(no subject)
It's app weekend, you guys! AHHHHHHH HAVE SOME COUNSELORS AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. Vote quickly and there'll be a camper round too!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. We got the moves.
Character: Heart
Series: You Are Umasou! (movie)
Character Age: Adult T-Rex!!
Job: Hunting Instructor!!
Canon: One day, a plant eating dinosaur finds an abandoned egg in the stream. She takes the egg and raises it as her own, only for it to hatch into a baaaaaaby Big Jaw (T-Rex) that she names "Heart." Heart loves his mama, but as he gets older, he finally figures out that he can't survive on plants and berries, discovering that MEAT IS DELICIOUS *-*, and runs away as to not hurt his family. He grows into a terrifying Big Jaw. . .until he accidentally adopts a baby Ankylosaurus that he intended to eat. Whoops! Together with his new "son" he names Umasou ("looks tasty"), he continues on a personal journey of finding acceptance, and his struggle with taking care of Umasou despite his base instinct.
Heart is aptly named! For a meat eating monster, he has a huge heart, and tends to stick up for those weaker than himself--both meat eaters and plant eaters--and has some fairly strong fatherly instincts. He also likes to boast and show off, happily accepting most challenges, and puts on a front of 'Not Giving a Fuck.' In truth he is a huge sap, and is insecure about his lifestyle. He hides his meat eating secret from his son, and hides his son from the other Big Jaws. Eventually, he learns to accept who he is, and at least he can CHOOSE who or what he eats :9
Sample Post:
Oi, come back here! I'm not going to eat you, damnit! Besides, anything that smells that bad can't be tasty. The way you shuffle and creep after your prey. . .it's pitiful. Are you trying to catch dinner or catch a cool breeze?! Listen up, you won't grow up big and strong like me unless you eat properly. So I've decided you're pretty lucky. . .I'm going to teach you how to hunt!
--don't you moan at me! Think of this as a personal favor. Aaah, but what do I even call you? Tch, how about Slack Jaw? You can't bite properly with all those blunt teeth falling out. It's hard to believe such a thing is even a meat eater! Those flimsy limbs are better suited for flailing around in the mud! And suuure, I guess the green helps you blend in, but a proper Big Jaw doesn't have to hide. You go in there and take what you want! Run in roaring with fangs bared, and stomp the ground with all your might--er, but be careful not to step on anything important. Heh, sorry, didn't see your foot there.
A-anyway! Let's get started! Those plant eaters over there look delicious! Look at them, all slow and grazing, they won't know what hit them. This is when a Big Jaw rushes up, take no prisoners! You bite down hard on their necks, and feel their flesh pressed against yours--"iyaan?" That ain't the sound you make! It's supposed to be more like "GRRR!" Focus! Like I was saying, you go for the flesh around their necks. The. . .shiny armored flesh? What the hell, they're covered in it! That isn't fair, how can a plant eater have horns and armor plating everywhere?! That looks like it could break a fang or two. And even that low mooing is kind of ominous. . .tch, not that it scares me, but those things aren't safe prey for a beginner.
Bah! Okay, so that lesson was a dud, but I ain't worried! Just stick with me, kid, and I'll have you eating well in no time. Maybe we'll work on speed instead. I'll teach you the real meaning of fast food! Climb up on my head, you'll have the best view of what a real hunt looks like.
Eh? Bad decisions. . .? You better have meant Badass Decision Dinosaur! Tch, just shut up and hang on, don't make me come up there!
Poll Vote!
Character: Toshiko "Tosh" Sato
Series: Torchwood
Character Age: 34
Job: Internet Prometheus
Canon: In a world that is constantly visited by extraterrestrial life, there needs to be someone there to investigate it. Torchwood is an organization dedicated to dealing with alien activity, as well as other mysterious events. They’re headquartered in Cardiff, England, which sits on top of a rift in space/time that allows all these supernatural creatures and objects to come to Earth.
Toshiko is a computer genius, and is the technology expert and scientist of the team. She’s very dedicated to her work, although her passion and seriousness for it occasionally makes it seem like she “has a stick up her ass.” She’s not above goofing off and having fun with others, and she can be somewhat cheeky at times. Tosh also has a tendency to babble on about the topics that fall under her expertise. However, even when she’s in a teasing mood, she is able to quickly sober up if the time calls for it. Tosh does tend to keep to herself, and can be pretty shy when she's being social outside of work-related things. Basically, she is the awkward turtle of the team.
