(no subject)
HELLO, HELLO. First round! You guys know the drill by now - you vote, we post more, etc. We will be taking these at a leisurely pace (i.e. you will not have 50 apps to vote on this evening), so don't feel like you have to barrel through apps. And whatnot. Enjoy!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Ramona V. Flowers
Series: Scott Pilgrim
Age: Classified...okay, 24
Job Title: Ninja Delivery Girl
Canon: Everybody makes bad decisions sometimes. Wearing white after Labor Day, drinking from an expired milk carton, dating someone who ends up being a jerk. Except Ramona Flowers's bad decisions have joined together to form a League of Evil Exes, dedicated to ruining her future love prospects. Enter our 1P protagonist, Scott Pilgrim, who agrees to take on all comers for the chance to hold hands with her and possibly get past second base. But in a manga and video game inspired world, where the fourth wall is casually ripped asunder, defeating someone turns them into coins, being vegan gives you psychic powers, and "love is a battlefield" can be more than a Pat Benatar song, regular courtship rules (or laws of physics) don't always apply.
Aloof and sometimes inscrutable, Ramona is trying to escape from her past. Taking a job as a courier for amazon.ca was the best way to employ her skills at running away from everything. It also allowed her to utilize the special ability of skating through a subspace found in other people's subconscious, thus enabling her to become the woman of Scott's dreams since she uses his brain space to make deliveries (it's not like he was using it). At first glance, she seems like the typical mystery woman. She dyes her hair a different color each month and has mastered the art of droll witticisms without giving too much of herself away. The fast way to a friendship with her is often based on mutual hate for something, and she can be horribly blunt in telling you how things suck. However, despite all of Ramona's defenses there is someone who is trying to grow into a better person and manages to care about the people she lets in. You just have to put up with a lot of shit to get there first.
Sample Post:
I've gotten a lot of prank deliveries before, and, hey, it doesn't really matter to me as long as I get a signature. But when I read "T. P. Cornholio, Bunghole CFUD" I expected MTV potheads, not actual corn. Or...actual holes either. I know this is in armpit of wherever, but I thought America kept their subspace roads free of potholes. Oh, wait, I misread. The hazard signs say "caution: plotholes." Ugh, either way these things are hell on my rollerblades. If I wanted to wander around aimlessly and ask questions about why I'm here I'd go back to my graphic novel about twenty-something slackers.
Look, can someone just sign for this? Anyone with opposable thumbs and attached limbs will do. I'd love to stay and, uh, examine your many haystacks or hear the story about why there's a squid on your silo, but I'm on the clock. Don't worry about me being an inconvenience. You just point me to the exit and I'll find my way out. I have a lot of experience with leaving the scene...
Really guys. I know a stranger passing through might be a big deal here, but I'm not up for explaining to my bosses that I was late because I had to finish a bonus stage full of robot cows and zombies. Especially when zombies don't even give you bus fare for defeating them. Not that I need to use the bus. Here, the first one to tell me how to get out and I'll give you the package. No charge, my treat. I can already tell you it's CDs, perfect for drowning out the chirping of crickets and having those wild square dancing parties. Need more convincing? How about I'll show you mine if you show me yours. And as you can see they're in pristine condition.
...okay, someone has a sick sense of humor when they decided to trap me in a farm with Toto's "Turn Back" and Kansas's "Point of Know Return." American ballad rock, great. That's not an attempt to break my spirit at all. Well, I guess if I'm going to level grind out of this place I should go with the title that doesn't suck at homonyms.
I have a feeling we're not listening to Kansas anymore, Toto.
Poll Vote!
Character: April Rhodes
Series: Glee
Character Age: Mid to late 30s
Job: Morale Officer
Canon: Glee is basically a big fat soap opera trussed up as a musical comedy, telling the tale of determined William McKinley High teacher Will Schuester, his ragtag group of misfit teens, and their struggle to sing, dance, express themselves and prevent their school's glee club from being sabotaged weekly by the tyrannical cheerleading coach. In addition, the glee kids face challenges like teen pregnancy, coming to terms with sexuality, being part of a minority group, and all the other hazards of high school, and they face them with a song in their heart. Often a showtune.
April Rhodes is a cheerful, mostly well-meaning and sexually ... open people person who has the best intentions at heart, but tends to get lost somewhere in the execution. An alumna of William McKinley herself, and the star of its glee club back in her glory days (ie. when glee didn't carry the stigma of being for backne-covered losers), she always had the voice of an angel and everyone expected her to be a star. But after some business involving running away with her high school sweetheart, a gay affair and mixed-race twins, April ended up washed up and strung out, squatting in luxury homes and dabbling in just about every dabbleable she could get her hands on -- booze, pills, upholstery cleaner. You name it, April Rhodes has put it either down her gullet or up her nose. That was until she met Will Schuester, who gave her hope that she might not be a has-been after all; maybe she's a gonna-be. From now on, April's strictly on the wagon. Except for liquor. And occasionally cough syrup.
Sample Post:
Well hey there, campers! Hands up if you love having fun! Really? No kidding, me too! I -- oh, sweetie, I was looking for enthusiasm, but that was maybe taking it a little too far. A gentle hands-up would've done it. All right, you're excused from the exercise 'til we can get somebody to come fish your arms outta that tree. And swing by my office this afternoon too, huh, what d'you say? I've got a little somethin'-somethin' that ought to take the edge right off those gaping mortal arm-wounds for you. Trust me, kiddo, I'm a counselor.
Everybody else? Say a great big howdy-do to your new morale officer! April with a capital A, that rhymes with hey, that's what you'll be saying to me because ... well, you get the idea. I've been hearing some things on the grapevine around here about morale being at an all-time low! Kids groaning and shuffling around all the live-long day, dragging their feet all over the place! And sometimes other people's feet, too! And I said to myself, I said, "This bunch of tragically gangrenous yet upstanding kids? Say it ain't so! April Rhodes, you put that hearty can of paint thinner and your foot down about this!" So I'm here to organize a few activities that ought to help y'all recapture that cheery summer camp spirit I ... sorta remember a little from my heyday. Details are kinda sketchy, but that's okay.
Now, since my fellow members of the counseling staff put a big old nix on my idea for a round of sake-bombing, something about it being "inappropriate for minors" and "needlessly messy" 'cause you kids have no "stomach lining" to speak of, I thought we'd try something else that's every bit as fun. Archery! Doesn't that sound nice? So if my homely assistant Mraaaaaugh here will hand me my bow ... thanks, button ... and then here, you take this apple and go stand down there by that tree. Yup, right there. All right now, it's real simple. All you have to do is just--
What do you mean? Sure it's safe! Safe as a house in Hollywood Hills! Trust me on that, those places are balls to try and get into. 'Sides, a session with my good buddy Jack always clears my aim right up; she'll fly straight and true, just you watch. ...See! What'd I -- oh. Oh, honey. Oh, I am so sorry. But it's not that bad! Honestly, they can do wonders with rhinoplasty these days. Here's my surgeon's card, you call him up and ask him for the MJ Special, okay? Tell him Peaches sent ya. There you go.
