(no subject)
ARE YOU READY TO RUMBLEEEEeeeeee okay no, hi. We have 84 counselor apps. And that's before weeding! We're not done with that, obviously, but like last time, we'll be doing very light weeding. A few dups, a whole lot of double apps, and lots and lots of inbox rape mean we're in for the long haul, so get your voting caps on! Remember, a lot of time and effort went into each and every one of these apps!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed already jesus what.
Character Name: Ando Masahashi
Series: Heroes
Character Age: Mid-twenties
Job: Internet Policeman
Canon: Heroes follows the lives of ordinary people who exhibit extraordinary powers. These special people are on quests to understand themselves and their role in the world's future.
Amongst these amazing people is Ando Masahashi. Like all good superheroes, he's loyal and willing to risk his life to save others, but there's one hitch. Ando is…the sidekick. Possessing no powers of his own, he tags along with his time traveling friend, Hiro Nakamura. Where his friend obsesses over comic books and video games, Ando only has a bit of familiarity with various mainstream characters; his obsession focusing instead on women. When not working at his average company job he is surfing the internet under the alias Huggerz69; not quite understanding the line between reality and the internet, Ando seeks out the star of the pay per view adult website, lasvegasniki.com who he thinks is his friend. Over time, however, he becomes infused with sidekick zeal and tries to help as much as possible. Unfortunately his plans never really work out as expected, often landing Hiro and Ando in tight situations.
Note: Ando is native Japanese and speaks fairly fluent English. He is being taken from the end of season one.
Sample Post:
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
Are all done laughing now? Because I have broken the ice with humor I will now introduce myself. I am Ando Masahashi and according to e-mail that I received from mysterious woman named Zombieluver4u, I am now your Internet Policeman and have been offered cheap prescriptions from Mexico. I think my company in Japan will understand an extended vacation if I tell them I am finished helping to save the world and now will be able to increase my stamina 5x after I finish summer job in America.
Because I am policeman of the internet I will watch for things that policy say is not good for you. First I think I must stop you from posting your pictures on sites like 4chan. It does not show humility to show yourselves like that! What will you do if your girlfriend Mary Sue sees you? For her sake I will be diligent and monitor computers closely. And do not think you will fool me! I know all tricks to bypass company's computer security to see almost naked blonde girls! I only do this on break-time and when chief is not looking. I promise.
I know internet is a nice break from jungle outside your windows, but until you are old enough to make own decisions about what is safe to see on your computer I will have to issue warnings to bad children and then ask that you play outdoors with fire ducks that have just eaten bowls of Mystery Soup. If you have superpower of immunity to fire ducks, I will find other means of punishment until I think you are ready for internet again.
I hope you are not frightened of my toughness. I have heard that gorillas have tried to police camp before, but I think hairy beasts are not good for children and computers. Maybe my coming is like Godzilla's revenge on King Kong? Maybe if all teenagers do not abuse internet anymore mysterious woman Zombieluver4u will make a date with me?
… save the internet, save my love. This is now not only a job, but my destiny.
Poll Vote!
Character: The Tenth Doctor
Series: Doctor Who
Character Age: Over nine thousand hundred.
Job: Transition Counsellor for the Historically and Spatially Displaced
Canon: The Doctor is particularly complicated. He is alien - a Time Lord, who has spent the best part of his nine hundred and surplus years alive travelling through time with beautiful young women in his TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimension In Space). Think of that what you will. The Doctor spends most of his time meeting the most diverse and unique people (think Shakespeare one minute, Madame du Pompadour the next), going to the most interesting places the universe offers, and showing his companions the wonders of space both forward and backward in time - not, of course, without getting into trouble. This, however, is something he generally enjoys. Getting him out of trouble on regular occasions is his trusty multi-purpose sonic screwdriver, which he goes nowhere without.
He is witty, dynamic, irrepressible, eccentric, and in most cases an outright genius; at the same time he is fairly hubristic, with a large amount of emotional baggage. He is homeless, the only remaining member of his kind - he is thus rather lonely, and also has a God complex as long as your arm. He has been called the "Oncoming Storm" in the legends of his nemeses, the Daleks: he won that fight, destroying them all, but not without destroying his own people. Being responsible for that naturally led, for him, into feeling a responsibility for the surrogate race that he decided in many senses to bring under his 'protection' - humanity.
Of late, he has recently lost a companion (one Rose Tyler) in difficult circumstances, then gained another in Martha Jones, a medical student.
Sample Post:
Right. Here we go then. Glorious sunshine, eight moons, yellow skies -- wait. Teaches me to describe things with my eyes closed. Let's see. Lake, clouds, oxygenated atmosphere. Still planet Earth. Large ... summer camp.
Not the planet Aldaren in the Zorkreed System. Why go there, you might ask? I was looking for a place to relax while Martha - she's my companion - does women things like buying clothes and shoes. Aldaren's beautiful; red sands, cats the size of elephants. This place? Not it. The funny thing about that is I programmed my TARDIS to go there, which is abolutely nowhere near - give me a moment - North America. The funnier thing is that this has happened twice. First time, I didn't bother looking around - just started the engines, fired up the old temporal flux, gave a smack on the whizzybang (and yes, that is a technical term) and off I went again! But twice. Twice means I'm here for a reason.
Or it's a great big cosmic joke. Just a few days ago, somebody wrote to me to ask me to be the Counsellor for the Historically and Spatially Displaced at a little place called "Camp Fuck You Die". We had a good laugh over that one! Humans don't time travel in this century - besides, a time traveller isn't really the best person to talk to when you're terrified about jumping a few years back or forth. They'll be told it's no big deal at all, which is hardly helpful. It's difficult, though, forced time travel, since it's at the discretion of the person who moved you to put you back again.
