(no subject)
BABY'S FIRST TIME POSTING. Unlike Luffy, I took off my pants to post this. Have some sexy counsellors, with a surprise dup at the end!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Done like dinner.
Character: Jack (Subject Zero)
Series: Mass Effect 2
Character Age: ~24
Job: Poetry Instructor
Canon: Commander Shepard: the first human to be admitted to the elite force of agents keeping galactic peace through any means necessary. After saving the galaxy once and being killed for the trouble, Shepard is revived through the mad science of an underground organization known as Cerberus, as the only person capable of facing down a threat that is abducting entire human colonies without a trace. Shepard must join forces with Cerberus and use their information and resources to recruit a team of the best, regardless of their background, so they have a chance of returning alive from a dangerous suicide mission and saving the galaxy once again.
Jack, also known as "Subject Zero", is probably the most powerful human biotic-a term for those with the native ability to use mass effect fields, essentially telekinesis. She gained that skill at the price of being abducted, implanted with physical modifications, tortured, forced to fight to the death with other children, and conditioned to love violence by Cerberus agents. After a riot in the facility where she was kept, she killed nearly everyone there-doctors, guards and other captive children alike-and escaped. Jack is angry, defensive and volatile, but she's willing to work with Shepard and Cerberus if it gets her out of prison and gets her the information she needs for revenge. Persistent interest allows Shepard to see her more vulnerable side, and spying on her extranet history allows Shepard to see her rejected submissions of free-verse poetry.
Sample Entry:
Are you shitting me? Fucking poetry? You dragged me out to the ass-end of Earth for that?! This place has got to be at least a day's drive from the nearest shuttle port... but don't you even think that'll stop me if I decide I want out. And I do want out. There's no way I'm sticking around some stinking farmland to be a poetry instructor, no matter how many freakshow undead there are for me to tear apart in the meantime.
I mean, what the fuck is this? Is this supposed to be some new touchy-feely kind of training camp? Get the kids to gun down creeps in the morning, learn to properly express their feelings in the afternoon? Because let me tell you, it's not going to work. When they get out into the real world, the kids who've been gunning down creeps all day will kill them the first chance they get. Every time.
Or maybe the freaks aren't supposed to be here, and it's just my timing being fucking excellent as usual that I'm here to blow them away. Well, I'll certainly do you that favor. That's what I'm good at, not this sentimental shit. I think you've made a fundamental fucking error in your recruitment if you think I'm the one you want.
Or do you think this is going to be some touching scene from a cheap-ass vid, the kind chumps who haven't set foot out of their pre-fab colony watch to feel better about themselves? Get the broken girl together with a bunch of snotty kids and together they'll learn the true meaning of friendship? Fuck that. I'll mow down your zombies with your damn antique shotgun, and when I run out of ammo-who needs fucking ammo?-I'll put the barrel through their heads myself, and when I'm done with that I'll shove it up your ass if you think I'm sitting down for that. Then maybe the kids will really learn something-what happens when you fuck with people like me.
Besides, it's not like I've ever had a fucking writing class. The only meter I know is the distance your brain will splatter when I crush your head with my bare hands.
Poll Vote!
Character: Ianto Jones
Series: Torchwood
Character Age: 25
Job: Head of Archives
Canon: Torchwood is an institute dedicated to hunting/capturing/and basically doing whatever needs to be done to protect the world from alien threats. With multiple branches around, the one focused on is Torchwood Three, in Cardiff, where there is a rift in time and space, which is basically a hotspot for all sorts of creatures, alien technology and things to tumble through.
When Ianto first joined this particular branch of Torchwood it was for more personal reasons that endangered a lot of people, but also demonstrated how sly and cunning he could be. Things fell through in a bad way and now he works for Torchwood because he wants too, not because he needs to use them anymore. He is committed to the team though(especially the leader, Jack Harkness), is an integral part of it now, and while generally more reserved, if they are put in danger he is not hesitant to draw arms. He does it all, cleaning, getting food, always having coffee at the ready, a diary of the days events, getting ammunition, catching pteranodons with chocolate bars, tasering, shooting rowdy employees, snark, keeping archives up to date, easily accessible, and in order, and knowing more about Torchwood than probably the rest of the team.
Sample Post:
Right then, I suppose you're all here because you volunteered or more likely, judging from your happy faces, were volunteered to help out with the archives, yes? Looking at the state of these... I don't even know how they're considered archives, and the number of you here, even if you in the wrong place, congratulations, you get to stay here for the thrill of fighting off a cow for a piece of paper. Don't ask me why anyone thought a barn was a good place to keep records of camp ongoings, I'm still trying to understand why they thought this camp was a good place to keep kids. I don't know how they expect to look after children when they can't even simply buy a few shelving units or appropriate filing storage equipment, section off areas, alphabetize the files, code and tag them, add in cross referencing if need be, and neatly store them away in their related sections. Easy.
