(no subject)
ALMOST THERE, GUYS.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Hoshigaki Kisame
Series: Naruto (Try here for lots of good info.)
Age: 31
Job: Swim Counselor
Canon: Hoshigaki Kisame’s favorite phrase is “Survival of the Fittest,” and his character certainly bears witness to this. Originally from Kirigakure (Hidden Mist Village), a ninja village known for its sometimes-brutal customs, Kisame was a member of their famous “Seven Mist Swordsmen.” At some point, he began killing off some of his country’s daimyo (civilian rulers), and defected from his village after he was discovered.
The shark-like missing-nin (he has blue hair and skin, shark-like eyes and teeth) is now a member of Akatsuki. He is partnered with Uchiha Itachi, and the two appear to work and fight very well together. Kisame respects his partner and defers to him much of the time, but otherwise they seem to treat each other equally and to know each other fairly well.
He is brash and occasionally a bit impatient in combat, and obviously enjoys fighting and bloodshed a great deal. He wields a strange blade called the “Samehada,” (lit. “shark skin”) as his main weapon, and its large, purplish “teeth” shave away at opponents, both their skin and their chakra. Although the sword is obviously his preferred weapon, he also makes frequent use of various water jutsu, and has very large reserves of chakra. Despite all of this, Kisame’s speech patterns are very polite, and he has some tendencies towards being sarcastic.
Sample Post:
My cloak is glowing.
I am well aware of the properties of water, and I have never heard of water that makes things glow. What sort of a lake is this? I am also under the distinct impression that the tentacled-thing was attempting to grope me. It managed to take a good chunk out of the back of my cloak…and rather high to be trying to grab me around the legs, like any normal giant squid would do if it were trying to eat me.
The Director did say that this place is…what was her phrase? “Unique.” Hmm…perhaps this won’t be such a waste of time after all. We’ll see how those tentacles like my Samehada.
First, though, I have been given to understand that I am the…Swim Counselor. I’m going to assume this means I’m supposed to teach you kids how to swim. Really, with such a lovely, large, glowing, monster-ridden lake to practice in, I’m shocked no one else has offered something of the sort before.
…I suppose I’d best start with cleaning up some of the monsters, or most of you kids won’t come near it. So…there’s the tentacle-thing, quite a few crocodiles, and some bird-type thing on the rock on the other side, if I’m seeing that right.
Excellent. That should be enough to get started with; it’s been too long since I had a decent fight. If anyone is interested in swimming lessons, please do come talk to me when I get back.
Poll Vote!
Character: Groundskeeper Willie
Series: in his fifties
Age: The Simpsons http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_simpsons
Job: Groundskeeper
Canon: Straight outta North Kilt-town, this greased up Scot lives to fight and fights to drink. Willie makes his way doing the dirtiest of janitorial jobs at Springfield Elementary School as well as tending to the groundskeeping duties. Years of these gruesome tasks have shaped his impressive physique as they often involve wrestling wolves/toilet monsters. Despite his hard work, Willie still lives in poverty (which might have something to do with his drinking habits), although he doesn't seem to mind this too much. Willie's mood and intentions shift wildly from situation to situation, sometimes kind and helpful and other times violent and hateful, he usually resorts to punching his way out of predicaments.
Sample Post:
'Twas a two day drive on me old trractor, but ah made it! Saints be praised... This is a bonny camp indeed! Just look at those shacks! Much finer than old Willeh's, with 4 walls and rroofs to boot... And that must be the mess hall! It's got a scrreen door and everything... A boat house?! La-dee-da, this must be a prretty fairy camp for the millionaires' li'l pukes! Mebbe Willie could even get a crystal slop bucket here while he's at it!
When I was a wee one, we didn' have such luxuries! In summerr we were sent off to the coal mines, and winterrs were colder 'n a well-diggerr's bum! And we liked it! Ah'll wager the spoiled brats here don' even know the meanin' of a harrd daey's work! Willeh would teach 'em a thing or two... Noow where's the person in charrge here?
Oi, you! Ah've coome to fill in the grroundskeeper posi-
Aye, what's this? A frreshly made haggis! A welcoome gift fer me? Yeh shouldn' have! And these intestines hanging off, can ah keep 'em too? W-woah, easy now, lad! Gettin' all over a body like that... Willeh don' need no hugs- Well, mebbe just a quick one.
...*sniff* Fergive me, laddie, fer tearin' uup... A warrmer welcoome Willie's not had. Ah now, look! A little lass has joined us, and I see another comin' right behind 'er. Can yeh kindly dirrect me to the boss of this place?
HEY! It was just a question, no need to bite ol' Willie! Let me get- Oi! I told yeh- OCH!
All Right, ye nancy boys, you asked for it!
Take this!
And that!
And summa that too!
Keep it comin' yeh saggy worm-eaten crypt-keepers!
Anyone else wanna piece o' Willie?!
Poll Vote!
Character: Adell's Mom
Series: Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories (Wiki)
Age: Unknown. Likely in her late thirties or early/mid fourties.
Job: Summoning 101 (For those still without their boyfriends! It isn't like camp will allow it, but it's worth a shot.)
Canon: The mother of the game's protagonist as well as the bearer of a handy plot device; but everyone just calls her "Mom", really! Adell's Mom is a loving, caring housewife... when no one is looking. The curse Zenon put on Veldime left her without much of a conscience, and made her somewhat demented. When she's not threatening her own son or playing a small part in the plot/subplots, she usually spends her time standing outside the house as a generic NPC, like other characters.
