Axis Powers Hetalia answers that question, by personifying the nations of the world, and showing history through their eyes. Each nation has their own personality based around the shifting culture, economy, and political climate of their country. The story follows their shenanigans through the ages, focusing mostly on wars and majors events, with the main storyline focusing particularly on World War II.
Greece is the crazy old cat lady person of the series. He almost always has at least one cat nearby, if not a whole herd, and he's just about as offbeat as they come. He enjoys philosophy, history, religion, and long naps on the beach... or just about anywhere else, whether it's in a hole he dug in his mother's ruins, in the middle of a meeting, or even a real bed from time to time. He's not even that picky about when and where he sleeps, and can conk out even in the midst of waxing poetic about any of his favorite topics. Despite being soft-spoken and a habitual abuser of ellipses, he can be rather direct. It's as if he lost his brain-to-mouth filter somewhere along the way, considering some of the bizarre and off-color things he comes out with. Violence doesn't disturb him much, nor does sexuality・in fact, he's quite comfortable with his. Despite his lackadaisical nature, off-color commentary, and propensity to seem like he's off in his own little world, what he does know, he knows well. He can be assertive and tenacious when he wants to, whether he's trying to keep France from unclothing Turkey, or just learning Japan's language.
Sample Post:
Is this really the right place? I got lost trying to find it, but the sign says "Camp Fuck U Die". I think it must be though... that is, while I was trying to find my way here, I met a man on the side of the road, looking for a ride. I would need one too, I think, if my legs fell off just like that. He kept mentioning something about "brains", but... it looked like he needed those legs and a few fingers more than he needed a brain, but it seemed like he was looking for this place too, so I thought it might be nice if we looked together. And even though it was Plutarch that said that fate leads him who follows it, and drags him who resist, this guy didn't really seem to resist being dragged. So maybe it's not his fate to be here? Ah... but it must be mine. No matter how far I walk, I keep ending up back here. Mm, I think that means something.
Since I was invited here anyway, I think I can stay a little while, even if I can't stay for very long... it has been a while since I visited America. Even if this is supposed to be summer camp, I guess this isn't really a vacation, though, since The Director was nice enough to give me a job while I'm here. But I'm not sure what it means. "Naptime Coordinator"... do the campers here really need help with something like naptime? I think something like that should be easy, but she wouldn't hire me for it if it wasn't necessary, right? I think it's important, then, since it is a good idea to make sure you're getting enough sleep. Sleeping through the night is best, but taking a rest during the day is nice too.
If you're really having trouble, you can try counting sheep, if you want. I hear that helps. Although, maybe in this case... cows would be better. There certainly are a lot of them. If you want to make it interesting, you could just count the black and white ones. Or the brown ones. Or the metal ones. Mm, but the metal ones... they don't seem friendly. They might not like it so much if you count them, and if they tried to impale you, it would be pretty painful, or at least a little bloody, I think, so I would just use the other ones.
You don't really need to wait until you get back to your cabin if you're tired, either. It looks like you have a kraken in your silo, so that might not be the best place to rest, although it seems friendly... and sleeping with a friend is always okay. Otherwise, you can find somewhere else. With all these fields, it shouldn't be hard. And it's nice and cool if you dig underground a little, especially since it's going to be summer soon. You should pick up your arms, first, and then you can pick up a shovel. I'll show you how, it's not that hard...
-oh, no, you can't sleep here, though. What I mean is, this hole was made for me. I dug it myself, after all... Would you like one too?
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. KER-CLOSED
Character: Phoenix Wright
Series: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (series)
Character Age: 26
Job: Official Voice of Reason
Canon: Ever wanted to cross-examine a parrot? Yell things at your DS (and actually get a response)? Then this is the game for you. Phoenix Wright (the games, not the person) is a not-at-all-realistic series involving lawyers, goofy lines of logic, and a whole lot of ambiguous gay. Playing as a defense attorney, you have to prove your clients are innocent by finding contradictions in your opponents' testimony. Despite the excessive amount of murder and mayhem involved, the series is inherently light-hearted, reveling in puntastic names and other flights of fancy. Where else can you interrogate a witness helpfully named Frank Sawhit?
