(no subject)
OH MAN I HAVE FIFTEEN MINUTES TO TOSS THIS UP. CAN I DO IT??
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE.. We're good here! Clooosed.
Character: Deadpool AKA Wade T. Wilson AKA The Merc With A Mouth
Series: Deadpool, Cable & Deadpool, arguably Agent X as well.
Character Age: Not revealed. Sekrit like Wolverine.
Job: Camp Psychologist
Canon: Hi, I'm Wade Wilson, better known as Deadpool the Merc with a- oh, I'm too early? Okay. I'll just be over there.
Canon: Wade Wilson is a mercenary for hire, with amazing strength, agility, skill, and a regeneration factor that was literally copied from Wolverine. However most of his opponents would agree that his biggest weapon is his mouth, and the fact that no matter what you do, he will NOT SHUT UP. He continues to wise crack and taunt enemies through any sort of situation.
Until recently, Wade was literally insane. Nobody really noticed his recovery, though.
Deadpool cares not for your fourth wall, making references to things outside of his own canon, things he couldn't possibly know about.
Notes: Bea Arthur is one of the Golden Girls, the freakishly tall one. His obsession with her is never really explained. And that sheer amount of bold and italic is also canon.
Sample Post:
AHHHHH!
AHHHHH!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Man, I love screaming. Nothin' else gives your vocal cords the extensive workout. It's like a gym for your voice!
Anyway, I'm Wade Wilson, also known as Deadpool, the Merc with a Mouth! I was told I get to break all kind of fourth wall boundaries because this is an app, and not a post! We'll have fun, I promise! And nobody will have to take it in the butt! Unless of course, you want to!
I just got briefed on this place and let me tell you I'm impressed, but disappointed it took you so long to see that one thing you lacked was a genuine Grade A Deadpool. I mean, you can have your choice of anyone in the multiverse if I understand correctly, but not me? Along the same note, not Bea? Who better to snark at your kids than the geriatric woman who has stolen my heart?
Oh, I got distracted. Where was I- right! The job. So Kitty, I can call you Kitty right? No? I'll take that as as yes, madame Director. You know you love it. Anyway, Kitty, how much does this gig pay? I'm not goin' to go in and babysit kids out of the goodness of my own heart y'know. A money order! That's what I'm talking about. That's a lot of zeros! Oh me oh my- It feels like Chrismas in July! I'm a poet and didn't know it! With this kind of moolah, I can finally afford those breast implants I've always wanted! I'll be the dame of the mercenary world-- they'll call me Lady Deadpool, the Merc with gazoongas! Or in England--capital knockers.
I guess I'll have to introduce myself to the snot-nosed brats soon- so I better practice. Tell me what you think. I'm trying to be 'down with it', y'know? Make the kids think I'm 'on the level' and 'keepin it real'. "Hey kids! It's me, your friendly neighborhood Deadpool here, with an announcement! I'm going to be one of your Camp Psychologists for a while, yo! That means if you're kickin it freestyle and want a bit o' honey? You come see me and we'll work somethin' out."
What d'you think? Pretty impressive or too 'funky fresh'? I managed to get my point across and not ONCE mentioned the zombies, gorillas, and toucans! Will the toucans lead me to a pot of froot loops? No, that was leprechauns. Arr, after me lucky charms are ye? Dey be down in Davy Jones locker they be! Arrr! Avast! Avast ye! Sure, I could've listed stuff like how you have your own personal Canada (mounties! I'll love them and hug them and kick them forever!), that those nubile Young Avengers are around (I have a weak spot for how ripped Hulkling is), but I won't, because then the app will be all disjointed and feel like I'm reading off a list! And not even a numbered list! I do love my numbered lists.
If you still have any doubts about me, Kitty, you could always call one of my references! The ones that aren't dead at least, funny how common that is, and they'll tell you what they tell me! "Oh Deadpool, you always remind me how much worse off I could be. If only you were around three weeks ago I could've saved on therapy." It's enough to make you feel warm and fuzzy inside!
So, to end this app on a funny note (that's what people usually like right? I've never been apped before.) I'll let you guys in on the secret to my success. It's the Deadpool 10 Steps to Sanity program! Usually I only reveal the first eight steps, but you'll get the whole shebang!
1. Step One: Drink from the far side of a cup.
2. Step Two: Buckle your shoe.
3. Step Three and Four: Knock at the door.
4. Step Five and Six: Pick up chicks.
5. Step Seven and Eight: Lay them straight. (If you know what I mean!)
6. Step Nine: ???
7. Step Ten: Profit!
Of course, by the time anyone ever gets to those last two steps I've already taken their money and they have some sort of STD. But oh, that's the price you pay to stay sane! It works for me! So leave it to- oh, we've run out of space? But I haven't even told you about the time I killed the Messiah! Hey, what are you doing with that syringe?
Ooh, pretty polls.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Dr Pamela Isley (Poison Ivy)
Series: Batman: The Animated Series
Age: Unknown, probably late twenties
Job: Head Gardener
Canon: In Gotham City, war was beginning. Superheroes and supervillains, all with strangely fitting names, battle it out to see whether or not crime really does pay. Despite being somewhat outclassed by the bad guys' mutated superpowers, the good guys always win. Possibly because they don't need to stop and make terrible jokes all the time.
One of the bad guys is Doctor Pamela Isley, better known as Poison Ivy. Slinky, sultry and sexy, Poison Ivy is just like your old-fashioned movie femme fatale - emphasis on the 'fatale'. Like most of Batman's villains, her name means pretty much what it says - this girl's poison, and has an unrivaled bond with and power over anything botanical. Her unique body chemistry means she's almost more plant than human, and her favorite pastime is endlessly monologuing about how wonderful plants are and how humans are incredibly destructive. She treats plants like beloved children, which is somewhat disturbing when you consider that she also really, really likes them badtouching her.
