(no subject)
HAY GUYS. NEW ROUND. AND I FINALLY FIXED MY ACCOUNT. YAY \o/
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Ono Yuusuke
Series: Antique Bakery (manga)
Character Age: 32
Job: Magical homosexual Camp pharmacist (i.e. "The Guy Who Makes Lots of Cakes")
Canon: Welcome to the Antique Bakery, home of French pastries and light foods of near orgasm-inducing deliciousness, as well as a handsome staff. Behind the Antique's mouth-watering creations is a man whose reputation precedes him, genius head pastry chef Ono Yuusuke -- who works there for the money because he's gotten fired from every job he's ever held due to the (sometimes violent) romantic strife he causes among the men he encounters. Ono, you see, is (depending on your translation) a "gay of demonic charm" -- a "magical homosexual" who is unreasonably irresistible to any man, gay or straight, whom he finds attractive.
Generally cheerful (though prone to occasional bouts of melodrama), Ono can seem shy and slightly dorky. This is probably due to one of two reasons: 1) you're a woman and, as such, he's deathly afraid of you, or 2) you're a man he finds attractive and he's trying to pull one over on you, most likely while thinking about how he'd like to XXXX and XXX the XXXXX. For all that Ono would like to avoid trouble, his unfortunate tendency to think with his dick makes him very bad at both saying "no" to others' advances and resisting the urge to take off his glasses, style his red hair and transform into a suave, confident man-killer in order to do some advancing himself. While he still suffers from self-worth issues, Ono really has overcome his timid adolescence to possess a blunt acceptance of who he is today.
At his best, Ono is insightful, practical, charming and affectionate; at his worst, he's manipulative, harshly unsentimental, materialistic and jaded. Overall, he's just a good guy who doesn't want to hurt anyone and is trying to get paid and get laid in a world that's not always kind to magical homosexuals.
Note: Ono is being taken from after Recipe 11.
Sample Entry:
Is this the place that was expecting the delivery? It... looks like I somehow managed to lose the rest of the staff. I'm afraid that the others had the cakes with them, but you'd mentioned wanting an opinion about something that was already prepared here...
What do I think of that melted marshmallow over there? Hmm... Well, to be truthful, it's a rather sloppy job! Do you see those brown spots and bubbles? It's from being heated unevenly and at too high of a temperature. While the caramelization of the sugar can provide a rich fragrancy, such a haphazard appearance wouldn't work at all -- it's important that it looks appetizing. To say nothing of the fact that it's running down the side of a volcano. Really, I've heard that "natural" cooking techniques are a new trend, but that's awfully unsanitary. And no, I don't think that a giant laser would work, either. Even if it was extremely big, with the small surface area of the laser and such a large amount of marshmallow, you couldn't possibly melt it all at once, you see, so you'd end up with parts of it growing firm before the rest of it was even touched.
My recommendation- Huh? A contract? No, no, you really don't want to hire me! As much as I'd love an increased salary, if I started here, I'd need to see all of the people here to make sure that there wasn't anyone I'd like because-
...oh, so you have heard about that. Yes, yes, actually, I am a magical homosexual. And that's why I don't want to take my chances on changing jobs when I've finally found a place that works for me. "Interesting"? Oh, aside from the homosexual thing, I'm not that interesting at all, really! And I'm not looking for a new job, so I don't see any reason why anyone would have specifically brought me here.
Stephan Debussey? Is... dead? Stephan... Did I ever know a Stephan? No- wait, what was the name of that third guy I was with during my first month in Paris? Oh, no... Don't tell me that I'm to blame for another suicide. God, so stupid, to do something drastic like that over someone like me... You have to believe me, I never make things seem like they're more serious than they actually are- okay, so I'm not always quick to kill whatever fantasies they're mumbling about after we've done it, but right afterwards? That would be a little harsh, wouldn't it? And, you know, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know-
Oh. Oh, he wasn't... Ahaha. Sorry, sorry, my mistake!
Now, for the last time, I just can't work in these conditions. The refrigerator that I saw was completely insufficient, especially given the hot and swampy weather here, I don't know how you can get fresh ingredients reliably delivered in a place this hard to reach, and the aesthetics depress my soul and leave me uninspired. It's one thing to have safe co-workers who aren't my type, but "decaying and bad hair" goes so far beyond "not my type" that it could make me feel like swearing off sex altoge- Actually, no, that's a bald-faced lie. You said that I could find a way out once I got to the main camp here, where the campers and the other counselors-
...the other counselors...
I think that I just saw my common sense go flying away.
