(no subject)
BY POPULAR DEMAND, we have more apps. YOU GUYS CAN BE AS RAPED AS WE ARE. \o/
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. App raep + holy shit I have to post another batch in two hours = speed voting and we look good here, so! Closed~
Character: Yozak Gurrier
Series: Kyou Kara Maou
Age: Unknown, likely around 100 (appears to be in his mid to late twenties)
Job: Instructor in the Proper Method of Infiltration and How Not To Be Seen
Canon: Kyou Kara Maou is the story of a young man who tries to Do the Right Thing and is flushed down the toilet for his troubles. He ends up in another world, where he promptly finds out that he is the new Maou and manages to accidentally engage himself to another man. What follows are many and varied adventures where the young man proves himself to be a real king, saves the kingdom, brings peace throughout the land, and introduces baseball to his subjects.
Yozak Gurrier is the spymaster of Shin Makoku and often acts as a bodyguard for the king. He’s usually fairly cheerful and easygoing, but can and will speak his mind to anyone, no matter what their rank may be. Sarcasm and the occasional hint of bitterness aren’t strangers to Yozak, but his loyalty to his friends and his country is unshakeable. Yozak is very good at what he does, whether that's gathering information, fighting, infiltrating the enemy stronghold, building cribs and Shogi boards, or knowing just how much thigh to show off in that miniskirt. This six-foot-plus man with amazing biceps is ready and willing to do whatever it takes to complete a mission, including cross-dressing for justice!
Sample Post:
Yoohoo ♥~! I’ve just arrived! This is my first time at a summer camp and I'm very excited. The animals here are... a little strange, but I'm sure the gorilla was only trying to be friendly! He didn’t have to feel them to check if they were real. I've just had a wonderful idea! We can all work together to teach the gorillas that real gentlemen always ask before they touch. This gorilla won't be a problem again, but I do think I may have hit him too hard ♥. Oh dear, I guess I don't know my own strength! I will be very upset if he doesn't recover; I'm not sure that my frail constitution could take it. This incident makes me hope that the campers will be kind enough to take a delicate and demure girl like myself under their wings. We have much to learn from each other, so let's get along, okay?
Now that is how you introduce yourself to camp at large. What better way to infiltrate a summer camp then to blend in with the campers? Everyone might be tired of hearing about the gorillas, but you don't want to stand out by being too unique. ...speaking of uniqueness, this wasn't what I expected to find when I was sent to train some of your Director's toughest, battle-hardened soldiers. Jeez, I didn’t think that the few, the strong, and the proud would be so...flakey. Falling apart in the line of duty should not be this literal. I guess training camps aren’t what they used to be, eh? Looks like we have a lot of work ahead of us. And soldier? Check the strap on that garter! An incorrectly fastened garter strap could get you killed out there, believe me.
I doubt that many of you will reach the heights of femininity that I have, but don’t be discouraged. Dressing as a woman has saved my life countless times and I know it can do the same for you. Even a lack of physically attractive features or a gray skin-tone isn’t the end of the world. It's all in how you dress, walk, talk, and find that perfect shade of lipstick to compliment your complexion. Men (and women) will tell you anything if you can successfully hit on their baser instincts. Wink and flirt, sit close to your target and whisper in their ear . . . no, I don’t think many of the campers will find "graaaaagh ♥~" very seductive. We're gonna have to work on that. But as long as you keep this important piece of advice in mind, you should be fine.
Remember, real men tuck.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Aleister Crowley III/Arystar Krory III
Series: D.Gray-man
Age: 28
Job: Nurse
Canon: D.Gray-man's about a bunch of exorcists who fight against the Millennium Earl and his demons (aka Akuma) with their weapons made of Innocence.
Crowley looks like a bad Dracula stereotype. Gaunt face, slick, black hair, flowing, black cape, the works. With an appearance like that, it's kind of funny how he's an exorcist, but even his Innocence is vampiric in nature. Crowley uses his fangs to bite and drain the enemy of their blood. People back in the Victorian age were mighty superstitious, so it's no surprise that he grew up alone and friendless. While that could have made him into a self-righteous, independent, tough guy, it did the exact opposite. He's naive, polite, gullible, sheltered and a crybaby who has no shame in his tears. That's not to say Crowley wallows in his own self-pity though. He's a real trooper, trying to experience the real world, and always willing to be conned into try new things.
Sample Entry:
My name is Aleister Crowley and I am Camp Fuck You Die’s new nurse. I... admit, I have never held a "normal" occupation before, nor do I have any experience in the medical field. So, I am at a loss as to what exactly qualifies me to be a nurse. Oh, but I do understand that this camp suffers from a lack of resources.
You see, my job responsibilities include drawing blood samples from and administering injections to the camp population. I expected some syringes, needles, et cetera, at my disposal. However, the only equipment I received was a bright pink "sippy straw" and this wine glass. ...I felt I was being mocked. I-It’s understandable, after all. This vampire-like form... S-surely I would frighten all the poor children... Even most adults fear me, and people hate what they fear. But then I thoroughly read the attached letter of employment.
It was a heart-wrenching letter. Penned in crude, nearly illegible script, smeared with a mysterious, brown substance, and smelling strongly of bananas; to think that one could be so busy with work that one must eat on the job! Madame Director’s secretary must work in dire conditions. I also hear that Madame’s secretaries go door-to-door each morning to wake the children up for their morning meal. The staff readily ensures that all campers enjoy a communal breakfast, with all of their friends, while the secretaries must eat a meager meal of bananas, isolated at their desks. It’s probable that they do not even have desks. This paper is awfully crinkled.
