(no subject)
Okay, okay, let's have the actual first round now. You guys know the drill by now!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Santana Lopez
Series: Glee
Character Age: 17
Canon: At McKinley High School, status means everything. Being a cheerleader means someone is on top … and being someone who sings Broadway songs and dances on a stage like an idiot means you’re definitely on bottom. That doesn’t keep the Glee Club from taking funds from the nationals-winning cheerleading squad called the Cheerios to support their struggle to make it to the top of the musical world-even if they can’t manage that in school itself. The coach of the cheerleaders sends several of her Cheerios into the club to try and keep them knocked down a few pegs. What she didn’t expect was them eventually defecting to the club as they find love, acceptance, and a chance to shine.
Even though she loves Glee club, Santana is probably the most negative member. She makes herself out to be rougher around the edges than she actually is, and she enjoys having the power to instill fear in others. She claims to think everybody sucks around her, and doesn’t hold back on telling them as much-and her method is generally done with colorful insults. These insults are generally regarded as the truth, and no one can say otherwise. But underneath all that is a scared and confused girl struggling with her sexuality. Much of her bullying is due to this, and she makes it a point to make others just as miserable as she is. After all, it seems like she can’t take it when the insults are dished back at her. The thing is, she’s afraid of being judged by other homophobic students, and she doesn’t want to tarnish her image. So she keeps up with the insults, and doesn’t stop at tearing down anyone in her way-even her boyfriend-to keep feeling like she’s on top.
Note: Santana is being apped after 2x16, “Original Song.” Also, her favorite restaurant is an Italian place called Breadstix.
Sample Post:
Oh, I definitely didn’t sign up for letting a bunch of mouth-breathers who just climbed out of a septic tank get up in my face. I wasn’t expecting much from even-more-rural America, but that’s just offensive. I mean, I knew I made a mistake when I signed up for charity work, but they promised me a lifetime of free sticks if I offered my talents at keeping it real-and ain’t nothin’ gonna stop me when I wants me some sticks. It’s like, I was expecting confused undersexed band geeks who get their jollies off on drumsticks-not a bad idea, by the way. Gotta get it from somewhere. But instead? I got overeager reptiles cloned from Charlie Sheen’s DNA. Well, if I’ve just gotta tell you how lame you really are and make sure you get it? Then my job’s the easy one.
So let’s be honest. You all suck, and the only future you have is extras’ work in the next Syfy made-for-TV movie about the zombie apocalypse. What, you wanted a spot on The Walking Dead? Please. Just keep moaning in anguish at the lost stardom, meaningful close-ups, and oh-that’s right, brains. Come on, give it up because no one’s gonna be ready to give theirs up-or give up anything to you. You don’t got anything going for you. I’m an expert in dealing with the loserly and hopeless, so I know. But I don’t gotta get down and dirty with you to know what’s missing-or how fast everything’s gonna fall off and get stuck before you even try. This is how it is: the only difference between you and most breathing idiots? Is the lung use.
Still confused? Stop flapping your already broken jaws and listen to me. I didn’t come here to hear the pitiful sob stories that belong on Days of Our Deceased. It’s like you think you’re growing on me the more I keep going. Stop getting louder, stop getting confident, and check this: I wasn’t looking to be inspiring. None of you can ever live up to my image. Sure, some losers make it in life without anything-looks, talent, or even how to use a bar of soap-but don’t go taking inspiration from James Van Der Botox’s recent rise to stardom as the front man in a Ke$ha vid. Smelling like three-week-old rotten fish won’t even land you a spot on America’s Got Talent. The only thing you might get is a PSA as a helpful reminder of the importance of good hygiene. But don’t get your hopes up-a scrub in the tub with a cute yellow ducky won’t even begin to help your problems.
Look, I’m tired, so just look disappointed so I can call it a day and get the Hell out of here. Your life isn’t gonna be some Lifetime Original about how you tried to overcome your disability-and failed. The longer I stay here, the more I’m afraid that once I get some of those delectable breadsticks on my plate, all I’m gonna be seeing is brains. And I didn’t sign up for any reality-based horror stories.
Poll Vote!
Character: Chris D'Amico / Red Mist
Series: Kick-Ass (movie)
Age: ~18
Canon: Why hasn't anyone ever actually tried to be a superhero? That's the question that Dave Lizewski finds himself asking in the movie Kick-Ass, and the answer he comes to is - well, why the hell not? And so, after donning a wetsuit (and a false start that resulted in an epic ass-kicking, which then "gifted" Dave with dulled nerves that enabled him to withstand pain), Dave takes up the name "Kick-Ass" and fights crime on the streets, making it his duty to help people. As he becomes an internet sensation and grows in popularity, he befriends two fellow superheroes: Hit-Girl and Big Daddy, who have been slowly picking off crime boss Frank D'Amico's blooming drug enterprise. Needless to say? Frank D'Amico isn't too pleased with the sudden superhero boom.
