(no subject)
LET'S ENJOY VOTING!
As a note, be sure to check your HTML and formatting before you send in, guys! It's a good idea to post your app in a private LJ post before you send it off and make sure it comes out right. I had several formatting or coding errors to clean up this time around. . . . though the round is closed anyway so let's get to the voting eh
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. CLOSED WITH A SKINNY LINE
Character: Illyria
Series: Angel http://buffy.wikia.com/wiki/Angel_(series)
Character Age: Ancient
Job: Tentacle Wrangler
Canon: Angel is a television and comic book series about the world's angstiest vampire detective slash champion of good as he seeks redemption for the evil deeds of his past, as well as the lives of those around him as they help him help the helpless.
Illyria was an ancient demon god-king - that looked like a cross between an armored tank and an evil giant squid - from the time of the Old Ones when nightmares walked the earth. Resting in a sarcophagus for thousands of years, Illyria first appeared as the infectious dust that slowly killed Angel's friend and co-worker Fred. Now Illyria walks among humanity, wearing the hardened shell of the woman she killed and reminiscing about the good old days of giant armies and monster war. Illyria might not the scary pure demon she once was but she can still put her fist through your head when she's in a bad mood.
Sample Entry:
I see you waving your tentacles at me. I once had appendages like yours, long and sharp and deadly, and power to make mortals tremble. I was worshiped far and wide. Lower lifeforms trembled at the sound of my name across the world. Now I am locked in this shell, limited and weak, unable to bend time to my will or move through worlds.
I have come to deal with you, Marcy, to protect you from the small, insignificant creatures of this camp and them from you. I will do great violence on those who wish to harm you. Perhaps also on this who wish to have great violence done to them and those that displease me. I will protect your barn from the pathetic inhabitants of this earth and destroy them as they wish to destroy you. I will rend them from limb to limb as cleanly as an axe through bark if they so much as look at you with insolence!
I gladly await all challengers. They shall not best me! I will rule this piece of this farm like it were my ancient kingdom. I will be your champion and I will defend you the way humans defend their squalling, fattened, ugly spawn. I will make this barn my fortress and I will not rest as long as it stands undefeated!
I will fetch the finest craftsmen in all the land and they will make you as pure and beautiful a suit of armor as can be wrought with human hands! Let them marvel at how intimidating we are. The weakest of men will soil themselves as they gaze upon us in fear. They will speak of us in terrified whispers! Let them turn their fear from zombies, the most pitiful of all creatures, and fear only us.
This place reeks of rotting flesh and human misery. Its putrid inhabitants do war with each other merely from boredom and I can feel so much power coiled amongst them. They grow restless with the need to fight. They quarrel over meaningless subjects and their squabbles progress into senseless violence. Such fools! They will come to me, with their disputes devoid of any significance or reason, and I will dominate them! I think I'm going to like it here.
Poll Vote!
Character: Lara Croft
Series: Lara
Croft: Tomb Raider / Tomb
Raider: The Cradle of Life (movies)
Character Age: Not stated; game canon estimates go to 29/30.
Counselor Job: Rare Item Liberator
Canon: An adaptation from the long-standing series of
games, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and its sequel focus upon the
adventures of the eponymous heroine, Lara, the not exactly ideal
successor of the aristocratic Croft family. While most aristocrats’
exploits stereotypically extend to horse-riding and taking tea, Lara
Croft prefers travelling to the far-off climes of the world, wandering
through dangerous temples, and stealing ancient and supernatural
artifacts. An excellent life choice all round.
Despite her heritage, Lara is no delicate lady. Trained in a variety
of martial arts and well versed in the skills of combat, she veers
more on the side of breaking someone’s nose than offering them
flattery. But this doesn’t mean she isn’t well bred - however damning
her opinion, she’ll be polite about it. And sarcastic. Extremely
intelligent, versed in a dozen languages, and quick to offer a quip,
she strives to stop life from getting dull. For all her talents, Lara
comes across as detached from others - orphaned, with only her butler
and tech support guy for company, Lara is brilliant but lonely; loyal,
and possessive. Harming her friends is a bad idea. Stealing from her
is far worse.
Sample Post:
Really. Is there any need for all of the grabbing? All this
fuss over one, tiny treasure chest. Honestly, Mr. Raaahrg, I feel I’ve
overestimated your sense of humour. Not to mention your attempts at
subterfuge. I’ll be quite honest with you, since I believe if I were
missing half of my brain, I would appreciate people being as direct as
possible: if I hadn’t allowed it, your henchmen would never have laid
hands on me at all. A note on that, just as an aside; there is a
reason gorillas originally had a dark coat. It was so they
couldn’t be seen from a hundred paces. Mr. Raaahrg, your security
operation is flawed. And in the spirit of honesty, your ear has just
fallen off.
Come along, now. It doesn’t matter how many brains you demand, you
won’t be able to replace your own. If you’ll stop gesticulating and
listen for a moment, I’ll tell you exactly why I’ve taken this
treasure chest from your Caves of Despair. Which, by the way, are
inappropriately named. I’ve seen a few caves in my life, enough to be
able to label them accurately. Your caves, if anything, are of
ankle-deep moss and curiously phallic monsters. Once again, your
security is poor. It’s disappointing, shall we say, when the most
threatening thing I encountered on my journey to find this chest was a
chicken. Though, kudos on that one. I didn’t quite expect so
much fun at the farm. However, despite your fowl army, taking
this was child’s play - as I believe you’d know, since no doubt
the children here do it all the time.