Adell's Mom is also an excellent summoner, and used to get requests from nobles and royalty, apparently. Though we're not exactly sure why a housewife would have that ability in the first place.
Sample Post:
Mhmm, what a great morning to be introduced to; Everyone is up and running to the Mess Hall, the lake is glowing a nice green, the gorillas are doing their business with that unfortunate camper over there in the bushes, the toucans are laughing at them, and others are grabbing their shotguns.
I don't understand why you're all complaining. This is a very lively place!
The zombies have such personality too--my husband could learn a thing or two from them--why, Albert over there is quite the flatterer! Complementing my brains and caressing my head so tenderly... ohh, he shouldn't tease an old woman like that ♥
To think I would be hired to work at a Netherworld of all places. Oh well. Pay attention, Campers! I'll be your summoning instructor from here on, and I'm about to give my first demonstration! When you're finally ready to try for yourself, just remember: If you end up calling some horrible beast instead of your beloved, you can't pin the blame on me.
Now then, who's willing to be a good little sacrifice and get in the pot?
Poll Vote!
Character: Alucard von Mosquiton
Series: Master of Mosquiton
Age: Unknown. Likely many hundreds of years.
Job: Manager of Drapery Sanitation
Canon: In the 1920s, there was a teenager named Inaho Hitomobore who wanted nothing more than to be 'young and beautiful forever'. To accomplish this goal, she decided to set out in search of the fabled 'O-Part' that would grant its owner eternal youth. To assist her in this quest, she used her blood to revive the 1/6th vampire Alucard von Mosquiton, making her his 'master'. Unfortunately for 'Mo-chan', his duties mostly involved being an unpaid slave to the bossy teenager. He cooks, he cleans -- he even cuts her toenails! While he acts grumpy about her childishness most of the time, the truth is he really cares for her quite deeply. All it takes is a few crocodile tears for him to agree to do whatever she asks.
While he's prone to being heavily sarcastic, Mosquiton is at heart a nice and quite selfless guy. He doesn't seem to mind living a quiet domestic life, actually preferring cleaning clocks to going on one of Inaho's dangerous quests for the 'O-Part'. Easily whipped by women and a bit of a chicken in spite of his immortality, he's not exactly your typical blood sucker.
Sample Post:
Look, kids. I know you lead reaaaaally busy and stressful lives; what with the week-long relationships and the killing each other over who has the prettiest hair and five hour naps in the middle of the day and all. I'm going to have to be a real nag though and ask that you don't just dump your clothing on the floor from now on. Especially not if you're going to just let it stay there for weeks on end. It... apparently doesn't like that. At all. Not that I speak turtleneck sweater or anything, but I kind of got the impression it wasn't too happy when it lunged for my arm and started trying to, y'know -- bite it off. 'Tried' being the operative word, as it didn't have any teeth. Instead I just have lint deeply imbedded into my arm. Which is worlds of fun, let me tell you. I had a very painful date I had with Mrs. Tweezers afterwards, and dates with that woman aaaalways end in tears.
Uh. Right. You're probably wondering why I care so deeply about your laundry. My name's Alucard von Mosquiton, and I'm going to be your 'Manager of Drapery Sanitation' for... however long I'm here. That's more or less a fancy smancy title that roughly translates to: 'Scrubs mustard stains out of your pants and doesn't get paid for it'. At least I think that was mustard. Oh, please god let it have been mustard. Ahem. I’ve taken the liberty of actually putting clothes hampers out in the cabins that didn’t already have them - which I noticed about three people mistook for trashcans. It’s not that I don’t appreciate your wonderful gifts of chewed gum and what appear to be rejected ideas for gay romance novels (if I never have to read the phrase ‘yearning love tunnel’ again it’ll be too soon), but I’d really be grateful if you’d use the hampers for clothing.
Anyway, let's get something out of the way: In case the fangs and cape didn't tip you off, I'm a vampire. Now, I know exactly where your mind is going. You're picturing some creepy pale guy swooping into some innocent woman's room in the middle of the night with the inability to properly use the letter 'w' and a serious neck fetish.
No. Just… no.
See, blood's just an occasional treat for me. I don't need it to live. Really, I'd much rather eat something that's not going to have the ability to kick me in the crotch or hit me with a lamp. Or do both at the same time. Not that I don’t enjoy the red stuff, but I’ll happily settle for a nice non-violent bowl of oatmeal. Well… maybe not oatmeal. Ech. Too goopy.
Yeah, OK. I guess I’d better get back to work now. There’s a pile of dirty laundry the size of Mt. Everest that’s sure as hell not going to wash itself.
By the way, anyone know what kind of laundry detergent gets out the smell of impending doom?
Poll Vote!
Character: Arnold Judas Rimmer, B.S.C.
Series: Red Dwarf
Age: Age 31 when he died. Holograms don't age physically.
Job: Esperanto Instructor
Canon: Red Dwarf is a television, and book, series about a motley crew of space losers, Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, The Cat, Holy, and later, Kryten and Krissy Kochanski, three million light years from Earth. They travel space, looting Space Corps derelicts and eating curry. Amongst the beings they encounter, is Ace Rimmer, another Arnold Rimmer from a parallel dimension who is everything Arnold is not: charming, handsome, and advanced in his career.
