(no subject)
We have 81 apps. I really don't want to weed that many of them because they're so freaking awesome. Soooo, you guys get speed batches!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. You guys have been awesome about voting. Great job, keep it up! I think we're done here.
Character: Kurosaki Isshin
Series: Bleach (manga)
Age: Legally and physically early to mid-40s, but actually much older
Job: Official Multi-Purpose Father Stand-In
Canon: Once upon a time Isshin married a woman who was more interested in his personality than his rugged manly good looks and that whole "doctor" thing. She was the most perfect wife and mother in the history of ever and they loved each other very much, so even though she's been dead six years now he feels completely justified in refusing to move on. His gigantic poster of her might be a bit much, but it drives his kids nuts so he keeps it prominently displayed.
These days Isshin concerns himself with providing for his three beloved children, caring for the people of Karakura via his cozy little clinic, keeping his son both in line and on his toes via unprovoked sneak attacks, calling in favors at the hospital from his old buddy Ishida, and generally going overboard in his unending quest to hide his utter coolness. Smoking? He's down to one cigarette a year as a romantic gesture to his darling Masaki. Having a serious moment? Watch out for knees aimed at your kidneys. All his sparkly love is an excellent way to (put your spoiler goggles on!) keep anyone from suspecting that wow, what do you know, Isshin used to be a shinigami too!
Sample Post:
Greetings, inhabitants of this lovely and practical-looking swamp! I have come to take my beloved only son, Kurosaki Ichigo, home to his adoring sisters! Could one of you go find him? Great!
While we wait for my son to arrive, I would like to take the time to combine my knowledge as a doctor and my experience as the world's most devoted father to properly address a matter which was mentioned by a gorilla who seemed very intent on using me as one of those creepy talking teddy bears during the flight over: the lack of parental supervision. So many of you are at an age when adult guidance is more important than ever, and yet you are stranded here without trusted parents! Who can you turn to when the inevitable heartbreak of that first summer love's end approaches? Who can you rely on to tell you the beautiful physiological truth of what happens when Mommy and Daddy decide they want to give you siblings to treasure? Who helps put the band-aids on when you fall out of the panty tree? Who defends your honor when even you don't care about it?
For this reason, I plan to act with your best interests in mind, my children! Help me get fired and the Kurosaki Clinic can be your new home with me as your kind and always understanding father! Space will be tight until renovations can be made, of course, but think of the experience! It's not for everyone--in my household you're expected to block first and answer questions later, and--ICHIGO! HOW DARE YOU MAKE YOUR FATHER WAIT WHEN HE ACCEPTED THIS JOB ON FOREIGN SOIL FOR NO PURPOSE BUT TO SEE YOUR ETERNALLY SCOWLING FACE? DON'T GIVE ME ANY OF YOUR EXCUSES, ZOMBIES ARE TOO SLOW TO POSE A HINDRANCE TO THE FRUIT OF MY LOINS! NOW GET OVER HERE, SIT DOWN AND SET A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR YOUR NEW SIBLINGS!
What was I saying? Ah, yes, my rules are the height of delinquency prevention, but the meals are delicious and, as you can see from that very affectionate glare my son is giving me, the love is palpable. Come on and palpate the love, kids, it's squishy!
Poll Vote!
Character: Gilbert Dullindal
Series: Gundam Seed Destiny
Age: 32
Job: Fertility Doctor
Canon: The Gundam series as of late has always thrived on two things; really awesome fighting robots and pilot emo. Gundam Seed Destiny is no different, providing copious amounts of both. The series focuses on the plight of ZAFT and EAF fighting an ongoing war of discrimination and hatred against coordinators. Toss in a few reckless and stubborn youths on each side, lots of emotional distress, and searching for life's meaning while taking hot showers and you have Seed Destiny.
But of course for every young and vigorous pilot, there’s always a badass mastermind in the shadows. Enter Gilbert Dullindal, the head of ZAFT and a pioneer of peace and understanding between Coordinators and Naturals. His speeches are poetic and inspire the hearts of many to follow him on his path. And when one listens to him, it is a majestic goal indeed. OR SO IT SEEMS. His plan to rid the world of war and discrimination involves a massive prescription of genetic manipulation to "optimize" the abilities of each person living on earth. In truth, he is manipulative and conniving, playing everyone like pawns in a chess game. And to think, if he wasn't dumped by a buxom babe of a ship captain, this may never have happened.
Sample Post:
Madame Director, you give me an offer I simply cannot refuse. Since this seems to be beneficial for the both of us, it would just be unwise for me to not accept. And in offering my services to you, I hope that together we can cultivate a new generation of campers to direct our hopes, dreams, and murderous accusations at.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Gilbert Dullindal, and I have been brought into camp as your fertility doctor. There seem to be a few familiar faces, and those may know me as the former PLANT Chairman of the High Council. Now, I'm sure some of you have been here long enough to consider consummating your relationship with your loved one, yet finding it difficult to do so. Perhaps it is the awkwardness of the situation. Others often find it troubling when they are put on the spot to perform. Or perhaps, it is simply much too difficult to do so when in the body of plush puppets after attempting to engage in sexual conduct.
In any case, I am not here to admonish your behaviour in the bedroom, though my office is always open should you need to discuss such matters. I am here to provide you campers with an alternate solution for your desires to become affluent in the ways of parenthood. As a geneticist, I am sure I can help you choose your progeny's characteristics. However, as with all things, there are a few rules that one should consider. Do keep in mind that despite your greatest wishes, I would have to decline a request to produce a so-called unholy love-child between an undead pile of flesh and a primate. Not only would that be a crime to humanity, I can also assure you that there are very little, if any, merits for such a combination. Except, of course, should creating such a hybrid produce a mass hysteria large enough to cause a rift in the barrier, then by all means I wish you luck in that aspect.