In the middle of all this madness is the titular lawyer, Phoenix Wright. Single-minded and devoted, Nick is the kind of guy who believes firmly in the innocence of his clients, no matter how convoluted, crazy, or hilarious the evidence against them gets. Most of his victories spring from his ability to badger the hell out of people and snatch the triumphant truth from the jaws of defeat. This is not to say that Nick is all sunshine and lawyer rainbows; he's quite sarcastic and often nervous, especially when he ends up being the lone sane guy in a maddening world. Not to mention stubborn. Then again, when the entire world seems determined to screw you and your clients, stubbornness is practically a survival technique. The end of the third game sees him at the apex of his career, with several successful cases behind him ... and yet he still can't rub two pennies together for rent. Nor has he stopped flailing when things get a bit too crazy for his sanity thresholds.
Like all good Ace Attorney protagonists, Nick has an (inner monologue) and a tendency to emphasize important words.
Sample Post:
This can't possibly be the right place.
Er - I mean, this is almost definitely the wrong place, despite my name on the cabin door. (Is that ... blood? More importantly, d-do I really want to know the answer to that?) This was supposed to be an easy job offer. Ms. Sayre, your Camp -- uh -- You Die offered me enough to pay the bills for once, so I was almost hopeful this time. Even with the ... colorful entourage that showed up to give me the job in the first place. I'm pretty sure toucans aren't native to California, and I'm really sure that they don't go around delivering Camp Summons to eligible young attorneys. But it didn't seem unreasonable at the time. I might have been a little too desperate to think straight. I'm just not sure why you insists on calling a legal consultant a voice of reason. Being a lawyer doesn't have anything to do with being either sane or logical. The opposite sure seems to be a lot more accurate sometimes. Toucans or not, if I don't have to cross-examine a parrot, then this still isn't the most ridiculous case I've ever had.
But this ... this can't possibly be where I'm supposed to be working! The camp brochure was a little unusual, but it was very clear about certain details. Like the fact that I'm supposed to be working in a swamp. Normally I'd be willing to investigate before jumping to conclusions, but I ... er, stepped in a contradiction as soon as I got here. And now the evidence is all over my shoes. Muck and mud would be understandable, but manure? Where does something like that even come from? The brochure clearly states that this part of Louisiana is mostly populated by robot cows and zombies, both of which would find making manure to be impossible! (Though, if android cows had some kind of electric ... let's not get into that.) That's not even the only impossible thing about this place. If I'm really in a swamp, then why is corn growing here? The fact that a bunch of corn stalks have been following me around all day doesn't make them any more like stalker vines! Even the "tentacle monster" doesn't make sense any more. A radioactive lake is odd enough for Louisiana, but a silo? I don't care how happy she is up there. Octopodes and oatmeal aren't supposed to mix!
Do you understand where I'm going with this, Ms. Sayre? There's just too many contradictions in this situation for it to make any sense. If Camp is supposed to be in a swamp, and this place is clearly neither swamplike or campy, then there's only one conclusion to be drawn: this place can't possibly be Camp -- You Die! The zombie escort that brought me here was dead wrong! How am I supposed to be a voice of reason if the conditions of my employment are completely unreasonable to begin with? In fact, I'm beginning to wonder why you brought me here in the first place. There has to be a true motive behind all of this, and I'm going to find it!
... right after I find something to clean off my shoes. And some aspirin.
Poll Vote!
Name: Ladd Russo
Series: Baccano!
Age: 25
Job: Festivities Coordinator
Canon: Hey kids! You know about String Theory, don't you: A butterfly flaps its wings, and half way across the world the moon falls on Louisiana? So goes the plot of Baccano!, only instead of butterflies and less-than-natural disasters it's a boat of 18th-century demon-summoning alchemists and the resulting mafia war, a train heist and a daring cell-phone robbery; and let's not forget the terrorists disguised as an orchestra, the woman in work clothes, or the circus performer who might just be an urban legend. All those loose ends weave together for a fun, fast-paced story that barrels along out of control down the rails, one part comedy, one part shounen action and 16 parts senseless violence --ﾊ but when your main characters are a group of honest-to-god immortals, those too stupid to die and those with just a lot of dumb luck, it's no wonder that the storyline ends up more confused than this metaphor.
