(no subject)
HERE KIDS have another batch before I go off to nap.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Nabiki Tendo
Series: Ranma 1/2
Age: 17
Canon: The Ranmaverse is a world of martial arts, curses, surprise engagements, fights, magic, rivals, panty thieves, and lots and lots of chaos and wacky hijinks. Its population consists of shounen retard martial artists extraordinaire, a bunch of equally naive/oblivious/delusional bystanders, and Nabiki Tendo.
The middle child of the Tendo household is clever, level-headed, perceptive, sly, mischievous, cynical, and easily capable of topping an entire cast of super-skilled martial artists without any actual fighting skills of her own. A much-needed voice of reason, you'd think. But no. See, Nabiki's also a completely self-serving opportunist looking for ways to increase rather than decrease the chaos around her. This because it provides her with her two favourite things in life: entertainment and an opportunity to make a profit. So, how does she do it, you ask? Without any scruples whatsoever. Lying, manipulating, blackmail, skinning her dates, swindling little children, selling information and suspect candid photos, setting up life-threatening situations, renting out family members for dates, even that oldest trick of all of "just take the money and run"? All in a day's work for Nabiki Tendo!
Sample Post:
So, stop me if you've heard this one before.
Once upon a time, there were two martial artist - let's call them A and B. Now A carried a grudge against B, and decided kidnapping B's fiancée would be a good way to get revenge. And so he sent his zombie ninja minions out kidnapping. These minions crossed an ocean or two, descended on the home of the fiancée one night as everyone was sleeping, smashed the roof, grabbed the girl and carried her off into the night before anyone had the time to react. Mission complete and successful, right?
Wrong.
See, the girl who was so cruelly taken from her bed was not the fiancée, but her CUTE OLDER SISTER. And of course the kidnappers didn't realise this. What was a girl to do in such a predicament? Well, fortunately this particular girl happened to be used to both strange situations and being the only person within a 10-mile radius capable of clear, coherent thought. And fortunately, she was also aware of the importance of always being prepared for unexpected opportunities, and always kept a camera in her pajamas.
So when they stopped for a rest the next morning, she presented to her kidnappers the photographic evidence she had gathered that night, of just what it is zombies get up to in the cover of darkness. And my was it ever shocking, you never would have guessed or believed it! Anxious to keep their reputation as deranged mutant killer monster zombie ninjas intact, the kidnappers agreed to her terms: if they brought her back home, she'd keep the pictures to herself.
Unfortunately, that's when they discovered the invisible barrier surrounding the swamp where they'd been resting.
The terms were quickly renegotiated, and the zombie ninjas were promoted from escorts to associates. And that is where we have to end our story. Because yes, it is about me, and this is where I find myself right now. A poor, lonely, defenseless, tired and hungry girl far from home, without one single yen to pay for a bed and some breakfast. Of course, I'm sure no one with a heart could refuse to make some other arrangement with such a poor unfortunate soul as myself, but understandably enough I'm entirely too shaken by this ordeal to think about things like that right now. So I'll just leave all the arrangements to my associates instead, shall I? That sound good to you? Yes? Good. I'll be in the nearest bed, waiting for that breakfast.
Poll Vote!
Character: Aragaki Shinjiro
Series: Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3
Character Age: Senior in highschool; presumably 18 years old.
Canon: Fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight -- that's what Persona 3's really all about. When a mad scientist unleashes a horde of mind-eating monsters called Shadows, it's up to a bunch of talented youngsters to save the world. In a secret Dark Hour that occurs every day at 12 midnight, these highschoolers summon Personas, manifestations of their inner souls that are conveniently skilled at asskickery, and stop Shadows before they can take out more innocent people. During the day ... they still have to go to school and pretend to be normal. Which usually means watching the Main Character hit on people. It's standard RPG fare combined with a crazy dating sim.
Shinjiro is what happens when all of that goes wrong. Although he was one of the original members of S.E.E.S., he quit after one Shadow-hunting expedition ended with him losing control of his Persona and causing some nasty (and guilt-inducing) collateral damage. He then spent two years being a burnt-out, homeless drug-addict, during which his boyfriend Akihiko badgered him about rejoining the team. Sarcastic, cynical, and generally anti-social, Shinjiro tends to distance himself even when he's technically re-assimilated into a group. But as stand-offish and rude as he is, he's got a soft spot for cooking and fuzzy animals. And he's quick to help out when he can, even if he shrugs off thanks afterwards.