Oh... oh, dear, I'm... suddenly feeling a little faint. It must be this awful summer heat. Would you mind taking me to the hospital? I need some serious attention from that doctor over there. Immediately.
Was... was that just a chocolate moose that went running past?
...I really am feeling faint now.
Poll Vote!
Character: Terazuma Hajime
Series: Yami no Matsuei
Age: Physically in his late 20s
Job: Unwanted Body Changes Advisor
Canon: In Yami no Matsuei, the afterlife isn't as peaceful as one might think, especially for those still working the good old nine to five. They are Shinigami, those who investigate the supernatural and keep order in the afterlife. While every case seems to badtouch the deep-rooted and traumatic issues of our main protagonists, there are a few Shinigami blessed with a simpler afterlife. As long as you consider having to deal with shape-shifting into a rampaging, hundred foot monster at the touch of a woman simple, that is. Cue Terazuma Hajime.
Terazuma's got his own problems to deal with though, mainly in the form of his partnered shikigami, a creature living inside his body that he's able to transform into. He has some control over when and where he transforms, but the shikigami is always looking for a moment of weakness to take over. With Terazuma's natural gynophobia, those moments tend to appear often.
In a word, Terazuma is grumpy. Old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn grumpy, even. Though he's got a strong sense of duty and honor, his straightforward attitude gets him pegged as the bad guy more often than the good. He's also an awkward mess when it comes to expressing his feelings and likely the worst detective you'll ever meet, but that won't stop him from giving any case he comes across, big or small, all of his effort and then some.
Sample Post:
The gorilla in the volcano with the zombie arm!
... 'Ch, that's not it either? This case is turning out to be a lot tougher than I was told, but considering that the clue I was given was written in crayon on a post-it note, I shouldn't have been expecting much. This clue's turning out to be useless too; you'd think it couldn't get much simpler than a note saying "it was me" but the jerk had the nerve to forget his name too. This must be the work of a criminal mastermind. I'm not letting this half-assed post-it throw me off the trail though; I'll interrogate every last suspect if I have to!
Oh right, the report. I've managed to find myself some cover work to keep the locals from suspecting anything. The people running the nearby camp said they had a position open, something about teaching these kids how to keep themselves in their own skins. Said the lady in charge was tired of having to memorize their faces when they kept changing them every week. I'm wondering how they can seriously think that there'd be someone out there who'd be able to lecture about topics like "Being Furry Isn't All That Great, Here's Why", but they said I'd work for the position. I got the job though, so I'll let the personal insult slide for now.
Yeah yeah, laugh all you want up there, you feather dusters. Whoever decided to leave the local law enforcement in the claws of a bunch of toucans was as fruity as the one in the commercials. If you lot can't even take apart a couple of post-it notes so I can get my damn room assignment and get out of here, then there's no.. way... hey. I get it. It was you three bird brains who left me this useless clue to try and throw me off the trail. You're the real murderers, aren't you? Here in the forest with these post-it notes! That's it, isn't it?! Confess! Don't think you'll distract me with some bullshit about tentacles coming to get meeeaaAAAARGH HANDS OFF!! Damn, they got away.
Alright buddy, I thought I made this clear from day one! You know my thoughts on interoffice relationships and I don't want any private swimming lessons from the likes of you. Try finding some other sucker to con a date from, because like hell am I gonna bite. And keep your own fat tentacles to yourself from now on before I snap those ugly things off and- ... are you crying? Jeez, who gets sensitive over a stupid thing like how their tentacles look. Will you stop crying already!? If it gets you to stop crying already, I'll do whatever you want!
... That's what you want? Really? No, I'll do it, just don't start crying again.
No, your tentacles don't make you look fat.
Poll Vote!
Character: Sal Hayden
Series: The
X President, by Philip Baruth
Age: 39
Job: Camp Historian and Archivist
Canon: Sal Hayden is a woman out of time.
Originally from 2055, Sal comes from an America where
armed soldiers patrolling the streets are a part of
everyday life, lighting up a cigarette is the highest
form of patriotism, and men still can't believe that a
woman can kick their ass at pool. She was drafted by
the National Security Council into going back in time,
recruiting a teenage Bill Clinton and using him to
prevent World War III.
Sal is strong willed, intelligent, sarcastic, and she
has very little patience with stupidity or raging
teenage hormones. On the one hand, having her nice,
cozy life as Clinton's biographer interrupted enraged
her, but on the other she was fascinated by the chance
to see and influence history, rather than just write
about it.
Or maybe she just falls victim to Stockholm
syndrome.