With such a varied genetic pool in this small camp alone, should one would want to enhance certain special characteristics in your future child, I'm sure it can be done. This means should you want your child to grow up with neon green hair, become immune to most diseases, channel mind telepathy and shoot lasers out of their eyes, we can make arrangements. You may be slightly disappointed about the lasers though. However, do keep in mind that your offspring is not a novelty toy, and should be treated with the utmost love and care. For a troubled childhood may lead to the path least desired, one where hope is dashed and the poor child has to mask their physical face from society and channel their anger into creating massive weapons of destruction to annihilate the very existence of humanity and... well, that's an entirely different story for another time.
Any willing volunteers? I assure you that there's nothing to be afraid of.
Poll Vote!
Character: Jake Marshall
Series: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
Age: 33
Job: Recreation Supervisor...will refer to himself as a sheriff, however.
Canon: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney is the infamously known 'Gay Lawyer Game' for the Nintendo DS. Questions of sexuality aside, it's a game where the player takes on the role of a rookie attorney and attempts to solve puzzles and get his client proven innocent. Along the way he encounters wacky side characters, unlikely evidence, and plot lines ranging from silly to outright dark and dangerous.
Jake Marshall is one of the many wacky side characters. He's an ex-detective turned ex-patrolcop and security guard thanks to some dealings in a case later in the game. More importantly, for some reason he believes he's a cowboy. He talks the cowboy talk, is pretty gung-ho, and will speak to anyone and everyone while shaving his face with a knife. He even keeps three pet cacti in his office. Despite this, he can be pretty witty and sly when he wants to, and is as stubborn as a mule. However he can be a bit slow on the uptake and is extremely technology-impaired, having trouble with even the most basic of computers.
Sample Post:
Well now, never fancied an outlaw like me'd be gettin' transfered this deep into the badlands. Swamps as soggy as a man's poncho in the rainy season, rats as big as a polecat, and not a saloon in sight. I reckon the chances of it are about as slim as an armadillo wranglin' a rodeo clown under a desk. Figure that's illegal in about 47 states as well, but we Texans don't go around judgin'.
Suppose I ought to be all civil like and introduce myself. Howdy folks, the name's Marshall. Jake Marshall. I'll be acting Sheriff around these here parts. Don't go gettin' your reigns in a twist now, I ain't no fancy uptown sheriff, don't have the merits for that anymore. In fact this here badge is made out of 100% Texan plywood. Just like Ma used to use in her world famous chili; it's that good ol' fashioned home Southern cooking that puts hair on your chest and a gallon in your hat. You city folk wouldn't know anything about that though, with your new fangled chili on dawgs and such. They'll shoot you for that in Texas.
I see most of you've gotten to know the ins and outs of this home on the wet range, but true cowfolk always sleep with one eye open and one leg over the saddle. Never know when some low life rustlers are gonna rustle your gym socks. Even worse, this here is the birthplace of them Zombijo Indians. Folks thought we struck a treaty back during the gold rush, but every man knows what they're really after. Texan tumbleweed. That there crop is our homeland's pride and joy, Bessie bless our Texas soil. Only natural for folks to long after it even when they've gone to that big round-up in the sky.
Anyway, I figure y'all can handle things for a bit. If any of you younguns find yourselves in trouble, you call me ya hear? None of this fancy speed dial on your cell-u-lore phones. Those gizmos are about as useful as pistol named PeeWee. The true number of 911 is the number I feel in my soul when a bambina's in trouble. So when you're hog tied and it's low tide, all you have to do is look towards the sunset, and bet your spurs I'll be there, waitin' to ride on down to your rescue on my metallic steed--huh. Make a that a metallic cow.
Don't try grabbin' these doggies by their horns, pardners.
Poll Vote!
Character: Nico Robin
Series: One Piece
Age: 28
Job: Culture Festival Coordinator
Canon: Robin is the seventh member of a pirate crew known as the
Straw-hats, but is more of an archaelogist than pirate. Quiet, gentle, and
emotionally reserved, she loves studying history and spends most of her time
reading whilst chaos erupts around her. Usually, Robin speaks up only when
she finds something of interest. However, she has a hidden playful nature
and enjoys making macabre statements at inappropriate times. With Devil
Fruit powers that allow her to multiply a hundred copies of her body parts
on any surface she can see, she can molest strangle attackers from
yards away. Because of this, she has naught but an amused smile for imminent
danger.
Due to her tragic backstory, Robin's left jaded with a chockload of Issues,
so she distances herself from people and calls them by their titles instead
of their names (eg. Sanji = Cook-san). All the same, she remains to be the
most intelligent, the most sensible, and without a doubt, the most sexy
member of the Straw-hat crew.
Note: Robin is taken after the Enies Lobby arc.
Sample Post:
My. Is it always this lively here?
I had arrived on this isolated swamp region with the intention to study your
fascinating undead civilisation. Instead, your charming Director stepped out
to make a proposition - as long as I educate young children on the wonders
of archaelogy, I may study as many of her rotting subjects as I wished.
Teaching is not a style I'm familiar with, but it is rather difficult to
refuse when one is dangled over a pit of boiling water.
Having said that, good morning children. As of today, I shall be your new
culture festival coordinator. Ninja and their dots, pilots and their war
angst, athletes and their closet homoerotic desires, these are but a few of
the colourful customs you can share with each other. And what better way to
promote understanding than monthly festivals in celebration of their most
special traits?
--ah, Savepoint-san, a refill on this exquisite toucan juice please.
Where was I? Oh yes. Take, as an example, the culture I am most familiar
with - one of pirates. Rather unfortunate that alcohol is banned here, but
I'm sure an elegant cocktail of fruits will unmask a range of hangovers for
you. Generous little creatures, these darling save points are more than
willing to guide you on treasure hunts through wild terrain to plunder
"booty". Given how common giant water creatures are in the high seas, a day
in the life of a pirate can even be experienced through a merry sail across
the lake. Don't worry, Rapist-san has agreed to this exercise on the terms
that she will keep the raft intact for the next courageous soul.
Now, plans are easily made, but I'm afraid it's impossible to work entirely
on my own. Booths need to be manned, and props like the raft require strong
hands to build them. Given my lack of knowledge on your respective
traditions, you will have to be my teachers as well. How does one
manufacture such a smooth drink from wild toucans, I wonder.