As a young adult, Arnold Rimmer joined the Space Corps, hoping to become an officer, but instead ended up as a Second Technician in charge of Z-shift, with the primary function of cleaning chicken soup machine nozzles. Disliked by almost everyone, he instead focused on his career, such as it was, which led to him sitting, and failing, the astronavigation exam on no less than thirteen occasions. A neurotic mess, according to everyone around him, he even signs all his papers with B.S.C. for Bronze Swimming Certificate.
After his crewmate, Dave Lister, ended up in suspended animation for failure to observe quarantine procedures, he, and the rest of the crew, were killed from a lethal overdose of radiation poisoning. Three million years later, Dave Lister emerged from stasis to find everybody dead. The ship's computer, Holly, brought Rimmer back as a hologram to keep Lister, the last man alive, sane. He does this by quoting Space Corps Directives, abusing his position, and by being a complete and utter smeghead.
Sample Post:
Carmita! Carmita! Captain A. J. Rimmer, Space Adventurer at your service.
Did anyone receive my proposals for revising the camp salute? This one has four twirls! Much better than the old, boring one. Quadruple the respect!
You may think me a petty-minded officer, obsessed with rules and regulations, and you're absolutely damned right. I've got officer in my blood. I'm going places.
Would it kill any of you to dress like me? A pressed uniform. A spanking short haircut. Polished boots. Plus, I've always got a pen. It's a mark of respect.
Up, up the ziggarot, lickity-split. That's where I'm going.
Just wait one smegging minute.
Where's the parade? Where's the welcome party? I travel three million light years to get back to Earth, and not so much as even a bit of confetti?
I'm being punished. That's what it is. Fail the astronavigation exams a few times, and they send you off to a smelly swamp in the middle of nowhere.
It's not my fault that I can't take tests. It's not my fault, especially that one time when I had my spasm. Everyone is against me. It's undeniable. They see me as Arnold Judas Rimmer, scum of the universe.
Instead of being an officer and a gentleman, I'm stuck here trying to teach Esperanto to a bunch of squirts. It's not easy finding a job...when you're dead, can't touch anything, and are composed entirely of light. You got take what you can get. In a past life, I was amongst the greats. Alexander the Great's chief eunuch. Now, I'm not even fit to clean chicken soup machines any longer.
Oh, well. Let's get on with it then. Some people may mock it, but Esperanto is the international language. The language of all truly successful people.
Let's start with something simple. The phrase is, "I will not attack the barrier."
" Lausajne estas rano en mia bideo!"
Wait, no. That's the one about the bidet.
Poll Vote!
Character: Madman
Series: Nightside series
Age: Educated guess? 60s or so
Job: Math tutor
Canon: In the Nightside, London's secret, seedy underground
where it's always 3am under the giant moon, you can buy anything and
everything that ever existed (and a few things that don't) for the
right price. It's usually your soul, but details. And you will find as
your companions Gods, Demons, Angels, Powers, Beings and a few
extraordinary people. Some of them are even normal.
One of the more notable denizens of the Nightside is Madman. He used
to be a genius until the equation he invented let him See the way
things really are and drove him utterly batshit, bugfuck insane. In
the crazy way. He is generally mild, distractedly pleasant and more
than a little befuddled. He spends a lot of time in his own little
world Seeing things no one else does. Distracted and not all there,
his speech tends towards random and he is the expert at the
non-sequitur comment. He'll make no sense at all one moment and so
much sense it hurts the next. He's also known for random quotes. He is
unpredictable and considered extremely dangerous because reality has a
habit of changing around him. His lucid moments, if anything, are
worse. And he has a soundtrack that always plays from out of nowhere
and reflects his moods.
Note: The apper is well aware of Madman's fantastically godmoddy
status and will gladly discuss plans to downplay it with anyone who
asks. Permission will always be asked before any changes at all occur
to characters.
Sample Post:
I think I might have been supposed to be somewhere else. I don't
remember; I rarely remember. That's good, or maybe it isn't. I think I
was about to be all stirred up or See something bad. Things change and
slip away from me then. But I'm here instead, invited. I don't
remember maths. They remember me. One plus one likes to equal five on
Sundays.
It's new here. Distracting. Distractions are good; I don't like me
when I might be bored. There are lots of stray thoughts that go in all
the wrong ways then. Unpredictable and unpleasant ways; I really
should be more careful. But the gorillas do look better in red. Purple
is the color of old, blue blood. It doesn't fit; all snags.
Nothing fits like Nightside. It's too bright here, in the wrong
ways, and the moon teeters too small in its holder. And loud. There is
howling and gnashing of teeth. That's the wrong script. You can't even
see Hell from here.
The zombies don't know any better. They press in needy and hungry and
wanting. They don't like me. My brains taste like string theory, all
convoluted and warped on itself and turned inside out. So they all
fall over and spill out with too many angles and viewpoints like a
cubist trip-tripping over the canvas. No-one likes what I See.
Merry Elizabeth quite contrary, how does your camp grow? With lost
children and slimy things and Madman to tend them like so. But my
thumbs aren't green. Green thumbs are important for growing crazy
children. But maybe if I leave them be they'll grow on their own. Like
wild oats. Except they can't sew so I have to teach them to sew.
That's my job.
Sewing is simple. In and out like X, one thing and then another,
changing through the equation. When reality becomes unbearable, change
reality. X is the way out.
After sewing there are other lessons for X. Remember to borrow zombie
fingers so you don't lose count in base 20. And never let the watchers
behind screens fool you. The answer is never 42, or falling rocks.