Sample App:
I suppose I ought to give the National Security
Council some credit; they certainly know how
to keep a girl guessing.
But it's not like that's a good thing.
But when the 2007 operatives came to me and said,
"Major Hayden, can we ask,"---demand would be
more accurate---"for one more favor? For the sake of
homeland security," I should've turned the hose on
them. What makes them think that a thirty-nine year
old academic is always the best choice to save
President and country? The fact that I've
helped save it once before doesn't count.
It all sounded like something out of a low budget
B-movie of the era and I was in no hurry to find out
what was real and what was the clearly the product of
some very strong drugs. But here's the funny
thing about the NSC, no matter how many times you say
no, they just keep on saying yes. Throw in a
squadron of Green Berets for shits and giggles and
here I am at lovely Camp Fuck You Die.
Though, I have to say that using Strom Thurmond and
Jerry Falwell imitators to greet me was a nice touch.
They were a lot more lively than the original video
footage gave them credit for, and-----and they
weren't imitators? That would explain why they
kept saying "homosexuals caused 9/11." It would also
explain the smell.
. . . hmph. The sooner I do my job, the sooner I go
home, so can we please get this over with? It's not
like I've been given much to work with, considering
this primitive Livejournal program. Only one
hundred icons for how much money? That's
outrageous. And the server needs to be far
more robust to deal with the average number of
comments per post.
So, if you'd mind completing this brief Serious Poll,
purely for the record's sake? There are only four or
five questions about sex, nothing too personal,
really.
Question One: Approximately how many times per
week do campers change form? On average, which is the
most common: cat, girl, or catgirl?
Question Two: What percentage of campers are
living-impaired and how does this impact their day to
day life?
Question Three: If a ninja dots in the woods,
does anyone care?
...
. . . well. I can already tell this will be a
great use of taxpayer dollars. Can anyone
recommend an exit strategy?
Poll Vote!
Character: Seamus Zelazny Harper
Series: Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda
Character age: 24
Character job: Director's Personal Secretary
Canon: The System's Commonwealth: shining example of democratic government and last bastion against The Night. Then it was betrayed from within and fell. Oops. 300 years later Hercules Highguard Captain Dylan Hunt of the starship Andromeda Ascendant is woken up from a very long nap in a black hole by a salvage crew and convinces them to help him restore the Commonwealth.
Seamus Harper is a genius, as he'll repeatedly tell you (at least once an episode!), and is taken on as new head engineer of the Andromeda. He stays on mostly because he's in lust with the ship, (Yes, the ship.) and well, there's coffee, showers, and his loyalty to his original captain. As a pure, Boston-raised human from the now slave planet Earth, he's developed a very pronounced survival instinct that's often at war with his courage and very somewhat skewed sense of right and wrong. And he's got an emo backstory and a chip on his shoulder. But he doesn't let it bother him most times and is a live by the moment type of guy, always ready to make a quick score (in more ways than one). Fast talking, witty, sarcastic and eccentric, he is the genius engineer he says he is, with the humongous ego to match, and he bounces from topic to esoteric topic like a bouncy ball on speed. And he's a dedicated skirt-chaser of the highest order, especially if there are circuits under said skirt.
Note: Harper is being taken from directly after the episode Ouroboros. And thrones are currency.
Sample app:
Oh come on. I didn't even do anything, this time, worth getting dumped on a prison planet as a-personal secretary? I'm nobody's secretary; there's no job security and I predict shooting at me. But hey, the letter says this Director is a babe. So what if the photo is a total fake; who actually takes Polaroids these days? I can still work with that.
Director, babe, honeybunch, light of my life, I know you can't keep your hands off my handsome bod, and I can't say I mind, but you've got the wrong guy. Seamus Zelazny Harper, engineer and super-genius, does not murder fiancés. I wouldn't hurt a fly, seriously. Hostile aliens, rats who owe me money, and psychotic androids I'd shoot in a nanosecond but flies and hot babes are perfectly safe with The Harper. I'm practically a saint, an angel even! If you squint and tilt your head at a 43.6 degree angle you can even see the halo. That's really creepy by the way.
Since we've established that little fact you can let me go now. I'm a nice guy so I'll forgive you kidnapping me to be your secretary. Hell, I'm generous enough to even throw in a custom made android, built and programmed exactly to your specifications, in return for a get out of jail free card. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 thrones, just hightail it right to Andromeda. Of course he'll be anatomically correct so he can show you on himself where the wildlife "badtouched" him so you can make him all better-Oh crap. So. . . What do you say?
