good morning seafud.
Let's switch it up and have some counselors. HOW EXCITING! You still have like an hour and forty-five minutes to app.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. That'll do, Camp, that'll do.
Character: Klaus
Series: The Vampire Diaries
Character Age: Looks 30ish -- is more like 30 plus a few thousand
Job: BDSM Safety Instructor
Canon: Elena Gilbert's life was already a little difficult -- she lost both her parents in a car accident and she was juggling that loss with high school and all its social trappings. And then her life got a lot harder. First it was just a brooding and mysterious new boy at school. Then it was a relationship with a brooding and mysterious boy. And then suddenly there were vampires and vampire hunters and werewolves and human sacrifice. More specifically, Elena as a human sacrifice. Now Elena's life contains a love triangle, trying to not die or get kidnapped, protecting (or failing to protect) her loved ones and more supernatural beings than you can shake a stick at.
One such supernatural being you'd want to shake a stick at -- or quite possibly stake him with it -- is Klaus. A somewhat elusive Villain with a capital V (for both vampire and volatile), Klaus is a total dick. Not even just kind of a dick. He's the So-I-Dropped-By-Your-House-And-Freaked-Out-Your-Relatives-For-Fun guy. Or the So-I-Made-You-Torture-Yourself-For-Giggles guy. Klaus likes jazz, a party and can be very charismatic. Klaus is often governed by paranoia, more than a little egotistical and at times ruled by his whimsy. His sense of humor is malicious at best, and he tends to put some sarcastic flair to his speech. He lives by his own rules and his own desires and it’d really suck for you if you end up in his way.
Sample Post:
Hello, Camp! This would be the part where I introduce myself to you, go through my job and then we could talk about how we can best help each other. But let's be honest here, you don't really want to go over this overly long and probably extremely dull safety manual. You don't really care who I am either, am I right? This is a summer Camp, you're all young hot-blooded things and I'm quite sure the prospect of fun is far more alluring than this little issue of safety.
Now, now, before you run off to play with your whips and chains I suppose I should do something vaguely responsible. It isn't very nice to tear into your peers without thinking of what kind of damage you'll do. It will probably hurt their feelings, cause quite the mess and more importantly if you aren't careful you'll run out of flesh to flay and nothing is worse than really getting into it and getting interrupted. I suggest having a buddy, you know, a real pal. The kind to take care of the odd completely unintentional accident, so to speak, and someone truly responsible who might help you find new partners to play with. Not that you have to be limited to monogamy but there is something to be said for good old fashioned one-on-one moments.
Seeing that some of you seem a bit flesh inhibited to begin with, I suggest you try some other toys. Fire isn't for everyone, but I hear it can bring a real spark to a relationship. If you're feeling particularly twisted you could add your own brand of fun to it, I hear that burning hot coals never go out of fashion. And do keep your mouth out of their skulls, that's just disgusting. Gray matter has absolutely no flavor. Aim a bit lower and you'll be in for a treat. Remember, tilting the head back causes a larger spray so wear a shirt you don't mind gathering some souvenirs on.
What were we discussing? Oh, yes, safety. Safety is key if you want to maintain a long and somewhat healthy, if terminal as they all are, relationship. That boring little book suggested that you create some kind of word or signal for one partner to let the other know they've had too much. Me, personally, I like to feel this out. It might take a few truly unfortunately fatal trial runs, but sooner or later you'll get the hang of finding everyone's tipping point.
Oh? Everyone comes back due to our hardworking moogles? Then let’s throw everything out the window and just let loose. We wouldn’t want to be responsible for putting the sad in sadomasochism.
Poll Vote!
Name: Manuel “Manny” Calavera
Series: Grim Fandango
Age: 35-ish when he died
Job: Travel Agent
Canon: What happens after we die? According to Grim Fandango, we’re whisked away to the Land of the Dead--a sort of limbo where your karma is evaluated and you’re told what sort of afterlife you’ve earned. Everyone’s final destination is the Ninth Underworld, also called Heaven. But, in order to figure out how exactly you’re going to make the journey, you have to go to the Department of Death’s Travel Agency, where agents like Manuel "Manny" Calavera tell you where your good/bad deeds earn you: if you were a saint, you get a train ride straight to heaven; if you were a sinner, a walking stick to help you on your extremely dangerous, four-year walk. The Department of Death’s a crooked business, however, and when Manny realizes he’s been tricked into sending his clients on sinner’s journeys when they’d earned saint’s rewards, he leaves on an adventure spanning all the corners of the Land of the Dead trying to find and rescue one saint in particular... the woman he loves.