Sample post:
Who's my little precious? Who's the most adorable widdle viney-wine ever? Yes, you are! Mmm, that tickles~!
...
What are you staring at? Haven't you ever met anyone who appreciates plants properly before? I have to say, the way you...people treat the plants here is just disgusting. Perhaps you don't know any better, but don't worry - that's all about to change. You see, I'm your new head gardener, and I'll teach you all about loving plants, not abusing them. You all seem to have such an aversion to getting down and dirty. When I'm done, you'll really take a lichen to the wonderful flora who share the camp with you.
Shall we begin?
Good. Now, the trees. They're only trying to be friendly, and you're all so cruel to them. It's only to be expected of your kind, but let me tell you, it won't be tolerated any more. This was their place first - you can't just set up a camp in the middle of a forest, cutting down trees, destroying lives, and expect them to take it lying down! Then you act surprised when they try to make you take it lying...you know what I mean. You'll have to find other ways to communicate with them - 'iyaaaaan' isn't something they understand, you know.
Most of you have already encountered the mistletoe, haven't you? What a selfless plant, trying to promote peace and goodwill and love amongst all mankind! And you try to kill it with fire? Fire is a never solution. Unless you're defending yourself and your plants against loggers or rabbits or pesky superheroes. I won't say I've never given in to the temptation myself, but there's a time and place, you know? And viciously attacking innocent plants is not the time or the place. You have to take proper care of them.
And just look at the state of this poor Megalorrhizus induviae! 'Panty tree', indeed! If you'd just give it more nutrients - is it really that hard to keep those walking grey humans buried? They'd make such excellent fertilizer - it would be producing whole outfits for all of you! You don't understand, all of these plants just want to help you and your kind. They're so forgiving.
But I am not. Don't worry, my darlings~ Ivy's here now, none of these humans will ever hurt you again. No they won't. Nooooo they won't.
I'll only tell you all once, so you'd better remember: mistreating plants is the root of all evil. But there's always thyme to mend your ways.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Terazuma Hajime
Series: Yami no Matsuei
Age: mid-twenties
Job: Stand-in Girl Scout/Girl Guide Troop Leader
Canon: Yami no Matsuei, aka "Wormholes 'R' Us," is the series which stars a metric tonne of zany shnigami (Guardians of Death). Their job is to reap wandering souls and, unofficially, most of the cast spends their time swooning over one Tsuzuki Asato.
Terazuma Hajime is one of the few exceptions to this unwritten law. In fact, he pretty much hates Tsuzuki, whom he considers to be as useful as a lantern at noon (read: 110% useless). It's easy to see that Terazuma's blunt and abrasive nature always comes shining through, even when his deductive reasoning skills fail. He believes in utilizing his power to the maximum and becomes irritated when other people do not. His only real social bond is the one he shares with his partner, Kannuki Wakaba. Hers is a very important job---she is the only person who can 'seal' him. Terazuma, you see, turns into a rampaging dog-like being of mass destruction whenever he is touched by a girl or a pretty boy.
Sample App:
Damn it... All right, let's get one thing straight. I'm not here because all of you managed to fall for the same stupid trap. Bravo to that director. How did all two hundred or however many of you manage to fall for an all-expenses-paid year-round summer camp ad?! THERE'S NO SUCH THING. Nobody gives away anything like that without some kinda catch!
And so I'm here on recon. What that means is I'm stuck coming here because five people from my department and one noontime lantern fell for the damn trap. For their sakes, there better have been some real iron bars, too. This assignment is weak.
And that's another thing! Who was the guy in charge of that undead population, huh?! Nearly a thousand of those things thought I'd want an invite to their house-warming party! I'm surprised you can't hear the noise from here, they're down on that Broken Dreams Boulevard or whatever. The only thing stronger than the music is the stink. They can't dance, either.
Yeah, I get it. It's a thriller night. Now LAY OFF. Undead junk twice-over is still junk.
Look, I'm not the one trying to dick around here. That's those idiots' jobs. This is an in-and-out assignment. The way I figure it, I've got one shot and not a whole lot of time to get this done right. Right now, I'm even going to ignore all your snickering.
So where are these guys? I came here to this swamp to---yeah that's right, zombie, I came here. Don't think I don't know how I got here! Unlike you, I came to this trap and---
...
DAMN IT.
Poll Vote!
Name: Mia Fey
Series: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (Gyakuten Saiban)
Age: 27
Job: Post-mortem advisor
Canon: Ahh, Phoenix Wright. It's every lovable, action-packed, cracky, shounen retard anime you have ever watched: now played out by lawyers. In a world where it's perfectly acceptable to whip those you disagree with and fourth grade angst is a reasonable motivation to go into law, Mia Fey is something like a voice of reason. She was a young but already well-known defense attorney with a fiery passion(!) and an iron will(!!), who won her cases by following the true way of a defense attorney(!!1!). She was willing to go to any lengths, even at the risk of her own life, in the pursuit of justice. Mia was a caring, compassionate individual (if a little prone to violent bouts of "tough love") with a passionate sense of justice, who was willing to give everything in pursuit of doing "the right thing." She helped dozens of innocent people clear their names. She set Phoenix on the path to follow his dreams to become a defense attorney. Then she was brutally beaten to death in her own office. Suck. :(
However, just because she's now dead doesn't mean she's not still a central character. You see, before entering the action-packed world of law, Mia Fey was a spirit medium. Enter Maya, Mia's little sister, amature ESPer, and Phoenix Wright's new partner. Using her spiritual power, Maya is able to channel Mia's spirit for brief periods of time, allowing Mia to continue guiding Phoenix in his quest to defend against injustice, now from beyond the grave. That's right, kids: PSYCHIC GHOST LAWYER FIGHTS CRIME. Her life may have been short, but it was well-lived and she died fighting for what she believed in. That's more than most lawyers can say.