I digress. Still, headhunted for a job? Me? I don't get mail. I couldn't take up that position - never in one place for long enough, not that it isn't appealing: "counsellor" sounds to me like you get to talk and people have to listen to you.
Anyway, it couldn't be. A summer camp holding my TARDIS? Ridiculous!
If I can't get out of here, time to go and meet the natives. Zombies? Genuine, flesheating dribbling bonecrunching swaying vacant dirty zombies? I haven't seen those for a while! Last time, I thought I was a goner until Charles Dickens saved my life. 'Course, I didn't have this face on then. A different face, bigger ears and a goofy nose - what was I talking about? Zombies -- no, really. Wait. Is that one of the men of Nil'Jahren? What humans call a 'tentacle monster', a long way from home. The women are humanoid, but the men are what might be described as octopoidal - I made that word up - it's a very happy society.
This place is amazing! You're not very talkative, though, are you? ... Unsurprising, since looking at you, you're a large, friendly-looking beetle. Trogodendron fasciculatum! Clerid beetle! … Twenty times your normal size. If I could just scan your-- ... especially large mandibles.
How fascinating.
Poll Vote!
Character: Rick O'Connell
Series: The Mummy and The Mummy Returns
Age: Mid-to-late thirties
Job: Undead Slaying Instructor
Canon: Once upon a time in ancient Egypt, a high priest was very naughty and thus turned into a cursed mummy. Fast forward to 1926: a librarian, her brother and an American accidentally wake him up and trigger a world-ending apocalypse. Oops. They do manage to defeat him, which means that when someone else resurrects the mummy again in the sequel a few years later, they are less than impressed. So they defeat him again, with the combined powers of ancient Egyptian knowledge, wisecracks, and the occasional bumbling shenanigan that works in their favour.
Rick O'Connell is the American in this equation, hired by librarian (and future wife) Evie to help them find the city of Hamunaptra. A man with no shortage of sarcastic quips for whatever situation he's in, O'Connell would rather not go poking the ancient curse-ridden tombs, but you know how things go. As such he often finds himself fighting off hordes of the undead with guns, swords, dynamite, and sometimes a cat. He's also a big fan of running the hell away when the odds aren't so good. In the end he's a brave fellow who refuses to let anyone try to destroy the world or sacrifice people, even if they ARE a 3000-year-old sacred walking corpse. That just makes it a bit harder.
Sample Post:
Okay, am I here yet? I'd better be, because if I'm not I might just have to hike back through the swamp to beat the guy selling the maps. I'm sure he's a responsible business man but any map that tells me to turn right at the volcano, then follows that up with "No, your other right" isn't reassuring. So, let's see… some cabins and swampland sounds right. Not too sure the gorillas replacing that sign are, though. What the hell does it say… if that big one would just move a bit then I could-- oh, wait.
"Ye Old Campe Fuckery: Undergoing renovations in 2007 for a new generation of the damned, the lost, and the terminally emo." I'll take that as a yes, then.
Since this is the place, that'd make me your undead slaying instructor. Now I don't know where this Director lady got the idea that I'm any good at that, because anyone with half a brain knows that the undead are pretty good at not dying. But when someone kidnaps you from your home and dumps you at the edge of a swamp, well, you pay attention. Especially when a bunch of little dead guys start singing "Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to hell you go" at you. Which means I'm gonna at least give this a shot, so pay attention and you might learn something. And even if you don't, well, pay attention anyway. I'm serious. You can tell I'm serious because I lost one of my boots back in the swamps and kept on marching, boot-less, and even kicked one've those singing guys in the face with my bare foot. And he was pretty dopey. If that doesn't say serious, I don't know what does.
So over here we've got some dead guys. Not the kind of dead guys I'm used to, but that doesn't matter much. They're still juicy and falling to bits, just don't have any bandages keeping them together or… covering anything. I really did not need to know that they have three extra cheeks. Now, what you have to do with these is kill them. Crazy, I know, but work with me here. You can hack 'em to bits except that doesn't really stop those bits moving. Like that hand over there, giving me the finger, or those intestines tying themselves into a pretty bow.
Best thing to do? Shoot them in the face. And if that doesn't work… shoot them in the face again. They're probably still crawling around on the floor trying to rip your toenails off, but the shooting will continue until morale improves. Try to hit them in the mouth too; I can see some of 'em starting to chant and believe me, chanting isn't a good thing. Even if they are chanting "The baby is okay". So just stomp on all those pieces, because I can see them all crawling together into something else, and it could be pretty bad or it could end up as--
A giant zombie baby.
O…kay then. This might be a problem. Forget the guns, we'll need something bigger for this. I need you kids to find some dynamite, an Egyptologist, ancient giant-monster-killing trinkets, and a knife. I know some of that stuff isn't easy to find, but don't worry.
I can do it without the knife.
Poll Vote!
Name: Fujiwara no Sai
Age: Estimated at early to mid-twenties before his death.
Series: Hikaru no Go.
Occupation: Dedicated Go Advisor~!
Canon: Once upon a time in the Heian era of Japan, where it was seen as cultured for grown men to dress effeminately and cry woefully into their sleeves like little girls, a renowned teacher and player of Go, Fujiwara no Sai, decided to jump into a river and end his life after losing a game in which he had been shamed before the Emporer, his prime student, and thus lost everything. Boo. A small thing like suicide could never stop Sai from achieving the goal of his life, however. Even in death, Sai was too determined to achieve his dream of the Hand of God to move beyond the mortal realm, choosing instead to become an earth-bound spirit that would eventually find its way to playing Go through first a prodigy named Hon'inbo Shusaku, then later Shindou Hikaru. The rest is Go spoiler history.