Fortunately, he has his son - Chris D'Amico. "Spoiled" is one word that could be used to describe him; "nerd" would be a tad more apt. Chris initially comes off as your average teenage boy would: somewhat foul-mouthed (albeit not nearly as much as Hit-Girl), snarky, pop culture and comic savvy, and all-in-all? Kind of obnoxious. As the son of a crime lord, he's had everything handed to him, but what he wants most from his father and from others is genuine respect. So when the opportunity presents itself, Chris gladly offers to assume the role of a fellow superhero, "Red Mist," and draw Kick-Ass into a trap. Through this ploy, Chris reveals that he isn't just Daddy's spoiled little child. While he may not be physically gifted, he's ridiculously clever and excels at putting his comic book knowledge to good use. But at the same time, he also shows another side to himself - a lonely, awkward kid who genuinely enjoys hanging out with another guy dressed up in a ridiculous costume. When he’s away from his father (as well as his influence), Chris is just a nerdy kid who wants to geek out and, well, be awesome with his fellow nerds.
Note: Chris is being pulled from before the final showdown in the movie.
Sample Post:
. . . jesus christ, did you guys do any research? I get that the whole "dressing up like a superhero" thing has become a fad that's spreading like wildfire and crossing over into other genres everywhere, but seriously, what the hell! If you’re going to try to act like zombies? Actually act like zombies. I'm not talking about the bullshit that Hollywood is spitting out these days, either, with Zombieland or whatever Resident Evil bastardization they’re shoving out. Pick up some Kirkman - The Walking Dead? - and actually read it. You could learn a thing or two about actually appearing to be threatening. The shambling about and begging for brains are hardly convincing, although I'll give you this: the prop hands are a decent touch. Heh, touch, did you- nevermind.
Look, whatever. If you really want some more tips or something, we can look them up on the internet. The reputable websites - none of that Wikipedia bullshit. But what I actually need right now is for you to break character for five seconds and tell me more about where the hell I am. I’ve been getting mixed messages all day, so I'd like some clarity. When my dad suggested summer camp, I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. I mean, it has internet, so - cool, it's not going to totally suck. Come on, though. Camp Fuck You Die? Ignoring the obvious nitpick there, where the hell is comma? Are they just telling me to fuck off and die, or if I actually fuck, am I going to die? - hey! That’s an actual scenario, all right? Shut up and stop rolling those goddamn fake prop eyes out of your plastic head, I’m being serious here!
Shit, wait . . . don’t tell me. I heard something earlier about the director of this place, but I didn't actually think it held any water. You know, the stories about her keeping people here? The dead fiance that's actually still alive? And the crazy shit about all the people she keeps here and what goes on? It seemed too out there for me, and I read Marvel. But now that I look at you guys - you're her minions, aren’t you? I keep asking you questions, and all you do is play dumb with your pseudo-zombie act that allows you to evade questions easily while trying to unnerve me with your constant pawing in the general direction of my head. That’s what’s going on, isn't it?
It's too bad that you guys completely fail at it. Look at you! It's like everything I said earlier and then some. How does this woman actually expect herself to be taken seriously as a supervillain when she can't even maintain a reasonable level of credibility with her minions? This is totally lame. Listen, if your boss ever wants to pass beyond the bottom rung of supervillains and get even remotely close to the top of that ladder, she needs to start by not being a cheap asshole and shell out for better henchmen. Who the hell would actually buy you guys as zombies? The only thing you guys really have going for you, aside from a prop or two, is the simulated rotting flesh smell, but let me tell you: missing a week's worth of showers doesn’t exactly make you zombie-esque. It just makes you pretty goddamn gross.
God. Fucking wannabes.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kiriu Touya aka. Iai Banchou
Series: Kongou Banchou
Character Age: 16
Canon: The 23 District Project assembles twenty-three volunteers with superhuman abilities to fight for control of Japan. Each participant is given control of one of the districts of Tokyo, and given the title of “banchou”; they are now responsible for challenging and defeating the other banchou for control of their districts. It’s a dangerous competition, but any dreams or goals one has could be easily accomplished by having control of an entire country.