Sample Post:
Look, dipshits. I ain't wearing the apron, so give it up already.
What'd you guys call yourselves -- the "Seefud Extra Epicurean Zombies" club? You oughta work on your recruiting techniques. Last time I checked, kidnapping some random guy and expectin' him to cook for you ain't exactly a good argument. Who the hell told you I could cook, anyway? Akihiko? If you're really looking for members, try offering 'em some kinda incentive they actually want. Dunno what you guys are on, but kittens don't exactly work for me. I ain't huffing nothing, no matter how good the orange ones fuck you up.
Your supplies ain't doing you any favors either. This kinda work environment just isn't impressive at all. If all you really want to cook with is a bunch of mislabeled cans of spam, then you've got my pity. I don't care what the outside says; if you honestly think enough cans of crappy meat are gonna get you cheap viagra or some Nigerian dude's money, you oughta get your heads examined. And would it kill you to keep your restaurant in one spot? You've been dragging me all over the place, but the answer's still gonna be the same. I ain't cooking in the lake, or tied to a stake, or in a box. And if you bring that damn fox back, I'm leaving.
This is a summer camp, right? Isn't there kitchen staff you can bother about this crap? The stuff I can do ain't worth shit. It definitely ain't worth me joining up with your damn S.E.E.Z. thing. You cooking wannabes have gotta be desperate -- you can't even feed those kittens without dumping stuff in. Who's the dumbass who thought feeding 'em your own leftover limbs was a good idea? Don't any of you know how to handle a cat without hurting it? If you're gonna do it right, you've got to make sure you don't scare them first. Let them come up close and stare at you with those big ... stupid-looking soulful eyes ...
...
Whatever. I still ain't wearing the apron.
Poll Vote!
Character: Teito Klein
Series: 07-Ghost
Character Age: Mid teens
Canon: No matter what school you go to, be it military, magical or just plain crazy, there's always a teacher's pet. The smart one. That one guy who never ever gets into trouble no matter what they do-- the bastard! At Barsburg Military Academy, this person is Teito, who despite being a former slave is able to pass an exam that only twenty out of five hundred students pass each year. But soon after he passes, an incident occurs which changes him from one of the most prized students to a wanted criminal.
Despite being far too serious for his own good, Teito has the occasional bouts of immaturity and gullibility, especially over his height, and saying he has a short temper is like saying the sun rises in the east. He dislikes being talked down to and refuses to be walked all over. Couple that with a dose of large emo and a plan for revenge, he's obviously not a ray of sunshine. Even so, Teito is a selfless boy who, all revenge plots aside, cares about people and is loyal, sweet, and maybe just a bit too reckless.
Sample Post:
Excuse me, but do I have an invisible neon sign hung around my neck? Does it say something like; 'Free Sex Slave to Good Home'? Because I've been here for all of ten minutes and already I've experienced pedophilia, doraphilia, coprophilia, tentacle-philia and most importantly, voraphilia. I don't mean any offense, it's nice that you're interested in me for my brains, but unless you have a fetish for being kicked in the balls, I don't want a part in any sex fantasy you have! Understood?
Good. Now, you were saying something about, er, 'growing inches in minutes'? Would you happen to know what I--? Oh. Oh! ...You weren't talking about height, were you? Ugh, this place is really the worst! I was under the impression there was a murderer, but all I can find are perverts. Get ahold of yourselves! I know you're trapped, but it's hardly the end of the world and you don't need to repopulate just yet. Be reasonable, do research and find the facts. Then confront the boss, maybe with an aluminum bat.
So what are you waiting for? If you have any of the brains everyone keeps on harping about, you wouldn't get mad. You'd get even. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, an arm for an-- I didn't mean literally! Idiot, if you're not mature enough to do this properly, I might as well not even bother. And stop slapping him with his own hand and then telling him to stop hitting himself! Particularly over something as idiotic and petty as p-penis size, for heaven's sake!
