(no subject)
HAVE SOME MORE APPS. Also, we're finishing up the weeding, but. You know. We're going so fast that it really is pretty minimal.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed~
Character: Gremio
Series: Suikoden I
Character Age: 27
Job: Mother Hen
Canon: Once upon a time, there was a nice well-adjusted family that ate together, worked for the government together and generally lived together in an emo-free environment. Then it all went to hell. Throw in a plot-line about a deadly magic rune and overthrowing a corrupt government and you have Suikoden.
Gremio is the stand in mother to the Hero of the game, having raised the boy from a baby. As such, he's more than a bit overprotective, but he's also loyal, emotional, sentimental, kind, stubborn, and a really good cook. He does stutter when he gets excited or nervous, but he's also the type to do silly things like threaten his teammates as a way to get past the local border patrol. Given a choice, Gremio will be in the kitchen making a pot of stew while bugging the rest of the household into taking care of themselves.
Sample Post:
I-Is everyone alright? This doesn't seem like a healthy village. The cabins are rather poorly made, the streets are unpaved, and the children are running around in wet socks! Who could get a moments rest without thinking that you've lost your mind here? At the very least, I hope you've been eating healthy meals when the chance arises.
And speaking of taking care of yourselves, I'm sure you're all good boys and girls who clean your rooms and go to bed at a decent time, despite how this place is run. Not that the Director isn't treating you well! It is just that I was sooooo worried about what it would be like here, but none of you seem to be drinking six-packs of medicine behind the mess hall or picking fights with the local kobolds.
Ah! But where are my manners, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Gremio, and I've been hired to work here as something of a child minder and general caretaker of sorts. One of the things I'm supposed to do is kitchen work, so I brought a few recipes. How do you feel about stew? I have a shopping list here which should have all the key ingredients...Let's see, where did I put it? Ah, here we are: aspirin, pirated music, condoms...
W-wait, t-t-this isn't my list! I'm certain she wouldn't...Who would want such outlandish things? I must have misplaced my my shopping list. T-though, would you happen to know what a 'condom' is? It says here that the Trojan variety in particular offer a large amount of protection...would it be sold in an armor shop? I imagine that defensive items would be very popular here. One can see in a single glance that monsters have almost overrun the place.
In any case, I am fairly certain a condom isn't anything that could go in stew. Ah no, I won't be sharing my recipe, either--I'm a firm believer of keeping it in the family.
Poll Vote!
Character: Livio the Doublefang
Series: Trigun Maximum
Age: Unknown, but appears to be in his early thirties
Job: Bodyguard (for hire)
Canon: Trigun Maximum is the story Vash the Stampede, harbinger of Love!, Peace!, and all that other good stuff. But what's a hero without a group of bad ass gunslingers around making his life hell?
Introducing Livio: fast, powerful, and nearly invincible --to the point that he can be shot, maimed, even hit with a missile and heal instantly-- he was the pride and joy of the cult-ish assassin group the Eye of Michael, as well as a valued member of the Gung-ho-Guns. Merciless and completely devoted to his master, Livio was little more then a living weapon until getting his ass handed to him in a fight and being shown the errors of his ways.
Now on the side of good and free of his former life, Livio hopes to atone for some of his past deeds by helping save the world. And as it turns out, beneath that solemn and serious personality the guy is really just a socially retarded little dork that spazzes out, cries, and pisses off his transsexual opponents by refusing to fight until his cowboy hat and cloak are firmly in place (claiming they make him twice as strong. Yeah.).
Of course, it should be noted that despite Livio's happy turn around, his split personality, Razlo, is still completely insane and wants to rip you apart tooth and nail. But sometimes, you just can't win them all.
Sample Entry:
Uh, hi. Due to my lack of experience with public speaking, I've been provided a script to follow that outlines the details of my position:
'Campers! Are you pissed off at that psychopath for killing you four times in a row? Upset that Mr. Rape-face gets his kicks from messing you up? Wish someone would just step forward and fight your battles for you? WELL, now for a small fee this dream can become YOUR reality. Along with the added bonus of all the profits going towards camp and the Director-'
--All right, never mind. You can put the guns down now, thank you. I'll admit I'm not very familiar with speeches, but judging by your reactions maybe I should take it from here. My name is Livio and, according to the job description, I'm here to act as a bodyguard for anyone who 'needs an adult'. Despite what the note says, you don't actually have to worry about any fees. I would consider it an honour to be of help to any one of you, and to me, that's payment enough. Besides, this place seems to be doing pretty well as it is; all of those 'so now you're gay' pamphlets being passed around couldn't have been cheap.
