(no subject)
I have "Kiss The Girl" in my head. I thought I'd share it with all of you. Shalalalalala.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Cougar
Series: Suikoden Tierkreis
Character Age: 23ish
Job: Friendly Understanding Righteously Rad Youth-worker (aka F.U.R.R.Y)
Canon: When the world is in great peril and you find yourself in need of 108 different characters to save it, you’re probably playing Suikoden. However, unlike past installments, Tierkries decides to add multiple world theory and world travel (via magical portals called Gates) into the mix. Trouble this time comes from an organization called the Order of the One True Way, who are hellbent on getting everyone to accept that the future is pre-determined and you can’t change it. Not too keen on this idea, a group of friends- with the help of a little power known as the Mark of the Stars- set out to gather together others with the same power as them, the 108 Stars of Destiny, and to finally bring an end to the Orders’ ways.
Originally from a tribe of beasts in another world known as the Tribe of the Furious Roar, Cougar finds himself popping out of one of those Gates and right into the conflict. Cougar is a man (... beast) who feels that when someone helps you out, you’ve got to do what you can to repay them. Having experience in being unfairly judged and attacked for just looking like a monster, he gets that you can't judge a book by its cover. Coming from such a close-knit tribe, Cougar warms up to new friends rather quickly, treating them like they could be family. When people aren't getting along, that just causes problems for everyone, which is something he feels won’t help anyone. All in all, Cougar is a great guy with a good sense of what's right and wrong, and someone who knows how and when to prove his loyalty by helping others.
Sample Entry:
So this is where I'll be staying, huh? With a name like this camp's got I was honestly expecting a whole different setting than this. This is nice, though. There's a welcoming feel to it once you get past that nasty looking monster on that large tower. Hey, but I'm probably the last person who should be calling anyone here a monster; just because everyone here looks a bit different doesn't mean they're monsters. I should really be watching what I say considering how much I owe Camp for taking me in on such short notice. I show up, and all they ask in return is that I get a job to pull my own weight. Before I could ask where to start looking they tell me they've got the perfect one for me. Okay, maybe I'm not clear on what a Friendly Understanding Righteously Rad Youth-worker exactly does, but from what I heard, all I gotta do is go out and help troubled youth. That's why they gave me you, though, huh? I appreciate someone who's been around Camp as much as you have helping me out, Gorilla. Just point me in the direction and I'll do what I can.
Slow down, you can't go pointing all over the place, now! I'm only one person and that's a whole lot of problems. You sure these are kids you're even pointing at? I know they're short and all, but that might be because neither of them have any legs. I get I said I was no good at my job and all, but I think I know a kid when I see one- Okay, there's no need to use physical force, I'm heading over on my own to sort this out.
Is there a problem here? Not that you guys gotta tell me anything, but I owe a lot to Camp for taking me in like this, and they gave me this job. I gotta be honest, I'm not all that skilled in being a... Friendly Understanding Righteously Rad Youth-worker? That was it, right? That's such a mouthful I'm never going to remember it. How about we shorten that down to something easier to remember... Let's settle on shortening it to F.U.R.R.Y; that works better for me. That's not as serious sounding, but it's a lot easier to remember. Like I said, I'm new at this, so all I can do is do my best. Never even heard of such a position until today, but I owe this camp and I'm gonna do what I can to repay it.
Lemme start by saying that from looking at you two, I gotta say you aren't the kind of kids I'm used to seeing. But hey, I'm not gonna judge you for that - and you guys shouldn't be judging each other, either. It doesn't matter that you're missing this arm and he's missing that one, you're both part of this camp, and that makes you a family. A lotta the people here don't have any real family, so we're all we've got. That means you gotta put aside all of this nonsense and start realizing there's more important things to be doing than fighting with each other. Stop flinging those animal droppings at each other and make up.
Got it? Good! I'm just glad I could help you is all. Maybe I won't make such a bad F.U.R.R.Y after all. Er, yeah, I can join in this hug if that's what you want.
Hey- Hugging is okay, but I draw the line at biting.
Poll Vote!