Oh hey there, if it isn't the boss lady's muscle. Nice tazers. I don't speak any damn dirty ape but I'm pretty sure that translates to "No way in hell, Harper." So, uh, I'm gonna go say hi to the kids. The ones waaaaay over there.
Right. . . so much for Plan A. But the geeeenius Harper always comes prepared with multiple backup plans. See, Plan A was to talk my way out. Plan B is jack into the network and hack my way out. Plan C- uh, come up with a Plan D. No problems, 'cause hacking is one of my many talents.
Now folks, always remember to practice safe networking and use protection. I recommend at least one firewall and always make sure you know where the equipment's been before putting it in. Laugh all you want, you can get some nasty, and by nasty I mean really shocking, literally, stuff if you don't. Naturally I always use my own equipment-What? At least I definitely know where it's been.
So after a simple modification to interface with this lovely antique, jack A goes into dataport B and I'll have her network spilling its binary guts to me in no time! Viola! Hello gorgeous, I hope you don't mind. You left your back door open. Hey! "It's a trap!!" is my line. And The Harper is fully equipped to deal with any trap you cyber-goddess, you- Oh. Male persona. Right, well I guess I won't be winning you over with my charming personality. And if I am I don't wanna know. So how about you let me outta here and I don't hotwire you to do embarrassing things to yourself? Oh yeah, buddy? You aren't so hot. Bring it on; I can take you!
Aaaaeeow! Hothot! Ow! Yeesh, that stings. I guess that means my resignation letter got rejected. So uh, say hello to your Director's new personal secretary. The boss lady isn't in right now. She isn't taking calls, appointments, or death threats but leave a message after the tone from the harmless little man. She'll get back to you. . . never! And as a friendly tip from The Divine, shooting the messenger is really bad for your karma! Beep!
Poll Vote!
Camper name: Kresnik Ahtreide
Series Wild Arms 4
Age: 24
Job: pharmacist
canon:
From the company that brought you smash hits like as Wild Arms, Wild Arms II, and Wild Arms III, comes Wild Arms IV! Wild Arms IV is the heartwarming story of Jude Maverick, a thirteen year old who sets off on a whirlwind adventure with his companions Yulie, Arnaud, and Raquel to save the world from complete and total destruction.
Kresnik Ahtreide is a member of an organization named Brionac, which continually opposes the main cast as they travel. Kresnik has a back-story emo enough to beat out Linkin Park, having been a human guinea pig until he was recruited by Brionac to help 'save the world'. How he would actually help 'save the world' is never explained, but it had something to do with taking drugs in order to materialise his weapon. Even though the drugs will eventually kill him, Kresnik keeps on taking them in order to have enough power to protect his sister. Kresnik is very serious about his job, and applies his working attitude to all areas of his life. In fact, Kresnik takes his job so seriously that he reported himself in after helping his sister, Yulie, escape.
His co-worker Jeremy describes him as a 'wet rag', and if wet rag means as 'starchy and inflexible' as wonder bread, then it's 100% dead on!
Sample Entry:
Hello Campers. My name is Kresnik Ahtreide, and I am here to enforce that all campers are on schedule for their medications. I am grateful your director has given me this chance, and I promise to carry out my duties with conviction.
You may ask about the purpose of the medication, and the answer is a simple. A camp wide decree was issued in order to stem the tide of EMO, which at the rate it is being created, will soon bring the destruction of the world. The Director has put everyone on a strict schedule of medication, and staying on schedule is for your own benefit. Giving your dose to others is against the rules, and you will only hurt yourself in the process. All campers are advised to stay away from all suspicious persons and report in any violation in code. I hope we can all cooperate, because I will not hesitate to be your judge, jury, and executioner right here, if necessary.
… I can understand why you wouldn’t want to take your scheduled medication, but I do hope you understand it is for your own benefit and the benefit of the people around you. If this is not enough reason, please think of your close family members and the people you care about. I’m sure many of you will use the excuse that your medication will not help. Some of you may believe the myth that antidepressants routinely turn takers into lifeless drones, more commonly know as zombies, but I am here to debunk that myth. Zombies became what they are after they led a small protest against their leader. They were falsely accused of sedition and secretly removed in the night by the Strike07 secret police. Now they are nothing but monsters that hurt others and the people who once loved them. I understand this was a highly classified camp secret, and I will take action accordingly. I hope you do see the danger you are facing now. Please think about your future, and the future of everyone else to see why this is necessary.
