(no subject)
LOTS OF VOATINGS MEANS LOTS OF ROUNDS. ♥ This'll probably be up for a bit, cause lol guess who hasn't slept in a while.
AND NOW, FOR MORE AWESOME COUNSELORS.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. CLOSED.
Character Name: Tres Iqus
Series: Trinity Blood (manga)
Age: 27-28
Job: Personal Pleasure Enhancer Survival Instructor
Canon: Vampires and robots and priests, oh my! There's certainly no shortage of variety in thirtieth century Earth. In the aftermath of what is known as the Armageddon, the world is divided into two races that are constantly at odds with each other: the Methuselah and the Terrans, or vampires and humans. In order to keep the peace, the Roman Catholic Church has organized a special forces unit known as AX Division to carry out special missions for the Vatican as well as protect the innocent, be they human or vampire or otherwise.
One such member of this organization is Enforcement Officer Tres Iqus, code name "Gunslinger." Even if each AX operative is a special and unique snowflake, Tres is truly different as he is not a human but a machine. With impressive specs of enhanced sensors, insanely quick processors and reaction times, and able to leap small buildings in a single bound, no one would want to be caught in sight of Tres' guns. Giving no mercy to the sinner, Tres is emotionless, precise, factual to a fault, and can be . . . somewhat difficult to work with. But he can also be kind. Being a robot, it's hard to think of someone like Tres having a personality yet Tres displays instances of emotions and understanding. In such a colorful world full of shifting politics, Tres sees everything in black and white while also acknowledging that there is a gray area in-between that is open for interpretation.
Sample Entry:
Switching from investigative mode to transmit mode. Begin transmission.
AX field operative Gunslinger reporting in. I successfully entered the encampment 78.2 seconds ago with the use of the Lambda Unit Borehole Enzyme. The L.U.B.E. was very effective in penetration of the barrier. However, I was hampered in my initial attempts of transmission as the local plant life is particularly active. My supposition is that the vines are affected due to the toxins in the lake water. Requesting replacement of uniform pants upon return to Rome. As I have terminated the vegetal obstacle, I can now proceed in carrying out covert infiltration operations.
Phase One: data collection. Initial analysis of the surrounding area confirms that the Vatican has little to no influence here in ways of authority. Various signs asking "where is your god now?" are indicative enough of anarchy against the church. Preliminary reports indicate a dictatorship under Madam Elizabeth Sayre who insists that campers only need to follow a short list of rules if they wish to last their time here. Further investigation will be needed to identify the elusive Rule #34. It should be noted that Madam Sayre justifies her actions as a rape they didn't know they wanted.
Along with oppression, there is an astounding lack of health and welfare. Viruses are rampant and injuries are the norm. Indeed, the closest moving object detected is severely malnourished and in need of immediate medical treatment. Although the color is optimum for camouflage, a skin condition that severe is not conducive for prolonged existence. Possibility of detected entity being a Methuselah is considerable. However, there is no record of any creature, vampire or otherwise, able to hold its own cranium in its arms without fatal repercussions, let alone continued ability to communicate. Attempting now to overhear.
. . . Search reveals no definition of "I give good head." Will pursue inquiry at a later time.
After gathering this information, I can now move on to phase two: infiltration. Recent openings of employment lend an 87% success rate of my association with the Vatican going unnoticed so that we can proceed to usurp and arrest Madam Sayre on multiple charges. Survival Instructor is best counseling position suited to my abilities, but I am able to fulfill any position for an illimitable amount of time and--
Positive, I said any position, but your question of "all night long" does not compute. Please re-enter question.
--Further reporting will have to wait. There is detected movement heading in this direction coming from the lake area. Will establish contact again once I have integrated into the encampment's ranks. May God be with you and hold you in the palm of His hand.
. . . Negative, that is not meant to be literal. End transmission.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Urd
Series: Oh! My Goddess
Age: Appears 24
Job: Drug Dealer Control
Canon: One day there was a poor, starving college student who decided to order take-out. Too familiar, huh? We've been there. Keiichi Morisato had led an unlucky life until he dialed the wrong number and instead got the Goddess Assistance Agency, an agency that allows a goddess grant a mortal one wish. Thinking this was just a joke, he wished for the goddess, Belldandy, to stay with him forever, which means it's moving day for her! But life still wasn't all sunshine and happiness for the pair, as it wasn't long before the in-laws came knocking. Urd is Belldandy's older sister and decided to do the Right Big Sisterly Thing and support their relationship! After all, she's a wise, kind and sensitive goddess.
At least, when she's trying to be. The rest of the time, Urd is upfront, very personal and quite secure in the knowledge that she is One Sexy Chick, literally showing up in Keichii's house through a porno tape. Urd's hobbies include drugging people, getting smashed, meddling in relationships, and just messing around. Because Urd doesn't consider the consequences of her actions, her impulsiveness, coupled with her short temper, often gets her into trouble. But all in all, Urd means well, she's just not afraid to have a little fun while getting the end to justify the means.
Sample Entry:
Good morning, citizens! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the plants are especially frisky and today marks the start of a CHANGE in this encampment. But you want to know about me? Well, I'm sexy, cute and popular to boot! The name is Urd and I'm here to get some action STARTED into this place. Said action may or may not be good for your immediate sanity, but I really am here to help~
But we probably have different definitions of 'help', no? Well, my definition doesn't involve any bratty kids with snotty noses. Personally, I'd rather deal with something exciting, like identity theft, torrid affairs, tearing people's ribcages open or sweet romantic friendship... with benefits ♥
But a wish is a wish, and I just so happened to be paying off a favor to the Goddess Assistance Agency when somehow this crazy lady got our number and... well, the rest is history. I don't know what you kids have been getting up to, but whatever it was it was bad enough that you needed me to come by and fix it. And seeing as my job is drug control, which one of you was stupid enough to rummage through the medicine closets without supervision? I believe this piece of paper here says something about love goo-- Wait. 'Love' goo?