Enter Iai Banchou, master of Kiriu-Style iaijutsu (the art of sword drawing). Honourable, cultured and disciplined, the master swordsman has a very old-fashioned Japanese soul. His reason for taking part in the Project is to re-shape Japan and return society to the old ways; to shun societal decay and Western influence, to a time when the Japanese had their hearts shaken by the beauty of nature. However, Iai Banchou is easily shaken by girls showing skin - he gets embarrassed, blushes, and his nose bleeds. His chastity is his weakness, and he insists on women covering themselves up, including the bare legs of a girl in her school uniform skirt.
Sample Post:
I assume this is Tentacle Banchou’s special arena? I was expecting something more like an aquarium, or perhaps by the sea, but being prepared for anything is nothing for a banchou. And you, I take it, are Tentacle Banchou’s underlings? Such horrific aesthetics are typical of America. Zombies are very popular here, are they not? The American moe - the rotting deceased. How distasteful, though I will compliment the effort put into your makeup and costumes. But know this - challenging me is the biggest mistake you’ve made in your... post-life.
I was under the impression that the 23 District Project was to take place within Tokyo; perhaps the government wanted to add a bit more of an international flavour to the competition. This is my first time out of the country, and it is a shame I cannot enjoy the… endless cornfield scenery. There is a peaceful feel to it, of course - farms are where people work hard in harmony with the land. However, the robot cows are simply a perversion of nature! I understand North Americans enjoy their milk products, but was the demand such that only a machine can keep up? And the gorillas - I thought they belonged in zoos, not farms. Is this place an elaborate joke I am not understanding? A very disturbing joke, judging by the incredibly lewd way they were handling that boy. I suppose this is less punishment than American airport customs, though I have no idea how I managed to cross the Pacific. I don’t even have a passport…
Regardless, this venture will be swift, so I may return before I’m subjected to any more of this depraved humour. Ah, but before we start - miss, I must insist you cover your legs more. It’s not the disturbingly realistic lacerations or rot, but I... n-no, don’t show me your thighs! Do not continue such - aaahhhh!!! Enough! I wasn’t intending on defeating you before, but I cannot tolerate such... behavior! It would be wise to re-attach your ears and listen properly this time: I, Iai Banchou, have been sent to defeat Tentacle Banchou of the… ah… my English is not very good. Cee-eff-you-dee... I assume you can’t even understand my Japanese, let alone hear me, but it doesn’t matter! This farce comes to an end, now!
I’ll deliver my message to her myself: Tentacle Banchou of the Cee-Food District, prepare to be served!
Poll Vote!
Character: Rainbow Dash
Series: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Age: pony
Canon: The title isn't keeping any secrets, folks. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is a surprisingly addictive children's show about tiny equines who discover the joy of interpersonal relationships. The "mane" character is Twilight Sparkle, a bookish unicorn who nevertheless manages to collect a group of best buds who happen to represent the ~elements of harmony~. At least, they do for an episode.
In theory, Rainbow Dash's most representative trait is loyalty. And it's true, she'd never leave a friend hanging. She just might need a few good kicks before she pulls herself out of her egomaniacal daydreams and realizes that somepony else needs her help. Left to her own devices, Rainbow is a cocky daredevil with a tendency towards bragging, boasting, and occasionally bending the rules. After all, she is the self-proclaimed best flier in all of Equestria. This sometimes leads to her biting off more than she can chew, and her bad girl bravado has been known to crack under the pressure when she realizes she's in over her head. But if it's for a pal, she'll nerve herself back up and get the job done, whether it's fighting off the monster of the week or performing the legendary Sonic Rainboom. After all, like most ponies, Rainbow doesn't take anything but friendship too seriously in the long run. ...friendship and being the best. But she can't help that, she's Rainbow Dash!
note: Rainbow's job is to manage the weather in the skies over Ponyville. Ponies do not believe in letting these things happen on their own.
Sample Post:
A farm without weather control? Are you crazy? No wonder this place stinks so bad. Didn’t you get the message? Spring is supposed to have sprung by now! Well, lucky for you, now you've got the fastest, smartest, and most talented cloud kicker in all of Equestria here to clear away that mess up there! Fillies and Gentlecolts, allow me hook you up... with a Rainbow connection.
Or whatever you guys are. Okay, so you're not ponies. I can see that. For one thing, you only come in one color. That's... kind of boring, don't you think? I mean, no offense. Purple's nice or whatever. But wait until you see me light up your skies. Double rainbows? That’s nothing. I’m going for a triple.