If you have any trouble taking your medicine orally due to a missing limb, I would recommend consulting the help of a trusted friend. I am sorry that I cannot demonstrate how to put it in, for various personal reasons. I ah…must leave now, to report my personal violation of regulations to your director.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Ono Yuusuke
Series: Antique Bakery (manga)
Character Age: 32
Job: Magical homosexual Camp pharmacist (i.e. "The Guy Who Makes Lots of Cakes")
Canon: Welcome to the Antique Bakery, home of French pastries and light foods of near orgasm-inducing deliciousness, as well as a handsome staff. Behind the Antique's mouth-watering creations is a man whose reputation precedes him, genius head pastry chef Ono Yuusuke -- who works there for the money because he's gotten fired from every job he's ever held due to the (sometimes violent) romantic strife he causes among the men he encounters. Ono, you see, is (depending on your translation) a "gay of demonic charm" -- a "magical homosexual" who is unreasonably irresistible to any man, gay or straight, whom he finds attractive.
Generally cheerful (though prone to occasional bouts of melodrama), Ono can seem shy and slightly dorky. This is probably due to one of two reasons: 1) you're a woman and, as such, he's deathly afraid of you, or 2) you're a man he finds attractive and he's trying to pull one over on you, most likely while thinking about how he'd like to XXXX and XXX the XXXXX. For all that Ono would like to avoid trouble, his unfortunate tendency to think with his dick makes him very bad at both saying "no" to others' advances and resisting the urge to take off his glasses, style his red hair and transform into a suave, confident man-killer in order to do some advancing himself. While he still suffers from self-worth issues, Ono really has overcome his timid adolescence to possess a blunt acceptance of who he is today.
At his best, Ono is insightful, practical, charming and affectionate; at his worst, he's manipulative, harshly unsentimental, materialistic and jaded. Overall, he's just a good guy who doesn't want to hurt anyone and is trying to get paid and get laid in a world that's not always kind to magical homosexuals.
Note: Ono is being taken from after Recipe 11.
Sample Entry:
Is this the place that was expecting the delivery? It... looks like I somehow managed to lose the rest of the staff. I'm afraid that the others had the cakes with them, but you'd mentioned wanting an opinion about something that was already prepared here...
What do I think of that melted marshmallow over there? Hmm... Well, to be truthful, it's a rather sloppy job! Do you see those brown spots and bubbles? It's from being heated unevenly and at too high of a temperature. While the caramelization of the sugar can provide a rich fragrancy, such a haphazard appearance wouldn't work at all -- it's important that it looks appetizing. To say nothing of the fact that it's running down the side of a volcano. Really, I've heard that "natural" cooking techniques are a new trend, but that's awfully unsanitary. And no, I don't think that a giant laser would work, either. Even if it was extremely big, with the small surface area of the laser and such a large amount of marshmallow, you couldn't possibly melt it all at once, you see, so you'd end up with parts of it growing firm before the rest of it was even touched.
My recommendation- Huh? A contract? No, no, you really don't want to hire me! As much as I'd love an increased salary, if I started here, I'd need to see all of the people here to make sure that there wasn't anyone I'd like because-
...oh, so you have heard about that. Yes, yes, actually, I am a magical homosexual. And that's why I don't want to take my chances on changing jobs when I've finally found a place that works for me. "Interesting"? Oh, aside from the homosexual thing, I'm not that interesting at all, really! And I'm not looking for a new job, so I don't see any reason why anyone would have specifically brought me here.
Stephan Debussey? Is... dead? Stephan... Did I ever know a Stephan? No- wait, what was the name of that third guy I was with during my first month in Paris? Oh, no... Don't tell me that I'm to blame for another suicide. God, so stupid, to do something drastic like that over someone like me... You have to believe me, I never make things seem like they're more serious than they actually are- okay, so I'm not always quick to kill whatever fantasies they're mumbling about after we've done it, but right afterwards? That would be a little harsh, wouldn't it? And, you know, one thing leads to another, and the next thing you know-
Oh. Oh, he wasn't... Ahaha. Sorry, sorry, my mistake!
Now, for the last time, I just can't work in these conditions. The refrigerator that I saw was completely insufficient, especially given the hot and swampy weather here, I don't know how you can get fresh ingredients reliably delivered in a place this hard to reach, and the aesthetics depress my soul and leave me uninspired. It's one thing to have safe co-workers who aren't my type, but "decaying and bad hair" goes so far beyond "not my type" that it could make me feel like swearing off sex altoge- Actually, no, that's a bald-faced lie. You said that I could find a way out once I got to the main camp here, where the campers and the other counselors-
...the other counselors...
I think that I just saw my common sense go flying away.
Oh... oh, dear, I'm... suddenly feeling a little faint. It must be this awful summer heat. Would you mind taking me to the hospital? I need some serious attention from that doctor over there. Immediately.