Character: Stephen Stills
Series: Scott Pilgrim series
Character Age: 23
Job: Performance Anxiety Counsellor
Rating: Captain Homo
Canon: Scott Pilgrim is just an ordinary dude living in Toronto, until he meets the mysterious Ramona Flowers. He thinks convincing her to even go out with him is going to be the challenge. Cue her seven evil exes! Scott must do battle with each of them in a ridiculous video game/comic book manner, while at the same time keeping Ramona interested, fending off vegans and his own evil ex, and maybe a Catholic school girl or two. He also has to remember to go to band practice once in a while. But it's okay, he has friendship and love and feelings and all that stuff!
Stephen Stills is one of those friends, but like most of Scott's acquaintances, deeply regrets associating with him. Introduced as “the Talent,” Stephen Stills is the frontman and guitarist for Sex Bob-omb. Dealing with Scott’s kind of crappy bass skills and their drummer Kim Pine’s relentless hate for all living things can take a lot out of an aspiring musician. Despite Stephen Stills’s obvious talent, he can still be extremely neurotic when faced with performing in front of large or important crowds. This man will fuss you to death. In completely stress-free environments, though, Stephen Stills is laconic and easy-going. Vegan superpowers won’t faze him, nor will the possible maiming of his best friend. But losing a gig or losing face musically is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to Stephen Stills. That doesn’t mean he won’t stand up for his friends when things get serious. Even if they’re being whiny bitches.
Sample Entry:
Okay. Camp Food. Weird name for an outdoor concert or whatever, but I can roll with it. I mean, my bassist only has three fingers and I’m pretty sure my drummer is using some kid’s thigh bones, but we can do this. There are tons of shitty bands here. Shittier bands. Not that we’re shitty. But we just got together three days ago, what do they want from us. Wait wait, does that band have a toucan for a drummer?! We can’t beat the Froot Loops mascot! Maybe like, the Honey Nut Cheerio bee, but not that freaking toucan!
This is going to be a disaster. We’re going to suck so hard the audience is going to rush the stage and beat us to death with our own instruments. There will be black hole of musical suckage the likes of which the world has never seen. And when I’m flipping burgers listening to Celine Dion medleys in Hell, some jackass is going to waltz through on some spirit quest or whatever, because my life is just that ridiculous. Augh, I can hear the endless bitching as people ordering their McShits get interrupted by the rainbow parade of crocodiles. Hell is going to suck. Oh God, maybe this is Hell. I’m going to be stuck playing in an endless wasteland of decaying corn. What if the corn is people! Augh, it suddenly makes so much sense! They turn people into corn so they can’t stop listening to our shitty music. They’re all ears!
Gotta keep it together, Stills. You can do this. No crying! I know we suck! I’m not going to vomit, SHUT UP! Get that barf bag away from me. Where did you even get that, there are no airlines here... So listen up. What we’re going to do is not vomit. We’re not going to cry. We’re going to rock this cow infested parking lot, and we’re going to rock it hard! Then we’re getting burritos! Camp Food, we are Grr Argle, and we’re here to make you think about ...brains! Count us in count us in!
Poll Vote!
Character: Nefer-Tina
Fandom: Mummies Alive!
Age: 3500-and-something. Physically, 20-something.
Job: Driving Instructor
Canon: About 3500 years ago in Ancient Egypt, the heir to the throne, Rapses, had four bodyguards, both to teach him and protect him until he became pharaoh. Unfortunately, this was not to be; the pharaoh’s own vizier murdered Rapses and his four guardians in a bid for the throne, after which the pharaoh entombed him alive for his crimes. Fast forward to the present, where a 13-year-old boy named Presley discovers that he has the spirit of the prince Rapses within him. This spirit holds the key to immortality, which makes him an attractive target, especially for the aforementioned vizier. To defend the soul of Rapses against the constant threat, his four guardians return - mummified, sporting various magical abilities and once again ready to give up their… unlives for the prince of Egypt.
In Ancient Egypt, Nefer-Tina was a racer of chariots, entering races disguised as a man to circumvent laws against women participating. Her skills impressed the pharaoh so much he took her on as his son’s combination teacher, chauffeur and guardian; it was only discovered she was in fact a woman after her death. Nefer-Tina is determined as hell, independent and gutsy. Her new life in the present, where she doesn’t need to fake being male, gives her a brand new lease on life (as it were), and she embraces everything about the New World with gusto - especially anything on wheels, and will try absolutely anything once. She’s chatty and high-spirited, friendly to virtually everyone she meets and takes great pride being able, as a woman, to do anything any man can do. Like all of the mummies, her speech can at times contain oddly formal words and expressions... and puns. Often in the same sentence.
