(no subject)
DANG GUYS, we've got a bunch of apps already! This batch is going to be followed up by a camper one very shortly, so vote when you can! The more you vote, the more we will post! Good times.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. This looks good. Closed!
Character: Optimus Prime
Series: Transformers Prime
Character Age: Millions and millions of years old. Adult.
Counselor Job: Camp President
Canon: Good vs Evil. Vehicles vs Flight. Autobots vs Decepticons. Optimus Prime vs Megatron. While the war for Cybertron is over, a new war has begun, spreading to the outer reaches of the universe. On Earth, the Autobots wage a secret battle against the Decepticons in order to secure Energon; the power souce for both armies. However, new players have begun to enter the fray, who might wipe out all Transformers for good.
Optimus Prime is the leader of the Autobots on Earth. The last of the Primes, Optimus takes everything extremely seriously, never having time to joke or relax. Dignified, calm and wise, Optimus treats every life as sacred and never takes unnecessary risks. Yet, Optimus is closed off, not willing to open up to anyone including his team, preferring to keep his distance. Still, Optimus cares a great deal for them and their human partners. When lives are in jeopardy, Optimus can easily lose his cool and enter Kill Mode. He is not a leader to be taken lightly as he is willing to sacrifice everything he has for other people. With a big spark, Optimus sees the good in everyone, even Decepticons.
Sample Post:
Citizens of Camp Fuck You Die. I am Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots on Earth. I come to you with a humble, but earnest proposition. This planet is undergoing a great change. Robotic cattle now roam freely on your plains, oddly assembled humans are coming together to form a great clan known as the Zombies and the formidable being known as Marcy has decided to step down from her silo to gain her own heated pool. Things are no longer as you once thought they were. There is no reason to be frightened. I have seen for myself, the great capacity you have for adaptation. I have met many humans and in them, I see greatness. You too, can bring about greatness to your camp. I say this with all honesty.
Yet, as I am speaking, a threat approaches your fair campsite. The Decepticons are moving in to conquer and destroy all that you hold dear. Your crops, your showers, all will be lost when the Decepticons arrive. I urge you now to make a stand. There is no reason to be frightened for you will not be alone. I, Optimus Prime, will stand with you as the Camp President, if you will let me. The choice is in your hands for it must be yours alone. But I hope that you will listen to me and understand my cause. I am a Prime and I will not joke about your current situation. In fact, it could be said I never joke. There is very little I find amusing and this is certainly not one of those times. Now is the time to act, to free yourself from this threat. Now... is the time to vote.
Listen to me, lifeforms of Camp. Whether you be made of metal or flesh, you must not forfeit your right to freedom, to choice and free will. I will never take it from you, nor will I let anyone else take it from you. But the Decepticons do not care about you or how you feel. That is the honest truth. I would go into our history with them, but I'm afraid that would take far too long as it has been a very long war for all of us. I wish it were otherwise, for every lifeform has the potential of change, but that is my risk alone, not yours. Therefore, I will ask you to trust your instincts as I have learned to do. I ask you to do what you feel is right for yourselves and your livelihood, to protect what you feel is important. Yes, even the clan of Zombies for they are still a part of your world. You've got the touch. You've got the power.
Remember, one shall stand, one shall fall. Vote as your spark dictates.
Poll Vote!
Character: Megatron
Series: Transformers: Prime
Character Age: Millions and Millions of Years; Definitively Adult.
Job: Camp President
Canon: Transformers is the classic tale of the nature of Good and Evil, sponsored by Giant Motherf’ckin’ Robots That Occasionally Turn Into Awesome Vehicles. Our gargantuan Heroes, the Autobots, lead by Optimus Prime, defend both Earth and far reaches of space from the equally huge Decepticons, headed by the mighty Megatron.
A gladiator turned revolutionary, Megatron's life story would be entitled, "What I Wanted, and How I Got It (At Any Cost)." Two qualities define him: an unquenchable thirst for absolute power and a sense of egotistic, destructive pride above all things. Megatron’s megalomania is matched only by his ferocious charisma. In addition to his intimidating form and physical prowess, Megatron is a talented, imposing orator who exudes confidence from every microchip. He is prone to scathing sarcasm and witty repartee, and no doubt finds himself very entertaining.