All right, that's it. You are all tremendous successes as failures. Do you honestly think that this is meant to be funny? That it's one big joke? If you wanted humor, then you came to the wrong person. All I'm interested in at this point is leaving, not in slapstick, nor innuendo, or even innocent humor like a chicken crossing a road. I don't know where you got the idea that touching people inappropriately was comedy gold, either!
I swear, if you want a joke this badly, then I guess I can give you a favorite of mine: What is big, hard and heading towards your face? A knuckle sandwich. I know I'm laughing.
Poll Vote!
Character: Belphegor
Series: Katekyo Hitman Reborn!
Character Age: 14-16ish
Canon: Some time ago someone in Japan rolled over and said "Do you know what would be awesome? A series about the MAFIA. Not just the mafia, but middle school kids in the mafia!" Or something like that. Thus Katekyo Hitman Reborn was written and follows the life of No Good Sawada Tsunayoshi and his reluctant journey to become the 10th generation boss of the Vongola family. Not only is Tsuna the heir to a mafia family, but it's a mafia family where bazookas can move people through time and bullets give you a better muscle boost than steroids. The Vongola are a fairly diverse group, including natural born rapist assassin Yamamoto, the angriest dynamite kid ever, Gokudera, and of course people outside of Tsuna's group; the 9th boss, his bitches and the assassin group, the Varia.
The Varia are a special collection of highly skilled freaks, and Belphegor is their number one killing genius. Bel is the one who joined the Varia of his own accord so he could kill people and doesn't care at all about mafia politics -- because he's a prince. Approaching fights, even the seminal ones, with an aloof demeanor that carries an impressive ego Bel seems fairly collected, if not a bit overconfident. He's also completely batshit insane. If the 'ushishishi' sniggering laugh doesn't indicate his deluded mentality, his words will. Bel explains things away with 'because I'm a prince' and doesn't just look down on people (or opponants?), but is the kind of guy who kills his older twin and then says "I mistook him for a cockroach".
Sample Post
What a dense forest, I'm sure stupid people get lost here all the time. But I won't get lost, because I can find my way back. Not just anyone could do it, see, but I can. Because I'm a prince. I didn't have any breadcrumbs to leave a trail to follow. I wanted to leave heads, but there weren't any. I had to make them myself. Ushishishi, it was like cutting slugs. I'm disappointed that it was over so soon. It's like they were barely trying to stay alive, how boring. Isn't there anyone exciting~ here?
Hnnn, all this cutting and slicing and leaving body parts behind has made everything a little sticky and messy. Something needs about be done about this. Someone will be sent on an errand~. Let's see... this one is too short, midgets aren't very useful. And that one over there is a goat, and we don't associate with goats. Especially naughty goats that try and touch me, those goats get made into pies~. That one is ugly. You! You with the squished face and droopy eyes and hair, you're kind of ugly too, and too skinny and stupid looking. But that's okay because I decided that you're going to be my minion. You should feel honored that I picked you out from everyone else. Go get me a towel and an assassin worth killing.
I want an assassin worth killing. I like the ones full of energy the best. The kind to do their best at everything~, but especially killing. No, not "i'm paris hiltoonnnnnnn". An assassin! You've already made a horrible mistake, but I'll give you a second chance because I'm generous like that. Because I'm a prince. Make sure you do everything right this time or I'll kill you. Hurry up, I don't want to get bored waiting.
... nn? What did you just give me? 'A complimentary moist towelette'. That's less than half right, you know. Even if you're fast if you do it wrong that makes you a rather unsatisfying minion, and I'm going to have to deal with you. How does it go? "Off with your head" ? Shishishi! Something like that!
Now I have no minions. I need minions to look cool.
...
Who wants to be my minion~?
Poll Vote!
Character: Etna
Series: Disgaea (Disgaea: Hour of Darkness and Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories)
Age: 1470 (About 14, almost 15)
Canon: Etna is a main character of the infamous Disgaea series. In the first game Etna is the vassal to the dim and incompetent (her emphasis) Overlord Laharl. She helps him get to the throne while providing a little bit of sarcastic humor and treachery to the mix. In Disgaea 2, Etna became pissed off at Laharl and decided to show him up by claiming the title “God of all Overlords” from Overlord Zenon. This brought her to Veldime where her mischief brought misfortune, frustration and suffering to Adell, Rozalyn and eventually the defeat of Zenon himself. Due to a mistake on her part, Adell’s mother botched a summoning which lowered Etna’s level back to 1. She has since stalked Adell to regain her levels and is currently corrupting Adell’s younger sister, Hanako.