Was... was that just a chocolate moose that went running past?
...I really am feeling faint now.
Poll Vote!
Character: Terazuma Hajime
Series: Yami no Matsuei
Age: Physically in his late 20s
Job: Unwanted Body Changes Advisor
Canon: In Yami no Matsuei, the afterlife isn't as peaceful as one might think, especially for those still working the good old nine to five. They are Shinigami, those who investigate the supernatural and keep order in the afterlife. While every case seems to badtouch the deep-rooted and traumatic issues of our main protagonists, there are a few Shinigami blessed with a simpler afterlife. As long as you consider having to deal with shape-shifting into a rampaging, hundred foot monster at the touch of a woman simple, that is. Cue Terazuma Hajime.
Terazuma's got his own problems to deal with though, mainly in the form of his partnered shikigami, a creature living inside his body that he's able to transform into. He has some control over when and where he transforms, but the shikigami is always looking for a moment of weakness to take over. With Terazuma's natural gynophobia, those moments tend to appear often.
In a word, Terazuma is grumpy. Old man yelling at kids to get off his lawn grumpy, even. Though he's got a strong sense of duty and honor, his straightforward attitude gets him pegged as the bad guy more often than the good. He's also an awkward mess when it comes to expressing his feelings and likely the worst detective you'll ever meet, but that won't stop him from giving any case he comes across, big or small, all of his effort and then some.
Sample Post:
The gorilla in the volcano with the zombie arm!
... 'Ch, that's not it either? This case is turning out to be a lot tougher than I was told, but considering that the clue I was given was written in crayon on a post-it note, I shouldn't have been expecting much. This clue's turning out to be useless too; you'd think it couldn't get much simpler than a note saying "it was me" but the jerk had the nerve to forget his name too. This must be the work of a criminal mastermind. I'm not letting this half-assed post-it throw me off the trail though; I'll interrogate every last suspect if I have to!
Oh right, the report. I've managed to find myself some cover work to keep the locals from suspecting anything. The people running the nearby camp said they had a position open, something about teaching these kids how to keep themselves in their own skins. Said the lady in charge was tired of having to memorize their faces when they kept changing them every week. I'm wondering how they can seriously think that there'd be someone out there who'd be able to lecture about topics like "Being Furry Isn't All That Great, Here's Why", but they said I'd work for the position. I got the job though, so I'll let the personal insult slide for now.
Yeah yeah, laugh all you want up there, you feather dusters. Whoever decided to leave the local law enforcement in the claws of a bunch of toucans was as fruity as the one in the commercials. If you lot can't even take apart a couple of post-it notes so I can get my damn room assignment and get out of here, then there's no.. way... hey. I get it. It was you three bird brains who left me this useless clue to try and throw me off the trail. You're the real murderers, aren't you? Here in the forest with these post-it notes! That's it, isn't it?! Confess! Don't think you'll distract me with some bullshit about tentacles coming to get meeeaaAAAARGH HANDS OFF!! Damn, they got away.
Alright buddy, I thought I made this clear from day one! You know my thoughts on interoffice relationships and I don't want any private swimming lessons from the likes of you. Try finding some other sucker to con a date from, because like hell am I gonna bite. And keep your own fat tentacles to yourself from now on before I snap those ugly things off and- ... are you crying? Jeez, who gets sensitive over a stupid thing like how their tentacles look. Will you stop crying already!? If it gets you to stop crying already, I'll do whatever you want!
... That's what you want? Really? No, I'll do it, just don't start crying again.
No, your tentacles don't make you look fat.
Poll Vote!
Character: Sal Hayden
Series: The
X President, by Philip Baruth
Age: 39
Job: Camp Historian and Archivist
Canon: Sal Hayden is a woman out of time.
Originally from 2055, Sal comes from an America where
armed soldiers patrolling the streets are a part of
everyday life, lighting up a cigarette is the highest
form of patriotism, and men still can't believe that a
woman can kick their ass at pool. She was drafted by
the National Security Council into going back in time,
recruiting a teenage Bill Clinton and using him to
prevent World War III.
Sal is strong willed, intelligent, sarcastic, and she
has very little patience with stupidity or raging
teenage hormones. On the one hand, having her nice,
cozy life as Clinton's biographer interrupted enraged
her, but on the other she was fascinated by the chance
to see and influence history, rather than just write
about it.
Or maybe she just falls victim to Stockholm
syndrome.
Sample App:
I suppose I ought to give the National Security
Council some credit; they certainly know how
to keep a girl guessing.