All right, let's break this down into groups; you four there, start collecting the papers and files off the ground, hayloft, cows, walls... are those files up in the rafters? Are you kidding me? Okay, you, no, I would not be pointing unmistakably and directly at you if I meant the person to your right, don't try to get out of your job. I want you to figure out about getting those papers up there down. Don't hurt yourself though... Of course judging by the state of this camp I can't say they would care much if someone fell from the rafters. They're practically giving out lawsuits with camp running like this. There were even zombies running around outside. Call them "friendly" if you want, but nothing that friendly has eyed me that hungrily before... well possibly with the exception of a certain boss. Ahem, anyway, be careful of the rafters and be careful of the zombies, come to think of it I'd be wary of the livestock in here as well. Again, I'm not fond of being looked at as a meal.
Okay, the rest of you will stay here, and we'll begin categorizing and sorting the files we have... and probably protecting them. Johnny, was it? Watch that cow coming up behind you, I don't like the way she's looking at our files. Now let's get to--Johnny! What did I just say? The corn here has better ears. You know, when I've said it's good to be hungry for information, I don't mean that literally. Nor am I generally talking about the livestock. Get that out her mouth and let me have it.... Well, that's brilliant, at least we managed to save the peice of that file that says 'Classified.' I'm sure that would've been a helpful and important. One of you go find some rope, so we can tie the livestock up and out the way; I don't want anything like that happening again.
Oh good, looks like we actually have more volunt...zombies. Now there are zombies coming in here.... and opening the main doors, where the gusty winds, and those shoddy birds can come right in and help ruin progress even faster.
...We have a pteranodon, multiple hostile creatures around, generally run into some major destruction frequently and yet I think keeping the archives up to date back home is still less chaotic. It's getting easier and easier to see why this job was available.
Poll Vote!
Character: Varric of the noble House Tethras
Series: Dragon Age II
Age:… Err, certainly not camper age.
Job: Resident Storytelling, Information Gathering Dwarf
Canon: Welcome to the world of Thedas - and, more specifically, to the city of Kirkwall. Dragon Age II follows Hawke, who, when the family's home village of Lothering comes under demon attack, flees and ends up over the years becoming the Champion of Kirkwall, and the one constant in a city forever undergoing change. One can only assume that becoming a city’s Champion involves sticking one’s nose into all your requisite social issues, including mage rights, racism against elves, military occupation… and ham-handedly trying to ‘solve’ them. Also, by dragon/demon slaying and generally having gonads the side of melons.
And on that note, enter Varric, our story’s narrator and a companion of Hawke’s. An eager storyteller, Varric is either a prolific liar or merely a little prone to exaggeration depending on who you’re talking to. He may seem at first glance to simply be the layabout, disillusioned younger brother of noted merchant Bartrand Tethras, with whom his relationship is usually rather prickly, but in actuality is the eyes and ears of his brother’s - and later Hawke’s - whole operation in Kirkwall. His time spent boozing and basically gossiping in the local tavern (which he literally lives in) is how he not only knows ‘everyone worth knowing’ in Kirkwall, but also how he knows virtually everything going down at any one time, which is very useful when the family business is the subject of repeated espionage and assassination attempts. His weapons of choice are his beloved crossbow, Bianca, and a sharp-as-knives wit. Although he’d maybe like to pretend his loyalty and friendliness are a veneer over a ~rock hard, cold as ice~ disposition, honestly, he’s a softy.
Note: Andraste is the Thedan religion version of Jesus and the Maker is God. Also - yes, Varric nicknames pretty much everyone.
Sample:
So there I was, knee deep in blood and guts and that… gooey stuff that comes out of a man’s eyeballs when you catch him right in that area, Bianca earning her keep wonderfully, and I don’t mind telling you that the smell of these mercenaries was enough to curl my chest hair. And I lived with Bartrand. I must have downed at least 30 of the thugs and Maker only knows how many more were swarming all around me, but you can bet your last tentacle I wasn’t going to go down without a damned good fight. After all, I couldn’t bear to disappoint…
… Andraste’s enhanced cleavage, Fluffy, if you’re not going to listen, there’s no point in telling the story. And keep those tentacles off the duster while we’re at it. I know it’s difficult - it is made of the finest, most supple leathers in all Thedas - but we’ve all got our burdens. Anyway, to cut a long story needlessly short, here I am in this little refugee camp of Elizabeth Sayre’s entirely against my will. I don’t know that kidnapping random - if brilliant at what they do - dwarves is the way to go about creating the perfect Blight refugee camp. And your actual refugees are looking distinctly worse for wear, I hate to tell you. Next time Serah Sayre tries saving people, pre-death is a good place to start. And if you need me here to tell you that, you’ve got more problems than I can solve.