Manny is a mild-mannered businessman constantly forced into sticky situations by his big (figurative) heart. He feels terrible about wronging his client, and his sense of honor drives him to fight against impossible odds. In fitting with the “film noir meets Día de los Muertos” setting of the game, Manny is a Mexican Humphrey Bogart who keeps a cool head under pressure and doesn’t let anything or anyone break his conviction in what is right. He’s got a dry sense of humor, a competitive streak a mile wide, and an infinite ability to adapt. Ultimately, he believes he has the soul of a salesman,, and cares about old clients enough to try to help them in any way he can. No matter what the situation, he’ll end up succeeding, even if it takes years of effort and devotion. It’s not like the dead ever run out of time.
Note: Manny occasionally uses Mexican phrases when irritated or excited. “Hijole” basically means “Jeez.”
Sample Post: I hate farms. I’ve only ever been on this one, but if it’s a good specimen of its kind, I can say for certain that I hate farms a lot. My suit felt heavy, dragging me down into the dust like so many angry memories. I arrived at midday in the middle of a cornfield, the sun beating down on my skull as I looked for my clients. It didn’t take long for me to run into the first horror of the day--and buddy, I know horror.
I smelled them before I saw them: rotting half-dead, stumbling around in groups so large it looked like a clown coffin had just let out. Hijole, I can still smell them now, steaming and frying in the heat like a roadkill barbecue. I asked them if they were the clients that Director dame had told me about, but they didn’t answer. They had good excuses for that, since some of them didn’t like jawing, and some of them didn’t have jaws. It didn’t take long for me to want to move on, though, for lots of reasons. I doubted they qualified for even a walking stick. Also, they were starting to really creep me out. I kept on searching--I didn’t have any leads, other than “find the people in the Camp and be their travel agent.”
As time went on, I started to remember why I don’t take requests from mysterious ladies. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? There’s a reason they call that type of woman femme fatale, and I wasn’t interested in dying twice.
Just before I found this bar, I found my clients, and almost all of them were living... but most of them were also dead. They weren’t rotting like the zombies, but their normal human fleshiness somehow made it harder to look at them. I don’t mean that as a crack about their weight--a lof of the kids looked like they needed a sandwich, if anything. But I could see it in their souls: they had suffered the pain of death, but had been resurrected, cheating death at its own game. As a grim reaper and a man with some kind of morals left, their cheating didn’t sit well with me, and I decided then and there to set things right.
These people need help. They are stagnating here, caught in a mystical limbo between worlds, just like the Director told me. I don’t know whether it’s their fault for getting trapped, or if they want to break out of this place and make it to the Ninth Underworld. Maybe they’ll eventually turn into the zombies I saw out in the fields. All I can say for sure is that some of them--not the tentacle-y one, but some others--have souls shining with the innocence of angels... and I could really use a fat commission right about now. If I can really save these folks, why not collect some dough at the door to the other side? They won’t need it where they’re going.
Pour me another shot of liquid courage, friend. I can’t stay here much longer--just until I finish this cigarette. I’ve gotta get out there and sell some commissions... and remember, the only mercy a reaper can give is a nice, sharp edge.
Poll Vote!
Character: Mordin Solus
Series: Mass Effect
Character Age: Late thirties
Job: Inter-species Relations Consultant
Canon:
Commander Shepard and their ragtag crew of aliens and humans set out to defeat a rogue space CIA agent named Saren, succeeding in doing so and thereby saving the galaxy. Two years passed, and Shepard is recruited by an organization known as Cerberus for the purpose of defeating the Collectors - a race of mysterious beings kidnapping humans from colonies all over the galaxy. To successfully perform the assumed suicide mission, Shepard gathers a team of all backgrounds and specialties to help stop the Collector threat.
Mordin Solus, a salarian scientist, is recruited to do research on the Collectors and equipment upgrades for the mission. Though he may look like a wimpy doctor, Mordin served in a salarian Special Tasks Group - he can handle himself, and a gun, perfectly well in combat. Friendly and incredibly intelligent, Mordin also offers comic relief with his offhanded remarks and lack of mental filter as he talks away; he’s not concerned with your squeamishness nor your attention span. He has the soul of a mad scientist and an analytical eye, but does have a sense of ethics; even though he believes the ends justify the means, he still wants to avoid senseless death and pain and help people instead.