In any case, I've fought some pretty powerful opponents in the past and came out as the last man standing, so I think I can be counted on. I'm not sure how many of you will actually need my protection, considering the zombies here don't seem like they'd be a problem to anyone who can speed walk. But if you seek me out I'll do my best to insure you're safety, be it from other campers, lake monsters, or… fondling trees? Er. I think that one's on you.
Are there any questions? Yes, group of gorillas. Ah, you want to help me settle in by selling me new equipment? Uh, thank you, it's a nice offer, but that's really not necessary. Yes, even if the boots do give me plus four response agility and the belt reduces post rape by twenty percent, I think what I have on me will work just fine. My own hat and cloak even make me twice as strong!
…You want to test that. I don't think -hey wait! Don't just walk away! And did you just pull that rocket launcher out of your--
'Fire ze missile', right. I think you kids might want to stand back, this could get ACKBfwtaflanjvn…
...........
Er, it's all right, I'm fine, you can stop screaming now. No, no, you don't have to get a doctor. See? I got better.
Poll Vote!
Character: Zoe Alleyne Washburne
Series: Firefly
Character Age: 33
Job: Domestic Arts Instructor
Canon: Firefly is a heartwarming, epic tale about the complexities of good and evil, noble behavior in the face of adversity, and... okay, maybe it's not about all that, exactly. But it's got spaceships and cowboys and hookers, so it can't be all bad. The series and feature film follow the crew of the Firefly-class ship, Serenity, on adventures of varying levels of legality. Hey, just because they're smugglers doesn't mean they're bad people!
Zoe is Mal's second-in-command and also Wash's wife and tops damn near everybody on board Serenity. She's a warrior woman who shows no hesitation in battle, and remains calm when the fighting heats up. She's also unflinchingly loyal to the people who matter. Zoe is frequently serious and terse, but can also quippy, snarky, and even maternal. Warrior women are perhaps not the most domestic of wives, but Zoe and her hubby have mutual respect and affection for one another, despite the fact that said hubby can sometimes be a bonehead. Sometimes. But he's great in bed, so it's okay.
Zoe will be taken post-Serenity.
Sample Post:
Hello, everyone. Name's Zoe. I'm here at Camp Fuck You Die ain't never been in a place tells you that straight out before to teach you everything you need to to survive -- and keep survivin' -- here. That there means tactics. Firin' blindly only works if you've got luck on your side, but if you had luck on your side, you wouldn't be here. There's all manner of man and beast in them swamps, and runnin' away screamin' like a little girl ain't gonna... What do you mean, "read from the script"? I never got a-- Oh.
...Hello, campers, and welcome to your first wonderf-- wonderful? Right. Your first, uh, wonderful step down a road of ... domestic discovery? In this class you'll learn dozens of helpful tips designed to make you the best housewife -- or house...husband? -- you can be. In Domestic-- What? I'll read the gorramn script, but I don't have to like it. In Domestic Arts you'll learn how to... prepare and host a seven-course dinner party. Also, you'll learn to memorize and integrate the following useful tenets into your life. I reckon this'll be interestin'.
Never ask your husband questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity.
What in the... This can't be serious. 'Less it had somethin' to do with flyin', you can bet your ass I questioned him if I thought he'd lost his damn mind. Good thing, too, considerin' how often he lost it.
Always allow him to talk first -- remember, what he has to say is far more important than what you have to tell him.
Oh, I don't think so.
A good wife knows her place--
Wait just a ruttin' minute. Who in the hell wrote this gorramn piece of go-se? If this is someone's idea of a joke, we need to down and have a nice little talk wherein I get convinced it's a bad idea to blow someone's fool head off. All right, to hell with the script. Them words ain't worth more than the paper they're on.
Attention, campers. You ain't gonna learn to cook here, that there's for certain. I don't cook. Leastwise I don't cook nothin' but soup, and one kinda soup at that. And, no, I ain't gonna teach you how to make it.
Now, if bein' a good wife and partner means knowin' how to get your husband back from a crimelord mostly unbroken and with both his ears still attached, then I can teach you how to do that. If I'm feelin' charitable, you might even learn how to take a bullet out of a man's leg. Because, far as I see it, bein' a good wife and partner ain't got nothin' to do with followin' a script. It ain't always an art, and it sure as hell ain't always domestic.
And the very last thing I plan on teaching anyone is how to obey.
Poll Vote!