Ohohohohoho, tell me more. What was it made of? Did it taste strange? Cause diarrhea? I can give you something for that, by the way, and for that terrible addiction to brains you seem to have. It hasn't been tested on animals, humans, or really anything at all, but I'm pretty sure the side effects won't be permanently damaging. Think of it as a generous contribution generations to come will thank you for! ....I'm sure there's somewhere an ear falling off means consent. Two cures coming up!
...uh. Your arm going neon green is just a small allergic reaction, I'm sure it will go away in no time. So let's just wait for that to PROPERLY go through your system and get back to you kids messing with the meds: No touchy. If you pick the wrong one, well. No one wants to be a frog for the rest of their lives, right? Even if it looks like it'd actually be an improvement for some of you. I hope that's as clear as crystal~
So now that's all dealt with, who needs counseling from a responsible adult? A dilemma or two or twenty that needs fixing? Come on, one of you must at least want some viagra to spice up your life, right? Or at least something to avoid pregnancy? Anyone willing to be experimented on say 'wha?'. AHA! Gotcha! No no, I'm ignoring you now, so be quiet like a good boy, I have to find out if you'll be fit for the program ♥ What's your thoughts on anally receiving the medicine? Slight noncon? There's nothing slight about this~ But I suppose you're right, this should wait until later, since I'm addressing an audience. Now what was I saying? Ah yes.
Drink your milk, stay in school, and don't do drugs. Unless they're from me. ♥
Poll Vote!
Character: Cornelia li Britannia
Series: Code Geass
Character Age: 27
Job Description: Head of the Anti-Terrorism Division (but really, Glorified Exterminator)
Canon: All Hail Pizza Hut Britannia, the Holy Empire that wants YOU ... to submit to its whims, abandon your nationality, accept one of the Emperor's myriad children as your leader and take a number. With an impressive arsenal of roller skating mechas and a third of the world beneath its command, Britannia has delivered this fate to a great many nations, including the series' setting: Japan, aka Area 11.
Currently (and freshly) at the head of Area 11 sits the "Witch of Britannia" -- second princess Cornelia. As its Governor-General, this talented warrior and tactician rules over the tumultuous nation with skill, intensity, a touch of ruthlessness and good old fashioned elbow grease, overseeing many operations as a combatant herself. Fearless, dominating and proud, Cornelia makes it consistently clear that she's a force to be reckoned with. Despite all obstacles, she stands in firm command, giving her all and demanding the same from everyone else, to a point where she can be completely harsh in the face of disappointment. In the same regard, she's usually quick to offer praise when praise is due (there are, of course, some exceptions), believes strongly in a subjective sense of honor, and outright refuses to place her life above those of her soldiers.
When off-duty and surrounded by friends and family, however, Cornelia's just a typical 27-year-old woman who happens to be a badass mecha-piloting princess with 107 stepmothers, 17 siblings and a father with a wee bit of a God complex -- no biggie. She blushes furiously over big brother Schneizel's grand praises, teases Euphemia about her weight and takes the time to smile at life's littlest pleasures.
Cornelia is being apped from the end of episode 21.
Sample Post:
So, you're the team who's recently surpassed the Vatican Labs to reach the forefront of the UST industry? How surprising. I'm told greater men then you have begged to be relieved after mere weeks in similar positions, and to hear some of you have been here for two years... Well, it's the military's hope that you'll have conquered this resource's unstable nature as well as you have the field by the time your project closes. They believe your results will be of infinite valuable once the threat of premature explosions is eliminated.
Due to this increase in military interest, I, Cornelia, have come to ensure that your work here remains a Level One secret. However... your ignorance is a disappointment. You are irresponsible. You have been careless. You live in constant threat of invasion, and yet the number of penetrable points here is almost inconceivable. Fools! What of security? Protection? The situation will prove catastrophic if your research falls into unskilled hands, yet there are no measures in place prevent this from happening!
And now, one group who refer to themselves the Air Force, is on the verge of taking action. Though many of their local members have yet to prove themselves familiar with basic concepts of organization and strategy, the group itself outnumbers you and takes pride in being equipped for "prompt and sustained offensive and defensive air operations". Preliminary reports also state that they are strongly combat-oriented, and indicate that your work with UST is very relevant to their interests. Dealing with them will not be easy. Fortunately, they've provided us with a break. Their progress is being hindered by constant debates on whether UST will bring them the gaiety they seek, and they've grown lax in their defenses. This is an opportunity. If we take advantage of this and strike their smaller, rear camps while they're distracted, dominance of this area should once again be yours. The rest should be easy.
For this to be successful, the assistance of every able-bodied worker, resident and test subject is required. I understand that many here are without significant combat experience and must rely on the execution of weak motions that lack technique. This is unacceptable. I will not have anyone's life here placed on such a dangerous line, leaving me with no choice but to personally see to your training. If you'll take out those ancient relics you're all equipped with, we'll begin with proper grip before moving onto timing and aim.
I trust you will all rise to the occasion.
Poll Vote!
Character: Daisuke Jigen
Series: Lupin III
Character Age: Unknown. Fan guesses range between late 30s-mid 40s.
Job: In charge of Complaints Desk.
Canon: A thief famous for his quick draw and uncanny aim, Jigen is more a man of action than a man of words. This attitude puts him in great contrast to his more flamboyant partner, Lupin III. This doesn't mean he's above letting the thief know when he's being foolish, especially when it comes to dealings with certain untrustworthy females.
While he has a rather rough (and sometimes downright surly) outer shell, once you gain his trust and loyalty you have it for life. In spite of being an ace at his work, he's just as happy napping on a couch with good booze and a cigarette as he is pulling off a heist. Kind of like a housecat in a fedora.
Sample Post:
OK. Let's get one thing straight: I don't care.