Sample Post: Right, so, I’ve been informed that upon arrival, everyone here receives a laptop. However, not everyone comes from a planet or timeline where this type of technology is available to them. While I assume this isn’t normally that critical of an issue considering our setting, there has recently been a situation where vital information was supplied to you all via your computers. In case something like this happens again, it is my duty to make sure that every camper and counselor is able to access such information. In other words, hello all zombies, robot cows, and everything in between. I’m going to show you how the internet works.
Luckily for all of you, these laptops are generally very easy to use and low tech. A little too low tech for my taste, actually, it’s a bit off-putting if you want to get more out of it than just idle web-surfing. I was going to use the one I received in an attempt at analyzing that infamous barrier, but I’m not even close to getting it to work. It’s really fascinating, isn’t it? I’ve seen other barriers and devices that are meant to trap people before, but never to this caliber. It sort of reminds me of the rift back home-it brings all of us here from across universes, and just dumps us all inside, like a gigantic trash bin. If I had the right equipment, I may be able to . . . get way off topic. My apologies, this sort of thing just really interests me. It won’t happen again.
Getting back on track: Your computers! I assume that they’re all turned on right now. Let’s begin with something relatively simple, like sending messages to one another. Email is very much like mailing someone a normal letter, only it’s much faster and less personal. If you wish to do something like, let’s say, send someone a love letter, it’s best to do it with a handwritten letter. I would suggest being unique and using a carrier pigeon, but I think the closest to that you’ll get here is a carrier toucan. And as entertaining as that thought is, I’m not particularly sure if that’s an actual viable substitute. But if you want to risk your personal feelings ending up in the mess hall instead of your significant other’s cabin, be my guest. Anyway, after you open the email window, please try to send me one once you figure out how it works. It can be anything from a greeting to your name to- . . .
A rather detailed work of fiction involving the resident tentacled monster? While I’m very impressed by how quickly you wrote all of that out, especially with rotted fingers, I'm pretty sure that anatomy of any kind does not work that way. And this is sort of putting me off of seafood. In other news, however, I don’t think you’ll have any problems with adjusting to internet culture.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hifumi Minagawa
Series: Cafe Kichijoji de
Character Age: unknown, probably about mid-20s
Job: Camp Pastry Chef
Canon: Long ago, in a land far far awa-- well actually no. Over in what people call modern day Tokyo, Japan, a small boring cafe in Kichijoji is owned by a boring middle-aged married man. Working under him are five rather handsome male employees... who are not so boring. Hate to break the trend but this manga has to sell somehow. Unfortunately, these aren't your run-of-the-mill pretty boy workers waiting for the right girl to walk into their cafe and turn the whole thing into a romantic comedy shoujo series. These guys are a deceptively innocent-looking package to a pandora's box of enough chaos and mayhem to not just threaten getting this poor little cafe torn down from wall to wall but even break through the fourth wall too, and that's a whole other mess to deal with.
Now how can a cat-loving, morbid thinking occult-enthusiast be involved in all this? Why, that's the chef of course! Minagawa Hifumi's tag line is that of the "questionable human-being", and the fact that you could find him hiding away in your cabinets then disappearing without a trace the same way would be enough proof of that. He's a whispy-voiced, creepy-looking man with a love of the daily horoscopes, voodoo dolls and his cat named Sukekiyo. Some might question his cooking skills but in fact he's pretty darn good at what he does. So good that he could stick a fish into a blender and come out with an end product more deserving of a French pâtissier. Minagawa may not be the most sane of people but he certainly does a good job of making you think he is. Just try not to let your guard down around him for too long. It could cost you an arm and a leg. Literally.
Sample Post:
...oh my, have we shifted over to the sample already? That lasted a little longer than I expected it to. Shall you give me a few quick minutes though? I'll have to wash off all this blood on my hands. I'm afraid the assistant that was supposed to work with me had a bit of trouble handling some cooking knives I'd asked him to retrieve and poor Edgaaarrrggh is now without... an arm and a leg, surprisingly enough. How ironic.
Just kidding. He's only missing an arm, but then again it looks like he's enduring the loss quite well. The lack of pain receptors in dead flesh can be so helpful. I'm afraid the mess is from the retrieval of my personal ingredients. I always do like working with something fresh. I do actually need a bit of time to prepare myself though, I have not exactly ever had the pleasure of cooking in front of an audience. Such an eager group too. A few of them are clamoring toward the front for a closer look. Now now, no need to push and shove. At the end of the demonstration there shall be enough samples for everyone, even the gentleman taking a nap in the far back.