Let's see. First thing I'd better do is clean up the area. Then I can round up some really good rainclouds and bring them over to fill up your water tower! Didn't expect me to think ahead, did ya? Well don’t look so surprised, it's not like I'm going to fly away and leave you hanging. And I already know that after you see me in action you’re going to be begging for me to stay and water your crops all season. Who wouldn’t? So I worked out a contingency plan. No need to thank me, although I'm sure you'll do that anyway. I'm gonna look so cool up there whipping those rainstorms up, you won't believe your eyes! And that's assuming I slow down enough for you to even get a look my sweet moves.
But enough about me. Like I was saying, there wouldn't be any point in flying up a storm if my clouds were just going to get mixed in with these pathetic little cirrus things that are already here. It shouldn't take long for me to get rid of them, though. I'll just make a couple high-flying sweeps of the territory and AAAAAAH!! What in the hay is that supposed to be?! Some kind of sea monster or something? No way! What's that doing all the way up here?
I mean. Not that I can't handle it. I have totally gone up against bigger badder things than that. Like when that Dragon was threatening Ponyville? Oh yeah, I was there. And by there I mean... right in the middle of things! Of course. Where else would I have been? So this? No problem. Wait and see! It’s just one more bump in the road on my trip out of farmsville. And there's no way a bump is gonna slow me down. I mean, check the wings! Where I’m going, I don't need roads.
Poll Vote!
Character: Sollux Captor
Series: Homestuck
Character Age: Six solar sweeps (approximately 13)
Canon: Homestuck is the story of four young internet friends who decide to try a cool new computer game called SBURB, with cool new game mechanics like moving stuff around your friends' houses and destroying your home planet with meteors. Though they manage to escape the part where rocks fall and everyone else dies, they still have the actual game to play, and suddenly find themselves facing both powerful enemies and a group of trolls (literal and figurative) that, hey! Are pretty angry that the kids seem to have screwed over their session somehow cross-dimensionally. Whoops!
Sollux is one of said trolls... though he doesn't do any actual trolling. A crazy awesome hacker with crazy awesome psychic powers who just happens to hear the screaming voices of the imminently deceased, he finds balance in duality -- a reoccurring theme for his character -- and can be fittingly prone to having bipolar moodswings at the drop of a hat. Normally, though? He can be kind of crabby and really sarcastic, but he's ultimately pretty easy going -- it's kind of hard to get him to hold a grudge despite all the crap he gets (and gives). And I guess he can be kind of cool. Half the time. The half where he's making horrible puns definitely doesn't count. His trolltag is twinArmageddons and he has a tendency two lii2p when he 2peak2.
Sample Post:
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling campFuckudie [CF]
TA: ii thought we were done wiith all thii2 2tupiid game b2.
TA: game over, tiime two go fondle our collectiive bulge2 and waiit two diie on 2ome retarded 2pace rock.
TA: and 2uddenly iin2tead iim here.
TA: iin the land of feathery p2ychiic a22hole2 who cant 2hut up.
TA: ii mean iit2 not liike ii dont already have enough noii2y bull2hiit two deal wiith wiithout the2e douchebag2 2creamiing liike wriigler2.
TA: a2 iif iim goiing two giive a 2hiit about theiir problem2.
TA: 2omethiing about the 2erver beiing 2abotaged?
TA: ii gue22 you could 2ay...
TA: they 2u2pect fowl play.
TA:
TA: ehehehehehe.
TA: ii dont even know what theyre expectiing me two do here anyway.
TA: ii know iim fuckiing amaziing at thii2 2tuff but ii cant work fuckiing miiracle2.
TA: there ha2 two be a 2erver iin the fiir2t place iif iim 2uppo2ed two fiix iit.
TA: and ii cant tell what they 2tuck twogether two make thii2 thiing work iin the fiir2t place but whatever iit ii2, iit2 glubbiing embarra22iing.
TA: you wouldnt even have two try two 2abotage thii2 piiece of junk.
TA: ii mean the whole thiing ii2 held twogether by quack-bea2t adhe2iive 2triip2.
TA: and half the wiire2 look liike theyve been chewed apart by 2ome kiind of horned hoofbea2t.
TA: 2eriiou2ly, iit would probably go down on iit2 own iif you waiited long enough.
TA: and oh look, a 2erver manual by 2omebody who ha2 no iidea what theyre doiing.
TA: how 2urprii2iing.
TA: iin ca2e of emergency, you can try manually bootiing the 2y2tem.
TA: 2teel toe2 are partiicularly effectiive.
TA: thii2 make2 no fuckiing 2en2e.
TA: ii gue22 you could call iit...
TA: ... a cra2h cour2e.
TA: FUCK, no, that wa2 2tupiid.
TA: ju2t forget iit.