Here’s the point where you all remove your bedazzle-gloved hands. I
have no wish to keep what’s in the chest; my particular interests are
more esoteric. I’m sure you’ll get great use out of your wooden sword,
though I shan’t want to hear about it. Much to my discomfort, I did
this on someone else’s orders. Your Ms. Sayre was quite insistent. And
durable. Since I have been hired by her to ensure that every
individual in this camp learns to value what they own one way
or another, and it does appear to be my quickest way to a ticket out
of here ... I’m obliging her, for the time being. That means
liberating a few small trifles, now and then. And giving them back, if
they aren’t too interesting. I’m not a petty thief, you know.
All the same: gentlemen! Hold onto your hats. But trust me, you can
keep your noses.
Poll Vote!
Character: Giriko
Series: Soul Eater
Character Age: 800+
Job: Hedge-trimmer.
Canon: In Soul Eater, living weapons and the Meisters who wield them attend a school named Shibusen together. There they learn the value of friendship from a crackpot mentor who happens to be the personification of death - and occasionally, fight crime! One of the villains they run up against is Giriko. Though he appears to be a young delinquent, he's actually an Enchanter over 9000 800 years old. His golem-building skills have enabled him to extend his lifespan, as well as create constructs to wield him. For Giriko is, unusually for his world, a chainsaw without a Meister. Though he doesn't have a partner, his loyalty to the witch Arachne has been with him for thirty lifetimes, and he acts as one of her bodyguards and bully-boys.
When he's not enjoying slicing and dicing his enemies, or mastering his magic, Giriko is a bit of a lout. His colloquial speech and black sense of humour just emphasize his bad attitude. If he's not having fun, he tends to slack off and complain. He's barely ever seen without a bottle of booze, and though he seems to think he's a womaniser, he's mostly just a sleaze, with no compunctions about forcing pretty young ladies to do what he wants. Giriko loves to pick a fight, especially if it means he's rebelling against authority - whether that's the structured institution of Shibusen or an uptight ally. Either way, the chainsaw enjoys casual brawling just as much as a real fight that requires him to transform, and most of all he loves a challenge.
Sample Post:
Oi, stop crying, it's pissing me off. Just 'cause I've managed to land some shitty job here don't think I'm gonna start handing out balloons or candy like those fuckers in the white vans, y'know? I ain't interested in looking after any creepy blue-eyed brats, no matter how many secrets they think they know. Aw shit, stop it already, it can't hurt that badly. I guess I can tell you a joke if it'll make you shut the hell up.
Lemme think, lemme think... heh, the last joke I heard wouldn't mean shit to a kid like you. There's a lotta people here with a filthy sense of humor. Or just generally filthy. One chick - fuck, if she hadn't been falling apart at the seams I mighta been interested; I don't really find a lot of ladies who are into me for my brains. Those kinda women really get my motor running, if ya know what I mean.
Back during my interview, all the applicants thought they were so fucking funny. Couldn't move for the puns. Now you probably can't tell just looking at me, but I like a sharper kinda wit. Something with a little slice to it- shit, don't look scared, you loser, I ain't gonna cut you again. If I'm gonna threaten you, you'll know about it, right?
So what is there to drink around here, anyway? Nobody had better try and tell me I can't drink on the job: do I look like the kind of shithead who works hard and sticks to the rules? If you're going to hire me to come out to some crappy cornfield in the middle of nowhere, you'd better show me where they're turning it into bourbon, y'know? Yeah, to tell you the truth, I woulda preferred Texas; I've heard it's a place a chainsaw can really get comfortable. But I guess there's enough to dismember here that I'll be occupied for at least a little while.
I'm getting off track. I was gonna tell you a joke, right? Wait, wait, I've got one: What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, and no tongue, in the middle of a summer camp? A good listener! Gyahahaha!
Poll Vote!
Character: Nagakura Shinpachi
Series: Hakuouki ~Shinsengumi Kitan~
Character Age: ~25
Job: Displayer of Six Packs
Canon: Yukimura Chizuru ran into one big problem when she went to Kyoto - vampire samurai. Not just normal samurai (as if these weren't abnormal enough), but Shinsengumi members, the police force of the era.Fortunately, she was saved by the normal Shinsengumi, and promptly collapsed. Next thing she knows, she's waking up at their headquarters, and despite a rough start, is slowly starting to become a useful and valued member of the organization. Hakuouki: Shinsengumi Kitan is an anime based on the Otome game series of the same name. Nagakura Shinpachi is one of the Shinsengumi that Chizuru meets.
Shinpachi is the captain of the second division of the Shinsengumi, and a master swordsman in his own right. He's the rougher sort, fun loving and laid back, insanely proud of himself and his body (particularly his muscles upon muscles) and his own abilities, and always the type to torment and tease his fellow Shinsengumi (but especially Heisuke.) He's the type to put a smile on almost anything, either because he's trying to cheer others up, or because he doesn't want to take it too seriously. He does know how to be responsible though, knowing his comrades and his men well enough to try to hold them back when necessary. Though, when Shinpachi gets riled up enough (which happens a fair amount, as he's so emotional), it's hard for anyone to hold him back. He's also a first class womanizer and alcoholic, often breaking the rules of the Shinsengumi in a form of protest, and sometimes... just because he wants to. But beyond all of that, he's as loyal as loyal can be, and cares about everyone in the group, unwilling to leave anyone behind.
Sample Entry:
Oi, oi, oi, everyone! Displayer of Six Packs, Nagakura Shinpachi, is here!
Not that I know what exactly that means, heh. I mean, the Shinsengumi have been called on to do a lot of things, you know. Some of them stranger than others. Not really sure what this one means exactly, but I won't let Kondou-san and Hijikata-san down! Let me just check my invitation from Miss Elizabeth again, huh? Hmm, what is it? Something about bodies and something about containers of booze..? Hmm... It's a good thing they sent me, then, haha! I got both of them covered. Don't believe me? Let me prove it to you!