I will thus require volunteers to offer their services. Interested parties,
please seek for Nico Robin in--
... why thank you, but I do believe interviews are a little difficult to
conduct in bed.
Poll Vote!
Character: Inumaru (Nickname: Wanko)
Series: The Law of Ueki
Age: 28
Job: All-Purpose Camp-Wide Deliveryman
Canon: [Ep. 22 Spoilers] In "The Law of Ueki", one hundred middle-schoolers are chosen by Heavenly Beings (or in this case: God Candidates), equipped with the most messed up powers in stock, and pitted against each other in a tournament to determine the next God. (Logic? What's that?)
Inumaru is one of the few polite, Justice-driven Candidates. In fact, when he isn't delivering exposition, freaking out at your crazy, standing on telephone poles, or getting pwned by fellow Justice-driven Candidate Kobayashi, he's being the best friend a person could ask for. Just ask his middle-schooler, Sano Seiichirou. Inumaru is sweet and loyal to those he cares about--an undeniably nice guy. But don't mistake him for a pushover; if there are people in trouble, especially his friends, he'll get serious and step up to help them. And he won't think twice about sacrificing himself for a friend's sake; he even goes so far as to send himself to Hell for Sano's sake. And for the time being he's there in the Prison of Hell, hoping for Sano's and the rest of the team's safety throughout the rest of the tournament. (Inumaru is taken from after sending himself to Hell but before the Third Round.)
Sample Post:
Despite the signs I saw back at the entrance, I'm having trouble believing that I'm actually still in Hell. Though I have to admit, this is the first original view of Hell I've seen since the recent misconceptions of brimstone, gates, and fires in discos. It's not as though I'm ungrateful for being outside again, but it'd be helpful to know where I actually am now, as there is a friend I should be looking for. You see, I was supposed to be transferred to take on the role of Delivery for a place called C.F-- hah, this is actually C.F.U.D.? ...I see, thank you. Ah, I'm sorry, I should have introduced myself. My name is Inumaru, and... apparently I'll be handling deliveries on the premises.
I would have arrived sooner, but I've been on a wild goose chase across the woods in a series of strange trades ever since I received orders for the original delivery. I was just lucky that the fourth nondescript creature lurking in the shadows eagerly traded me the intended items I needed to deliver here. I suppose he was just glad to finally have a carpet that matches his drapes. The puppy design might not have been my first choice, however... Putting that aside, he was nice about the situation, if a little enthusiastic, and was kind enough to point out the path that led out of the woods. From this and what I've seen so far, I can say that things from here on out will be interesting, to say the least!
Ah... well, I suppose while I'm stationed here, I should still work hard in the assignment I was given. So for matters of delivery, I'll be glad to help out. However, I'll have to ask that requests on people be withheld. If the person in question is actually lost then I'll certainly help to locate them and make sure they're unharmed. It's just that one request was repeated several times by various inhabitants of the woods I passed, and I wasn't sure how to bring all the boys to the yard if they weren't willing to come out. Come to think of it, the location of the yard was never specified once.
Aside from that though, if there's anything you'd like brought to someone on the premises, or conversely, brought to you, please don't hesitate to ask. People's packages are serious business, after all.
Poll Vote!
Character: Albert Silverberg
Series: Suikoden III (manga)
Age: 24
Job: Family Bonding Counselor
Canon: (spoilers!) Suikoden III is a tale of war. Specifically, war between the Grassland tribes and the Zexen Republic, which escalates until a third country decides to get in on the action. Enter the invading army of Holy Harmonia, moving to take over both Zexen and the Grasslands. Add in intrigue, True Runes with incredible power and wills of their own, a force pulling strings from behind the scenes, and Bob's your uncle.
Albert is the Harmonian army's tactician, with a reputation for being calm, calculating, and completely ruthless. Like his younger brother Caesar, he comes from a family renowned for producing clever, talented strategists. Unlike Caesar, his principle is to end a war as quickly as possible, disregarding loss of life. This makes for a very sticky brotherly relationship. It doesn't help that Albert is taciturn, unpleasantly blunt, and a prime specimen of biggus dickus socialis retardis. He downplays his actions, hides personal feelings, and has no tolerance for unnecessary details. His morals are ambiguous, at best-he condones the Grasslands' destruction, minimizes casualties by driving them out of the country, then betrays Harmonia. This is in order to assist Luc in preventing the world from fading into perfect order, thus 'preserving humanity's future.' After the war, he states that as an exile, he will take a new identity and start over on a different continent. Good job, Albert.
Sample Post:
When I stipulated a wish to begin anew in this part of the world, this was not what I intended. The paper bag upon my head can and will be construed as a childish prank--one I assure you I will not suffer again. As for the collar and tags, I will confirm that my name is neither 'Fido' nor 'Mr. Fluffykins,' and that there is no call to 'return to owner.' Slavery is, after all, banned in any civilized country.
That may explain several things about this place. Nevertheless.
I have been appointed here to instruct you, no matter your level of obscenity, on proper familial relationships. This is to promote goodwill and personal esteem, focus energy into worthwhile productive activity, and remove what the pamphlet lists as a gross overabundance of Bestial Unresolved Sexual Tension-related Explosive Disasters. All in poor taste, but not without valid reason: it is true that the early bird catches the worm, that what followed was unspeakable, and that neither will ever wash out of this coat.
To end such...accidents, I will make this brief.
The concept of 'family' can be likened to that of 'allies'; gather them about you in an organized manner, against interference. Note that someone's usefulness cannot be determined by the number of limbs he or she can wedge in uncomfortable places--neither of you benefits from such overzealous attention, so remove yourself from 'Jack' at once. It also cannot be judged by his or her persistence in 'attacking from the rear.' Insubordination.
If a family is to form an effective unit, it requires discipline. Close bonds may lead to either cohesion, or complications, or simple fusion, if the reality turns out as literal-minded as the demonstration model. You, you and you, the...two of you. Desist.