So! Who wants to be my next volunteer?
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Apollo Justice
Series: Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney
Character Age: 22
Job: Camp Errand Boy and Part-time Attorney
Canon: Aaah, the Ace Attorney series, where lawyer is both a noun and a verb! Apollo Justice is the titular character of this game--a new attorney picking up where Phoenix Wright left off. In the games, it's his job to prove his clients innocent, despite all the convoluted testimonies and enough incriminating evidence to screw over an elephant. Helping him along the way is the famous Phoenix Wright (now a grape-juice loving poker player), his magician assistant/sidekick, a Rock and Roll loving prosecutor, and a grumpy snack throwing detective. Oh, did I say helping? It's more like they give him vague unhelpful advice and counter every argument he has. Just another day in the life for this lawyer!
Apollo is a young rookie attorney, and boy does he love to LAWYER. Loud, enthusiastic, and ready to defend, Apollo takes his job as a defense attorney very seriously--sometimes to the point where others mock him for it. To Apollo, every aspect of his job is important, even if that includes digging through trash or presenting his sidekick's panties in court. Apollo puts on a very serious and professional face, but is actually easy to fluster, and has quite the sarcastic side. He's constantly judging the ridiculous antics of his friends and the surrounding environment. But while Apollo usually tries to be the voice of reason, he's rarely listened to or taken seriously, and can be as pun-tastic as the rest of the crew. But hey, with a name like Justice, what do you expect?
As a note, lawyers tend to emphasize certain words using orange font. Maybe it's a genetic thing.
Sample Post
Sorry, Miss. . .whoever you are. I assure you I don't need an escort. I'm not lost, really! If anything I'd say you were the one who needed help. Your elbow is dangling down by your knees, and the overalls aren't all that flattering, nor do they hide the missing organs on the side there. . .You say you're my Generic Genki Sidekick? Why on earth would I need one of those? Look, I'd like to stay and chat, but I really need to deliver this parcel to a Miss "Marcy". Admittedly, the directions are a bit fuzzy. It's just some sort of odd shaped blotched on top of a silo.
. . .Okay, fine. Fine! If you really know the way, then you can accompany me. Just please stop breathing so heavily on my back. It would be a little comforting not walking through the area alone. Ugh, honestly, can you believe I got roped into this so called internship? The Director said I'd earn more experience in my field of work, but I never imagined it would involve cornfields. I could have sworn the pamphlet said CFUD Law Firm not Law Farm! Jeeze, I get my fill of corn by listening to prosecutors spout lame puns all day, I don't need the real thing!
Hey, are you even listening to me? What are you examining over there anyway.......A-a dead body?! We have to call the police!! Huh?! This isn't a laughing matter. Someone in this hick town of a camp is a murderer!
--No, I don't think the scarecrow did it! It looks like the victim was trampled a bit, then had his head chewed on thoroughly, and his. . .brains removed. D-don't look at me that way, I don't think you're the culprit! Seriously, your eyeball sort of dangles out when you start crying. You were with me the entire time anyway, right? Of course, there's no alibi for your actions before we met up, but if you truly are innocent I'll defend you to death! Er, no pun intended.
. . .You say you saw a brief flash of black and white before finding me? And what looked like a pair of er, evil horns? Hmm. Looks like Miss Marcy will have to wait for her parcel. Right now we need to deliver something more important--the truth! I'm no detective, but there have to be clues pointing to the real criminal. The murderer may have escaped that scarecrow's ever watchful gaze, but they can't escape the eyes of the law forever! If we gather the right evidence we can bring this vile criminal to JUSTICE! All you have to do is testify!
. . .
No, "Praise Zombie Jesus" does not count as testimony.
This is going to be one long internship.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Geoffrey Tennant
Series: Slings & Arrows
Age: Not specified, probably in his forties.
Job: Drama Teacher
Canon: Slings & Arrows is a story about a dying theatre festival, the meaning of art, the overpowering awesomeness of Shakespeare. At the forefront of the festival and the minimalist art movement is Geoffrey Tennant, the visionary who revitalizes the festival with the help of a semi-friendly ghost. Also, he might be insane. He definitely used to be insane. After a traumatic performance of Hamlet seven years ago, he was declared by everyone, himself included, to be mad. But he might be better now. Of course, he also sees visions of the now-dead director who drove him crazy in the first place, chews on razor blades, and challenges his enemies to duels over their excessive use of horses or swastikas in performances, so it's kind of up in the air.
Geoffrey is a thespian, and as such, he is dramatic, long-winded, prone to quoting the bard, and has impeccable comic timing. While he tries his best to act uninterested, mentally unequipped, and generally drunk and disorderly, Geoffrey has a deep and undying love of the theatre which doesn't allow him to ever completely give up on life. But it does allow him to try to bring everyone else down with him.
Sample Entry:
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your--on second thought, not the best opening. Not only is it completely overused, but with this audience, I have to worry you'd take it seriously.
Now, either the New Burbage Shakespeare Festival has lovingly embraced a bold and daring new diversity initiative in its casting or--far more likely--I am drunk. Or perhaps seeing visions. Again. I suppose it isn't that big a step from seeing ghosts to seeing--well, rotting corpses. And a variety of woodland creatures, some in very unusual colors! Fantastic. I've always felt that limiting the speaking roles to humans is very short-sighted. Animals are people too, after all. Or, well, you know.
In any case, let's get started. You, Rotting Corpse #1, in the hat with the rapier. Step forward. With your whole body, please. I'm not picking that up later, and the tech staff won't want to either. Now. What is your name, and what is your acting experience?
"Brains." Well, I've heard worse nicknames. If you're the smartest of the bunch, we may have a problem. And your previous experience? Also Brains. I see. Age? Favorite food? Still Brains. I'm starting to think you're mocking me. It isn't good for the actors to mock the director, it creates a power imbalance. If you must do it, I'd prefer you stuck to topics about which I deserve to be mocked. Bringing up my insanity, for example! I encourage that. Yes, I am Geoffrey Tennant. Yes, I did have an episode several years ago. They assure me I'm "better now." You are free to disagree. You certainly wouldn't be the first, and I may very well back you up on it.
But that is neither here nor there, and certainly is not what we're here for. We are here for theatre. More specifically we are here for Pericles. Good play, Pericles. Very under-appreciated. Many people find it dull. Let me see your copy, Brains. Ah, well. I can see how this version would be more engrossing. I had to write my own sex scenes in, and my illustrations were not nearly as graphic. I'm sure Shakespeare is rolling in his grave. Not that that's news. And who will be playing our leading man? Ah, you, the...gorilla man. Excellent. And Thaisa, his wife?
A horse. Jesus Christ, why is it always horses?
All right! Well, I think it is high time to establish if I am being or not being, sleeping, perchance dreaming, or just insane. Everyone, take fifteen. I'm going to see if my subconscious has a bar. If it really is my subconscious, I assume it has several.
Poll Vote!