Note: The use of the word "spark" is roughly equivalent to the idea of a heart.
Sample Post:
It is with great regret that I must announce the lamentable, yet inevitable cede of your former leader. But we are not here to mourn the past, but here to seize the opportunity of a glorious future.
Rest assured, campers, counsellors--citizens, if I may, my spark is with you; Your former leader’s formidable reign will not be forgotten. No, it is upon my very name that I swear to uphold the Director’s admirable, yet infinitely improvable, designs of tyrannical rule: All Hail Megatron.
In these turbulent times, it seems that a vote has been cast in favour of myself to lead you triumphantly above them. There is certainly no need for fear. For it is not chaos which enslaves us, but we who will utilize chaos to its fullest potential.
If you will forgive the casual parlance, in short, it is we who will Fuck You.
In the manner of a great republic such as this, it is only suitable, however ironic, that I should be christened something as humble as President. After all, I, Megatron, who lives only to serve you, only wish to nurse your ambitions. It is you who have chosen me. Yes, make absolutely no mistake, my dear citizens.
It is you, with your indubitably sincere determinations, who have elected me. And it is I, Megatron, who will remain indebted to your most certainly divine intentions.
It is impertinent that we discuss those intentions at great length, up close and personal. As your leader, it is only proper for me to address your concerns. I certainly would not dream of ignoring each and every one of your very, very important trifles. I more than encourage you to speak your mind freely, and to state your opinions clearly so that they may be thoroughly considered-and moreover, taken care of.
Ah, yes. It has been brought to my attention that with the waning of our dearest yet departed Director’s rule a great number of you have grown, dare I say: indolent in your comings and goings. Perhaps it is that you have not been provided with a proper incentive. My first obligation as your new leader to remedy the state of your tiresome lives.
My first initiative as President will be to introduce unto you, my beloved people, the initial phase of my long reign. I have brought with me, courtesy of my interstellar travels something beyond human comprehension. A resilient strain of bacterium, up until this very moment, considered to be extinct. Your species has long since feared its destructive resurrection, the harbinger of C.O.O.T., or Contagious Organic Open Terminal Disease, simply known on this planet as "cooties."
I intend for you only the best; for all of you eventually become immune to its effects, so that we may together be invincible. The only solution is extreme, relentless contact. As your loyal representative, who only holds your best interests to spark: I humbly suggest that you begin smooching.
Camp Fuck You Die, it is to you I now turn and ask: Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?
Poll Vote!
Character: That Guy Peter Bishop
Series: Fringe
Character Age: 33 (as of 2011)
Job: Reality Checker
Canon: Parallel universes, pyrokinesis, mind-control, reanimation: these and more are the things that Fringe Division deals with on a day to day basis. The division consists on only a handful of people. Among them, FBI agent Olivia Dunham, mad scientist Walter Bishop, and Peter Bishop, Walter's son. Together they SOLVE CRIMES. Think of them as CSI with crazy shit.
Peter is the jack-of-all-trades of the group and once drifted through life as a conman. After his father was committed to a mental institution, Peter left home and started a nomadic existence, moving from place to place and gradually becoming famous (or infamous) within mafia circles. He had a fun life and no one to care about but himself. Then one day, while doing some business in Iraq, he was tracked down by an FBI agent and blackmailed into releasing his father from the mental hospital, then he was roped into collaborating with them and very gradually started caring. Now he cares so much he is pretty readily willing to risk his own life to save strangers, and that’s terrible. Peter is pretty likable. He's smart and he wears a smile and a snarky attitude like an armor. He's also incapable of taking things seriously, even life or death situations. And although he genuinely cares about others, he's not really weighed down by it- it’s hard to be when his job involves dealing with murders on a near-daily basis.
Sample Post:
Let's get this started. My name's Peter Bishop and I'm with the FBI, though not part of the FBI. I’m a 'civilian consultant' which means- you know what? It's complicated and not that important. Moving on. Apparently, I'm here to be your new "Reality Checker." I have no idea what that means, so if you have any insights on that, I'll be setting up a comment box shortly. Feel free to drop a note once that's done. Meanwhile, I heard about a bunch of weird stuff happening, so I guess I'll "check" how "real" it is- God that was terrible, don't tell anyone I said that. Look, I'm here to investigate what's going on with this 'Zombie Outbreak'. Yes, I have reached a point in my life in which I can say zombie outbreak and mean it. Wow.