Despite all these hardships, I can tell that Madame Director is trying to take care of everything. The letter of employment explained that everyone here is very susceptible to a multitude of viruses. While not deadly, these viruses are a great inconvenience and no matter what, you cannot naturally develop immunity. That’s when I come in. I'm to deliver blood samples to Madame's staff, who will isolate the viruses in the blood and create special injections. By "injections," I am sure they mean "vaccinations," so not to worry! The staff will weaken, or kill, the virus before they make me inject it into you. Otherwise, I would just be infecting everyone! And I am sure that the last thing Madame Director wants is to make everyone more miserable than they already are.
I realize now that it was foolish of me to be offended by the available equipment. Everyone is trying their best, so I have to cope as well. ...Even if this uniform is a bit small. I am not accustomed to wearing all white or to wearing a dress, but everyone has their different customs, which I respect. When someone offers their hand, you shake it. If someone bows to you, you do the same. First impressions are important, and I have found that it is easy to figure out the appropriate behavior through mimicry. Oh, here comes someone now!
... H-hellooooooo, GORILLA! You don’t have to call me "Nurse" if you don’t want to, just "Crowley" is fine.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Jemmy J. Adams ("JJ")
Series: FAKE
Age: 27
Job: Assistant Activities Coordinator
Canon: New York City, gay cops, and questionable taste in men's fashion. ...Is there really anything else you need to know about FAKE?
JJ Adams is a detective in New York's 27th precinct. He's an expert "pinhole shot" marksman, and he has a MONUMENTAL crush on Dee Laytner, whom he calls "senpai" (despite not actually being Japanese). His favorite way of greeting Dee is flinging himself blindly in his direction and kissing him, which usually leads to Dee shoving someone else in the way.
He's also very childish, and prone to spontaneous crying and tantrums, especially when it comes to Dee. He does have his serious moments, though, even if they are few and far between.
Sample Entry:
I can't believe it! My Mr. Sexy, most perfect, handsome man in the whole wide world left poor little me all alone! DEE-SENPAI! How could you? But I'll forgive you, for the price of one teensy little kiss~ ♥! --askldjkfsa you're not Senpai! Dee would never let his godly body rot like that. Ugh! Though I'd still love him even if he did! My love, much like this guy's dermatology problem, is more than just skin deep!
That imposter's lack of personal hygiene aside, hello! I'm JJ Adams, and I'll be working as your Assistant Activities Coordinator. I've got plenty of ideas for fun things to do this summer, starting with some activities for pairs. It's important to pick your ideal partner for activities like this. So even if they play hard to get, be super persistant and eventually you'll beat out the totally clueless competition who aren't with it enough to see a good thing when they've got it! Once you've got them, find somewhere nice and romantic, like the lake at sunset. Then you can let the mood take over from there! As the sun disappears over the horizon, he'll lean down, his gorgeous green eyes meeting yours, and whisper your name softly. And as his lips brush yours, you'll slide your hands through his dark, unkempt hair, as his hands wander slowly down to your-- WELL! I think you all get the picture, right? Go out there and find your partner!
If that's not your idea of fun, I've been given a whole list of other activities. You could volunteer in the mess hall and learn to cook, or learn to swim while counting in French (...oookay so that one's a little weird), or even take up hunting. There's plenty of wilderness around here, full of exciting and colorful wildlife. I'm an excellent marksman, so if you need any tips on shooting I'd be happy to help. I'm also excellent at tracking even the most elusive creatures. Remember: always keep your prey in your sights, no matter how they try to escape, and you're sure to catch them!
Also, if you're not all too busy starting in on your fun summer camp adventures, I was hoping maybe someone could help me with some of this stuff? I have to carry all these gigantamongus boxes of activity supplies to the canoe hut for storage, but it feels like they keep moving around whenever I look away... AHAH! You see? You could see someone's feet sticking out beneath it as it moved. If you're trying to sneak up on someone, there are better ways to do it... Like jumping out of a cake! That's much sexier. I guess a box is fine too, but it could at least be a sexy box.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kurorin Kurowanko Kurogane
Series: Tsubasa: RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE
Character Age: Unstated; appears to be in his 20s. He's clearly the oldest(-looking) member of the group.
Job: Anger Management Counselor
Canon: Tsubasa: it's all fun interdimensional games until someone loses an eye.
The series follows the adventures of Syaoran, Princess Sakura, Mokona, Fay D. Flourite, and - of course - Kurogane as the quintet hops from world to world in pursuit of Sakura's magical feathers. It's like Kingdom Hearts, CLAMP-style - crazy outfits, gratuitous cameos, and cute methods of transportation included. Kurogane is an angry, angry ninja-samurai dude who got exiled from his homeland after killing too many people. Although he begins the series apathetic, murderous, and possibly evil, he slowly warms up to the other members of the group, not the least of which being the flamboyantly gay wizard, Fay. They're a typical CLAMP yin-yang duo, with Kurogane being the darker, rougher half of the equation.
In terms of personality, Kurogane is not a terribly nice guy. He's a gruff, tough fighting machine who used to flip out at the drop of a spoon until that whole exile thing happened. At best, he's blunt and honest, possibly stoic; however, he's equally likely to be loud, quick-tempered and foul-mouthed. He absolutely hates any attacks on his Manly Pride, especially when said attacks include humiliating nicknames and accusations of actually giving a damn. ... and yet somehow he ends up being the father-figure to this warped little interdimensional family. For all his (very obvious) faults, he has an intense sense of justice and is slowly rediscovering his own protective instincts. He can be a pillar of strength for the people he loves ... even when they make him flail and rage half the time. :|
Note: "White meatbun" is Kurogane's term for Mokona, the rabbit-like translator/transporter/general plot device for the group.
Sample Post:
I'm not gonna repeat myself, so listen up: I don't wanna be here.