As a note, Mordin’s verbal tic involves speaking in sentence fragments and rambling, thinking out loud and answering his own questions. He’s described as “a hamster on coffee.”
Sample Post:
Inter-dimensional crossover point. Fascinating. Strange place to put it, Earth farmland not ideal for all species. Corn also not ideal food supply for all species. Considering amount of humans present, curious that Director did not plant grain instead. Still, potential use for “camp” as hub between dimensions. Incredible possibilities. Space already vast and complex, many species, but worlds beyond may add even more.
Therefore, more species to intermingle and attempt romance or fornication! Can get very complicated, various barriers in place. Anatomical, biological, psychological, cultural. But no need to worry. Questions, concerns, advice, all available from trained medical professional. Confidentially guaranteed. Have plenty of experience dealing with inter-species relationships - have encountered many races, many tastes, many problems both biological and medical. Hope to make camper and counselor experiences not awkward. Enjoyable! Purple primates and reanimated human corpses holding hands, travelling together in direction of quarters… unless privacy not required by personal preference.
Marcy in particular allows little privacy. Can’t have closed quarters when trapped in silo. However, most of body made up of many tentacles. Aware some have a fetish for the flexibility of such appendages. If desire to make positive contact with Marcy, suggest slow approach. Large appendages make for difficulty adjusting, best not to create serious injury or death. Approach with caution - Marcy is very aggressive in making contact with camp population. Mostly unwanted advances, causes psychological trauma and sudden camper transformation into a small fuzzy animal… problematic for camper more than Marcy.
If Marcy not ideal, possibly pursue relations with a gorilla. Much closer to humans genetically and physiologically, and not constrained to single area. Can hold hands with, if so desired. Lack same flexibility as Marcy, but not entirely rigid. Caution, however, since like Marcy the gorillas have been observed to be very… rough when handling campers. Do carry common human ecto and endoparasites - mites and ticks main concern. Recommend medical examination after, just in case.
If all goes well, would offer oils or ointments to aid… but am aware of ban on sexual activity. Keep in mind to avoid potential disappointment and frustration. Can provide oils for taking care of frustration in private. If concerned about receiving advice from non-human species, re-consider racism. Wish you luck! Very excited to see outcome of encounters - new diseases to study, new transfer vectors, new allergic reactions to fluids. Looking forward to making the best of time spent here, doing research... where no salarian has gone before.
Poll Vote!
Character: Chuck Shurley
Series: Supernatural
Age: Late 30s
Job: Creative Writing Instructor
Canon: Chuck Shurley (pen name Carver Edlund) is a struggling writer who's responsible for an unsuccessful series of urban fantasy novels about the exploits of two brothers--Sam and Dean--as they struggle to save the world from the apocalypse. Much like Salinger, Chuck is hermetic and cut off from the world. He spends most of his time drinking, having headaches, and being hit by sudden, divine inspiration.
Literally.
For you see, Chuck is no ordinary writer. He is a prophet of the Lord, who channels the divine word into what will one day be called the Gospel of Winchester. And while this may sound glamorous, Chuck is still broke, bitter, and hounded by his over-dedicated fans. He takes all of this with good (if dry) humor, a put-upon demeanor, and a healthy (?) amount of alcohol.
His favorite movie is Beaches.
Okay, so--RavynDarkFyre92. That's a . . . lovely pen name. It really goes with your, uh--decaying flesh. I guess. But you're my student. I'm here to enrich. So, let's see what you've got for the first assignment. The prompt was bunnies and this is--Ravyn Darkfyre and the Chamber of Brains. Okay. Well, I know a lot of very talented young writers who have started off with, uh, fan works, so that's fine. This doesn't have any incest, does it? I get that a lot with fans. No? Great.
Let's see, right here in the first sentence, you've got a typo. And I'm not sure why your character is speaking in Japanese? That's a little confusing. Oh, wait, they're in a zombie wizard school in Hokkaido. Well, I guess I haven't seen that before. I . . . applaud your creativity, but I think you might have trouble finding an audience. Believe me, this genre stuff? It doesn't always sell. And when it does, it's still not quite how you pictured. But I guess you have to follow your heart.
--No, you don't have to throw it anywhere. That's fine. I was being metaphorical. Just remember that if this is what you love doing, you can do it. This is your first try! It's very strong for a beginner.