First, we've gotta establish what kind of zombie outbreak this is. There’s two options, or three, actually, but the third one’s terrible, which by Murphy's Law makes it the most likely, but let’s hope for logic and go with two. One, we're dealing with a virus. Think classic zombie movie: people get infected and they start crying for brains. Now, if it is a virus, it's really not all that bad. I'm not drooling yet, so we know it's not airborne, and these guys are pretty friendly as far as zombies go. So if you're not sick yet, you probably won't get sick. Now, the second option: this isn't a virus at all and instead, we're dealing with some psycho playing God, which isn't as bad as a virus in that it's not contagious and in order to reanimate you, you'd have to die first. Granted, we might be dealing with a serial killer but let's focus on the pros. Now, the third option- I know I said we were gonna go with the first two, but let's cover all our bases, alright? The third option is that we're dealing with some freak combination of both.
So, this is what we're gonna do. First, if there are any mad scientists about, this is your chance to speak up. By 'mad scientist', I don't mean just about any weirdo on a lab coat. I'm looking for people who really know their mad science. Liking knives isn't enough- it helps, but I need people who know more than how to stab a dude. Stabbing is easy, stabbing without damaging any important organs? Now that's an art. On that note, and this really should go without saying, serial killers need not apply. Also, I'm gonna need to borrow a fully functional lab. I know it’s a long shot, but if any one has one I can use, that'd be great. Hell, I'll even let the owner stick around even if they're not the kind of mad scientist I'm looking for. I mean, really, we're in Midwestern Zombieland. I can’t afford to be that picky.
Second, I'm gonna ask the rest of you to split into groups. If you haven't had any contact with a zombie in the past 24 hours, you're free to go. If you have but haven't shown any symptoms; drooling, odd cravings for brain matter, sudden limb loss, or anything that looks kind of like leprosy but worse -- line up to my right. If you are showing symptoms, but your skin is still pink and you can say words other than variations of 'brain', line up to my left. You guys will be the first to get a cure once we figure out what's going on.
As for the rest of you- Aargh, Grunt, Gurgle and company, try to form a group over that scarecrow and I'll see what I can do about getting you some goat brains or something. Oh, and guys? If any of you doesn't mind parting with a hand, I could use a spare one.
Poll Vote!
Character: Ron Swanson
Series: Parks and Recreation
Character Age: Mid-40s
Job: Ruggedly Dignified Wilderness Advisor
Canon: Parks and Recreation is a comedy series about the small, underfunded Parks Department in the fictional town of Pawnee, Indiana. It follows the misadventures of Leslie Knope, the hyper-productive, optimistic deputy director of the department, as she tries to work through red tape and budget cuts to provide parks, fun, and services to the offbeat citizens of her town.
Ron Swanson, the actual head of the Parks Department, avoids doing actual work as much as possible. A stoic libertarian and outdoorsy eccentric, he believes all government is a waste of taxpayer money and that birthdays are a scam created by Hallmark. Ron is a straightforward, terse, and mostly solitary man who enjoys the finer things in life: meat, breakfast, property rights, woodworking, and pretty, dark-haired women. While he tries his hardest to avoid dealing with people on a personal level (or at all, when it comes to government work), he’s secretly a good friend with more insight than he lets on.
Sample Post:
Greetings, people of wherever the hell this is! Even though they are pointless, tedious, and I want nothing to do with this, I have been asked to give a speech by these gentlemen. Since they promised me a three course breakfast in return, I will hold them to that and proceed. So pay attention! You will note that this self-introduction is comprised of a series of facts, and my opinions, which you may also take as facts. Applaud at the end, or don't. It's a free country! I couldn't care less.