Hell, I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be here in the first place. That white meatbun's screwed up teleports before, but this time? It's gone and outdone itself. The plague of zombie strippers you got here ain't exactly my idea of a welcoming committee, even if they are too damn happy to see me. What the hell kind of country thinks stripping your skin off is attractive? And those body parts aren't supposed to detach 'til my sword tells them to. I've heard of people losin' their heads, but this is just ridiculous.
I mean that, dammit! For a bunch of zombies that're supposed to be helping me with the "anger management" job, you guys don't have the first damn clue about what you're doing! Anger is great, yeah. And violence is better. Anybody who wants to dispute that with me isn't gonna be arguing for long. But you know what's better than both? Useful violence. The kind that ends with missing limbs and painful, stabbing death. You can't just swing your weapon around blindly and expect it to do you any good.
And before you even get that far, you gotta have some real anger. Like the kind you get after being forced into slave labor, with a damn barrier blocking the exits - and lotsa convenient zombies wandering around. Coincidentally enough. One of 'em mumbled something about owing this director bitch money just by being here. Age tax? Ninja tax? What the hell kinda currency is "..."? Charging for the counselor's "uniform" on top of that is just going too damn far! In case you didn't notice, my name's Kurogane. It's not Counselor Kuro-wan-piku, it's not pink, and it's not supposed to be on a goddamn sparkly leotard. You think you're being clever? Let's see how clever you are when I bash your brains out!
Do you hear that, camp? You're seriously pissing me off! If the others were here, I wouldn't even be doing this damn thing! Hell, if I had sake I wouldn't be doing it! I'm just passing the time 'til they get their asses in gear and get over here. And -- DAMMIT, ZOMBIE. SHUT UP. I DON'T ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THEM. THEY'RE JUST MY TRANSPORTATION. COME BACK HERE SO I CAN KILL YOU IN THE FACE.
I'll even give you some goddamn counseling -
Anger management, lesson one: target practice.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Raine Sage
Series: Tales of Symphonia
Age: 23
Job: Healing Arts Instructor
Canon: First introduced as a teacher from a small village, Raine is a calm and intelligent woman. She's a realist and cautious to the point of sounding harsh. Due to unfortunate and spoilerific events in her past, Raine was forced to take care of her younger brother by herself. Since then, she’s adopted a motherly/big sister attitude toward her students and some of her fellow party members. She is one of the most mature and rational characters in the game.
But even a person like Raine has flaws. The strict but caring teacher persona goes right out the window whenever the party encounters something new and shiny. She will heartmark, laugh maniacally and demand that the party sticks around so she can research the subject further. In short, she’s a shameless fangirl for science and history. Furthermore, she’s awfully violent for someone who’s supposed to be the party’s main healer. Anyone who insults the value of academics or just pisses her off, gets smacked. It’s also how she disciplines her students and her brother. She does it out of love. Really.
Sample Post:
MARVELOUS! What a fascinating specimen! Just look at the bark! Oh, the wood must be so strong! Imagine the possibilities with this tree! If it can be properly cultivated, even the poorest person will always have outfits! I wonder if the quality of the clothing tells how healthy the tree is. Why, the seed that this tree came from must be so unique! Perhaps it resembles a spool? I have to study this!
...Ah, ahem! Greetings, campers. I’m Professor Sage and I'll be your instructor on the healing arts. Your director has allowed me to stay here temporarily as long as I hold a series of classes. After studying camp's wildlife, I can see how you would all benefit from even the most basic healing spells.
In spite of what the pamphlet says, there’ll be no lessons on the healing light of anything. What a crude picture. Also, we won't be using "Everything Is Better with Fire" as a textbook. The title itself says how inaccurate and inappropriate-Stop that. There’s no need to groan. We're better off without books like this. Honestly, "kill with fire" isn't even grammatically correct!
In addition, the director has supplied us with these dolls for our first lesson tomorrow. Most of them are anatomically correct but some flawed ones have gotten in the mix. They’ll need to be thrown away. After all, dolls with extra appendages aren’t suitable for-Oh my. Er. Moving on, then.
Besides those, the dolls with big appendages, small ones and especially those big as your head aren't suitable for the lessons. Please get rid of them. Really now! How disproportionate. The talking dolls will have to be tossed too. Considering that our first lesson will be about anatomy, we shouldn’t have things that constantly say "so bold" every time someone touches them. It's very distracting!
Now then, I'll be happy to answer any questions but first I have to ask. Where may I find the elusive laser dragon? I am intrigued and would like to study it. ♥
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Character: L
Series: Death Note
Character Age: 24
Job: Tennis Instructor
Canon: An orphan with a genius-level intellect, L is the most brilliant detective in the world. Beyond investigating mundane cases, L has taken up the task of tracking down and identifying the entity known as 'Kira', a name given to a person using supernatural powers to kill all known criminals of the world, no matter what punishment the law dictates to them.
However, a man of eccentric nature, L's actual appearance is somewhat surprising: an unkempt, reclusive, easily irritated young man with a great love of sweets, cakes, jam, teacakes, cream puffs, pastries, raw sugar cubes, etc. If it's sweet and delicious, then it's been in L's mouth. No exceptions.
With almost no information to start with, he determines 'Kira' must know the names and faces of the people he kills in order to do so, and that he's located in the Kanto region of Japan. From this, L's only real suspect becomes idealistic high-school student Yagami Light; to the point he begins tracking most of his daily activities and lifestyle for clues. With a budget the size of several countries, and the help of a hand-selected team of professionals, L will stop at nothing to identify 'Kira' and make sure that justice shall prevail! ...Just don't expect him to be a complete saint about it.
(Oh, and it's a bit of random character detail that L was the junior tennis champion in England while he lived there for five years; a piece of backstory both startling and completely irrelevant.)