(Note: ‘Horseless chariots’ are what the mummies call cars.)
Sample Post:
Okay, guys! Gather round and look closely - missing anything could kill you. Nobody wants that, right? I’d hate for you to add to the ranks of the dead; let me tell you, it’s not comfortable. So pay attention here, okay? This is a chariot, and it’s going to be your vehicle while I’m teaching you. I'd explain the parts, but you don't need to know them to learn to drive. I don't know how motorbikes work exactly, but by Ra do I know how to go fast on them and that's all that matters. And that’s what I’m here in this Camp of Fud to teach all of you. Maybe if you all drive fast enough, the tentacled beast on the tower yonder won’t be able to catch you. Our director simply wants to help you help yourselves to stay safe from…. Well, I don’t know what the Great Marcy does, but let’s not find out.
Before anyone asks, I requested a horseless chariot, and received an actual chariot with no horses. So I just had to improvise. I know they're the walking dead, but a bit of rope in all the right places and they’re just as good as horses. Two-legged, rotting horses. If anyone manages to catch two of the purple gorillas for me, though, you get first go on my new Chari-tut. After me, of course. We don’t have whips, either, so you’ll have to settle for the magic sticks you all have instead. I was using mine as a crowbar until about an hour ago; that was when I pressed something and the undead I was cinching in blew up…. Then his partner just started licking grey stuff off the axel, and that was gross…. You know what, don’t use the magic sticks. I just finished cleaning.
So until our director replies to my note or I make a gorilla trap, we’ll have to settle for going at a… shambling pace, just to get you all used to the chariot. We’ve got our, uh, steeds yoked in place, and we’re ready to get these horses moving. I don’t know how to drive the walking dead - I thought about dangling a steak in front of them, but you never know what else might start chasing it. So I’m going to use a rope as a sort of whip and see how it goes. Now watch closely, I’m just going to-
That didn’t go well. Okay, just remember, don’t wrap the rope around their necks, even by accident. Now, does anyone want to go get that head for me?
Poll Vote!
Character: Finnick Odair
Series: The Hunger Games
Character Age: 24
Job: Official Camp Eye Candy
Canon: *SPOILER WARNING* For the last 73 years Panem has had peace - thanks to reality TV. In order to keep anyone from putting a toe out of line, Panem’s government puts on the yearly Hunger Games, a televised fight to the death between teenagers selected by lottery. Only one can survive. But while to the public eye those victors become wealthy, famous, and sought after, fame in Panem isn’t all it’s knocked up to be. The first thing a victor learns is that the being at the Capitol’s mercy doesn’t end with the Games. It’s a lesson that Katniss and Peeta, the revolutionary winners of the 74th Games, will learn quickly.
And nobody learned it better than Finnick Odair, the most popular victor of them all. The golden boy of the District 4 fisheries, he was barely fourteen when he charmed and killed his way to the finish line. Ten years later, Finnick is even more devastatingly attractive, a notorious party boy well known to have cut a very wide swath through the beds of the Capitol. The deadly certainty with which he eliminated the competition in the arena seems mostly forgotten; he’s charming, glib, seductive and more than a little ridiculous, the perfect one night stand. But the Finnick Odair everyone in the country thinks they know is really a well-constructed front. Blackmailed with threats towards his family and friends, Finnick sleeps with whomever the President tells him to, for money and favors that Finnick never sees - and for secrets. The real Finnick Odair is still personable and flirtatious, but he’s also much more reserved and pragmatic. And close under the surface is a man holding his mind and his life together with little more than strength of will.