My name is Ron Swanson. This is a place, and I'm here now. Since all of those things are true, I will share with you a few observations: Despite it being called a “camp,” I have noticed a disturbingly high number of cabins here! Cabins with electricity and matching curtains. I believe that true camping should involve only an empty backpack, an antique Bowie knife, and a tarp. Any extra frills will just make you soft. I once had to make a shelter out of a fresh, blood-smeared deer skin and two feet of vine in the middle of a tornado. … It was amazing. In fact, I think it should be mandatory for every man, woman, and child to spend at least two weeks out in the wilderness, so that they can learn to fend for themselves. Better yet, they should compete with each other for natural resources and a small selection of switchblades. The goal? Don’t get eaten by wolves. The reward? Victory, and not getting eaten by wolves.
Am I getting off topic, you ask? No, I am not. Sit down and shut the hell up. My second observation is that most of you couldn’t even wipe your own asses with a leaf. An arts and crafts cabin? If you think glitter is the answer to your problems, then I will take no shame in enjoying my brandy while you cry for help when the raccoons come to gnaw at your weak, lackadaisical toes. No. Today, I am going to teach you various skills that will hopefully increase your strength and competency, both mental and physical, in an attempt to keep you from bothering me later when the gorillas are on the hunt. Meet me back here in exactly one hour, and bring your shotgun.
End of speech! Now someone get me my goddamn bacon.
Poll Vote!
Character: Ryoutarou Doujima
Series: Persona 4 wiki
Character Age: 42
Job: Manners Enforcement, Investigation, Discipline, and Oppression (M.E.I.D.O) Officer
Canon: Persona 4 is about a group of plucky teenagers dealing with Issues, solving a supernatural murder mystery, killing monsters, and saving the world from inside the TV. Police Detective Doujima is stuck on the outside of the TV and ends up being kind of the straight man to all the supernatural shenanigans his nephew, the protagonist, gets up to. And with his gruff, serious exterior he's perfect for the job. He doesn't even believe that the TV World exists or is part of the serial murder case he's investigating when he's told flat out by his trusted nephew. Even with all the support and relationship counseling he gets from said nephew, the supernatural is just too foreign to his worldview.
Beyond being sensible and grounded in the normal world, Doujima is very dedicated to justice and his job. He takes his duty to protect his town from criminals with utmost seriousness and loves his family to death. Unfortunately he sucks at showing it, and lets his guilt and feelings of inadequacy mess up his relationships--even with his daughter. Still, he's trying to be better, so beneath that gruff, rough, and hard-assed detective is a loyal and very loving father slowly starting to emerge.
Sample Post:
Listen up! I'm Detective Ryoutarou Doujima and things are going to change around here. I have no idea who the last one in charge of law enforcement was, but the lazy punk obviously wasn't cut out for the job. My new desk is made of shellacked bricks of citations and complaints, for goodness sake. That's not even counting the mountain of new reports that flew in--and don't tell me it was literally; I wasn't born yesterday--while I was trying to find a real desk. So I'm going to lay down the law for you. While I'm here you don't get to run around disregarding the rules like a bunch of hooligans.
Okay, first thing's--dammit. Which of you smart asses thought gluing feathers to my reports was funny? I told you I wouldn't believe the "flew in" bull you were spouting earlier. Look, I can be reasonable. Don't do it again and I won't haul you in to retype them. Understood? Now, we've got a lot of complaints here about cows being tipped...from the cows? What? Well, that doesn't matter right now. We're initiating anti-tipping measures immediately. All the cowbots will have cameras installed to catch you guys red-handed and the rest will have exploding dye-packs-- Who the hell came up with this? This had better not be another joke; I've had it up to here with the pranks.
And mischief is bad enough but all this stealing I'm hearing about-- I'm not going to stand for it. Nobody will be stealing candy from anyone on my watch, you hear? I don't care if sugar is banned and you "need" it; you're stealing from someone's kid. That's low, and I swear, I'm going to make this place safe for families, even if mine isn't here. Stealing is criminal and I won't just be giving you the Camp's punishments; I'll be turning you in to the local PD. I don't care if I have to take the depositions myself; nobody's going to get away with taking candy from a ba...by. Ha. Ha. You think you're so very funny, don't you. Well, I'm not going to take this crap anymore. We have work to do and you punks are going to listen.
The hazing stops now, you jackasses! You've had your laugh; now take me to my real office, with my real desk, and if I have to dress like a beat cop, give me my real uniform. Like hell am I going to dress in an apron and ...skirt. The fake badge even says "Maid" on it, of all things.