Hey, don't get upset! It's not like my first drafts are perfect--far from it! I mean, after the headache and the booze, you should see what kind of crap I write the first time through. That's why it's so important to look over your work. You can still come out with some stinkers, but nobody's perfect. I admit, the racist truck was a miscalculation. But that wasn't totally my fault.
But enough about me, this is about you. I think that the intense focus on eating brains is going to be a turn-off for your, well, human audience. It's not really something a lot of people can relate to. And I don't know if Ravyn's relationship with Harry Cullen is really developing naturally. I mean, it's the first day of school, he thinks she's kawaii, and now they are omg in tur luv by third period? It's a lot to process. And it's not required, but I can't help but notice you really didn't do anything with the prompt.
--Oh, you're right. There they are. Eating a bunny. Well. That's--great. Just what I was hoping for.
Anyway! That's really coming along. For the next draft, I want you to focus on spelling and grammar and really developing their relationship. Have you seen When Harry Met Sally? That slow build is just beautiful to watch.
Okay, who's next? Yes--Teal Deer? Wow, you've got a lot. Oh, that's--part one of twenty-nine. Fantastic. Let's get started.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kenneth Parcell
Series: 30 Rock
Age: Appears to be in his 20’s. It’s implied that he could be a whole lot older.
Job: Senior Page
Canon: Welcome to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, the home of many an American TV show. In this cornerstone of American television, one Liz Lemon serves as the head writer for a live sketch comedy show - in the same vein as Saturday Night Live - called TGS with Tracy Jordan. One of the few properly sane people that she knows, it’s Liz’s job to make sure that everything runs smoothly. A rather mammoth task, given not only the eccentricities of the members of her cast and fellow writers, but also that of her boss Jack Donaghy.
Kenneth Parcell is a page working for NBC, and is literally the nicest person you will ever meet. Kind, self-sacrificing, optimistic, idealistic - you name it. There is nothing in this world that can make Kenneth lose his smile for all too long. He was raised in a very large, conservative Christian family in rural Georgia, and he learned most of what he knows about the outside world from watching television. So, needless to say, he has an incredibly unique perspective on pretty much everything; he’s downright backward about some things, but very enlightened about others. In any case, Kenneth loves pretty much everybody and everything, and he especially loves to make other people happy.
Sample Post:
Why hello there, everyone! My name’s Kenneth Parcell. Today, I'll be your tour guide, showing you all the wonderful sights at Camp Love You Jesus! I will have ask that all of you keep close to the group at all times, because wanderers are liable to be taken by the Hill People. And that - pardon my strong language - would be upsetting for all of us.
As you can see, we here at Camp Love You Jesus live on a farm! It’s a lot different than the farm I grew up on, to be sure, but nothing in the world is quite like home. We don’t really have any of the traditional types of farm animals here, like pigs and racoons, but we do have a whole bunch of interesting critters to make up for it! If you look a ways past the corn, for example, you can see our very own purple-back gorillas. I’ll advise you all to be careful not to step in their “little presents”, ‘cause they’ll stain your shoes as blue as the boil on my uncle’s nose.
At this point, ladies and gentlemen, I will have to ask you to stay a good distance away from the next attraction. See those pretty ‘ol tentacles coming out of that barn? That’s another one of our wonderful and unique animals! Now, Marcy can get a bit over-excited - just like my mom’s friend Ron used to get when he came over after drinking too much - which is why it’s best to keep out of reach of her arms. But Camp just wouldn’t be the same without her! Why, Camp without Marcy would be like a pie without squirrel meat, or a clown without a midget, or the Brady Bunch without Florence Henderson! That is to say, it wouldn’t be Camp at all.
Our final stop on the tour will be the Mess Hall, which is that cheerful building coming up on your right. We have a complimentary reception waiting for all of you folks, so please feel free to help yourselves to whatever you like. It’s Tuesday today, so I personally recommend the soup - it reminds me of my grandma’s special stew, which she only ever made when people came to visit from out of town. Come to think of it, we never actually had any of ‘em over for dinner, but I guess my grandma always made it just in case!
So this is where I say goodbye, and that I hope you all enjoyed the tour. I know I certainly did! If you have any more questions, I’m afraid that you’ll have ask them now, since I have to go out and about making sure the Hill People don’t eat any of your brains.