...and as a final piece of advice, 'THEN YOU SET THEM ON FIRE!!!' is hardly a proper method, no matter the situation. I know it is said that the simplest plans are most effective, but this merely tries my patience.
Poll Vote!
Character: Shigure Sohma
Series: Fruits Basket
Age: 27
Job: Camp Chronicler
Canon: Fruits Basket's story is centered around Tohru, an orphan girl who ends up living with the Sohmas, a family whose member are cursed with the twelve animals of the Chinese Zodiac (and the cat). This curse causes them to turn into animals when they're weak or hugged by a member of the opposite gender.
Shigure is the dog of the zodiac, but he doesn't seem to mind much. He's a lazy, laid-back novelist who enjoys the simple things in life, such as torturing his editor, admiring pretty highschool girls, and teasing mercilessly the other members of the zodiac. He rarely shows anything resembling tact, choosing to say things as they are, regardless of who he is speaking to. Beneath the surface, and behind his somewhat charming personality, Shigure is a very smart and cunning man, whose top priority is himself, and is capable of manipulating others to his advantage without showing regret. This doesn't mean that he harbors evil intentions. In fact, he doesn't mind dragging others along in his way to get ahead.
Sample Post:
At the tender age of sixteen, Sharon was gorgeous. As gorgeous as young sixteen year olds can be. And her beauty was enhanced by the pure, innocent love she felt for Jonathan, an older male that lived nearby.
Jonathan was everything young Sharon could ever wish for; he was strong and handsome and knew where exactly the best fruits grew. Just thinking about him made Sharon's fur stand on end and her dark bluish skin feel hot. Jonathan, she knew, was an alpha male among alpha males, and the most outstanding gorilla of the nest. Yes, yes, that's all.
Next chapter will come out next week, remember that the first volume "Primate Love: An extraordinary story about love, life, and hierarchic supremacy as seen through the eyes of a working class adolescent purple gorilla," is already available through Amazon dot com~
Hello campers, I am Sohma Shigure and I have reluctan-- gladly accepted the job of Camp Chronicler. From now on I will dedicate my time to recording in my writings all the events of significance, so the generations to come can learn of the wonder that was Camp Fuck You Die.
To start off, I'd like you all to write in a five hundred words or more about your experience in camp. It can be the classic "What I've done in summer camp" or something more specific, like "When I was a girl." For the more literary inclined, I wouldn't mind getting short stories entitled "The night it rained pie." I hope you will have it done by tomorrow.
Once you are more used to exercising your creativity we will have regular, friendly story-telling contests. It occurs to me that love stories involving camp fauna might be a good theme for the first one; however I am open to suggestions. The best stories will be published in a Young Troubled Writers Anthology. All the winnings from this books will, of course, go directly to our Director, as there is no better reward than to be a published writer!
Well then, now that we're done with the introductions, I would like to see a reenactment of Mandatory Naked Day. Lovely ladies, if you'd like to participate, I promise I will make my presence as unobtrusive as possible.
Poll Vote!
Character: Sohma Hatori
Series: Fruits Basket
Age: 27
Job: Psychotherapist
Canon: Fruits Basket narrates the story of Honda Tohru, and her misadventures while living with the Sohma family. A family that is wealthy and well-known across Japan -- not to mention, occasionally incestuous. But wait, that's not all there is to them! For many generations now, they have been cursed by the vengeful spirits of the Chinese zodiac. And so, whenever thirteen unfortunate members of this lineage are embraced by a member of the opposite sex, they turn into their animal counterparts.
Hatori is the resident physician of the Sohma clan. His true talent, however, lays in his ability to erase people's memory; a skill that comes in very handy whenever the Sohmas find themselves needing to cover up the secrets of the curse. The phrase "cold as snow" has been used to describe Hatori many times before; and though he may act serious and distant most of the time, deep down he is someone very considerate, gentle, and caring -- sometimes to the point of selflessness. Hatori has a very special, ironic, and subtle sense of humour, and he often teases people by making deadpan remarks, or in Shigure's very special case, by deliberately missing when he gives him shots.
Hatori is cursed by the dragon of the zodiac, but due to special circumstances, he turns into a seahorse instead. That's right, folks! One of the only two species in the whole animal kingdom capable of MPREG!
Sample Post:
While it is always appreciated to receive a warm welcome upon one's arrival (especially in the middle of the winter), I do believe you may be taking the definition of 'warm' one step too far. Have you ever considered changing the diet of those firebreathing ducklings to something perhaps... less flammable?
But more to the point, my name is Sohma Hatori, and I have been designated as Camp Psychotherapist. Fundamentally, my job consists of improving people's mental health by aiding them in dealing with difficult memories. I would also like to clarify that even though my area of expertise is biological medicine, I am quite... experienced -for lack of a better word- with psychotherapy itself. So as long as everyone is willing to cooperate during our sessions, this should not be a cause for concern.
I have been reviewing the serious pol-- ... the files I received upon my arrival, and it has come to my attention that a number of you may be suffering from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, due to the nature of this place. From what I gather, a number of you have been exposed to things such as: childhood trauma, sexual abuse, natural catastrophes, violent attacks, near-death experiences, and... cannibalism (even though the baby was okay), among others. This is something that I cannot help but find worrisome, given that I will most likely have to tend to the majority of you at some point. So in order for me to make better and more personalized diagnoses, we shall have a brief session now.
First, we will start with talk therapy. I would like for you to tell each other about your camp experiences. For example, if your first encounter with the undead involved unnecessary gnawing, like mine, or the number of camp infections you have contracted during your stay. This will allow you to find other people who have been in similar circumstances, and get together in groups to discuss them. Venting should help you relax, and start working on getting over any traumatic episodes you may have suffered.
I will be walking around, listening to your conversations, and if there's anything you would like to share directly with me, just-- ...oh? Pardon me?
...
Well, if that's how you want to begin. Please, show me on the anatomically correct doll where the lake monster touched you. And for the last time, Madam. No. I am definitely not interested in carrying your baby tentacle monster, no matter how 'traditional' you may claim it is.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. You guys have been awesome about voting. Great job, keep it up! I think we're done here.