...What the hell do you mean that's the real uniform?
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me why I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. This looks good. Closed!
Character: Optimus Prime
Series: Transformers Prime
Character Age: Millions and millions of years old. Adult.
Counselor Job: Camp President
Canon: Good vs Evil. Vehicles vs Flight. Autobots vs Decepticons. Optimus Prime vs Megatron. While the war for Cybertron is over, a new war has begun, spreading to the outer reaches of the universe. On Earth, the Autobots wage a secret battle against the Decepticons in order to secure Energon; the power souce for both armies. However, new players have begun to enter the fray, who might wipe out all Transformers for good.
Optimus Prime is the leader of the Autobots on Earth. The last of the Primes, Optimus takes everything extremely seriously, never having time to joke or relax. Dignified, calm and wise, Optimus treats every life as sacred and never takes unnecessary risks. Yet, Optimus is closed off, not willing to open up to anyone including his team, preferring to keep his distance. Still, Optimus cares a great deal for them and their human partners. When lives are in jeopardy, Optimus can easily lose his cool and enter Kill Mode. He is not a leader to be taken lightly as he is willing to sacrifice everything he has for other people. With a big spark, Optimus sees the good in everyone, even Decepticons.
Sample Post:
Citizens of Camp Fuck You Die. I am Optimus Prime, leader of the Autobots on Earth. I come to you with a humble, but earnest proposition. This planet is undergoing a great change. Robotic cattle now roam freely on your plains, oddly assembled humans are coming together to form a great clan known as the Zombies and the formidable being known as Marcy has decided to step down from her silo to gain her own heated pool. Things are no longer as you once thought they were. There is no reason to be frightened. I have seen for myself, the great capacity you have for adaptation. I have met many humans and in them, I see greatness. You too, can bring about greatness to your camp. I say this with all honesty.
Yet, as I am speaking, a threat approaches your fair campsite. The Decepticons are moving in to conquer and destroy all that you hold dear. Your crops, your showers, all will be lost when the Decepticons arrive. I urge you now to make a stand. There is no reason to be frightened for you will not be alone. I, Optimus Prime, will stand with you as the Camp President, if you will let me. The choice is in your hands for it must be yours alone. But I hope that you will listen to me and understand my cause. I am a Prime and I will not joke about your current situation. In fact, it could be said I never joke. There is very little I find amusing and this is certainly not one of those times. Now is the time to act, to free yourself from this threat. Now... is the time to vote.
Listen to me, lifeforms of Camp. Whether you be made of metal or flesh, you must not forfeit your right to freedom, to choice and free will. I will never take it from you, nor will I let anyone else take it from you. But the Decepticons do not care about you or how you feel. That is the honest truth. I would go into our history with them, but I'm afraid that would take far too long as it has been a very long war for all of us. I wish it were otherwise, for every lifeform has the potential of change, but that is my risk alone, not yours. Therefore, I will ask you to trust your instincts as I have learned to do. I ask you to do what you feel is right for yourselves and your livelihood, to protect what you feel is important. Yes, even the clan of Zombies for they are still a part of your world. You've got the touch. You've got the power.
Remember, one shall stand, one shall fall. Vote as your spark dictates.
Poll Vote!
Character: Megatron
Series: Transformers: Prime
Character Age: Millions and Millions of Years; Definitively Adult.
Job: Camp President
Canon: Transformers is the classic tale of the nature of Good and Evil, sponsored by Giant Motherf’ckin’ Robots That Occasionally Turn Into Awesome Vehicles. Our gargantuan Heroes, the Autobots, lead by Optimus Prime, defend both Earth and far reaches of space from the equally huge Decepticons, headed by the mighty Megatron.
A gladiator turned revolutionary, Megatron's life story would be entitled, "What I Wanted, and How I Got It (At Any Cost)." Two qualities define him: an unquenchable thirst for absolute power and a sense of egotistic, destructive pride above all things. Megatron’s megalomania is matched only by his ferocious charisma. In addition to his intimidating form and physical prowess, Megatron is a talented, imposing orator who exudes confidence from every microchip. He is prone to scathing sarcasm and witty repartee, and no doubt finds himself very entertaining.
Note: The use of the word "spark" is roughly equivalent to the idea of a heart.