Highlight for spoilers: Hikaru soon became so intent on playing his own Go that the games Sai had previously been allowed to direct became non-existant. Sai was upset over Hikaru's refusal to let him play, and with good reason -- more and more, Sai was feeling that God was tired of his selfish desire stay on this earth to play Go, and would soon be pulling him into the true afterlife, Hand of God be damned. Hikaru and Sai continued to be selfish "meanies" at each other until Sai realized the ultimate reason why he had been allowed to stay: he was there to teach Hikaru, and Hikaru was there to succeed where Sai never could. Purpose complete, he disappeared from Hikaru's side without a trace... and thus traumatizing the boy, ergo Sai kind of fails for thinking that was the appropriate teacher response.
Sai has a temper, whines, cries, and reacts with disparingly good cheer whenever he bothers someone into letting him have his way, but the man truly ♥ Go. Sure, everyone in HnG sports a giant boner ♥ for Go, but Sai was the original ♥ ♥ ♥ Must Share Go With The World It Will Fuel Our Hearts ♥ ♥ ♥ king. So for him, after turning Hikaru into a veritable game gate-crasher, a chance to make the Go world hear the true him one last time is all he needs... and perhaps to move beyond the Hand of God, as Sai wants nothing more than to share his love for Go through his students again.
Sample Post:
The afterlife... is it really supposed to be so muddy and decrepit? Which is to say, God, that I do not wish to seem ungrateful - because I am very thankful that I may again have a chance to play Go! With all my heart! But I would still very, very much like to know just where in the afterlife the gods have seen fit to place me. I really never did picture the afterlife to be so desolate, and with not a single Go salon in sight. Nor a Go institute, nor any clubs, nor any interested players... no, no, this does not bode well at all. I surely can't have just been dropped into... never, never. I'm being silly! Go could never belong down there, so surely not~ ♥
Though I do worry that I will be punished for my selfish deeds. I know that I was being a wretched teacher, I've realized that now. How much I inadvertantly tried to keep Hikaru from growing his own Go, and failed to keep his best interests at heart... oooh, but he just could not understand how much I needed to play! It felt so terrible to be separated from what I loved. Sniff. It left me heartbroken and tortured with an afterlife crisis, which was beyond unfair. Existence has just conspired against my play so thoroughly that whenever there is a single hope, I cannot help but tenaciously hold on to the chance to -
I said "hope," fellow departed being, not - no, I am quite sure I do not know what a pope has to do - I will thank you to leave my sensible fashion out of this!
... ah, what I mean, dear Heaven above, is that I have learned my place and am more than willing to do what is needed of my abilities this time, if this is still not the afterlife. Though foresight would have saved us all a bit of heartache the last time, really. Poor young Hikaru... Just let me find a way to play my Go to my heart's content, as well as teach whatever lesson must be exacted on yet another generation of players, if that is what I must do here! I will prove that I have been humbled and give myself a - a twenty stone handicap in each game that I play~! Constant daring turnabouts! And I shall serve even the crude fellow spirits that surround me in this dreary place, or the beasts that I... already hear howling in the woods, oh my. At least I no longer have a body for them to harm, if that is possible?
But let the students come! Bring me the ruffians, the delinquent, the uncivil, and whomever else that could be infinitely worse than dear Hikaru. My Go will not fail to serve them and give these children their own purpose in life, as it has done for myself - did for myself, whatever God chooses. I will take things slow! No more rushing them into tournaments and matches they are not ready for. It will be... age-appropriate, if I am using the term right. ♥ See? Like this!
I would teach them in this swamp,
I would teach them by that lake.
I would teach them in those cabins,
I would teach them in the trees, I would teach them anywhere as long as Go is involved, oh higher deities, please.
... and if the Go stones and goban were kept from harm around this dirty place as well, because really. Some things will always be sacred.
Poll Vote!
Character: Captain Jack Sparrow
Series: Pirates of the Caribbean movie series and franchise
Character Age: uncertain, appears to be just this side of middle-aged
Job: Dietary Supplement to Eldritch Cephapodical Creatures (read: Marcy Food)
Canon: Captain Jack Sparrow is a clever, dashing rogue, or so he would like you to think. Or perhaps he'd just like you to think he'd like you to think so, or even think he hunk you thought he'd want you to think so. He's tricky like that. He is described by his creators as just another incarnation of the Trickster, in the fine tradition of Loki, Kokopelli or Bugs Bunny. Betrayal, sunstroke, and an extended stay in a custom-made Hell have all left him a little less sane than one would ideally like, but he manages to make it work. It's hard to tell what, exactly, Captain (as he insists on being referred to under all circumstances) Jack Sparrow's real goals are at any given moment. Occasionally, it's hard to tell if Jack knows what his goals are at
any given moment.
Jack is selfish. He's a bit of a coward, a complete whore and a either a drunkard or very good at faking it. He'll sell out a friend at a moment's notice to save his own skin, and still willing to kill an enemy, even if said enemy has just saved his life. However, when push comes to shove, there's no one you'd rather have sort-of probably most-likely on your side than Captain Jack Sparrow. Not just because of his deus-ex-machina power of ridiculous good luck (though they help) but because deep down, despite his best efforts, he is, in fact, a Good Man. Or so the movies would like you to think.
Sample Post:
Alright, sproglets, gather round. It's story time from ol' uncle Jackie. Now, you may be querying of your persons, "My, how did such a fearsome and dashing scallywag come to bless our humble and very exceedingly, decisively, soul-crushingly land-locked hamlet with his stunning visage?" or -- and this seems altogether more likely -- you are asking yourselves, "braaaaaaaaaains?" The latter I'm afraid I can be to of no help to you with, though I do wish you the best of luck, as it is an all-too-familiar scenario and one I do understand the gravity of. The former, as you shall see, is quite an interesting tale.