Sample Post:
Hello campers, my name is Mia Fey and I'm one of your new counselors. I've been made to understand that a significant number of you here at Camp are a bit... different. I want you all to know, that there is nothing abnormal or shameful about it. No matter what society tells you, it is a perfectly natural way to be. I'm sure you've had people react to you with everything ranging from morbid fascination to fear. In some cases, you may have had people you care about turn away from you just when you needed them most. But I am here to tell you, there is nothing wrong with being dead.
Thought I haven't been dead very long, my family has been working with dead people for generations, so I am quite familiar with the problems that some of you might be facing now. I also know know first hand how scary this transition can be. You might be worried about the reaction of friends and family, or your new place in society. You might be wondering who you should come out to and what you should tell them. You may find that you have a sudden aversion to knives, revolvers or candlesticks. I can't make those problems go away, but if I can, I'd like to make this process just a little easier.
For those who are interested, I've brought in some time-tested books that I think might help some of you out. I have a few copies of "Ten Things You'll Need to Know After Your Heart Stops Beating," the well-known "Why Not To Attend Your Own Funeral," and for those of you who want to be supportive to your family and friends, "A Living Person's Guide to Understanding Your Dead, Undead, Resurrected, Poltergeist or Questioning Son or Daughter."
Along with that, I'd like to create a "death-friendly space" in camp. I want campers to have somewhere they can go to just be themselves, alive or dead, and not worry about what other people are thinking about their untimely demises. Whether it was on a battlefield centuries ago, or just trying to get free snacks out of a vending machine- everyone deserves respect and understanding. If there is enough interest, we might be able to start a camp branch of the Dead-Living Alliance, a popular program in shrines and temples across the country. My office door is always open. If you're looking for someone to talk to, or for advice, or even if you just want to hang out, I'd love for you to come see me.
I look forward to meeting all of you; I think we're going to have a great time.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hidan
Series: Naruto
Character Age: Looks like he’s somewhere in his 20s, but is seemingly immortal
Job: “Religious Advisor”
Canon: If the common stereotype regarding ninja is that they are silent and stoic, perhaps starting their conversations off with a well placed “...” here or there, Hidan, a member of Akatsuki, a criminal group hellbent on world domination, likes to defy said stereotype by being the ninja that just *won’t shut up.* Hidan is a man of many faults; he’s obnoxious, cocky, impulsive, prone to complaining about anything and everything, as subtle as a brick, and a murderous psychopath to boot. Perhaps his greatest strength doubles as his most frustrating asset, as well; Hidan is a self-proclaimed immortal, capable of popping right back up after suffering seemingly mortal wounds. No matter what you do to him, he’ll just shrug it off and come back for more, as any proper irritating recurring villain should.
The one thing Hidan *does* seem to take seriously is his strict devotion to Jashin, a religion that commends slaughter and carnage above all else, with anything less than a kill being considered a sin. So seriously, in fact, that he quite often tends to get on the nerves of his fellow Akatsuki members as a result; his love of long, self-absorbed speeches and rituals before and after a fight, in particular, earn him many disparaging remarks from his comrades. In return, Hidan seems to loathe just about every other member of Akatsuki as well, considering them to be heathens who gang up on him for no good reason. But in the end, Hidan doesn’t care what anyone else thinks and likely never will; Jashin-sama’s on his side, and that’s what really matters.
Note: One of Hidan’s biggest quirks in terms of his speech is his tendency to end sentences with the word “honto,” which is translated into English as “seriously.” Additionally, he is rather fond of slang in general, as words like “jeez” pepper his speech more often than not.
So. Before we start, I want to address the, ah, voice that yelled “MARRIED!” at me when I got here; real sweet of you to offer and all, but I’m gonna pass, seriously. Do you have any clue what Jashin’s marriage rituals are like? I mean, while one look at some of the kids here tells me we wouldn’t be lacking in the virgin sacrifice department, there just isn’t a decent altar for, like, miles around. Besides, how’re you going to do any of the sacrificing if you’re just a disembodied voice, huh? Marriage is about commitment, after all. And, really, like I need a wife; I’ve got enough people nagging me about every last thing I do without one, seriously.
Now, on to business. So here you kids are, stuck in a hellhole camp with no escape routes in sight. You’re being tempted to sin by huge apes and trees that don’t get the whole “personal space” concept, the place smells so bad that it’d take a miracle to ever get the stench out of your clothes, and that’s not even factoring in those green kids who just won’t die, seriously. Actually, I kinda like those guys. They remind me of me, except not as good-looking. Sounds like a real crisis of faith, right? So, what do you do? Sit around, pray to your god, and hope that everything’ll work out in the end, right?
Wrong. Jeez, how lame is that? People who think religion’s there to be some sort of feel-good pick-me-up or whatever are exactly the kind of people I can’t stand, seriously. But, hey, you’ve got options. Alternatives. See, I’m here before you today to tell you a little bit about Jashin, the only religion that matters, seriously. Actually, this place is practically tailor-made for Jashin; after all, total carnage and chaos is the key precept of our faith and this dump seems to be all about just that. Think about it; they give you those exploding stick things on entry, fill the place to the brim with things that’re out to kill you, and hell, they even name the place “Camp Fuck You Die,” which is a sentiment worth getting behind if I’ve ever heard one. There’s potential here, but it needs that one last push in the right direction. It needs someone who can take initiative, and y’know what? I’m the guy for the job. So stick with me and as long as you don’t bore me to death or anything and I’ll teach you how to slaughter your enemies like total pros so that you too can get that salvation you so desperately seek. After all, that’s pretty much my duty as a man of god, so --
-- ow! Fuck! Okay, who threw this knife? Yes, the one in my chest, smartass. Yeah, thanks, like my robes won’t be hard enough to clean without blood all over them. And jeez, look at this, you didn’t even throw it right. How do you expect to kill someone when you’re throwing knives like that, huh? See, this is exactly what I'm talking about right here; all the enthusiasm in the world and no damn skill when it comes to the execution.