And on that note, let’s get down to business. When I told Serah Sayre that the first step to knowing every in and out of her little camping project was hiring me, I was drunk. I’m not sure if she noticed this, but I sit in a tavern and tell stories for a living. It’s what I do. I lie. I’m usually drunk when I do it. And until I can convince the good lady that my time is better spent anywhere but here, I’ll be in your local tavern telling stories for a living. I guess if I’m getting paid to do-oh wait, I’m not even getting paid. Wonderful. I can tell why you have to kidnap your staff, Serah, wherever you might be.
And no one has to tell me - I know all about your bartering system and a certain rule involving the F in CFUD, and I’m distinctly unimpressed. You need help. Desperately. The less said about the blighted bartering, the better - I can just imagine my dearest brother’s full blown aneurysm at the very thought - and in the name of the Maker’s left testicle, is it really good business acumen to make a camp and name it after the one thing you can’t do? Just a question - I’m throwing it out there. Someone has to.
Never mind, Fluffy. Given the choice between discussing business with a handsy tentacled creature and a slowly rotting pile of limbs with a one word vocabulary, just give me some nose plugs and I’ll be right over there.
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Name: Barnaby Brooks Jr. (aka Bunny)
Series: Tiger & Bunny
Age: Early 20s
Job: Unofficial Camp Hero
Canon:
Not every superhero can have a nice cushy reporter job, or own their own multinational corporation; in order to go through life as a professional super hero, the heroes of Sternbild City use the same tactic as NASCAR: Sponsorship and a TV show devoted to them. With their sponsors paying for collateral damage and making sure their heroes stay fit and well, they’re free to save the day and keep their real identities a secret. That is, until one Barnaby Brooks Jr. announces himself as a superhero and teams up with an old veteran for some new and exciting marketing opportunities! But Barnaby isn’t the only one changing how the city sees its heroes - new villains and dangerous criminal organizations are putting the lives and livelihoods of Sternbild’s heroes in jeopardy.
Barnaby might be the first one out of the super hero closet, but his life is hardly an open book. He allows the press to see his charming, calm, outer self while keeping his true feelings to himself. Which isn’t to say he can’t express himself; being forced to partner with Wild Tiger causes Barnaby some annoyance and he does not hesitate to tell Tiger exactly how he feels. Barnaby might be more outgoing and friendly if he wasn’t completely consumed by a personal quest that takes up 100% of his non-crime fighting time with research both online and offline. Really, Barnaby does care, it’s just not easy to get through his tough outer shell to the creamy, caring inside.
(Barnaby’s NEXT super power is a limited ability to increase his strength, speed and stamina)
Sample:
Mr. Limbless, I understand this is somewhat short notice considering I’m supposed to be teaching those “children” in 10 minutes but I really have to take issue with some of these items. First of all, this contract was supposed to be temporary. I’m “on loan from Hero TV”, not changing my affiliation permanently. As I recall this was all supposed to be a publicity stunt meant to test new markets for Hero TV. In light of which I would like the phrase “we will keep him until he is no longer any fun” to be stricken from the contract.
Secondly, and most importantly, I do not need a “super name”. I’m perfectly fine with having people know my real name, and I shouldn’t have to tell you that there is no dignity if fighting crime as “Bunnyman.” And before you say it, the same goes for “Carrot Avenger”, I think that black and yellow logo that goes with it might even be considered copyright infringement. Please take care of these things as soon as possible. I had other problems but it looks like I have a gaggle of students shuffling this way and I really should be in costume when I greet them.
Alright, students, please quiet down and listen. The Camp Fuck You Die Hero School is officially open, and your many colorful t-shirts celebrating the occasion are surprisingly appropriate for the occasion. I suppose that is a good enough way to introduce my first lesson: costumes. While camouflage is helpful for military men and spies, a heroes needs to be bold and brash and stand out in a crowd. It can also be a great way to attract potential sponsors, which it looks like most of you desperately need. Please tell me the occasional loss of limbs is a NEXT power I have yet to hear about. I suppose not all of us can be gifted with something traditionally useful, and I know there is a place for every hero. Every hero has a use. Yes, even someone dripping with grey goo. Is that really a power?