It all began when me crew and I were stranded on the Isla del Paraguas... the dreaded three-eyed cyclops women were closing in on all sides. There was but one row-boat for the eight of us, not a chance in Hades' dark abyss we would all fit. I looked over the other nine men, and thought to meself, "Jackie, lad, these are the ties that time men's souls. You know what you have to do." So, I chose me five best swordsmen and had the other six take to that boat and row as fast as they could. But little did I know, the cyclops women's vicious pet roamed those
waters. I lost four of me best men to its terrible teeth and disproportionately large-
Hoho, feeling a bit frisky, are we? My dearest madame, much as I appreciate -- and trust me I do -- the undeniable raw animal magnetism and pulchritudinous allure of El Capitan del los Jack Sparrow, I'm afraid I will have to put a cessation on your paramourous advances. Please don't misunderstand, madame, Captain Jack Sparrow is not one to deny a fine woman her pleasure -- particularly if that pleasure happens to be Captain Jack Sparrow -- simply because of some unfortunate buggy she happens to be carrying around her nethers. Jack Sparrow fears no infection! However, in case where it is clear that- ow ow! Madame, I must insist! Please. If you would allow me to continue, I'm sure you would find that infinitely preferable to me cranium, delightful a cranium as it might be.
Yes, thank you. Now, where were we? Ah yes, Isla del Emparedado, Captain Hampton and his crew of disgruntled tiny-folk closing in. That cowardly, scummy-faced, boy-lovin' son of a cuttlefish's hindside of me first mate had made off alone in our only boat and means of escape. I thought to meself, "Jackie, lad, this ain't the time to be-"
Madame! What did I just say about chewing on me head, eh? I just said do not- Aye! Aye! Not you too now. Doesn't anyone want to hear the story or are you all just going to- hey now, hey now! Fine! I see how it is! Never let it be said that Captain Jack Sparrow doesn't know when an unruly mob intends to kill and eat him!
Well bully to the whole lot of you! I away with me! I'm afraid you will have to remember this as the day you almost feasted on the brains of Captain Jack Sparraaaaaaauuuuuuuggggggh!!!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Hector Barbossa
Series: Pirates of the Caribbean
Age: Fiftysomething (by appearances, at least -- who's to say what ten years of forced zombiefication does to one's complexion?)
Job: Chief Overseer Of Weddings, The Undead, And All Things Directly Related To The Aforementioned Phenomena; Stand-In Keeper Of The Pirata Codex In The Absence of Keith Richards (Or Any Other Higher Authority); And Last, But By No Means Least, Talk Like A Pirate Day Coordinator.
Canon: Captain Barbossa is a man who has clearly gone to great lengths to be the very picture of a pirate, complete with a really big hat and an undead monkey (a holdover from that one time he was a zombie. It's all right, he got better). He possesses a flair for the dramatic, a love of elaborate and highly ironic deaths that can rival any Bond villain, and an inclination toward eloquent, long-winded, poetically cadenced monologues. Though he's not above committing mutiny nor shooting his own crewmen to test a theory, he does seem to have a code of honor he upholds -- or at least tries to give the impression of upholding long enough for people to think him a charming gentleman rogue. After all, it's far more satisfying to catch someone off-guard with a scathing mockery of their own words when they thought you to be on their side a moment before.
Ten years of being cursed and an indeterminate time spent being dead have left Barbossa hell-bent on taking his newly-restored life into his own hands. This wouldn't be nearly so notable if it didn't largely seem to involve sailing ships over the edge of the world while cackling, grand and convoluted schemes to steal nigh-indecipherable charts from the Pirate Lord of Singapore, and tying an all-powerful sea goddess to the mast of his ship before asking her favor. Still, even the maddest of plans can work in the hands of somone capable enough to see them through. When all's said and done, he may not be a good man, and he may not be a sane man, but if you need someone to perform an impromptu wedding while simultaneously swordfighting eel people and captaining a ship in the midst of an epic sea battle in a maelstrom... Barbossa is just the man for the job.
Sample Entry:
Aye, it be exploits such as these that get a man made Pirate Lord of a landlocked sea.
'Twas no small feat of nautical proficiency, maneuverin' a vessel the size of the Pearl into waters this perilous and shallow, filled with all manner of eldritch beasts and weather of a most bizarre nature... but it's immortality I've come seekin' and it's immortality the lot of us've been granted. At the temporary cost of all our freedom, to be sure, but there's not a prison in this or any world as can't be bested by those with the mettle to see a plan through and the ingenuity to think of such a plan in the first place.
And the first man who sees fit to mention the failed boat-tipping'll be tossed overboard to be a meal for the beast what dwells in this lake. Seems there are times when a barrel roll is not, in fact, the best of choices.
But enough o' that! We may be temporally and geographically displaced, but don't think for a moment that means things'll be changin'. Quite the opposite, in fact -- in a place such as this, it's more important than ever to keep to tradition. That said, however, as the most knowledgeable among those here in matters regardin' the Pirate Code, I've taken the liberty of makin' a few... temporary amendments to allow for the peculiarities of our current location. The most notable of these amendments bein':
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed already jesus what.
Character Name: Ando Masahashi
Series: Heroes
Character Age: Mid-twenties
Job: Internet Policeman
Canon: Heroes follows the lives of ordinary people who exhibit extraordinary powers. These special people are on quests to understand themselves and their role in the world's future.