Character: Ichimaru Gin
Series: Bleach
Character Age: Unknown, probably hundreds of years older than your momma, but appears somewhere in his mid-late twenties
Job: Counselor in Charge of Camper Complaints
Canon: Telling the heartfelt story of the magical boy Ichigo and his massive penis sword, Bleach is your typical shounen series. Boy sees ghosts. Boy meets girl. Boy finds out girl is ghost who gives boy super massive ultimate Shinigami powers that force Boy to save the world…again and again and again.
Ichimaru Gin just happens to be one of those nasty little bad guys who threatens the peace, justice, and love that Ichigo et al stand for. When introduced in the manga, Gin works as the third division captain and an excellent red herring, because with a face like his, who wouldn't think he's evil? However, as certain events come to pass, the crew realizes that he's still an evil bastard, but more of an evil bastard right hand man than an evil genius. Though malicious and devious, he generally hides this with a smiling and, at times, playful demeanor, making it hard for anyone to tell exactly what Gin's plotting.
App Note: Gin speaks in Kansai-ben, which has been equated with Southern, Midwestern, and New York accents. Since none of the above are really all that similar, the app has been written with a more generic accent to try and capture his speech patterns.
Sample Post:
Arara…looks like th' boss keeps getting more an' more interestin' allies. Here I thought his little Spanish bout was just a phase, but when he reads what th' livin' folks've been sayin' bout those Americans he just couldn't help his curiosity.
So when he says jump, how can I say anythin' but how high? An don't call me one t'question his judgement, but you'd think that plottin' th' destruction of th' known world would bring you t'deal with people slightly more devious than a camp director! I hear th' showers bleed, th' lake's a little infested, but how bad can it be when these cute little buggers're there t'bring you back from th-oh. Well. You're certainly a lucky little bunch, gettin' your own instant resurrection here, aren't you? Think I might've figured just what th' boss was so interested in~
And here I was 'bout t'ignore th' lovely job Miss Director's given me, but a little extra work never killed th' ones who're already dead. Miss Director's even been so kind as t'give me everythin' I need t'get th' job done.
So, hello t'you, Camp Fuck You Die. I'm Ichimaru Gin, your new counselor in charge of fieldin' complaints. And since Miss Director seems t'care so much 'bout your feedback, she's given me a few gorillas t'assist me.
Now no need t'be afraid of them, they're just in charge of distributin' th' surveys. Miss Director seems to have noticed some of your preferences and has made th' surveys what you seem t'call ticky boxes. She seems t'be quite prepared for all circumstances too, askin' how you feel about Affirmative Action in camp applications, whether you'd like satin, silk, or cotton for your innadressin', and what cut of meat y'like in th' Tuesday Soup, options say feet, hands, or special, you lucky little boys and girls! Oh, seems to be one more written real tiny down at th' bottom here, "Did you kill my fiancé Y/N?" My my, that sounds pretty scandalous!
Now personally I'm not too fond of any of th' above, but Miss Director knows you better'n I do, so we'll just count on her t'keep you happy. Once you're done with th' survey you can just stick them right here in th'box she's been so kind as to provide.
Oh? Th' box's shut? Well that's odd. Lemme just check…oh! Seems Miss Director's left me some instructions. Says right here...
Step one. Cut a hole in th' box.
Step two. Put complaints in th' box.
Step three. Throw th' box in th' lake.
Well, there y'go. A simple hole's nothing too hard, and th' note says here once you're done they're t'be analyzed by Marcy Data Services: th' best in in-depth, penetrating survey analysis. So there y'are! Don't be wastin' your time, you've gotta ticky it up, boys an' girls!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Sakata "Gin" Gintoki
Series: Gintama
Age: mid-20s
Job: Financial Advisor
Canon: Gintama takes place in a feudal Japan where the samurai became obsolete after aliens (Amanto) invaded twenty years ago. The Amanto brought with them incredibly advanced technology, weird creatures from all over the universe, and a total ban on swords.
Enter our hero, Sakata Gintoki. Once upon a time he was a badass samurai known far and wide as the "White Demon" as he fought to keep the alien invaders out of Edo. He's still pretty badass, but nowadays he mostly spends his time attempting (and failing) to pay his monthly rent with the help of his "sidekicks" Kagura and Shinpachi. The three of them will do pretty much anything for cash, from taking odd jobs around Edo to staging fake exorcisms to attempting to convince Shinpachi to sell his organs on the black market.
