(no subject)
So, who had fun last night? How 'bout them Packers? How 'bout that ball drop? Awriiiight! Also, guys, check back on the apps you abstain from to see if they need votes. We're getting like, up to twenty-vote gaps between applications. Srsly guys. We can't close these polls if they don't all have votes!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE.. Closed! Awriiight.
Character: John "J.D." Dorian
Series: Scrubs
Character Age: mid-late 20's
Job description: Nurse and safety counselor
Canon: Scrubs is a hilarious medical show about a training
hospital and the people who work there. Each episode is filled with
fantasy sequences, drama and comedy, and the coolest high fives you'll
ever encounter. Oh, and also sick people.
J.D. is the main protagonist and narrator of the series and is known
for his inner monologues and daydream sequences. He's an internal
medical resident at the Sacred Heart Hospital and is working towards
becoming an attending, like his mentor The Great Doctor Cox, who never
fails to come up with a new girl-name for his favorite newbie. By
season 4, he becomes the Co-chief resident and also works as a staff
internist.
He's almost blindingly white and nerdy (check it: he's the captain of
his kite flying team, he named his scooter Sasha, he wrote a
screenplay about a Vampire Doctor which he filmed on his cellphone,
the list goes on and on) and isn't that great at dating the ladies. Fo
shizzle. He's dysfunctional, quirky and really just can't stop
narrating his own life. He's also what he calls a "sensi" (an overly
sensitive man) and occassionally very insightful. Not to mention he
has some latent homosexual urges and tendencies; his alcoholic
beverage of choice is the appletini "easy on the tini" and he's
practically the wife in his BFF FOR LIFE relationship.
Sample post:
Guys, guys, I know it says "nurse" on my nametag, right below the name
Bambi -- NOT MY REAL NAME -- but really, I'm a doctor. See the white
coat and my ear...listening..thing? I even did the quotey-fingers when
I said nurse. So you can refer to me as Doctor Dorian. I'll also
answer to J.D., or The Boat. This nametag snafu probably is just some
elaborate plot by the Janitor and his sloppyjoe lackey.
There are no eggsalad tuesdays...He always toys with the
emotions of my tummy. Oh, no, not your janitor, mine.
Well he's not my own personal janitor, even though I've seen his
penis. Cancer-free, I'm proud to say. I once treated a guy who broke
his penis. True story. Almost got that published in a medical journal
until he changed his mind. C'est la vie, I guess.
Speaking of broken penises, I also happen to be your new safety
counselor. I know, I know, it's hard to believe that such a renagade
like myself would believe in safety, but the stories I could tell you.
Half of them involve a helmet. Laugh all you want but it was the only
thing that kept my hair styled and not on fire. If only I had it for
jiggly ball. Oh, you guys never heard of jiggly ball? It's only the
best game ever as long as you're not the one being jiggled. Luckily
for me the nerve damage was minimum.
This is what having interns must feel like. The power, the
glorious power! Holy crap is that a zombie?!? Huh. Well, I
guess part of being a doctor -- nurse -- being in the medical
profession is dealing with the unexpected and wow zombies are most
unexpected. Like ninjas! Really, those are here too? It was
then that I realized I was in the most magical place in the land.
Well, one of the most as I'm still looking for unicorns and a river of
chocolate. Still, when in Oz, all you can do is ease on down that
road.
Ease on down, ease on dooown the roooad!... That was outloud, wasn't it?
Poll Vote!
Character Name: The Doctor
Series: Doctor Who http://www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho/
Age: 900-ish
Job: Repair Man. If you need if fixed, broken, or made, I’m your man.
Canon: The Doctor is a lonely wanderer, always looking for something new and adventurous. He travels via the TARDIS: a spaceship and time machine that looks like an old blue English police box. He is a Time Lord (alien) and speaks in a somewhat British accent, using phrases like Fantastic and Brilliant. When he comes across anything of interest, he goes off on what could be described as a ADD tangent; talking quickly, using completely alien words, and blocking everything else out of his mind (until something else catches his eye). He also tends to throw memories and odd facts into conversation. He’s a generally happy-go-lucky kind of guy, and tries to give everyone a chance to redeem themselves. There are no second chances, however, and his quirky happy personality can quickly turn into one that is deadly serious and willing to kill. He makes up almost everything as he goes and is able to operate, create, or take apart every kind of technology he comes across. It’s possible he knows everything. His constant companion is his sonic screwdriver, which unlocks things, locks things, shuts down robots, and does just about anything. He never misses a chance to joke at the expense of humans.
Sample Post:
Ah London! 18th Century all in snow and…hold on a tick.
Seeing as how I was quite obviously not in 18th century London, I moved back into the TARDIS to see where and when exactly it had spit me out this time.
…Louisiana, 21st century. Ah close enough. When you’ve been traveling as long as I have you get used to having a temperamental spaceship. So where exactly am - A CAMP! Oh that’s fantastic! I haven’t been to a camp in…well centuries actually. Think I’m a bit too old now, but might as well take a look around while I’m here.
Course, even though it has been a while, I don’t quite remember camp having this much mayhem. Never had guns or anything like that and…are those zombies?! Actual zombies?! That’s brilliant! Reanimating dead tissue and all that. Don’t think my camp ever had zombies…or squirrels. Not even sure we had trees actually. …Nope, never had trees.
All this explains how I could land a big blue box in the middle of the camp and have no one notice, though. Everyone else is too preoccupied running for their lives and killing things. Not like humans notice anyway. Have something odd and new show up, they just walk past. And what’s that thing they’re doing over there? Oh! Fantastic! A shotgun! A bit old fashioned, but a brilliant weapon, must see if I can get one. So much better than an anti-matter transmitter in this case.
It was when I tried to get back to the TARDIS to figure out if all of this was supposed to be here or if there was yet another tear in the universe I had to fix that I realized the problem. The TARDIS wasn’t working, again.