Is that all? In that case, y’all have a wonderful day!
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. That'll do, Camp, that'll do.
Character: Klaus
Series: The Vampire Diaries
Character Age: Looks 30ish -- is more like 30 plus a few thousand
Job: BDSM Safety Instructor
Canon: Elena Gilbert's life was already a little difficult -- she lost both her parents in a car accident and she was juggling that loss with high school and all its social trappings. And then her life got a lot harder. First it was just a brooding and mysterious new boy at school. Then it was a relationship with a brooding and mysterious boy. And then suddenly there were vampires and vampire hunters and werewolves and human sacrifice. More specifically, Elena as a human sacrifice. Now Elena's life contains a love triangle, trying to not die or get kidnapped, protecting (or failing to protect) her loved ones and more supernatural beings than you can shake a stick at.
One such supernatural being you'd want to shake a stick at -- or quite possibly stake him with it -- is Klaus. A somewhat elusive Villain with a capital V (for both vampire and volatile), Klaus is a total dick. Not even just kind of a dick. He's the So-I-Dropped-By-Your-House-And-Freaked-Out-Your-Relatives-For-Fun guy. Or the So-I-Made-You-Torture-Yourself-For-Giggles guy. Klaus likes jazz, a party and can be very charismatic. Klaus is often governed by paranoia, more than a little egotistical and at times ruled by his whimsy. His sense of humor is malicious at best, and he tends to put some sarcastic flair to his speech. He lives by his own rules and his own desires and it’d really suck for you if you end up in his way.
Sample Post:
Hello, Camp! This would be the part where I introduce myself to you, go through my job and then we could talk about how we can best help each other. But let's be honest here, you don't really want to go over this overly long and probably extremely dull safety manual. You don't really care who I am either, am I right? This is a summer Camp, you're all young hot-blooded things and I'm quite sure the prospect of fun is far more alluring than this little issue of safety.
Now, now, before you run off to play with your whips and chains I suppose I should do something vaguely responsible. It isn't very nice to tear into your peers without thinking of what kind of damage you'll do. It will probably hurt their feelings, cause quite the mess and more importantly if you aren't careful you'll run out of flesh to flay and nothing is worse than really getting into it and getting interrupted. I suggest having a buddy, you know, a real pal. The kind to take care of the odd completely unintentional accident, so to speak, and someone truly responsible who might help you find new partners to play with. Not that you have to be limited to monogamy but there is something to be said for good old fashioned one-on-one moments.
Seeing that some of you seem a bit flesh inhibited to begin with, I suggest you try some other toys. Fire isn't for everyone, but I hear it can bring a real spark to a relationship. If you're feeling particularly twisted you could add your own brand of fun to it, I hear that burning hot coals never go out of fashion. And do keep your mouth out of their skulls, that's just disgusting. Gray matter has absolutely no flavor. Aim a bit lower and you'll be in for a treat. Remember, tilting the head back causes a larger spray so wear a shirt you don't mind gathering some souvenirs on.
What were we discussing? Oh, yes, safety. Safety is key if you want to maintain a long and somewhat healthy, if terminal as they all are, relationship. That boring little book suggested that you create some kind of word or signal for one partner to let the other know they've had too much. Me, personally, I like to feel this out. It might take a few truly unfortunately fatal trial runs, but sooner or later you'll get the hang of finding everyone's tipping point.
Oh? Everyone comes back due to our hardworking moogles? Then let’s throw everything out the window and just let loose. We wouldn’t want to be responsible for putting the sad in sadomasochism.
Poll Vote!
Name: Manuel “Manny” Calavera
Series: Grim Fandango
Age: 35-ish when he died
Job: Travel Agent
Canon: What happens after we die? According to Grim Fandango, we’re whisked away to the Land of the Dead--a sort of limbo where your karma is evaluated and you’re told what sort of afterlife you’ve earned. Everyone’s final destination is the Ninth Underworld, also called Heaven. But, in order to figure out how exactly you’re going to make the journey, you have to go to the Department of Death’s Travel Agency, where agents like Manuel "Manny" Calavera tell you where your good/bad deeds earn you: if you were a saint, you get a train ride straight to heaven; if you were a sinner, a walking stick to help you on your extremely dangerous, four-year walk. The Department of Death’s a crooked business, however, and when Manny realizes he’s been tricked into sending his clients on sinner’s journeys when they’d earned saint’s rewards, he leaves on an adventure spanning all the corners of the Land of the Dead trying to find and rescue one saint in particular... the woman he loves.