TA: iim out of here.
twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling campFuckudie [CF]
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Santana Lopez
Series: Glee
Character Age: 17
Canon: At McKinley High School, status means everything. Being a cheerleader means someone is on top … and being someone who sings Broadway songs and dances on a stage like an idiot means you’re definitely on bottom. That doesn’t keep the Glee Club from taking funds from the nationals-winning cheerleading squad called the Cheerios to support their struggle to make it to the top of the musical world-even if they can’t manage that in school itself. The coach of the cheerleaders sends several of her Cheerios into the club to try and keep them knocked down a few pegs. What she didn’t expect was them eventually defecting to the club as they find love, acceptance, and a chance to shine.
Even though she loves Glee club, Santana is probably the most negative member. She makes herself out to be rougher around the edges than she actually is, and she enjoys having the power to instill fear in others. She claims to think everybody sucks around her, and doesn’t hold back on telling them as much-and her method is generally done with colorful insults. These insults are generally regarded as the truth, and no one can say otherwise. But underneath all that is a scared and confused girl struggling with her sexuality. Much of her bullying is due to this, and she makes it a point to make others just as miserable as she is. After all, it seems like she can’t take it when the insults are dished back at her. The thing is, she’s afraid of being judged by other homophobic students, and she doesn’t want to tarnish her image. So she keeps up with the insults, and doesn’t stop at tearing down anyone in her way-even her boyfriend-to keep feeling like she’s on top.
Note: Santana is being apped after 2x16, “Original Song.” Also, her favorite restaurant is an Italian place called Breadstix.
Sample Post:
Oh, I definitely didn’t sign up for letting a bunch of mouth-breathers who just climbed out of a septic tank get up in my face. I wasn’t expecting much from even-more-rural America, but that’s just offensive. I mean, I knew I made a mistake when I signed up for charity work, but they promised me a lifetime of free sticks if I offered my talents at keeping it real-and ain’t nothin’ gonna stop me when I wants me some sticks. It’s like, I was expecting confused undersexed band geeks who get their jollies off on drumsticks-not a bad idea, by the way. Gotta get it from somewhere. But instead? I got overeager reptiles cloned from Charlie Sheen’s DNA. Well, if I’ve just gotta tell you how lame you really are and make sure you get it? Then my job’s the easy one.
So let’s be honest. You all suck, and the only future you have is extras’ work in the next Syfy made-for-TV movie about the zombie apocalypse. What, you wanted a spot on The Walking Dead? Please. Just keep moaning in anguish at the lost stardom, meaningful close-ups, and oh-that’s right, brains. Come on, give it up because no one’s gonna be ready to give theirs up-or give up anything to you. You don’t got anything going for you. I’m an expert in dealing with the loserly and hopeless, so I know. But I don’t gotta get down and dirty with you to know what’s missing-or how fast everything’s gonna fall off and get stuck before you even try. This is how it is: the only difference between you and most breathing idiots? Is the lung use.
Still confused? Stop flapping your already broken jaws and listen to me. I didn’t come here to hear the pitiful sob stories that belong on Days of Our Deceased. It’s like you think you’re growing on me the more I keep going. Stop getting louder, stop getting confident, and check this: I wasn’t looking to be inspiring. None of you can ever live up to my image. Sure, some losers make it in life without anything-looks, talent, or even how to use a bar of soap-but don’t go taking inspiration from James Van Der Botox’s recent rise to stardom as the front man in a Ke$ha vid. Smelling like three-week-old rotten fish won’t even land you a spot on America’s Got Talent. The only thing you might get is a PSA as a helpful reminder of the importance of good hygiene. But don’t get your hopes up-a scrub in the tub with a cute yellow ducky won’t even begin to help your problems.
Look, I’m tired, so just look disappointed so I can call it a day and get the Hell out of here. Your life isn’t gonna be some Lifetime Original about how you tried to overcome your disability-and failed. The longer I stay here, the more I’m afraid that once I get some of those delectable breadsticks on my plate, all I’m gonna be seeing is brains. And I didn’t sign up for any reality-based horror stories.
Poll Vote!
Character: Chris D'Amico / Red Mist
Series: Kick-Ass (movie)
Age: ~18
Canon: Why hasn't anyone ever actually tried to be a superhero? That's the question that Dave Lizewski finds himself asking in the movie Kick-Ass, and the answer he comes to is - well, why the hell not? And so, after donning a wetsuit (and a false start that resulted in an epic ass-kicking, which then "gifted" Dave with dulled nerves that enabled him to withstand pain), Dave takes up the name "Kick-Ass" and fights crime on the streets, making it his duty to help people. As he becomes an internet sensation and grows in popularity, he befriends two fellow superheroes: Hit-Girl and Big Daddy, who have been slowly picking off crime boss Frank D'Amico's blooming drug enterprise. Needless to say? Frank D'Amico isn't too pleased with the sudden superhero boom.