Sample Post:
My, my. An interesting environment. I am seventy percent sure that this change will result in a shift of the overall investigation for the duration of the time I am here. Such changes usually do.
Greetings, future students of the game of tennis. You may call me Ryuuga Hideki. Or, if you would prefer, Ryuuzaki. Don't worry, neither of these monikers can be used to determine my true identity, you need only know that I am this 'camp's' new tennis instructor. I'm glad to see so many people wanting to play tennis have come to the tennis courts; a logical action. Hopefully, everyone is enthusiastic about this endeavor. Those who aren't, you are free to leave at absolutely any time. No strings attached, or other obligations forcing you to stay.
Well, I am glad so many people are dedicated. First we shall begin with some simple exercises and practice shots. If there are no questions, then please begin... yes, what is it? No, I'm sure you've noticed, I will not be attending in person. Neither is the computer monitor with my alias displayed going to grow legs, arms, and teach you how to topspin serve, or feed you a proper overhead smash. My knowledge in this sport is so intensive that with the exception of the necessity of doing it for matches, I have no need to physically play the game ever again to demonstrate my skill. Furthermore, I am too busy with other activities to physically attend in person. Those who do not believe me, I would like you to write an essay on a special topic outside of class, titled: "Why I would need to meet with Tennis Coach Ryuuzaki in person: a possible future confession." As many pages as you think you would need. Please be detailed.
...You ask many questions. I see we have a group with some intelligent people in it. I shall make a note of those few that are, and if you prove yourself trustworthy over the next few months (perhaps weeks), I may have a special assignment for you. Consider it a sort of 'US Open,' where amateurs can freely intermingle with the professionals. Keep in mind, however, that contrary to physical ability, pure mental capacity will be the judge of whether you will have the opportunity to participate. The psychological game is more than half of the battle, after all. Whether you have the ability to follow through with a shot to the corner, or attempt misdirection with an overhead lob, you must be alert and ready to seize any opening. For example: there is no loss of 'honor' in cutting a ball with so much backspin that it barely makes it over the net, and then falls over, dead. ...even if that is a particularly annoying play to receive.
Begin your exercises at any time, class. The undead/unliving are there to help; they are your targets. You are familiar with the rule that if your opponent touches the ball with a part of himself that is not the racket, it is a point for you? Of course, try not to hit so hard as to knock off any dangling limbs, they tend to leave a real mess on the courts, as well as the equipment. If you must know what I am doing, I will spend the following eight minutes cleaning the strawberry jam that's gotten onto forty percent of my keyboard... --Thank you, yes, this is a problem I often have trouble with.
Applicant #2
Character Name: "L" Lawliet
Series: Death Note
Age: 25
Job: Private Investigator/Camp Security Enforcer
Canon: L is a scrawny, malnourished looking young man with sunken eyes who disquiets people around him. He is also the greatest detective in the world. He is exceptionally intelligent but often lost in his own mind and since he thinks mathematically he is prone to second-guessing himself. In speech he is calm, formal and didactic but not always polite. In fact, he can be flat out insulting to people since he is often frank to the point of rudeness. L is child-like in nature and openly admits to it. He is a sore loser and, since he approaches investigations the way others would approach a game, he takes extreme measures to never lose. His methods for solving cases can be legal, questionable or obviously illegal. For example, he is not above having death-row criminals prematurely killed and he once abducted a pop star and tied her down to live, bound, under 24-hour surveillance for a month because he suspected her of being a psychic killer. L is not sinister, just fanatical in his pursuit of justice. If he suspects you in the least he'll keep an eye on you. And you'll hate every second of it.
Sample Entry:
Everyone listen closely; I’ll only say this once.
I am the detective L. As I was procuring cake from the mess hall I overheard some of you talking. Curiosity is natural at your age but jumping to the conclusion that I am a drowned corpse from the lake up and walking again is not. By noon I was conscious of about twelve of you following me. Three carried sawed off shotguns, I’d say maybe four had edged weapons of some kind (and if the peel is evidence, someone had a banana, though I am not sure why). Yes, I was aware of you. I think it is best we dispel the undead rumor before it gets out of hand, as well as any other gossip you may have heard.
However, if you've heard rumors that I am responsible for the gorillas suddenly being armed with Avtomat Kalashnikova 1947 assault rifles and the appearance of remote cameras around camp then you've heard the truth. I am here to solve the murder case that happened here two years ago; the supposed killing and mysterious subsequent disappearance of one Stephan Debussey. Sources tell me that many campers and counselors alike have managed to discover means of escaping the premises. At the same time, the asymmetrically permeable barrier has drawn in more people in that time and trapped them here. This means the camp population has changed quite a bit since the camp was built. I would say the chance of the murderer still being present at Camp is about seventy percent but this is not a certainty.
I do not like these odds. If people are getting out then Director-san's security is insufficient and I will do all I can to tighten it. The defenses I’ve seen are not only inadequate but also illogical. I am sure the toucans who sing "Baby Got Back" had a purpose at one time, for example, as did the unusual form-altering diseases. It is time to upgrade with technology (Speaking of which, that IS an electric fence out there in the woods, stop touching it, the next person to do so will be laughed at). Do not think of my actions as an invasion of privacy, just think of it this way: The sooner the case is solved the sooner we can leave. I am as trapped as you are, remember, and the killer now knows I am here so we are both sacrificing our complacency. I expect to have your full cooperation during this case. Please do not bother running, as while I told the gorillas to fire warning shots first they have been known to be a bit overzealous in their efforts to secure the perimeter.