But it's not like that's a good thing.
But when the 2007 operatives came to me and said,
"Major Hayden, can we ask,"---demand would be
more accurate---"for one more favor? For the sake of
homeland security," I should've turned the hose on
them. What makes them think that a thirty-nine year
old academic is always the best choice to save
President and country? The fact that I've
helped save it once before doesn't count.
It all sounded like something out of a low budget
B-movie of the era and I was in no hurry to find out
what was real and what was the clearly the product of
some very strong drugs. But here's the funny
thing about the NSC, no matter how many times you say
no, they just keep on saying yes. Throw in a
squadron of Green Berets for shits and giggles and
here I am at lovely Camp Fuck You Die.
Though, I have to say that using Strom Thurmond and
Jerry Falwell imitators to greet me was a nice touch.
They were a lot more lively than the original video
footage gave them credit for, and-----and they
weren't imitators? That would explain why they
kept saying "homosexuals caused 9/11." It would also
explain the smell.
. . . hmph. The sooner I do my job, the sooner I go
home, so can we please get this over with? It's not
like I've been given much to work with, considering
this primitive Livejournal program. Only one
hundred icons for how much money? That's
outrageous. And the server needs to be far
more robust to deal with the average number of
comments per post.
So, if you'd mind completing this brief Serious Poll,
purely for the record's sake? There are only four or
five questions about sex, nothing too personal,
really.
Question One: Approximately how many times per
week do campers change form? On average, which is the
most common: cat, girl, or catgirl?
Question Two: What percentage of campers are
living-impaired and how does this impact their day to
day life?
Question Three: If a ninja dots in the woods,
does anyone care?
...
. . . well. I can already tell this will be a
great use of taxpayer dollars. Can anyone
recommend an exit strategy?
Poll Vote!
Character: Seamus Zelazny Harper
Series: Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda
Character age: 24
Character job: Director's Personal Secretary
Canon: The System's Commonwealth: shining example of democratic government and last bastion against The Night. Then it was betrayed from within and fell. Oops. 300 years later Hercules Highguard Captain Dylan Hunt of the starship Andromeda Ascendant is woken up from a very long nap in a black hole by a salvage crew and convinces them to help him restore the Commonwealth.
Seamus Harper is a genius, as he'll repeatedly tell you (at least once an episode!), and is taken on as new head engineer of the Andromeda. He stays on mostly because he's in lust with the ship, (Yes, the ship.) and well, there's coffee, showers, and his loyalty to his original captain. As a pure, Boston-raised human from the now slave planet Earth, he's developed a very pronounced survival instinct that's often at war with his courage and very somewhat skewed sense of right and wrong. And he's got an emo backstory and a chip on his shoulder. But he doesn't let it bother him most times and is a live by the moment type of guy, always ready to make a quick score (in more ways than one). Fast talking, witty, sarcastic and eccentric, he is the genius engineer he says he is, with the humongous ego to match, and he bounces from topic to esoteric topic like a bouncy ball on speed. And he's a dedicated skirt-chaser of the highest order, especially if there are circuits under said skirt.
Note: Harper is being taken from directly after the episode Ouroboros. And thrones are currency.
Sample app:
Oh come on. I didn't even do anything, this time, worth getting dumped on a prison planet as a-personal secretary? I'm nobody's secretary; there's no job security and I predict shooting at me. But hey, the letter says this Director is a babe. So what if the photo is a total fake; who actually takes Polaroids these days? I can still work with that.
Director, babe, honeybunch, light of my life, I know you can't keep your hands off my handsome bod, and I can't say I mind, but you've got the wrong guy. Seamus Zelazny Harper, engineer and super-genius, does not murder fiancés. I wouldn't hurt a fly, seriously. Hostile aliens, rats who owe me money, and psychotic androids I'd shoot in a nanosecond but flies and hot babes are perfectly safe with The Harper. I'm practically a saint, an angel even! If you squint and tilt your head at a 43.6 degree angle you can even see the halo. That's really creepy by the way.
Since we've established that little fact you can let me go now. I'm a nice guy so I'll forgive you kidnapping me to be your secretary. Hell, I'm generous enough to even throw in a custom made android, built and programmed exactly to your specifications, in return for a get out of jail free card. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 thrones, just hightail it right to Andromeda. Of course he'll be anatomically correct so he can show you on himself where the wildlife "badtouched" him so you can make him all better-Oh crap. So. . . What do you say?
Oh hey there, if it isn't the boss lady's muscle. Nice tazers. I don't speak any damn dirty ape but I'm pretty sure that translates to "No way in hell, Harper." So, uh, I'm gonna go say hi to the kids. The ones waaaaay over there.