Oh dear, no. That's just a head. Ah, excuse me? The fellow wandering around aimlessly? Try taking two large steps to your left, one step forward and then reach down. Yes, that's it. There you go. Good job. I'll be sure to put extra icing on yours.
Alright then, I believe there has been enough comic relief. We'll begin the demonstration. I did not want to overwhelm everyone with something extravagant on my first day, even though the lack of taste buds would make it difficult to tell the difference between dirt and a mille-feuille. However, I am still a devoted pastry chef so I had assured myself that I would still do my best to make a good first-impression on this day. I'll be more than welcome to hand out copies of the recipe at the end of the session and autographs are certainly an option. Feel free to visit the souvenir tent over on the side over there for all sorts of potential collectors items. I'd suggest the Sukekiyo oven mittens. They're quite cute.
Now, we shall begin. ...well this is a bit odd. It seems someone has given me the wrong recipe. The words are written backwards but here on the instructions it just seems to say something about one part poptart and one part cat.
All that's missing is the music. --ah, just give me a second. There we go.
Poll Vote!
Character: Date Akira
Series: Kamen Rider OOO
Character Age: 31
Job: Chicken Wrangler
Canon: Have you ever used a vending machine? Pop in the coin, press for the soda, and receive it instantly. Easy, huh? Well imagine if you could use those coins instead to turn into a superhero. Kamen Rider OOO is the answer to this! In a world fueled by desire, thick coin-like medals are the physical representation of those desires. Five monsters named “Greeed” are the ones who feed off of these medals. Kamen Rider OOO and his comrade, Kamen Rider Birth fight against the Greeed and their off-shoot monsters to protect the world from being overrun by uncontrollable desire.
Date Akira is Kamen Rider Birth. A knowledgeable man with both street smarts and book smarts, he does his best to live his life how he wants it to be. Driven by his goal of earning 100 million yen, he does his best to reach it, even blurring the lines between right and wrong once in a while too. He has a laid back and humorous air about him which causes people to feel at ease because of the normal view he approaches things with. Believing in the power of desire and the power of people too, when he’s off the job it seems he lives for fun. Rarely a serious moment around him, there’s times when even during battle he cracks a joke or two. He’s still dependable though, the man one can trust they can go to to be grounded and brought back to reality. He knows when it’s time to be serious and time for play, and is able to switch gears in an instant. Still, none of this matters when it comes to remembering the names of things because all birds are chickens and all chickens are birds. Unfortunately, it’s not particularly clear if he mixes up names for the sake of a good joke or if he really doesn’t care. Date is just the type of person who could go either way on that front.
Sample Entry:
Oi! You, Monkey-chan over there. Don’t look at me like that, you go “Ooo Ooo,” so you're a monkey. Anyway, help me with these chickens. I need to gather some of their feathers for my job, so if you catch the chickens, I can pluck them. Alright, I’ve got an empty sack, a flock of chickens and a monkey -- ah, those are chickens right? White feathers and they keep squawking, so they must be. I need to collect... 200 feathers by 5 o’clock? That should be easy with us two. I think I heard a phrase about this once -- to catch a bird, you need a rock. Hope it’s not a literal phrase though or we might get in trouble. Anyway, time to start earning! Here we go, you come in from that side, I’ll go in this side. Wait! That thing just went for a fish! Did you see that? A fish! I could’ve sworn these were chickens but now I have some doubts. Chickens just don't eat fish. Don't chickens hang out around ponds though?
What? What?! Why are you looking at me that way? We’re never going to get anything productive done if we don’t work as a team so, is there a problem? It's because you're not getting paid, I bet. Ah! I got it, Monkey-chan, how about I treat you to a banana to make up for it? Monkeys like bananas, right? Oh come on, we’re a team. If you help me out, I’ll pay you in bananas. It’s give and take, y’know. You give me help, I give you bananas. Don't look at me like that! In this sort of economy, you're lucky to get two bananas at most! That's really ungrateful of you, Monkey-chan, I have to say. Maybe you should reevaluate yourself if you're going to go around turning down every banana you're offered just because it's not, like, a golden banana or something.
Anyway, if we're going to work together, you'll have to help me on all my duties. I collect eggs in the morning which I've done today, feathers in the afternoon which I'm doing right now, and the dead carcasses at night -- see, the zombies usually get to them if they haven’t found a good human during the day. It’s a hard job since a lot of the times they’ll hide amongst the fire breathing ducks, but if I work hard enough, I’ll have my own team of Wranglers to command so I won’t catch on fire as much. Neat, huh? Ha, you probably don’t get it though since you’re just a monkey. Basically: Fire Equals Bad. You'll realize that in time.