Ah ... if anyone has any further questions they can reach me at the lake once I figure out how to wash this amaranth-pink hue from my skin and hair. I seem to have become another Camp statistic.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. App raep + holy shit I have to post another batch in two hours = speed voting and we look good here, so! Closed~
Character: Yozak Gurrier
Series: Kyou Kara Maou
Age: Unknown, likely around 100 (appears to be in his mid to late twenties)
Job: Instructor in the Proper Method of Infiltration and How Not To Be Seen
Canon: Kyou Kara Maou is the story of a young man who tries to Do the Right Thing and is flushed down the toilet for his troubles. He ends up in another world, where he promptly finds out that he is the new Maou and manages to accidentally engage himself to another man. What follows are many and varied adventures where the young man proves himself to be a real king, saves the kingdom, brings peace throughout the land, and introduces baseball to his subjects.
Yozak Gurrier is the spymaster of Shin Makoku and often acts as a bodyguard for the king. He’s usually fairly cheerful and easygoing, but can and will speak his mind to anyone, no matter what their rank may be. Sarcasm and the occasional hint of bitterness aren’t strangers to Yozak, but his loyalty to his friends and his country is unshakeable. Yozak is very good at what he does, whether that's gathering information, fighting, infiltrating the enemy stronghold, building cribs and Shogi boards, or knowing just how much thigh to show off in that miniskirt. This six-foot-plus man with amazing biceps is ready and willing to do whatever it takes to complete a mission, including cross-dressing for justice!
Sample Post:
Yoohoo ♥~! I’ve just arrived! This is my first time at a summer camp and I'm very excited. The animals here are... a little strange, but I'm sure the gorilla was only trying to be friendly! He didn’t have to feel them to check if they were real. I've just had a wonderful idea! We can all work together to teach the gorillas that real gentlemen always ask before they touch. This gorilla won't be a problem again, but I do think I may have hit him too hard ♥. Oh dear, I guess I don't know my own strength! I will be very upset if he doesn't recover; I'm not sure that my frail constitution could take it. This incident makes me hope that the campers will be kind enough to take a delicate and demure girl like myself under their wings. We have much to learn from each other, so let's get along, okay?
Now that is how you introduce yourself to camp at large. What better way to infiltrate a summer camp then to blend in with the campers? Everyone might be tired of hearing about the gorillas, but you don't want to stand out by being too unique. ...speaking of uniqueness, this wasn't what I expected to find when I was sent to train some of your Director's toughest, battle-hardened soldiers. Jeez, I didn’t think that the few, the strong, and the proud would be so...flakey. Falling apart in the line of duty should not be this literal. I guess training camps aren’t what they used to be, eh? Looks like we have a lot of work ahead of us. And soldier? Check the strap on that garter! An incorrectly fastened garter strap could get you killed out there, believe me.
I doubt that many of you will reach the heights of femininity that I have, but don’t be discouraged. Dressing as a woman has saved my life countless times and I know it can do the same for you. Even a lack of physically attractive features or a gray skin-tone isn’t the end of the world. It's all in how you dress, walk, talk, and find that perfect shade of lipstick to compliment your complexion. Men (and women) will tell you anything if you can successfully hit on their baser instincts. Wink and flirt, sit close to your target and whisper in their ear . . . no, I don’t think many of the campers will find "graaaaagh ♥~" very seductive. We're gonna have to work on that. But as long as you keep this important piece of advice in mind, you should be fine.
Remember, real men tuck.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Aleister Crowley III/Arystar Krory III
Series: D.Gray-man
Age: 28
Job: Nurse
Canon: D.Gray-man's about a bunch of exorcists who fight against the Millennium Earl and his demons (aka Akuma) with their weapons made of Innocence.
Crowley looks like a bad Dracula stereotype. Gaunt face, slick, black hair, flowing, black cape, the works. With an appearance like that, it's kind of funny how he's an exorcist, but even his Innocence is vampiric in nature. Crowley uses his fangs to bite and drain the enemy of their blood. People back in the Victorian age were mighty superstitious, so it's no surprise that he grew up alone and friendless. While that could have made him into a self-righteous, independent, tough guy, it did the exact opposite. He's naive, polite, gullible, sheltered and a crybaby who has no shame in his tears. That's not to say Crowley wallows in his own self-pity though. He's a real trooper, trying to experience the real world, and always willing to be conned into try new things.
Sample Entry:
My name is Aleister Crowley and I am Camp Fuck You Die’s new nurse. I... admit, I have never held a "normal" occupation before, nor do I have any experience in the medical field. So, I am at a loss as to what exactly qualifies me to be a nurse. Oh, but I do understand that this camp suffers from a lack of resources.
You see, my job responsibilities include drawing blood samples from and administering injections to the camp population. I expected some syringes, needles, et cetera, at my disposal. However, the only equipment I received was a bright pink "sippy straw" and this wine glass. ...I felt I was being mocked. I-It’s understandable, after all. This vampire-like form... S-surely I would frighten all the poor children... Even most adults fear me, and people hate what they fear. But then I thoroughly read the attached letter of employment.
It was a heart-wrenching letter. Penned in crude, nearly illegible script, smeared with a mysterious, brown substance, and smelling strongly of bananas; to think that one could be so busy with work that one must eat on the job! Madame Director’s secretary must work in dire conditions. I also hear that Madame’s secretaries go door-to-door each morning to wake the children up for their morning meal. The staff readily ensures that all campers enjoy a communal breakfast, with all of their friends, while the secretaries must eat a meager meal of bananas, isolated at their desks. It’s probable that they do not even have desks. This paper is awfully crinkled.