Okay, settle down, settle down! There’s more than enough time for me to see each of you show off individually. Especially if I’m going to be here “indefinitely”. This is getting a little out of hand, if it gets much worse I’m afraid you’re going to start eating each other, or worse, me. If you’re all going to be heroes, you need to make sure you’re organized enough to actually be able to save people. That and the patience to wait our turn, you can’t always run headlong into something, that’s how my partner gets into trouble. I will not allow all of you to go on like children who can’t wait their turn!
We clearly have a lot of work ahead of us.
Applicant #2
Character: Barnaby "Bunny" Brooks Jr.
Series: Tiger & Bunny
Character Age: 24
Job: Trainer and Advisor for Fledgling HERO prospectives.
Canon: Welcome to the city of Stern Bild, where everything can be made into a profitable business, even crime fighting. HERO TV, the most popular reality show, features NEXT, humans with mutations that give them superhuman (special) abilities, who fight crime on live TV. These heroes also act as human billboards, with sponsorship logos plastered all over their costumes. They accumulate points based on heroic acts and the one with the most points get crowned as the King of Heroes.
Barnaby Brooks Jr is the new up-and-comer of this season's HERO TV and is paired with Wild Tiger as the first superhero duo team as part of a publicity stunt. Barnaby is cool and calculating, as well as being usually level-headed, a stark contrast contrast to his partner's reckless persona. At first glance, Barnaby in public is more pleasant, cheerful and humble, grateful for fan support. He's ambitious and goal-driven, and likes to be at the top of the leaderboard for points. His public face is different from who he really is in private; a broken, disgruntled person who constantly has nightmares of his parents' deaths, and who is obsessed about finding a mysterious crime organization responsible for that tragedy. In short, he is Japan's answer to Batman, except in a red and hot pink outfit. It is Tiger who eventually teaches him to open up from his isolated loner personality and trust other people, though that is a work in progress.
note: Barnaby is taken prior to the time skip of episode 14.
Sample Post:
Excuse me, the name is Barnaby Brooks Jr. BAR-NA-BY, not Bunny-Man, and certainly not Batman, as this name tag indicates. Did Wild Tiger put you up to this? Since I already have your attention, I suppose now is a good time to introduce myself as your official Hero trainee advisor. The producers of Hero TV asked me to come here to this... exotic location of yours for a new side project. At first I declined, after all, doing so would have taken me out of the action in Stern Bild, and we all know Heroes don't take vacations. But there comes a time where you have contractual obligations you can't renege on, and you have to do what they want you to. In this case, it meant venturing out to the vast... rural wheat fields to come here as an instructor for you all.
I'm sure you've asked yourself; what makes a Hero? For some people, simply having a NEXT ability that can help you fight crime is enough. I've heard some of you came into your powers in very... unique ways. Now it's not really important how you get these abilities. Whether it's due to an accidental bite from a radioactive arachnid, being subjected to secret government experiments, or building yourself a battle suit of epic proportions, your origin is secondary to being a Hero. You truly need drive and a sense of justice to go forth and put yourself in harm's way to protect the innocent people of your fair city. Most importantly, being a Hero requires a clear and alert mind, in addition to having a good heart.
-- Sir, put your heart back in your chest, that's not what I meant. Is... is that your ability? Being able to pull out internal organs and throwing them at your adversary would definitely cause someone to stop in surprise, but to be honest, there isn't much you can do after. And you'd be missing a lung. It seems like you're already suffering some side effects, though I thought you'd be more blue in the face, not green. Perhaps... we can discuss what would be the a better career option for you besides chucking livers and kidneys at people.
On that note, being a Hero seems like a daunting process now, and I can assure you that not everyone has what it takes to be successful. Few will rise to the occasion, and many will give up. But for those who do make it, you should remember one important thing. Above all, a hero should know what kind of image he wants to portray. To be the King of Heroes, one has to be likable and intriguing to the public. Initial impressions do count, and the public will always see your costume (or battlesuit) of choice first. Not only does it have to be unique to yourself, it should be able to strike fear into the heart of evil-doers and be stylishly functional with enough blank space for those corporate sponsorship logos. Without them, we really couldn't pay for all the property damage accidentally incurred on the job. Spandex is not always the answer, especially since it's not always flattering... though I agree that it would hold in those stomach entrails dangling out of you right now. And that lady's arm dangling by a muscle. And that fine gentleman's giant gaping chest wound.