Character: Kurosaki Isshin
Series: Bleach (manga)
Age: Legally and physically early to mid-40s, but actually much older
Job: Official Multi-Purpose Father Stand-In
Canon: Once upon a time Isshin married a woman who was more interested in his personality than his rugged manly good looks and that whole "doctor" thing. She was the most perfect wife and mother in the history of ever and they loved each other very much, so even though she's been dead six years now he feels completely justified in refusing to move on. His gigantic poster of her might be a bit much, but it drives his kids nuts so he keeps it prominently displayed.
These days Isshin concerns himself with providing for his three beloved children, caring for the people of Karakura via his cozy little clinic, keeping his son both in line and on his toes via unprovoked sneak attacks, calling in favors at the hospital from his old buddy Ishida, and generally going overboard in his unending quest to hide his utter coolness. Smoking? He's down to one cigarette a year as a romantic gesture to his darling Masaki. Having a serious moment? Watch out for knees aimed at your kidneys. All his sparkly love is an excellent way to (put your spoiler goggles on!) keep anyone from suspecting that wow, what do you know, Isshin used to be a shinigami too!
Sample Post:
Greetings, inhabitants of this lovely and practical-looking swamp! I have come to take my beloved only son, Kurosaki Ichigo, home to his adoring sisters! Could one of you go find him? Great!
While we wait for my son to arrive, I would like to take the time to combine my knowledge as a doctor and my experience as the world's most devoted father to properly address a matter which was mentioned by a gorilla who seemed very intent on using me as one of those creepy talking teddy bears during the flight over: the lack of parental supervision. So many of you are at an age when adult guidance is more important than ever, and yet you are stranded here without trusted parents! Who can you turn to when the inevitable heartbreak of that first summer love's end approaches? Who can you rely on to tell you the beautiful physiological truth of what happens when Mommy and Daddy decide they want to give you siblings to treasure? Who helps put the band-aids on when you fall out of the panty tree? Who defends your honor when even you don't care about it?
For this reason, I plan to act with your best interests in mind, my children! Help me get fired and the Kurosaki Clinic can be your new home with me as your kind and always understanding father! Space will be tight until renovations can be made, of course, but think of the experience! It's not for everyone--in my household you're expected to block first and answer questions later, and--ICHIGO! HOW DARE YOU MAKE YOUR FATHER WAIT WHEN HE ACCEPTED THIS JOB ON FOREIGN SOIL FOR NO PURPOSE BUT TO SEE YOUR ETERNALLY SCOWLING FACE? DON'T GIVE ME ANY OF YOUR EXCUSES, ZOMBIES ARE TOO SLOW TO POSE A HINDRANCE TO THE FRUIT OF MY LOINS! NOW GET OVER HERE, SIT DOWN AND SET A GOOD EXAMPLE FOR YOUR NEW SIBLINGS!
What was I saying? Ah, yes, my rules are the height of delinquency prevention, but the meals are delicious and, as you can see from that very affectionate glare my son is giving me, the love is palpable. Come on and palpate the love, kids, it's squishy!
Poll Vote!
Character: Gilbert Dullindal
Series: Gundam Seed Destiny
Age: 32
Job: Fertility Doctor
Canon: The Gundam series as of late has always thrived on two things; really awesome fighting robots and pilot emo. Gundam Seed Destiny is no different, providing copious amounts of both. The series focuses on the plight of ZAFT and EAF fighting an ongoing war of discrimination and hatred against coordinators. Toss in a few reckless and stubborn youths on each side, lots of emotional distress, and searching for life's meaning while taking hot showers and you have Seed Destiny.
But of course for every young and vigorous pilot, there’s always a badass mastermind in the shadows. Enter Gilbert Dullindal, the head of ZAFT and a pioneer of peace and understanding between Coordinators and Naturals. His speeches are poetic and inspire the hearts of many to follow him on his path. And when one listens to him, it is a majestic goal indeed. OR SO IT SEEMS. His plan to rid the world of war and discrimination involves a massive prescription of genetic manipulation to "optimize" the abilities of each person living on earth. In truth, he is manipulative and conniving, playing everyone like pawns in a chess game. And to think, if he wasn't dumped by a buxom babe of a ship captain, this may never have happened.
Sample Post:
Madame Director, you give me an offer I simply cannot refuse. Since this seems to be beneficial for the both of us, it would just be unwise for me to not accept. And in offering my services to you, I hope that together we can cultivate a new generation of campers to direct our hopes, dreams, and murderous accusations at.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Gilbert Dullindal, and I have been brought into camp as your fertility doctor. There seem to be a few familiar faces, and those may know me as the former PLANT Chairman of the High Council. Now, I'm sure some of you have been here long enough to consider consummating your relationship with your loved one, yet finding it difficult to do so. Perhaps it is the awkwardness of the situation. Others often find it troubling when they are put on the spot to perform. Or perhaps, it is simply much too difficult to do so when in the body of plush puppets after attempting to engage in sexual conduct.
In any case, I am not here to admonish your behaviour in the bedroom, though my office is always open should you need to discuss such matters. I am here to provide you campers with an alternate solution for your desires to become affluent in the ways of parenthood. As a geneticist, I am sure I can help you choose your progeny's characteristics. However, as with all things, there are a few rules that one should consider. Do keep in mind that despite your greatest wishes, I would have to decline a request to produce a so-called unholy love-child between an undead pile of flesh and a primate. Not only would that be a crime to humanity, I can also assure you that there are very little, if any, merits for such a combination. Except, of course, should creating such a hybrid produce a mass hysteria large enough to cause a rift in the barrier, then by all means I wish you luck in that aspect.