Sample:
You know, when I get landed with something like ‘Official Eye Candy’ I expect to have a few resources when it comes to getting attention. Otherwise I might have to get creative, and I like to save that for closing the deal. If the Director wants me to do a good job here she’s going to have to be a little more generous. No sex and no sugar? It’s like she doesn’t expect me to be any fun at all. Because I’m going to be honest, I don’t think even I can make this track suit look good. I should know. And to add insult to injury it has ‘CFUD’ written across the ass in bright green glitter. What was wrong with the old farm staple, overalls and a tan? But a good show is all about pandering to the audience. I’ll give them a little taste and see how it goes. Though after hearing them I’d do better to keep that sentiment to myself. I wouldn’t want to give them any bright ideas.
Hello, everyone. How are you doing? And what should I do with such an attentive crowd? Such a lively throng of- Ladies, please. I said throng, miss, although I appreciate the sentiment. It is difficult for people to keep their clothes on around me - I know, I set such a bad example. Here, have your garments back, you don’t want to wear yourself out right away. You’ll need your strength later, sweetheart.
First I need to take care of a special lady by the name of Marcy. Apparently she doesn’t get out much, and the Director would like her to get a treat. Still, if the two of them are close, maybe she can tell me something interesting about this place. It’s always easier to talk to a pretty face, and they never even notice. If I give them what they want, well, then after a while a wink might just send them all to pieces.
For the moment, though, they can just enjoy my exit before those wandering hands get the best of them. Rules are rules, and my new favorite is look but don’t touch. Starting a riot just now would be counter-productive. Now, Marcy... Marcy... Ah. That must be her waving away up on the tower. They weren’t lying when they said she’d need a big effort. I’m a hard man to shock but there are apparently a few kinks even the Capitol hasn’t thought of. She wants to take me over to the pond and- Well. Let’s just say she’s obviously heard that I’m magic under water.
Poll Vote!
Character: Mitsuko
Series: Leviathan
Character Age: early 20s
Job: Surgical Assistant
Canon: The distant future, the year 2000: the world is ravaged by war, causing refugees to flock to the relatively-peaceful Japan, and supernatural weirdness is running rampant. In response, the shaman Samizo Kouhei (who claims to be Leviathan, harbinger of the Apocalypse) sets up a psychic-surgery clinic where he and his doctor girlfriend take on cases where the supernatural and the medical intersect in gruesome ways. In the process, they often end up foiling the plans of the refugees, who, being foreign and all, are mostly evil.
There are exceptions, though -- like the Belgian refugee who calls herself Mitsuko. A hooker with a heart of snark by night, by day she's an assistant and general put-upon errand-girl for the protagonists. Her knowledge of medicine is pretty lacking, but she catches on quickly enough, and is a loyal, if sometimes brutally honest, friend. And while she may complain (a lot) about the bizarre events that surround her, in the end she's always willing to pitch in when an extra pair of hands -- or her witch powers -- are needed.
Sample Post:
I'm not sure I'm qualified for this job, but hey, I'll take what I can get. How hard can it be, anyway? I'll just stand here, and you let me know if you need the scalpel or the... tube thing, or the... what the hell is that, it looks like a torture device... uh, maybe you could just point. That might work best for both of us, since you don't seem too talkative. Well, that's okay, I like the strong, silent type. Though I've gotta admit that you're a bit hairy for my tastes. Hey, don't look at me like that -- a girl has to have some standards.
What are we even doing to this poor guy? He looks like he's beyond help, if you ask me, but then I'm not the doctor here. And what's with the red nose? Is he a clown, or is dressing up the patients after they're knocked out what passes for a joke around here? ... Oh, it's attached. Well, I guess that's not the weirdest thing I've ever seen growing from a human body -- don't ask about that, you don't want to know, trust me.
Right, so this file says we're removing his... funny bone? That can't be right, can it? I may not have been to med school, but I think I know a figure of speech when I hear one. And anyway, don't people generally need all their bones? I mean, organs are one thing -- you wouldn't believe what I've seen some people do without organs -- but without bones, wouldn't he just kinda flop around? The file doesn't even say why we're supposed to take the thing out. So do you feel like explaining, or are you just going to keep sitting there and poking the patient with tweezers?
Look, I really think it's rude of you not to answer any of my questions. Just because I'm a witch doesn't mean I'm a mind-reader, you know. I'm more in the voodoo-doll line, really. Which is something I'd like for you to keep in mind when I ask you to tell me, truthfully, whether you're even a doctor at all.