Laid-back and irresponsible, Gin's not the greatest role model ever. He ditches epic fights so that he can get home in time for his soaps, spends most of his cash feeding his addictions to Shounen Jump and sugar, and breaks the fourth wall on a regular basis. Gin may sound like a jerk with really odd thought processes, and, well, he is. But he's still an honorable guy who cares about his friends and will help out anyone in trouble. Just as long as they can pay.
Sample Entry
Y'know, when I found an insert inside this week's Shounen Jump advertising a Super Special One-Time Only offer, I though it was gonna be for something like a free pair of x-ray specs, not a job in some camp. And after reading the camp description, I really didn't think I was going to be hired as the "Financial Adviser." I was expecting the job to be more along the lines of pet control-keeping the cephalopod from the outer reaches of space from eating campers, that sort of thing. I even had the perfect recipe for fried squid in mind.
Not that I'm complaining. I've only been here a few minutes, but I can already tell that advising kids on financial stuff is really preferable to going one-on-how-ever-many-arms-that-thing-has with your buddy in the lake. I'll be able to enjoy the free food and chance to be far, far away from my landlady on the day my rent is due without developing a fear of tentacles.
… ah, right, the advice. Well, according to experts like the guys on the home shopping network, making a budget is the key to being responsible with your money. Only buy what you need. Prioritize your spending, like contestants prioritize who lives or dies on those survivor island shows. Only the strongest and most important purchases should survive and make it to the final round.
But what if you don't have any money to be responsible with? Well, unless you're dating a really rich old lady, you'll probably have to get a job. Around here, I'd suggest something like gorilla groomer or toucan trainer. Not only is alliteration always a plus on resumes, but they'll prepare you for the possible abuse in your future career. Though if that doesn't sound too appealing, you may be tempted to do what this zombie has done-- sell your kidneys, lungs, and 3/4 of your body to science. Honestly, I don't recommend this. Sell only one kidney and 2/7 of your body, and keep the lungs.
My final piece of advice is to know important details about your employer before applying. Anyone hoping to work under zombies should be aware that non-eating contracts with them have the rotten habit of falling apart. Gorilla groomers should know if the purple is natural or a dye job. And if your potential employer is a psychotic woman in charge of a facility with an impenetrable barrier, try to find out ahead of time.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Zaraki Kenpachi
Series: Bleach
Age: ...th' hell'm I supposed to know? a few centuries
Job: Mediator/Dispute Resolution
Canon: What do you get when you combine a strawberry with a giant sword and a common household cleaning chemical? A story about lots and lots of dead people.
One of the many aforemention dead people, Kenpachi is about what you'd get if you took your average shounen retard and had him grow up without learning all those fluffy life lessons about friendship and trust and believing in the heart of the cards yourself. He just likes to cut shit, and likes it even better when it tries to cut him back. In fact, he likes getting a good fight so much he even gives himself handicaps just to make things more fun. Captain of the fight-crazy 11th division, he might not be the sharpest zanpakutou in the Seireitei, when something needs killing there's none who do it better or with more fervor... at least when he's not giving piggyback rides to his pink-haired second in command.
Sample Post:
Tch, th' hell's with this place? Givin' it a name like "Fuck You Die" an' ain't found nothin' t' live up to it. Don't matter how many 'f those zombie bastards ya got if they can't fight worth crap. Che, must've killed more 'n nine thousand 'f th' damn things an' I ain't even warmed up yet.
Oi! Th' name's Zaraki Kenpachi, an' if there's anyone in this damn place who thinks they can put up a fight then get yer ass over here and show me what ya got, jus' ain't any fun fightin' a bunch 'f weaklings. Yer director-lady said there'd be somethin' worth fightin' 'round here if-- what d'ya want? If ya ain't here t' fight y' can jus'-- th' hell ya mean th' director said I hafta mediate yer problem before I can fight anythin'? Jus' 'cos that damn woman says... Che, fine, but I ain't doin' this fer yer sake, so ya better be quick with it.
...
Aw, I ain't got the time fer this mediatin' crap. Oi, listen up! Either ya agree on somethin' an' quit wastin' my time, or I'll jus' cut th' both of ya. Fair nuff, ain't it? --th' hell're ya complainin' about now? I'm jus' supposed to resolve yer damn arguments, ain't nobody ever said how I gotta resolve 'em. An' oi, I jus' did my part, if ya ain't got somethin' worth fightin' I don't give a damn. So ya got somethin' fer me t' fight or what?