Name: Revy
Series: Black Lagoon
Age: Mid-Twenties
Job: Advisor in Good Life Choices
Canon: Rokuro Okajima was just a mild-mannered Japanese salary man until he was kidnapped mid business-trip by the Lagoon Company -- ostensibly just a delivery service, but really more like modern-day pirates -- and taken for ransom. It turned out however that he was good in a crisis, and Rokuro -- newly christened "Rock" -- finds himself the newest member of the Lagoon Company. It's difficult, trying to navigate this new life style from the twilight of Ronapur -- a mostly lawless port-island off the coast of Thailand, where life is dangerous, unpredictable, and loyalty can be negotiated in dollars -- but Rock adapts as best he can, trying to bring a little Japanese businessman flavor to this life of crime.
Revy is the Lagoon Company's hired gun, and her skill, exuberance for killing and ability to aim just as well with either hand have earned her some notoriety and the nickname "two-hands" among the other outlaws of Roanapur. She is short-tempered, foul-mouthed, and has a soft spot for death metal and old-fashioned western gunman movies -- which colors her speech with slang, unflattering nicknames and slightly out-of-date pop-culture references. As a Chinese-American girl growing up on the streets of New York, she's had a pretty shitty life -- though she's not really that hung up on it, preferring to approach life, the universe, and everything with a practical if not somewhat nihilistic view. The Almighty Dollar is Revy's god, and her faith in that -- and her pair of modified Beretta M92 Sword Cutlasses -- carries her through most things.
Sample:
Aw, no, what the hell-- what the actual hell is this? I ain’t no baby sitter and I sure as shit ain’t no counselor! I’m not even qualified, you know? I’m like some sort of poster child for bad life choices and you want me up here tellin’ kids ‘do your best, life is what you make it, go for the dream’? Fuckin’ laugh riot she is, this Director Bitch of yours! Damn but I’m impressed with her balls, though, really bringing me out here to her not-o.k. corral for this lame-ass joke of a job! Fuck, she ain't exactly the able-minded lady, is she? Yeah, I guess that makes sense! Only somebody in bad need of some counselling herself would try and put some chink American gutter-trash bitch in charge of their pity party! That right there was a bad life choice! Ha! I'm a natural! But I got bad news for you -- I ain’t interested, so you all can save your sob stories. I’ve been hired for some shitty jobs before, but this is out of this world ridiculous!
I mean, what the hell do I look like, some sort of vending machine? Pop in a few quarters, turn the handle and out comes some shiny bubblegum advice! Heh, maybe more like playing the slots -- your odds are a whole helluva lot worse, but then, you must like a good gamble, bettin’ on me for this job of yours. Che, fine, fine, since I’m already here and everything, I guess I’ll do the damn job -- then I’m taking your money and blowing this joint.
So then, you brats better listen up -- hell, you geezers might as well tune in too -- ‘cause I ain’t gonna say any a’this more than once. Rule number one for gettin' on in life is, always look out for number one. Sure, your crew is like family and they'll watch your ass, but anybody else is gonna sell you up the Sante Fe Trail for a fist full of dollars -- nothing personal, just business, but it means you gotta stay sharp. You get relaxed and you'll go soft -- like Groany over here. Hell, he's so soft he's practically melting. Rule number two is no sentimental crap. In the end, there's only two things you can count on: money and a gun -- nothing but trouble ever came from being a bleedin' heart, so put it away, Brainy. Rule number three is always decide your terms of payment in advance, cause I sure as shit ain't getting paid by the hour, so you mumbling jackasses can just make do with two rules, and if you don’t like it, heh, well, you can fuckin’ bite me!
--Ow! What the f--did you actually just fuckin’ bite me you shitty son of a bitch? Haaa... LISTEN UP BOYS AND GIRLS ‘CAUSE WE GOT OURSELVES AN EDUCATIONAL VOLUNTEER! This son of bitch just made himself one hell of a bad life choice, and you all get to fuckin’ learn from it! Brand new rule number one from now on is gonna be don’t bite the goddamn teacher, or else she’s gonna shove her Sword Cutlass so far up your ass she sees daylight -- bam bam and straight on ‘til morning!
Poll Vote!
Character: Balalaika
Series: Black Lagoon
Character Age: early 30s
Job: Adult Content Monitor
Canon: Roanapur, a fictional port city in Thailand, is a crossroads pulling in people from all over the world. The one thing they have in common is that they're all irredeemable criminals. Here, you look out for your own, don't trust anyone you don't have to, and make your fortunes running against the law. And if the law-or anyone else-fights back... well, that's what guns are for, right? There's no room for pity or charity when you're fighting for every minute of your life. At least, that's what Japanese salaryman Okajima Rokurou (now known as "Rock") is learning as the newest member of the Lagoon Company-four people with an old torpedo boat who take what jobs they get to stay afloat.
A frequent client of the Lagoon Company, Balalaika is the head of Hotel Moscow, the Russian mafia in Thailand. Previously a captain during the Soviet war in Afghanistan, she is more than capable in combat and well-known for her marksmanship, but she rarely needs to enter a fight herself. Instead, she employs negotiations and strategy, and, if necessary, her personal corps of special forces troops who continued following her leadership even after the war was over. Of course, Balalaika enjoys war far too much to give it up entirely. While she is usually friendly and honorable in her dealings with the Lagoon company-at least by Roanapur standards-she gleefully seeks out conflict and will eliminate any challenges to her authority or threats to her men with ruthless severity and military precision.
Sample Entry:
Well well, this is quite the impressive place you have here, Madam Direktor. Or should I say, it's certainly impressive that I'm here to see it. It takes quite the influence to bring me across the world, and the fact that you've managed to pull me away from my men is an amazing feat. I only wish you'd seen fit to meet me in person. Don't you think it's a bit rude to leave a guest stranded alone in a new place?
And this place itself, now... well, I suppose it does represent the true heart of America, if by that you mean corn and cow shit. I'll admit the B-movie monsters are a bit more interesting, but they utterly lack organization or discipline. An army of zombies could very well be intimidating, but these stagger aimlessly, incompetent and harmless... And what are they wearing? Are you trying for zombie cowboys? At least if that were actually the case they could round the cows up, and I suppose a stampede could be dangerous to the unprepared. An inelegant threat, certainly, but that suits quite well; I'm not sure anyone here is truly prepared for a more organized threat.
Speaking of which, I understand you want me to monitor the children here and make sure nothing gets out of hand. What is it that you're afraid they might do? Something illegal? Depraved? Ahaha, that's hilarious. Oh, no, I understand. You wouldn't want your precious abductees to be exposed to any adult concepts. Although I hardly see what the issue is; I'd say everything that happens here is quite tame, really. If you brought me here for just that, I have to say that it would be much more worthwhile to focus your energy elsewhere. However, if you insist, I will certainly watch the brats. Of course, what I do with them is my own business.
If that's clear, then I only have one more thing to address. You may have separated me from my men, but I still have my Stechkin, and I will find you. And when I do, I'll shove it so far down your throat that your eyeballs will bug out like a fish and you won't even taste the bullets when they tear your guts apart. You'll see what real depravity is when we dance together in hell.