Yeah, I know what that sign in front of me says. 'Complaints Desk'. It's reaaaaal cute. Downright folksy, even. The hand-painted daisies and happy little birds carrying extracted human eyeballs are a nice touch. Is that dripping blood crimson or indian red? Psh. In any case, ignore it. I'm a gunman! Is that crystal enough for ya? I didn't spend years risking my ass dodging mob bullets on the streets of Chicago to listen to a bunch of brats whine about angsty teenage crap. I'm guessin' that broad that's got my balls in a vice and my favorite gun in a lockbox is the one who made the sign. Feh. I may not give a rat's ass about your problems, but I'll sure as hell give you some advice: Women are trouble. Especially the good looking ones. Should've known somethin' was fishy when my escort was literally a friggin' gorilla.
Hmph. Well, since it looks like I'm stuck here for awhile: Name's Daisuke Jigen. Just call me Jigen. In spite of my best attempts to axe it, the damn complaints box seems to have grown back during my second afternoon nap and ... what the hell? There's a note inside?
"I am rather unhappy with the fact various things keep trying to eat me."
Look, it's like Roosevelt's wife said: "Nobody can eat you without your permission".
Yeah, OK. That's not exactly how that bit goes but the spirit's still the same. The bottom line is it's a dog-eat-dog -- erm, it's an everything-eat-you world out there. You give it an inch, it's gonna chew all over you. So you've gotta show nature who's boss. Smack it around a little. Take these zombies for example: Now, they'll have y'believe that they're nothing but unstoppable killing machines that can't be communicated with. That's a load of bolonga; if they can say 'brains' they can sure as hell say 'Jigen' and they're gonna learn to call me that by the end of the week. If they don't, you're gonna be able to sift gravel with their heads, if you catch my drift. Hmm, there's another note...
"No sex, no booze... I'm going to go crazy!"
Psssssh. Sex. Again, nothin' but trouble. Take a friend of mine for exa-- wait. What's that second part?
Whaddya mean 'NO BOOZE'?!
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Allen Ridgeley
Series: Xenosaga Trilogy
Age: 26
Job: Live Bait Marcy's Midnight Snack Fishing Instructor
Canon:The futuristic Universe of Xenosaga is at a turning point; the threatening interdimensional aliens known as the Gnosis have begun to attack the space-dwelling remnants of humanity in droves unlike those ever seen before. The last line of defense, beyond the reach of any organization, are a group of young, brave souls, compelled to pilot giant robots with mysterious power sources.
Posessing no robot to pilot, and being well past the age of twenty, Allen Ridgeley is the hero of nothing, and the protagonist of jack squat. Instead, the Assistant Chief Engineer of Vector R&D First Division's Project KOS-MOS is a fellow of gentle means. He is intelligent. He is precise in his technical abilities. He is also an utter pushover, hesitant to the last when it comes to making decisive actions, exasperated by the risky behavior of his character-shielded cohorts, and is laughed off by his friends for his general social awkwardness, support him though they do.
Deep down, Allen's dearest wish is to prove his feelings and intentions as a man; not only to his comrades, but also to his boss, Chief Engineer and game protagonist Shion Uzuki, for whom he has carried a steadfast torch since they began working together nearly three years prior.
(Allen is taken from somewhere after the end of Episode II. Mention of Vector's head honcho is made with the player's permission.)
Sample Entry:
I'm not saying it was a bad thing that Vector's Second Division agreed to have a test batch of fish-finders shipped out to some summer camp. I didn't think the CEO would take such an interest in it, either, though I guess even the higher-ups can enjoy a bit of baiting and hooking once in a while.
But you've got to be kidding me! I don't know what they've been teaching you in this retreat, but you don't fish with a shotgun. That breaks so many basic fisherman's rules that I don't even know where to begin! There's the noise, to begin with - and the surface tension of the water destroying any projectile's chance of reaching a target in time - and the fact it's the least-sportsmanlike thing you could do in your spare time. It's not about mindless carnage! Mindless carnage is hardly relaxing!
...
Of course I'm begging to differ! The peace of mind that you're supposed to feel after a day at the lake is the one unbreakable rule, even more important than whether you catch anything or not. The handbooks you've got should have it down somewhere -- there, Rule Number Thirty-Four, you'll see what I mean! ... What?! No, no, wrong handbooks! Why in the world would you want to see that about marine life?!
... Okay, let's try this again. Good morning, campers. My name is Allen Ridgeley, and I've been assigned to your camp to oversee the demonstration of Vector's PIS-COS Icthyometronometer 2.0 Bet(t)a. Fishing in general is probably one of the more relaxing pastimes out there. It's practically next to book-keeping, or -- 'watching grass grow'? Hey, that's taking it a little too far...
Our equipment here is going to be pretty far removed from the antique block-and-tackle I saw in your storage units; these are some serious poles. If you hear hear a 'ticky' sound coming from the device's central box, that means that you've just activated their proximity sensors. So please, everyone, be careful handling your rods - they're very sensitive. At the slightest touch, they could go off without warning.
Now grasp your lures carefully, everyone. It may sound horrible - I'm afraid it'll have to be this way until the shipment of artificial bait arrives - but you're going to have to impale these worms on your hooks, very carefully. You'll, uh, have to ignore the "iyaaaan, fishhook sobold" noises. Now, cast! Once you see your depth indicator drop -- like this -- that means something's caught the end of your line. Pull as quickly as you can, with an even tension on the handcrank; this is no time to be dropping threads, everyone! Your catch should be up any moment after, and -- there! Got it!
Now, take a look at that! Isn't she a beau--dwaaah!
Oh, no, this is a disaster, how am I gonna work with this?! -- Stay calm, Allen, what would the Chief say if she knew how to fish? Stay calm, think professional, think--
Ahh-- campers? What are your thoughts on calamari?
Poll Vote!