...th' hell? Yer jokin', right? Somethin' that puny ain't worth even botherin' t' step on! An' I don't care if it got in a fight with some snake, there's gotta be somethin' better than battlin' some damn little crab.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed~
Character: Gremio
Series: Suikoden I
Character Age: 27
Job: Mother Hen
Canon: Once upon a time, there was a nice well-adjusted family that ate together, worked for the government together and generally lived together in an emo-free environment. Then it all went to hell. Throw in a plot-line about a deadly magic rune and overthrowing a corrupt government and you have Suikoden.
Gremio is the stand in mother to the Hero of the game, having raised the boy from a baby. As such, he's more than a bit overprotective, but he's also loyal, emotional, sentimental, kind, stubborn, and a really good cook. He does stutter when he gets excited or nervous, but he's also the type to do silly things like threaten his teammates as a way to get past the local border patrol. Given a choice, Gremio will be in the kitchen making a pot of stew while bugging the rest of the household into taking care of themselves.
Sample Post:
I-Is everyone alright? This doesn't seem like a healthy village. The cabins are rather poorly made, the streets are unpaved, and the children are running around in wet socks! Who could get a moments rest without thinking that you've lost your mind here? At the very least, I hope you've been eating healthy meals when the chance arises.
And speaking of taking care of yourselves, I'm sure you're all good boys and girls who clean your rooms and go to bed at a decent time, despite how this place is run. Not that the Director isn't treating you well! It is just that I was sooooo worried about what it would be like here, but none of you seem to be drinking six-packs of medicine behind the mess hall or picking fights with the local kobolds.
Ah! But where are my manners, I forgot to introduce myself. My name is Gremio, and I've been hired to work here as something of a child minder and general caretaker of sorts. One of the things I'm supposed to do is kitchen work, so I brought a few recipes. How do you feel about stew? I have a shopping list here which should have all the key ingredients...Let's see, where did I put it? Ah, here we are: aspirin, pirated music, condoms...
W-wait, t-t-this isn't my list! I'm certain she wouldn't...Who would want such outlandish things? I must have misplaced my my shopping list. T-though, would you happen to know what a 'condom' is? It says here that the Trojan variety in particular offer a large amount of protection...would it be sold in an armor shop? I imagine that defensive items would be very popular here. One can see in a single glance that monsters have almost overrun the place.
In any case, I am fairly certain a condom isn't anything that could go in stew. Ah no, I won't be sharing my recipe, either--I'm a firm believer of keeping it in the family.
Poll Vote!
Character: Livio the Doublefang
Series: Trigun Maximum
Age: Unknown, but appears to be in his early thirties
Job: Bodyguard (for hire)
Canon: Trigun Maximum is the story Vash the Stampede, harbinger of Love!, Peace!, and all that other good stuff. But what's a hero without a group of bad ass gunslingers around making his life hell?
Introducing Livio: fast, powerful, and nearly invincible --to the point that he can be shot, maimed, even hit with a missile and heal instantly-- he was the pride and joy of the cult-ish assassin group the Eye of Michael, as well as a valued member of the Gung-ho-Guns. Merciless and completely devoted to his master, Livio was little more then a living weapon until getting his ass handed to him in a fight and being shown the errors of his ways.
Now on the side of good and free of his former life, Livio hopes to atone for some of his past deeds by helping save the world. And as it turns out, beneath that solemn and serious personality the guy is really just a socially retarded little dork that spazzes out, cries, and pisses off his transsexual opponents by refusing to fight until his cowboy hat and cloak are firmly in place (claiming they make him twice as strong. Yeah.).
Of course, it should be noted that despite Livio's happy turn around, his split personality, Razlo, is still completely insane and wants to rip you apart tooth and nail. But sometimes, you just can't win them all.
Sample Entry:
Uh, hi. Due to my lack of experience with public speaking, I've been provided a script to follow that outlines the details of my position:
'Campers! Are you pissed off at that psychopath for killing you four times in a row? Upset that Mr. Rape-face gets his kicks from messing you up? Wish someone would just step forward and fight your battles for you? WELL, now for a small fee this dream can become YOUR reality. Along with the added bonus of all the profits going towards camp and the Director-'
--All right, never mind. You can put the guns down now, thank you. I'll admit I'm not very familiar with speeches, but judging by your reactions maybe I should take it from here. My name is Livio and, according to the job description, I'm here to act as a bodyguard for anyone who 'needs an adult'. Despite what the note says, you don't actually have to worry about any fees. I would consider it an honour to be of help to any one of you, and to me, that's payment enough. Besides, this place seems to be doing pretty well as it is; all of those 'so now you're gay' pamphlets being passed around couldn't have been cheap.