Oi, don’t leave! We still have feathers to get! Aaah, why are gorillas so sensitive, I wonder. . . Oh, huh. That was it, wasn’t it? He wasn’t a monkey, he was a gorilla. And those weren’t chickens, those were ducks! Thank god they weren't the fire breathing ones or he might have been ever more mad. Hm, I still like the name “Monkey-chan”, it’s fitting for that gorilla. Haha, that’s amazing though, I can’t believe I confused the two. Next time, I won't or I might not be so lucky. Either way, Date Akira has a job to do -- let’s get earning!
Poll Vote!
Character: Lincoln Lee
Series: Fringe
Age: late 20s
Job: Paranormal Paper Pusher
Canon: Fringe follows the casework of the "Fringe" division -- an FBI task force designed to handle fringe science cases, which tend to border on the weird and mildly insane. Headed up by Agent Olivia Dunham, the mad scientist Walter Bishop, and his skeptical son Peter, the Fringe division tackles a number of cases, from general body horror to paranormal weirdness to even the existence of (and a potential war with) an alternate dimension. But Special Agent Lincoln Lee wasn't always involved with the Fringe division. Your average desk jockey at the Hartford office, Lincoln only became involved in Olivia and company's wild and wacky world of science and bugfuckery as they both pursued what he deemed to be a "compassionate soul vampire." ... It's a long story, as are most things with Fringe.
Lincoln Lee is the logical sort who is at first skeptical of the Fringe division; however, when all is said and done, he finds himself intrigued by it and even willing to dive back into that world again, if only to find more answers to the dozens of questions he has. Initially, he seems to be a restrained nerd of sorts, lacking a certain sort of confidence. He's the straight man, the type to stare at the insanity around him and offer a few dry remarks. Because, despite how he may seem, Lincoln does have a somewhat snarky sense of humor, one he lets slip through even when he's trying to take care of business. At his core, Lincoln is a good man with a great deal of potential that he's only just begun to tap. And maybe, just maybe, chasing after the inexplicable and sometimes ridiculous can do just that.
Sample Post:
When I requested a transfer, this wasn't quite what I had in mind. I can appreciate the change of scenery, especially given Hartford at this time of year which -- need I say more? I'm used to the desk work, too, so that's not really the problem here. I'm even, albeit slowly, getting accustomed to this idea of there being more to our world than we could have possibly imagined. Really. I'm open-minded, or I'd like to think I am, anyway. But, um. Those are zombies. And you're a gorilla. I think we need to pause for a moment and assess this situation.
I could ask how a large, immaculately coiffed purple gorilla came to be in charge of a division of the FBI, but all of the scenarios I'm imagining are only giving me a headache and I'm out of painkillers. Let's just ... move on from that for now. If you don't mind, may I ask how practical it is to have hired zombies, exactly? They're rotting corpses who seem to be losing bits of themselves by the minute. That kind of makes it hard to fill out and process the proper forms when they can't keep a grip on their own hands, and it's actually very distracting when your co-worker's finger goes flying over your head. I just feel like this needs to be said, regardless of how ridiculous it may sound.
While we're on the subject of ridiculous, could we discuss these reports? I was going to say that there must be something wrong with them -- a typo, or files being mixed up, or someone may have even had several auto correct errors. I've had "matriculating" come out horribly wrong, so it's possible! But judging from the standards set in this office, I'm beginning to get this sinking pit in my stomach. I-- here, take this one, for example. Triple homicide, but then a few pages later, you have statements from the victims. The, uh, victims of a triple homicide? And look, as a nitpick, while it's great to be thorough, I'm not so certain that a witness statement of "kupo" is going to hold up in court. What is that even supposed to mean ... ?
May I ask how any of you actually get any work done around here? ... Judging from the look on your surprisingly expressive face, I'm going to assume that you don't. Mr. Gorilla, I don't mean to step on anyone's toes -- particularly my coworkers'. Given how many limbs they’ve already lost, that would just be rude. But if we're to be taken as seriously as an office headed up by a gorilla can be, we really should start to make some changes around here. We could organize the office by dividing these reports up into categories, such as "within the realm of possibility," "quasi-within the realm of possibility if one were to squint," and "excellent B movie fodder." This one about the cephalopod? That could go in category C. No, no, not out the window, just in a nice pile over here. ... Oh, you're trying to point out that-- um, that silo over there. With the cephalopod on top. And ... it's waving. Isn't it.