While Etna can be friendly and carefree, Etna is usually sarcastic, mischievous and completely self-absorbed in her own personal interests: reaping revenge on everybody that wronged her, sweets, pop culture, clothes (which are always way too skimpy) and shopping, y’know girl stuff. She is capable of helping others, but usually doesn’t feel much reason to do so unless there’s something in it for her. Worse, she knows she’s a character who usually plays a supporting role and is prone to breaking the fourth wall with her quirky previews and commentary. This works for her, since it frees her from the responsibility of being the main character but still gives her the opportunity to kill him and take the lead. *evil smirk*
Sample Post:
Life is a weird and curious thing, you know? Here you are, totally minding your own business, heading home from the Rosen Queen Company’s grocery store with a bagful of pocky, and the dimensional gatekeeper screws up. Now here I am, sharing a room with a deranged assortment of cooks and sex-craved wackos that desperately need shrinks or condoms, caught between here and a forest where such a friendly assortment of abominations and sins against nature lurk… prison comes to mind. Worse, really: at least in demon prison the scrubs are amusing to break in and you have unlimited access to the internet with its sweet kinky yaoi (though there is enough here…), or an even bigger waste of time, cracked multifandom sites which boggle your eyes and your brains. Oh yes, finding yourself in this sort of situation gets you thinking…
…Thinking about what I’m going to do to that that screwed me over! I swear, I don’t know who the hell you think you are up there, but you are really starting to cheese me off! Not only did I have a chance to rest from that punk-brat of an Overlord and was perfectly content corrupting that promise-freak’s sister, but you had to have a sense of humor and put me in the same situation as them both!? Ooh, smiling are you? Thinks this is funny, punk? I’d like to see you smile when I take your grinning lips and shove them down your freaking spine! Then you’ll see who is smiling, jerk! hmhmhm…
But on the plus side~♥
This is a perfect opportunity to have some fun~ Like the old politician’s creed: “Good devils are ones that rob, cheat, steal and lie regardless of the situations they find themselves in~” I’m sure there’s some excitement I can get from this place before I find a way out. Hmhmhm… HMHMHM… ooh yes… this could be so~ much~ fun~
I can see it now…
Slaving their lives away, the campers of CFUD find themselves in tough circumstances! Worse, through the many years of suffering they are completely unaware that there was once a better way to have a summer camp!! Where is their savior? Who could possibly help them?
Behold! From within the shadows a cloaked, masked woman in a top-hat appears! Empirically the exciting empress of energetic euphemisms elaborating enigmatic uh… expressions of ah… excessiveness! Through her daring exploits against the director and his corrupt system, she manages to free the shamed and frightened campers and deliver them to their long overdue liberty! Joyful and relieved, they shower the heroine with praise and demand that she’d be the one to lead them!
NEXT TIME ON E FOR ETNA: THE BEGINNINGS OF A NEW DICTORSHIP! …ain’t politics grand?
Poll Vote!
Character: Pierre de Chaltier
Series: Tales of Destiny/2
Character Age: 19
Canon: Tales of Destiny is the amazing true story of how a bunch of short-bus-special (but lovable) heroes and their talking swords save the world from certain doom.
One thousand years ago, Pierre de Chaltier was a Major in the army fighting for liberation of the earth. He had fought well (for being the youngest member of the Swordian team), he had companions (who teased him constantly for his impulsive speak-instead-of-thinking nature), he had a diary (to which he told many secrets and fanboyed his superiors), he had his self-help books (which didn't actually help). And now he dead . . . No, that's not true. Now, after that one thousand year hibernation, he's a talking sword owned by one Leon Magnus, the Rose of Seinegald.
Chaltier's experience as a sword has taught him two things: speak formally, and fanboy thy master instead of thy superiors. Chaltier loves to brag about to anyone who'll listen, but he has yet to learn anything about meaningful social interactions. That's life.