Oi, all the knowledge I got up ‘ere and I can’t even get my ship to work half the time. So I figured, might as well make myself useful while I’m here. Fantastic place this is anyway, so…different. So what do I do? I wander around some more, barge into an important looking room, introduce myself…and somehow end up with a job as a counselor. Had to convince everyone I met that my name is NOT my profession, though. Worked out in the end, no clue how to work with kids, but I can at least keep them well armed until I can get the TARDIS working again.
So, who am I? I’m the Doctor! Nice to meet you. If you need a hand, I could modify one of those shotguns into quite a beautiful matter disrupter.
Poll Vote!
Character: Velaxis Shiraz
Series: Wraeththu
Age: Unspecified. Older than he looks. (but all Wraeththu look young and beautiful!)
Job: Assistant Deputy Auxiliary Administrative Associate Vice-Director and Director of Vice
Canon:(contains mild, non-fatal spoilers for second trilogy). The Wraeththu series is just an ordinary tale of post- apocalyptic mutant hermaphrodites who take over the world by the power of magic sex. If only it were that simple! Unfortunately for our genitally-enhanced protagonists, once you've had the sex, there's still the politics to be dealt with. Wraeththu politics are dominated by one tribe, The Gelaming, who want to bring Peace, Enlightenment and Harmony to the rest of the Wraeththu tribes. By force, if necessary. They are led by Tigron Pellaz and his hegemony of political advisors called...er.. The Hegemony. Velaxis Shiraz works for The Hegemony - or, at least, they think he does.
Velaxis is variously described as "the archetypal civil servant", "a slippery fish" and "the true power behind the throne". (oh, and a Whore. mustn't forget Whore...) He was once the Personal Assistant to Thiede, The Most Powerful Wraeththu Of All (retired), and was given to the Hegemony some years back to provide sexual services to them, (hush - that's a perfectly respectable job for a Wraeththu!) since when he has been climbing the slippery pole in more ways than one, and the second trilogy of books sees him promoted to Chief Administrator.
He is devious, conniving, self-serving and drop-dead gorgeous - yet there is far more to him than meets the eye. He befriends the beleaguered and ostracised Tigrina, thus earning himself the animosity of Tigron Pellaz. In the final analysis, Velaxis is not at all what he seems - his machinations and plottings conceal a deeper objective which reveals a nobility of purpose strangely at odds with his sly personality.
Sample Post
Good morning. Residents of Camp, exanimate life-forms, tentacular lake-dwelling denizens - may I have a moment of your time? You appear to have little constructive use for it at the moment.
According to my notes, many of you have been here for quite some considerable time without making any progress either in solving a most perplexing murder, or constructing an entirely new and burgeoning civilisation from the ruins of the old. You will be delighted to learn that this period of unproductivity is now at an end! Your esteemed Madame Directorix has enlisted my aid to assist her in the administration of this camp. Once we have the necessary paperwork completed, a bright and glorious future awaits us. Also return tickets home and/or a decent burial. Isn't incentive a marvellous thing?
Obviously it has been difficult for you all without the appropriate administration in place to run a camp this size, but now I am here things will proceed apace. I realise that few of you have any experience in government, which is why I must start with the most basic and important structural reorganisation. My friends, if we are ever to bring justice and proper train timetables to this camp there is one vital thing we must do immediately:
We must form a committee!
Right then - will The Undead please line up over to the left. The Zombie Sub-Committee on Non-Animate Affairs will meet every other Tuesday and report to me personally at the end of the month. It will be a whole new era for the Pseudo-Vital! No, not ear, era. Didn't you hear... no, I suppose you wouldn't. No, I don't know where you can get a new one of those, perhaps you can just... staple the old one back on again...
As for the rest of you - can we have Demons, Spirits and Miscellaneous Minor Deities over in the far corner for now. Some of those powers will need regulating - you can't just go around throwing thunderbolts and the like without proper authorisation. Please have the necessary permits submitted by the end of the day if you wish to do any smiting.
Now, the humans... oh my dears, this is going to be more of a challenge than I had first envisaged! Normally I would use the traditional Wraeththu method to educate and enlighten - Modestly, I confess that I do have some expertise in that department... In fact there is a particular skill for which I am renowned - let's just say that were we to engage in this manoeuvre you would never again have to concern yourselves about archaic terms such as "top" or "bottom", - but alas it would require you to have two functioning sets of sexual organ. Each. And possibly a safety net. And besides, Madame Directorix has forbidden such delights, and rules must be obeyed.
We shall simply have to work with what we've got, small and insignificant though it is. Really, I don't know how you cope with such a disability, you brave souls! (by the way, if you would like to become officially registered as Sexually Handicapped, please complete form V1rG-1N and hand it in by the end of the week. Your badges and stickers will be posted to you, and you will be expected to display them publicly at all times.)
I shall be coming round to distribute your "The Future's Bright - The Future's Hermaphrodite" motivational posters, so please have your Toucan Licences ready to be stamped.
We at Gelaming Hegemony Enterprises Incorporated are dedicated to bringing Peace and Harmony to everyone under our jurisdiction. We are equal-opportunity autocrats and we do not discriminate against any tribes no matter how sexually unattractive spiritually undeveloped they may be. It may seem difficult to you now, but you will thank us for it later (in writing. on A4 paper. blue ink)
There is so much to be done! Yet now we have the specialised equipment and personnel in place we can begin the task of bringing order from chaos.
...I believe one of you has my stapler...?
Poll Vote!
Character: Touda
Series: Yami no Matsuei
Character age: Ageless, but looks to be in his late-twenties
Job: Fire Safety
Canon: Yami no Matsuei is a story about Gods of Death, also known as Shinigami, whose job it is to make sure that the souls of the dead arrive when and where they're supposed to. If they don't, the Shinigami are sent to the Human World to investigate and solve any problems or cases that arise. Shinigami are able to summon Shikigami, or gods rather, to help them fight. Shikigami can take either the form of a human or the form of a beast; in Touda's case, that being a giant, black, winged serpent of fire. He is also the only Shikigami capable of actually killing a Shinigami because of the immense heat and power of his fire.