... Okay, word of friendly advice, here. Next time you want to forge a diploma? Don't do it in crayon.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Cougar
Series: Suikoden Tierkreis
Character Age: 23ish
Job: Friendly Understanding Righteously Rad Youth-worker (aka F.U.R.R.Y)
Canon: When the world is in great peril and you find yourself in need of 108 different characters to save it, you’re probably playing Suikoden. However, unlike past installments, Tierkries decides to add multiple world theory and world travel (via magical portals called Gates) into the mix. Trouble this time comes from an organization called the Order of the One True Way, who are hellbent on getting everyone to accept that the future is pre-determined and you can’t change it. Not too keen on this idea, a group of friends- with the help of a little power known as the Mark of the Stars- set out to gather together others with the same power as them, the 108 Stars of Destiny, and to finally bring an end to the Orders’ ways.
Originally from a tribe of beasts in another world known as the Tribe of the Furious Roar, Cougar finds himself popping out of one of those Gates and right into the conflict. Cougar is a man (... beast) who feels that when someone helps you out, you’ve got to do what you can to repay them. Having experience in being unfairly judged and attacked for just looking like a monster, he gets that you can't judge a book by its cover. Coming from such a close-knit tribe, Cougar warms up to new friends rather quickly, treating them like they could be family. When people aren't getting along, that just causes problems for everyone, which is something he feels won’t help anyone. All in all, Cougar is a great guy with a good sense of what's right and wrong, and someone who knows how and when to prove his loyalty by helping others.
Sample Entry:
So this is where I'll be staying, huh? With a name like this camp's got I was honestly expecting a whole different setting than this. This is nice, though. There's a welcoming feel to it once you get past that nasty looking monster on that large tower. Hey, but I'm probably the last person who should be calling anyone here a monster; just because everyone here looks a bit different doesn't mean they're monsters. I should really be watching what I say considering how much I owe Camp for taking me in on such short notice. I show up, and all they ask in return is that I get a job to pull my own weight. Before I could ask where to start looking they tell me they've got the perfect one for me. Okay, maybe I'm not clear on what a Friendly Understanding Righteously Rad Youth-worker exactly does, but from what I heard, all I gotta do is go out and help troubled youth. That's why they gave me you, though, huh? I appreciate someone who's been around Camp as much as you have helping me out, Gorilla. Just point me in the direction and I'll do what I can.
Slow down, you can't go pointing all over the place, now! I'm only one person and that's a whole lot of problems. You sure these are kids you're even pointing at? I know they're short and all, but that might be because neither of them have any legs. I get I said I was no good at my job and all, but I think I know a kid when I see one- Okay, there's no need to use physical force, I'm heading over on my own to sort this out.
Is there a problem here? Not that you guys gotta tell me anything, but I owe a lot to Camp for taking me in like this, and they gave me this job. I gotta be honest, I'm not all that skilled in being a... Friendly Understanding Righteously Rad Youth-worker? That was it, right? That's such a mouthful I'm never going to remember it. How about we shorten that down to something easier to remember... Let's settle on shortening it to F.U.R.R.Y; that works better for me. That's not as serious sounding, but it's a lot easier to remember. Like I said, I'm new at this, so all I can do is do my best. Never even heard of such a position until today, but I owe this camp and I'm gonna do what I can to repay it.
Lemme start by saying that from looking at you two, I gotta say you aren't the kind of kids I'm used to seeing. But hey, I'm not gonna judge you for that - and you guys shouldn't be judging each other, either. It doesn't matter that you're missing this arm and he's missing that one, you're both part of this camp, and that makes you a family. A lotta the people here don't have any real family, so we're all we've got. That means you gotta put aside all of this nonsense and start realizing there's more important things to be doing than fighting with each other. Stop flinging those animal droppings at each other and make up.
Got it? Good! I'm just glad I could help you is all. Maybe I won't make such a bad F.U.R.R.Y after all. Er, yeah, I can join in this hug if that's what you want.
Hey- Hugging is okay, but I draw the line at biting.
Poll Vote!