Sample Post:
It is with great regret that I must announce the lamentable, yet inevitable cede of your former leader. But we are not here to mourn the past, but here to seize the opportunity of a glorious future.
Rest assured, campers, counsellors--citizens, if I may, my spark is with you; Your former leader’s formidable reign will not be forgotten. No, it is upon my very name that I swear to uphold the Director’s admirable, yet infinitely improvable, designs of tyrannical rule: All Hail Megatron.
In these turbulent times, it seems that a vote has been cast in favour of myself to lead you triumphantly above them. There is certainly no need for fear. For it is not chaos which enslaves us, but we who will utilize chaos to its fullest potential.
If you will forgive the casual parlance, in short, it is we who will Fuck You.
In the manner of a great republic such as this, it is only suitable, however ironic, that I should be christened something as humble as President. After all, I, Megatron, who lives only to serve you, only wish to nurse your ambitions. It is you who have chosen me. Yes, make absolutely no mistake, my dear citizens.
It is you, with your indubitably sincere determinations, who have elected me. And it is I, Megatron, who will remain indebted to your most certainly divine intentions.
It is impertinent that we discuss those intentions at great length, up close and personal. As your leader, it is only proper for me to address your concerns. I certainly would not dream of ignoring each and every one of your very, very important trifles. I more than encourage you to speak your mind freely, and to state your opinions clearly so that they may be thoroughly considered-and moreover, taken care of.
Ah, yes. It has been brought to my attention that with the waning of our dearest yet departed Director’s rule a great number of you have grown, dare I say: indolent in your comings and goings. Perhaps it is that you have not been provided with a proper incentive. My first obligation as your new leader to remedy the state of your tiresome lives.
My first initiative as President will be to introduce unto you, my beloved people, the initial phase of my long reign. I have brought with me, courtesy of my interstellar travels something beyond human comprehension. A resilient strain of bacterium, up until this very moment, considered to be extinct. Your species has long since feared its destructive resurrection, the harbinger of C.O.O.T., or Contagious Organic Open Terminal Disease, simply known on this planet as "cooties."
I intend for you only the best; for all of you eventually become immune to its effects, so that we may together be invincible. The only solution is extreme, relentless contact. As your loyal representative, who only holds your best interests to spark: I humbly suggest that you begin smooching.
Camp Fuck You Die, it is to you I now turn and ask: Are you not entertained? Is this not why you are here?
Poll Vote!
Character: That Guy Peter Bishop
Series: Fringe
Character Age: 33 (as of 2011)
Job: Reality Checker
Canon: Parallel universes, pyrokinesis, mind-control, reanimation: these and more are the things that Fringe Division deals with on a day to day basis. The division consists on only a handful of people. Among them, FBI agent Olivia Dunham, mad scientist Walter Bishop, and Peter Bishop, Walter's son. Together they SOLVE CRIMES. Think of them as CSI with crazy shit.
Peter is the jack-of-all-trades of the group and once drifted through life as a conman. After his father was committed to a mental institution, Peter left home and started a nomadic existence, moving from place to place and gradually becoming famous (or infamous) within mafia circles. He had a fun life and no one to care about but himself. Then one day, while doing some business in Iraq, he was tracked down by an FBI agent and blackmailed into releasing his father from the mental hospital, then he was roped into collaborating with them and very gradually started caring. Now he cares so much he is pretty readily willing to risk his own life to save strangers, and that’s terrible. Peter is pretty likable. He's smart and he wears a smile and a snarky attitude like an armor. He's also incapable of taking things seriously, even life or death situations. And although he genuinely cares about others, he's not really weighed down by it- it’s hard to be when his job involves dealing with murders on a near-daily basis.
Sample Post:
Let's get this started. My name's Peter Bishop and I'm with the FBI, though not part of the FBI. I’m a 'civilian consultant' which means- you know what? It's complicated and not that important. Moving on. Apparently, I'm here to be your new "Reality Checker." I have no idea what that means, so if you have any insights on that, I'll be setting up a comment box shortly. Feel free to drop a note once that's done. Meanwhile, I heard about a bunch of weird stuff happening, so I guess I'll "check" how "real" it is- God that was terrible, don't tell anyone I said that. Look, I'm here to investigate what's going on with this 'Zombie Outbreak'. Yes, I have reached a point in my life in which I can say zombie outbreak and mean it. Wow.