Before becoming one of Tsuzuki's twelve Shikigami, Touda was betrayed and imprisoned for several hundred years for committing false 'crimes.' Without any contact to the outside world, he vowed revenge until Tsuzuki came along and rescued him. Because of this, he calls himself 'Tsuzuki's property' will always take Tsuzuki's orders very seriously. The only problem with that is that he'll only do just as Tsuzuki asks. For example, he's perfectly willing to kill Tsuzuki if so ordered, but he will neither kill nor save anyone on his own. All of that aside, Touda is a rather quiet, serious person with little to no tact. He never minces words and always says exactly what's on his mind.
Sample post:
According to the letter I received from Tsuzuki on the behalf of one Madame Director, I have been hired to teach you children about fire safety. And apparently, I "have to come to camp because it really, really needs my help. And sugar. And alcohol. But mostly sugar." Why pink sparkles, Tsuzuki? Why?
Moving right along, though. My name is Touda and since this is supposed to be a summer camp for 'kids,' we might as well start off with the basics. Don't set things on fire. 'Things' includes people, animals, buildings, the forest, and anything that is generally flammable. It really is just that simple. And despite certain misconceptions a few of you may have, fire is not, in fact, fun for the whole family. It would behoove you to just not do it. It saves me a headache and everyone else a world of pain.
Now, for those of you that have ignored my first point, we will continue on to the next one. How to put out fires. You have several options for this. If the fire is small enough, smothering it with dirt, sand or even blankets is one easy method. Fire extinguishers, if available, are another. But please do not spray your fellow campers with them. That is unacceptable and dangerous. Fire extinguishers are a tool, not a toy. Magic is also an easy way for those so inclined. And last but not least, water. Using a hose is preferable. Buckets are another option, albeit a slower and less efficient one. The water from the lake, however, is NOT suitable for putting out fires. It only spreads them. I've, ah, tried that already. And as a last resort, pissing out fires is also acceptable. Note that this should only be done by those with excellent aim and confidence in their skills. Those without would do well to run because no one wants to lose a valuable part of their anatomy that way.
And now for the most important point of all. Don't be a hero. If a fire gets too out of control, call for help or run. Because if you fail at any of these points and end up dead...well. Better luck next time. If you absolutely cannot control yourselves and must set fire to something, though, I would prefer it be the wandering dead. There are plenty around and they will continue to burn for quite some time. Hopefully, that will keep you occupied for a few hours. Now, if you have any questions, you are always free to ask. I cannot, however, guarantee that I will answer. And in all seriousness, if you see someone on fire, do not point and laugh. It really isn't all that funny and it is ineffective in helping the situation.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hellboy
Series: Hellboy (the comic)
Age: 62 (looks to be in his late twenties or early thirties)
Job: Pest Control Officer
Canon: Hellboy was summoned from the fiery depths of hell in 1944. The summoning did not go to plan, and Hellboy remained blissfully unaware of his demonic heritage, as much as one can with bright red skin and a tail. Boosted by his stubborn personal nature as well as inhuman metabolism, endurance, and his stone right hand, he has fought the things that go bump in the night as the world's greatest paranormal investigator for the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense (or BPRD, for short,) following in the footsteps of his foster father. Hellboy has traveled the world for the BRPD: looking for clues, and fighting whatever comes out of the dark with whatever comes to hand. None of Hellboy's personal relationships have ever come easily to him. Uneasy about the reactions of others to his appearance, he tends to be full of witty remarks and sarcastic banter, trying to hide how dependent he is on the people he loves to treat him as completely normal.
Sample Post:
Well! When I set sail away from an island in the middle of nowhere, I didn't think I'd end up in a North American swamp. Or at least I think it's North American. Zombies tend to get that shade of puke when steeped in the devilwood leaf, according to those extremely fancy textbooks. Not like a single one can bother to use such wonderfully concise phrases as kill it dead with fire or run like the wind. And then they expect to take the book with you! It's ridiculous--ya gotta travel light, you know? Improvise a bit.
It's better then the damn unstable jet packs they've saddled me with before, and a hell of a lot better then their pathetic user error excuses. It's like they expected that I'd like to try crash landing at over ten feet in the air! Which, okay, to be fair, I have not yet died from falling that high, or even higher. Or, for that matter, failed to take care of that pesky little problem at the bottom of the drop. Nazis? Never a problem. Bird women? Been there, done that, repaired the trenchcoat. Hell, it used to be like "oh, is it the third Friday of the month? Time for tentacles! No width too large! No sucker unstuck! No spiritual evil un-vanquishable! The A-MAZING BRPD, ladies and gents!"
But hey, enough about me. Is this the place that's offering the jobs? Some shark swam by last week with this newspaper, with the Jobs section with a listing for a Camp F. Y. D. circled. I thought I was hallucinating for a second there, until he tried to bite me when I wouldn't take it. Sure woke me up in a hurry. I figure it couldn't hurt to stop by and check it out. And heck, this place is almost freaky enough to look like home: some of you kids even make me and my friends look normal. It's a nice setup you got here, so do you mind if I take a load off for a bit? Maybe even eat some cooked food--it's been a year or two, and raw shark is, to say the least, gamey...oh, and maybe take a shower, I can't remember when that wa--saaaay, is that a cell phone?