It's something else next time.
. . . Our song is playing. It's playing all the time now.
Mmm-mmm-mm-mmm, mm-mmm-mm-mmm I can't get no satisfaction~
Poll Vote!
Character: Bob the Angry Flower
Series: Bob the Angry Flower
Age: Unknown (Cannot be known)
Job: Happiness Monitor
Canon: Bob the Angry Flower is your typical anarchic cartoon character. Why is he a flower? How does he walk and talk? How did a man-size flower come into existence? It is a mystery. Only one thing is for sure: is he a HAPPY flower? Only occasionally.
Bob spends his spare time being a consultant to the United Nations, building newer and better armies of robots, watching tv, and acting as the occasional super-villain when the need arises. There's no set behavioral standard for Bob the Angry Flower, but one general rule applies: if it's insensitive, shocking, and provokes a 'wtf' reaction, that's Bob.
Sample Post:
Now, friends. We all know Camp Fuck You Die is only the HAPPIEST place on Earth. Don't we? Of course we do!
Oh sure, I hear you say. "But, Bob! I already do everything I can to maintain proper happiness levels! Is it my fault the tentacle monster got overly friendly/alcohol was banned/the no-sex rule wasn't lifted?" Quite frankly, yes. Those are all your fault. And more!
Fortunately, the Camp Director has discovered a cure! ENTER: Bob, the Apoplectic Flower! I've already been provided various formulas GUARANTEED to increase your happiness levels! Go from "emoninja," to "Shota-tastic," in one shot! Available in kool-aid, plasma, and/or our original signature syringe flavor! No, no need to thank me... you're all worth it.
"But, Bob!" you might happen to say. "Isn't the euphoria that comes from substance abuse just a false, manufactured happiness? Completely artificial, and satisfying to nobody?" To which I must ask... what are you, some kind of philosopher? You hiding a degree in that giant brain of yours?! Shut up and drink my goddamn happy juice! --Fortified with extra happy; clinically proven to treat all unhappiness and other unhappiness related injuries! And don't worry: any known side effects are fully recoverable sorta, and will leave no lasting effects or discontent with the current camp governing administration. Everybody wins!
Why?
Because happiness, is now-- mandatory!
Poll Vote!
Character: Ichihara Yuuko (which is an alias; real name unknown)
Series: xxxHolic
Age: unknown; looks to be around early to mid-thirties
Job: Dimensional Advisor/Shopkeeper
Canon: xxxHolic is a show about a certain Watanuki Kimihiro, who brings all the ghosts to the yard attracts spirits and other such supernatural entities. He hates being harassed by them all the time and only wishes that whatever it is that attracts them to him would disappear and he could be normal. One day, he stumbles into a mysterious shop which a woman who claims to be able to grant any wish so long as an equal payment is rendered, and his life changes. Drastically.
Ichihara Yuuko, said mysterious shopkeeper, is known under several different aliases, such as the “Time Space Witch” and the “Far Eastern Witch”. As the titles indicate, she’s a powerful sorceress with the ability to travel across time and space, but normally, she prefers to specialize in granting wishes. And exacting the proper price, which can range from locks of hair to making you her personal slave for who knows how long your soul. It all depends on the wish really. She’s sharply intelligent and knowledge, although this is used to cause Watanuki grief more often than not. Despite appearing bossy, lazy, whimsical and slightly insensitive, Yuuko has a very deep understanding of the human psyche and evidently cares for Watanuki very much in her own eccentric ways. Oh, and she also tops him. Hard.
Sample Post:
Greetings, children~
My presence was requested here by your Lady Director to address some of the issues that came when she tried to create this dimension of hers. Impressive, I must say, for an amateur dabbling in world creation, but rushed. There is much room for improvement, such as how the toucans could be put to much better traumatizing use than merely taunting the occasional camper, and I will be advising her on those matters. That wasn’t her original wish, of course, but there were complications with her other one.
On the side, I’ll be happy to offer my services to the rest of this camp. I’ve noted that the majority of you, excluding the locals, seem quite unhappy to be here, but remember: there’s no such thing as coincidence, only the inevitable. Yes, even the errant vine that tried to touch you last night in the shower, dear.
I will be keeping a shop for the duration of my stay, a shop that grants wishes. If it’s possible for the customer, I can grant any wish… for a reasonable price of course. There is only one exception, and I’m sorry to say that any wishes for transportation out of this camp and back to your world cannot be accommodated. I’m afraid your Director has gotten there first, and I have a binding contract to uphold, you understand. Besides, world travel is expensive and considering the difficulties of this case, the price would be very steep indeed. But don’t worry- your Director will be compensating for my services, and your grief, quite handsomely. Especially if my alcohol supply is banned in this place.
Should you have need of my services, you’ll be able to find my shop with no troubles. It is inevitable, after all. Ah, as was this meeting, I’m sure. You have a wish, child, and I can grant it. You may call me Yuuko, Ichihara Yuuko. And your name? Marcy-chan, is it? And what is your heart’s wish, Marcy-chan? A farther reach “all the better to molest them with” hm… Approved! We can arrange that quite nicely with a simple expansion of your lovely, bubbling lake. Now, about the price…
Hm? Yes, fetching me my wayward employee would be a suitable payment, I believe. Just try not to traumatize him too much.
Watanuki, your absence is coming straight out of your paycheck, but you knew that already. ♥
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Hoshigaki Kisame
Series: Naruto (Try here for lots of good info.)