... You know what, Mr. Gorilla? Let's just get your signatu-- ... hand print right here and call it a day. Alright?
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. We got the moves.
Character: Heart
Series: You Are Umasou! (movie)
Character Age: Adult T-Rex!!
Job: Hunting Instructor!!
Canon: One day, a plant eating dinosaur finds an abandoned egg in the stream. She takes the egg and raises it as her own, only for it to hatch into a baaaaaaby Big Jaw (T-Rex) that she names "Heart." Heart loves his mama, but as he gets older, he finally figures out that he can't survive on plants and berries, discovering that MEAT IS DELICIOUS *-*, and runs away as to not hurt his family. He grows into a terrifying Big Jaw. . .until he accidentally adopts a baby Ankylosaurus that he intended to eat. Whoops! Together with his new "son" he names Umasou ("looks tasty"), he continues on a personal journey of finding acceptance, and his struggle with taking care of Umasou despite his base instinct.
Heart is aptly named! For a meat eating monster, he has a huge heart, and tends to stick up for those weaker than himself--both meat eaters and plant eaters--and has some fairly strong fatherly instincts. He also likes to boast and show off, happily accepting most challenges, and puts on a front of 'Not Giving a Fuck.' In truth he is a huge sap, and is insecure about his lifestyle. He hides his meat eating secret from his son, and hides his son from the other Big Jaws. Eventually, he learns to accept who he is, and at least he can CHOOSE who or what he eats :9
Sample Post:
Oi, come back here! I'm not going to eat you, damnit! Besides, anything that smells that bad can't be tasty. The way you shuffle and creep after your prey. . .it's pitiful. Are you trying to catch dinner or catch a cool breeze?! Listen up, you won't grow up big and strong like me unless you eat properly. So I've decided you're pretty lucky. . .I'm going to teach you how to hunt!
--don't you moan at me! Think of this as a personal favor. Aaah, but what do I even call you? Tch, how about Slack Jaw? You can't bite properly with all those blunt teeth falling out. It's hard to believe such a thing is even a meat eater! Those flimsy limbs are better suited for flailing around in the mud! And suuure, I guess the green helps you blend in, but a proper Big Jaw doesn't have to hide. You go in there and take what you want! Run in roaring with fangs bared, and stomp the ground with all your might--er, but be careful not to step on anything important. Heh, sorry, didn't see your foot there.
A-anyway! Let's get started! Those plant eaters over there look delicious! Look at them, all slow and grazing, they won't know what hit them. This is when a Big Jaw rushes up, take no prisoners! You bite down hard on their necks, and feel their flesh pressed against yours--"iyaan?" That ain't the sound you make! It's supposed to be more like "GRRR!" Focus! Like I was saying, you go for the flesh around their necks. The. . .shiny armored flesh? What the hell, they're covered in it! That isn't fair, how can a plant eater have horns and armor plating everywhere?! That looks like it could break a fang or two. And even that low mooing is kind of ominous. . .tch, not that it scares me, but those things aren't safe prey for a beginner.
Bah! Okay, so that lesson was a dud, but I ain't worried! Just stick with me, kid, and I'll have you eating well in no time. Maybe we'll work on speed instead. I'll teach you the real meaning of fast food! Climb up on my head, you'll have the best view of what a real hunt looks like.
Eh? Bad decisions. . .? You better have meant Badass Decision Dinosaur! Tch, just shut up and hang on, don't make me come up there!
Poll Vote!
Character: Toshiko "Tosh" Sato
Series: Torchwood
Character Age: 34
Job: Internet Prometheus
Canon: In a world that is constantly visited by extraterrestrial life, there needs to be someone there to investigate it. Torchwood is an organization dedicated to dealing with alien activity, as well as other mysterious events. They’re headquartered in Cardiff, England, which sits on top of a rift in space/time that allows all these supernatural creatures and objects to come to Earth.
Toshiko is a computer genius, and is the technology expert and scientist of the team. She’s very dedicated to her work, although her passion and seriousness for it occasionally makes it seem like she “has a stick up her ass.” She’s not above goofing off and having fun with others, and she can be somewhat cheeky at times. Tosh also has a tendency to babble on about the topics that fall under her expertise. However, even when she’s in a teasing mood, she is able to quickly sober up if the time calls for it. Tosh does tend to keep to herself, and can be pretty shy when she's being social outside of work-related things. Basically, she is the awkward turtle of the team.