There's nothing better than a well built body. I mean, I'd know more than anyone. I'll definitely show mine to everyone, all of it. My muscles have muscles from all my sword training, and yeah, I know you might be wondering why anyone'd need them in a place like this. Corn? Is dangerous. It's so dangerous, we don't even have it in Japan. So, you know, you gotta take your life, your sword, and your junk into your own hands and just go wild with it! Consider me, Shinpachi, your new role model in life! You know you wanna be healthy like this. You know you want to be built like this. Don't just sit there and let your life in this summer camp pass you by! You got cows you can wrestle! Or just ride, if you're into that kind of thing. I wouldn't steer you wrong.
As for the other part to my new job, well... don't tell anyone, but I do this drinking thing a lot. You gotta practice at something if you want to get good at it, right? And if I had to rank everyone in the Shinsengumi, the best is definitely me, and I'd dare someone here to do me better! The real part I'm confused about is why you'd only have six in a package, and why you'd keep them in metal containers. I, for one, can definitely handle a bigger package than that, and... well, if the lake animals can eat the containers... so can I. I'm not worried, and you shouldn't be either! So that's that!
I know everyone's down about stuff like not being able to escape, and all the wild stuff they got going on here, and yeah, it's tough, I bet. I've only been around for a few minutes and I already know there's stuff I don't like. That I'm away from my comrades and my friends! I mean, Saitou isn't even here for me to get sick on. And the plants keep trying to steal my headband, and nobody needs to see my hair like that, you know! Okay, the lady of the lake is pretty friendly though, but I know some people don't like that kinda thing... But you know, there's definitely a good side!
...
I mean, there's gotta be. And we're gonna find it. You, and me, and my six packs!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Selina Kyle (Catwoman)
Series: DC Universe
Age: Mid-twenties
Job: Gymnastics Instructor and Supplementary Pest Control
Canon: Gotham City: well known worldwide for its suspiciously high population of superheroes and/or villains. One never quite knows when the next explosion, kidnapping, or mass genocidal event may occur, and whether that Bat dude will step in and save the day, plus or minus a few incidental buildings.
Selina Kyle, more widely known by her alias of ‘Catwoman’, never quite fit the villain archetype in its entirety. Traumatic Events of her Youth led her to master martial arts and a bullwhip rather than finding a shrink. Said Events also spawned a decidedly non-furry identification and obsession with all things feline (and she’d prefer it if you refrained from asking how much of herself she licks clean- or else.) Her driving motivations are hedonism and self reliance. She considers murder beneath her, mayhem for the sake of mayhem uncouth; really, she’s mostly in the whole supervillain business to steal pretty, expensive things. Redemption? Blah. Revenge? Boring. What’s the use of prowling around rooftops in a skintight cat costume if you can’t have fun with it?
Sample Entry:
Inner monologue is feeling furious at the moment. Furious at that jackass who tipped me off about the mansion with the diamonds that doesn’t exist, and furious at myself for falling for it, because I should be smarter than that by now. But no, just the mention of a nine digit price tag and the thought of all the pretty new toys I could get with my cut of that-
And now I’m here with all these strangers and all these kids, which throws a girl a bit. The place is the size of a village, and some of these people just come off as classless. And I like class. And I’m supposed to teach them tumbling or something, but it’s not like they can force me to do that, right?
Well, the important thing is that I’ll be okay biding my time here while I figure out how to get past the invisible wall thing. Can’t be too tricky, can it? It’s not too bad here, all things considered. Bit quieter than Gotham. Bit of a break from the usual- and hey, despite the zombies and the fruit loop birds and the gorillas, there’s occasionally small, fluffy kittens, and they make my day. They’re bit excitable, though- and almost always in pairs. I need to ask around to see if I can get some milk suitable for the kittens.
Would it be too irresponsible of me to encourage the kids to construct a gem mine? Of course, this would have a primary goal of helping shape young, floppy physiques for the rigors of gymnastics. Not finding me sparkling things- that’s just a fringe benefit. Flaw in the plan is not knowing exactly where we are and if it’s somewhere gemstones are gonna be found, but I figure it can’t hurt to try, and worst case scenario I have the beginnings of an underground escape route built entirely by child sla-
It would promote teamwork, and I’m sure someone somewhere who isn’t me cares about that, and then I can make some friends to help me beat up the jerks who seem like they’re staring at my chest all the time. Is everyone’s brain that buried in the litter box? Not that I mind that much. But manners are so neglected, doncha think?
Poll Vote!
Character: Captain Jack Harkness
Series: Torchwood / Doctor Who
Character Age: Appears late 30s but... it's complicated. ~2000...something.
Job: Management trainer
Canon: Torchwood. Outside of the government, beyond the police and broadcasting in a late enough timeslot to embrace its status as the Darker And Edgier spin-off of Doctor Who. Like the bastard Welsh lovechild of Men in Black and Queer As Folk, Torchwood's small team of alien investigators in Cardiff fight the monsters of the week while screwing up their dysfunctional personal lives as much as possible, as bisexually as possible. Appropriately, this is done under the fearless leadership of Captain Jack Harkness, a man with a bit of a... reputation.
Charismatic, clever and a crack shot of an action man, the former time traveling con-man is known for charming the pants off of everyone he meets (sometimes literally, regardless of gender/sex/species/etc.). A turn as a sidekick to a certain Doctor left Jack with a very inconvenient conscience and a nasty case of immortality, though. The once carefree cad is now weighted down with a maturity born of much sorrow, more responsibility than any one person should be forced to handle and the ability to brood dramatically on top of tall buildings. Nevertheless, he still manages to look handsome, shoot his mouth off with admirable/stupid brashness, sleep with one of his hot employees and, sometimes, save the world.