Something tells me that you guys are more innocent victim material than actual Heroes, huh.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Done like dinner.
Character: Jack (Subject Zero)
Series: Mass Effect 2
Character Age: ~24
Job: Poetry Instructor
Canon: Commander Shepard: the first human to be admitted to the elite force of agents keeping galactic peace through any means necessary. After saving the galaxy once and being killed for the trouble, Shepard is revived through the mad science of an underground organization known as Cerberus, as the only person capable of facing down a threat that is abducting entire human colonies without a trace. Shepard must join forces with Cerberus and use their information and resources to recruit a team of the best, regardless of their background, so they have a chance of returning alive from a dangerous suicide mission and saving the galaxy once again.
Jack, also known as "Subject Zero", is probably the most powerful human biotic-a term for those with the native ability to use mass effect fields, essentially telekinesis. She gained that skill at the price of being abducted, implanted with physical modifications, tortured, forced to fight to the death with other children, and conditioned to love violence by Cerberus agents. After a riot in the facility where she was kept, she killed nearly everyone there-doctors, guards and other captive children alike-and escaped. Jack is angry, defensive and volatile, but she's willing to work with Shepard and Cerberus if it gets her out of prison and gets her the information she needs for revenge. Persistent interest allows Shepard to see her more vulnerable side, and spying on her extranet history allows Shepard to see her rejected submissions of free-verse poetry.
Sample Entry:
Are you shitting me? Fucking poetry? You dragged me out to the ass-end of Earth for that?! This place has got to be at least a day's drive from the nearest shuttle port... but don't you even think that'll stop me if I decide I want out. And I do want out. There's no way I'm sticking around some stinking farmland to be a poetry instructor, no matter how many freakshow undead there are for me to tear apart in the meantime.
I mean, what the fuck is this? Is this supposed to be some new touchy-feely kind of training camp? Get the kids to gun down creeps in the morning, learn to properly express their feelings in the afternoon? Because let me tell you, it's not going to work. When they get out into the real world, the kids who've been gunning down creeps all day will kill them the first chance they get. Every time.
Or maybe the freaks aren't supposed to be here, and it's just my timing being fucking excellent as usual that I'm here to blow them away. Well, I'll certainly do you that favor. That's what I'm good at, not this sentimental shit. I think you've made a fundamental fucking error in your recruitment if you think I'm the one you want.
Or do you think this is going to be some touching scene from a cheap-ass vid, the kind chumps who haven't set foot out of their pre-fab colony watch to feel better about themselves? Get the broken girl together with a bunch of snotty kids and together they'll learn the true meaning of friendship? Fuck that. I'll mow down your zombies with your damn antique shotgun, and when I run out of ammo-who needs fucking ammo?-I'll put the barrel through their heads myself, and when I'm done with that I'll shove it up your ass if you think I'm sitting down for that. Then maybe the kids will really learn something-what happens when you fuck with people like me.
Besides, it's not like I've ever had a fucking writing class. The only meter I know is the distance your brain will splatter when I crush your head with my bare hands.
Poll Vote!
Character: Ianto Jones
Series: Torchwood
Character Age: 25
Job: Head of Archives
Canon: Torchwood is an institute dedicated to hunting/capturing/and basically doing whatever needs to be done to protect the world from alien threats. With multiple branches around, the one focused on is Torchwood Three, in Cardiff, where there is a rift in time and space, which is basically a hotspot for all sorts of creatures, alien technology and things to tumble through.
When Ianto first joined this particular branch of Torchwood it was for more personal reasons that endangered a lot of people, but also demonstrated how sly and cunning he could be. Things fell through in a bad way and now he works for Torchwood because he wants too, not because he needs to use them anymore. He is committed to the team though(especially the leader, Jack Harkness), is an integral part of it now, and while generally more reserved, if they are put in danger he is not hesitant to draw arms. He does it all, cleaning, getting food, always having coffee at the ready, a diary of the days events, getting ammunition, catching pteranodons with chocolate bars, tasering, shooting rowdy employees, snark, keeping archives up to date, easily accessible, and in order, and knowing more about Torchwood than probably the rest of the team.
Sample Post:
Right then, I suppose you're all here because you volunteered or more likely, judging from your happy faces, were volunteered to help out with the archives, yes? Looking at the state of these... I don't even know how they're considered archives, and the number of you here, even if you in the wrong place, congratulations, you get to stay here for the thrill of fighting off a cow for a piece of paper. Don't ask me why anyone thought a barn was a good place to keep records of camp ongoings, I'm still trying to understand why they thought this camp was a good place to keep kids. I don't know how they expect to look after children when they can't even simply buy a few shelving units or appropriate filing storage equipment, section off areas, alphabetize the files, code and tag them, add in cross referencing if need be, and neatly store them away in their related sections. Easy.