Despite all these hardships, I can tell that Madame Director is trying to take care of everything. The letter of employment explained that everyone here is very susceptible to a multitude of viruses. While not deadly, these viruses are a great inconvenience and no matter what, you cannot naturally develop immunity. That’s when I come in. I'm to deliver blood samples to Madame's staff, who will isolate the viruses in the blood and create special injections. By "injections," I am sure they mean "vaccinations," so not to worry! The staff will weaken, or kill, the virus before they make me inject it into you. Otherwise, I would just be infecting everyone! And I am sure that the last thing Madame Director wants is to make everyone more miserable than they already are.
I realize now that it was foolish of me to be offended by the available equipment. Everyone is trying their best, so I have to cope as well. ...Even if this uniform is a bit small. I am not accustomed to wearing all white or to wearing a dress, but everyone has their different customs, which I respect. When someone offers their hand, you shake it. If someone bows to you, you do the same. First impressions are important, and I have found that it is easy to figure out the appropriate behavior through mimicry. Oh, here comes someone now!
... H-hellooooooo, GORILLA! You don’t have to call me "Nurse" if you don’t want to, just "Crowley" is fine.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Jemmy J. Adams ("JJ")
Series: FAKE
Age: 27
Job: Assistant Activities Coordinator
Canon: New York City, gay cops, and questionable taste in men's fashion. ...Is there really anything else you need to know about FAKE?
JJ Adams is a detective in New York's 27th precinct. He's an expert "pinhole shot" marksman, and he has a MONUMENTAL crush on Dee Laytner, whom he calls "senpai" (despite not actually being Japanese). His favorite way of greeting Dee is flinging himself blindly in his direction and kissing him, which usually leads to Dee shoving someone else in the way.
He's also very childish, and prone to spontaneous crying and tantrums, especially when it comes to Dee. He does have his serious moments, though, even if they are few and far between.
Sample Entry:
I can't believe it! My Mr. Sexy, most perfect, handsome man in the whole wide world left poor little me all alone! DEE-SENPAI! How could you? But I'll forgive you, for the price of one teensy little kiss~ ♥! --askldjkfsa you're not Senpai! Dee would never let his godly body rot like that. Ugh! Though I'd still love him even if he did! My love, much like this guy's dermatology problem, is more than just skin deep!
That imposter's lack of personal hygiene aside, hello! I'm JJ Adams, and I'll be working as your Assistant Activities Coordinator. I've got plenty of ideas for fun things to do this summer, starting with some activities for pairs. It's important to pick your ideal partner for activities like this. So even if they play hard to get, be super persistant and eventually you'll beat out the totally clueless competition who aren't with it enough to see a good thing when they've got it! Once you've got them, find somewhere nice and romantic, like the lake at sunset. Then you can let the mood take over from there! As the sun disappears over the horizon, he'll lean down, his gorgeous green eyes meeting yours, and whisper your name softly. And as his lips brush yours, you'll slide your hands through his dark, unkempt hair, as his hands wander slowly down to your-- WELL! I think you all get the picture, right? Go out there and find your partner!
If that's not your idea of fun, I've been given a whole list of other activities. You could volunteer in the mess hall and learn to cook, or learn to swim while counting in French (...oookay so that one's a little weird), or even take up hunting. There's plenty of wilderness around here, full of exciting and colorful wildlife. I'm an excellent marksman, so if you need any tips on shooting I'd be happy to help. I'm also excellent at tracking even the most elusive creatures. Remember: always keep your prey in your sights, no matter how they try to escape, and you're sure to catch them!
Also, if you're not all too busy starting in on your fun summer camp adventures, I was hoping maybe someone could help me with some of this stuff? I have to carry all these gigantamongus boxes of activity supplies to the canoe hut for storage, but it feels like they keep moving around whenever I look away... AHAH! You see? You could see someone's feet sticking out beneath it as it moved. If you're trying to sneak up on someone, there are better ways to do it... Like jumping out of a cake! That's much sexier. I guess a box is fine too, but it could at least be a sexy box.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kurorin Kurowanko Kurogane
Series: Tsubasa: RESERVoir CHRoNiCLE
Character Age: Unstated; appears to be in his 20s. He's clearly the oldest(-looking) member of the group.
Job: Anger Management Counselor
Canon: Tsubasa: it's all fun interdimensional games until someone loses an eye.
The series follows the adventures of Syaoran, Princess Sakura, Mokona, Fay D. Flourite, and - of course - Kurogane as the quintet hops from world to world in pursuit of Sakura's magical feathers. It's like Kingdom Hearts, CLAMP-style - crazy outfits, gratuitous cameos, and cute methods of transportation included. Kurogane is an angry, angry ninja-samurai dude who got exiled from his homeland after killing too many people. Although he begins the series apathetic, murderous, and possibly evil, he slowly warms up to the other members of the group, not the least of which being the flamboyantly gay wizard, Fay. They're a typical CLAMP yin-yang duo, with Kurogane being the darker, rougher half of the equation.
In terms of personality, Kurogane is not a terribly nice guy. He's a gruff, tough fighting machine who used to flip out at the drop of a spoon until that whole exile thing happened. At best, he's blunt and honest, possibly stoic; however, he's equally likely to be loud, quick-tempered and foul-mouthed. He absolutely hates any attacks on his Manly Pride, especially when said attacks include humiliating nicknames and accusations of actually giving a damn. ... and yet somehow he ends up being the father-figure to this warped little interdimensional family. For all his (very obvious) faults, he has an intense sense of justice and is slowly rediscovering his own protective instincts. He can be a pillar of strength for the people he loves ... even when they make him flail and rage half the time. :|
Note: "White meatbun" is Kurogane's term for Mokona, the rabbit-like translator/transporter/general plot device for the group.
Sample Post:
I'm not gonna repeat myself, so listen up: I don't wanna be here.