... and what the hell are the rest of you people staring at? It’s only a flesh wound, seriously.
Poll Vote!
Character: Daisy Adair
Series: Dead Like Me
Age: 20-something
Job: Drama Department
Canon: Dead Like Me is the story of Georgia Lass,
a girl who, after suffering what may have been the world's first case
of death by flaming toilet seat, is ordered to take on the duties of a
Grim Reaper. Despite being supremely socially awkward, George
nevertheless eventually collects a group of friends. And also, an
unwanted roommate. This would be Daisy.
Daisy Adair is a twentymumble actress on the make… and has been for
over sixty years now. She explains her job as looking really
good while taking your soul. If so obligated. In other words, she's
just about the prettiest, shallowest, and most insensitive Reaper ever
to be randomly selected from the grab bag of fate. Originally a
Hollywood starlet slash Southern belle, Daisy claims to have died on
the set of Gone With The Wind during the famous city afire
scene. This is probably a lie, as are many of her claims to second
degree fame via sleeping with half of Hollywood. In fact, Daisy seems
generally comfortable with lying, cheating, and swindling, always
confidant that her 'lil ole me?' act can get her out of any trouble.
Like most of the characters in DLM, Daisy does have some
genuine human motivations for her actions, buried under a whole lot of
coping mechanisms. But don't expect to find them out anytime
soon.
Sample Post:
Help, oh help! The dead! They're everywhere, I just can't
believe how many of them there are, help--!
Oh my goodness you certainly did all come running, didn't you? You
really are dolls, and you look so worried too! But you know, maybe
next time you could give me just a teeny bit longer? I hadn't
even gotten to scream yet. I do a great scream, really chilling. I'll
show you later.
Anyway since you're here, could some of you just head back over that
way and get my trunks for me? I left them behind because I just
knew my new students would be looking for ways to earn a few
brownie points.
If you haven't guessed it after all the "shop talk" well then shame on
you, but I'm Daisy. Daisy Adair? I'm here to teach an acting seminar
to all you new reapers. Apparently some of you (now I'm not naming any
names yet...) are having real problems adjusting to this whole
"life after death" thing. Figuring out how to start a conversation
with your reaps, making up a shiny new past for yourself so the living
don't get too close to the real you... or just because you know it
could have been so much better with some really good direction,
believe me I understand. Not that I've ever had to, but you
can't expect everyone to have an exciting past like mine.
This is going to be fun, isn't it? Just really, really fun. And
if you have any trouble, don't come to me. Just remember this simple
rule: even the undead are allowed to emote. Look at Boris Karloff. Not
a pretty man, but he had so much personality, you know? And he wasn't
even really dead! Well, at the time anyway.
(I once blew him, by the way. And I was almost the bride of
Frankenstein… In the movie, of course. I could never tie myself
down like that.)
What was I saying? Oh! So if Boris didn't even have the real trauma of
being dead, and all of us do then obviously we should all be able to
draw on that and really let loose.
Now. All together, after me. Pop your eyes back in your heads, roll up
those flappy jaws, and let's you all get working!
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Sir Austin Danger Powers
Series: Austin Powers movies
Age: 43
Job: Cultural Studies Counselor
Canon: Sir Austin Danger Powers, voted International Man of Mystery back in his school days, is a British fashion photographer/super spy. He's dedicated to fighting the evil of flamboyant terrorists such as Dr Evil and Goldmember (a Belgian who suffered an unfortunate smelting accident). He fights by shooting the bad guys (all of whom have very bad aim) or with his judo chop action.
He is most at home during the swinging 60's when the music was groovy, the love was free and the world was decorated in a cavalcade of bright colours. Nonetheless, through time travel and spending a significant period cryogenically frozen he has also experienced the glitzy 70's and the serious 90's and currently lives in the 21st century. Much as his attitude, terrible teeth and copious chest hair can sometimes be offputting to the people of today, his general aura of fabulous can be enough to cause people to spontaneously burst into song and dance routines and cause intelligent, beautiful women to fall in love with him.
His life goals include making his daddy proud and having a threesome with Japanese twins.
Sample Post: I received a briefing from Basil informing me that I was needed in order to infiltrate Camp Fuck You Die - a place where a villian, known only as The Director, was sapping the brightest youth of today of their mojo. It cannot be allowed to go on. I've lost my mojo once before and it's just not groovy, baby.
As soon as I entered the encampment I met the ugliest bird I'd ever seen. Really, this woman was rancid, baby, yeah! She and her friends were falling to bits. I felt it was really time to work my mojo so I started with a groovy dance number. Yeah, baby! They liked that! They really got into it. They were waving their rotting arms about like there was no tomorrow! The psychadelic sounds were really making them fall to pieces and I mean literally. I think a hand went flying as I skipped towards the buildings. And then there were purple gorillas and they were dancing, baby, yeah! Absolutely smashing! It was one groovy scene.
The girls were really mobbing me, baby! I had to tell them there was enough of Austin go around. They started grabbing me and trying to bite me. One of them lodged her teeth in my suit. I told them, that's just not on, baby! Austin needs that arm and it's really hard to get blood out of crushed velvet! I had to fight them off! It was tragic, baby, totally tragic. Body parts everywhere.
I took out the leader with my Judo Chop and the rest with my gun. Poor brave soldiers, falling in the line of duty. I'll see that the Director pays for brainwashing you into this existence. And provides proper healthcare because green skin is just not on, baby.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE.. We're good here! Clooosed.