In any case, I've fought some pretty powerful opponents in the past and came out as the last man standing, so I think I can be counted on. I'm not sure how many of you will actually need my protection, considering the zombies here don't seem like they'd be a problem to anyone who can speed walk. But if you seek me out I'll do my best to insure you're safety, be it from other campers, lake monsters, or… fondling trees? Er. I think that one's on you.
Are there any questions? Yes, group of gorillas. Ah, you want to help me settle in by selling me new equipment? Uh, thank you, it's a nice offer, but that's really not necessary. Yes, even if the boots do give me plus four response agility and the belt reduces post rape by twenty percent, I think what I have on me will work just fine. My own hat and cloak even make me twice as strong!
…You want to test that. I don't think -hey wait! Don't just walk away! And did you just pull that rocket launcher out of your--
'Fire ze missile', right. I think you kids might want to stand back, this could get ACKBfwtaflanjvn…
...........
Er, it's all right, I'm fine, you can stop screaming now. No, no, you don't have to get a doctor. See? I got better.
Poll Vote!
Character: Zoe Alleyne Washburne
Series: Firefly
Character Age: 33
Job: Domestic Arts Instructor
Canon: Firefly is a heartwarming, epic tale about the complexities of good and evil, noble behavior in the face of adversity, and... okay, maybe it's not about all that, exactly. But it's got spaceships and cowboys and hookers, so it can't be all bad. The series and feature film follow the crew of the Firefly-class ship, Serenity, on adventures of varying levels of legality. Hey, just because they're smugglers doesn't mean they're bad people!
Zoe is Mal's second-in-command and also Wash's wife and tops damn near everybody on board Serenity. She's a warrior woman who shows no hesitation in battle, and remains calm when the fighting heats up. She's also unflinchingly loyal to the people who matter. Zoe is frequently serious and terse, but can also quippy, snarky, and even maternal. Warrior women are perhaps not the most domestic of wives, but Zoe and her hubby have mutual respect and affection for one another, despite the fact that said hubby can sometimes be a bonehead. Sometimes. But he's great in bed, so it's okay.
Zoe will be taken post-Serenity.
Sample Post:
Hello, everyone. Name's Zoe. I'm here at Camp Fuck You Die ain't never been in a place tells you that straight out before to teach you everything you need to to survive -- and keep survivin' -- here. That there means tactics. Firin' blindly only works if you've got luck on your side, but if you had luck on your side, you wouldn't be here. There's all manner of man and beast in them swamps, and runnin' away screamin' like a little girl ain't gonna... What do you mean, "read from the script"? I never got a-- Oh.
...Hello, campers, and welcome to your first wonderf-- wonderful? Right. Your first, uh, wonderful step down a road of ... domestic discovery? In this class you'll learn dozens of helpful tips designed to make you the best housewife -- or house...husband? -- you can be. In Domestic-- What? I'll read the gorramn script, but I don't have to like it. In Domestic Arts you'll learn how to... prepare and host a seven-course dinner party. Also, you'll learn to memorize and integrate the following useful tenets into your life. I reckon this'll be interestin'.
Never ask your husband questions about his actions or question his judgment or integrity.
What in the... This can't be serious. 'Less it had somethin' to do with flyin', you can bet your ass I questioned him if I thought he'd lost his damn mind. Good thing, too, considerin' how often he lost it.
Always allow him to talk first -- remember, what he has to say is far more important than what you have to tell him.
Oh, I don't think so.
A good wife knows her place--
Wait just a ruttin' minute. Who in the hell wrote this gorramn piece of go-se? If this is someone's idea of a joke, we need to down and have a nice little talk wherein I get convinced it's a bad idea to blow someone's fool head off. All right, to hell with the script. Them words ain't worth more than the paper they're on.
Attention, campers. You ain't gonna learn to cook here, that there's for certain. I don't cook. Leastwise I don't cook nothin' but soup, and one kinda soup at that. And, no, I ain't gonna teach you how to make it.
Now, if bein' a good wife and partner means knowin' how to get your husband back from a crimelord mostly unbroken and with both his ears still attached, then I can teach you how to do that. If I'm feelin' charitable, you might even learn how to take a bullet out of a man's leg. Because, far as I see it, bein' a good wife and partner ain't got nothin' to do with followin' a script. It ain't always an art, and it sure as hell ain't always domestic.
And the very last thing I plan on teaching anyone is how to obey.
Poll Vote!