Character name: Raphael
Series: Angel Sanctuary
Age: Looks to be in mid-twenties, actual age rather old.
Job: UST Monitor
Canon: Angel Sanctuary is the story of why True Love Conquers All. Oh, and some stuff about angels and demons and religious politics.
As the best friend to the infamous great angel of fire Michael, Raphael, the angel of wind, is intelligent, handsome, powerful, and has great fashion sense -- but he could care less about all that unless you're a pretty lady and all that crap makes you hot for his body. Secretly, however, Raphael has little respect for women. He thinks of them as playthings that briefly entertain him, and often remarks on how bored he is. Though he may use pretty words to woo a girl he's interested in, the second Michael shows up to crash the party, he'll drop all pretenses and leave them behind for his best friend, turning him into a sarcastic, cold and disinterested jerk.
Oh, and the whole 'Mika-chan' thing? That was totally his doing.
Sample Post:
I see what this is.
A tragic story, indeed. It's no wonder I've been called out here to investigate; clearly this is a cry for help. A cry for love and affection. You see, when a woman reaches a certain age, she starts to develop these "unnecessary feelings", and though she may try to stifle them and express her frustrations by kidnapping small children (and some not-so-small children), and forcing them to live in these unkempt conditions, living side by side with monsters and homosexuals note to self: don't drink the water, it will not make her desire go away.
Considering how long she has been coping with this disease, I think an immediate course of action should be planned. Though my normal prescription expires after two years, I believe I can improvise; I am, after all, the angel of healing.
Unfortunately, I must diagnose her with a terminal illness: The very deadly and very contagious Andheartssemicolonus. Common symptoms may include increased heart rate, a sudden increase in sadistic tendencies, (that is, if the rumors I heard about this horrid "no-sex rule" are true) irregular sleeping habits, and a lethal infestation of incredibly unhelpful zombies. That's right, don't think I don't see you over there. Take your rotting skin and your "I <3 Raphie-kun" posters elsewhere.
Now where was I? Oh yes. Since Miss Sayre is clearly suffering from these, so I would like any information you have on how long she has been harboring these symptoms and who else she may have spread it to. Andheartssemicolonus is much more deadly to females, so I would ask that any women, or rather, any attractive women a good doctor's got to have his standards, right? who think they may have caught the disease to please see me for a precautionary check-up at your most convenient date. I should warn you right now, my examinations are very thorough. Don't try to stop me, this is a dangerous mission, but you'll find I adapt easily in these circumstances. Sick as Miss Sayre may be, I am prepared for the worst possible outcome; I'm a humanitarian, after all, and I think it's pretty obvious that the current environment of this "camp" is doing nothing to aid her in the healing process. Now, if you would be so kind as to point me in her direction --
-- She's not here? You've got to be kidding me. Then where is she? She's the owner of this godforsaken place, right? ... I see. I suppose I'm in for a rather boring time, then. Alright, fine. Monsters and homosexuals, I'm your new counselor -- though for what I'm not entirely sure -- but don't come crying to me with your "iyan's" and "dame's" unless you've got the rack to back it up.
Character Name: Raphael
Series: Angel Sanctuary
Age: Pretty damn old. But looks like a youthful male model
Job: Camp Patron Saint
Canon: Incest, angels, demons, holy wars and philosophical debates about good and evil. Throw that all in a giant blender and toss in some Yuki Kaori art and you get Angel Sanctuary. Taking place in the far reaches of Heaven and Hell, the story follows Mudou Setsuna and his epic journey of trying to take back the soul of his sister from the afterworld.
In the heavens, we have Raphael, Archangel of Wind. He is renowned for his healing abilities and his reputation as a wanton womanizer, and often mixes both in a rousing game of ‘doctor’ with the women. And only women, I might add. With an air of pompousness, arrogance and a lot of dry sarcasm, he insists that all actions should benefit him in some manner. However in private, Raphael is seen to be a bit emotionally cynical to love due to some trauma in his past involving a lecherous hermaphrodite. Despite all that, he can be caring and protective of those close to him like his best-friend Michael, having the patience to deal with him blowing up rooms in his house and disrupting his booty calls.
Sample Post:
Everyone in this place really needs to shut up with their incessant pleas for help from up above. You’ve overloaded the systems in Heaven so they had to send me to calm you all down and figure some way of sorting things out. That's right, they had to send me, the great Archangel Raphael. The wise healer, the greatly revered one. Yes, your new patron saint is that very same angel you’ve only read about. So do be grateful because trust me, they rarely send people like me down here to do this sort of thing. Need to wail about the atrocities of camp? Why the trees won't stop touching you? Why that zombie is staring at you lovingly? Unfortunately, I'm here to listen to all that crap and then some. Maybe they just like you.
I'm not thrilled with the idea of being here. First off, there are too many men in this place. Gay men. As much as I would love to send you all back to wherever you come from and leave the ladies here all to myself, it's impossible. So let me just get one thing straight, I’m not and never going to be interested in your advances. Just my luck I end up in a flaming homosexual camp. And I don't mean the type of flaming Mika does. This has got to be some sort of divine punishment. Secondly, your rules about sex is just plain overkill. Even Adam and Eve were allowed to tussle behind the bushes in the Garden of Eden when bored. I would ask how you all survive, but I have a feeling that your protest against that rule is part of the reason I’m here in the first place.
So let’s get things moving. I am here after all, whether I like it or not, to listen to your requests and see if a holy intervention can do something for you. For those who want to stay here forever and ever? Congratulations, your wish is fulfilled; now get out of my sight. For everyone else, keep working on it. Your prayer levels are not high enough. And miracles don't come cheap, you know. Unless of course, you’re one of those beautiful ladies I see over there. I’d be more than happy to discuss in intimate detail how you could get your very own miracle. I’m sure we could strike a bargain somehow, as I can understand a mutual agreement. You rub my back, and I can do the same. After all, don’t you want to be touched by an angel?