Sample Entry:
All right, boys and girls, settle down, class is now in session. It seems like kind of a waste that we couldn't get some sort of "hot for teacher" thing going, but I guess that would clash with the "wholesome Middle America farming" theme. I dated a farmer's daughter once. Dairy farm. I've never felt as jealous of a bovine as I did watching her take care of those cows in the morning. For now, though, we're here to cover the... ah-hah, here's the polite invitation. "Upon reviewing your managerial experience, we have reluctantly hired you to arm these young bosses against the future. Cover the Basic Functions of Management listed below or else. Signed, The Management."
So let's do this. First management function on the list is... Planning. Yet another area in life where flexibility comes in handy. Best laid schemes, mice and men, et cetera. Sometimes the best plan in the world ends up being "Don't die." There's also that age-old stand-by of "Hang tight and hope for the best." I've used that one a lot.
Then, we have Organizing. I hate organizing. I hire people to do organizing. Speaking of which, function number three: Staffing. Conversely, this is my favorite. You are your people and your people are you, so know what the hell you're doing. Hire based on competency and never even consider for a moment things like how good they look in a suit until you know that they're the right person for the job. Also, double-check that they aren't hiding any killer robots in your office basement. No, really, just trust me on that one.
Number four on the list is a no-brainer, since Leading/Directing is kind of the point here. It's your responsibility to either know where you're all going, be really damn good at faking it or have your staff be able to trust that if you don't know, they should keep following you anyways. The power to make the final decisions rests in your hands, and if you aren't prepared to be a good boss rather than a popular one, then you should get your arse out of that cushy chair right now. If you get past that to our penultimate item, Controlling/Monitoring, just remember to keep it safe, sane and consensual, kids.
Finally, we have Motivation. Depending on where you're working, your pretty face might not be enough to make coming in each day worth it for your staff. Hell, even my pretty face doesn't always fit the bill. You have to keep your staff's motivation up, or else it'll be like trying to lead a crowd of zombies. Yeah, I'm talking about you lot and you can keep scowling at me as long as you want. Your teeth don't scare me, I lived in Britain for a long time.
Aaand the menacing shuffling begins. Okay, well, looks like I've got a little bit of crowd control to do here. Just remember, management isn't always pretty, but sometimes it's good to be the boss. Not the least when you have a very attractive secretary, one of those expensive rolly chairs and an office with a view. Hope you were paying attention to the lesson, because the invitation I've got says there's a boss battle coming up soon: oral and practical examination, you versus Marcy! But hey, if you need extra help, once I get through the dawn of the dead crew, I'll schedule some one-on-one reviews for anyone interested.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Cross Marian
Series: D.Gray-man
Character Age: Unknown, but probably 40-50
Job: Cabin Inspector
Canon: In a fictional 19th century, the world is terrorized by the Millennium Earl, a surprisingly cheery man who creates killing machines called Akuma in order to wipe out the human race. Opposing him is a Vatican-backed organization called the Black Order, whose soldiers are called Exorcists. Due to the nature of their weapons, Exorcists are few and far between. Generals are the strongest of the Exorcists, and Cross Marian is the strongest of the Generals, being the only one wielding two pieces of Innocence, a gun and a singing corpse named Maria.
Cross trained Allen Walker, the protagonist of the series. Although "training" may not be the right word, as between Cross's expensive tastes and general laziness he's racked up enough debt to cause trauma, and made Allen pay it off. Cross himself is very confident, knows far too much about everything, and rude enough to taunt the Earl. But he is certainly not without his reasons. In fact, everything he does has a reason-- he's far too lazy to do anything without one-- even if it's not always obvious. He can be eloquent when he's in a good mood, but when he's annoyed he can be blunt and sarcastic. Cross is horribly vain; messing up his clothes is a surefire way to piss him off. He can't stand kids and hates anything dirty (unless it's female), going as far as throwing his grimy apprentice impossible distances to get him the hell away. But Cross is a jerk with a heart of gold, and under the borderline abusive behavior he genuinely cares about his idiot apprentice, as well as a few others. Such as some of the ladies at the brothels he more frequently visits.
Sample Entry: Good morning, you stupid brats, I'm your new cabin inspector and I'm here to tell you how fucking filthy your cabin is. I think I'd take bleeding on the floor over this, I hate dealing with dirty kids-- I don't even want to go in past here. It looks like a zombie was rolling on the floor. Actually, I think he's still there. Maybe you shouldn't invite them to sleep over, eh? Clean this place up. Then when you're done you can clean my cabin, find me some proper wine, and find my idiot apprentice, I may need him. It'll build character for you. No, stop giving me that look or I'll throw you in the lake.
Oh, of course, none of that applies to you fine young ladies next door. My, if I had known you were here I would have come to this cabin first. I don't even notice the dust with a couple of your pretty faces in the room. But it's such a shame you girls are stuck next to a cabin of filthy boys-- tell you what, once the boys are finished you should come spend some time at my cabin. I'm sure I'd be much better company than they would, hmm? And better company for me. Not that I mind corpses, my best companion is a corpse, but hordes of undead girls after me really wasn't my idea of a vacation. Well, hordes of girls I'm used to, but they're a fair bit less charming when their faces are rotting off. They'd better not follow me here, I wouldn't want to scare you girls--
And speak of the devil. There they are, just as lovely as usual. Don't be frightened, ladies, you'll be perfectly safe with me around. If only organs weren't so hard to wash out of white shirts. Although I'd rather be a lot more on the drunk side to deal with this-- where are those brats with my wine? Oh, don't be worried about the boys getting hurt, girls, they're not worth much more than a diversion. With them around the zombies won't even think of coming after you, after all boys have more meat on them. As soon as they're back with my wine we'll send them out again to lead the zombies off. All you ladies and I have to do is wait, hmm?
... I think I'll go to back to bed after this.
Poll Vote!