Character: Stephen Stills
Series: Scott Pilgrim series
Character Age: 23
Job: Performance Anxiety Counsellor
Rating: Captain Homo
Canon: Scott Pilgrim is just an ordinary dude living in Toronto, until he meets the mysterious Ramona Flowers. He thinks convincing her to even go out with him is going to be the challenge. Cue her seven evil exes! Scott must do battle with each of them in a ridiculous video game/comic book manner, while at the same time keeping Ramona interested, fending off vegans and his own evil ex, and maybe a Catholic school girl or two. He also has to remember to go to band practice once in a while. But it's okay, he has friendship and love and feelings and all that stuff!
Stephen Stills is one of those friends, but like most of Scott's acquaintances, deeply regrets associating with him. Introduced as “the Talent,” Stephen Stills is the frontman and guitarist for Sex Bob-omb. Dealing with Scott’s kind of crappy bass skills and their drummer Kim Pine’s relentless hate for all living things can take a lot out of an aspiring musician. Despite Stephen Stills’s obvious talent, he can still be extremely neurotic when faced with performing in front of large or important crowds. This man will fuss you to death. In completely stress-free environments, though, Stephen Stills is laconic and easy-going. Vegan superpowers won’t faze him, nor will the possible maiming of his best friend. But losing a gig or losing face musically is probably the worst thing that could ever happen to Stephen Stills. That doesn’t mean he won’t stand up for his friends when things get serious. Even if they’re being whiny bitches.
Sample Entry:
Okay. Camp Food. Weird name for an outdoor concert or whatever, but I can roll with it. I mean, my bassist only has three fingers and I’m pretty sure my drummer is using some kid’s thigh bones, but we can do this. There are tons of shitty bands here. Shittier bands. Not that we’re shitty. But we just got together three days ago, what do they want from us. Wait wait, does that band have a toucan for a drummer?! We can’t beat the Froot Loops mascot! Maybe like, the Honey Nut Cheerio bee, but not that freaking toucan!
This is going to be a disaster. We’re going to suck so hard the audience is going to rush the stage and beat us to death with our own instruments. There will be black hole of musical suckage the likes of which the world has never seen. And when I’m flipping burgers listening to Celine Dion medleys in Hell, some jackass is going to waltz through on some spirit quest or whatever, because my life is just that ridiculous. Augh, I can hear the endless bitching as people ordering their McShits get interrupted by the rainbow parade of crocodiles. Hell is going to suck. Oh God, maybe this is Hell. I’m going to be stuck playing in an endless wasteland of decaying corn. What if the corn is people! Augh, it suddenly makes so much sense! They turn people into corn so they can’t stop listening to our shitty music. They’re all ears!
Gotta keep it together, Stills. You can do this. No crying! I know we suck! I’m not going to vomit, SHUT UP! Get that barf bag away from me. Where did you even get that, there are no airlines here... So listen up. What we’re going to do is not vomit. We’re not going to cry. We’re going to rock this cow infested parking lot, and we’re going to rock it hard! Then we’re getting burritos! Camp Food, we are Grr Argle, and we’re here to make you think about ...brains! Count us in count us in!
Poll Vote!
Character: Nefer-Tina
Fandom: Mummies Alive!
Age: 3500-and-something. Physically, 20-something.
Job: Driving Instructor
Canon: About 3500 years ago in Ancient Egypt, the heir to the throne, Rapses, had four bodyguards, both to teach him and protect him until he became pharaoh. Unfortunately, this was not to be; the pharaoh’s own vizier murdered Rapses and his four guardians in a bid for the throne, after which the pharaoh entombed him alive for his crimes. Fast forward to the present, where a 13-year-old boy named Presley discovers that he has the spirit of the prince Rapses within him. This spirit holds the key to immortality, which makes him an attractive target, especially for the aforementioned vizier. To defend the soul of Rapses against the constant threat, his four guardians return - mummified, sporting various magical abilities and once again ready to give up their… unlives for the prince of Egypt.
In Ancient Egypt, Nefer-Tina was a racer of chariots, entering races disguised as a man to circumvent laws against women participating. Her skills impressed the pharaoh so much he took her on as his son’s combination teacher, chauffeur and guardian; it was only discovered she was in fact a woman after her death. Nefer-Tina is determined as hell, independent and gutsy. Her new life in the present, where she doesn’t need to fake being male, gives her a brand new lease on life (as it were), and she embraces everything about the New World with gusto - especially anything on wheels, and will try absolutely anything once. She’s chatty and high-spirited, friendly to virtually everyone she meets and takes great pride being able, as a woman, to do anything any man can do. Like all of the mummies, her speech can at times contain oddly formal words and expressions... and puns. Often in the same sentence.