Amongst these amazing people is Ando Masahashi. Like all good superheroes, he's loyal and willing to risk his life to save others, but there's one hitch. Ando is…the sidekick. Possessing no powers of his own, he tags along with his time traveling friend, Hiro Nakamura. Where his friend obsesses over comic books and video games, Ando only has a bit of familiarity with various mainstream characters; his obsession focusing instead on women. When not working at his average company job he is surfing the internet under the alias Huggerz69; not quite understanding the line between reality and the internet, Ando seeks out the star of the pay per view adult website, lasvegasniki.com who he thinks is his friend. Over time, however, he becomes infused with sidekick zeal and tries to help as much as possible. Unfortunately his plans never really work out as expected, often landing Hiro and Ando in tight situations.
Note: Ando is native Japanese and speaks fairly fluent English. He is being taken from the end of season one.
Sample Post:
Two men walk into a bar. The third one ducked.
Are all done laughing now? Because I have broken the ice with humor I will now introduce myself. I am Ando Masahashi and according to e-mail that I received from mysterious woman named Zombieluver4u, I am now your Internet Policeman and have been offered cheap prescriptions from Mexico. I think my company in Japan will understand an extended vacation if I tell them I am finished helping to save the world and now will be able to increase my stamina 5x after I finish summer job in America.
Because I am policeman of the internet I will watch for things that policy say is not good for you. First I think I must stop you from posting your pictures on sites like 4chan. It does not show humility to show yourselves like that! What will you do if your girlfriend Mary Sue sees you? For her sake I will be diligent and monitor computers closely. And do not think you will fool me! I know all tricks to bypass company's computer security to see almost naked blonde girls! I only do this on break-time and when chief is not looking. I promise.
I know internet is a nice break from jungle outside your windows, but until you are old enough to make own decisions about what is safe to see on your computer I will have to issue warnings to bad children and then ask that you play outdoors with fire ducks that have just eaten bowls of Mystery Soup. If you have superpower of immunity to fire ducks, I will find other means of punishment until I think you are ready for internet again.
I hope you are not frightened of my toughness. I have heard that gorillas have tried to police camp before, but I think hairy beasts are not good for children and computers. Maybe my coming is like Godzilla's revenge on King Kong? Maybe if all teenagers do not abuse internet anymore mysterious woman Zombieluver4u will make a date with me?
… save the internet, save my love. This is now not only a job, but my destiny.
Poll Vote!
Character: The Tenth Doctor
Series: Doctor Who
Character Age: Over nine thousand hundred.
Job: Transition Counsellor for the Historically and Spatially Displaced
Canon: The Doctor is particularly complicated. He is alien - a Time Lord, who has spent the best part of his nine hundred and surplus years alive travelling through time with beautiful young women in his TARDIS (Time And Relative Dimension In Space). Think of that what you will. The Doctor spends most of his time meeting the most diverse and unique people (think Shakespeare one minute, Madame du Pompadour the next), going to the most interesting places the universe offers, and showing his companions the wonders of space both forward and backward in time - not, of course, without getting into trouble. This, however, is something he generally enjoys. Getting him out of trouble on regular occasions is his trusty multi-purpose sonic screwdriver, which he goes nowhere without.
He is witty, dynamic, irrepressible, eccentric, and in most cases an outright genius; at the same time he is fairly hubristic, with a large amount of emotional baggage. He is homeless, the only remaining member of his kind - he is thus rather lonely, and also has a God complex as long as your arm. He has been called the "Oncoming Storm" in the legends of his nemeses, the Daleks: he won that fight, destroying them all, but not without destroying his own people. Being responsible for that naturally led, for him, into feeling a responsibility for the surrogate race that he decided in many senses to bring under his 'protection' - humanity.
Of late, he has recently lost a companion (one Rose Tyler) in difficult circumstances, then gained another in Martha Jones, a medical student.
Sample Post:
Right. Here we go then. Glorious sunshine, eight moons, yellow skies -- wait. Teaches me to describe things with my eyes closed. Let's see. Lake, clouds, oxygenated atmosphere. Still planet Earth. Large ... summer camp.
Not the planet Aldaren in the Zorkreed System. Why go there, you might ask? I was looking for a place to relax while Martha - she's my companion - does women things like buying clothes and shoes. Aldaren's beautiful; red sands, cats the size of elephants. This place? Not it. The funny thing about that is I programmed my TARDIS to go there, which is abolutely nowhere near - give me a moment - North America. The funnier thing is that this has happened twice. First time, I didn't bother looking around - just started the engines, fired up the old temporal flux, gave a smack on the whizzybang (and yes, that is a technical term) and off I went again! But twice. Twice means I'm here for a reason.
Or it's a great big cosmic joke. Just a few days ago, somebody wrote to me to ask me to be the Counsellor for the Historically and Spatially Displaced at a little place called "Camp Fuck You Die". We had a good laugh over that one! Humans don't time travel in this century - besides, a time traveller isn't really the best person to talk to when you're terrified about jumping a few years back or forth. They'll be told it's no big deal at all, which is hardly helpful. It's difficult, though, forced time travel, since it's at the discretion of the person who moved you to put you back again.
I digress. Still, headhunted for a job? Me? I don't get mail. I couldn't take up that position - never in one place for long enough, not that it isn't appealing: "counsellor" sounds to me like you get to talk and people have to listen to you.
Anyway, it couldn't be. A summer camp holding my TARDIS? Ridiculous!
If I can't get out of here, time to go and meet the natives. Zombies? Genuine, flesheating dribbling bonecrunching swaying vacant dirty zombies? I haven't seen those for a while! Last time, I thought I was a goner until Charles Dickens saved my life. 'Course, I didn't have this face on then. A different face, bigger ears and a goofy nose - what was I talking about? Zombies -- no, really. Wait. Is that one of the men of Nil'Jahren? What humans call a 'tentacle monster', a long way from home. The women are humanoid, but the men are what might be described as octopoidal - I made that word up - it's a very happy society.