Poll Vote!
AND NOW, FOR MORE AWESOME COUNSELORS.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. CLOSED.
Character Name: Tres Iqus
Series: Trinity Blood (manga)
Age: 27-28
Job: Personal Pleasure Enhancer Survival Instructor
Canon: Vampires and robots and priests, oh my! There's certainly no shortage of variety in thirtieth century Earth. In the aftermath of what is known as the Armageddon, the world is divided into two races that are constantly at odds with each other: the Methuselah and the Terrans, or vampires and humans. In order to keep the peace, the Roman Catholic Church has organized a special forces unit known as AX Division to carry out special missions for the Vatican as well as protect the innocent, be they human or vampire or otherwise.
One such member of this organization is Enforcement Officer Tres Iqus, code name "Gunslinger." Even if each AX operative is a special and unique snowflake, Tres is truly different as he is not a human but a machine. With impressive specs of enhanced sensors, insanely quick processors and reaction times, and able to leap small buildings in a single bound, no one would want to be caught in sight of Tres' guns. Giving no mercy to the sinner, Tres is emotionless, precise, factual to a fault, and can be . . . somewhat difficult to work with. But he can also be kind. Being a robot, it's hard to think of someone like Tres having a personality yet Tres displays instances of emotions and understanding. In such a colorful world full of shifting politics, Tres sees everything in black and white while also acknowledging that there is a gray area in-between that is open for interpretation.
Sample Entry:
Switching from investigative mode to transmit mode. Begin transmission.
AX field operative Gunslinger reporting in. I successfully entered the encampment 78.2 seconds ago with the use of the Lambda Unit Borehole Enzyme. The L.U.B.E. was very effective in penetration of the barrier. However, I was hampered in my initial attempts of transmission as the local plant life is particularly active. My supposition is that the vines are affected due to the toxins in the lake water. Requesting replacement of uniform pants upon return to Rome. As I have terminated the vegetal obstacle, I can now proceed in carrying out covert infiltration operations.
Phase One: data collection. Initial analysis of the surrounding area confirms that the Vatican has little to no influence here in ways of authority. Various signs asking "where is your god now?" are indicative enough of anarchy against the church. Preliminary reports indicate a dictatorship under Madam Elizabeth Sayre who insists that campers only need to follow a short list of rules if they wish to last their time here. Further investigation will be needed to identify the elusive Rule #34. It should be noted that Madam Sayre justifies her actions as a rape they didn't know they wanted.
Along with oppression, there is an astounding lack of health and welfare. Viruses are rampant and injuries are the norm. Indeed, the closest moving object detected is severely malnourished and in need of immediate medical treatment. Although the color is optimum for camouflage, a skin condition that severe is not conducive for prolonged existence. Possibility of detected entity being a Methuselah is considerable. However, there is no record of any creature, vampire or otherwise, able to hold its own cranium in its arms without fatal repercussions, let alone continued ability to communicate. Attempting now to overhear.
. . . Search reveals no definition of "I give good head." Will pursue inquiry at a later time.
After gathering this information, I can now move on to phase two: infiltration. Recent openings of employment lend an 87% success rate of my association with the Vatican going unnoticed so that we can proceed to usurp and arrest Madam Sayre on multiple charges. Survival Instructor is best counseling position suited to my abilities, but I am able to fulfill any position for an illimitable amount of time and--
Positive, I said any position, but your question of "all night long" does not compute. Please re-enter question.
--Further reporting will have to wait. There is detected movement heading in this direction coming from the lake area. Will establish contact again once I have integrated into the encampment's ranks. May God be with you and hold you in the palm of His hand.
. . . Negative, that is not meant to be literal. End transmission.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Urd
Series: Oh! My Goddess
Age: Appears 24
Job: Drug Dealer Control
Canon: One day there was a poor, starving college student who decided to order take-out. Too familiar, huh? We've been there. Keiichi Morisato had led an unlucky life until he dialed the wrong number and instead got the Goddess Assistance Agency, an agency that allows a goddess grant a mortal one wish. Thinking this was just a joke, he wished for the goddess, Belldandy, to stay with him forever, which means it's moving day for her! But life still wasn't all sunshine and happiness for the pair, as it wasn't long before the in-laws came knocking. Urd is Belldandy's older sister and decided to do the Right Big Sisterly Thing and support their relationship! After all, she's a wise, kind and sensitive goddess.
At least, when she's trying to be. The rest of the time, Urd is upfront, very personal and quite secure in the knowledge that she is One Sexy Chick, literally showing up in Keichii's house through a porno tape. Urd's hobbies include drugging people, getting smashed, meddling in relationships, and just messing around. Because Urd doesn't consider the consequences of her actions, her impulsiveness, coupled with her short temper, often gets her into trouble. But all in all, Urd means well, she's just not afraid to have a little fun while getting the end to justify the means.
Sample Entry:
Good morning, citizens! The sun is shining, the birds are singing, the plants are especially frisky and today marks the start of a CHANGE in this encampment. But you want to know about me? Well, I'm sexy, cute and popular to boot! The name is Urd and I'm here to get some action STARTED into this place. Said action may or may not be good for your immediate sanity, but I really am here to help~
But we probably have different definitions of 'help', no? Well, my definition doesn't involve any bratty kids with snotty noses. Personally, I'd rather deal with something exciting, like identity theft, torrid affairs, tearing people's ribcages open or sweet romantic friendship... with benefits ♥
But a wish is a wish, and I just so happened to be paying off a favor to the Goddess Assistance Agency when somehow this crazy lady got our number and... well, the rest is history. I don't know what you kids have been getting up to, but whatever it was it was bad enough that you needed me to come by and fix it. And seeing as my job is drug control, which one of you was stupid enough to rummage through the medicine closets without supervision? I believe this piece of paper here says something about love goo-- Wait. 'Love' goo?