Character: Deadpool AKA Wade T. Wilson AKA The Merc With A Mouth
Series: Deadpool, Cable & Deadpool, arguably Agent X as well.
Character Age: Not revealed. Sekrit like Wolverine.
Job: Camp Psychologist
Canon: Hi, I'm Wade Wilson, better known as Deadpool the Merc with a- oh, I'm too early? Okay. I'll just be over there.
Canon: Wade Wilson is a mercenary for hire, with amazing strength, agility, skill, and a regeneration factor that was literally copied from Wolverine. However most of his opponents would agree that his biggest weapon is his mouth, and the fact that no matter what you do, he will NOT SHUT UP. He continues to wise crack and taunt enemies through any sort of situation.
Until recently, Wade was literally insane. Nobody really noticed his recovery, though.
Deadpool cares not for your fourth wall, making references to things outside of his own canon, things he couldn't possibly know about.
Notes: Bea Arthur is one of the Golden Girls, the freakishly tall one. His obsession with her is never really explained. And that sheer amount of bold and italic is also canon.
Sample Post:
AHHHHH!
AHHHHH!
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Man, I love screaming. Nothin' else gives your vocal cords the extensive workout. It's like a gym for your voice!
Anyway, I'm Wade Wilson, also known as Deadpool, the Merc with a Mouth! I was told I get to break all kind of fourth wall boundaries because this is an app, and not a post! We'll have fun, I promise! And nobody will have to take it in the butt! Unless of course, you want to!
I just got briefed on this place and let me tell you I'm impressed, but disappointed it took you so long to see that one thing you lacked was a genuine Grade A Deadpool. I mean, you can have your choice of anyone in the multiverse if I understand correctly, but not me? Along the same note, not Bea? Who better to snark at your kids than the geriatric woman who has stolen my heart?
Oh, I got distracted. Where was I- right! The job. So Kitty, I can call you Kitty right? No? I'll take that as as yes, madame Director. You know you love it. Anyway, Kitty, how much does this gig pay? I'm not goin' to go in and babysit kids out of the goodness of my own heart y'know. A money order! That's what I'm talking about. That's a lot of zeros! Oh me oh my- It feels like Chrismas in July! I'm a poet and didn't know it! With this kind of moolah, I can finally afford those breast implants I've always wanted! I'll be the dame of the mercenary world-- they'll call me Lady Deadpool, the Merc with gazoongas! Or in England--capital knockers.
I guess I'll have to introduce myself to the snot-nosed brats soon- so I better practice. Tell me what you think. I'm trying to be 'down with it', y'know? Make the kids think I'm 'on the level' and 'keepin it real'. "Hey kids! It's me, your friendly neighborhood Deadpool here, with an announcement! I'm going to be one of your Camp Psychologists for a while, yo! That means if you're kickin it freestyle and want a bit o' honey? You come see me and we'll work somethin' out."
What d'you think? Pretty impressive or too 'funky fresh'? I managed to get my point across and not ONCE mentioned the zombies, gorillas, and toucans! Will the toucans lead me to a pot of froot loops? No, that was leprechauns. Arr, after me lucky charms are ye? Dey be down in Davy Jones locker they be! Arrr! Avast! Avast ye! Sure, I could've listed stuff like how you have your own personal Canada (mounties! I'll love them and hug them and kick them forever!), that those nubile Young Avengers are around (I have a weak spot for how ripped Hulkling is), but I won't, because then the app will be all disjointed and feel like I'm reading off a list! And not even a numbered list! I do love my numbered lists.
If you still have any doubts about me, Kitty, you could always call one of my references! The ones that aren't dead at least, funny how common that is, and they'll tell you what they tell me! "Oh Deadpool, you always remind me how much worse off I could be. If only you were around three weeks ago I could've saved on therapy." It's enough to make you feel warm and fuzzy inside!
So, to end this app on a funny note (that's what people usually like right? I've never been apped before.) I'll let you guys in on the secret to my success. It's the Deadpool 10 Steps to Sanity program! Usually I only reveal the first eight steps, but you'll get the whole shebang!
1. Step One: Drink from the far side of a cup.
2. Step Two: Buckle your shoe.
3. Step Three and Four: Knock at the door.
4. Step Five and Six: Pick up chicks.
5. Step Seven and Eight: Lay them straight. (If you know what I mean!)
6. Step Nine: ???
7. Step Ten: Profit!
Of course, by the time anyone ever gets to those last two steps I've already taken their money and they have some sort of STD. But oh, that's the price you pay to stay sane! It works for me! So leave it to- oh, we've run out of space? But I haven't even told you about the time I killed the Messiah! Hey, what are you doing with that syringe?
Ooh, pretty polls.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Dr Pamela Isley (Poison Ivy)
Series: Batman: The Animated Series
Age: Unknown, probably late twenties
Job: Head Gardener
Canon: In Gotham City, war was beginning. Superheroes and supervillains, all with strangely fitting names, battle it out to see whether or not crime really does pay. Despite being somewhat outclassed by the bad guys' mutated superpowers, the good guys always win. Possibly because they don't need to stop and make terrible jokes all the time.
One of the bad guys is Doctor Pamela Isley, better known as Poison Ivy. Slinky, sultry and sexy, Poison Ivy is just like your old-fashioned movie femme fatale - emphasis on the 'fatale'. Like most of Batman's villains, her name means pretty much what it says - this girl's poison, and has an unrivaled bond with and power over anything botanical. Her unique body chemistry means she's almost more plant than human, and her favorite pastime is endlessly monologuing about how wonderful plants are and how humans are incredibly destructive. She treats plants like beloved children, which is somewhat disturbing when you consider that she also really, really likes them badtouching her.