Manny is a mild-mannered businessman constantly forced into sticky situations by his big (figurative) heart. He feels terrible about wronging his client, and his sense of honor drives him to fight against impossible odds. In fitting with the “film noir meets Día de los Muertos” setting of the game, Manny is a Mexican Humphrey Bogart who keeps a cool head under pressure and doesn’t let anything or anyone break his conviction in what is right. He’s got a dry sense of humor, a competitive streak a mile wide, and an infinite ability to adapt. Ultimately, he believes he has the soul of a salesman,, and cares about old clients enough to try to help them in any way he can. No matter what the situation, he’ll end up succeeding, even if it takes years of effort and devotion. It’s not like the dead ever run out of time.
Note: Manny occasionally uses Mexican phrases when irritated or excited. “Hijole” basically means “Jeez.”
Sample Post: I hate farms. I’ve only ever been on this one, but if it’s a good specimen of its kind, I can say for certain that I hate farms a lot. My suit felt heavy, dragging me down into the dust like so many angry memories. I arrived at midday in the middle of a cornfield, the sun beating down on my skull as I looked for my clients. It didn’t take long for me to run into the first horror of the day--and buddy, I know horror.
I smelled them before I saw them: rotting half-dead, stumbling around in groups so large it looked like a clown coffin had just let out. Hijole, I can still smell them now, steaming and frying in the heat like a roadkill barbecue. I asked them if they were the clients that Director dame had told me about, but they didn’t answer. They had good excuses for that, since some of them didn’t like jawing, and some of them didn’t have jaws. It didn’t take long for me to want to move on, though, for lots of reasons. I doubted they qualified for even a walking stick. Also, they were starting to really creep me out. I kept on searching--I didn’t have any leads, other than “find the people in the Camp and be their travel agent.”
As time went on, I started to remember why I don’t take requests from mysterious ladies. You know what I’m talking about, don’t you? There’s a reason they call that type of woman femme fatale, and I wasn’t interested in dying twice.
Just before I found this bar, I found my clients, and almost all of them were living... but most of them were also dead. They weren’t rotting like the zombies, but their normal human fleshiness somehow made it harder to look at them. I don’t mean that as a crack about their weight--a lof of the kids looked like they needed a sandwich, if anything. But I could see it in their souls: they had suffered the pain of death, but had been resurrected, cheating death at its own game. As a grim reaper and a man with some kind of morals left, their cheating didn’t sit well with me, and I decided then and there to set things right.
These people need help. They are stagnating here, caught in a mystical limbo between worlds, just like the Director told me. I don’t know whether it’s their fault for getting trapped, or if they want to break out of this place and make it to the Ninth Underworld. Maybe they’ll eventually turn into the zombies I saw out in the fields. All I can say for sure is that some of them--not the tentacle-y one, but some others--have souls shining with the innocence of angels... and I could really use a fat commission right about now. If I can really save these folks, why not collect some dough at the door to the other side? They won’t need it where they’re going.
Pour me another shot of liquid courage, friend. I can’t stay here much longer--just until I finish this cigarette. I’ve gotta get out there and sell some commissions... and remember, the only mercy a reaper can give is a nice, sharp edge.
Poll Vote!
Character: Mordin Solus
Series: Mass Effect
Character Age: Late thirties
Job: Inter-species Relations Consultant
Canon:
Commander Shepard and their ragtag crew of aliens and humans set out to defeat a rogue space CIA agent named Saren, succeeding in doing so and thereby saving the galaxy. Two years passed, and Shepard is recruited by an organization known as Cerberus for the purpose of defeating the Collectors - a race of mysterious beings kidnapping humans from colonies all over the galaxy. To successfully perform the assumed suicide mission, Shepard gathers a team of all backgrounds and specialties to help stop the Collector threat.
Mordin Solus, a salarian scientist, is recruited to do research on the Collectors and equipment upgrades for the mission. Though he may look like a wimpy doctor, Mordin served in a salarian Special Tasks Group - he can handle himself, and a gun, perfectly well in combat. Friendly and incredibly intelligent, Mordin also offers comic relief with his offhanded remarks and lack of mental filter as he talks away; he’s not concerned with your squeamishness nor your attention span. He has the soul of a mad scientist and an analytical eye, but does have a sense of ethics; even though he believes the ends justify the means, he still wants to avoid senseless death and pain and help people instead.