Right. . . so much for Plan A. But the geeeenius Harper always comes prepared with multiple backup plans. See, Plan A was to talk my way out. Plan B is jack into the network and hack my way out. Plan C- uh, come up with a Plan D. No problems, 'cause hacking is one of my many talents.
Now folks, always remember to practice safe networking and use protection. I recommend at least one firewall and always make sure you know where the equipment's been before putting it in. Laugh all you want, you can get some nasty, and by nasty I mean really shocking, literally, stuff if you don't. Naturally I always use my own equipment-What? At least I definitely know where it's been.
So after a simple modification to interface with this lovely antique, jack A goes into dataport B and I'll have her network spilling its binary guts to me in no time! Viola! Hello gorgeous, I hope you don't mind. You left your back door open. Hey! "It's a trap!!" is my line. And The Harper is fully equipped to deal with any trap you cyber-goddess, you- Oh. Male persona. Right, well I guess I won't be winning you over with my charming personality. And if I am I don't wanna know. So how about you let me outta here and I don't hotwire you to do embarrassing things to yourself? Oh yeah, buddy? You aren't so hot. Bring it on; I can take you!
Aaaaeeow! Hothot! Ow! Yeesh, that stings. I guess that means my resignation letter got rejected. So uh, say hello to your Director's new personal secretary. The boss lady isn't in right now. She isn't taking calls, appointments, or death threats but leave a message after the tone from the harmless little man. She'll get back to you. . . never! And as a friendly tip from The Divine, shooting the messenger is really bad for your karma! Beep!
Poll Vote!
Camper name: Kresnik Ahtreide
Series Wild Arms 4
Age: 24
Job: pharmacist
canon:
From the company that brought you smash hits like as Wild Arms, Wild Arms II, and Wild Arms III, comes Wild Arms IV! Wild Arms IV is the heartwarming story of Jude Maverick, a thirteen year old who sets off on a whirlwind adventure with his companions Yulie, Arnaud, and Raquel to save the world from complete and total destruction.
Kresnik Ahtreide is a member of an organization named Brionac, which continually opposes the main cast as they travel. Kresnik has a back-story emo enough to beat out Linkin Park, having been a human guinea pig until he was recruited by Brionac to help 'save the world'. How he would actually help 'save the world' is never explained, but it had something to do with taking drugs in order to materialise his weapon. Even though the drugs will eventually kill him, Kresnik keeps on taking them in order to have enough power to protect his sister. Kresnik is very serious about his job, and applies his working attitude to all areas of his life. In fact, Kresnik takes his job so seriously that he reported himself in after helping his sister, Yulie, escape.
His co-worker Jeremy describes him as a 'wet rag', and if wet rag means as 'starchy and inflexible' as wonder bread, then it's 100% dead on!
Sample Entry:
Hello Campers. My name is Kresnik Ahtreide, and I am here to enforce that all campers are on schedule for their medications. I am grateful your director has given me this chance, and I promise to carry out my duties with conviction.
You may ask about the purpose of the medication, and the answer is a simple. A camp wide decree was issued in order to stem the tide of EMO, which at the rate it is being created, will soon bring the destruction of the world. The Director has put everyone on a strict schedule of medication, and staying on schedule is for your own benefit. Giving your dose to others is against the rules, and you will only hurt yourself in the process. All campers are advised to stay away from all suspicious persons and report in any violation in code. I hope we can all cooperate, because I will not hesitate to be your judge, jury, and executioner right here, if necessary.
… I can understand why you wouldn’t want to take your scheduled medication, but I do hope you understand it is for your own benefit and the benefit of the people around you. If this is not enough reason, please think of your close family members and the people you care about. I’m sure many of you will use the excuse that your medication will not help. Some of you may believe the myth that antidepressants routinely turn takers into lifeless drones, more commonly know as zombies, but I am here to debunk that myth. Zombies became what they are after they led a small protest against their leader. They were falsely accused of sedition and secretly removed in the night by the Strike07 secret police. Now they are nothing but monsters that hurt others and the people who once loved them. I understand this was a highly classified camp secret, and I will take action accordingly. I hope you do see the danger you are facing now. Please think about your future, and the future of everyone else to see why this is necessary.
If you have any trouble taking your medicine orally due to a missing limb, I would recommend consulting the help of a trusted friend. I am sorry that I cannot demonstrate how to put it in, for various personal reasons. I ah…must leave now, to report my personal violation of regulations to your director.
Poll Vote!