Hell, I'm pretty sure I'm not supposed to be here in the first place. That white meatbun's screwed up teleports before, but this time? It's gone and outdone itself. The plague of zombie strippers you got here ain't exactly my idea of a welcoming committee, even if they are too damn happy to see me. What the hell kind of country thinks stripping your skin off is attractive? And those body parts aren't supposed to detach 'til my sword tells them to. I've heard of people losin' their heads, but this is just ridiculous.
I mean that, dammit! For a bunch of zombies that're supposed to be helping me with the "anger management" job, you guys don't have the first damn clue about what you're doing! Anger is great, yeah. And violence is better. Anybody who wants to dispute that with me isn't gonna be arguing for long. But you know what's better than both? Useful violence. The kind that ends with missing limbs and painful, stabbing death. You can't just swing your weapon around blindly and expect it to do you any good.
And before you even get that far, you gotta have some real anger. Like the kind you get after being forced into slave labor, with a damn barrier blocking the exits - and lotsa convenient zombies wandering around. Coincidentally enough. One of 'em mumbled something about owing this director bitch money just by being here. Age tax? Ninja tax? What the hell kinda currency is "..."? Charging for the counselor's "uniform" on top of that is just going too damn far! In case you didn't notice, my name's Kurogane. It's not Counselor Kuro-wan-piku, it's not pink, and it's not supposed to be on a goddamn sparkly leotard. You think you're being clever? Let's see how clever you are when I bash your brains out!
Do you hear that, camp? You're seriously pissing me off! If the others were here, I wouldn't even be doing this damn thing! Hell, if I had sake I wouldn't be doing it! I'm just passing the time 'til they get their asses in gear and get over here. And -- DAMMIT, ZOMBIE. SHUT UP. I DON'T ACTUALLY GIVE A SHIT ABOUT THEM. THEY'RE JUST MY TRANSPORTATION. COME BACK HERE SO I CAN KILL YOU IN THE FACE.
I'll even give you some goddamn counseling -
Anger management, lesson one: target practice.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Raine Sage
Series: Tales of Symphonia
Age: 23
Job: Healing Arts Instructor
Canon: First introduced as a teacher from a small village, Raine is a calm and intelligent woman. She's a realist and cautious to the point of sounding harsh. Due to unfortunate and spoilerific events in her past, Raine was forced to take care of her younger brother by herself. Since then, she’s adopted a motherly/big sister attitude toward her students and some of her fellow party members. She is one of the most mature and rational characters in the game.
But even a person like Raine has flaws. The strict but caring teacher persona goes right out the window whenever the party encounters something new and shiny. She will heartmark, laugh maniacally and demand that the party sticks around so she can research the subject further. In short, she’s a shameless fangirl for science and history. Furthermore, she’s awfully violent for someone who’s supposed to be the party’s main healer. Anyone who insults the value of academics or just pisses her off, gets smacked. It’s also how she disciplines her students and her brother. She does it out of love. Really.
Sample Post:
MARVELOUS! What a fascinating specimen! Just look at the bark! Oh, the wood must be so strong! Imagine the possibilities with this tree! If it can be properly cultivated, even the poorest person will always have outfits! I wonder if the quality of the clothing tells how healthy the tree is. Why, the seed that this tree came from must be so unique! Perhaps it resembles a spool? I have to study this!
...Ah, ahem! Greetings, campers. I’m Professor Sage and I'll be your instructor on the healing arts. Your director has allowed me to stay here temporarily as long as I hold a series of classes. After studying camp's wildlife, I can see how you would all benefit from even the most basic healing spells.
In spite of what the pamphlet says, there’ll be no lessons on the healing light of anything. What a crude picture. Also, we won't be using "Everything Is Better with Fire" as a textbook. The title itself says how inaccurate and inappropriate-Stop that. There’s no need to groan. We're better off without books like this. Honestly, "kill with fire" isn't even grammatically correct!
In addition, the director has supplied us with these dolls for our first lesson tomorrow. Most of them are anatomically correct but some flawed ones have gotten in the mix. They’ll need to be thrown away. After all, dolls with extra appendages aren’t suitable for-Oh my. Er. Moving on, then.
Besides those, the dolls with big appendages, small ones and especially those big as your head aren't suitable for the lessons. Please get rid of them. Really now! How disproportionate. The talking dolls will have to be tossed too. Considering that our first lesson will be about anatomy, we shouldn’t have things that constantly say "so bold" every time someone touches them. It's very distracting!
Now then, I'll be happy to answer any questions but first I have to ask. Where may I find the elusive laser dragon? I am intrigued and would like to study it. ♥
Poll Vote!
Applicant #1
Character: L
Series: Death Note
Character Age: 24
Job: Tennis Instructor
Canon: An orphan with a genius-level intellect, L is the most brilliant detective in the world. Beyond investigating mundane cases, L has taken up the task of tracking down and identifying the entity known as 'Kira', a name given to a person using supernatural powers to kill all known criminals of the world, no matter what punishment the law dictates to them.
However, a man of eccentric nature, L's actual appearance is somewhat surprising: an unkempt, reclusive, easily irritated young man with a great love of sweets, cakes, jam, teacakes, cream puffs, pastries, raw sugar cubes, etc. If it's sweet and delicious, then it's been in L's mouth. No exceptions.
With almost no information to start with, he determines 'Kira' must know the names and faces of the people he kills in order to do so, and that he's located in the Kanto region of Japan. From this, L's only real suspect becomes idealistic high-school student Yagami Light; to the point he begins tracking most of his daily activities and lifestyle for clues. With a budget the size of several countries, and the help of a hand-selected team of professionals, L will stop at nothing to identify 'Kira' and make sure that justice shall prevail! ...Just don't expect him to be a complete saint about it.
(Oh, and it's a bit of random character detail that L was the junior tennis champion in England while he lived there for five years; a piece of backstory both startling and completely irrelevant.)