Sample post:
Who's my little precious? Who's the most adorable widdle viney-wine ever? Yes, you are! Mmm, that tickles~!
...
What are you staring at? Haven't you ever met anyone who appreciates plants properly before? I have to say, the way you...people treat the plants here is just disgusting. Perhaps you don't know any better, but don't worry - that's all about to change. You see, I'm your new head gardener, and I'll teach you all about loving plants, not abusing them. You all seem to have such an aversion to getting down and dirty. When I'm done, you'll really take a lichen to the wonderful flora who share the camp with you.
Shall we begin?
Good. Now, the trees. They're only trying to be friendly, and you're all so cruel to them. It's only to be expected of your kind, but let me tell you, it won't be tolerated any more. This was their place first - you can't just set up a camp in the middle of a forest, cutting down trees, destroying lives, and expect them to take it lying down! Then you act surprised when they try to make you take it lying...you know what I mean. You'll have to find other ways to communicate with them - 'iyaaaaan' isn't something they understand, you know.
Most of you have already encountered the mistletoe, haven't you? What a selfless plant, trying to promote peace and goodwill and love amongst all mankind! And you try to kill it with fire? Fire is a never solution. Unless you're defending yourself and your plants against loggers or rabbits or pesky superheroes. I won't say I've never given in to the temptation myself, but there's a time and place, you know? And viciously attacking innocent plants is not the time or the place. You have to take proper care of them.
And just look at the state of this poor Megalorrhizus induviae! 'Panty tree', indeed! If you'd just give it more nutrients - is it really that hard to keep those walking grey humans buried? They'd make such excellent fertilizer - it would be producing whole outfits for all of you! You don't understand, all of these plants just want to help you and your kind. They're so forgiving.
But I am not. Don't worry, my darlings~ Ivy's here now, none of these humans will ever hurt you again. No they won't. Nooooo they won't.
I'll only tell you all once, so you'd better remember: mistreating plants is the root of all evil. But there's always thyme to mend your ways.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Terazuma Hajime
Series: Yami no Matsuei
Age: mid-twenties
Job: Stand-in Girl Scout/Girl Guide Troop Leader
Canon: Yami no Matsuei, aka "Wormholes 'R' Us," is the series which stars a metric tonne of zany shnigami (Guardians of Death). Their job is to reap wandering souls and, unofficially, most of the cast spends their time swooning over one Tsuzuki Asato.
Terazuma Hajime is one of the few exceptions to this unwritten law. In fact, he pretty much hates Tsuzuki, whom he considers to be as useful as a lantern at noon (read: 110% useless). It's easy to see that Terazuma's blunt and abrasive nature always comes shining through, even when his deductive reasoning skills fail. He believes in utilizing his power to the maximum and becomes irritated when other people do not. His only real social bond is the one he shares with his partner, Kannuki Wakaba. Hers is a very important job---she is the only person who can 'seal' him. Terazuma, you see, turns into a rampaging dog-like being of mass destruction whenever he is touched by a girl or a pretty boy.
Sample App:
Damn it... All right, let's get one thing straight. I'm not here because all of you managed to fall for the same stupid trap. Bravo to that director. How did all two hundred or however many of you manage to fall for an all-expenses-paid year-round summer camp ad?! THERE'S NO SUCH THING. Nobody gives away anything like that without some kinda catch!
And so I'm here on recon. What that means is I'm stuck coming here because five people from my department and one noontime lantern fell for the damn trap. For their sakes, there better have been some real iron bars, too. This assignment is weak.
And that's another thing! Who was the guy in charge of that undead population, huh?! Nearly a thousand of those things thought I'd want an invite to their house-warming party! I'm surprised you can't hear the noise from here, they're down on that Broken Dreams Boulevard or whatever. The only thing stronger than the music is the stink. They can't dance, either.
Yeah, I get it. It's a thriller night. Now LAY OFF. Undead junk twice-over is still junk.
Look, I'm not the one trying to dick around here. That's those idiots' jobs. This is an in-and-out assignment. The way I figure it, I've got one shot and not a whole lot of time to get this done right. Right now, I'm even going to ignore all your snickering.
So where are these guys? I came here to this swamp to---yeah that's right, zombie, I came here. Don't think I don't know how I got here! Unlike you, I came to this trap and---
...
DAMN IT.
Poll Vote!
Name: Mia Fey
Series: Phoenix Wright: Ace Attorney (Gyakuten Saiban)
Age: 27
Job: Post-mortem advisor
Canon: Ahh, Phoenix Wright. It's every lovable, action-packed, cracky, shounen retard anime you have ever watched: now played out by lawyers. In a world where it's perfectly acceptable to whip those you disagree with and fourth grade angst is a reasonable motivation to go into law, Mia Fey is something like a voice of reason. She was a young but already well-known defense attorney with a fiery passion(!) and an iron will(!!), who won her cases by following the true way of a defense attorney(!!1!). She was willing to go to any lengths, even at the risk of her own life, in the pursuit of justice. Mia was a caring, compassionate individual (if a little prone to violent bouts of "tough love") with a passionate sense of justice, who was willing to give everything in pursuit of doing "the right thing." She helped dozens of innocent people clear their names. She set Phoenix on the path to follow his dreams to become a defense attorney. Then she was brutally beaten to death in her own office. Suck. :(
However, just because she's now dead doesn't mean she's not still a central character. You see, before entering the action-packed world of law, Mia Fey was a spirit medium. Enter Maya, Mia's little sister, amature ESPer, and Phoenix Wright's new partner. Using her spiritual power, Maya is able to channel Mia's spirit for brief periods of time, allowing Mia to continue guiding Phoenix in his quest to defend against injustice, now from beyond the grave. That's right, kids: PSYCHIC GHOST LAWYER FIGHTS CRIME. Her life may have been short, but it was well-lived and she died fighting for what she believed in. That's more than most lawyers can say.