All right, let's break this down into groups; you four there, start collecting the papers and files off the ground, hayloft, cows, walls... are those files up in the rafters? Are you kidding me? Okay, you, no, I would not be pointing unmistakably and directly at you if I meant the person to your right, don't try to get out of your job. I want you to figure out about getting those papers up there down. Don't hurt yourself though... Of course judging by the state of this camp I can't say they would care much if someone fell from the rafters. They're practically giving out lawsuits with camp running like this. There were even zombies running around outside. Call them "friendly" if you want, but nothing that friendly has eyed me that hungrily before... well possibly with the exception of a certain boss. Ahem, anyway, be careful of the rafters and be careful of the zombies, come to think of it I'd be wary of the livestock in here as well. Again, I'm not fond of being looked at as a meal.
Okay, the rest of you will stay here, and we'll begin categorizing and sorting the files we have... and probably protecting them. Johnny, was it? Watch that cow coming up behind you, I don't like the way she's looking at our files. Now let's get to--Johnny! What did I just say? The corn here has better ears. You know, when I've said it's good to be hungry for information, I don't mean that literally. Nor am I generally talking about the livestock. Get that out her mouth and let me have it.... Well, that's brilliant, at least we managed to save the peice of that file that says 'Classified.' I'm sure that would've been a helpful and important. One of you go find some rope, so we can tie the livestock up and out the way; I don't want anything like that happening again.
Oh good, looks like we actually have more volunt...zombies. Now there are zombies coming in here.... and opening the main doors, where the gusty winds, and those shoddy birds can come right in and help ruin progress even faster.
...We have a pteranodon, multiple hostile creatures around, generally run into some major destruction frequently and yet I think keeping the archives up to date back home is still less chaotic. It's getting easier and easier to see why this job was available.
Poll Vote!
Character: Varric of the noble House Tethras
Series: Dragon Age II
Age:… Err, certainly not camper age.
Job: Resident Storytelling, Information Gathering Dwarf
Canon: Welcome to the world of Thedas - and, more specifically, to the city of Kirkwall. Dragon Age II follows Hawke, who, when the family's home village of Lothering comes under demon attack, flees and ends up over the years becoming the Champion of Kirkwall, and the one constant in a city forever undergoing change. One can only assume that becoming a city’s Champion involves sticking one’s nose into all your requisite social issues, including mage rights, racism against elves, military occupation… and ham-handedly trying to ‘solve’ them. Also, by dragon/demon slaying and generally having gonads the side of melons.
And on that note, enter Varric, our story’s narrator and a companion of Hawke’s. An eager storyteller, Varric is either a prolific liar or merely a little prone to exaggeration depending on who you’re talking to. He may seem at first glance to simply be the layabout, disillusioned younger brother of noted merchant Bartrand Tethras, with whom his relationship is usually rather prickly, but in actuality is the eyes and ears of his brother’s - and later Hawke’s - whole operation in Kirkwall. His time spent boozing and basically gossiping in the local tavern (which he literally lives in) is how he not only knows ‘everyone worth knowing’ in Kirkwall, but also how he knows virtually everything going down at any one time, which is very useful when the family business is the subject of repeated espionage and assassination attempts. His weapons of choice are his beloved crossbow, Bianca, and a sharp-as-knives wit. Although he’d maybe like to pretend his loyalty and friendliness are a veneer over a ~rock hard, cold as ice~ disposition, honestly, he’s a softy.
Note: Andraste is the Thedan religion version of Jesus and the Maker is God. Also - yes, Varric nicknames pretty much everyone.
Sample:
So there I was, knee deep in blood and guts and that… gooey stuff that comes out of a man’s eyeballs when you catch him right in that area, Bianca earning her keep wonderfully, and I don’t mind telling you that the smell of these mercenaries was enough to curl my chest hair. And I lived with Bartrand. I must have downed at least 30 of the thugs and Maker only knows how many more were swarming all around me, but you can bet your last tentacle I wasn’t going to go down without a damned good fight. After all, I couldn’t bear to disappoint…
… Andraste’s enhanced cleavage, Fluffy, if you’re not going to listen, there’s no point in telling the story. And keep those tentacles off the duster while we’re at it. I know it’s difficult - it is made of the finest, most supple leathers in all Thedas - but we’ve all got our burdens. Anyway, to cut a long story needlessly short, here I am in this little refugee camp of Elizabeth Sayre’s entirely against my will. I don’t know that kidnapping random - if brilliant at what they do - dwarves is the way to go about creating the perfect Blight refugee camp. And your actual refugees are looking distinctly worse for wear, I hate to tell you. Next time Serah Sayre tries saving people, pre-death is a good place to start. And if you need me here to tell you that, you’ve got more problems than I can solve.