Sample Post: Right, so, I’ve been informed that upon arrival, everyone here receives a laptop. However, not everyone comes from a planet or timeline where this type of technology is available to them. While I assume this isn’t normally that critical of an issue considering our setting, there has recently been a situation where vital information was supplied to you all via your computers. In case something like this happens again, it is my duty to make sure that every camper and counselor is able to access such information. In other words, hello all zombies, robot cows, and everything in between. I’m going to show you how the internet works.
Luckily for all of you, these laptops are generally very easy to use and low tech. A little too low tech for my taste, actually, it’s a bit off-putting if you want to get more out of it than just idle web-surfing. I was going to use the one I received in an attempt at analyzing that infamous barrier, but I’m not even close to getting it to work. It’s really fascinating, isn’t it? I’ve seen other barriers and devices that are meant to trap people before, but never to this caliber. It sort of reminds me of the rift back home-it brings all of us here from across universes, and just dumps us all inside, like a gigantic trash bin. If I had the right equipment, I may be able to . . . get way off topic. My apologies, this sort of thing just really interests me. It won’t happen again.
Getting back on track: Your computers! I assume that they’re all turned on right now. Let’s begin with something relatively simple, like sending messages to one another. Email is very much like mailing someone a normal letter, only it’s much faster and less personal. If you wish to do something like, let’s say, send someone a love letter, it’s best to do it with a handwritten letter. I would suggest being unique and using a carrier pigeon, but I think the closest to that you’ll get here is a carrier toucan. And as entertaining as that thought is, I’m not particularly sure if that’s an actual viable substitute. But if you want to risk your personal feelings ending up in the mess hall instead of your significant other’s cabin, be my guest. Anyway, after you open the email window, please try to send me one once you figure out how it works. It can be anything from a greeting to your name to- . . .
A rather detailed work of fiction involving the resident tentacled monster? While I’m very impressed by how quickly you wrote all of that out, especially with rotted fingers, I'm pretty sure that anatomy of any kind does not work that way. And this is sort of putting me off of seafood. In other news, however, I don’t think you’ll have any problems with adjusting to internet culture.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hifumi Minagawa
Series: Cafe Kichijoji de
Character Age: unknown, probably about mid-20s
Job: Camp Pastry Chef
Canon: Long ago, in a land far far awa-- well actually no. Over in what people call modern day Tokyo, Japan, a small boring cafe in Kichijoji is owned by a boring middle-aged married man. Working under him are five rather handsome male employees... who are not so boring. Hate to break the trend but this manga has to sell somehow. Unfortunately, these aren't your run-of-the-mill pretty boy workers waiting for the right girl to walk into their cafe and turn the whole thing into a romantic comedy shoujo series. These guys are a deceptively innocent-looking package to a pandora's box of enough chaos and mayhem to not just threaten getting this poor little cafe torn down from wall to wall but even break through the fourth wall too, and that's a whole other mess to deal with.
Now how can a cat-loving, morbid thinking occult-enthusiast be involved in all this? Why, that's the chef of course! Minagawa Hifumi's tag line is that of the "questionable human-being", and the fact that you could find him hiding away in your cabinets then disappearing without a trace the same way would be enough proof of that. He's a whispy-voiced, creepy-looking man with a love of the daily horoscopes, voodoo dolls and his cat named Sukekiyo. Some might question his cooking skills but in fact he's pretty darn good at what he does. So good that he could stick a fish into a blender and come out with an end product more deserving of a French pâtissier. Minagawa may not be the most sane of people but he certainly does a good job of making you think he is. Just try not to let your guard down around him for too long. It could cost you an arm and a leg. Literally.
Sample Post:
...oh my, have we shifted over to the sample already? That lasted a little longer than I expected it to. Shall you give me a few quick minutes though? I'll have to wash off all this blood on my hands. I'm afraid the assistant that was supposed to work with me had a bit of trouble handling some cooking knives I'd asked him to retrieve and poor Edgaaarrrggh is now without... an arm and a leg, surprisingly enough. How ironic.
Just kidding. He's only missing an arm, but then again it looks like he's enduring the loss quite well. The lack of pain receptors in dead flesh can be so helpful. I'm afraid the mess is from the retrieval of my personal ingredients. I always do like working with something fresh. I do actually need a bit of time to prepare myself though, I have not exactly ever had the pleasure of cooking in front of an audience. Such an eager group too. A few of them are clamoring toward the front for a closer look. Now now, no need to push and shove. At the end of the demonstration there shall be enough samples for everyone, even the gentleman taking a nap in the far back.
Oh dear, no. That's just a head. Ah, excuse me? The fellow wandering around aimlessly? Try taking two large steps to your left, one step forward and then reach down. Yes, that's it. There you go. Good job. I'll be sure to put extra icing on yours.