As a note, Mordin’s verbal tic involves speaking in sentence fragments and rambling, thinking out loud and answering his own questions. He’s described as “a hamster on coffee.”
Sample Post:
Inter-dimensional crossover point. Fascinating. Strange place to put it, Earth farmland not ideal for all species. Corn also not ideal food supply for all species. Considering amount of humans present, curious that Director did not plant grain instead. Still, potential use for “camp” as hub between dimensions. Incredible possibilities. Space already vast and complex, many species, but worlds beyond may add even more.
Therefore, more species to intermingle and attempt romance or fornication! Can get very complicated, various barriers in place. Anatomical, biological, psychological, cultural. But no need to worry. Questions, concerns, advice, all available from trained medical professional. Confidentially guaranteed. Have plenty of experience dealing with inter-species relationships - have encountered many races, many tastes, many problems both biological and medical. Hope to make camper and counselor experiences not awkward. Enjoyable! Purple primates and reanimated human corpses holding hands, travelling together in direction of quarters… unless privacy not required by personal preference.
Marcy in particular allows little privacy. Can’t have closed quarters when trapped in silo. However, most of body made up of many tentacles. Aware some have a fetish for the flexibility of such appendages. If desire to make positive contact with Marcy, suggest slow approach. Large appendages make for difficulty adjusting, best not to create serious injury or death. Approach with caution - Marcy is very aggressive in making contact with camp population. Mostly unwanted advances, causes psychological trauma and sudden camper transformation into a small fuzzy animal… problematic for camper more than Marcy.
If Marcy not ideal, possibly pursue relations with a gorilla. Much closer to humans genetically and physiologically, and not constrained to single area. Can hold hands with, if so desired. Lack same flexibility as Marcy, but not entirely rigid. Caution, however, since like Marcy the gorillas have been observed to be very… rough when handling campers. Do carry common human ecto and endoparasites - mites and ticks main concern. Recommend medical examination after, just in case.
If all goes well, would offer oils or ointments to aid… but am aware of ban on sexual activity. Keep in mind to avoid potential disappointment and frustration. Can provide oils for taking care of frustration in private. If concerned about receiving advice from non-human species, re-consider racism. Wish you luck! Very excited to see outcome of encounters - new diseases to study, new transfer vectors, new allergic reactions to fluids. Looking forward to making the best of time spent here, doing research... where no salarian has gone before.
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Character: Chuck Shurley
Series: Supernatural
Age: Late 30s
Job: Creative Writing Instructor
Canon: Chuck Shurley (pen name Carver Edlund) is a struggling writer who's responsible for an unsuccessful series of urban fantasy novels about the exploits of two brothers--Sam and Dean--as they struggle to save the world from the apocalypse. Much like Salinger, Chuck is hermetic and cut off from the world. He spends most of his time drinking, having headaches, and being hit by sudden, divine inspiration.
Literally.
For you see, Chuck is no ordinary writer. He is a prophet of the Lord, who channels the divine word into what will one day be called the Gospel of Winchester. And while this may sound glamorous, Chuck is still broke, bitter, and hounded by his over-dedicated fans. He takes all of this with good (if dry) humor, a put-upon demeanor, and a healthy (?) amount of alcohol.
His favorite movie is Beaches.
Okay, so--RavynDarkFyre92. That's a . . . lovely pen name. It really goes with your, uh--decaying flesh. I guess. But you're my student. I'm here to enrich. So, let's see what you've got for the first assignment. The prompt was bunnies and this is--Ravyn Darkfyre and the Chamber of Brains. Okay. Well, I know a lot of very talented young writers who have started off with, uh, fan works, so that's fine. This doesn't have any incest, does it? I get that a lot with fans. No? Great.
Let's see, right here in the first sentence, you've got a typo. And I'm not sure why your character is speaking in Japanese? That's a little confusing. Oh, wait, they're in a zombie wizard school in Hokkaido. Well, I guess I haven't seen that before. I . . . applaud your creativity, but I think you might have trouble finding an audience. Believe me, this genre stuff? It doesn't always sell. And when it does, it's still not quite how you pictured. But I guess you have to follow your heart.
--No, you don't have to throw it anywhere. That's fine. I was being metaphorical. Just remember that if this is what you love doing, you can do it. This is your first try! It's very strong for a beginner.