With such a varied genetic pool in this small camp alone, should one would want to enhance certain special characteristics in your future child, I'm sure it can be done. This means should you want your child to grow up with neon green hair, become immune to most diseases, channel mind telepathy and shoot lasers out of their eyes, we can make arrangements. You may be slightly disappointed about the lasers though. However, do keep in mind that your offspring is not a novelty toy, and should be treated with the utmost love and care. For a troubled childhood may lead to the path least desired, one where hope is dashed and the poor child has to mask their physical face from society and channel their anger into creating massive weapons of destruction to annihilate the very existence of humanity and... well, that's an entirely different story for another time.
Any willing volunteers? I assure you that there's nothing to be afraid of.
Poll Vote!
Character: Jake Marshall
Series: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney
Age: 33
Job: Recreation Supervisor...will refer to himself as a sheriff, however.
Canon: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney is the infamously known 'Gay Lawyer Game' for the Nintendo DS. Questions of sexuality aside, it's a game where the player takes on the role of a rookie attorney and attempts to solve puzzles and get his client proven innocent. Along the way he encounters wacky side characters, unlikely evidence, and plot lines ranging from silly to outright dark and dangerous.
Jake Marshall is one of the many wacky side characters. He's an ex-detective turned ex-patrolcop and security guard thanks to some dealings in a case later in the game. More importantly, for some reason he believes he's a cowboy. He talks the cowboy talk, is pretty gung-ho, and will speak to anyone and everyone while shaving his face with a knife. He even keeps three pet cacti in his office. Despite this, he can be pretty witty and sly when he wants to, and is as stubborn as a mule. However he can be a bit slow on the uptake and is extremely technology-impaired, having trouble with even the most basic of computers.
Sample Post:
Well now, never fancied an outlaw like me'd be gettin' transfered this deep into the badlands. Swamps as soggy as a man's poncho in the rainy season, rats as big as a polecat, and not a saloon in sight. I reckon the chances of it are about as slim as an armadillo wranglin' a rodeo clown under a desk. Figure that's illegal in about 47 states as well, but we Texans don't go around judgin'.
Suppose I ought to be all civil like and introduce myself. Howdy folks, the name's Marshall. Jake Marshall. I'll be acting Sheriff around these here parts. Don't go gettin' your reigns in a twist now, I ain't no fancy uptown sheriff, don't have the merits for that anymore. In fact this here badge is made out of 100% Texan plywood. Just like Ma used to use in her world famous chili; it's that good ol' fashioned home Southern cooking that puts hair on your chest and a gallon in your hat. You city folk wouldn't know anything about that though, with your new fangled chili on dawgs and such. They'll shoot you for that in Texas.
I see most of you've gotten to know the ins and outs of this home on the wet range, but true cowfolk always sleep with one eye open and one leg over the saddle. Never know when some low life rustlers are gonna rustle your gym socks. Even worse, this here is the birthplace of them Zombijo Indians. Folks thought we struck a treaty back during the gold rush, but every man knows what they're really after. Texan tumbleweed. That there crop is our homeland's pride and joy, Bessie bless our Texas soil. Only natural for folks to long after it even when they've gone to that big round-up in the sky.
Anyway, I figure y'all can handle things for a bit. If any of you younguns find yourselves in trouble, you call me ya hear? None of this fancy speed dial on your cell-u-lore phones. Those gizmos are about as useful as pistol named PeeWee. The true number of 911 is the number I feel in my soul when a bambina's in trouble. So when you're hog tied and it's low tide, all you have to do is look towards the sunset, and bet your spurs I'll be there, waitin' to ride on down to your rescue on my metallic steed--huh. Make a that a metallic cow.
Don't try grabbin' these doggies by their horns, pardners.
Poll Vote!
Character: Nico Robin
Series: One Piece
Age: 28
Job: Culture Festival Coordinator
Canon: Robin is the seventh member of a pirate crew known as the
Straw-hats, but is more of an archaelogist than pirate. Quiet, gentle, and
emotionally reserved, she loves studying history and spends most of her time
reading whilst chaos erupts around her. Usually, Robin speaks up only when
she finds something of interest. However, she has a hidden playful nature
and enjoys making macabre statements at inappropriate times. With Devil
Fruit powers that allow her to multiply a hundred copies of her body parts
on any surface she can see, she can molest strangle attackers from
yards away. Because of this, she has naught but an amused smile for imminent
danger.
Due to her tragic backstory, Robin's left jaded with a chockload of Issues,
so she distances herself from people and calls them by their titles instead
of their names (eg. Sanji = Cook-san). All the same, she remains to be the
most intelligent, the most sensible, and without a doubt, the most sexy
member of the Straw-hat crew.
Note: Robin is taken after the Enies Lobby arc.
Sample Post:
My. Is it always this lively here?
I had arrived on this isolated swamp region with the intention to study your
fascinating undead civilisation. Instead, your charming Director stepped out
to make a proposition - as long as I educate young children on the wonders
of archaelogy, I may study as many of her rotting subjects as I wished.
Teaching is not a style I'm familiar with, but it is rather difficult to
refuse when one is dangled over a pit of boiling water.
Having said that, good morning children. As of today, I shall be your new
culture festival coordinator. Ninja and their dots, pilots and their war
angst, athletes and their closet homoerotic desires, these are but a few of
the colourful customs you can share with each other. And what better way to
promote understanding than monthly festivals in celebration of their most
special traits?
--ah, Savepoint-san, a refill on this exquisite toucan juice please.
Where was I? Oh yes. Take, as an example, the culture I am most familiar
with - one of pirates. Rather unfortunate that alcohol is banned here, but
I'm sure an elegant cocktail of fruits will unmask a range of hangovers for
you. Generous little creatures, these darling save points are more than
willing to guide you on treasure hunts through wild terrain to plunder
"booty". Given how common giant water creatures are in the high seas, a day
in the life of a pirate can even be experienced through a merry sail across
the lake. Don't worry, Rapist-san has agreed to this exercise on the terms
that she will keep the raft intact for the next courageous soul.
Now, plans are easily made, but I'm afraid it's impossible to work entirely
on my own. Booths need to be manned, and props like the raft require strong
hands to build them. Given my lack of knowledge on your respective
traditions, you will have to be my teachers as well. How does one
manufacture such a smooth drink from wild toucans, I wonder.