As a note, be sure to check your HTML and formatting before you send in, guys! It's a good idea to post your app in a private LJ post before you send it off and make sure it comes out right. I had several formatting or coding errors to clean up this time around. . . . though the round is closed anyway so let's get to the voting eh
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. CLOSED WITH A SKINNY LINE
Character: Illyria
Series: Angel http://buffy.wikia.com/wiki/Angel_(series)
Character Age: Ancient
Job: Tentacle Wrangler
Canon: Angel is a television and comic book series about the world's angstiest vampire detective slash champion of good as he seeks redemption for the evil deeds of his past, as well as the lives of those around him as they help him help the helpless.
Illyria was an ancient demon god-king - that looked like a cross between an armored tank and an evil giant squid - from the time of the Old Ones when nightmares walked the earth. Resting in a sarcophagus for thousands of years, Illyria first appeared as the infectious dust that slowly killed Angel's friend and co-worker Fred. Now Illyria walks among humanity, wearing the hardened shell of the woman she killed and reminiscing about the good old days of giant armies and monster war. Illyria might not the scary pure demon she once was but she can still put her fist through your head when she's in a bad mood.
Sample Entry:
I see you waving your tentacles at me. I once had appendages like yours, long and sharp and deadly, and power to make mortals tremble. I was worshiped far and wide. Lower lifeforms trembled at the sound of my name across the world. Now I am locked in this shell, limited and weak, unable to bend time to my will or move through worlds.
I have come to deal with you, Marcy, to protect you from the small, insignificant creatures of this camp and them from you. I will do great violence on those who wish to harm you. Perhaps also on this who wish to have great violence done to them and those that displease me. I will protect your barn from the pathetic inhabitants of this earth and destroy them as they wish to destroy you. I will rend them from limb to limb as cleanly as an axe through bark if they so much as look at you with insolence!
I gladly await all challengers. They shall not best me! I will rule this piece of this farm like it were my ancient kingdom. I will be your champion and I will defend you the way humans defend their squalling, fattened, ugly spawn. I will make this barn my fortress and I will not rest as long as it stands undefeated!
I will fetch the finest craftsmen in all the land and they will make you as pure and beautiful a suit of armor as can be wrought with human hands! Let them marvel at how intimidating we are. The weakest of men will soil themselves as they gaze upon us in fear. They will speak of us in terrified whispers! Let them turn their fear from zombies, the most pitiful of all creatures, and fear only us.
This place reeks of rotting flesh and human misery. Its putrid inhabitants do war with each other merely from boredom and I can feel so much power coiled amongst them. They grow restless with the need to fight. They quarrel over meaningless subjects and their squabbles progress into senseless violence. Such fools! They will come to me, with their disputes devoid of any significance or reason, and I will dominate them! I think I'm going to like it here.
Poll Vote!
Character: Lara Croft
Series: Lara
Croft: Tomb Raider / Tomb
Raider: The Cradle of Life (movies)
Character Age: Not stated; game canon estimates go to 29/30.
Counselor Job: Rare Item Liberator
Canon: An adaptation from the long-standing series of
games, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider and its sequel focus upon the
adventures of the eponymous heroine, Lara, the not exactly ideal
successor of the aristocratic Croft family. While most aristocrats’
exploits stereotypically extend to horse-riding and taking tea, Lara
Croft prefers travelling to the far-off climes of the world, wandering
through dangerous temples, and stealing ancient and supernatural
artifacts. An excellent life choice all round.
Despite her heritage, Lara is no delicate lady. Trained in a variety
of martial arts and well versed in the skills of combat, she veers
more on the side of breaking someone’s nose than offering them
flattery. But this doesn’t mean she isn’t well bred - however damning
her opinion, she’ll be polite about it. And sarcastic. Extremely
intelligent, versed in a dozen languages, and quick to offer a quip,
she strives to stop life from getting dull. For all her talents, Lara
comes across as detached from others - orphaned, with only her butler
and tech support guy for company, Lara is brilliant but lonely; loyal,
and possessive. Harming her friends is a bad idea. Stealing from her
is far worse.
Sample Post:
Really. Is there any need for all of the grabbing? All this
fuss over one, tiny treasure chest. Honestly, Mr. Raaahrg, I feel I’ve
overestimated your sense of humour. Not to mention your attempts at
subterfuge. I’ll be quite honest with you, since I believe if I were
missing half of my brain, I would appreciate people being as direct as
possible: if I hadn’t allowed it, your henchmen would never have laid
hands on me at all. A note on that, just as an aside; there is a
reason gorillas originally had a dark coat. It was so they
couldn’t be seen from a hundred paces. Mr. Raaahrg, your security
operation is flawed. And in the spirit of honesty, your ear has just
fallen off.
Come along, now. It doesn’t matter how many brains you demand, you
won’t be able to replace your own. If you’ll stop gesticulating and
listen for a moment, I’ll tell you exactly why I’ve taken this
treasure chest from your Caves of Despair. Which, by the way, are
inappropriately named. I’ve seen a few caves in my life, enough to be
able to label them accurately. Your caves, if anything, are of
ankle-deep moss and curiously phallic monsters. Once again, your
security is poor. It’s disappointing, shall we say, when the most
threatening thing I encountered on my journey to find this chest was a
chicken. Though, kudos on that one. I didn’t quite expect so
much fun at the farm. However, despite your fowl army, taking
this was child’s play - as I believe you’d know, since no doubt
the children here do it all the time.