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Character name: Damon Salvatore
Series: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Age: appears to be 25
Job: Romance Advisor
Canon: After losing her parents in a car accident, Elena Gilbert was doing her best to pull herself back together. However, she never thought she'd get involved in the middle of the never-ending conflict between two vampire brothers -the Salvatores- who hated each other instead. That's how she ends up dealing with vampires, witches, family drama, death and the truth that had been hidden from her town's history.
The elder Salvatore brother is Damon, who has sworn to make his younger brother Stefan's life miserable. He, unlike Stefan, feeds on human blood and he has little respect for human life. Sarcastic, cocky, arrogant, manipulative and glib, Damon is a bastard who always gets what he wants. Not only that, but he always appears to be up to something, scheming for his own selfish desires and pulling the strings to play in his favor. Through the course of the show, he claims not to care about anything or about anyone outside hating his brother, but Elena proves him wrong when she manages to bring out what's left of Damon's humanity. Don't be mistaken, though, because despite his "I'm just misunderstood" exterior, he's still capable of forcing himself on girls against their will without showing any kind of remorse. After all, humans are just toys to play with.
Sample Post:
Listen up, sweetheart, because today is your lucky day.
Why, you might ask? I'm feeling like a giving guy right now. And let's just say our charming Miss Sayre was very enthusiastic upon my arrival, and she even entrusted me with such a thrilling task that I couldn't refuse. Who I was to say no? I've always been all about helping the young and inexperienced. Oh, teens today need all the help they can get to make it through their incredibly difficult lives. They're craving approval and attention, and sometimes they just need a small push in the right direction. No one wants these poor little campers to drift away towards the dark; they need a do-gooder hero to guide them. You must know what I'm going on about; you're always watching them from up there like a diligent, touchy-feely fairy godmother and from what I've heard, you go as far as giving them practical lessons. However, our lovely Director mentioned to me that you've lost your touch lately.
As camp's new Romance Advisor, it's merely my duty to be open and offer my keen input to whoever needs it. That's where you come in, because I've been doing some research and it looks to me like you need my help the most. Now, I can imagine how hard it must be to maintain a relationship in this day and age. Trust me, it was a lot easier back in the day. I'm not saying I'm old -on the contrary!- but history never lies. Except for when it does, but moving on. These days it's all about keeping it fresh and coming up with imaginative ways to try new things, to make it exciting! The feeling of the chase is still here, but they've forgotten all about security and true romance. They've barely had a taste of the forbidden fruit before they throw it away, picking up another as if it was nothing. See, that? That's what romance is all about today and it's such a tragic revelation. Heart-breaking, in fact. No wonder you've lost the ability to share your slimey eight-in-one love, with your illusions shattered like that.
It's time to get that Miss "I'm miserable" look off your face. Look, it's quite simple, actually. You want that loud-mouthed stud back? All you've gotta do is show him who's in charge, dominate him inside and out until there's nothing else he can say. You've got enough . . . tentacles to keep him entertained, so I'm sure you can make that loudspeaker forget all about the sparkles and cheap seduction of the noobspeaker. Besides, two large -and quite handsome, yes, how could I ever forget that- poles can only do so much together. Show him what you've learned after years of touching the youth, and make him beg for more.
You gotta have more than a few tricks up your sleeve, figuratively speaking. Or better yet, we could get literal. Remember that ink incident? Come on now, you know what I mean.
Applicant #2
Character: Self-Serving Psychopath Damon Salvatore
Series: The Vampire Diaries (TV Series)
Character age: Somewhere around 170, physically in his mid-twenties
Job: Family Relationships Counselor
Canon: The Vampire Diaries is the story of a kind and beautiful seventeen year old girl named Elena Gilbert, who, after spending several months consumed by pain and survivor's guilt from losing both of her parents in a tragic car accident, meets a handsome young man on the first day of the new school year who sparks her interest, named Stefan Salvatore. Miss Elena just happens to be physically identical to the woman who turned Stefan and his brother, Damon, into vampires in the first place. Both men fell in love with that girl, whose name was Katherine, and the events that led to their separation from her created a painful rift between the brothers that simply couldn't be healed by time alone, starting with Damon promising his brother "an eternity of misery."
Damon is the opposite of his younger brother, Stefan-- the "good" brother. He's virtually amoral and thoroughly enjoys being a vampire. Most of the time, Damon sees absolutely nothing wrong with killing or manipulating people; it's in his nature, after all. He enjoys his predatory urges, and because of this, he has stronger abilities and more control over his blood lust than his brother, and Damon does almost anything he can to make his brother miserable, as he promised he would. He often makes it a point to mock and belittle Stefan, threaten his new human girlfriend, or kill people in front of him in mad displays of power. Although Damon claims to hate his little brother, he also insists that he wants Stefan to come to terms with his vampiric nature, usually by tempting him with human blood. Personality-wise, Damon is antagonistic, exceptionally clever and witty, sarcastic, and hedonistic. He's also a lonely, bored, impatient and impulsive alcoholic, and he has a very strong seductive pull-- he's practically allergic to shirts, and sometimes dances like he's on the clock at Chippendale's. Even though he's done ghastly things, Damon isn't entirely evil, nor is he really an unsung hero. He's a wild card, and that just makes him all the more unpredictable... not to mention, fucking awesome.
Sample post:
Hi, kids. My name's Damon Salvatore, the newest counselor in the... field. I'm the Family Relationships Counselor, actually. In case those context clues weren't obvious enough for some of you, I'm here to help those who have issues with one or more relatives. Supposedly, I also get paid for this. Some of you may know my brother, actually... Stefan? He's always been such a social butterfly. Anyway, if you want my help then I'll expect you to actually follow my advice; otherwise, don't come back to me later whining about how things blew up in your face. Remember, your problems don't excuse you from being a jackass. If this happens, I just might be tempted to employ corporal punishment. Spankings, of course. Not beatings. That... would be wrong.
So! Have you yelled at a relative lately? If not, you probably should. To start you guys off, I have an exercise for anyone who has sisters and/or brothers in this place who just happen to be douches. A family stress test if you will, and it goes like this... first, go into whatever specific place they're most the comfortable in. Hint: it's usually their bedroom. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to wreak general havoc in this area. Ask invasive questions, take pictures, go through their clothes, break stuff, and otherwise pester the person in question until they feel the need to eat some crow. Believe me, it'll eventually improve their outlook on life. I know because I've been there before. There's always that one person you've trusted, maybe even tried to take care of, until they ripped your poor undead heart from your body... which may or may not be a stretch for some of you.