Ohohohohoho, tell me more. What was it made of? Did it taste strange? Cause diarrhea? I can give you something for that, by the way, and for that terrible addiction to brains you seem to have. It hasn't been tested on animals, humans, or really anything at all, but I'm pretty sure the side effects won't be permanently damaging. Think of it as a generous contribution generations to come will thank you for! ....I'm sure there's somewhere an ear falling off means consent. Two cures coming up!
...uh. Your arm going neon green is just a small allergic reaction, I'm sure it will go away in no time. So let's just wait for that to PROPERLY go through your system and get back to you kids messing with the meds: No touchy. If you pick the wrong one, well. No one wants to be a frog for the rest of their lives, right? Even if it looks like it'd actually be an improvement for some of you. I hope that's as clear as crystal~
So now that's all dealt with, who needs counseling from a responsible adult? A dilemma or two or twenty that needs fixing? Come on, one of you must at least want some viagra to spice up your life, right? Or at least something to avoid pregnancy? Anyone willing to be experimented on say 'wha?'. AHA! Gotcha! No no, I'm ignoring you now, so be quiet like a good boy, I have to find out if you'll be fit for the program ♥ What's your thoughts on anally receiving the medicine? Slight noncon? There's nothing slight about this~ But I suppose you're right, this should wait until later, since I'm addressing an audience. Now what was I saying? Ah yes.
Drink your milk, stay in school, and don't do drugs. Unless they're from me. ♥
Poll Vote!
Character: Cornelia li Britannia
Series: Code Geass
Character Age: 27
Job Description: Head of the Anti-Terrorism Division (but really, Glorified Exterminator)
Canon: All Hail Pizza Hut Britannia, the Holy Empire that wants YOU ... to submit to its whims, abandon your nationality, accept one of the Emperor's myriad children as your leader and take a number. With an impressive arsenal of roller skating mechas and a third of the world beneath its command, Britannia has delivered this fate to a great many nations, including the series' setting: Japan, aka Area 11.
Currently (and freshly) at the head of Area 11 sits the "Witch of Britannia" -- second princess Cornelia. As its Governor-General, this talented warrior and tactician rules over the tumultuous nation with skill, intensity, a touch of ruthlessness and good old fashioned elbow grease, overseeing many operations as a combatant herself. Fearless, dominating and proud, Cornelia makes it consistently clear that she's a force to be reckoned with. Despite all obstacles, she stands in firm command, giving her all and demanding the same from everyone else, to a point where she can be completely harsh in the face of disappointment. In the same regard, she's usually quick to offer praise when praise is due (there are, of course, some exceptions), believes strongly in a subjective sense of honor, and outright refuses to place her life above those of her soldiers.
When off-duty and surrounded by friends and family, however, Cornelia's just a typical 27-year-old woman who happens to be a badass mecha-piloting princess with 107 stepmothers, 17 siblings and a father with a wee bit of a God complex -- no biggie. She blushes furiously over big brother Schneizel's grand praises, teases Euphemia about her weight and takes the time to smile at life's littlest pleasures.
Cornelia is being apped from the end of episode 21.
Sample Post:
So, you're the team who's recently surpassed the Vatican Labs to reach the forefront of the UST industry? How surprising. I'm told greater men then you have begged to be relieved after mere weeks in similar positions, and to hear some of you have been here for two years... Well, it's the military's hope that you'll have conquered this resource's unstable nature as well as you have the field by the time your project closes. They believe your results will be of infinite valuable once the threat of premature explosions is eliminated.
Due to this increase in military interest, I, Cornelia, have come to ensure that your work here remains a Level One secret. However... your ignorance is a disappointment. You are irresponsible. You have been careless. You live in constant threat of invasion, and yet the number of penetrable points here is almost inconceivable. Fools! What of security? Protection? The situation will prove catastrophic if your research falls into unskilled hands, yet there are no measures in place prevent this from happening!
And now, one group who refer to themselves the Air Force, is on the verge of taking action. Though many of their local members have yet to prove themselves familiar with basic concepts of organization and strategy, the group itself outnumbers you and takes pride in being equipped for "prompt and sustained offensive and defensive air operations". Preliminary reports also state that they are strongly combat-oriented, and indicate that your work with UST is very relevant to their interests. Dealing with them will not be easy. Fortunately, they've provided us with a break. Their progress is being hindered by constant debates on whether UST will bring them the gaiety they seek, and they've grown lax in their defenses. This is an opportunity. If we take advantage of this and strike their smaller, rear camps while they're distracted, dominance of this area should once again be yours. The rest should be easy.
For this to be successful, the assistance of every able-bodied worker, resident and test subject is required. I understand that many here are without significant combat experience and must rely on the execution of weak motions that lack technique. This is unacceptable. I will not have anyone's life here placed on such a dangerous line, leaving me with no choice but to personally see to your training. If you'll take out those ancient relics you're all equipped with, we'll begin with proper grip before moving onto timing and aim.
I trust you will all rise to the occasion.
Poll Vote!
Character: Daisuke Jigen
Series: Lupin III
Character Age: Unknown. Fan guesses range between late 30s-mid 40s.
Job: In charge of Complaints Desk.
Canon: A thief famous for his quick draw and uncanny aim, Jigen is more a man of action than a man of words. This attitude puts him in great contrast to his more flamboyant partner, Lupin III. This doesn't mean he's above letting the thief know when he's being foolish, especially when it comes to dealings with certain untrustworthy females.
While he has a rather rough (and sometimes downright surly) outer shell, once you gain his trust and loyalty you have it for life. In spite of being an ace at his work, he's just as happy napping on a couch with good booze and a cigarette as he is pulling off a heist. Kind of like a housecat in a fedora.
Sample Post:
OK. Let's get one thing straight: I don't care.