Age: 31
Job: Swim Counselor
Canon: Hoshigaki Kisame’s favorite phrase is “Survival of the Fittest,” and his character certainly bears witness to this. Originally from Kirigakure (Hidden Mist Village), a ninja village known for its sometimes-brutal customs, Kisame was a member of their famous “Seven Mist Swordsmen.” At some point, he began killing off some of his country’s daimyo (civilian rulers), and defected from his village after he was discovered.
The shark-like missing-nin (he has blue hair and skin, shark-like eyes and teeth) is now a member of Akatsuki. He is partnered with Uchiha Itachi, and the two appear to work and fight very well together. Kisame respects his partner and defers to him much of the time, but otherwise they seem to treat each other equally and to know each other fairly well.
He is brash and occasionally a bit impatient in combat, and obviously enjoys fighting and bloodshed a great deal. He wields a strange blade called the “Samehada,” (lit. “shark skin”) as his main weapon, and its large, purplish “teeth” shave away at opponents, both their skin and their chakra. Although the sword is obviously his preferred weapon, he also makes frequent use of various water jutsu, and has very large reserves of chakra. Despite all of this, Kisame’s speech patterns are very polite, and he has some tendencies towards being sarcastic.
Sample Post:
My cloak is glowing.
I am well aware of the properties of water, and I have never heard of water that makes things glow. What sort of a lake is this? I am also under the distinct impression that the tentacled-thing was attempting to grope me. It managed to take a good chunk out of the back of my cloak…and rather high to be trying to grab me around the legs, like any normal giant squid would do if it were trying to eat me.
The Director did say that this place is…what was her phrase? “Unique.” Hmm…perhaps this won’t be such a waste of time after all. We’ll see how those tentacles like my Samehada.
First, though, I have been given to understand that I am the…Swim Counselor. I’m going to assume this means I’m supposed to teach you kids how to swim. Really, with such a lovely, large, glowing, monster-ridden lake to practice in, I’m shocked no one else has offered something of the sort before.
…I suppose I’d best start with cleaning up some of the monsters, or most of you kids won’t come near it. So…there’s the tentacle-thing, quite a few crocodiles, and some bird-type thing on the rock on the other side, if I’m seeing that right.
Excellent. That should be enough to get started with; it’s been too long since I had a decent fight. If anyone is interested in swimming lessons, please do come talk to me when I get back.
Poll Vote!
Character: Groundskeeper Willie
Series: in his fifties
Age: The Simpsons http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_simpsons
Job: Groundskeeper
Canon: Straight outta North Kilt-town, this greased up Scot lives to fight and fights to drink. Willie makes his way doing the dirtiest of janitorial jobs at Springfield Elementary School as well as tending to the groundskeeping duties. Years of these gruesome tasks have shaped his impressive physique as they often involve wrestling wolves/toilet monsters. Despite his hard work, Willie still lives in poverty (which might have something to do with his drinking habits), although he doesn't seem to mind this too much. Willie's mood and intentions shift wildly from situation to situation, sometimes kind and helpful and other times violent and hateful, he usually resorts to punching his way out of predicaments.
Sample Post:
'Twas a two day drive on me old trractor, but ah made it! Saints be praised... This is a bonny camp indeed! Just look at those shacks! Much finer than old Willeh's, with 4 walls and rroofs to boot... And that must be the mess hall! It's got a scrreen door and everything... A boat house?! La-dee-da, this must be a prretty fairy camp for the millionaires' li'l pukes! Mebbe Willie could even get a crystal slop bucket here while he's at it!
When I was a wee one, we didn' have such luxuries! In summerr we were sent off to the coal mines, and winterrs were colder 'n a well-diggerr's bum! And we liked it! Ah'll wager the spoiled brats here don' even know the meanin' of a harrd daey's work! Willeh would teach 'em a thing or two... Noow where's the person in charrge here?
Oi, you! Ah've coome to fill in the grroundskeeper posi-
Aye, what's this? A frreshly made haggis! A welcoome gift fer me? Yeh shouldn' have! And these intestines hanging off, can ah keep 'em too? W-woah, easy now, lad! Gettin' all over a body like that... Willeh don' need no hugs- Well, mebbe just a quick one.
...*sniff* Fergive me, laddie, fer tearin' uup... A warrmer welcoome Willie's not had. Ah now, look! A little lass has joined us, and I see another comin' right behind 'er. Can yeh kindly dirrect me to the boss of this place?
HEY! It was just a question, no need to bite ol' Willie! Let me get- Oi! I told yeh- OCH!
All Right, ye nancy boys, you asked for it!
Take this!
And that!
And summa that too!
Keep it comin' yeh saggy worm-eaten crypt-keepers!
Anyone else wanna piece o' Willie?!
Poll Vote!
Character: Adell's Mom
Series: Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories (Wiki)
Age: Unknown. Likely in her late thirties or early/mid fourties.
Job: Summoning 101 (For those still without their boyfriends! It isn't like camp will allow it, but it's worth a shot.)
Canon: The mother of the game's protagonist as well as the bearer of a handy plot device; but everyone just calls her "Mom", really! Adell's Mom is a loving, caring housewife... when no one is looking. The curse Zenon put on Veldime left her without much of a conscience, and made her somewhat demented. When she's not threatening her own son or playing a small part in the plot/subplots, she usually spends her time standing outside the house as a generic NPC, like other characters.