(Note: ‘Horseless chariots’ are what the mummies call cars.)
Sample Post:
Okay, guys! Gather round and look closely - missing anything could kill you. Nobody wants that, right? I’d hate for you to add to the ranks of the dead; let me tell you, it’s not comfortable. So pay attention here, okay? This is a chariot, and it’s going to be your vehicle while I’m teaching you. I'd explain the parts, but you don't need to know them to learn to drive. I don't know how motorbikes work exactly, but by Ra do I know how to go fast on them and that's all that matters. And that’s what I’m here in this Camp of Fud to teach all of you. Maybe if you all drive fast enough, the tentacled beast on the tower yonder won’t be able to catch you. Our director simply wants to help you help yourselves to stay safe from…. Well, I don’t know what the Great Marcy does, but let’s not find out.
Before anyone asks, I requested a horseless chariot, and received an actual chariot with no horses. So I just had to improvise. I know they're the walking dead, but a bit of rope in all the right places and they’re just as good as horses. Two-legged, rotting horses. If anyone manages to catch two of the purple gorillas for me, though, you get first go on my new Chari-tut. After me, of course. We don’t have whips, either, so you’ll have to settle for the magic sticks you all have instead. I was using mine as a crowbar until about an hour ago; that was when I pressed something and the undead I was cinching in blew up…. Then his partner just started licking grey stuff off the axel, and that was gross…. You know what, don’t use the magic sticks. I just finished cleaning.
So until our director replies to my note or I make a gorilla trap, we’ll have to settle for going at a… shambling pace, just to get you all used to the chariot. We’ve got our, uh, steeds yoked in place, and we’re ready to get these horses moving. I don’t know how to drive the walking dead - I thought about dangling a steak in front of them, but you never know what else might start chasing it. So I’m going to use a rope as a sort of whip and see how it goes. Now watch closely, I’m just going to-
That didn’t go well. Okay, just remember, don’t wrap the rope around their necks, even by accident. Now, does anyone want to go get that head for me?
Poll Vote!
Character: Finnick Odair
Series: The Hunger Games
Character Age: 24
Job: Official Camp Eye Candy
Canon: *SPOILER WARNING* For the last 73 years Panem has had peace - thanks to reality TV. In order to keep anyone from putting a toe out of line, Panem’s government puts on the yearly Hunger Games, a televised fight to the death between teenagers selected by lottery. Only one can survive. But while to the public eye those victors become wealthy, famous, and sought after, fame in Panem isn’t all it’s knocked up to be. The first thing a victor learns is that the being at the Capitol’s mercy doesn’t end with the Games. It’s a lesson that Katniss and Peeta, the revolutionary winners of the 74th Games, will learn quickly.
And nobody learned it better than Finnick Odair, the most popular victor of them all. The golden boy of the District 4 fisheries, he was barely fourteen when he charmed and killed his way to the finish line. Ten years later, Finnick is even more devastatingly attractive, a notorious party boy well known to have cut a very wide swath through the beds of the Capitol. The deadly certainty with which he eliminated the competition in the arena seems mostly forgotten; he’s charming, glib, seductive and more than a little ridiculous, the perfect one night stand. But the Finnick Odair everyone in the country thinks they know is really a well-constructed front. Blackmailed with threats towards his family and friends, Finnick sleeps with whomever the President tells him to, for money and favors that Finnick never sees - and for secrets. The real Finnick Odair is still personable and flirtatious, but he’s also much more reserved and pragmatic. And close under the surface is a man holding his mind and his life together with little more than strength of will.
Sample:
You know, when I get landed with something like ‘Official Eye Candy’ I expect to have a few resources when it comes to getting attention. Otherwise I might have to get creative, and I like to save that for closing the deal. If the Director wants me to do a good job here she’s going to have to be a little more generous. No sex and no sugar? It’s like she doesn’t expect me to be any fun at all. Because I’m going to be honest, I don’t think even I can make this track suit look good. I should know. And to add insult to injury it has ‘CFUD’ written across the ass in bright green glitter. What was wrong with the old farm staple, overalls and a tan? But a good show is all about pandering to the audience. I’ll give them a little taste and see how it goes. Though after hearing them I’d do better to keep that sentiment to myself. I wouldn’t want to give them any bright ideas.