Well, whadya know! Technology is getting smaller and smaller nowadays. Can I borrow it? Got a few friends in high places, that I should be getting in contact about this place. It is kinda low key right now, but I can't believe it hasn't been cleaned up yet for you folks. S'only a few zombies, right? Just enough of a workout to help keep my girlish figure.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Jade Curtiss
Series: Tales of the
Abyss
Age: 35
Job: Disciplinarian
Canon: Tales of the Abyss takes
place on a planet known as Auldrant, a world made up
of fonons. Everything has fonons in them, him, her,
that guy's pet cat, that piece of dirt, everything. It
is also a world ruled by the Score, a prophecy that
can plots out anything from the future of the planet
to what you should be eating for dinner tonight.
An officer of the Malkuth Empire, colonel Jade Curtiss
is known far and wide in for his various scientific
and military accomplishments. He is also known as Jade
the Necromancer, due to rumors of him collecting
corpses to use in experiments. Which of course, are
just rumors, really. He is a master of handling a
spear and using the Fonic Artes, Fonic Artes of course
beings the fancy term for magic in Tales of the Abyss.
Oh, it is also worth mentioning he is a genius, and is
the one who invented cloning fomicry.
Jade is very intelligent, blunt, and has no problem
whatsoever telling someone who is acting stupid that
they are. He also has a rather twisted sense of humor,
which when coupled with his constant smiling face and
deadpan tone of voice... It makes it near impossible
for anyone else to pick up on said humor. Safe to say,
when he is subtly joking around, people often think he
is dead serious.
Sample Post:
I suppose when Luke decided we are all taking a
detour, he means that in the most extravagant way
possible. I wonder where he pulls the word detour
from, and then decides we are flying around the
majority of Auldrant. However, to find myself this far
separated from the group is quite the surprise. One
moment I am stepping off of the Tartarus, and the next
I am here.
Hm? No, the Tartarus is not related to dental hygiene
I'm afraid. If you require your teeth to be cleaned, I
certainly could give it a try with my spear. Why, I
just may shove it through your mouth and spare you a
slow death from that creature that is gnawing on your
leg.
Ah yes, you take care of your new friend. Meanwhile, I
shall do a small amount of exploring. After all, that
is how Luke always goes about things. Exploring every
nook and cranny of a place to find what he needs. That
is, when he isn't asking us what every other word we
use means.
Oh, how convenient, a sign. "Welcome to Camp Fuck You
Die!" Hmm... I have never heard of such a place, not
to mention the name itself is far from the norm. If it
is to be taken literally, I have no desire to die
anytime soon, I am still in the prime of my youth,
after all. But bad taste in names aside, I believe I
should invest in seeking out those whom I was partied
with.
Excuse me, but have any of you seen a man with red
hair? Most likely he was carrying a book called
"Hooked on Fonics"? It's a well suited read for him.
It has proven to be incredibly useful for teaching the
basics of Fonic Artes to those with the mind of a
twelve year old.
No? How sad. I was so hoping he could help provide me
with a means to communicate with the abundance of
idiocy lingering in the air. I just may require a
therapist if I have to deal with such focused levels
of juvenile foolishness.
Then again, perhaps I could just dissect those who
lack proper brain material, and see what they run on?
It must be something truly special for them to survive
in such an environment.
... I do not believe the proper answer to my question
is drugs.
Poll Vote!
Character: His Majesty Peony Ulpala Malkuth the Ninth
Series: Tales of the Abyss
Age: 36
Job: Dramatic Advisor
Canon: Emperor of the Malkuth Empire, the eastern of the two great nations of
Auldrant, Peony rules over his citizens with a fair hand, a likable demeanor,
and a startling degree of perception and ability.
At least, when ruling needs doing; otherwise, Peony's frequently kept busy
designing, making and foisting heroic and manly outfits on the unsuspecting
heroes that cross his path. Big on dramatic correctness and a sucker for a good
sentai series, he isn't above using inappropriate comments and situations as an
excuse to try to provoke reactions or just to get his target in a suitably
burning spirit mode.
The rest of his free time, however, is devoted to his beloved rappigs - rotund
farmland creatures that live in his gigantic messy pit of a room. Peony dotes
over the creatures constantly, naming them after family and friends and
repeatedly making Guy's task as a Lord to parade them around town for
walkies.
(Taken from after the game, mid-3-year interval.)
Sample Post:
Hey there! Look, I realise you're busy and all, but could you help a
guy out a minute? I'm looking for one of my dear friends, you see, and
I think he's trotted off without me again. His name's Guy: he's kind
of timid - just a tiny little guy, really - but he's putty in your
hands if you get the right spot under his neck. I thought I saw him
head this way, and he's overdue for his din-dins - growing lads need
their energy, right? Even if I do have to spoon-feed him
sometimes.
Ah, oh well; boys will be boys, you must know how it is, huh? Madam
Director has promised total safety to my beloved pets, so it couldn't
hurt to let my cute little ones get a handle on the place while I get
down to business. Speaking of which, nice sound effects, I have
to say - what is that, the biggest piece of gristle ever you're
chewing on? Nice idea, but I think you're going about it wrong,
hey?
See, if you're going to crunch on something like that you've got to be
in an alleyway at night, all red eyes and sinister glow. There's no
point to it if the heroine doesn't get terrified enough to leap into
the arms of the hero. ♪ And, you know, that grey is just sloppy;
no good in silhouette. You badly need more hangy-offy bits,
something to really dangle. You've got to be thinking 'giblets'
here.
--Oh now that just won't do at all. Look, surely you've all been
trained and read the books, you should know how this goes. A good
lurching arm swing - and hey, that is a good lurching arm
swing, maybe a little slow but there's good sound knowledge of
clubbing behind it - there's got to be a soul-rending groan. Something
to really set the audience off, get them clinging together on the edge
of their seats. Your friend has the right idea - he's only got half a
jaw but he's putting his heart into it might be a spleen
actually so come on, on your stumps and let's hear a good
spine-chilling dirge.
There! That's much better; don't you agree? Really, Madam
Director is very charming, but doesn't have the first clue on properly
setting the scene. Great props, acceptable use of green, but we need
action, suspense! Something to stir everything up around here
and get people quivering in their boots. I'll need some help from the
looks of things. Hmm.