Alright then, I believe there has been enough comic relief. We'll begin the demonstration. I did not want to overwhelm everyone with something extravagant on my first day, even though the lack of taste buds would make it difficult to tell the difference between dirt and a mille-feuille. However, I am still a devoted pastry chef so I had assured myself that I would still do my best to make a good first-impression on this day. I'll be more than welcome to hand out copies of the recipe at the end of the session and autographs are certainly an option. Feel free to visit the souvenir tent over on the side over there for all sorts of potential collectors items. I'd suggest the Sukekiyo oven mittens. They're quite cute.
Now, we shall begin. ...well this is a bit odd. It seems someone has given me the wrong recipe. The words are written backwards but here on the instructions it just seems to say something about one part poptart and one part cat.
All that's missing is the music. --ah, just give me a second. There we go.
Poll Vote!
Character: Date Akira
Series: Kamen Rider OOO
Character Age: 31
Job: Chicken Wrangler
Canon: Have you ever used a vending machine? Pop in the coin, press for the soda, and receive it instantly. Easy, huh? Well imagine if you could use those coins instead to turn into a superhero. Kamen Rider OOO is the answer to this! In a world fueled by desire, thick coin-like medals are the physical representation of those desires. Five monsters named “Greeed” are the ones who feed off of these medals. Kamen Rider OOO and his comrade, Kamen Rider Birth fight against the Greeed and their off-shoot monsters to protect the world from being overrun by uncontrollable desire.
Date Akira is Kamen Rider Birth. A knowledgeable man with both street smarts and book smarts, he does his best to live his life how he wants it to be. Driven by his goal of earning 100 million yen, he does his best to reach it, even blurring the lines between right and wrong once in a while too. He has a laid back and humorous air about him which causes people to feel at ease because of the normal view he approaches things with. Believing in the power of desire and the power of people too, when he’s off the job it seems he lives for fun. Rarely a serious moment around him, there’s times when even during battle he cracks a joke or two. He’s still dependable though, the man one can trust they can go to to be grounded and brought back to reality. He knows when it’s time to be serious and time for play, and is able to switch gears in an instant. Still, none of this matters when it comes to remembering the names of things because all birds are chickens and all chickens are birds. Unfortunately, it’s not particularly clear if he mixes up names for the sake of a good joke or if he really doesn’t care. Date is just the type of person who could go either way on that front.
Sample Entry:
Oi! You, Monkey-chan over there. Don’t look at me like that, you go “Ooo Ooo,” so you're a monkey. Anyway, help me with these chickens. I need to gather some of their feathers for my job, so if you catch the chickens, I can pluck them. Alright, I’ve got an empty sack, a flock of chickens and a monkey -- ah, those are chickens right? White feathers and they keep squawking, so they must be. I need to collect... 200 feathers by 5 o’clock? That should be easy with us two. I think I heard a phrase about this once -- to catch a bird, you need a rock. Hope it’s not a literal phrase though or we might get in trouble. Anyway, time to start earning! Here we go, you come in from that side, I’ll go in this side. Wait! That thing just went for a fish! Did you see that? A fish! I could’ve sworn these were chickens but now I have some doubts. Chickens just don't eat fish. Don't chickens hang out around ponds though?
What? What?! Why are you looking at me that way? We’re never going to get anything productive done if we don’t work as a team so, is there a problem? It's because you're not getting paid, I bet. Ah! I got it, Monkey-chan, how about I treat you to a banana to make up for it? Monkeys like bananas, right? Oh come on, we’re a team. If you help me out, I’ll pay you in bananas. It’s give and take, y’know. You give me help, I give you bananas. Don't look at me like that! In this sort of economy, you're lucky to get two bananas at most! That's really ungrateful of you, Monkey-chan, I have to say. Maybe you should reevaluate yourself if you're going to go around turning down every banana you're offered just because it's not, like, a golden banana or something.
Anyway, if we're going to work together, you'll have to help me on all my duties. I collect eggs in the morning which I've done today, feathers in the afternoon which I'm doing right now, and the dead carcasses at night -- see, the zombies usually get to them if they haven’t found a good human during the day. It’s a hard job since a lot of the times they’ll hide amongst the fire breathing ducks, but if I work hard enough, I’ll have my own team of Wranglers to command so I won’t catch on fire as much. Neat, huh? Ha, you probably don’t get it though since you’re just a monkey. Basically: Fire Equals Bad. You'll realize that in time.