Sample Post:
Well, well, well, this certainly isn't what I expected to find here- I assumed the home of a zombie fanatic would be a bit more well-organized. You might want to suggest to her that she organize some kind of entrail sanitation system- but that's beside the point! I am to assume, from the very, uh, colorful garb that you are all rather more individual zombies than perhaps the type which simply lurch about moaning "brains," and wearing rotting shirts? I am thankful that I have no sense of smell, of course, but if I might suggest that some sort of flowery scent might aid in your attempt to appear less than living-impaired. The young master, for instance, would go excellently with a gentle hint of lilac in his shampoo . . .
Being zombies, you'll need something much stronger: perhaps one of the professor's acid washes.
Ah, of course, one of you should wield me for the time being. Please remember, though, that this a temporary arrangement, as you're not qualified in any way to replace my wonderful young master. This is for my own sake. The mud is no place for a Swordian; we are legendary warriors and weapons and hey, h-hey, you can't hold me like that! A sword is to be grasped by the hilt, the hilt. Please take care to not slice your other hand off, as that would be . . . urgh. How many times must I say it? Unhand me, not yourself!
A-anyway, how do you intend to hold me if both of your hands are severed at the wrist?! That's impossible. Hey, I said, get off my blade, don't touch that! Th-there, that's better, try to pick me up by the hilt. Now, hand me to someone who . . . has hands, if you please, I need to find some place with people who will listen to m- to-
W-wah. YOU CAN'T DO THIS, I'M A FREE SWORD, YOU CAN'T TREAT ME LIKE THIS! I'M MAJOR CHALTIER, THE LEGENDARY SWORDIAN, AND I DEMAND THAT YOU STOP DEEP-THROATING ME AT ONCE! I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO MOVE BUT YOU CAN'T TREAT ME LIKE THIS! AND- are those maggots crawling around inside of you? N-no, it can't be, it's just your flesh crawling, it must be! WHY DIDN'T ANY OF MY ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDES MENTION THIIIIIIIIIIS?
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Nabiki Tendo
Series: Ranma 1/2
Age: 17
Canon: The Ranmaverse is a world of martial arts, curses, surprise engagements, fights, magic, rivals, panty thieves, and lots and lots of chaos and wacky hijinks. Its population consists of shounen retard martial artists extraordinaire, a bunch of equally naive/oblivious/delusional bystanders, and Nabiki Tendo.
The middle child of the Tendo household is clever, level-headed, perceptive, sly, mischievous, cynical, and easily capable of topping an entire cast of super-skilled martial artists without any actual fighting skills of her own. A much-needed voice of reason, you'd think. But no. See, Nabiki's also a completely self-serving opportunist looking for ways to increase rather than decrease the chaos around her. This because it provides her with her two favourite things in life: entertainment and an opportunity to make a profit. So, how does she do it, you ask? Without any scruples whatsoever. Lying, manipulating, blackmail, skinning her dates, swindling little children, selling information and suspect candid photos, setting up life-threatening situations, renting out family members for dates, even that oldest trick of all of "just take the money and run"? All in a day's work for Nabiki Tendo!
Sample Post:
So, stop me if you've heard this one before.
Once upon a time, there were two martial artist - let's call them A and B. Now A carried a grudge against B, and decided kidnapping B's fiancée would be a good way to get revenge. And so he sent his zombie ninja minions out kidnapping. These minions crossed an ocean or two, descended on the home of the fiancée one night as everyone was sleeping, smashed the roof, grabbed the girl and carried her off into the night before anyone had the time to react. Mission complete and successful, right?
Wrong.
See, the girl who was so cruelly taken from her bed was not the fiancée, but her CUTE OLDER SISTER. And of course the kidnappers didn't realise this. What was a girl to do in such a predicament? Well, fortunately this particular girl happened to be used to both strange situations and being the only person within a 10-mile radius capable of clear, coherent thought. And fortunately, she was also aware of the importance of always being prepared for unexpected opportunities, and always kept a camera in her pajamas.