Don't you hate it when they take it all for granted? Trust me, I know. Hell, you might even go on after that for a while, try and make them remember who they actually are, but they've got nothing saved for you but that same disapproving smile, cold and deceiving as it always has been. And guess what? It always will be, until you pry it off with your own hands, smash it under your shoe and laugh, "That's what I think of you, dick". Yeah, melo-drama? Clichés be damned, it's still a real bitch. So, if you want some mediation tips, or if you just find that you... want me... look for the bright purple tent some of those limbering weirdos set up for me to work in-- it's pretty hard to miss. It's a freaking eyesore, actually, but it'll do for the time being.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a job to do... some lovely ladies to meet, and a little bro to check up on. I have a feeling this trip is gonna be real memorable for us.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Ramona V. Flowers
Series: Scott Pilgrim
Age: Classified...okay, 24
Job Title: Ninja Delivery Girl
Canon: Everybody makes bad decisions sometimes. Wearing white after Labor Day, drinking from an expired milk carton, dating someone who ends up being a jerk. Except Ramona Flowers's bad decisions have joined together to form a League of Evil Exes, dedicated to ruining her future love prospects. Enter our 1P protagonist, Scott Pilgrim, who agrees to take on all comers for the chance to hold hands with her and possibly get past second base. But in a manga and video game inspired world, where the fourth wall is casually ripped asunder, defeating someone turns them into coins, being vegan gives you psychic powers, and "love is a battlefield" can be more than a Pat Benatar song, regular courtship rules (or laws of physics) don't always apply.
Aloof and sometimes inscrutable, Ramona is trying to escape from her past. Taking a job as a courier for amazon.ca was the best way to employ her skills at running away from everything. It also allowed her to utilize the special ability of skating through a subspace found in other people's subconscious, thus enabling her to become the woman of Scott's dreams since she uses his brain space to make deliveries (it's not like he was using it). At first glance, she seems like the typical mystery woman. She dyes her hair a different color each month and has mastered the art of droll witticisms without giving too much of herself away. The fast way to a friendship with her is often based on mutual hate for something, and she can be horribly blunt in telling you how things suck. However, despite all of Ramona's defenses there is someone who is trying to grow into a better person and manages to care about the people she lets in. You just have to put up with a lot of shit to get there first.
Sample Post:
I've gotten a lot of prank deliveries before, and, hey, it doesn't really matter to me as long as I get a signature. But when I read "T. P. Cornholio, Bunghole CFUD" I expected MTV potheads, not actual corn. Or...actual holes either. I know this is in armpit of wherever, but I thought America kept their subspace roads free of potholes. Oh, wait, I misread. The hazard signs say "caution: plotholes." Ugh, either way these things are hell on my rollerblades. If I wanted to wander around aimlessly and ask questions about why I'm here I'd go back to my graphic novel about twenty-something slackers.
Look, can someone just sign for this? Anyone with opposable thumbs and attached limbs will do. I'd love to stay and, uh, examine your many haystacks or hear the story about why there's a squid on your silo, but I'm on the clock. Don't worry about me being an inconvenience. You just point me to the exit and I'll find my way out. I have a lot of experience with leaving the scene...
Really guys. I know a stranger passing through might be a big deal here, but I'm not up for explaining to my bosses that I was late because I had to finish a bonus stage full of robot cows and zombies. Especially when zombies don't even give you bus fare for defeating them. Not that I need to use the bus. Here, the first one to tell me how to get out and I'll give you the package. No charge, my treat. I can already tell you it's CDs, perfect for drowning out the chirping of crickets and having those wild square dancing parties. Need more convincing? How about I'll show you mine if you show me yours. And as you can see they're in pristine condition.
...okay, someone has a sick sense of humor when they decided to trap me in a farm with Toto's "Turn Back" and Kansas's "Point of Know Return." American ballad rock, great. That's not an attempt to break my spirit at all. Well, I guess if I'm going to level grind out of this place I should go with the title that doesn't suck at homonyms.
I have a feeling we're not listening to Kansas anymore, Toto.
Poll Vote!
Character: April Rhodes
Series: Glee
Character Age: Mid to late 30s
Job: Morale Officer
Canon: Glee is basically a big fat soap opera trussed up as a musical comedy, telling the tale of determined William McKinley High teacher Will Schuester, his ragtag group of misfit teens, and their struggle to sing, dance, express themselves and prevent their school's glee club from being sabotaged weekly by the tyrannical cheerleading coach. In addition, the glee kids face challenges like teen pregnancy, coming to terms with sexuality, being part of a minority group, and all the other hazards of high school, and they face them with a song in their heart. Often a showtune.
April Rhodes is a cheerful, mostly well-meaning and sexually ... open people person who has the best intentions at heart, but tends to get lost somewhere in the execution. An alumna of William McKinley herself, and the star of its glee club back in her glory days (ie. when glee didn't carry the stigma of being for backne-covered losers), she always had the voice of an angel and everyone expected her to be a star. But after some business involving running away with her high school sweetheart, a gay affair and mixed-race twins, April ended up washed up and strung out, squatting in luxury homes and dabbling in just about every dabbleable she could get her hands on -- booze, pills, upholstery cleaner. You name it, April Rhodes has put it either down her gullet or up her nose. That was until she met Will Schuester, who gave her hope that she might not be a has-been after all; maybe she's a gonna-be. From now on, April's strictly on the wagon. Except for liquor. And occasionally cough syrup.
Sample Post:
Well hey there, campers! Hands up if you love having fun! Really? No kidding, me too! I -- oh, sweetie, I was looking for enthusiasm, but that was maybe taking it a little too far. A gentle hands-up would've done it. All right, you're excused from the exercise 'til we can get somebody to come fish your arms outta that tree. And swing by my office this afternoon too, huh, what d'you say? I've got a little somethin'-somethin' that ought to take the edge right off those gaping mortal arm-wounds for you. Trust me, kiddo, I'm a counselor.
Everybody else? Say a great big howdy-do to your new morale officer! April with a capital A, that rhymes with hey, that's what you'll be saying to me because ... well, you get the idea. I've been hearing some things on the grapevine around here about morale being at an all-time low! Kids groaning and shuffling around all the live-long day, dragging their feet all over the place! And sometimes other people's feet, too! And I said to myself, I said, "This bunch of tragically gangrenous yet upstanding kids? Say it ain't so! April Rhodes, you put that hearty can of paint thinner and your foot down about this!" So I'm here to organize a few activities that ought to help y'all recapture that cheery summer camp spirit I ... sorta remember a little from my heyday. Details are kinda sketchy, but that's okay.
Now, since my fellow members of the counseling staff put a big old nix on my idea for a round of sake-bombing, something about it being "inappropriate for minors" and "needlessly messy" 'cause you kids have no "stomach lining" to speak of, I thought we'd try something else that's every bit as fun. Archery! Doesn't that sound nice? So if my homely assistant Mraaaaaugh here will hand me my bow ... thanks, button ... and then here, you take this apple and go stand down there by that tree. Yup, right there. All right now, it's real simple. All you have to do is just--
What do you mean? Sure it's safe! Safe as a house in Hollywood Hills! Trust me on that, those places are balls to try and get into. 'Sides, a session with my good buddy Jack always clears my aim right up; she'll fly straight and true, just you watch. ...See! What'd I -- oh. Oh, honey. Oh, I am so sorry. But it's not that bad! Honestly, they can do wonders with rhinoplasty these days. Here's my surgeon's card, you call him up and ask him for the MJ Special, okay? Tell him Peaches sent ya. There you go.
So! Who wants to be my next volunteer?