First, we've gotta establish what kind of zombie outbreak this is. There’s two options, or three, actually, but the third one’s terrible, which by Murphy's Law makes it the most likely, but let’s hope for logic and go with two. One, we're dealing with a virus. Think classic zombie movie: people get infected and they start crying for brains. Now, if it is a virus, it's really not all that bad. I'm not drooling yet, so we know it's not airborne, and these guys are pretty friendly as far as zombies go. So if you're not sick yet, you probably won't get sick. Now, the second option: this isn't a virus at all and instead, we're dealing with some psycho playing God, which isn't as bad as a virus in that it's not contagious and in order to reanimate you, you'd have to die first. Granted, we might be dealing with a serial killer but let's focus on the pros. Now, the third option- I know I said we were gonna go with the first two, but let's cover all our bases, alright? The third option is that we're dealing with some freak combination of both.
So, this is what we're gonna do. First, if there are any mad scientists about, this is your chance to speak up. By 'mad scientist', I don't mean just about any weirdo on a lab coat. I'm looking for people who really know their mad science. Liking knives isn't enough- it helps, but I need people who know more than how to stab a dude. Stabbing is easy, stabbing without damaging any important organs? Now that's an art. On that note, and this really should go without saying, serial killers need not apply. Also, I'm gonna need to borrow a fully functional lab. I know it’s a long shot, but if any one has one I can use, that'd be great. Hell, I'll even let the owner stick around even if they're not the kind of mad scientist I'm looking for. I mean, really, we're in Midwestern Zombieland. I can’t afford to be that picky.
Second, I'm gonna ask the rest of you to split into groups. If you haven't had any contact with a zombie in the past 24 hours, you're free to go. If you have but haven't shown any symptoms; drooling, odd cravings for brain matter, sudden limb loss, or anything that looks kind of like leprosy but worse -- line up to my right. If you are showing symptoms, but your skin is still pink and you can say words other than variations of 'brain', line up to my left. You guys will be the first to get a cure once we figure out what's going on.
As for the rest of you- Aargh, Grunt, Gurgle and company, try to form a group over that scarecrow and I'll see what I can do about getting you some goat brains or something. Oh, and guys? If any of you doesn't mind parting with a hand, I could use a spare one.
Poll Vote!
Character: Ron Swanson
Series: Parks and Recreation
Character Age: Mid-40s
Job: Ruggedly Dignified Wilderness Advisor
Canon: Parks and Recreation is a comedy series about the small, underfunded Parks Department in the fictional town of Pawnee, Indiana. It follows the misadventures of Leslie Knope, the hyper-productive, optimistic deputy director of the department, as she tries to work through red tape and budget cuts to provide parks, fun, and services to the offbeat citizens of her town.
Ron Swanson, the actual head of the Parks Department, avoids doing actual work as much as possible. A stoic libertarian and outdoorsy eccentric, he believes all government is a waste of taxpayer money and that birthdays are a scam created by Hallmark. Ron is a straightforward, terse, and mostly solitary man who enjoys the finer things in life: meat, breakfast, property rights, woodworking, and pretty, dark-haired women. While he tries his hardest to avoid dealing with people on a personal level (or at all, when it comes to government work), he’s secretly a good friend with more insight than he lets on.
Sample Post:
Greetings, people of wherever the hell this is! Even though they are pointless, tedious, and I want nothing to do with this, I have been asked to give a speech by these gentlemen. Since they promised me a three course breakfast in return, I will hold them to that and proceed. So pay attention! You will note that this self-introduction is comprised of a series of facts, and my opinions, which you may also take as facts. Applaud at the end, or don't. It's a free country! I couldn't care less.
My name is Ron Swanson. This is a place, and I'm here now. Since all of those things are true, I will share with you a few observations: Despite it being called a “camp,” I have noticed a disturbingly high number of cabins here! Cabins with electricity and matching curtains. I believe that true camping should involve only an empty backpack, an antique Bowie knife, and a tarp. Any extra frills will just make you soft. I once had to make a shelter out of a fresh, blood-smeared deer skin and two feet of vine in the middle of a tornado. … It was amazing. In fact, I think it should be mandatory for every man, woman, and child to spend at least two weeks out in the wilderness, so that they can learn to fend for themselves. Better yet, they should compete with each other for natural resources and a small selection of switchblades. The goal? Don’t get eaten by wolves. The reward? Victory, and not getting eaten by wolves.