And on that note, let’s get down to business. When I told Serah Sayre that the first step to knowing every in and out of her little camping project was hiring me, I was drunk. I’m not sure if she noticed this, but I sit in a tavern and tell stories for a living. It’s what I do. I lie. I’m usually drunk when I do it. And until I can convince the good lady that my time is better spent anywhere but here, I’ll be in your local tavern telling stories for a living. I guess if I’m getting paid to do-oh wait, I’m not even getting paid. Wonderful. I can tell why you have to kidnap your staff, Serah, wherever you might be.
And no one has to tell me - I know all about your bartering system and a certain rule involving the F in CFUD, and I’m distinctly unimpressed. You need help. Desperately. The less said about the blighted bartering, the better - I can just imagine my dearest brother’s full blown aneurysm at the very thought - and in the name of the Maker’s left testicle, is it really good business acumen to make a camp and name it after the one thing you can’t do? Just a question - I’m throwing it out there. Someone has to.
Never mind, Fluffy. Given the choice between discussing business with a handsy tentacled creature and a slowly rotting pile of limbs with a one word vocabulary, just give me some nose plugs and I’ll be right over there.
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Name: Barnaby Brooks Jr. (aka Bunny)
Series: Tiger & Bunny
Age: Early 20s
Job: Unofficial Camp Hero
Canon:
Not every superhero can have a nice cushy reporter job, or own their own multinational corporation; in order to go through life as a professional super hero, the heroes of Sternbild City use the same tactic as NASCAR: Sponsorship and a TV show devoted to them. With their sponsors paying for collateral damage and making sure their heroes stay fit and well, they’re free to save the day and keep their real identities a secret. That is, until one Barnaby Brooks Jr. announces himself as a superhero and teams up with an old veteran for some new and exciting marketing opportunities! But Barnaby isn’t the only one changing how the city sees its heroes - new villains and dangerous criminal organizations are putting the lives and livelihoods of Sternbild’s heroes in jeopardy.
Barnaby might be the first one out of the super hero closet, but his life is hardly an open book. He allows the press to see his charming, calm, outer self while keeping his true feelings to himself. Which isn’t to say he can’t express himself; being forced to partner with Wild Tiger causes Barnaby some annoyance and he does not hesitate to tell Tiger exactly how he feels. Barnaby might be more outgoing and friendly if he wasn’t completely consumed by a personal quest that takes up 100% of his non-crime fighting time with research both online and offline. Really, Barnaby does care, it’s just not easy to get through his tough outer shell to the creamy, caring inside.
(Barnaby’s NEXT super power is a limited ability to increase his strength, speed and stamina)
Sample:
Mr. Limbless, I understand this is somewhat short notice considering I’m supposed to be teaching those “children” in 10 minutes but I really have to take issue with some of these items. First of all, this contract was supposed to be temporary. I’m “on loan from Hero TV”, not changing my affiliation permanently. As I recall this was all supposed to be a publicity stunt meant to test new markets for Hero TV. In light of which I would like the phrase “we will keep him until he is no longer any fun” to be stricken from the contract.
Secondly, and most importantly, I do not need a “super name”. I’m perfectly fine with having people know my real name, and I shouldn’t have to tell you that there is no dignity if fighting crime as “Bunnyman.” And before you say it, the same goes for “Carrot Avenger”, I think that black and yellow logo that goes with it might even be considered copyright infringement. Please take care of these things as soon as possible. I had other problems but it looks like I have a gaggle of students shuffling this way and I really should be in costume when I greet them.
Alright, students, please quiet down and listen. The Camp Fuck You Die Hero School is officially open, and your many colorful t-shirts celebrating the occasion are surprisingly appropriate for the occasion. I suppose that is a good enough way to introduce my first lesson: costumes. While camouflage is helpful for military men and spies, a heroes needs to be bold and brash and stand out in a crowd. It can also be a great way to attract potential sponsors, which it looks like most of you desperately need. Please tell me the occasional loss of limbs is a NEXT power I have yet to hear about. I suppose not all of us can be gifted with something traditionally useful, and I know there is a place for every hero. Every hero has a use. Yes, even someone dripping with grey goo. Is that really a power?