This place is amazing! You're not very talkative, though, are you? ... Unsurprising, since looking at you, you're a large, friendly-looking beetle. Trogodendron fasciculatum! Clerid beetle! … Twenty times your normal size. If I could just scan your-- ... especially large mandibles.
How fascinating.
Poll Vote!
Character: Rick O'Connell
Series: The Mummy and The Mummy Returns
Age: Mid-to-late thirties
Job: Undead Slaying Instructor
Canon: Once upon a time in ancient Egypt, a high priest was very naughty and thus turned into a cursed mummy. Fast forward to 1926: a librarian, her brother and an American accidentally wake him up and trigger a world-ending apocalypse. Oops. They do manage to defeat him, which means that when someone else resurrects the mummy again in the sequel a few years later, they are less than impressed. So they defeat him again, with the combined powers of ancient Egyptian knowledge, wisecracks, and the occasional bumbling shenanigan that works in their favour.
Rick O'Connell is the American in this equation, hired by librarian (and future wife) Evie to help them find the city of Hamunaptra. A man with no shortage of sarcastic quips for whatever situation he's in, O'Connell would rather not go poking the ancient curse-ridden tombs, but you know how things go. As such he often finds himself fighting off hordes of the undead with guns, swords, dynamite, and sometimes a cat. He's also a big fan of running the hell away when the odds aren't so good. In the end he's a brave fellow who refuses to let anyone try to destroy the world or sacrifice people, even if they ARE a 3000-year-old sacred walking corpse. That just makes it a bit harder.
Sample Post:
Okay, am I here yet? I'd better be, because if I'm not I might just have to hike back through the swamp to beat the guy selling the maps. I'm sure he's a responsible business man but any map that tells me to turn right at the volcano, then follows that up with "No, your other right" isn't reassuring. So, let's see… some cabins and swampland sounds right. Not too sure the gorillas replacing that sign are, though. What the hell does it say… if that big one would just move a bit then I could-- oh, wait.
"Ye Old Campe Fuckery: Undergoing renovations in 2007 for a new generation of the damned, the lost, and the terminally emo." I'll take that as a yes, then.
Since this is the place, that'd make me your undead slaying instructor. Now I don't know where this Director lady got the idea that I'm any good at that, because anyone with half a brain knows that the undead are pretty good at not dying. But when someone kidnaps you from your home and dumps you at the edge of a swamp, well, you pay attention. Especially when a bunch of little dead guys start singing "Hi-ho, hi-ho, it's off to hell you go" at you. Which means I'm gonna at least give this a shot, so pay attention and you might learn something. And even if you don't, well, pay attention anyway. I'm serious. You can tell I'm serious because I lost one of my boots back in the swamps and kept on marching, boot-less, and even kicked one've those singing guys in the face with my bare foot. And he was pretty dopey. If that doesn't say serious, I don't know what does.
So over here we've got some dead guys. Not the kind of dead guys I'm used to, but that doesn't matter much. They're still juicy and falling to bits, just don't have any bandages keeping them together or… covering anything. I really did not need to know that they have three extra cheeks. Now, what you have to do with these is kill them. Crazy, I know, but work with me here. You can hack 'em to bits except that doesn't really stop those bits moving. Like that hand over there, giving me the finger, or those intestines tying themselves into a pretty bow.
Best thing to do? Shoot them in the face. And if that doesn't work… shoot them in the face again. They're probably still crawling around on the floor trying to rip your toenails off, but the shooting will continue until morale improves. Try to hit them in the mouth too; I can see some of 'em starting to chant and believe me, chanting isn't a good thing. Even if they are chanting "The baby is okay". So just stomp on all those pieces, because I can see them all crawling together into something else, and it could be pretty bad or it could end up as--
A giant zombie baby.
O…kay then. This might be a problem. Forget the guns, we'll need something bigger for this. I need you kids to find some dynamite, an Egyptologist, ancient giant-monster-killing trinkets, and a knife. I know some of that stuff isn't easy to find, but don't worry.
I can do it without the knife.
Poll Vote!
Name: Fujiwara no Sai
Age: Estimated at early to mid-twenties before his death.
Series: Hikaru no Go.
Occupation: Dedicated Go Advisor~!
Canon: Once upon a time in the Heian era of Japan, where it was seen as cultured for grown men to dress effeminately and cry woefully into their sleeves like little girls, a renowned teacher and player of Go, Fujiwara no Sai, decided to jump into a river and end his life after losing a game in which he had been shamed before the Emporer, his prime student, and thus lost everything. Boo. A small thing like suicide could never stop Sai from achieving the goal of his life, however. Even in death, Sai was too determined to achieve his dream of the Hand of God to move beyond the mortal realm, choosing instead to become an earth-bound spirit that would eventually find its way to playing Go through first a prodigy named Hon'inbo Shusaku, then later Shindou Hikaru. The rest is Go spoiler history.
Highlight for spoilers: Hikaru soon became so intent on playing his own Go that the games Sai had previously been allowed to direct became non-existant. Sai was upset over Hikaru's refusal to let him play, and with good reason -- more and more, Sai was feeling that God was tired of his selfish desire stay on this earth to play Go, and would soon be pulling him into the true afterlife, Hand of God be damned. Hikaru and Sai continued to be selfish "meanies" at each other until Sai realized the ultimate reason why he had been allowed to stay: he was there to teach Hikaru, and Hikaru was there to succeed where Sai never could. Purpose complete, he disappeared from Hikaru's side without a trace... and thus traumatizing the boy, ergo Sai kind of fails for thinking that was the appropriate teacher response.