Yeah, I know what that sign in front of me says. 'Complaints Desk'. It's reaaaaal cute. Downright folksy, even. The hand-painted daisies and happy little birds carrying extracted human eyeballs are a nice touch. Is that dripping blood crimson or indian red? Psh. In any case, ignore it. I'm a gunman! Is that crystal enough for ya? I didn't spend years risking my ass dodging mob bullets on the streets of Chicago to listen to a bunch of brats whine about angsty teenage crap. I'm guessin' that broad that's got my balls in a vice and my favorite gun in a lockbox is the one who made the sign. Feh. I may not give a rat's ass about your problems, but I'll sure as hell give you some advice: Women are trouble. Especially the good looking ones. Should've known somethin' was fishy when my escort was literally a friggin' gorilla.
Hmph. Well, since it looks like I'm stuck here for awhile: Name's Daisuke Jigen. Just call me Jigen. In spite of my best attempts to axe it, the damn complaints box seems to have grown back during my second afternoon nap and ... what the hell? There's a note inside?
"I am rather unhappy with the fact various things keep trying to eat me."
Look, it's like Roosevelt's wife said: "Nobody can eat you without your permission".
Yeah, OK. That's not exactly how that bit goes but the spirit's still the same. The bottom line is it's a dog-eat-dog -- erm, it's an everything-eat-you world out there. You give it an inch, it's gonna chew all over you. So you've gotta show nature who's boss. Smack it around a little. Take these zombies for example: Now, they'll have y'believe that they're nothing but unstoppable killing machines that can't be communicated with. That's a load of bolonga; if they can say 'brains' they can sure as hell say 'Jigen' and they're gonna learn to call me that by the end of the week. If they don't, you're gonna be able to sift gravel with their heads, if you catch my drift. Hmm, there's another note...
"No sex, no booze... I'm going to go crazy!"
Psssssh. Sex. Again, nothin' but trouble. Take a friend of mine for exa-- wait. What's that second part?
Whaddya mean 'NO BOOZE'?!
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Allen Ridgeley
Series: Xenosaga Trilogy
Age: 26
Job: Live Bait Marcy's Midnight Snack Fishing Instructor
Canon:The futuristic Universe of Xenosaga is at a turning point; the threatening interdimensional aliens known as the Gnosis have begun to attack the space-dwelling remnants of humanity in droves unlike those ever seen before. The last line of defense, beyond the reach of any organization, are a group of young, brave souls, compelled to pilot giant robots with mysterious power sources.
Posessing no robot to pilot, and being well past the age of twenty, Allen Ridgeley is the hero of nothing, and the protagonist of jack squat. Instead, the Assistant Chief Engineer of Vector R&D First Division's Project KOS-MOS is a fellow of gentle means. He is intelligent. He is precise in his technical abilities. He is also an utter pushover, hesitant to the last when it comes to making decisive actions, exasperated by the risky behavior of his character-shielded cohorts, and is laughed off by his friends for his general social awkwardness, support him though they do.
Deep down, Allen's dearest wish is to prove his feelings and intentions as a man; not only to his comrades, but also to his boss, Chief Engineer and game protagonist Shion Uzuki, for whom he has carried a steadfast torch since they began working together nearly three years prior.
(Allen is taken from somewhere after the end of Episode II. Mention of Vector's head honcho is made with the player's permission.)
Sample Entry:
I'm not saying it was a bad thing that Vector's Second Division agreed to have a test batch of fish-finders shipped out to some summer camp. I didn't think the CEO would take such an interest in it, either, though I guess even the higher-ups can enjoy a bit of baiting and hooking once in a while.
But you've got to be kidding me! I don't know what they've been teaching you in this retreat, but you don't fish with a shotgun. That breaks so many basic fisherman's rules that I don't even know where to begin! There's the noise, to begin with - and the surface tension of the water destroying any projectile's chance of reaching a target in time - and the fact it's the least-sportsmanlike thing you could do in your spare time. It's not about mindless carnage! Mindless carnage is hardly relaxing!
...
Of course I'm begging to differ! The peace of mind that you're supposed to feel after a day at the lake is the one unbreakable rule, even more important than whether you catch anything or not. The handbooks you've got should have it down somewhere -- there, Rule Number Thirty-Four, you'll see what I mean! ... What?! No, no, wrong handbooks! Why in the world would you want to see that about marine life?!
... Okay, let's try this again. Good morning, campers. My name is Allen Ridgeley, and I've been assigned to your camp to oversee the demonstration of Vector's PIS-COS Icthyometronometer 2.0 Bet(t)a. Fishing in general is probably one of the more relaxing pastimes out there. It's practically next to book-keeping, or -- 'watching grass grow'? Hey, that's taking it a little too far...
Our equipment here is going to be pretty far removed from the antique block-and-tackle I saw in your storage units; these are some serious poles. If you hear hear a 'ticky' sound coming from the device's central box, that means that you've just activated their proximity sensors. So please, everyone, be careful handling your rods - they're very sensitive. At the slightest touch, they could go off without warning.
Now grasp your lures carefully, everyone. It may sound horrible - I'm afraid it'll have to be this way until the shipment of artificial bait arrives - but you're going to have to impale these worms on your hooks, very carefully. You'll, uh, have to ignore the "iyaaaan, fishhook sobold" noises. Now, cast! Once you see your depth indicator drop -- like this -- that means something's caught the end of your line. Pull as quickly as you can, with an even tension on the handcrank; this is no time to be dropping threads, everyone! Your catch should be up any moment after, and -- there! Got it!
Now, take a look at that! Isn't she a beau--dwaaah!
Oh, no, this is a disaster, how am I gonna work with this?! -- Stay calm, Allen, what would the Chief say if she knew how to fish? Stay calm, think professional, think--
Ahh-- campers? What are your thoughts on calamari?
Poll Vote!
Character name: Raphael
Series: Angel Sanctuary
Age: Looks to be in mid-twenties, actual age rather old.