How do you feel about being Camper Red?
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE.. Closed! Awriiight.
Character: John "J.D." Dorian
Series: Scrubs
Character Age: mid-late 20's
Job description: Nurse and safety counselor
Canon: Scrubs is a hilarious medical show about a training
hospital and the people who work there. Each episode is filled with
fantasy sequences, drama and comedy, and the coolest high fives you'll
ever encounter. Oh, and also sick people.
J.D. is the main protagonist and narrator of the series and is known
for his inner monologues and daydream sequences. He's an internal
medical resident at the Sacred Heart Hospital and is working towards
becoming an attending, like his mentor The Great Doctor Cox, who never
fails to come up with a new girl-name for his favorite newbie. By
season 4, he becomes the Co-chief resident and also works as a staff
internist.
He's almost blindingly white and nerdy (check it: he's the captain of
his kite flying team, he named his scooter Sasha, he wrote a
screenplay about a Vampire Doctor which he filmed on his cellphone,
the list goes on and on) and isn't that great at dating the ladies. Fo
shizzle. He's dysfunctional, quirky and really just can't stop
narrating his own life. He's also what he calls a "sensi" (an overly
sensitive man) and occassionally very insightful. Not to mention he
has some latent homosexual urges and tendencies; his alcoholic
beverage of choice is the appletini "easy on the tini" and he's
practically the wife in his BFF FOR LIFE relationship.
Sample post:
Guys, guys, I know it says "nurse" on my nametag, right below the name
Bambi -- NOT MY REAL NAME -- but really, I'm a doctor. See the white
coat and my ear...listening..thing? I even did the quotey-fingers when
I said nurse. So you can refer to me as Doctor Dorian. I'll also
answer to J.D., or The Boat. This nametag snafu probably is just some
elaborate plot by the Janitor and his sloppyjoe lackey.
There are no eggsalad tuesdays...He always toys with the
emotions of my tummy. Oh, no, not your janitor, mine.
Well he's not my own personal janitor, even though I've seen his
penis. Cancer-free, I'm proud to say. I once treated a guy who broke
his penis. True story. Almost got that published in a medical journal
until he changed his mind. C'est la vie, I guess.
Speaking of broken penises, I also happen to be your new safety
counselor. I know, I know, it's hard to believe that such a renagade
like myself would believe in safety, but the stories I could tell you.
Half of them involve a helmet. Laugh all you want but it was the only
thing that kept my hair styled and not on fire. If only I had it for
jiggly ball. Oh, you guys never heard of jiggly ball? It's only the
best game ever as long as you're not the one being jiggled. Luckily
for me the nerve damage was minimum.
This is what having interns must feel like. The power, the
glorious power! Holy crap is that a zombie?!? Huh. Well, I
guess part of being a doctor -- nurse -- being in the medical
profession is dealing with the unexpected and wow zombies are most
unexpected. Like ninjas! Really, those are here too? It was
then that I realized I was in the most magical place in the land.
Well, one of the most as I'm still looking for unicorns and a river of
chocolate. Still, when in Oz, all you can do is ease on down that
road.
Ease on down, ease on dooown the roooad!... That was outloud, wasn't it?
Poll Vote!
Character Name: The Doctor
Series: Doctor Who http://www.bbc.co.uk/doctorwho/
Age: 900-ish
Job: Repair Man. If you need if fixed, broken, or made, I’m your man.
Canon: The Doctor is a lonely wanderer, always looking for something new and adventurous. He travels via the TARDIS: a spaceship and time machine that looks like an old blue English police box. He is a Time Lord (alien) and speaks in a somewhat British accent, using phrases like Fantastic and Brilliant. When he comes across anything of interest, he goes off on what could be described as a ADD tangent; talking quickly, using completely alien words, and blocking everything else out of his mind (until something else catches his eye). He also tends to throw memories and odd facts into conversation. He’s a generally happy-go-lucky kind of guy, and tries to give everyone a chance to redeem themselves. There are no second chances, however, and his quirky happy personality can quickly turn into one that is deadly serious and willing to kill. He makes up almost everything as he goes and is able to operate, create, or take apart every kind of technology he comes across. It’s possible he knows everything. His constant companion is his sonic screwdriver, which unlocks things, locks things, shuts down robots, and does just about anything. He never misses a chance to joke at the expense of humans.
Sample Post:
Ah London! 18th Century all in snow and…hold on a tick.
Seeing as how I was quite obviously not in 18th century London, I moved back into the TARDIS to see where and when exactly it had spit me out this time.
…Louisiana, 21st century. Ah close enough. When you’ve been traveling as long as I have you get used to having a temperamental spaceship. So where exactly am - A CAMP! Oh that’s fantastic! I haven’t been to a camp in…well centuries actually. Think I’m a bit too old now, but might as well take a look around while I’m here.
Course, even though it has been a while, I don’t quite remember camp having this much mayhem. Never had guns or anything like that and…are those zombies?! Actual zombies?! That’s brilliant! Reanimating dead tissue and all that. Don’t think my camp ever had zombies…or squirrels. Not even sure we had trees actually. …Nope, never had trees.
All this explains how I could land a big blue box in the middle of the camp and have no one notice, though. Everyone else is too preoccupied running for their lives and killing things. Not like humans notice anyway. Have something odd and new show up, they just walk past. And what’s that thing they’re doing over there? Oh! Fantastic! A shotgun! A bit old fashioned, but a brilliant weapon, must see if I can get one. So much better than an anti-matter transmitter in this case.
It was when I tried to get back to the TARDIS to figure out if all of this was supposed to be here or if there was yet another tear in the universe I had to fix that I realized the problem. The TARDIS wasn’t working, again.