Okay, settle down, settle down! There’s more than enough time for me to see each of you show off individually. Especially if I’m going to be here “indefinitely”. This is getting a little out of hand, if it gets much worse I’m afraid you’re going to start eating each other, or worse, me. If you’re all going to be heroes, you need to make sure you’re organized enough to actually be able to save people. That and the patience to wait our turn, you can’t always run headlong into something, that’s how my partner gets into trouble. I will not allow all of you to go on like children who can’t wait their turn!
We clearly have a lot of work ahead of us.
Applicant #2
Character: Barnaby "Bunny" Brooks Jr.
Series: Tiger & Bunny
Character Age: 24
Job: Trainer and Advisor for Fledgling HERO prospectives.
Canon: Welcome to the city of Stern Bild, where everything can be made into a profitable business, even crime fighting. HERO TV, the most popular reality show, features NEXT, humans with mutations that give them superhuman (special) abilities, who fight crime on live TV. These heroes also act as human billboards, with sponsorship logos plastered all over their costumes. They accumulate points based on heroic acts and the one with the most points get crowned as the King of Heroes.
Barnaby Brooks Jr is the new up-and-comer of this season's HERO TV and is paired with Wild Tiger as the first superhero duo team as part of a publicity stunt. Barnaby is cool and calculating, as well as being usually level-headed, a stark contrast contrast to his partner's reckless persona. At first glance, Barnaby in public is more pleasant, cheerful and humble, grateful for fan support. He's ambitious and goal-driven, and likes to be at the top of the leaderboard for points. His public face is different from who he really is in private; a broken, disgruntled person who constantly has nightmares of his parents' deaths, and who is obsessed about finding a mysterious crime organization responsible for that tragedy. In short, he is Japan's answer to Batman, except in a red and hot pink outfit. It is Tiger who eventually teaches him to open up from his isolated loner personality and trust other people, though that is a work in progress.
note: Barnaby is taken prior to the time skip of episode 14.
Sample Post:
Excuse me, the name is Barnaby Brooks Jr. BAR-NA-BY, not Bunny-Man, and certainly not Batman, as this name tag indicates. Did Wild Tiger put you up to this? Since I already have your attention, I suppose now is a good time to introduce myself as your official Hero trainee advisor. The producers of Hero TV asked me to come here to this... exotic location of yours for a new side project. At first I declined, after all, doing so would have taken me out of the action in Stern Bild, and we all know Heroes don't take vacations. But there comes a time where you have contractual obligations you can't renege on, and you have to do what they want you to. In this case, it meant venturing out to the vast... rural wheat fields to come here as an instructor for you all.
I'm sure you've asked yourself; what makes a Hero? For some people, simply having a NEXT ability that can help you fight crime is enough. I've heard some of you came into your powers in very... unique ways. Now it's not really important how you get these abilities. Whether it's due to an accidental bite from a radioactive arachnid, being subjected to secret government experiments, or building yourself a battle suit of epic proportions, your origin is secondary to being a Hero. You truly need drive and a sense of justice to go forth and put yourself in harm's way to protect the innocent people of your fair city. Most importantly, being a Hero requires a clear and alert mind, in addition to having a good heart.
-- Sir, put your heart back in your chest, that's not what I meant. Is... is that your ability? Being able to pull out internal organs and throwing them at your adversary would definitely cause someone to stop in surprise, but to be honest, there isn't much you can do after. And you'd be missing a lung. It seems like you're already suffering some side effects, though I thought you'd be more blue in the face, not green. Perhaps... we can discuss what would be the a better career option for you besides chucking livers and kidneys at people.
On that note, being a Hero seems like a daunting process now, and I can assure you that not everyone has what it takes to be successful. Few will rise to the occasion, and many will give up. But for those who do make it, you should remember one important thing. Above all, a hero should know what kind of image he wants to portray. To be the King of Heroes, one has to be likable and intriguing to the public. Initial impressions do count, and the public will always see your costume (or battlesuit) of choice first. Not only does it have to be unique to yourself, it should be able to strike fear into the heart of evil-doers and be stylishly functional with enough blank space for those corporate sponsorship logos. Without them, we really couldn't pay for all the property damage accidentally incurred on the job. Spandex is not always the answer, especially since it's not always flattering... though I agree that it would hold in those stomach entrails dangling out of you right now. And that lady's arm dangling by a muscle. And that fine gentleman's giant gaping chest wound.
Something tells me that you guys are more innocent victim material than actual Heroes, huh.
Poll Vote!