Adell's Mom is also an excellent summoner, and used to get requests from nobles and royalty, apparently. Though we're not exactly sure why a housewife would have that ability in the first place.
Sample Post:
Mhmm, what a great morning to be introduced to; Everyone is up and running to the Mess Hall, the lake is glowing a nice green, the gorillas are doing their business with that unfortunate camper over there in the bushes, the toucans are laughing at them, and others are grabbing their shotguns.
I don't understand why you're all complaining. This is a very lively place!
The zombies have such personality too--my husband could learn a thing or two from them--why, Albert over there is quite the flatterer! Complementing my brains and caressing my head so tenderly... ohh, he shouldn't tease an old woman like that ♥
To think I would be hired to work at a Netherworld of all places. Oh well. Pay attention, Campers! I'll be your summoning instructor from here on, and I'm about to give my first demonstration! When you're finally ready to try for yourself, just remember: If you end up calling some horrible beast instead of your beloved, you can't pin the blame on me.
Now then, who's willing to be a good little sacrifice and get in the pot?
Poll Vote!
Character: Alucard von Mosquiton
Series: Master of Mosquiton
Age: Unknown. Likely many hundreds of years.
Job: Manager of Drapery Sanitation
Canon: In the 1920s, there was a teenager named Inaho Hitomobore who wanted nothing more than to be 'young and beautiful forever'. To accomplish this goal, she decided to set out in search of the fabled 'O-Part' that would grant its owner eternal youth. To assist her in this quest, she used her blood to revive the 1/6th vampire Alucard von Mosquiton, making her his 'master'. Unfortunately for 'Mo-chan', his duties mostly involved being an unpaid slave to the bossy teenager. He cooks, he cleans -- he even cuts her toenails! While he acts grumpy about her childishness most of the time, the truth is he really cares for her quite deeply. All it takes is a few crocodile tears for him to agree to do whatever she asks.
While he's prone to being heavily sarcastic, Mosquiton is at heart a nice and quite selfless guy. He doesn't seem to mind living a quiet domestic life, actually preferring cleaning clocks to going on one of Inaho's dangerous quests for the 'O-Part'. Easily whipped by women and a bit of a chicken in spite of his immortality, he's not exactly your typical blood sucker.
Sample Post:
Look, kids. I know you lead reaaaaally busy and stressful lives; what with the week-long relationships and the killing each other over who has the prettiest hair and five hour naps in the middle of the day and all. I'm going to have to be a real nag though and ask that you don't just dump your clothing on the floor from now on. Especially not if you're going to just let it stay there for weeks on end. It... apparently doesn't like that. At all. Not that I speak turtleneck sweater or anything, but I kind of got the impression it wasn't too happy when it lunged for my arm and started trying to, y'know -- bite it off. 'Tried' being the operative word, as it didn't have any teeth. Instead I just have lint deeply imbedded into my arm. Which is worlds of fun, let me tell you. I had a very painful date I had with Mrs. Tweezers afterwards, and dates with that woman aaaalways end in tears.
Uh. Right. You're probably wondering why I care so deeply about your laundry. My name's Alucard von Mosquiton, and I'm going to be your 'Manager of Drapery Sanitation' for... however long I'm here. That's more or less a fancy smancy title that roughly translates to: 'Scrubs mustard stains out of your pants and doesn't get paid for it'. At least I think that was mustard. Oh, please god let it have been mustard. Ahem. I’ve taken the liberty of actually putting clothes hampers out in the cabins that didn’t already have them - which I noticed about three people mistook for trashcans. It’s not that I don’t appreciate your wonderful gifts of chewed gum and what appear to be rejected ideas for gay romance novels (if I never have to read the phrase ‘yearning love tunnel’ again it’ll be too soon), but I’d really be grateful if you’d use the hampers for clothing.
Anyway, let's get something out of the way: In case the fangs and cape didn't tip you off, I'm a vampire. Now, I know exactly where your mind is going. You're picturing some creepy pale guy swooping into some innocent woman's room in the middle of the night with the inability to properly use the letter 'w' and a serious neck fetish.
No. Just… no.
See, blood's just an occasional treat for me. I don't need it to live. Really, I'd much rather eat something that's not going to have the ability to kick me in the crotch or hit me with a lamp. Or do both at the same time. Not that I don’t enjoy the red stuff, but I’ll happily settle for a nice non-violent bowl of oatmeal. Well… maybe not oatmeal. Ech. Too goopy.
Yeah, OK. I guess I’d better get back to work now. There’s a pile of dirty laundry the size of Mt. Everest that’s sure as hell not going to wash itself.
By the way, anyone know what kind of laundry detergent gets out the smell of impending doom?
Poll Vote!
Character: Arnold Judas Rimmer, B.S.C.
Series: Red Dwarf
Age: Age 31 when he died. Holograms don't age physically.
Job: Esperanto Instructor
Canon: Red Dwarf is a television, and book, series about a motley crew of space losers, Dave Lister, Arnold Rimmer, The Cat, Holy, and later, Kryten and Krissy Kochanski, three million light years from Earth. They travel space, looting Space Corps derelicts and eating curry. Amongst the beings they encounter, is Ace Rimmer, another Arnold Rimmer from a parallel dimension who is everything Arnold is not: charming, handsome, and advanced in his career.