Oi, all the knowledge I got up ‘ere and I can’t even get my ship to work half the time. So I figured, might as well make myself useful while I’m here. Fantastic place this is anyway, so…different. So what do I do? I wander around some more, barge into an important looking room, introduce myself…and somehow end up with a job as a counselor. Had to convince everyone I met that my name is NOT my profession, though. Worked out in the end, no clue how to work with kids, but I can at least keep them well armed until I can get the TARDIS working again.
So, who am I? I’m the Doctor! Nice to meet you. If you need a hand, I could modify one of those shotguns into quite a beautiful matter disrupter.
Poll Vote!
Character: Velaxis Shiraz
Series: Wraeththu
Age: Unspecified. Older than he looks. (but all Wraeththu look young and beautiful!)
Job: Assistant Deputy Auxiliary Administrative Associate Vice-Director and Director of Vice
Canon:(contains mild, non-fatal spoilers for second trilogy). The Wraeththu series is just an ordinary tale of post- apocalyptic mutant hermaphrodites who take over the world by the power of magic sex. If only it were that simple! Unfortunately for our genitally-enhanced protagonists, once you've had the sex, there's still the politics to be dealt with. Wraeththu politics are dominated by one tribe, The Gelaming, who want to bring Peace, Enlightenment and Harmony to the rest of the Wraeththu tribes. By force, if necessary. They are led by Tigron Pellaz and his hegemony of political advisors called...er.. The Hegemony. Velaxis Shiraz works for The Hegemony - or, at least, they think he does.
Velaxis is variously described as "the archetypal civil servant", "a slippery fish" and "the true power behind the throne". (oh, and a Whore. mustn't forget Whore...) He was once the Personal Assistant to Thiede, The Most Powerful Wraeththu Of All (retired), and was given to the Hegemony some years back to provide sexual services to them, (hush - that's a perfectly respectable job for a Wraeththu!) since when he has been climbing the slippery pole in more ways than one, and the second trilogy of books sees him promoted to Chief Administrator.
He is devious, conniving, self-serving and drop-dead gorgeous - yet there is far more to him than meets the eye. He befriends the beleaguered and ostracised Tigrina, thus earning himself the animosity of Tigron Pellaz. In the final analysis, Velaxis is not at all what he seems - his machinations and plottings conceal a deeper objective which reveals a nobility of purpose strangely at odds with his sly personality.
Sample Post
Good morning. Residents of Camp, exanimate life-forms, tentacular lake-dwelling denizens - may I have a moment of your time? You appear to have little constructive use for it at the moment.
According to my notes, many of you have been here for quite some considerable time without making any progress either in solving a most perplexing murder, or constructing an entirely new and burgeoning civilisation from the ruins of the old. You will be delighted to learn that this period of unproductivity is now at an end! Your esteemed Madame Directorix has enlisted my aid to assist her in the administration of this camp. Once we have the necessary paperwork completed, a bright and glorious future awaits us. Also return tickets home and/or a decent burial. Isn't incentive a marvellous thing?
Obviously it has been difficult for you all without the appropriate administration in place to run a camp this size, but now I am here things will proceed apace. I realise that few of you have any experience in government, which is why I must start with the most basic and important structural reorganisation. My friends, if we are ever to bring justice and proper train timetables to this camp there is one vital thing we must do immediately:
We must form a committee!
Right then - will The Undead please line up over to the left. The Zombie Sub-Committee on Non-Animate Affairs will meet every other Tuesday and report to me personally at the end of the month. It will be a whole new era for the Pseudo-Vital! No, not ear, era. Didn't you hear... no, I suppose you wouldn't. No, I don't know where you can get a new one of those, perhaps you can just... staple the old one back on again...
As for the rest of you - can we have Demons, Spirits and Miscellaneous Minor Deities over in the far corner for now. Some of those powers will need regulating - you can't just go around throwing thunderbolts and the like without proper authorisation. Please have the necessary permits submitted by the end of the day if you wish to do any smiting.
Now, the humans... oh my dears, this is going to be more of a challenge than I had first envisaged! Normally I would use the traditional Wraeththu method to educate and enlighten - Modestly, I confess that I do have some expertise in that department... In fact there is a particular skill for which I am renowned - let's just say that were we to engage in this manoeuvre you would never again have to concern yourselves about archaic terms such as "top" or "bottom", - but alas it would require you to have two functioning sets of sexual organ. Each. And possibly a safety net. And besides, Madame Directorix has forbidden such delights, and rules must be obeyed.
We shall simply have to work with what we've got, small and insignificant though it is. Really, I don't know how you cope with such a disability, you brave souls! (by the way, if you would like to become officially registered as Sexually Handicapped, please complete form V1rG-1N and hand it in by the end of the week. Your badges and stickers will be posted to you, and you will be expected to display them publicly at all times.)
I shall be coming round to distribute your "The Future's Bright - The Future's Hermaphrodite" motivational posters, so please have your Toucan Licences ready to be stamped.
We at Gelaming Hegemony Enterprises Incorporated are dedicated to bringing Peace and Harmony to everyone under our jurisdiction. We are equal-opportunity autocrats and we do not discriminate against any tribes no matter how sexually unattractive spiritually undeveloped they may be. It may seem difficult to you now, but you will thank us for it later (in writing. on A4 paper. blue ink)
There is so much to be done! Yet now we have the specialised equipment and personnel in place we can begin the task of bringing order from chaos.
...I believe one of you has my stapler...?
Poll Vote!
Character: Touda
Series: Yami no Matsuei
Character age: Ageless, but looks to be in his late-twenties
Job: Fire Safety
Canon: Yami no Matsuei is a story about Gods of Death, also known as Shinigami, whose job it is to make sure that the souls of the dead arrive when and where they're supposed to. If they don't, the Shinigami are sent to the Human World to investigate and solve any problems or cases that arise. Shinigami are able to summon Shikigami, or gods rather, to help them fight. Shikigami can take either the form of a human or the form of a beast; in Touda's case, that being a giant, black, winged serpent of fire. He is also the only Shikigami capable of actually killing a Shinigami because of the immense heat and power of his fire.