Ladd Russo may not be immortal, but he's got no intention of dying -- quite the opposite, as it's his dream to kill everyone in the world, then spend the rest of his life killing his fiancee to death. That may sound like bad romance, but Ladd's not very good at emotions. Whether he likes someone or hates them, chances are he wants to kill them, and the less they want to die the more he wants to do it. Being the best assassin the Russo mafia family's ever had, Ladd's pretty damn good at killing, but he's not exactly what you'd picture for an assassin: Big, loud, and in your face, Ladd Russo is crazier than snow in the summertime, and is more than willing to tell you all about it, at length and with a lot of repetition. Ladd's self-confidence is nigh-unshakable, and he is the king of non-sensical tl;dr -- run-on sentences that change subjects half way through, then back, or just stop abruptly in the middle of a thought are all par for the course.
Sample:
Yo, Stephan~!
Na, is it true you're not really dead? Ah, well, that's pretty ordinary: Lots of people aren't dead, not yet. There are lots and lots of people in the world who don't want to die just yet, and that why I'm going to kill them. Ah, but, that's beside the point. You're not dead and that's ordinary, but then, you're not dead and that's pretty interesting, because I heard you're supposed to be dead -- Somebody killed you, na? And yet you're alive, and still here. That's interesting. Interesting... interesting, but upsetting! And wrong! Something like that... If someone isn't going to die when they're supposed to be dead, then they have no reason to think "Ah, I don't want to die!" And then, if they're not thinking that, if they're thinking instead how it doesn't matter at all if they're going to die in the next second or not, ah, well, what am I supposed to do! Some smug bastard, smugly thinking smug thoughts like "I can't be killed!" Thinking, "I'm not going to die!" -- something like that, he'd probably wear it all over his smug bastard face, and that would really piss me off! It's frustrating! It really turns my murder gauge up to the max, you know!
--Ah, well, I guess that can wait a while. For now, I think it would be better if you weren't dead. For one, because if you aren't dead, then I can kill you, and that would make me feel good. Secondly, secondly -- it looks like I have an assignment. I don't like being bossed around, you know, but I can take orders, if they're fun for me. I've got something fun planned for everyone: a happy anniversary party, to celebrate everyone so kindly living here for so long. And everyone knows a party is fun, na? It's a little late, this party, but there was a lot of planning to think of. Heh, no, that's a lie -- I haven't done any planning yet. Now, listen: we can invite everyone to a single building, where the party is. That will be fun. And then -- then we'll set the roof is on fire. We wont need any water, heh, let it burn -- the entire building!ﾊ Ah, well, that's a bluff -- but if we threaten then it might get our point across. If that doesn't work, then I can turn it into a hostage situation. I'm thinking I can kill half the people in the building -- that's a good number. Then everyone is happy! I get to kill people, and you get to know I've done the job I was hired to do. It will be such a surprise for everyone: a surprise party!
Ah, but, speaking of surprises, there was one for me, too. Hey, hey, you're not the only person here who's supposed to be dead, right? At first, I thought it would be really frustrating, you know? But then, I had this idea: Even if they come back to life after I've killed them, ah, well, I can just kill them again. The look on their face, that will be the best part. I'll show them, really show them! I'll show all these I'll-come-right-back types the true harshness of life! Haha! And you set all this up for me! Bringing me all the way out here to a place where people who have died don't stay dead. Even though you're the one that I want to kill the most of all, you know? Ah, well, you probably knew that already, Stephan, Mr. Not-Dying -- you'd know. And yet, you still did this for me: It must be love! Ha, well, I have a fiancee, you have a fiancee, she'd probably be upset if I killed you, but that's alright. Something like that could still be a good time. I want your love, and your lover's revenge --ﾊ I accept it all, so just go ahead and die!
Your coming back will be a great gift, ah, but, one for me. I don't think it will be a gift for you, probably; but you'll come back to life, so we'll have a lot to celebrate: congratulations on dying, on coming back, on your birthday! Many happy returns.
Poll Vote!
Character: Lady Johanna Constantine
Series: Hellblazer Special: Lady Constantine
Age: 25-26
Job: Pest Control
Canon: What would you do if, after your parents were hung for treason and your nobility was stripped away, you were thrown out on the streets to fend for yourself? If you're Johanna Constantine, you would've gotten right back up, studied magic, and used the knowledge to do whatever it took to get your family's wealth back. It's 1785 England and his Majesty's government has enlisted Johanna's help to retrieve a ~*secret box*~ of ~*mystical power*~ from a sunken ship before it falls into the wrong hands, unleashing chaos and destruction in the world (as magic boxes are wont to do). With the promise of the return of her family's title and wealth in exchange for the success of her mission, Johanna sets out to find the box, all in the name of money. Oh, and saving the world too, of course.