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Apollo Justice
Series: Apollo Justice: Ace Attorney
Character Age: 22
Job: Camp Errand Boy and Part-time Attorney
Canon: Aaah, the Ace Attorney series, where lawyer is both a noun and a verb! Apollo Justice is the titular character of this game--a new attorney picking up where Phoenix Wright left off. In the games, it's his job to prove his clients innocent, despite all the convoluted testimonies and enough incriminating evidence to screw over an elephant. Helping him along the way is the famous Phoenix Wright (now a grape-juice loving poker player), his magician assistant/sidekick, a Rock and Roll loving prosecutor, and a grumpy snack throwing detective. Oh, did I say helping? It's more like they give him vague unhelpful advice and counter every argument he has. Just another day in the life for this lawyer!
Apollo is a young rookie attorney, and boy does he love to LAWYER. Loud, enthusiastic, and ready to defend, Apollo takes his job as a defense attorney very seriously--sometimes to the point where others mock him for it. To Apollo, every aspect of his job is important, even if that includes digging through trash or presenting his sidekick's panties in court. Apollo puts on a very serious and professional face, but is actually easy to fluster, and has quite the sarcastic side. He's constantly judging the ridiculous antics of his friends and the surrounding environment. But while Apollo usually tries to be the voice of reason, he's rarely listened to or taken seriously, and can be as pun-tastic as the rest of the crew. But hey, with a name like Justice, what do you expect?
As a note, lawyers tend to emphasize certain words using orange font. Maybe it's a genetic thing.
Sample Post
Sorry, Miss. . .whoever you are. I assure you I don't need an escort. I'm not lost, really! If anything I'd say you were the one who needed help. Your elbow is dangling down by your knees, and the overalls aren't all that flattering, nor do they hide the missing organs on the side there. . .You say you're my Generic Genki Sidekick? Why on earth would I need one of those? Look, I'd like to stay and chat, but I really need to deliver this parcel to a Miss "Marcy". Admittedly, the directions are a bit fuzzy. It's just some sort of odd shaped blotched on top of a silo.
. . .Okay, fine. Fine! If you really know the way, then you can accompany me. Just please stop breathing so heavily on my back. It would be a little comforting not walking through the area alone. Ugh, honestly, can you believe I got roped into this so called internship? The Director said I'd earn more experience in my field of work, but I never imagined it would involve cornfields. I could have sworn the pamphlet said CFUD Law Firm not Law Farm! Jeeze, I get my fill of corn by listening to prosecutors spout lame puns all day, I don't need the real thing!
Hey, are you even listening to me? What are you examining over there anyway.......A-a dead body?! We have to call the police!! Huh?! This isn't a laughing matter. Someone in this hick town of a camp is a murderer!
--No, I don't think the scarecrow did it! It looks like the victim was trampled a bit, then had his head chewed on thoroughly, and his. . .brains removed. D-don't look at me that way, I don't think you're the culprit! Seriously, your eyeball sort of dangles out when you start crying. You were with me the entire time anyway, right? Of course, there's no alibi for your actions before we met up, but if you truly are innocent I'll defend you to death! Er, no pun intended.
. . .You say you saw a brief flash of black and white before finding me? And what looked like a pair of er, evil horns? Hmm. Looks like Miss Marcy will have to wait for her parcel. Right now we need to deliver something more important--the truth! I'm no detective, but there have to be clues pointing to the real criminal. The murderer may have escaped that scarecrow's ever watchful gaze, but they can't escape the eyes of the law forever! If we gather the right evidence we can bring this vile criminal to JUSTICE! All you have to do is testify!
. . .
No, "Praise Zombie Jesus" does not count as testimony.
This is going to be one long internship.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Geoffrey Tennant
Series: Slings & Arrows
Age: Not specified, probably in his forties.
Job: Drama Teacher
Canon: Slings & Arrows is a story about a dying theatre festival, the meaning of art, the overpowering awesomeness of Shakespeare. At the forefront of the festival and the minimalist art movement is Geoffrey Tennant, the visionary who revitalizes the festival with the help of a semi-friendly ghost. Also, he might be insane. He definitely used to be insane. After a traumatic performance of Hamlet seven years ago, he was declared by everyone, himself included, to be mad. But he might be better now. Of course, he also sees visions of the now-dead director who drove him crazy in the first place, chews on razor blades, and challenges his enemies to duels over their excessive use of horses or swastikas in performances, so it's kind of up in the air.
Geoffrey is a thespian, and as such, he is dramatic, long-winded, prone to quoting the bard, and has impeccable comic timing. While he tries his best to act uninterested, mentally unequipped, and generally drunk and disorderly, Geoffrey has a deep and undying love of the theatre which doesn't allow him to ever completely give up on life. But it does allow him to try to bring everyone else down with him.
Sample Entry:
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your--on second thought, not the best opening. Not only is it completely overused, but with this audience, I have to worry you'd take it seriously.
Now, either the New Burbage Shakespeare Festival has lovingly embraced a bold and daring new diversity initiative in its casting or--far more likely--I am drunk. Or perhaps seeing visions. Again. I suppose it isn't that big a step from seeing ghosts to seeing--well, rotting corpses. And a variety of woodland creatures, some in very unusual colors! Fantastic. I've always felt that limiting the speaking roles to humans is very short-sighted. Animals are people too, after all. Or, well, you know.
In any case, let's get started. You, Rotting Corpse #1, in the hat with the rapier. Step forward. With your whole body, please. I'm not picking that up later, and the tech staff won't want to either. Now. What is your name, and what is your acting experience?
"Brains." Well, I've heard worse nicknames. If you're the smartest of the bunch, we may have a problem. And your previous experience? Also Brains. I see. Age? Favorite food? Still Brains. I'm starting to think you're mocking me. It isn't good for the actors to mock the director, it creates a power imbalance. If you must do it, I'd prefer you stuck to topics about which I deserve to be mocked. Bringing up my insanity, for example! I encourage that. Yes, I am Geoffrey Tennant. Yes, I did have an episode several years ago. They assure me I'm "better now." You are free to disagree. You certainly wouldn't be the first, and I may very well back you up on it.
But that is neither here nor there, and certainly is not what we're here for. We are here for theatre. More specifically we are here for Pericles. Good play, Pericles. Very under-appreciated. Many people find it dull. Let me see your copy, Brains. Ah, well. I can see how this version would be more engrossing. I had to write my own sex scenes in, and my illustrations were not nearly as graphic. I'm sure Shakespeare is rolling in his grave. Not that that's news. And who will be playing our leading man? Ah, you, the...gorilla man. Excellent. And Thaisa, his wife?
A horse. Jesus Christ, why is it always horses?
All right! Well, I think it is high time to establish if I am being or not being, sleeping, perchance dreaming, or just insane. Everyone, take fifteen. I'm going to see if my subconscious has a bar. If it really is my subconscious, I assume it has several.
Poll Vote!