Hello, everyone. How are you doing? And what should I do with such an attentive crowd? Such a lively throng of- Ladies, please. I said throng, miss, although I appreciate the sentiment. It is difficult for people to keep their clothes on around me - I know, I set such a bad example. Here, have your garments back, you don’t want to wear yourself out right away. You’ll need your strength later, sweetheart.
First I need to take care of a special lady by the name of Marcy. Apparently she doesn’t get out much, and the Director would like her to get a treat. Still, if the two of them are close, maybe she can tell me something interesting about this place. It’s always easier to talk to a pretty face, and they never even notice. If I give them what they want, well, then after a while a wink might just send them all to pieces.
For the moment, though, they can just enjoy my exit before those wandering hands get the best of them. Rules are rules, and my new favorite is look but don’t touch. Starting a riot just now would be counter-productive. Now, Marcy... Marcy... Ah. That must be her waving away up on the tower. They weren’t lying when they said she’d need a big effort. I’m a hard man to shock but there are apparently a few kinks even the Capitol hasn’t thought of. She wants to take me over to the pond and- Well. Let’s just say she’s obviously heard that I’m magic under water.
Poll Vote!
Character: Mitsuko
Series: Leviathan
Character Age: early 20s
Job: Surgical Assistant
Canon: The distant future, the year 2000: the world is ravaged by war, causing refugees to flock to the relatively-peaceful Japan, and supernatural weirdness is running rampant. In response, the shaman Samizo Kouhei (who claims to be Leviathan, harbinger of the Apocalypse) sets up a psychic-surgery clinic where he and his doctor girlfriend take on cases where the supernatural and the medical intersect in gruesome ways. In the process, they often end up foiling the plans of the refugees, who, being foreign and all, are mostly evil.
There are exceptions, though -- like the Belgian refugee who calls herself Mitsuko. A hooker with a heart of snark by night, by day she's an assistant and general put-upon errand-girl for the protagonists. Her knowledge of medicine is pretty lacking, but she catches on quickly enough, and is a loyal, if sometimes brutally honest, friend. And while she may complain (a lot) about the bizarre events that surround her, in the end she's always willing to pitch in when an extra pair of hands -- or her witch powers -- are needed.
Sample Post:
I'm not sure I'm qualified for this job, but hey, I'll take what I can get. How hard can it be, anyway? I'll just stand here, and you let me know if you need the scalpel or the... tube thing, or the... what the hell is that, it looks like a torture device... uh, maybe you could just point. That might work best for both of us, since you don't seem too talkative. Well, that's okay, I like the strong, silent type. Though I've gotta admit that you're a bit hairy for my tastes. Hey, don't look at me like that -- a girl has to have some standards.
What are we even doing to this poor guy? He looks like he's beyond help, if you ask me, but then I'm not the doctor here. And what's with the red nose? Is he a clown, or is dressing up the patients after they're knocked out what passes for a joke around here? ... Oh, it's attached. Well, I guess that's not the weirdest thing I've ever seen growing from a human body -- don't ask about that, you don't want to know, trust me.
Right, so this file says we're removing his... funny bone? That can't be right, can it? I may not have been to med school, but I think I know a figure of speech when I hear one. And anyway, don't people generally need all their bones? I mean, organs are one thing -- you wouldn't believe what I've seen some people do without organs -- but without bones, wouldn't he just kinda flop around? The file doesn't even say why we're supposed to take the thing out. So do you feel like explaining, or are you just going to keep sitting there and poking the patient with tweezers?
Look, I really think it's rude of you not to answer any of my questions. Just because I'm a witch doesn't mean I'm a mind-reader, you know. I'm more in the voodoo-doll line, really. Which is something I'd like for you to keep in mind when I ask you to tell me, truthfully, whether you're even a doctor at all.
... Okay, word of friendly advice, here. Next time you want to forge a diploma? Don't do it in crayon.
Poll Vote!