Here’s the point where you all remove your bedazzle-gloved hands. I
have no wish to keep what’s in the chest; my particular interests are
more esoteric. I’m sure you’ll get great use out of your wooden sword,
though I shan’t want to hear about it. Much to my discomfort, I did
this on someone else’s orders. Your Ms. Sayre was quite insistent. And
durable. Since I have been hired by her to ensure that every
individual in this camp learns to value what they own one way
or another, and it does appear to be my quickest way to a ticket out
of here ... I’m obliging her, for the time being. That means
liberating a few small trifles, now and then. And giving them back, if
they aren’t too interesting. I’m not a petty thief, you know.
All the same: gentlemen! Hold onto your hats. But trust me, you can
keep your noses.
Poll Vote!
Character: Giriko
Series: Soul Eater
Character Age: 800+
Job: Hedge-trimmer.
Canon: In Soul Eater, living weapons and the Meisters who wield them attend a school named Shibusen together. There they learn the value of friendship from a crackpot mentor who happens to be the personification of death - and occasionally, fight crime! One of the villains they run up against is Giriko. Though he appears to be a young delinquent, he's actually an Enchanter over 9000 800 years old. His golem-building skills have enabled him to extend his lifespan, as well as create constructs to wield him. For Giriko is, unusually for his world, a chainsaw without a Meister. Though he doesn't have a partner, his loyalty to the witch Arachne has been with him for thirty lifetimes, and he acts as one of her bodyguards and bully-boys.
When he's not enjoying slicing and dicing his enemies, or mastering his magic, Giriko is a bit of a lout. His colloquial speech and black sense of humour just emphasize his bad attitude. If he's not having fun, he tends to slack off and complain. He's barely ever seen without a bottle of booze, and though he seems to think he's a womaniser, he's mostly just a sleaze, with no compunctions about forcing pretty young ladies to do what he wants. Giriko loves to pick a fight, especially if it means he's rebelling against authority - whether that's the structured institution of Shibusen or an uptight ally. Either way, the chainsaw enjoys casual brawling just as much as a real fight that requires him to transform, and most of all he loves a challenge.
Sample Post:
Oi, stop crying, it's pissing me off. Just 'cause I've managed to land some shitty job here don't think I'm gonna start handing out balloons or candy like those fuckers in the white vans, y'know? I ain't interested in looking after any creepy blue-eyed brats, no matter how many secrets they think they know. Aw shit, stop it already, it can't hurt that badly. I guess I can tell you a joke if it'll make you shut the hell up.
Lemme think, lemme think... heh, the last joke I heard wouldn't mean shit to a kid like you. There's a lotta people here with a filthy sense of humor. Or just generally filthy. One chick - fuck, if she hadn't been falling apart at the seams I mighta been interested; I don't really find a lot of ladies who are into me for my brains. Those kinda women really get my motor running, if ya know what I mean.
Back during my interview, all the applicants thought they were so fucking funny. Couldn't move for the puns. Now you probably can't tell just looking at me, but I like a sharper kinda wit. Something with a little slice to it- shit, don't look scared, you loser, I ain't gonna cut you again. If I'm gonna threaten you, you'll know about it, right?
So what is there to drink around here, anyway? Nobody had better try and tell me I can't drink on the job: do I look like the kind of shithead who works hard and sticks to the rules? If you're going to hire me to come out to some crappy cornfield in the middle of nowhere, you'd better show me where they're turning it into bourbon, y'know? Yeah, to tell you the truth, I woulda preferred Texas; I've heard it's a place a chainsaw can really get comfortable. But I guess there's enough to dismember here that I'll be occupied for at least a little while.
I'm getting off track. I was gonna tell you a joke, right? Wait, wait, I've got one: What do you call a guy with no arms, no legs, and no tongue, in the middle of a summer camp? A good listener! Gyahahaha!
Poll Vote!
Character: Nagakura Shinpachi
Series: Hakuouki ~Shinsengumi Kitan~
Character Age: ~25
Job: Displayer of Six Packs
Canon: Yukimura Chizuru ran into one big problem when she went to Kyoto - vampire samurai. Not just normal samurai (as if these weren't abnormal enough), but Shinsengumi members, the police force of the era.Fortunately, she was saved by the normal Shinsengumi, and promptly collapsed. Next thing she knows, she's waking up at their headquarters, and despite a rough start, is slowly starting to become a useful and valued member of the organization. Hakuouki: Shinsengumi Kitan is an anime based on the Otome game series of the same name. Nagakura Shinpachi is one of the Shinsengumi that Chizuru meets.
Shinpachi is the captain of the second division of the Shinsengumi, and a master swordsman in his own right. He's the rougher sort, fun loving and laid back, insanely proud of himself and his body (particularly his muscles upon muscles) and his own abilities, and always the type to torment and tease his fellow Shinsengumi (but especially Heisuke.) He's the type to put a smile on almost anything, either because he's trying to cheer others up, or because he doesn't want to take it too seriously. He does know how to be responsible though, knowing his comrades and his men well enough to try to hold them back when necessary. Though, when Shinpachi gets riled up enough (which happens a fair amount, as he's so emotional), it's hard for anyone to hold him back. He's also a first class womanizer and alcoholic, often breaking the rules of the Shinsengumi in a form of protest, and sometimes... just because he wants to. But beyond all of that, he's as loyal as loyal can be, and cares about everyone in the group, unwilling to leave anyone behind.
Sample Entry:
Oi, oi, oi, everyone! Displayer of Six Packs, Nagakura Shinpachi, is here!
Not that I know what exactly that means, heh. I mean, the Shinsengumi have been called on to do a lot of things, you know. Some of them stranger than others. Not really sure what this one means exactly, but I won't let Kondou-san and Hijikata-san down! Let me just check my invitation from Miss Elizabeth again, huh? Hmm, what is it? Something about bodies and something about containers of booze..? Hmm... It's a good thing they sent me, then, haha! I got both of them covered. Don't believe me? Let me prove it to you!