Character: Ichimaru Gin
Series: Bleach
Character Age: Unknown, probably hundreds of years older than your momma, but appears somewhere in his mid-late twenties
Job: Counselor in Charge of Camper Complaints
Canon: Telling the heartfelt story of the magical boy Ichigo and his massive penis sword, Bleach is your typical shounen series. Boy sees ghosts. Boy meets girl. Boy finds out girl is ghost who gives boy super massive ultimate Shinigami powers that force Boy to save the world…again and again and again.
Ichimaru Gin just happens to be one of those nasty little bad guys who threatens the peace, justice, and love that Ichigo et al stand for. When introduced in the manga, Gin works as the third division captain and an excellent red herring, because with a face like his, who wouldn't think he's evil? However, as certain events come to pass, the crew realizes that he's still an evil bastard, but more of an evil bastard right hand man than an evil genius. Though malicious and devious, he generally hides this with a smiling and, at times, playful demeanor, making it hard for anyone to tell exactly what Gin's plotting.
App Note: Gin speaks in Kansai-ben, which has been equated with Southern, Midwestern, and New York accents. Since none of the above are really all that similar, the app has been written with a more generic accent to try and capture his speech patterns.
Sample Post:
Arara…looks like th' boss keeps getting more an' more interestin' allies. Here I thought his little Spanish bout was just a phase, but when he reads what th' livin' folks've been sayin' bout those Americans he just couldn't help his curiosity.
So when he says jump, how can I say anythin' but how high? An don't call me one t'question his judgement, but you'd think that plottin' th' destruction of th' known world would bring you t'deal with people slightly more devious than a camp director! I hear th' showers bleed, th' lake's a little infested, but how bad can it be when these cute little buggers're there t'bring you back from th-oh. Well. You're certainly a lucky little bunch, gettin' your own instant resurrection here, aren't you? Think I might've figured just what th' boss was so interested in~
And here I was 'bout t'ignore th' lovely job Miss Director's given me, but a little extra work never killed th' ones who're already dead. Miss Director's even been so kind as t'give me everythin' I need t'get th' job done.
So, hello t'you, Camp Fuck You Die. I'm Ichimaru Gin, your new counselor in charge of fieldin' complaints. And since Miss Director seems t'care so much 'bout your feedback, she's given me a few gorillas t'assist me.
Now no need t'be afraid of them, they're just in charge of distributin' th' surveys. Miss Director seems to have noticed some of your preferences and has made th' surveys what you seem t'call ticky boxes. She seems t'be quite prepared for all circumstances too, askin' how you feel about Affirmative Action in camp applications, whether you'd like satin, silk, or cotton for your innadressin', and what cut of meat y'like in th' Tuesday Soup, options say feet, hands, or special, you lucky little boys and girls! Oh, seems to be one more written real tiny down at th' bottom here, "Did you kill my fiancé Y/N?" My my, that sounds pretty scandalous!
Now personally I'm not too fond of any of th' above, but Miss Director knows you better'n I do, so we'll just count on her t'keep you happy. Once you're done with th' survey you can just stick them right here in th'box she's been so kind as to provide.
Oh? Th' box's shut? Well that's odd. Lemme just check…oh! Seems Miss Director's left me some instructions. Says right here...
Step one. Cut a hole in th' box.
Step two. Put complaints in th' box.
Step three. Throw th' box in th' lake.
Well, there y'go. A simple hole's nothing too hard, and th' note says here once you're done they're t'be analyzed by Marcy Data Services: th' best in in-depth, penetrating survey analysis. So there y'are! Don't be wastin' your time, you've gotta ticky it up, boys an' girls!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Sakata "Gin" Gintoki
Series: Gintama
Age: mid-20s
Job: Financial Advisor
Canon: Gintama takes place in a feudal Japan where the samurai became obsolete after aliens (Amanto) invaded twenty years ago. The Amanto brought with them incredibly advanced technology, weird creatures from all over the universe, and a total ban on swords.
Enter our hero, Sakata Gintoki. Once upon a time he was a badass samurai known far and wide as the "White Demon" as he fought to keep the alien invaders out of Edo. He's still pretty badass, but nowadays he mostly spends his time attempting (and failing) to pay his monthly rent with the help of his "sidekicks" Kagura and Shinpachi. The three of them will do pretty much anything for cash, from taking odd jobs around Edo to staging fake exorcisms to attempting to convince Shinpachi to sell his organs on the black market.