Fortunately, he has his son - Chris D'Amico. "Spoiled" is one word that could be used to describe him; "nerd" would be a tad more apt. Chris initially comes off as your average teenage boy would: somewhat foul-mouthed (albeit not nearly as much as Hit-Girl), snarky, pop culture and comic savvy, and all-in-all? Kind of obnoxious. As the son of a crime lord, he's had everything handed to him, but what he wants most from his father and from others is genuine respect. So when the opportunity presents itself, Chris gladly offers to assume the role of a fellow superhero, "Red Mist," and draw Kick-Ass into a trap. Through this ploy, Chris reveals that he isn't just Daddy's spoiled little child. While he may not be physically gifted, he's ridiculously clever and excels at putting his comic book knowledge to good use. But at the same time, he also shows another side to himself - a lonely, awkward kid who genuinely enjoys hanging out with another guy dressed up in a ridiculous costume. When he’s away from his father (as well as his influence), Chris is just a nerdy kid who wants to geek out and, well, be awesome with his fellow nerds.
Note: Chris is being pulled from before the final showdown in the movie.
Sample Post:
. . . jesus christ, did you guys do any research? I get that the whole "dressing up like a superhero" thing has become a fad that's spreading like wildfire and crossing over into other genres everywhere, but seriously, what the hell! If you’re going to try to act like zombies? Actually act like zombies. I'm not talking about the bullshit that Hollywood is spitting out these days, either, with Zombieland or whatever Resident Evil bastardization they’re shoving out. Pick up some Kirkman - The Walking Dead? - and actually read it. You could learn a thing or two about actually appearing to be threatening. The shambling about and begging for brains are hardly convincing, although I'll give you this: the prop hands are a decent touch. Heh, touch, did you- nevermind.
Look, whatever. If you really want some more tips or something, we can look them up on the internet. The reputable websites - none of that Wikipedia bullshit. But what I actually need right now is for you to break character for five seconds and tell me more about where the hell I am. I’ve been getting mixed messages all day, so I'd like some clarity. When my dad suggested summer camp, I wasn’t exactly sure what to expect. I mean, it has internet, so - cool, it's not going to totally suck. Come on, though. Camp Fuck You Die? Ignoring the obvious nitpick there, where the hell is comma? Are they just telling me to fuck off and die, or if I actually fuck, am I going to die? - hey! That’s an actual scenario, all right? Shut up and stop rolling those goddamn fake prop eyes out of your plastic head, I’m being serious here!
Shit, wait . . . don’t tell me. I heard something earlier about the director of this place, but I didn't actually think it held any water. You know, the stories about her keeping people here? The dead fiance that's actually still alive? And the crazy shit about all the people she keeps here and what goes on? It seemed too out there for me, and I read Marvel. But now that I look at you guys - you're her minions, aren’t you? I keep asking you questions, and all you do is play dumb with your pseudo-zombie act that allows you to evade questions easily while trying to unnerve me with your constant pawing in the general direction of my head. That’s what’s going on, isn't it?
It's too bad that you guys completely fail at it. Look at you! It's like everything I said earlier and then some. How does this woman actually expect herself to be taken seriously as a supervillain when she can't even maintain a reasonable level of credibility with her minions? This is totally lame. Listen, if your boss ever wants to pass beyond the bottom rung of supervillains and get even remotely close to the top of that ladder, she needs to start by not being a cheap asshole and shell out for better henchmen. Who the hell would actually buy you guys as zombies? The only thing you guys really have going for you, aside from a prop or two, is the simulated rotting flesh smell, but let me tell you: missing a week's worth of showers doesn’t exactly make you zombie-esque. It just makes you pretty goddamn gross.
God. Fucking wannabes.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kiriu Touya aka. Iai Banchou
Series: Kongou Banchou
Character Age: 16
Canon: The 23 District Project assembles twenty-three volunteers with superhuman abilities to fight for control of Japan. Each participant is given control of one of the districts of Tokyo, and given the title of “banchou”; they are now responsible for challenging and defeating the other banchou for control of their districts. It’s a dangerous competition, but any dreams or goals one has could be easily accomplished by having control of an entire country.