There's nothing better than a well built body. I mean, I'd know more than anyone. I'll definitely show mine to everyone, all of it. My muscles have muscles from all my sword training, and yeah, I know you might be wondering why anyone'd need them in a place like this. Corn? Is dangerous. It's so dangerous, we don't even have it in Japan. So, you know, you gotta take your life, your sword, and your junk into your own hands and just go wild with it! Consider me, Shinpachi, your new role model in life! You know you wanna be healthy like this. You know you want to be built like this. Don't just sit there and let your life in this summer camp pass you by! You got cows you can wrestle! Or just ride, if you're into that kind of thing. I wouldn't steer you wrong.
As for the other part to my new job, well... don't tell anyone, but I do this drinking thing a lot. You gotta practice at something if you want to get good at it, right? And if I had to rank everyone in the Shinsengumi, the best is definitely me, and I'd dare someone here to do me better! The real part I'm confused about is why you'd only have six in a package, and why you'd keep them in metal containers. I, for one, can definitely handle a bigger package than that, and... well, if the lake animals can eat the containers... so can I. I'm not worried, and you shouldn't be either! So that's that!
I know everyone's down about stuff like not being able to escape, and all the wild stuff they got going on here, and yeah, it's tough, I bet. I've only been around for a few minutes and I already know there's stuff I don't like. That I'm away from my comrades and my friends! I mean, Saitou isn't even here for me to get sick on. And the plants keep trying to steal my headband, and nobody needs to see my hair like that, you know! Okay, the lady of the lake is pretty friendly though, but I know some people don't like that kinda thing... But you know, there's definitely a good side!
...
I mean, there's gotta be. And we're gonna find it. You, and me, and my six packs!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Selina Kyle (Catwoman)
Series: DC Universe
Age: Mid-twenties
Job: Gymnastics Instructor and Supplementary Pest Control
Canon: Gotham City: well known worldwide for its suspiciously high population of superheroes and/or villains. One never quite knows when the next explosion, kidnapping, or mass genocidal event may occur, and whether that Bat dude will step in and save the day, plus or minus a few incidental buildings.
Selina Kyle, more widely known by her alias of ‘Catwoman’, never quite fit the villain archetype in its entirety. Traumatic Events of her Youth led her to master martial arts and a bullwhip rather than finding a shrink. Said Events also spawned a decidedly non-furry identification and obsession with all things feline (and she’d prefer it if you refrained from asking how much of herself she licks clean- or else.) Her driving motivations are hedonism and self reliance. She considers murder beneath her, mayhem for the sake of mayhem uncouth; really, she’s mostly in the whole supervillain business to steal pretty, expensive things. Redemption? Blah. Revenge? Boring. What’s the use of prowling around rooftops in a skintight cat costume if you can’t have fun with it?
Sample Entry:
Inner monologue is feeling furious at the moment. Furious at that jackass who tipped me off about the mansion with the diamonds that doesn’t exist, and furious at myself for falling for it, because I should be smarter than that by now. But no, just the mention of a nine digit price tag and the thought of all the pretty new toys I could get with my cut of that-
And now I’m here with all these strangers and all these kids, which throws a girl a bit. The place is the size of a village, and some of these people just come off as classless. And I like class. And I’m supposed to teach them tumbling or something, but it’s not like they can force me to do that, right?
Well, the important thing is that I’ll be okay biding my time here while I figure out how to get past the invisible wall thing. Can’t be too tricky, can it? It’s not too bad here, all things considered. Bit quieter than Gotham. Bit of a break from the usual- and hey, despite the zombies and the fruit loop birds and the gorillas, there’s occasionally small, fluffy kittens, and they make my day. They’re bit excitable, though- and almost always in pairs. I need to ask around to see if I can get some milk suitable for the kittens.
Would it be too irresponsible of me to encourage the kids to construct a gem mine? Of course, this would have a primary goal of helping shape young, floppy physiques for the rigors of gymnastics. Not finding me sparkling things- that’s just a fringe benefit. Flaw in the plan is not knowing exactly where we are and if it’s somewhere gemstones are gonna be found, but I figure it can’t hurt to try, and worst case scenario I have the beginnings of an underground escape route built entirely by child sla-
It would promote teamwork, and I’m sure someone somewhere who isn’t me cares about that, and then I can make some friends to help me beat up the jerks who seem like they’re staring at my chest all the time. Is everyone’s brain that buried in the litter box? Not that I mind that much. But manners are so neglected, doncha think?
Poll Vote!
Character: Captain Jack Harkness
Series: Torchwood / Doctor Who
Character Age: Appears late 30s but... it's complicated. ~2000...something.
Job: Management trainer
Canon: Torchwood. Outside of the government, beyond the police and broadcasting in a late enough timeslot to embrace its status as the Darker And Edgier spin-off of Doctor Who. Like the bastard Welsh lovechild of Men in Black and Queer As Folk, Torchwood's small team of alien investigators in Cardiff fight the monsters of the week while screwing up their dysfunctional personal lives as much as possible, as bisexually as possible. Appropriately, this is done under the fearless leadership of Captain Jack Harkness, a man with a bit of a... reputation.
Charismatic, clever and a crack shot of an action man, the former time traveling con-man is known for charming the pants off of everyone he meets (sometimes literally, regardless of gender/sex/species/etc.). A turn as a sidekick to a certain Doctor left Jack with a very inconvenient conscience and a nasty case of immortality, though. The once carefree cad is now weighted down with a maturity born of much sorrow, more responsibility than any one person should be forced to handle and the ability to brood dramatically on top of tall buildings. Nevertheless, he still manages to look handsome, shoot his mouth off with admirable/stupid brashness, sleep with one of his hot employees and, sometimes, save the world.