Johanna is not your typical English woman of the 18th century. Hardened by life on the streets of London, she rarely lets her guard down and pays little respect to the authority. Cunning and powerful, Johanna's a smooth talker and is not above using the people around her to get what she wants. Unbeknown to most people, Johanna has a softer, motherly side that she only reveals to her sister, Mouse, and isn't actually as greedy as she appears to be. Her main reason for pursuing wealth and nobility is actually all for her aforementioned sister. Determined to give Mouse the luxurious life she believes they deserve, Johanna is audacious and will stop at nothing to turn this dream into a reality come Hell or high water-quite literally in the case of the former. She is constantly putting her life on the line by diving headfirst into danger, though never without a trick or two up her sleeve.
Sample Post:
Pest control, you say?
It's not that I'm not interested, Miss Sayre, but I'm finding it rather difficult to see how this could benefit me. You see, my services fetch a very high price in the market these days and your letter led me to believe that I was to receive substantial payment for my time here. Yet, upon arriving, I am now told that I never had a salary to begin with? That's hardly what I would call 'fair'. How would you like it if you were in a similar position? I suppose if I were you I'd do everything in my power to get revenge, but that's a different story for another day. Now, though, assuming I agree to this arrangement regardless of the price, we really must discuss the matter of running an establishment such as this in a swamp. That's what I'm here for, after all, to clean up your mess.
You say this is some sort training facility yet I hardly see anything that remotely resembles an appropriate one. Your cabins are in complete disarray, the lake looks as if it's been cursed, and that's to say nothing of your carelessness in looking after the children. From what I can see of your livestock, I imagine their safety is threatened on a daily basis. My point is, how can you expect the children to excel to their full potential when their morals are so low? I can see where you're coming from, though, if you thought this would serve as a suitable component of the training, but you're going about it all wrong. While I may not exactly be adverse to jumping in with both feet myself, I'm certainly not going to apply that philosophy to everyone else. You have to take it slow sometimes.
Would you mind terribly if I borrow one of your dead over there? This would make my demonstration so much easier to perform.
Gather around and watch closely, everyone. I know my little undead friend here looks alarming at first but if you pay attention, you'll see that he's really quite harmless. Don't worry, you'll grow accustomed to the rotting flesh and putrid odor soon, I promise. Now, where was I? Oh right, my demonstration. Now, as I said, this fellow here is quite slow, and not just in the physical sense. See how his legs are twisted in such a humanly impossible angle? You could hop away on one foot and be miles ahead of him in a matter of minutes. I can see that many of you already prefer running away rather than facing this creature head on. Well, let me assure you that by the time I'm done here, they'll be the ones fleeing in the opposite direction. You see, there's a simple trick when it comes to dealing with these things. Taking out a leg or arm is all fine and dandy, but it's essentially still alive ... in a sense. So how do you stop this creature from moving completely?
You cut off the source of the problem, the head. Alternatively, you could shoot it if that's what you prefer. I must admit that I'm quite fond of that method myself, as you can plainly see.
Well, Miss Sayre, I've proven my worth for the position you've asked me to fill. As such, I would like to return to the original matter at hand: my payment. I believe you'll find my terms of one hundred pounds per month a reasonable amount. You could even call it a steal if you like. If not, you might find yourself in a similar, tragic state as your undead vermin over there. Sooner or later, Miss Sayre, everyone's time will come, and you are no exception.
Poll Vote!
Character: Doctor Leonard H McCoy.
Series: Star Trek 2009 movie (Trek
Reboot).
Age: 36 (actor's age when movie was filming)
Job: Doctor, dammit, not a bricklayer.
Canon: Star Trek's set in the 23rd century, with lots of
spaceships, shooting, time travel, good aliens, bad aliens, and kinky
humans. Lots of boldly going where no man one has gone before.
The 2009 movie reboots the original series canon. Planet Vulcan is
under attack. The Enterprise responds to the distress signal.
McCoy's assigned to the Enterprise, and he hauls his best friend
along, cadet and convicted simulation-tinkerer James T Kirk.