Name: Revy
Series: Black Lagoon
Age: Mid-Twenties
Job: Advisor in Good Life Choices
Canon: Rokuro Okajima was just a mild-mannered Japanese salary man until he was kidnapped mid business-trip by the Lagoon Company -- ostensibly just a delivery service, but really more like modern-day pirates -- and taken for ransom. It turned out however that he was good in a crisis, and Rokuro -- newly christened "Rock" -- finds himself the newest member of the Lagoon Company. It's difficult, trying to navigate this new life style from the twilight of Ronapur -- a mostly lawless port-island off the coast of Thailand, where life is dangerous, unpredictable, and loyalty can be negotiated in dollars -- but Rock adapts as best he can, trying to bring a little Japanese businessman flavor to this life of crime.
Revy is the Lagoon Company's hired gun, and her skill, exuberance for killing and ability to aim just as well with either hand have earned her some notoriety and the nickname "two-hands" among the other outlaws of Roanapur. She is short-tempered, foul-mouthed, and has a soft spot for death metal and old-fashioned western gunman movies -- which colors her speech with slang, unflattering nicknames and slightly out-of-date pop-culture references. As a Chinese-American girl growing up on the streets of New York, she's had a pretty shitty life -- though she's not really that hung up on it, preferring to approach life, the universe, and everything with a practical if not somewhat nihilistic view. The Almighty Dollar is Revy's god, and her faith in that -- and her pair of modified Beretta M92 Sword Cutlasses -- carries her through most things.
Sample:
Aw, no, what the hell-- what the actual hell is this? I ain’t no baby sitter and I sure as shit ain’t no counselor! I’m not even qualified, you know? I’m like some sort of poster child for bad life choices and you want me up here tellin’ kids ‘do your best, life is what you make it, go for the dream’? Fuckin’ laugh riot she is, this Director Bitch of yours! Damn but I’m impressed with her balls, though, really bringing me out here to her not-o.k. corral for this lame-ass joke of a job! Fuck, she ain't exactly the able-minded lady, is she? Yeah, I guess that makes sense! Only somebody in bad need of some counselling herself would try and put some chink American gutter-trash bitch in charge of their pity party! That right there was a bad life choice! Ha! I'm a natural! But I got bad news for you -- I ain’t interested, so you all can save your sob stories. I’ve been hired for some shitty jobs before, but this is out of this world ridiculous!
I mean, what the hell do I look like, some sort of vending machine? Pop in a few quarters, turn the handle and out comes some shiny bubblegum advice! Heh, maybe more like playing the slots -- your odds are a whole helluva lot worse, but then, you must like a good gamble, bettin’ on me for this job of yours. Che, fine, fine, since I’m already here and everything, I guess I’ll do the damn job -- then I’m taking your money and blowing this joint.
So then, you brats better listen up -- hell, you geezers might as well tune in too -- ‘cause I ain’t gonna say any a’this more than once. Rule number one for gettin' on in life is, always look out for number one. Sure, your crew is like family and they'll watch your ass, but anybody else is gonna sell you up the Sante Fe Trail for a fist full of dollars -- nothing personal, just business, but it means you gotta stay sharp. You get relaxed and you'll go soft -- like Groany over here. Hell, he's so soft he's practically melting. Rule number two is no sentimental crap. In the end, there's only two things you can count on: money and a gun -- nothing but trouble ever came from being a bleedin' heart, so put it away, Brainy. Rule number three is always decide your terms of payment in advance, cause I sure as shit ain't getting paid by the hour, so you mumbling jackasses can just make do with two rules, and if you don’t like it, heh, well, you can fuckin’ bite me!
--Ow! What the f--did you actually just fuckin’ bite me you shitty son of a bitch? Haaa... LISTEN UP BOYS AND GIRLS ‘CAUSE WE GOT OURSELVES AN EDUCATIONAL VOLUNTEER! This son of bitch just made himself one hell of a bad life choice, and you all get to fuckin’ learn from it! Brand new rule number one from now on is gonna be don’t bite the goddamn teacher, or else she’s gonna shove her Sword Cutlass so far up your ass she sees daylight -- bam bam and straight on ‘til morning!
Poll Vote!
Character: Balalaika
Series: Black Lagoon
Character Age: early 30s
Job: Adult Content Monitor
Canon: Roanapur, a fictional port city in Thailand, is a crossroads pulling in people from all over the world. The one thing they have in common is that they're all irredeemable criminals. Here, you look out for your own, don't trust anyone you don't have to, and make your fortunes running against the law. And if the law-or anyone else-fights back... well, that's what guns are for, right? There's no room for pity or charity when you're fighting for every minute of your life. At least, that's what Japanese salaryman Okajima Rokurou (now known as "Rock") is learning as the newest member of the Lagoon Company-four people with an old torpedo boat who take what jobs they get to stay afloat.
A frequent client of the Lagoon Company, Balalaika is the head of Hotel Moscow, the Russian mafia in Thailand. Previously a captain during the Soviet war in Afghanistan, she is more than capable in combat and well-known for her marksmanship, but she rarely needs to enter a fight herself. Instead, she employs negotiations and strategy, and, if necessary, her personal corps of special forces troops who continued following her leadership even after the war was over. Of course, Balalaika enjoys war far too much to give it up entirely. While she is usually friendly and honorable in her dealings with the Lagoon company-at least by Roanapur standards-she gleefully seeks out conflict and will eliminate any challenges to her authority or threats to her men with ruthless severity and military precision.
Sample Entry:
Well well, this is quite the impressive place you have here, Madam Direktor. Or should I say, it's certainly impressive that I'm here to see it. It takes quite the influence to bring me across the world, and the fact that you've managed to pull me away from my men is an amazing feat. I only wish you'd seen fit to meet me in person. Don't you think it's a bit rude to leave a guest stranded alone in a new place?
And this place itself, now... well, I suppose it does represent the true heart of America, if by that you mean corn and cow shit. I'll admit the B-movie monsters are a bit more interesting, but they utterly lack organization or discipline. An army of zombies could very well be intimidating, but these stagger aimlessly, incompetent and harmless... And what are they wearing? Are you trying for zombie cowboys? At least if that were actually the case they could round the cows up, and I suppose a stampede could be dangerous to the unprepared. An inelegant threat, certainly, but that suits quite well; I'm not sure anyone here is truly prepared for a more organized threat.
Speaking of which, I understand you want me to monitor the children here and make sure nothing gets out of hand. What is it that you're afraid they might do? Something illegal? Depraved? Ahaha, that's hilarious. Oh, no, I understand. You wouldn't want your precious abductees to be exposed to any adult concepts. Although I hardly see what the issue is; I'd say everything that happens here is quite tame, really. If you brought me here for just that, I have to say that it would be much more worthwhile to focus your energy elsewhere. However, if you insist, I will certainly watch the brats. Of course, what I do with them is my own business.
If that's clear, then I only have one more thing to address. You may have separated me from my men, but I still have my Stechkin, and I will find you. And when I do, I'll shove it so far down your throat that your eyeballs will bug out like a fish and you won't even taste the bullets when they tear your guts apart. You'll see what real depravity is when we dance together in hell.
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Character name: Damon Salvatore
Series: The Vampire Diaries (TV)
Age: appears to be 25
Job: Romance Advisor
Canon: After losing her parents in a car accident, Elena Gilbert was doing her best to pull herself back together. However, she never thought she'd get involved in the middle of the never-ending conflict between two vampire brothers -the Salvatores- who hated each other instead. That's how she ends up dealing with vampires, witches, family drama, death and the truth that had been hidden from her town's history.