Enter Iai Banchou, master of Kiriu-Style iaijutsu (the art of sword drawing). Honourable, cultured and disciplined, the master swordsman has a very old-fashioned Japanese soul. His reason for taking part in the Project is to re-shape Japan and return society to the old ways; to shun societal decay and Western influence, to a time when the Japanese had their hearts shaken by the beauty of nature. However, Iai Banchou is easily shaken by girls showing skin - he gets embarrassed, blushes, and his nose bleeds. His chastity is his weakness, and he insists on women covering themselves up, including the bare legs of a girl in her school uniform skirt.
Sample Post:
I assume this is Tentacle Banchou’s special arena? I was expecting something more like an aquarium, or perhaps by the sea, but being prepared for anything is nothing for a banchou. And you, I take it, are Tentacle Banchou’s underlings? Such horrific aesthetics are typical of America. Zombies are very popular here, are they not? The American moe - the rotting deceased. How distasteful, though I will compliment the effort put into your makeup and costumes. But know this - challenging me is the biggest mistake you’ve made in your... post-life.
I was under the impression that the 23 District Project was to take place within Tokyo; perhaps the government wanted to add a bit more of an international flavour to the competition. This is my first time out of the country, and it is a shame I cannot enjoy the… endless cornfield scenery. There is a peaceful feel to it, of course - farms are where people work hard in harmony with the land. However, the robot cows are simply a perversion of nature! I understand North Americans enjoy their milk products, but was the demand such that only a machine can keep up? And the gorillas - I thought they belonged in zoos, not farms. Is this place an elaborate joke I am not understanding? A very disturbing joke, judging by the incredibly lewd way they were handling that boy. I suppose this is less punishment than American airport customs, though I have no idea how I managed to cross the Pacific. I don’t even have a passport…
Regardless, this venture will be swift, so I may return before I’m subjected to any more of this depraved humour. Ah, but before we start - miss, I must insist you cover your legs more. It’s not the disturbingly realistic lacerations or rot, but I... n-no, don’t show me your thighs! Do not continue such - aaahhhh!!! Enough! I wasn’t intending on defeating you before, but I cannot tolerate such... behavior! It would be wise to re-attach your ears and listen properly this time: I, Iai Banchou, have been sent to defeat Tentacle Banchou of the… ah… my English is not very good. Cee-eff-you-dee... I assume you can’t even understand my Japanese, let alone hear me, but it doesn’t matter! This farce comes to an end, now!
I’ll deliver my message to her myself: Tentacle Banchou of the Cee-Food District, prepare to be served!
Poll Vote!
Character: Rainbow Dash
Series: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Age: pony
Canon: The title isn't keeping any secrets, folks. My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic is a surprisingly addictive children's show about tiny equines who discover the joy of interpersonal relationships. The "mane" character is Twilight Sparkle, a bookish unicorn who nevertheless manages to collect a group of best buds who happen to represent the ~elements of harmony~. At least, they do for an episode.
In theory, Rainbow Dash's most representative trait is loyalty. And it's true, she'd never leave a friend hanging. She just might need a few good kicks before she pulls herself out of her egomaniacal daydreams and realizes that somepony else needs her help. Left to her own devices, Rainbow is a cocky daredevil with a tendency towards bragging, boasting, and occasionally bending the rules. After all, she is the self-proclaimed best flier in all of Equestria. This sometimes leads to her biting off more than she can chew, and her bad girl bravado has been known to crack under the pressure when she realizes she's in over her head. But if it's for a pal, she'll nerve herself back up and get the job done, whether it's fighting off the monster of the week or performing the legendary Sonic Rainboom. After all, like most ponies, Rainbow doesn't take anything but friendship too seriously in the long run. ...friendship and being the best. But she can't help that, she's Rainbow Dash!
note: Rainbow's job is to manage the weather in the skies over Ponyville. Ponies do not believe in letting these things happen on their own.
Sample Post:
A farm without weather control? Are you crazy? No wonder this place stinks so bad. Didn’t you get the message? Spring is supposed to have sprung by now! Well, lucky for you, now you've got the fastest, smartest, and most talented cloud kicker in all of Equestria here to clear away that mess up there! Fillies and Gentlecolts, allow me hook you up... with a Rainbow connection.
Or whatever you guys are. Okay, so you're not ponies. I can see that. For one thing, you only come in one color. That's... kind of boring, don't you think? I mean, no offense. Purple's nice or whatever. But wait until you see me light up your skies. Double rainbows? That’s nothing. I’m going for a triple.