Job: UST Monitor
Canon: Angel Sanctuary is the story of why True Love Conquers All. Oh, and some stuff about angels and demons and religious politics.
As the best friend to the infamous great angel of fire Michael, Raphael, the angel of wind, is intelligent, handsome, powerful, and has great fashion sense -- but he could care less about all that unless you're a pretty lady and all that crap makes you hot for his body. Secretly, however, Raphael has little respect for women. He thinks of them as playthings that briefly entertain him, and often remarks on how bored he is. Though he may use pretty words to woo a girl he's interested in, the second Michael shows up to crash the party, he'll drop all pretenses and leave them behind for his best friend, turning him into a sarcastic, cold and disinterested jerk.
Oh, and the whole 'Mika-chan' thing? That was totally his doing.
Sample Post:
I see what this is.
A tragic story, indeed. It's no wonder I've been called out here to investigate; clearly this is a cry for help. A cry for love and affection. You see, when a woman reaches a certain age, she starts to develop these "unnecessary feelings", and though she may try to stifle them and express her frustrations by kidnapping small children (and some not-so-small children), and forcing them to live in these unkempt conditions, living side by side with monsters and homosexuals note to self: don't drink the water, it will not make her desire go away.
Considering how long she has been coping with this disease, I think an immediate course of action should be planned. Though my normal prescription expires after two years, I believe I can improvise; I am, after all, the angel of healing.
Unfortunately, I must diagnose her with a terminal illness: The very deadly and very contagious Andheartssemicolonus. Common symptoms may include increased heart rate, a sudden increase in sadistic tendencies, (that is, if the rumors I heard about this horrid "no-sex rule" are true) irregular sleeping habits, and a lethal infestation of incredibly unhelpful zombies. That's right, don't think I don't see you over there. Take your rotting skin and your "I <3 Raphie-kun" posters elsewhere.
Now where was I? Oh yes. Since Miss Sayre is clearly suffering from these, so I would like any information you have on how long she has been harboring these symptoms and who else she may have spread it to. Andheartssemicolonus is much more deadly to females, so I would ask that any women, or rather, any attractive women a good doctor's got to have his standards, right? who think they may have caught the disease to please see me for a precautionary check-up at your most convenient date. I should warn you right now, my examinations are very thorough. Don't try to stop me, this is a dangerous mission, but you'll find I adapt easily in these circumstances. Sick as Miss Sayre may be, I am prepared for the worst possible outcome; I'm a humanitarian, after all, and I think it's pretty obvious that the current environment of this "camp" is doing nothing to aid her in the healing process. Now, if you would be so kind as to point me in her direction --
-- She's not here? You've got to be kidding me. Then where is she? She's the owner of this godforsaken place, right? ... I see. I suppose I'm in for a rather boring time, then. Alright, fine. Monsters and homosexuals, I'm your new counselor -- though for what I'm not entirely sure -- but don't come crying to me with your "iyan's" and "dame's" unless you've got the rack to back it up.
Character Name: Raphael
Series: Angel Sanctuary
Age: Pretty damn old. But looks like a youthful male model
Job: Camp Patron Saint
Canon: Incest, angels, demons, holy wars and philosophical debates about good and evil. Throw that all in a giant blender and toss in some Yuki Kaori art and you get Angel Sanctuary. Taking place in the far reaches of Heaven and Hell, the story follows Mudou Setsuna and his epic journey of trying to take back the soul of his sister from the afterworld.
In the heavens, we have Raphael, Archangel of Wind. He is renowned for his healing abilities and his reputation as a wanton womanizer, and often mixes both in a rousing game of ‘doctor’ with the women. And only women, I might add. With an air of pompousness, arrogance and a lot of dry sarcasm, he insists that all actions should benefit him in some manner. However in private, Raphael is seen to be a bit emotionally cynical to love due to some trauma in his past involving a lecherous hermaphrodite. Despite all that, he can be caring and protective of those close to him like his best-friend Michael, having the patience to deal with him blowing up rooms in his house and disrupting his booty calls.
Sample Post:
Everyone in this place really needs to shut up with their incessant pleas for help from up above. You’ve overloaded the systems in Heaven so they had to send me to calm you all down and figure some way of sorting things out. That's right, they had to send me, the great Archangel Raphael. The wise healer, the greatly revered one. Yes, your new patron saint is that very same angel you’ve only read about. So do be grateful because trust me, they rarely send people like me down here to do this sort of thing. Need to wail about the atrocities of camp? Why the trees won't stop touching you? Why that zombie is staring at you lovingly? Unfortunately, I'm here to listen to all that crap and then some. Maybe they just like you.
I'm not thrilled with the idea of being here. First off, there are too many men in this place. Gay men. As much as I would love to send you all back to wherever you come from and leave the ladies here all to myself, it's impossible. So let me just get one thing straight, I’m not and never going to be interested in your advances. Just my luck I end up in a flaming homosexual camp. And I don't mean the type of flaming Mika does. This has got to be some sort of divine punishment. Secondly, your rules about sex is just plain overkill. Even Adam and Eve were allowed to tussle behind the bushes in the Garden of Eden when bored. I would ask how you all survive, but I have a feeling that your protest against that rule is part of the reason I’m here in the first place.
So let’s get things moving. I am here after all, whether I like it or not, to listen to your requests and see if a holy intervention can do something for you. For those who want to stay here forever and ever? Congratulations, your wish is fulfilled; now get out of my sight. For everyone else, keep working on it. Your prayer levels are not high enough. And miracles don't come cheap, you know. Unless of course, you’re one of those beautiful ladies I see over there. I’d be more than happy to discuss in intimate detail how you could get your very own miracle. I’m sure we could strike a bargain somehow, as I can understand a mutual agreement. You rub my back, and I can do the same. After all, don’t you want to be touched by an angel?
Poll Vote!