The elder Salvatore brother is Damon, who has sworn to make his younger brother Stefan's life miserable. He, unlike Stefan, feeds on human blood and he has little respect for human life. Sarcastic, cocky, arrogant, manipulative and glib, Damon is a bastard who always gets what he wants. Not only that, but he always appears to be up to something, scheming for his own selfish desires and pulling the strings to play in his favor. Through the course of the show, he claims not to care about anything or about anyone outside hating his brother, but Elena proves him wrong when she manages to bring out what's left of Damon's humanity. Don't be mistaken, though, because despite his "I'm just misunderstood" exterior, he's still capable of forcing himself on girls against their will without showing any kind of remorse. After all, humans are just toys to play with.
Sample Post:
Listen up, sweetheart, because today is your lucky day.
Why, you might ask? I'm feeling like a giving guy right now. And let's just say our charming Miss Sayre was very enthusiastic upon my arrival, and she even entrusted me with such a thrilling task that I couldn't refuse. Who I was to say no? I've always been all about helping the young and inexperienced. Oh, teens today need all the help they can get to make it through their incredibly difficult lives. They're craving approval and attention, and sometimes they just need a small push in the right direction. No one wants these poor little campers to drift away towards the dark; they need a do-gooder hero to guide them. You must know what I'm going on about; you're always watching them from up there like a diligent, touchy-feely fairy godmother and from what I've heard, you go as far as giving them practical lessons. However, our lovely Director mentioned to me that you've lost your touch lately.
As camp's new Romance Advisor, it's merely my duty to be open and offer my keen input to whoever needs it. That's where you come in, because I've been doing some research and it looks to me like you need my help the most. Now, I can imagine how hard it must be to maintain a relationship in this day and age. Trust me, it was a lot easier back in the day. I'm not saying I'm old -on the contrary!- but history never lies. Except for when it does, but moving on. These days it's all about keeping it fresh and coming up with imaginative ways to try new things, to make it exciting! The feeling of the chase is still here, but they've forgotten all about security and true romance. They've barely had a taste of the forbidden fruit before they throw it away, picking up another as if it was nothing. See, that? That's what romance is all about today and it's such a tragic revelation. Heart-breaking, in fact. No wonder you've lost the ability to share your slimey eight-in-one love, with your illusions shattered like that.
It's time to get that Miss "I'm miserable" look off your face. Look, it's quite simple, actually. You want that loud-mouthed stud back? All you've gotta do is show him who's in charge, dominate him inside and out until there's nothing else he can say. You've got enough . . . tentacles to keep him entertained, so I'm sure you can make that loudspeaker forget all about the sparkles and cheap seduction of the noobspeaker. Besides, two large -and quite handsome, yes, how could I ever forget that- poles can only do so much together. Show him what you've learned after years of touching the youth, and make him beg for more.
You gotta have more than a few tricks up your sleeve, figuratively speaking. Or better yet, we could get literal. Remember that ink incident? Come on now, you know what I mean.
Applicant #2
Character: Self-Serving Psychopath Damon Salvatore
Series: The Vampire Diaries (TV Series)
Character age: Somewhere around 170, physically in his mid-twenties
Job: Family Relationships Counselor
Canon: The Vampire Diaries is the story of a kind and beautiful seventeen year old girl named Elena Gilbert, who, after spending several months consumed by pain and survivor's guilt from losing both of her parents in a tragic car accident, meets a handsome young man on the first day of the new school year who sparks her interest, named Stefan Salvatore. Miss Elena just happens to be physically identical to the woman who turned Stefan and his brother, Damon, into vampires in the first place. Both men fell in love with that girl, whose name was Katherine, and the events that led to their separation from her created a painful rift between the brothers that simply couldn't be healed by time alone, starting with Damon promising his brother "an eternity of misery."
Damon is the opposite of his younger brother, Stefan-- the "good" brother. He's virtually amoral and thoroughly enjoys being a vampire. Most of the time, Damon sees absolutely nothing wrong with killing or manipulating people; it's in his nature, after all. He enjoys his predatory urges, and because of this, he has stronger abilities and more control over his blood lust than his brother, and Damon does almost anything he can to make his brother miserable, as he promised he would. He often makes it a point to mock and belittle Stefan, threaten his new human girlfriend, or kill people in front of him in mad displays of power. Although Damon claims to hate his little brother, he also insists that he wants Stefan to come to terms with his vampiric nature, usually by tempting him with human blood. Personality-wise, Damon is antagonistic, exceptionally clever and witty, sarcastic, and hedonistic. He's also a lonely, bored, impatient and impulsive alcoholic, and he has a very strong seductive pull-- he's practically allergic to shirts, and sometimes dances like he's on the clock at Chippendale's. Even though he's done ghastly things, Damon isn't entirely evil, nor is he really an unsung hero. He's a wild card, and that just makes him all the more unpredictable... not to mention, fucking awesome.
Sample post:
Hi, kids. My name's Damon Salvatore, the newest counselor in the... field. I'm the Family Relationships Counselor, actually. In case those context clues weren't obvious enough for some of you, I'm here to help those who have issues with one or more relatives. Supposedly, I also get paid for this. Some of you may know my brother, actually... Stefan? He's always been such a social butterfly. Anyway, if you want my help then I'll expect you to actually follow my advice; otherwise, don't come back to me later whining about how things blew up in your face. Remember, your problems don't excuse you from being a jackass. If this happens, I just might be tempted to employ corporal punishment. Spankings, of course. Not beatings. That... would be wrong.
So! Have you yelled at a relative lately? If not, you probably should. To start you guys off, I have an exercise for anyone who has sisters and/or brothers in this place who just happen to be douches. A family stress test if you will, and it goes like this... first, go into whatever specific place they're most the comfortable in. Hint: it's usually their bedroom. Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to wreak general havoc in this area. Ask invasive questions, take pictures, go through their clothes, break stuff, and otherwise pester the person in question until they feel the need to eat some crow. Believe me, it'll eventually improve their outlook on life. I know because I've been there before. There's always that one person you've trusted, maybe even tried to take care of, until they ripped your poor undead heart from your body... which may or may not be a stretch for some of you.
Don't you hate it when they take it all for granted? Trust me, I know. Hell, you might even go on after that for a while, try and make them remember who they actually are, but they've got nothing saved for you but that same disapproving smile, cold and deceiving as it always has been. And guess what? It always will be, until you pry it off with your own hands, smash it under your shoe and laugh, "That's what I think of you, dick". Yeah, melo-drama? Clichés be damned, it's still a real bitch. So, if you want some mediation tips, or if you just find that you... want me... look for the bright purple tent some of those limbering weirdos set up for me to work in-- it's pretty hard to miss. It's a freaking eyesore, actually, but it'll do for the time being.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a job to do... some lovely ladies to meet, and a little bro to check up on. I have a feeling this trip is gonna be real memorable for us.
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