Oi, don’t leave! We still have feathers to get! Aaah, why are gorillas so sensitive, I wonder. . . Oh, huh. That was it, wasn’t it? He wasn’t a monkey, he was a gorilla. And those weren’t chickens, those were ducks! Thank god they weren't the fire breathing ones or he might have been ever more mad. Hm, I still like the name “Monkey-chan”, it’s fitting for that gorilla. Haha, that’s amazing though, I can’t believe I confused the two. Next time, I won't or I might not be so lucky. Either way, Date Akira has a job to do -- let’s get earning!
Poll Vote!
Character: Lincoln Lee
Series: Fringe
Age: late 20s
Job: Paranormal Paper Pusher
Canon: Fringe follows the casework of the "Fringe" division -- an FBI task force designed to handle fringe science cases, which tend to border on the weird and mildly insane. Headed up by Agent Olivia Dunham, the mad scientist Walter Bishop, and his skeptical son Peter, the Fringe division tackles a number of cases, from general body horror to paranormal weirdness to even the existence of (and a potential war with) an alternate dimension. But Special Agent Lincoln Lee wasn't always involved with the Fringe division. Your average desk jockey at the Hartford office, Lincoln only became involved in Olivia and company's wild and wacky world of science and bugfuckery as they both pursued what he deemed to be a "compassionate soul vampire." ... It's a long story, as are most things with Fringe.
Lincoln Lee is the logical sort who is at first skeptical of the Fringe division; however, when all is said and done, he finds himself intrigued by it and even willing to dive back into that world again, if only to find more answers to the dozens of questions he has. Initially, he seems to be a restrained nerd of sorts, lacking a certain sort of confidence. He's the straight man, the type to stare at the insanity around him and offer a few dry remarks. Because, despite how he may seem, Lincoln does have a somewhat snarky sense of humor, one he lets slip through even when he's trying to take care of business. At his core, Lincoln is a good man with a great deal of potential that he's only just begun to tap. And maybe, just maybe, chasing after the inexplicable and sometimes ridiculous can do just that.
Sample Post:
When I requested a transfer, this wasn't quite what I had in mind. I can appreciate the change of scenery, especially given Hartford at this time of year which -- need I say more? I'm used to the desk work, too, so that's not really the problem here. I'm even, albeit slowly, getting accustomed to this idea of there being more to our world than we could have possibly imagined. Really. I'm open-minded, or I'd like to think I am, anyway. But, um. Those are zombies. And you're a gorilla. I think we need to pause for a moment and assess this situation.
I could ask how a large, immaculately coiffed purple gorilla came to be in charge of a division of the FBI, but all of the scenarios I'm imagining are only giving me a headache and I'm out of painkillers. Let's just ... move on from that for now. If you don't mind, may I ask how practical it is to have hired zombies, exactly? They're rotting corpses who seem to be losing bits of themselves by the minute. That kind of makes it hard to fill out and process the proper forms when they can't keep a grip on their own hands, and it's actually very distracting when your co-worker's finger goes flying over your head. I just feel like this needs to be said, regardless of how ridiculous it may sound.
While we're on the subject of ridiculous, could we discuss these reports? I was going to say that there must be something wrong with them -- a typo, or files being mixed up, or someone may have even had several auto correct errors. I've had "matriculating" come out horribly wrong, so it's possible! But judging from the standards set in this office, I'm beginning to get this sinking pit in my stomach. I-- here, take this one, for example. Triple homicide, but then a few pages later, you have statements from the victims. The, uh, victims of a triple homicide? And look, as a nitpick, while it's great to be thorough, I'm not so certain that a witness statement of "kupo" is going to hold up in court. What is that even supposed to mean ... ?
May I ask how any of you actually get any work done around here? ... Judging from the look on your surprisingly expressive face, I'm going to assume that you don't. Mr. Gorilla, I don't mean to step on anyone's toes -- particularly my coworkers'. Given how many limbs they’ve already lost, that would just be rude. But if we're to be taken as seriously as an office headed up by a gorilla can be, we really should start to make some changes around here. We could organize the office by dividing these reports up into categories, such as "within the realm of possibility," "quasi-within the realm of possibility if one were to squint," and "excellent B movie fodder." This one about the cephalopod? That could go in category C. No, no, not out the window, just in a nice pile over here. ... Oh, you're trying to point out that-- um, that silo over there. With the cephalopod on top. And ... it's waving. Isn't it.
... You know what, Mr. Gorilla? Let's just get your signatu-- ... hand print right here and call it a day. Alright?
Poll Vote!