Hey, don't get upset! It's not like my first drafts are perfect--far from it! I mean, after the headache and the booze, you should see what kind of crap I write the first time through. That's why it's so important to look over your work. You can still come out with some stinkers, but nobody's perfect. I admit, the racist truck was a miscalculation. But that wasn't totally my fault.
But enough about me, this is about you. I think that the intense focus on eating brains is going to be a turn-off for your, well, human audience. It's not really something a lot of people can relate to. And I don't know if Ravyn's relationship with Harry Cullen is really developing naturally. I mean, it's the first day of school, he thinks she's kawaii, and now they are omg in tur luv by third period? It's a lot to process. And it's not required, but I can't help but notice you really didn't do anything with the prompt.
--Oh, you're right. There they are. Eating a bunny. Well. That's--great. Just what I was hoping for.
Anyway! That's really coming along. For the next draft, I want you to focus on spelling and grammar and really developing their relationship. Have you seen When Harry Met Sally? That slow build is just beautiful to watch.
Okay, who's next? Yes--Teal Deer? Wow, you've got a lot. Oh, that's--part one of twenty-nine. Fantastic. Let's get started.
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Character: Kenneth Parcell
Series: 30 Rock
Age: Appears to be in his 20’s. It’s implied that he could be a whole lot older.
Job: Senior Page
Canon: Welcome to 30 Rockefeller Plaza, the home of many an American TV show. In this cornerstone of American television, one Liz Lemon serves as the head writer for a live sketch comedy show - in the same vein as Saturday Night Live - called TGS with Tracy Jordan. One of the few properly sane people that she knows, it’s Liz’s job to make sure that everything runs smoothly. A rather mammoth task, given not only the eccentricities of the members of her cast and fellow writers, but also that of her boss Jack Donaghy.
Kenneth Parcell is a page working for NBC, and is literally the nicest person you will ever meet. Kind, self-sacrificing, optimistic, idealistic - you name it. There is nothing in this world that can make Kenneth lose his smile for all too long. He was raised in a very large, conservative Christian family in rural Georgia, and he learned most of what he knows about the outside world from watching television. So, needless to say, he has an incredibly unique perspective on pretty much everything; he’s downright backward about some things, but very enlightened about others. In any case, Kenneth loves pretty much everybody and everything, and he especially loves to make other people happy.
Sample Post:
Why hello there, everyone! My name’s Kenneth Parcell. Today, I'll be your tour guide, showing you all the wonderful sights at Camp Love You Jesus! I will have ask that all of you keep close to the group at all times, because wanderers are liable to be taken by the Hill People. And that - pardon my strong language - would be upsetting for all of us.
As you can see, we here at Camp Love You Jesus live on a farm! It’s a lot different than the farm I grew up on, to be sure, but nothing in the world is quite like home. We don’t really have any of the traditional types of farm animals here, like pigs and racoons, but we do have a whole bunch of interesting critters to make up for it! If you look a ways past the corn, for example, you can see our very own purple-back gorillas. I’ll advise you all to be careful not to step in their “little presents”, ‘cause they’ll stain your shoes as blue as the boil on my uncle’s nose.
At this point, ladies and gentlemen, I will have to ask you to stay a good distance away from the next attraction. See those pretty ‘ol tentacles coming out of that barn? That’s another one of our wonderful and unique animals! Now, Marcy can get a bit over-excited - just like my mom’s friend Ron used to get when he came over after drinking too much - which is why it’s best to keep out of reach of her arms. But Camp just wouldn’t be the same without her! Why, Camp without Marcy would be like a pie without squirrel meat, or a clown without a midget, or the Brady Bunch without Florence Henderson! That is to say, it wouldn’t be Camp at all.
Our final stop on the tour will be the Mess Hall, which is that cheerful building coming up on your right. We have a complimentary reception waiting for all of you folks, so please feel free to help yourselves to whatever you like. It’s Tuesday today, so I personally recommend the soup - it reminds me of my grandma’s special stew, which she only ever made when people came to visit from out of town. Come to think of it, we never actually had any of ‘em over for dinner, but I guess my grandma always made it just in case!
So this is where I say goodbye, and that I hope you all enjoyed the tour. I know I certainly did! If you have any more questions, I’m afraid that you’ll have ask them now, since I have to go out and about making sure the Hill People don’t eat any of your brains.
Is that all? In that case, y’all have a wonderful day!
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