Am I getting off topic, you ask? No, I am not. Sit down and shut the hell up. My second observation is that most of you couldn’t even wipe your own asses with a leaf. An arts and crafts cabin? If you think glitter is the answer to your problems, then I will take no shame in enjoying my brandy while you cry for help when the raccoons come to gnaw at your weak, lackadaisical toes. No. Today, I am going to teach you various skills that will hopefully increase your strength and competency, both mental and physical, in an attempt to keep you from bothering me later when the gorillas are on the hunt. Meet me back here in exactly one hour, and bring your shotgun.
End of speech! Now someone get me my goddamn bacon.
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Character: Ryoutarou Doujima
Series: Persona 4 wiki
Character Age: 42
Job: Manners Enforcement, Investigation, Discipline, and Oppression (M.E.I.D.O) Officer
Canon: Persona 4 is about a group of plucky teenagers dealing with Issues, solving a supernatural murder mystery, killing monsters, and saving the world from inside the TV. Police Detective Doujima is stuck on the outside of the TV and ends up being kind of the straight man to all the supernatural shenanigans his nephew, the protagonist, gets up to. And with his gruff, serious exterior he's perfect for the job. He doesn't even believe that the TV World exists or is part of the serial murder case he's investigating when he's told flat out by his trusted nephew. Even with all the support and relationship counseling he gets from said nephew, the supernatural is just too foreign to his worldview.
Beyond being sensible and grounded in the normal world, Doujima is very dedicated to justice and his job. He takes his duty to protect his town from criminals with utmost seriousness and loves his family to death. Unfortunately he sucks at showing it, and lets his guilt and feelings of inadequacy mess up his relationships--even with his daughter. Still, he's trying to be better, so beneath that gruff, rough, and hard-assed detective is a loyal and very loving father slowly starting to emerge.
Sample Post:
Listen up! I'm Detective Ryoutarou Doujima and things are going to change around here. I have no idea who the last one in charge of law enforcement was, but the lazy punk obviously wasn't cut out for the job. My new desk is made of shellacked bricks of citations and complaints, for goodness sake. That's not even counting the mountain of new reports that flew in--and don't tell me it was literally; I wasn't born yesterday--while I was trying to find a real desk. So I'm going to lay down the law for you. While I'm here you don't get to run around disregarding the rules like a bunch of hooligans.
Okay, first thing's--dammit. Which of you smart asses thought gluing feathers to my reports was funny? I told you I wouldn't believe the "flew in" bull you were spouting earlier. Look, I can be reasonable. Don't do it again and I won't haul you in to retype them. Understood? Now, we've got a lot of complaints here about cows being tipped...from the cows? What? Well, that doesn't matter right now. We're initiating anti-tipping measures immediately. All the cowbots will have cameras installed to catch you guys red-handed and the rest will have exploding dye-packs-- Who the hell came up with this? This had better not be another joke; I've had it up to here with the pranks.
And mischief is bad enough but all this stealing I'm hearing about-- I'm not going to stand for it. Nobody will be stealing candy from anyone on my watch, you hear? I don't care if sugar is banned and you "need" it; you're stealing from someone's kid. That's low, and I swear, I'm going to make this place safe for families, even if mine isn't here. Stealing is criminal and I won't just be giving you the Camp's punishments; I'll be turning you in to the local PD. I don't care if I have to take the depositions myself; nobody's going to get away with taking candy from a ba...by. Ha. Ha. You think you're so very funny, don't you. Well, I'm not going to take this crap anymore. We have work to do and you punks are going to listen.
The hazing stops now, you jackasses! You've had your laugh; now take me to my real office, with my real desk, and if I have to dress like a beat cop, give me my real uniform. Like hell am I going to dress in an apron and ...skirt. The fake badge even says "Maid" on it, of all things.
...What the hell do you mean that's the real uniform?
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