I will thus require volunteers to offer their services. Interested parties,
please seek for Nico Robin in--
... why thank you, but I do believe interviews are a little difficult to
conduct in bed.
Poll Vote!
Character: Inumaru (Nickname: Wanko)
Series: The Law of Ueki
Age: 28
Job: All-Purpose Camp-Wide Deliveryman
Canon: [Ep. 22 Spoilers] In "The Law of Ueki", one hundred middle-schoolers are chosen by Heavenly Beings (or in this case: God Candidates), equipped with the most messed up powers in stock, and pitted against each other in a tournament to determine the next God. (Logic? What's that?)
Inumaru is one of the few polite, Justice-driven Candidates. In fact, when he isn't delivering exposition, freaking out at your crazy, standing on telephone poles, or getting pwned by fellow Justice-driven Candidate Kobayashi, he's being the best friend a person could ask for. Just ask his middle-schooler, Sano Seiichirou. Inumaru is sweet and loyal to those he cares about--an undeniably nice guy. But don't mistake him for a pushover; if there are people in trouble, especially his friends, he'll get serious and step up to help them. And he won't think twice about sacrificing himself for a friend's sake; he even goes so far as to send himself to Hell for Sano's sake. And for the time being he's there in the Prison of Hell, hoping for Sano's and the rest of the team's safety throughout the rest of the tournament. (Inumaru is taken from after sending himself to Hell but before the Third Round.)
Sample Post:
Despite the signs I saw back at the entrance, I'm having trouble believing that I'm actually still in Hell. Though I have to admit, this is the first original view of Hell I've seen since the recent misconceptions of brimstone, gates, and fires in discos. It's not as though I'm ungrateful for being outside again, but it'd be helpful to know where I actually am now, as there is a friend I should be looking for. You see, I was supposed to be transferred to take on the role of Delivery for a place called C.F-- hah, this is actually C.F.U.D.? ...I see, thank you. Ah, I'm sorry, I should have introduced myself. My name is Inumaru, and... apparently I'll be handling deliveries on the premises.
I would have arrived sooner, but I've been on a wild goose chase across the woods in a series of strange trades ever since I received orders for the original delivery. I was just lucky that the fourth nondescript creature lurking in the shadows eagerly traded me the intended items I needed to deliver here. I suppose he was just glad to finally have a carpet that matches his drapes. The puppy design might not have been my first choice, however... Putting that aside, he was nice about the situation, if a little enthusiastic, and was kind enough to point out the path that led out of the woods. From this and what I've seen so far, I can say that things from here on out will be interesting, to say the least!
Ah... well, I suppose while I'm stationed here, I should still work hard in the assignment I was given. So for matters of delivery, I'll be glad to help out. However, I'll have to ask that requests on people be withheld. If the person in question is actually lost then I'll certainly help to locate them and make sure they're unharmed. It's just that one request was repeated several times by various inhabitants of the woods I passed, and I wasn't sure how to bring all the boys to the yard if they weren't willing to come out. Come to think of it, the location of the yard was never specified once.
Aside from that though, if there's anything you'd like brought to someone on the premises, or conversely, brought to you, please don't hesitate to ask. People's packages are serious business, after all.
Poll Vote!
Character: Albert Silverberg
Series: Suikoden III (manga)
Age: 24
Job: Family Bonding Counselor
Canon: (spoilers!) Suikoden III is a tale of war. Specifically, war between the Grassland tribes and the Zexen Republic, which escalates until a third country decides to get in on the action. Enter the invading army of Holy Harmonia, moving to take over both Zexen and the Grasslands. Add in intrigue, True Runes with incredible power and wills of their own, a force pulling strings from behind the scenes, and Bob's your uncle.
Albert is the Harmonian army's tactician, with a reputation for being calm, calculating, and completely ruthless. Like his younger brother Caesar, he comes from a family renowned for producing clever, talented strategists. Unlike Caesar, his principle is to end a war as quickly as possible, disregarding loss of life. This makes for a very sticky brotherly relationship. It doesn't help that Albert is taciturn, unpleasantly blunt, and a prime specimen of biggus dickus socialis retardis. He downplays his actions, hides personal feelings, and has no tolerance for unnecessary details. His morals are ambiguous, at best-he condones the Grasslands' destruction, minimizes casualties by driving them out of the country, then betrays Harmonia. This is in order to assist Luc in preventing the world from fading into perfect order, thus 'preserving humanity's future.' After the war, he states that as an exile, he will take a new identity and start over on a different continent. Good job, Albert.
Sample Post:
When I stipulated a wish to begin anew in this part of the world, this was not what I intended. The paper bag upon my head can and will be construed as a childish prank--one I assure you I will not suffer again. As for the collar and tags, I will confirm that my name is neither 'Fido' nor 'Mr. Fluffykins,' and that there is no call to 'return to owner.' Slavery is, after all, banned in any civilized country.
That may explain several things about this place. Nevertheless.
I have been appointed here to instruct you, no matter your level of obscenity, on proper familial relationships. This is to promote goodwill and personal esteem, focus energy into worthwhile productive activity, and remove what the pamphlet lists as a gross overabundance of Bestial Unresolved Sexual Tension-related Explosive Disasters. All in poor taste, but not without valid reason: it is true that the early bird catches the worm, that what followed was unspeakable, and that neither will ever wash out of this coat.
To end such...accidents, I will make this brief.
The concept of 'family' can be likened to that of 'allies'; gather them about you in an organized manner, against interference. Note that someone's usefulness cannot be determined by the number of limbs he or she can wedge in uncomfortable places--neither of you benefits from such overzealous attention, so remove yourself from 'Jack' at once. It also cannot be judged by his or her persistence in 'attacking from the rear.' Insubordination.
If a family is to form an effective unit, it requires discipline. Close bonds may lead to either cohesion, or complications, or simple fusion, if the reality turns out as literal-minded as the demonstration model. You, you and you, the...two of you. Desist.