Sample Post:
Hello campers, my name is Mia Fey and I'm one of your new counselors. I've been made to understand that a significant number of you here at Camp are a bit... different. I want you all to know, that there is nothing abnormal or shameful about it. No matter what society tells you, it is a perfectly natural way to be. I'm sure you've had people react to you with everything ranging from morbid fascination to fear. In some cases, you may have had people you care about turn away from you just when you needed them most. But I am here to tell you, there is nothing wrong with being dead.
Thought I haven't been dead very long, my family has been working with dead people for generations, so I am quite familiar with the problems that some of you might be facing now. I also know know first hand how scary this transition can be. You might be worried about the reaction of friends and family, or your new place in society. You might be wondering who you should come out to and what you should tell them. You may find that you have a sudden aversion to knives, revolvers or candlesticks. I can't make those problems go away, but if I can, I'd like to make this process just a little easier.
For those who are interested, I've brought in some time-tested books that I think might help some of you out. I have a few copies of "Ten Things You'll Need to Know After Your Heart Stops Beating," the well-known "Why Not To Attend Your Own Funeral," and for those of you who want to be supportive to your family and friends, "A Living Person's Guide to Understanding Your Dead, Undead, Resurrected, Poltergeist or Questioning Son or Daughter."
Along with that, I'd like to create a "death-friendly space" in camp. I want campers to have somewhere they can go to just be themselves, alive or dead, and not worry about what other people are thinking about their untimely demises. Whether it was on a battlefield centuries ago, or just trying to get free snacks out of a vending machine- everyone deserves respect and understanding. If there is enough interest, we might be able to start a camp branch of the Dead-Living Alliance, a popular program in shrines and temples across the country. My office door is always open. If you're looking for someone to talk to, or for advice, or even if you just want to hang out, I'd love for you to come see me.
I look forward to meeting all of you; I think we're going to have a great time.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hidan
Series: Naruto
Character Age: Looks like he’s somewhere in his 20s, but is seemingly immortal
Job: “Religious Advisor”
Canon: If the common stereotype regarding ninja is that they are silent and stoic, perhaps starting their conversations off with a well placed “...” here or there, Hidan, a member of Akatsuki, a criminal group hellbent on world domination, likes to defy said stereotype by being the ninja that just *won’t shut up.* Hidan is a man of many faults; he’s obnoxious, cocky, impulsive, prone to complaining about anything and everything, as subtle as a brick, and a murderous psychopath to boot. Perhaps his greatest strength doubles as his most frustrating asset, as well; Hidan is a self-proclaimed immortal, capable of popping right back up after suffering seemingly mortal wounds. No matter what you do to him, he’ll just shrug it off and come back for more, as any proper irritating recurring villain should.
The one thing Hidan *does* seem to take seriously is his strict devotion to Jashin, a religion that commends slaughter and carnage above all else, with anything less than a kill being considered a sin. So seriously, in fact, that he quite often tends to get on the nerves of his fellow Akatsuki members as a result; his love of long, self-absorbed speeches and rituals before and after a fight, in particular, earn him many disparaging remarks from his comrades. In return, Hidan seems to loathe just about every other member of Akatsuki as well, considering them to be heathens who gang up on him for no good reason. But in the end, Hidan doesn’t care what anyone else thinks and likely never will; Jashin-sama’s on his side, and that’s what really matters.
Note: One of Hidan’s biggest quirks in terms of his speech is his tendency to end sentences with the word “honto,” which is translated into English as “seriously.” Additionally, he is rather fond of slang in general, as words like “jeez” pepper his speech more often than not.
So. Before we start, I want to address the, ah, voice that yelled “MARRIED!” at me when I got here; real sweet of you to offer and all, but I’m gonna pass, seriously. Do you have any clue what Jashin’s marriage rituals are like? I mean, while one look at some of the kids here tells me we wouldn’t be lacking in the virgin sacrifice department, there just isn’t a decent altar for, like, miles around. Besides, how’re you going to do any of the sacrificing if you’re just a disembodied voice, huh? Marriage is about commitment, after all. And, really, like I need a wife; I’ve got enough people nagging me about every last thing I do without one, seriously.
Now, on to business. So here you kids are, stuck in a hellhole camp with no escape routes in sight. You’re being tempted to sin by huge apes and trees that don’t get the whole “personal space” concept, the place smells so bad that it’d take a miracle to ever get the stench out of your clothes, and that’s not even factoring in those green kids who just won’t die, seriously. Actually, I kinda like those guys. They remind me of me, except not as good-looking. Sounds like a real crisis of faith, right? So, what do you do? Sit around, pray to your god, and hope that everything’ll work out in the end, right?
Wrong. Jeez, how lame is that? People who think religion’s there to be some sort of feel-good pick-me-up or whatever are exactly the kind of people I can’t stand, seriously. But, hey, you’ve got options. Alternatives. See, I’m here before you today to tell you a little bit about Jashin, the only religion that matters, seriously. Actually, this place is practically tailor-made for Jashin; after all, total carnage and chaos is the key precept of our faith and this dump seems to be all about just that. Think about it; they give you those exploding stick things on entry, fill the place to the brim with things that’re out to kill you, and hell, they even name the place “Camp Fuck You Die,” which is a sentiment worth getting behind if I’ve ever heard one. There’s potential here, but it needs that one last push in the right direction. It needs someone who can take initiative, and y’know what? I’m the guy for the job. So stick with me and as long as you don’t bore me to death or anything and I’ll teach you how to slaughter your enemies like total pros so that you too can get that salvation you so desperately seek. After all, that’s pretty much my duty as a man of god, so --
-- ow! Fuck! Okay, who threw this knife? Yes, the one in my chest, smartass. Yeah, thanks, like my robes won’t be hard enough to clean without blood all over them. And jeez, look at this, you didn’t even throw it right. How do you expect to kill someone when you’re throwing knives like that, huh? See, this is exactly what I'm talking about right here; all the enthusiasm in the world and no damn skill when it comes to the execution.