Laid-back and irresponsible, Gin's not the greatest role model ever. He ditches epic fights so that he can get home in time for his soaps, spends most of his cash feeding his addictions to Shounen Jump and sugar, and breaks the fourth wall on a regular basis. Gin may sound like a jerk with really odd thought processes, and, well, he is. But he's still an honorable guy who cares about his friends and will help out anyone in trouble. Just as long as they can pay.
Sample Entry
Y'know, when I found an insert inside this week's Shounen Jump advertising a Super Special One-Time Only offer, I though it was gonna be for something like a free pair of x-ray specs, not a job in some camp. And after reading the camp description, I really didn't think I was going to be hired as the "Financial Adviser." I was expecting the job to be more along the lines of pet control-keeping the cephalopod from the outer reaches of space from eating campers, that sort of thing. I even had the perfect recipe for fried squid in mind.
Not that I'm complaining. I've only been here a few minutes, but I can already tell that advising kids on financial stuff is really preferable to going one-on-how-ever-many-arms-that-thing-has with your buddy in the lake. I'll be able to enjoy the free food and chance to be far, far away from my landlady on the day my rent is due without developing a fear of tentacles.
… ah, right, the advice. Well, according to experts like the guys on the home shopping network, making a budget is the key to being responsible with your money. Only buy what you need. Prioritize your spending, like contestants prioritize who lives or dies on those survivor island shows. Only the strongest and most important purchases should survive and make it to the final round.
But what if you don't have any money to be responsible with? Well, unless you're dating a really rich old lady, you'll probably have to get a job. Around here, I'd suggest something like gorilla groomer or toucan trainer. Not only is alliteration always a plus on resumes, but they'll prepare you for the possible abuse in your future career. Though if that doesn't sound too appealing, you may be tempted to do what this zombie has done-- sell your kidneys, lungs, and 3/4 of your body to science. Honestly, I don't recommend this. Sell only one kidney and 2/7 of your body, and keep the lungs.
My final piece of advice is to know important details about your employer before applying. Anyone hoping to work under zombies should be aware that non-eating contracts with them have the rotten habit of falling apart. Gorilla groomers should know if the purple is natural or a dye job. And if your potential employer is a psychotic woman in charge of a facility with an impenetrable barrier, try to find out ahead of time.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Zaraki Kenpachi
Series: Bleach
Age: ...th' hell'm I supposed to know? a few centuries
Job: Mediator/Dispute Resolution
Canon: What do you get when you combine a strawberry with a giant sword and a common household cleaning chemical? A story about lots and lots of dead people.
One of the many aforemention dead people, Kenpachi is about what you'd get if you took your average shounen retard and had him grow up without learning all those fluffy life lessons about friendship and trust and believing in the heart of the cards yourself. He just likes to cut shit, and likes it even better when it tries to cut him back. In fact, he likes getting a good fight so much he even gives himself handicaps just to make things more fun. Captain of the fight-crazy 11th division, he might not be the sharpest zanpakutou in the Seireitei, when something needs killing there's none who do it better or with more fervor... at least when he's not giving piggyback rides to his pink-haired second in command.
Sample Post:
Tch, th' hell's with this place? Givin' it a name like "Fuck You Die" an' ain't found nothin' t' live up to it. Don't matter how many 'f those zombie bastards ya got if they can't fight worth crap. Che, must've killed more 'n nine thousand 'f th' damn things an' I ain't even warmed up yet.
Oi! Th' name's Zaraki Kenpachi, an' if there's anyone in this damn place who thinks they can put up a fight then get yer ass over here and show me what ya got, jus' ain't any fun fightin' a bunch 'f weaklings. Yer director-lady said there'd be somethin' worth fightin' 'round here if-- what d'ya want? If ya ain't here t' fight y' can jus'-- th' hell ya mean th' director said I hafta mediate yer problem before I can fight anythin'? Jus' 'cos that damn woman says... Che, fine, but I ain't doin' this fer yer sake, so ya better be quick with it.
...
Aw, I ain't got the time fer this mediatin' crap. Oi, listen up! Either ya agree on somethin' an' quit wastin' my time, or I'll jus' cut th' both of ya. Fair nuff, ain't it? --th' hell're ya complainin' about now? I'm jus' supposed to resolve yer damn arguments, ain't nobody ever said how I gotta resolve 'em. An' oi, I jus' did my part, if ya ain't got somethin' worth fightin' I don't give a damn. So ya got somethin' fer me t' fight or what?
...th' hell? Yer jokin', right? Somethin' that puny ain't worth even botherin' t' step on! An' I don't care if it got in a fight with some snake, there's gotta be somethin' better than battlin' some damn little crab.
Poll Vote!