McCoy's technophobic, fiercely protective, and smart. He's bitter as
an angry lemon thanks to his divorce, where his ex-wife Jocelyn took
everything from him except for his bones (and his sense of hyperbole).
He's an innately good person, a brilliant doctor, and a
pacifist, but he's not always gentle. He has a core of solid
stubbornness, and gives people what they need. If that's a kick
in the pants, he has no trouble administering it no matter whose
posterior is on the receiving end.
He may not be a fighter, but he could snark you to death with both
hands tied behind his back.
Sample post:
Now, where the hell am I?
I always knew this'd happen. Goddamn transporters. Take you apart, put
you back together again, but you never quite know if you're still you,
right? They reduce you down to the molecular level, and even
further than that, till you're nothing but electrons, protons, quarks,
and a vague sense of ennui, then they build you back up again in the
twinkling of an eye.
How would you know if the you that's checking you over
anxiously to check that all your parts in the right place is still
you? Maybe you're looking at yourself going yes, yes, what a relief, I
still have my sparkly butterfly wings and my unicorn horn is exactly
right.
This is one hell of a strange place. I'm not a huge fan of horror as a
general rule. I'm only too aware about all the regular things that can
kill a man. Or a woman. Or a twelve-tongued Venusian sloth. I don't
need to thrill myself with the thought of supernatural creatures or
axe murderers, when I've already had my fair share of salt vampires
and Kevin Riley butchering music.
Except there's some crazy-ass sounds coming from up in those trees,
and I don't think it's just the wind. If I had my tricorder I could
figure it out, and yes, this is one of those times where the skills of
an old country doctor don't come into play, because I'm not going
anywhere near those trees to use my eyes and ears and brain. Unless
there's someone hurt or something, in which case, yeah, I'll do what I
have to do.
Speak of the devil. Hey, you doing all right? You don't look well. Sit
down here on this stump and let me help you out, son. No need to snarl
at me like that. You have blood all over yourself, and you're peaky.
Must be in shock. Let me check your temperature --
And there's blood in your teeth. It's not your blood, is it, son.
...
If you're gonna try to kill someone with your teeth, may I
suggest the femoral artery, or even the jugular. Attempting to gnaw
vaguely on my throat just shows you have a general lack of education
in the biology of the adult human, and I'm sure your parents would be
ashamed.
You're in need of brains? Say, you wouldn't happen to be a starship
captain, would you?
Poll Vote!
Character: Heiwajima Shizuo
Series: Durarara!!
Character Age: 23
Job: Weight Lifting Instructor
Canon: In the Tokyo district of Ikebukuro, strange things
have been happening. From rumors of headless riders becoming true, to
a mysterious slasher that kills in the name of 'love', it is nothing
short of exciting. The story begins with our everyman protagonist,
Ryuugamine Mikado, coming to Tokyo to experience the world! His best
friend warns him to stay away from a few dangerous men, and one of
those dangerous men is Heiwajima Shizuo.
Shizuo may seem a little nondescript at first glance, except for his
bartender outfit. In fact, if you met him on one of his good days,
he'd seem like a pretty calm and upstanding guy. However, if he even
gets a whiff of an insult, or if you do anything that even slightly
pisses him off, get ready! Shizuo is the strongest man in Ikebukuro.
Stop signs, car doors, anything that he can wrench out of the ground
is fair game. However, his strength isn't something that he controls,
or likes. In fact, he's pretty insecure, and he hates that people fear
him. More than that, he fears for the state of his own body, which
seems to break more and more every time he uses that
strength.
Sample Entry: Useless. Useless, useless, useless. Just
because I was hired to teach all of you good-for-nothing pieces of
crap how to lift weights properly doesn't mean that I ever
wanted to do it. So stop messing around and pay attention to
me! You'll just have to trust me when I say this, but if you don't do
this right, you might put your body in serious danger later.
Now the first thing you need to do is know your limits. Not everyone
can lift as much weight as I can--but I didn't start out
lifting this much either, you know. First I started with things I
could actually lift off the ground without tearing them out--what? I'm
not supposed to be teaching you to be lifting refrigerators? I guess
you want me to teach you guys how to lift these dinky little dumbbells
then. Well! You sit down, you breath in deeply, and you go! Up! Down!
Up! Down! You! Over there, try it!
Just remember to breathe with the weight; don't overexert yourself.