... and what the hell are the rest of you people staring at? It’s only a flesh wound, seriously.
Poll Vote!
Character: Daisy Adair
Series: Dead Like Me
Age: 20-something
Job: Drama Department
Canon: Dead Like Me is the story of Georgia Lass,
a girl who, after suffering what may have been the world's first case
of death by flaming toilet seat, is ordered to take on the duties of a
Grim Reaper. Despite being supremely socially awkward, George
nevertheless eventually collects a group of friends. And also, an
unwanted roommate. This would be Daisy.
Daisy Adair is a twentymumble actress on the make… and has been for
over sixty years now. She explains her job as looking really
good while taking your soul. If so obligated. In other words, she's
just about the prettiest, shallowest, and most insensitive Reaper ever
to be randomly selected from the grab bag of fate. Originally a
Hollywood starlet slash Southern belle, Daisy claims to have died on
the set of Gone With The Wind during the famous city afire
scene. This is probably a lie, as are many of her claims to second
degree fame via sleeping with half of Hollywood. In fact, Daisy seems
generally comfortable with lying, cheating, and swindling, always
confidant that her 'lil ole me?' act can get her out of any trouble.
Like most of the characters in DLM, Daisy does have some
genuine human motivations for her actions, buried under a whole lot of
coping mechanisms. But don't expect to find them out anytime
soon.
Sample Post:
Help, oh help! The dead! They're everywhere, I just can't
believe how many of them there are, help--!
Oh my goodness you certainly did all come running, didn't you? You
really are dolls, and you look so worried too! But you know, maybe
next time you could give me just a teeny bit longer? I hadn't
even gotten to scream yet. I do a great scream, really chilling. I'll
show you later.
Anyway since you're here, could some of you just head back over that
way and get my trunks for me? I left them behind because I just
knew my new students would be looking for ways to earn a few
brownie points.
If you haven't guessed it after all the "shop talk" well then shame on
you, but I'm Daisy. Daisy Adair? I'm here to teach an acting seminar
to all you new reapers. Apparently some of you (now I'm not naming any
names yet...) are having real problems adjusting to this whole
"life after death" thing. Figuring out how to start a conversation
with your reaps, making up a shiny new past for yourself so the living
don't get too close to the real you... or just because you know it
could have been so much better with some really good direction,
believe me I understand. Not that I've ever had to, but you
can't expect everyone to have an exciting past like mine.
This is going to be fun, isn't it? Just really, really fun. And
if you have any trouble, don't come to me. Just remember this simple
rule: even the undead are allowed to emote. Look at Boris Karloff. Not
a pretty man, but he had so much personality, you know? And he wasn't
even really dead! Well, at the time anyway.
(I once blew him, by the way. And I was almost the bride of
Frankenstein… In the movie, of course. I could never tie myself
down like that.)
What was I saying? Oh! So if Boris didn't even have the real trauma of
being dead, and all of us do then obviously we should all be able to
draw on that and really let loose.
Now. All together, after me. Pop your eyes back in your heads, roll up
those flappy jaws, and let's you all get working!
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Sir Austin Danger Powers
Series: Austin Powers movies
Age: 43
Job: Cultural Studies Counselor
Canon: Sir Austin Danger Powers, voted International Man of Mystery back in his school days, is a British fashion photographer/super spy. He's dedicated to fighting the evil of flamboyant terrorists such as Dr Evil and Goldmember (a Belgian who suffered an unfortunate smelting accident). He fights by shooting the bad guys (all of whom have very bad aim) or with his judo chop action.
He is most at home during the swinging 60's when the music was groovy, the love was free and the world was decorated in a cavalcade of bright colours. Nonetheless, through time travel and spending a significant period cryogenically frozen he has also experienced the glitzy 70's and the serious 90's and currently lives in the 21st century. Much as his attitude, terrible teeth and copious chest hair can sometimes be offputting to the people of today, his general aura of fabulous can be enough to cause people to spontaneously burst into song and dance routines and cause intelligent, beautiful women to fall in love with him.
His life goals include making his daddy proud and having a threesome with Japanese twins.
Sample Post: I received a briefing from Basil informing me that I was needed in order to infiltrate Camp Fuck You Die - a place where a villian, known only as The Director, was sapping the brightest youth of today of their mojo. It cannot be allowed to go on. I've lost my mojo once before and it's just not groovy, baby.
As soon as I entered the encampment I met the ugliest bird I'd ever seen. Really, this woman was rancid, baby, yeah! She and her friends were falling to bits. I felt it was really time to work my mojo so I started with a groovy dance number. Yeah, baby! They liked that! They really got into it. They were waving their rotting arms about like there was no tomorrow! The psychadelic sounds were really making them fall to pieces and I mean literally. I think a hand went flying as I skipped towards the buildings. And then there were purple gorillas and they were dancing, baby, yeah! Absolutely smashing! It was one groovy scene.
The girls were really mobbing me, baby! I had to tell them there was enough of Austin go around. They started grabbing me and trying to bite me. One of them lodged her teeth in my suit. I told them, that's just not on, baby! Austin needs that arm and it's really hard to get blood out of crushed velvet! I had to fight them off! It was tragic, baby, totally tragic. Body parts everywhere.
I took out the leader with my Judo Chop and the rest with my gun. Poor brave soldiers, falling in the line of duty. I'll see that the Director pays for brainwashing you into this existence. And provides proper healthcare because green skin is just not on, baby.
Poll Vote!