Before becoming one of Tsuzuki's twelve Shikigami, Touda was betrayed and imprisoned for several hundred years for committing false 'crimes.' Without any contact to the outside world, he vowed revenge until Tsuzuki came along and rescued him. Because of this, he calls himself 'Tsuzuki's property' will always take Tsuzuki's orders very seriously. The only problem with that is that he'll only do just as Tsuzuki asks. For example, he's perfectly willing to kill Tsuzuki if so ordered, but he will neither kill nor save anyone on his own. All of that aside, Touda is a rather quiet, serious person with little to no tact. He never minces words and always says exactly what's on his mind.
Sample post:
According to the letter I received from Tsuzuki on the behalf of one Madame Director, I have been hired to teach you children about fire safety. And apparently, I "have to come to camp because it really, really needs my help. And sugar. And alcohol. But mostly sugar." Why pink sparkles, Tsuzuki? Why?
Moving right along, though. My name is Touda and since this is supposed to be a summer camp for 'kids,' we might as well start off with the basics. Don't set things on fire. 'Things' includes people, animals, buildings, the forest, and anything that is generally flammable. It really is just that simple. And despite certain misconceptions a few of you may have, fire is not, in fact, fun for the whole family. It would behoove you to just not do it. It saves me a headache and everyone else a world of pain.
Now, for those of you that have ignored my first point, we will continue on to the next one. How to put out fires. You have several options for this. If the fire is small enough, smothering it with dirt, sand or even blankets is one easy method. Fire extinguishers, if available, are another. But please do not spray your fellow campers with them. That is unacceptable and dangerous. Fire extinguishers are a tool, not a toy. Magic is also an easy way for those so inclined. And last but not least, water. Using a hose is preferable. Buckets are another option, albeit a slower and less efficient one. The water from the lake, however, is NOT suitable for putting out fires. It only spreads them. I've, ah, tried that already. And as a last resort, pissing out fires is also acceptable. Note that this should only be done by those with excellent aim and confidence in their skills. Those without would do well to run because no one wants to lose a valuable part of their anatomy that way.
And now for the most important point of all. Don't be a hero. If a fire gets too out of control, call for help or run. Because if you fail at any of these points and end up dead...well. Better luck next time. If you absolutely cannot control yourselves and must set fire to something, though, I would prefer it be the wandering dead. There are plenty around and they will continue to burn for quite some time. Hopefully, that will keep you occupied for a few hours. Now, if you have any questions, you are always free to ask. I cannot, however, guarantee that I will answer. And in all seriousness, if you see someone on fire, do not point and laugh. It really isn't all that funny and it is ineffective in helping the situation.
Poll Vote!
Character: Hellboy
Series: Hellboy (the comic)
Age: 62 (looks to be in his late twenties or early thirties)
Job: Pest Control Officer
Canon: Hellboy was summoned from the fiery depths of hell in 1944. The summoning did not go to plan, and Hellboy remained blissfully unaware of his demonic heritage, as much as one can with bright red skin and a tail. Boosted by his stubborn personal nature as well as inhuman metabolism, endurance, and his stone right hand, he has fought the things that go bump in the night as the world's greatest paranormal investigator for the Bureau for Paranormal Research and Defense (or BPRD, for short,) following in the footsteps of his foster father. Hellboy has traveled the world for the BRPD: looking for clues, and fighting whatever comes out of the dark with whatever comes to hand. None of Hellboy's personal relationships have ever come easily to him. Uneasy about the reactions of others to his appearance, he tends to be full of witty remarks and sarcastic banter, trying to hide how dependent he is on the people he loves to treat him as completely normal.
Sample Post:
Well! When I set sail away from an island in the middle of nowhere, I didn't think I'd end up in a North American swamp. Or at least I think it's North American. Zombies tend to get that shade of puke when steeped in the devilwood leaf, according to those extremely fancy textbooks. Not like a single one can bother to use such wonderfully concise phrases as kill it dead with fire or run like the wind. And then they expect to take the book with you! It's ridiculous--ya gotta travel light, you know? Improvise a bit.
It's better then the damn unstable jet packs they've saddled me with before, and a hell of a lot better then their pathetic user error excuses. It's like they expected that I'd like to try crash landing at over ten feet in the air! Which, okay, to be fair, I have not yet died from falling that high, or even higher. Or, for that matter, failed to take care of that pesky little problem at the bottom of the drop. Nazis? Never a problem. Bird women? Been there, done that, repaired the trenchcoat. Hell, it used to be like "oh, is it the third Friday of the month? Time for tentacles! No width too large! No sucker unstuck! No spiritual evil un-vanquishable! The A-MAZING BRPD, ladies and gents!"
But hey, enough about me. Is this the place that's offering the jobs? Some shark swam by last week with this newspaper, with the Jobs section with a listing for a Camp F. Y. D. circled. I thought I was hallucinating for a second there, until he tried to bite me when I wouldn't take it. Sure woke me up in a hurry. I figure it couldn't hurt to stop by and check it out. And heck, this place is almost freaky enough to look like home: some of you kids even make me and my friends look normal. It's a nice setup you got here, so do you mind if I take a load off for a bit? Maybe even eat some cooked food--it's been a year or two, and raw shark is, to say the least, gamey...oh, and maybe take a shower, I can't remember when that wa--saaaay, is that a cell phone?
Well, whadya know! Technology is getting smaller and smaller nowadays. Can I borrow it? Got a few friends in high places, that I should be getting in contact about this place. It is kinda low key right now, but I can't believe it hasn't been cleaned up yet for you folks. S'only a few zombies, right? Just enough of a workout to help keep my girlish figure.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Jade Curtiss
Series: Tales of the
Abyss
Age: 35
Job: Disciplinarian
Canon: Tales of the Abyss takes
place on a planet known as Auldrant, a world made up
of fonons. Everything has fonons in them, him, her,
that guy's pet cat, that piece of dirt, everything. It
is also a world ruled by the Score, a prophecy that
can plots out anything from the future of the planet
to what you should be eating for dinner tonight.