As a young adult, Arnold Rimmer joined the Space Corps, hoping to become an officer, but instead ended up as a Second Technician in charge of Z-shift, with the primary function of cleaning chicken soup machine nozzles. Disliked by almost everyone, he instead focused on his career, such as it was, which led to him sitting, and failing, the astronavigation exam on no less than thirteen occasions. A neurotic mess, according to everyone around him, he even signs all his papers with B.S.C. for Bronze Swimming Certificate.
After his crewmate, Dave Lister, ended up in suspended animation for failure to observe quarantine procedures, he, and the rest of the crew, were killed from a lethal overdose of radiation poisoning. Three million years later, Dave Lister emerged from stasis to find everybody dead. The ship's computer, Holly, brought Rimmer back as a hologram to keep Lister, the last man alive, sane. He does this by quoting Space Corps Directives, abusing his position, and by being a complete and utter smeghead.
Sample Post:
Carmita! Carmita! Captain A. J. Rimmer, Space Adventurer at your service.
Did anyone receive my proposals for revising the camp salute? This one has four twirls! Much better than the old, boring one. Quadruple the respect!
You may think me a petty-minded officer, obsessed with rules and regulations, and you're absolutely damned right. I've got officer in my blood. I'm going places.
Would it kill any of you to dress like me? A pressed uniform. A spanking short haircut. Polished boots. Plus, I've always got a pen. It's a mark of respect.
Up, up the ziggarot, lickity-split. That's where I'm going.
Just wait one smegging minute.
Where's the parade? Where's the welcome party? I travel three million light years to get back to Earth, and not so much as even a bit of confetti?
I'm being punished. That's what it is. Fail the astronavigation exams a few times, and they send you off to a smelly swamp in the middle of nowhere.
It's not my fault that I can't take tests. It's not my fault, especially that one time when I had my spasm. Everyone is against me. It's undeniable. They see me as Arnold Judas Rimmer, scum of the universe.
Instead of being an officer and a gentleman, I'm stuck here trying to teach Esperanto to a bunch of squirts. It's not easy finding a job...when you're dead, can't touch anything, and are composed entirely of light. You got take what you can get. In a past life, I was amongst the greats. Alexander the Great's chief eunuch. Now, I'm not even fit to clean chicken soup machines any longer.
Oh, well. Let's get on with it then. Some people may mock it, but Esperanto is the international language. The language of all truly successful people.
Let's start with something simple. The phrase is, "I will not attack the barrier."
" Lausajne estas rano en mia bideo!"
Wait, no. That's the one about the bidet.
Poll Vote!
Character: Madman
Series: Nightside series
Age: Educated guess? 60s or so
Job: Math tutor
Canon: In the Nightside, London's secret, seedy underground
where it's always 3am under the giant moon, you can buy anything and
everything that ever existed (and a few things that don't) for the
right price. It's usually your soul, but details. And you will find as
your companions Gods, Demons, Angels, Powers, Beings and a few
extraordinary people. Some of them are even normal.
One of the more notable denizens of the Nightside is Madman. He used
to be a genius until the equation he invented let him See the way
things really are and drove him utterly batshit, bugfuck insane. In
the crazy way. He is generally mild, distractedly pleasant and more
than a little befuddled. He spends a lot of time in his own little
world Seeing things no one else does. Distracted and not all there,
his speech tends towards random and he is the expert at the
non-sequitur comment. He'll make no sense at all one moment and so
much sense it hurts the next. He's also known for random quotes. He is
unpredictable and considered extremely dangerous because reality has a
habit of changing around him. His lucid moments, if anything, are
worse. And he has a soundtrack that always plays from out of nowhere
and reflects his moods.
Note: The apper is well aware of Madman's fantastically godmoddy
status and will gladly discuss plans to downplay it with anyone who
asks. Permission will always be asked before any changes at all occur
to characters.
Sample Post:
I think I might have been supposed to be somewhere else. I don't
remember; I rarely remember. That's good, or maybe it isn't. I think I
was about to be all stirred up or See something bad. Things change and
slip away from me then. But I'm here instead, invited. I don't
remember maths. They remember me. One plus one likes to equal five on
Sundays.
It's new here. Distracting. Distractions are good; I don't like me
when I might be bored. There are lots of stray thoughts that go in all
the wrong ways then. Unpredictable and unpleasant ways; I really
should be more careful. But the gorillas do look better in red. Purple
is the color of old, blue blood. It doesn't fit; all snags.
Nothing fits like Nightside. It's too bright here, in the wrong
ways, and the moon teeters too small in its holder. And loud. There is
howling and gnashing of teeth. That's the wrong script. You can't even
see Hell from here.
The zombies don't know any better. They press in needy and hungry and
wanting. They don't like me. My brains taste like string theory, all
convoluted and warped on itself and turned inside out. So they all
fall over and spill out with too many angles and viewpoints like a
cubist trip-tripping over the canvas. No-one likes what I See.
Merry Elizabeth quite contrary, how does your camp grow? With lost
children and slimy things and Madman to tend them like so. But my
thumbs aren't green. Green thumbs are important for growing crazy
children. But maybe if I leave them be they'll grow on their own. Like
wild oats. Except they can't sew so I have to teach them to sew.
That's my job.
Sewing is simple. In and out like X, one thing and then another,
changing through the equation. When reality becomes unbearable, change
reality. X is the way out.
After sewing there are other lessons for X. Remember to borrow zombie
fingers so you don't lose count in base 20. And never let the watchers
behind screens fool you. The answer is never 42, or falling rocks.