Let's see. First thing I'd better do is clean up the area. Then I can round up some really good rainclouds and bring them over to fill up your water tower! Didn't expect me to think ahead, did ya? Well don’t look so surprised, it's not like I'm going to fly away and leave you hanging. And I already know that after you see me in action you’re going to be begging for me to stay and water your crops all season. Who wouldn’t? So I worked out a contingency plan. No need to thank me, although I'm sure you'll do that anyway. I'm gonna look so cool up there whipping those rainstorms up, you won't believe your eyes! And that's assuming I slow down enough for you to even get a look my sweet moves.
But enough about me. Like I was saying, there wouldn't be any point in flying up a storm if my clouds were just going to get mixed in with these pathetic little cirrus things that are already here. It shouldn't take long for me to get rid of them, though. I'll just make a couple high-flying sweeps of the territory and AAAAAAH!! What in the hay is that supposed to be?! Some kind of sea monster or something? No way! What's that doing all the way up here?
I mean. Not that I can't handle it. I have totally gone up against bigger badder things than that. Like when that Dragon was threatening Ponyville? Oh yeah, I was there. And by there I mean... right in the middle of things! Of course. Where else would I have been? So this? No problem. Wait and see! It’s just one more bump in the road on my trip out of farmsville. And there's no way a bump is gonna slow me down. I mean, check the wings! Where I’m going, I don't need roads.
Poll Vote!
Character: Sollux Captor
Series: Homestuck
Character Age: Six solar sweeps (approximately 13)
Canon: Homestuck is the story of four young internet friends who decide to try a cool new computer game called SBURB, with cool new game mechanics like moving stuff around your friends' houses and destroying your home planet with meteors. Though they manage to escape the part where rocks fall and everyone else dies, they still have the actual game to play, and suddenly find themselves facing both powerful enemies and a group of trolls (literal and figurative) that, hey! Are pretty angry that the kids seem to have screwed over their session somehow cross-dimensionally. Whoops!
Sollux is one of said trolls... though he doesn't do any actual trolling. A crazy awesome hacker with crazy awesome psychic powers who just happens to hear the screaming voices of the imminently deceased, he finds balance in duality -- a reoccurring theme for his character -- and can be fittingly prone to having bipolar moodswings at the drop of a hat. Normally, though? He can be kind of crabby and really sarcastic, but he's ultimately pretty easy going -- it's kind of hard to get him to hold a grudge despite all the crap he gets (and gives). And I guess he can be kind of cool. Half the time. The half where he's making horrible puns definitely doesn't count. His trolltag is twinArmageddons and he has a tendency two lii2p when he 2peak2.
Sample Post:
twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling campFuckudie [CF]
TA: ii thought we were done wiith all thii2 2tupiid game b2.
TA: game over, tiime two go fondle our collectiive bulge2 and waiit two diie on 2ome retarded 2pace rock.
TA: and 2uddenly iin2tead iim here.
TA: iin the land of feathery p2ychiic a22hole2 who cant 2hut up.
TA: ii mean iit2 not liike ii dont already have enough noii2y bull2hiit two deal wiith wiithout the2e douchebag2 2creamiing liike wriigler2.
TA: a2 iif iim goiing two giive a 2hiit about theiir problem2.
TA: 2omethiing about the 2erver beiing 2abotaged?
TA: ii gue22 you could 2ay...
TA: they 2u2pect fowl play.
TA:
TA: ehehehehehe.
TA: ii dont even know what theyre expectiing me two do here anyway.
TA: ii know iim fuckiing amaziing at thii2 2tuff but ii cant work fuckiing miiracle2.
TA: there ha2 two be a 2erver iin the fiir2t place iif iim 2uppo2ed two fiix iit.
TA: and ii cant tell what they 2tuck twogether two make thii2 thiing work iin the fiir2t place but whatever iit ii2, iit2 glubbiing embarra22iing.
TA: you wouldnt even have two try two 2abotage thii2 piiece of junk.
TA: ii mean the whole thiing ii2 held twogether by quack-bea2t adhe2iive 2triip2.
TA: and half the wiire2 look liike theyve been chewed apart by 2ome kiind of horned hoofbea2t.
TA: 2eriiou2ly, iit would probably go down on iit2 own iif you waiited long enough.
TA: and oh look, a 2erver manual by 2omebody who ha2 no iidea what theyre doiing.
TA: how 2urprii2iing.
TA: iin ca2e of emergency, you can try manually bootiing the 2y2tem.
TA: 2teel toe2 are partiicularly effectiive.
TA: thii2 make2 no fuckiing 2en2e.
TA: ii gue22 you could call iit...
TA: ... a cra2h cour2e.
TA: FUCK, no, that wa2 2tupiid.
TA: ju2t forget iit.
TA: iim out of here.
twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling campFuckudie [CF]
Poll Vote!