Don't--see what you did there! You snapped your arm in two because
you--because I forgot to move the weight down again. Now you know
exactly what it's like to be Heiwajima Shizuo! Just breathe,
and I'll let it down. Breathe, breathe, breathe, I'm not trying to
hurt you. I brought it down again.
Now look at that, all of you! If this little kid could
withstand the weight I can lift, then all of you need to come up and
give it a try as well. Just watch me with this machine. Up two three
four, down two three four, up two three four--Why are you giving me
that strange look? You can't lift the machine itself? Guess you'll
just have to work harder than anyone to get stronger, then.
Just remember that it'll come with a price.
Poll Vote!
Character: Greece (Heracles Karpusi)
Series: Axis Powers Hetalia
Character Age: appears 27, actually over 500
Job: Naptime Coordinator
Canon: Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a country could talk? Axis Powers Hetalia answers that question, by personifying the nations of the world, and showing history through their eyes. Each nation has their own personality based around the shifting culture, economy, and political climate of their country. The story follows their shenanigans through the ages, focusing mostly on wars and majors events, with the main storyline focusing particularly on World War II.
Greece is the crazy old cat lady person of the series. He almost always has at least one cat nearby, if not a whole herd, and he's just about as offbeat as they come. He enjoys philosophy, history, religion, and long naps on the beach... or just about anywhere else, whether it's in a hole he dug in his mother's ruins, in the middle of a meeting, or even a real bed from time to time. He's not even that picky about when and where he sleeps, and can conk out even in the midst of waxing poetic about any of his favorite topics. Despite being soft-spoken and a habitual abuser of ellipses, he can be rather direct. It's as if he lost his brain-to-mouth filter somewhere along the way, considering some of the bizarre and off-color things he comes out with. Violence doesn't disturb him much, nor does sexuality・in fact, he's quite comfortable with his. Despite his lackadaisical nature, off-color commentary, and propensity to seem like he's off in his own little world, what he does know, he knows well. He can be assertive and tenacious when he wants to, whether he's trying to keep France from unclothing Turkey, or just learning Japan's language.
Sample Post:
Is this really the right place? I got lost trying to find it, but the sign says "Camp Fuck U Die". I think it must be though... that is, while I was trying to find my way here, I met a man on the side of the road, looking for a ride. I would need one too, I think, if my legs fell off just like that. He kept mentioning something about "brains", but... it looked like he needed those legs and a few fingers more than he needed a brain, but it seemed like he was looking for this place too, so I thought it might be nice if we looked together. And even though it was Plutarch that said that fate leads him who follows it, and drags him who resist, this guy didn't really seem to resist being dragged. So maybe it's not his fate to be here? Ah... but it must be mine. No matter how far I walk, I keep ending up back here. Mm, I think that means something.
Since I was invited here anyway, I think I can stay a little while, even if I can't stay for very long... it has been a while since I visited America. Even if this is supposed to be summer camp, I guess this isn't really a vacation, though, since The Director was nice enough to give me a job while I'm here. But I'm not sure what it means. "Naptime Coordinator"... do the campers here really need help with something like naptime? I think something like that should be easy, but she wouldn't hire me for it if it wasn't necessary, right? I think it's important, then, since it is a good idea to make sure you're getting enough sleep. Sleeping through the night is best, but taking a rest during the day is nice too.
If you're really having trouble, you can try counting sheep, if you want. I hear that helps. Although, maybe in this case... cows would be better. There certainly are a lot of them. If you want to make it interesting, you could just count the black and white ones. Or the brown ones. Or the metal ones. Mm, but the metal ones... they don't seem friendly. They might not like it so much if you count them, and if they tried to impale you, it would be pretty painful, or at least a little bloody, I think, so I would just use the other ones.
You don't really need to wait until you get back to your cabin if you're tired, either. It looks like you have a kraken in your silo, so that might not be the best place to rest, although it seems friendly... and sleeping with a friend is always okay. Otherwise, you can find somewhere else. With all these fields, it shouldn't be hard. And it's nice and cool if you dig underground a little, especially since it's going to be summer soon. You should pick up your arms, first, and then you can pick up a shovel. I'll show you how, it's not that hard...
-oh, no, you can't sleep here, though. What I mean is, this hole was made for me. I dug it myself, after all... Would you like one too?
Poll Vote!