It's something else next time.
. . . Our song is playing. It's playing all the time now.
Mmm-mmm-mm-mmm, mm-mmm-mm-mmm I can't get no satisfaction~
Poll Vote!
Character: Bob the Angry Flower
Series: Bob the Angry Flower
Age: Unknown (Cannot be known)
Job: Happiness Monitor
Canon: Bob the Angry Flower is your typical anarchic cartoon character. Why is he a flower? How does he walk and talk? How did a man-size flower come into existence? It is a mystery. Only one thing is for sure: is he a HAPPY flower? Only occasionally.
Bob spends his spare time being a consultant to the United Nations, building newer and better armies of robots, watching tv, and acting as the occasional super-villain when the need arises. There's no set behavioral standard for Bob the Angry Flower, but one general rule applies: if it's insensitive, shocking, and provokes a 'wtf' reaction, that's Bob.
Sample Post:
Now, friends. We all know Camp Fuck You Die is only the HAPPIEST place on Earth. Don't we? Of course we do!
Oh sure, I hear you say. "But, Bob! I already do everything I can to maintain proper happiness levels! Is it my fault the tentacle monster got overly friendly/alcohol was banned/the no-sex rule wasn't lifted?" Quite frankly, yes. Those are all your fault. And more!
Fortunately, the Camp Director has discovered a cure! ENTER: Bob, the Apoplectic Flower! I've already been provided various formulas GUARANTEED to increase your happiness levels! Go from "emoninja," to "Shota-tastic," in one shot! Available in kool-aid, plasma, and/or our original signature syringe flavor! No, no need to thank me... you're all worth it.
"But, Bob!" you might happen to say. "Isn't the euphoria that comes from substance abuse just a false, manufactured happiness? Completely artificial, and satisfying to nobody?" To which I must ask... what are you, some kind of philosopher? You hiding a degree in that giant brain of yours?! Shut up and drink my goddamn happy juice! --Fortified with extra happy; clinically proven to treat all unhappiness and other unhappiness related injuries! And don't worry: any known side effects are fully recoverable sorta, and will leave no lasting effects or discontent with the current camp governing administration. Everybody wins!
Why?
Because happiness, is now-- mandatory!
Poll Vote!
Character: Ichihara Yuuko (which is an alias; real name unknown)
Series: xxxHolic
Age: unknown; looks to be around early to mid-thirties
Job: Dimensional Advisor/Shopkeeper
Canon: xxxHolic is a show about a certain Watanuki Kimihiro, who brings all the ghosts to the yard attracts spirits and other such supernatural entities. He hates being harassed by them all the time and only wishes that whatever it is that attracts them to him would disappear and he could be normal. One day, he stumbles into a mysterious shop which a woman who claims to be able to grant any wish so long as an equal payment is rendered, and his life changes. Drastically.
Ichihara Yuuko, said mysterious shopkeeper, is known under several different aliases, such as the “Time Space Witch” and the “Far Eastern Witch”. As the titles indicate, she’s a powerful sorceress with the ability to travel across time and space, but normally, she prefers to specialize in granting wishes. And exacting the proper price, which can range from locks of hair to making you her personal slave for who knows how long your soul. It all depends on the wish really. She’s sharply intelligent and knowledge, although this is used to cause Watanuki grief more often than not. Despite appearing bossy, lazy, whimsical and slightly insensitive, Yuuko has a very deep understanding of the human psyche and evidently cares for Watanuki very much in her own eccentric ways. Oh, and she also tops him. Hard.
Sample Post:
Greetings, children~
My presence was requested here by your Lady Director to address some of the issues that came when she tried to create this dimension of hers. Impressive, I must say, for an amateur dabbling in world creation, but rushed. There is much room for improvement, such as how the toucans could be put to much better traumatizing use than merely taunting the occasional camper, and I will be advising her on those matters. That wasn’t her original wish, of course, but there were complications with her other one.
On the side, I’ll be happy to offer my services to the rest of this camp. I’ve noted that the majority of you, excluding the locals, seem quite unhappy to be here, but remember: there’s no such thing as coincidence, only the inevitable. Yes, even the errant vine that tried to touch you last night in the shower, dear.
I will be keeping a shop for the duration of my stay, a shop that grants wishes. If it’s possible for the customer, I can grant any wish… for a reasonable price of course. There is only one exception, and I’m sorry to say that any wishes for transportation out of this camp and back to your world cannot be accommodated. I’m afraid your Director has gotten there first, and I have a binding contract to uphold, you understand. Besides, world travel is expensive and considering the difficulties of this case, the price would be very steep indeed. But don’t worry- your Director will be compensating for my services, and your grief, quite handsomely. Especially if my alcohol supply is banned in this place.
Should you have need of my services, you’ll be able to find my shop with no troubles. It is inevitable, after all. Ah, as was this meeting, I’m sure. You have a wish, child, and I can grant it. You may call me Yuuko, Ichihara Yuuko. And your name? Marcy-chan, is it? And what is your heart’s wish, Marcy-chan? A farther reach “all the better to molest them with” hm… Approved! We can arrange that quite nicely with a simple expansion of your lovely, bubbling lake. Now, about the price…
Hm? Yes, fetching me my wayward employee would be a suitable payment, I believe. Just try not to traumatize him too much.
Watanuki, your absence is coming straight out of your paycheck, but you knew that already. ♥
Poll Vote!