Sai has a temper, whines, cries, and reacts with disparingly good cheer whenever he bothers someone into letting him have his way, but the man truly ♥ Go. Sure, everyone in HnG sports a giant boner ♥ for Go, but Sai was the original ♥ ♥ ♥ Must Share Go With The World It Will Fuel Our Hearts ♥ ♥ ♥ king. So for him, after turning Hikaru into a veritable game gate-crasher, a chance to make the Go world hear the true him one last time is all he needs... and perhaps to move beyond the Hand of God, as Sai wants nothing more than to share his love for Go through his students again.
Sample Post:
The afterlife... is it really supposed to be so muddy and decrepit? Which is to say, God, that I do not wish to seem ungrateful - because I am very thankful that I may again have a chance to play Go! With all my heart! But I would still very, very much like to know just where in the afterlife the gods have seen fit to place me. I really never did picture the afterlife to be so desolate, and with not a single Go salon in sight. Nor a Go institute, nor any clubs, nor any interested players... no, no, this does not bode well at all. I surely can't have just been dropped into... never, never. I'm being silly! Go could never belong down there, so surely not~ ♥
Though I do worry that I will be punished for my selfish deeds. I know that I was being a wretched teacher, I've realized that now. How much I inadvertantly tried to keep Hikaru from growing his own Go, and failed to keep his best interests at heart... oooh, but he just could not understand how much I needed to play! It felt so terrible to be separated from what I loved. Sniff. It left me heartbroken and tortured with an afterlife crisis, which was beyond unfair. Existence has just conspired against my play so thoroughly that whenever there is a single hope, I cannot help but tenaciously hold on to the chance to -
I said "hope," fellow departed being, not - no, I am quite sure I do not know what a pope has to do - I will thank you to leave my sensible fashion out of this!
... ah, what I mean, dear Heaven above, is that I have learned my place and am more than willing to do what is needed of my abilities this time, if this is still not the afterlife. Though foresight would have saved us all a bit of heartache the last time, really. Poor young Hikaru... Just let me find a way to play my Go to my heart's content, as well as teach whatever lesson must be exacted on yet another generation of players, if that is what I must do here! I will prove that I have been humbled and give myself a - a twenty stone handicap in each game that I play~! Constant daring turnabouts! And I shall serve even the crude fellow spirits that surround me in this dreary place, or the beasts that I... already hear howling in the woods, oh my. At least I no longer have a body for them to harm, if that is possible?
But let the students come! Bring me the ruffians, the delinquent, the uncivil, and whomever else that could be infinitely worse than dear Hikaru. My Go will not fail to serve them and give these children their own purpose in life, as it has done for myself - did for myself, whatever God chooses. I will take things slow! No more rushing them into tournaments and matches they are not ready for. It will be... age-appropriate, if I am using the term right. ♥ See? Like this!
I would teach them in this swamp,
I would teach them by that lake.
I would teach them in those cabins,
I would teach them in the trees, I would teach them anywhere as long as Go is involved, oh higher deities, please.
... and if the Go stones and goban were kept from harm around this dirty place as well, because really. Some things will always be sacred.
Poll Vote!
Character: Captain Jack Sparrow
Series: Pirates of the Caribbean movie series and franchise
Character Age: uncertain, appears to be just this side of middle-aged
Job: Dietary Supplement to Eldritch Cephapodical Creatures (read: Marcy Food)
Canon: Captain Jack Sparrow is a clever, dashing rogue, or so he would like you to think. Or perhaps he'd just like you to think he'd like you to think so, or even think he hunk you thought he'd want you to think so. He's tricky like that. He is described by his creators as just another incarnation of the Trickster, in the fine tradition of Loki, Kokopelli or Bugs Bunny. Betrayal, sunstroke, and an extended stay in a custom-made Hell have all left him a little less sane than one would ideally like, but he manages to make it work. It's hard to tell what, exactly, Captain (as he insists on being referred to under all circumstances) Jack Sparrow's real goals are at any given moment. Occasionally, it's hard to tell if Jack knows what his goals are at
any given moment.
Jack is selfish. He's a bit of a coward, a complete whore and a either a drunkard or very good at faking it. He'll sell out a friend at a moment's notice to save his own skin, and still willing to kill an enemy, even if said enemy has just saved his life. However, when push comes to shove, there's no one you'd rather have sort-of probably most-likely on your side than Captain Jack Sparrow. Not just because of his deus-ex-machina power of ridiculous good luck (though they help) but because deep down, despite his best efforts, he is, in fact, a Good Man. Or so the movies would like you to think.
Sample Post:
Alright, sproglets, gather round. It's story time from ol' uncle Jackie. Now, you may be querying of your persons, "My, how did such a fearsome and dashing scallywag come to bless our humble and very exceedingly, decisively, soul-crushingly land-locked hamlet with his stunning visage?" or -- and this seems altogether more likely -- you are asking yourselves, "braaaaaaaaaains?" The latter I'm afraid I can be to of no help to you with, though I do wish you the best of luck, as it is an all-too-familiar scenario and one I do understand the gravity of. The former, as you shall see, is quite an interesting tale.
It all began when me crew and I were stranded on the Isla del Paraguas... the dreaded three-eyed cyclops women were closing in on all sides. There was but one row-boat for the eight of us, not a chance in Hades' dark abyss we would all fit. I looked over the other nine men, and thought to meself, "Jackie, lad, these are the ties that time men's souls. You know what you have to do." So, I chose me five best swordsmen and had the other six take to that boat and row as fast as they could. But little did I know, the cyclops women's vicious pet roamed those
waters. I lost four of me best men to its terrible teeth and disproportionately large-
Hoho, feeling a bit frisky, are we? My dearest madame, much as I appreciate -- and trust me I do -- the undeniable raw animal magnetism and pulchritudinous allure of El Capitan del los Jack Sparrow, I'm afraid I will have to put a cessation on your paramourous advances. Please don't misunderstand, madame, Captain Jack Sparrow is not one to deny a fine woman her pleasure -- particularly if that pleasure happens to be Captain Jack Sparrow -- simply because of some unfortunate buggy she happens to be carrying around her nethers. Jack Sparrow fears no infection! However, in case where it is clear that- ow ow! Madame, I must insist! Please. If you would allow me to continue, I'm sure you would find that infinitely preferable to me cranium, delightful a cranium as it might be.