Sample Post:
My, my. An interesting environment. I am seventy percent sure that this change will result in a shift of the overall investigation for the duration of the time I am here. Such changes usually do.
Greetings, future students of the game of tennis. You may call me Ryuuga Hideki. Or, if you would prefer, Ryuuzaki. Don't worry, neither of these monikers can be used to determine my true identity, you need only know that I am this 'camp's' new tennis instructor. I'm glad to see so many people wanting to play tennis have come to the tennis courts; a logical action. Hopefully, everyone is enthusiastic about this endeavor. Those who aren't, you are free to leave at absolutely any time. No strings attached, or other obligations forcing you to stay.
Well, I am glad so many people are dedicated. First we shall begin with some simple exercises and practice shots. If there are no questions, then please begin... yes, what is it? No, I'm sure you've noticed, I will not be attending in person. Neither is the computer monitor with my alias displayed going to grow legs, arms, and teach you how to topspin serve, or feed you a proper overhead smash. My knowledge in this sport is so intensive that with the exception of the necessity of doing it for matches, I have no need to physically play the game ever again to demonstrate my skill. Furthermore, I am too busy with other activities to physically attend in person. Those who do not believe me, I would like you to write an essay on a special topic outside of class, titled: "Why I would need to meet with Tennis Coach Ryuuzaki in person: a possible future confession." As many pages as you think you would need. Please be detailed.
...You ask many questions. I see we have a group with some intelligent people in it. I shall make a note of those few that are, and if you prove yourself trustworthy over the next few months (perhaps weeks), I may have a special assignment for you. Consider it a sort of 'US Open,' where amateurs can freely intermingle with the professionals. Keep in mind, however, that contrary to physical ability, pure mental capacity will be the judge of whether you will have the opportunity to participate. The psychological game is more than half of the battle, after all. Whether you have the ability to follow through with a shot to the corner, or attempt misdirection with an overhead lob, you must be alert and ready to seize any opening. For example: there is no loss of 'honor' in cutting a ball with so much backspin that it barely makes it over the net, and then falls over, dead. ...even if that is a particularly annoying play to receive.
Begin your exercises at any time, class. The undead/unliving are there to help; they are your targets. You are familiar with the rule that if your opponent touches the ball with a part of himself that is not the racket, it is a point for you? Of course, try not to hit so hard as to knock off any dangling limbs, they tend to leave a real mess on the courts, as well as the equipment. If you must know what I am doing, I will spend the following eight minutes cleaning the strawberry jam that's gotten onto forty percent of my keyboard... --Thank you, yes, this is a problem I often have trouble with.
Applicant #2
Character Name: "L" Lawliet
Series: Death Note
Age: 25
Job: Private Investigator/Camp Security Enforcer
Canon: L is a scrawny, malnourished looking young man with sunken eyes who disquiets people around him. He is also the greatest detective in the world. He is exceptionally intelligent but often lost in his own mind and since he thinks mathematically he is prone to second-guessing himself. In speech he is calm, formal and didactic but not always polite. In fact, he can be flat out insulting to people since he is often frank to the point of rudeness. L is child-like in nature and openly admits to it. He is a sore loser and, since he approaches investigations the way others would approach a game, he takes extreme measures to never lose. His methods for solving cases can be legal, questionable or obviously illegal. For example, he is not above having death-row criminals prematurely killed and he once abducted a pop star and tied her down to live, bound, under 24-hour surveillance for a month because he suspected her of being a psychic killer. L is not sinister, just fanatical in his pursuit of justice. If he suspects you in the least he'll keep an eye on you. And you'll hate every second of it.
Sample Entry:
Everyone listen closely; I’ll only say this once.
I am the detective L. As I was procuring cake from the mess hall I overheard some of you talking. Curiosity is natural at your age but jumping to the conclusion that I am a drowned corpse from the lake up and walking again is not. By noon I was conscious of about twelve of you following me. Three carried sawed off shotguns, I’d say maybe four had edged weapons of some kind (and if the peel is evidence, someone had a banana, though I am not sure why). Yes, I was aware of you. I think it is best we dispel the undead rumor before it gets out of hand, as well as any other gossip you may have heard.
However, if you've heard rumors that I am responsible for the gorillas suddenly being armed with Avtomat Kalashnikova 1947 assault rifles and the appearance of remote cameras around camp then you've heard the truth. I am here to solve the murder case that happened here two years ago; the supposed killing and mysterious subsequent disappearance of one Stephan Debussey. Sources tell me that many campers and counselors alike have managed to discover means of escaping the premises. At the same time, the asymmetrically permeable barrier has drawn in more people in that time and trapped them here. This means the camp population has changed quite a bit since the camp was built. I would say the chance of the murderer still being present at Camp is about seventy percent but this is not a certainty.
I do not like these odds. If people are getting out then Director-san's security is insufficient and I will do all I can to tighten it. The defenses I’ve seen are not only inadequate but also illogical. I am sure the toucans who sing "Baby Got Back" had a purpose at one time, for example, as did the unusual form-altering diseases. It is time to upgrade with technology (Speaking of which, that IS an electric fence out there in the woods, stop touching it, the next person to do so will be laughed at). Do not think of my actions as an invasion of privacy, just think of it this way: The sooner the case is solved the sooner we can leave. I am as trapped as you are, remember, and the killer now knows I am here so we are both sacrificing our complacency. I expect to have your full cooperation during this case. Please do not bother running, as while I told the gorillas to fire warning shots first they have been known to be a bit overzealous in their efforts to secure the perimeter.
Ah ... if anyone has any further questions they can reach me at the lake once I figure out how to wash this amaranth-pink hue from my skin and hair. I seem to have become another Camp statistic.
Poll Vote!