Sample Entry:
All right, boys and girls, settle down, class is now in session. It seems like kind of a waste that we couldn't get some sort of "hot for teacher" thing going, but I guess that would clash with the "wholesome Middle America farming" theme. I dated a farmer's daughter once. Dairy farm. I've never felt as jealous of a bovine as I did watching her take care of those cows in the morning. For now, though, we're here to cover the... ah-hah, here's the polite invitation. "Upon reviewing your managerial experience, we have reluctantly hired you to arm these young bosses against the future. Cover the Basic Functions of Management listed below or else. Signed, The Management."
So let's do this. First management function on the list is... Planning. Yet another area in life where flexibility comes in handy. Best laid schemes, mice and men, et cetera. Sometimes the best plan in the world ends up being "Don't die." There's also that age-old stand-by of "Hang tight and hope for the best." I've used that one a lot.
Then, we have Organizing. I hate organizing. I hire people to do organizing. Speaking of which, function number three: Staffing. Conversely, this is my favorite. You are your people and your people are you, so know what the hell you're doing. Hire based on competency and never even consider for a moment things like how good they look in a suit until you know that they're the right person for the job. Also, double-check that they aren't hiding any killer robots in your office basement. No, really, just trust me on that one.
Number four on the list is a no-brainer, since Leading/Directing is kind of the point here. It's your responsibility to either know where you're all going, be really damn good at faking it or have your staff be able to trust that if you don't know, they should keep following you anyways. The power to make the final decisions rests in your hands, and if you aren't prepared to be a good boss rather than a popular one, then you should get your arse out of that cushy chair right now. If you get past that to our penultimate item, Controlling/Monitoring, just remember to keep it safe, sane and consensual, kids.
Finally, we have Motivation. Depending on where you're working, your pretty face might not be enough to make coming in each day worth it for your staff. Hell, even my pretty face doesn't always fit the bill. You have to keep your staff's motivation up, or else it'll be like trying to lead a crowd of zombies. Yeah, I'm talking about you lot and you can keep scowling at me as long as you want. Your teeth don't scare me, I lived in Britain for a long time.
Aaand the menacing shuffling begins. Okay, well, looks like I've got a little bit of crowd control to do here. Just remember, management isn't always pretty, but sometimes it's good to be the boss. Not the least when you have a very attractive secretary, one of those expensive rolly chairs and an office with a view. Hope you were paying attention to the lesson, because the invitation I've got says there's a boss battle coming up soon: oral and practical examination, you versus Marcy! But hey, if you need extra help, once I get through the dawn of the dead crew, I'll schedule some one-on-one reviews for anyone interested.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Cross Marian
Series: D.Gray-man
Character Age: Unknown, but probably 40-50
Job: Cabin Inspector
Canon: In a fictional 19th century, the world is terrorized by the Millennium Earl, a surprisingly cheery man who creates killing machines called Akuma in order to wipe out the human race. Opposing him is a Vatican-backed organization called the Black Order, whose soldiers are called Exorcists. Due to the nature of their weapons, Exorcists are few and far between. Generals are the strongest of the Exorcists, and Cross Marian is the strongest of the Generals, being the only one wielding two pieces of Innocence, a gun and a singing corpse named Maria.
Cross trained Allen Walker, the protagonist of the series. Although "training" may not be the right word, as between Cross's expensive tastes and general laziness he's racked up enough debt to cause trauma, and made Allen pay it off. Cross himself is very confident, knows far too much about everything, and rude enough to taunt the Earl. But he is certainly not without his reasons. In fact, everything he does has a reason-- he's far too lazy to do anything without one-- even if it's not always obvious. He can be eloquent when he's in a good mood, but when he's annoyed he can be blunt and sarcastic. Cross is horribly vain; messing up his clothes is a surefire way to piss him off. He can't stand kids and hates anything dirty (unless it's female), going as far as throwing his grimy apprentice impossible distances to get him the hell away. But Cross is a jerk with a heart of gold, and under the borderline abusive behavior he genuinely cares about his idiot apprentice, as well as a few others. Such as some of the ladies at the brothels he more frequently visits.
Sample Entry: Good morning, you stupid brats, I'm your new cabin inspector and I'm here to tell you how fucking filthy your cabin is. I think I'd take bleeding on the floor over this, I hate dealing with dirty kids-- I don't even want to go in past here. It looks like a zombie was rolling on the floor. Actually, I think he's still there. Maybe you shouldn't invite them to sleep over, eh? Clean this place up. Then when you're done you can clean my cabin, find me some proper wine, and find my idiot apprentice, I may need him. It'll build character for you. No, stop giving me that look or I'll throw you in the lake.
Oh, of course, none of that applies to you fine young ladies next door. My, if I had known you were here I would have come to this cabin first. I don't even notice the dust with a couple of your pretty faces in the room. But it's such a shame you girls are stuck next to a cabin of filthy boys-- tell you what, once the boys are finished you should come spend some time at my cabin. I'm sure I'd be much better company than they would, hmm? And better company for me. Not that I mind corpses, my best companion is a corpse, but hordes of undead girls after me really wasn't my idea of a vacation. Well, hordes of girls I'm used to, but they're a fair bit less charming when their faces are rotting off. They'd better not follow me here, I wouldn't want to scare you girls--
And speak of the devil. There they are, just as lovely as usual. Don't be frightened, ladies, you'll be perfectly safe with me around. If only organs weren't so hard to wash out of white shirts. Although I'd rather be a lot more on the drunk side to deal with this-- where are those brats with my wine? Oh, don't be worried about the boys getting hurt, girls, they're not worth much more than a diversion. With them around the zombies won't even think of coming after you, after all boys have more meat on them. As soon as they're back with my wine we'll send them out again to lead the zombies off. All you ladies and I have to do is wait, hmm?
... I think I'll go to back to bed after this.
Poll Vote!