An officer of the Malkuth Empire, colonel Jade Curtiss
is known far and wide in for his various scientific
and military accomplishments. He is also known as Jade
the Necromancer, due to rumors of him collecting
corpses to use in experiments. Which of course, are
just rumors, really. He is a master of handling a
spear and using the Fonic Artes, Fonic Artes of course
beings the fancy term for magic in Tales of the Abyss.
Oh, it is also worth mentioning he is a genius, and is
the one who invented cloning fomicry.
Jade is very intelligent, blunt, and has no problem
whatsoever telling someone who is acting stupid that
they are. He also has a rather twisted sense of humor,
which when coupled with his constant smiling face and
deadpan tone of voice... It makes it near impossible
for anyone else to pick up on said humor. Safe to say,
when he is subtly joking around, people often think he
is dead serious.
Sample Post:
I suppose when Luke decided we are all taking a
detour, he means that in the most extravagant way
possible. I wonder where he pulls the word detour
from, and then decides we are flying around the
majority of Auldrant. However, to find myself this far
separated from the group is quite the surprise. One
moment I am stepping off of the Tartarus, and the next
I am here.
Hm? No, the Tartarus is not related to dental hygiene
I'm afraid. If you require your teeth to be cleaned, I
certainly could give it a try with my spear. Why, I
just may shove it through your mouth and spare you a
slow death from that creature that is gnawing on your
leg.
Ah yes, you take care of your new friend. Meanwhile, I
shall do a small amount of exploring. After all, that
is how Luke always goes about things. Exploring every
nook and cranny of a place to find what he needs. That
is, when he isn't asking us what every other word we
use means.
Oh, how convenient, a sign. "Welcome to Camp Fuck You
Die!" Hmm... I have never heard of such a place, not
to mention the name itself is far from the norm. If it
is to be taken literally, I have no desire to die
anytime soon, I am still in the prime of my youth,
after all. But bad taste in names aside, I believe I
should invest in seeking out those whom I was partied
with.
Excuse me, but have any of you seen a man with red
hair? Most likely he was carrying a book called
"Hooked on Fonics"? It's a well suited read for him.
It has proven to be incredibly useful for teaching the
basics of Fonic Artes to those with the mind of a
twelve year old.
No? How sad. I was so hoping he could help provide me
with a means to communicate with the abundance of
idiocy lingering in the air. I just may require a
therapist if I have to deal with such focused levels
of juvenile foolishness.
Then again, perhaps I could just dissect those who
lack proper brain material, and see what they run on?
It must be something truly special for them to survive
in such an environment.
... I do not believe the proper answer to my question
is drugs.
Poll Vote!
Character: His Majesty Peony Ulpala Malkuth the Ninth
Series: Tales of the Abyss
Age: 36
Job: Dramatic Advisor
Canon: Emperor of the Malkuth Empire, the eastern of the two great nations of
Auldrant, Peony rules over his citizens with a fair hand, a likable demeanor,
and a startling degree of perception and ability.
At least, when ruling needs doing; otherwise, Peony's frequently kept busy
designing, making and foisting heroic and manly outfits on the unsuspecting
heroes that cross his path. Big on dramatic correctness and a sucker for a good
sentai series, he isn't above using inappropriate comments and situations as an
excuse to try to provoke reactions or just to get his target in a suitably
burning spirit mode.
The rest of his free time, however, is devoted to his beloved rappigs - rotund
farmland creatures that live in his gigantic messy pit of a room. Peony dotes
over the creatures constantly, naming them after family and friends and
repeatedly making Guy's task as a Lord to parade them around town for
walkies.
(Taken from after the game, mid-3-year interval.)
Sample Post:
Hey there! Look, I realise you're busy and all, but could you help a
guy out a minute? I'm looking for one of my dear friends, you see, and
I think he's trotted off without me again. His name's Guy: he's kind
of timid - just a tiny little guy, really - but he's putty in your
hands if you get the right spot under his neck. I thought I saw him
head this way, and he's overdue for his din-dins - growing lads need
their energy, right? Even if I do have to spoon-feed him
sometimes.
Ah, oh well; boys will be boys, you must know how it is, huh? Madam
Director has promised total safety to my beloved pets, so it couldn't
hurt to let my cute little ones get a handle on the place while I get
down to business. Speaking of which, nice sound effects, I have
to say - what is that, the biggest piece of gristle ever you're
chewing on? Nice idea, but I think you're going about it wrong,
hey?
See, if you're going to crunch on something like that you've got to be
in an alleyway at night, all red eyes and sinister glow. There's no
point to it if the heroine doesn't get terrified enough to leap into
the arms of the hero. ♪ And, you know, that grey is just sloppy;
no good in silhouette. You badly need more hangy-offy bits,
something to really dangle. You've got to be thinking 'giblets'
here.
--Oh now that just won't do at all. Look, surely you've all been
trained and read the books, you should know how this goes. A good
lurching arm swing - and hey, that is a good lurching arm
swing, maybe a little slow but there's good sound knowledge of
clubbing behind it - there's got to be a soul-rending groan. Something
to really set the audience off, get them clinging together on the edge
of their seats. Your friend has the right idea - he's only got half a
jaw but he's putting his heart into it might be a spleen
actually so come on, on your stumps and let's hear a good
spine-chilling dirge.
There! That's much better; don't you agree? Really, Madam
Director is very charming, but doesn't have the first clue on properly
setting the scene. Great props, acceptable use of green, but we need
action, suspense! Something to stir everything up around here
and get people quivering in their boots. I'll need some help from the
looks of things. Hmm.
How do you feel about being Camper Red?
Poll Vote!