...and as a final piece of advice, 'THEN YOU SET THEM ON FIRE!!!' is hardly a proper method, no matter the situation. I know it is said that the simplest plans are most effective, but this merely tries my patience.
Poll Vote!
Character: Shigure Sohma
Series: Fruits Basket
Age: 27
Job: Camp Chronicler
Canon: Fruits Basket's story is centered around Tohru, an orphan girl who ends up living with the Sohmas, a family whose member are cursed with the twelve animals of the Chinese Zodiac (and the cat). This curse causes them to turn into animals when they're weak or hugged by a member of the opposite gender.
Shigure is the dog of the zodiac, but he doesn't seem to mind much. He's a lazy, laid-back novelist who enjoys the simple things in life, such as torturing his editor, admiring pretty highschool girls, and teasing mercilessly the other members of the zodiac. He rarely shows anything resembling tact, choosing to say things as they are, regardless of who he is speaking to. Beneath the surface, and behind his somewhat charming personality, Shigure is a very smart and cunning man, whose top priority is himself, and is capable of manipulating others to his advantage without showing regret. This doesn't mean that he harbors evil intentions. In fact, he doesn't mind dragging others along in his way to get ahead.
Sample Post:
At the tender age of sixteen, Sharon was gorgeous. As gorgeous as young sixteen year olds can be. And her beauty was enhanced by the pure, innocent love she felt for Jonathan, an older male that lived nearby.
Jonathan was everything young Sharon could ever wish for; he was strong and handsome and knew where exactly the best fruits grew. Just thinking about him made Sharon's fur stand on end and her dark bluish skin feel hot. Jonathan, she knew, was an alpha male among alpha males, and the most outstanding gorilla of the nest. Yes, yes, that's all.
Next chapter will come out next week, remember that the first volume "Primate Love: An extraordinary story about love, life, and hierarchic supremacy as seen through the eyes of a working class adolescent purple gorilla," is already available through Amazon dot com~
Hello campers, I am Sohma Shigure and I have reluctan-- gladly accepted the job of Camp Chronicler. From now on I will dedicate my time to recording in my writings all the events of significance, so the generations to come can learn of the wonder that was Camp Fuck You Die.
To start off, I'd like you all to write in a five hundred words or more about your experience in camp. It can be the classic "What I've done in summer camp" or something more specific, like "When I was a girl." For the more literary inclined, I wouldn't mind getting short stories entitled "The night it rained pie." I hope you will have it done by tomorrow.
Once you are more used to exercising your creativity we will have regular, friendly story-telling contests. It occurs to me that love stories involving camp fauna might be a good theme for the first one; however I am open to suggestions. The best stories will be published in a Young Troubled Writers Anthology. All the winnings from this books will, of course, go directly to our Director, as there is no better reward than to be a published writer!
Well then, now that we're done with the introductions, I would like to see a reenactment of Mandatory Naked Day. Lovely ladies, if you'd like to participate, I promise I will make my presence as unobtrusive as possible.
Poll Vote!
Character: Sohma Hatori
Series: Fruits Basket
Age: 27
Job: Psychotherapist
Canon: Fruits Basket narrates the story of Honda Tohru, and her misadventures while living with the Sohma family. A family that is wealthy and well-known across Japan -- not to mention, occasionally incestuous. But wait, that's not all there is to them! For many generations now, they have been cursed by the vengeful spirits of the Chinese zodiac. And so, whenever thirteen unfortunate members of this lineage are embraced by a member of the opposite sex, they turn into their animal counterparts.
Hatori is the resident physician of the Sohma clan. His true talent, however, lays in his ability to erase people's memory; a skill that comes in very handy whenever the Sohmas find themselves needing to cover up the secrets of the curse. The phrase "cold as snow" has been used to describe Hatori many times before; and though he may act serious and distant most of the time, deep down he is someone very considerate, gentle, and caring -- sometimes to the point of selflessness. Hatori has a very special, ironic, and subtle sense of humour, and he often teases people by making deadpan remarks, or in Shigure's very special case, by deliberately missing when he gives him shots.
Hatori is cursed by the dragon of the zodiac, but due to special circumstances, he turns into a seahorse instead. That's right, folks! One of the only two species in the whole animal kingdom capable of MPREG!
Sample Post:
While it is always appreciated to receive a warm welcome upon one's arrival (especially in the middle of the winter), I do believe you may be taking the definition of 'warm' one step too far. Have you ever considered changing the diet of those firebreathing ducklings to something perhaps... less flammable?
But more to the point, my name is Sohma Hatori, and I have been designated as Camp Psychotherapist. Fundamentally, my job consists of improving people's mental health by aiding them in dealing with difficult memories. I would also like to clarify that even though my area of expertise is biological medicine, I am quite... experienced -for lack of a better word- with psychotherapy itself. So as long as everyone is willing to cooperate during our sessions, this should not be a cause for concern.
I have been reviewing the serious pol-- ... the files I received upon my arrival, and it has come to my attention that a number of you may be suffering from Post-traumatic Stress Disorder, due to the nature of this place. From what I gather, a number of you have been exposed to things such as: childhood trauma, sexual abuse, natural catastrophes, violent attacks, near-death experiences, and... cannibalism (even though the baby was okay), among others. This is something that I cannot help but find worrisome, given that I will most likely have to tend to the majority of you at some point. So in order for me to make better and more personalized diagnoses, we shall have a brief session now.
First, we will start with talk therapy. I would like for you to tell each other about your camp experiences. For example, if your first encounter with the undead involved unnecessary gnawing, like mine, or the number of camp infections you have contracted during your stay. This will allow you to find other people who have been in similar circumstances, and get together in groups to discuss them. Venting should help you relax, and start working on getting over any traumatic episodes you may have suffered.
I will be walking around, listening to your conversations, and if there's anything you would like to share directly with me, just-- ...oh? Pardon me?
...
Well, if that's how you want to begin. Please, show me on the anatomically correct doll where the lake monster touched you. And for the last time, Madam. No. I am definitely not interested in carrying your baby tentacle monster, no matter how 'traditional' you may claim it is.
Poll Vote!