Yes, thank you. Now, where were we? Ah yes, Isla del Emparedado, Captain Hampton and his crew of disgruntled tiny-folk closing in. That cowardly, scummy-faced, boy-lovin' son of a cuttlefish's hindside of me first mate had made off alone in our only boat and means of escape. I thought to meself, "Jackie, lad, this ain't the time to be-"
Madame! What did I just say about chewing on me head, eh? I just said do not- Aye! Aye! Not you too now. Doesn't anyone want to hear the story or are you all just going to- hey now, hey now! Fine! I see how it is! Never let it be said that Captain Jack Sparrow doesn't know when an unruly mob intends to kill and eat him!
Well bully to the whole lot of you! I away with me! I'm afraid you will have to remember this as the day you almost feasted on the brains of Captain Jack Sparraaaaaaauuuuuuuggggggh!!!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Hector Barbossa
Series: Pirates of the Caribbean
Age: Fiftysomething (by appearances, at least -- who's to say what ten years of forced zombiefication does to one's complexion?)
Job: Chief Overseer Of Weddings, The Undead, And All Things Directly Related To The Aforementioned Phenomena; Stand-In Keeper Of The Pirata Codex In The Absence of Keith Richards (Or Any Other Higher Authority); And Last, But By No Means Least, Talk Like A Pirate Day Coordinator.
Canon: Captain Barbossa is a man who has clearly gone to great lengths to be the very picture of a pirate, complete with a really big hat and an undead monkey (a holdover from that one time he was a zombie. It's all right, he got better). He possesses a flair for the dramatic, a love of elaborate and highly ironic deaths that can rival any Bond villain, and an inclination toward eloquent, long-winded, poetically cadenced monologues. Though he's not above committing mutiny nor shooting his own crewmen to test a theory, he does seem to have a code of honor he upholds -- or at least tries to give the impression of upholding long enough for people to think him a charming gentleman rogue. After all, it's far more satisfying to catch someone off-guard with a scathing mockery of their own words when they thought you to be on their side a moment before.
Ten years of being cursed and an indeterminate time spent being dead have left Barbossa hell-bent on taking his newly-restored life into his own hands. This wouldn't be nearly so notable if it didn't largely seem to involve sailing ships over the edge of the world while cackling, grand and convoluted schemes to steal nigh-indecipherable charts from the Pirate Lord of Singapore, and tying an all-powerful sea goddess to the mast of his ship before asking her favor. Still, even the maddest of plans can work in the hands of somone capable enough to see them through. When all's said and done, he may not be a good man, and he may not be a sane man, but if you need someone to perform an impromptu wedding while simultaneously swordfighting eel people and captaining a ship in the midst of an epic sea battle in a maelstrom... Barbossa is just the man for the job.
Sample Entry:
Aye, it be exploits such as these that get a man made Pirate Lord of a landlocked sea.
'Twas no small feat of nautical proficiency, maneuverin' a vessel the size of the Pearl into waters this perilous and shallow, filled with all manner of eldritch beasts and weather of a most bizarre nature... but it's immortality I've come seekin' and it's immortality the lot of us've been granted. At the temporary cost of all our freedom, to be sure, but there's not a prison in this or any world as can't be bested by those with the mettle to see a plan through and the ingenuity to think of such a plan in the first place.
And the first man who sees fit to mention the failed boat-tipping'll be tossed overboard to be a meal for the beast what dwells in this lake. Seems there are times when a barrel roll is not, in fact, the best of choices.
But enough o' that! We may be temporally and geographically displaced, but don't think for a moment that means things'll be changin'. Quite the opposite, in fact -- in a place such as this, it's more important than ever to keep to tradition. That said, however, as the most knowledgeable among those here in matters regardin' the Pirate Code, I've taken the liberty of makin' a few... temporary amendments to allow for the peculiarities of our current location. The most notable of these amendments bein':
- Amendment I: As new recruits, each among you will be recievin' equal shares of all plunder taken, as well as rations of artificially sweetened grog substitute.
- Amendment II: Any man desertin' the crew or bein' found guilty of cowardice in the face of battle shall be marooned as far from the camp as is possible, left with naught but a pistol and a bowl o' Tuesday's Mystery Soup.
- Amendment III: Each man has an equal vote in affairs of the ship, save for what men have intimate knowledge of sailin' a vessel out of a landlocked body of water, whose vote trumps all others by virtue of bein' the most pertinent at the present time.
- Amendment IV:. Any two men among among the crew with a quarrel between them shall be put ashore by the mess hall and made to settle their differences on their own, whether by pistol, sword, or that sport what the natives refer to as "Jello wrestlin'."
- Addendum to Amendment IV (The Sparrow Clause): In matters where the rightful owner of the title of captain be at stake, however, the aforementioned rule does not apply... particularly the bit about the Jello.
- Amendment V:. He who has the misfortune to lose a limb while answerin' the call of duty would, under normal circumstances, recieve 800 pieces o' eight in recompense. However, what with the risin' cost of trainin' new crewmen an' the presence of alternative methods of rightin' such a wrong, he who loses a limb in the service of this ship will be repaid with a well-placed pistol shot free of charge, and the privilege of bein' revived by our very own shipboard Moogle.
Poll Vote!