So when they stopped for a rest the next morning, she presented to her kidnappers the photographic evidence she had gathered that night, of just what it is zombies get up to in the cover of darkness. And my was it ever shocking, you never would have guessed or believed it! Anxious to keep their reputation as deranged mutant killer monster zombie ninjas intact, the kidnappers agreed to her terms: if they brought her back home, she'd keep the pictures to herself.
Unfortunately, that's when they discovered the invisible barrier surrounding the swamp where they'd been resting.
The terms were quickly renegotiated, and the zombie ninjas were promoted from escorts to associates. And that is where we have to end our story. Because yes, it is about me, and this is where I find myself right now. A poor, lonely, defenseless, tired and hungry girl far from home, without one single yen to pay for a bed and some breakfast. Of course, I'm sure no one with a heart could refuse to make some other arrangement with such a poor unfortunate soul as myself, but understandably enough I'm entirely too shaken by this ordeal to think about things like that right now. So I'll just leave all the arrangements to my associates instead, shall I? That sound good to you? Yes? Good. I'll be in the nearest bed, waiting for that breakfast.
Poll Vote!
Character: Aragaki Shinjiro
Series: Shin Megami Tensei: Persona 3
Character Age: Senior in highschool; presumably 18 years old.
Canon: Fighting evil by moonlight, winning love by daylight -- that's what Persona 3's really all about. When a mad scientist unleashes a horde of mind-eating monsters called Shadows, it's up to a bunch of talented youngsters to save the world. In a secret Dark Hour that occurs every day at 12 midnight, these highschoolers summon Personas, manifestations of their inner souls that are conveniently skilled at asskickery, and stop Shadows before they can take out more innocent people. During the day ... they still have to go to school and pretend to be normal. Which usually means watching the Main Character hit on people. It's standard RPG fare combined with a crazy dating sim.
Shinjiro is what happens when all of that goes wrong. Although he was one of the original members of S.E.E.S., he quit after one Shadow-hunting expedition ended with him losing control of his Persona and causing some nasty (and guilt-inducing) collateral damage. He then spent two years being a burnt-out, homeless drug-addict, during which his boyfriend Akihiko badgered him about rejoining the team. Sarcastic, cynical, and generally anti-social, Shinjiro tends to distance himself even when he's technically re-assimilated into a group. But as stand-offish and rude as he is, he's got a soft spot for cooking and fuzzy animals. And he's quick to help out when he can, even if he shrugs off thanks afterwards.
Sample Post:
Look, dipshits. I ain't wearing the apron, so give it up already.
What'd you guys call yourselves -- the "Seefud Extra Epicurean Zombies" club? You oughta work on your recruiting techniques. Last time I checked, kidnapping some random guy and expectin' him to cook for you ain't exactly a good argument. Who the hell told you I could cook, anyway? Akihiko? If you're really looking for members, try offering 'em some kinda incentive they actually want. Dunno what you guys are on, but kittens don't exactly work for me. I ain't huffing nothing, no matter how good the orange ones fuck you up.
Your supplies ain't doing you any favors either. This kinda work environment just isn't impressive at all. If all you really want to cook with is a bunch of mislabeled cans of spam, then you've got my pity. I don't care what the outside says; if you honestly think enough cans of crappy meat are gonna get you cheap viagra or some Nigerian dude's money, you oughta get your heads examined. And would it kill you to keep your restaurant in one spot? You've been dragging me all over the place, but the answer's still gonna be the same. I ain't cooking in the lake, or tied to a stake, or in a box. And if you bring that damn fox back, I'm leaving.
This is a summer camp, right? Isn't there kitchen staff you can bother about this crap? The stuff I can do ain't worth shit. It definitely ain't worth me joining up with your damn S.E.E.Z. thing. You cooking wannabes have gotta be desperate -- you can't even feed those kittens without dumping stuff in. Who's the dumbass who thought feeding 'em your own leftover limbs was a good idea? Don't any of you know how to handle a cat without hurting it? If you're gonna do it right, you've got to make sure you don't scare them first. Let them come up close and stare at you with those big ... stupid-looking soulful eyes ...
...
Whatever. I still ain't wearing the apron.
Poll Vote!
Character: Teito Klein
Series: 07-Ghost
Character Age: Mid teens
Canon: No matter what school you go to, be it military, magical or just plain crazy, there's always a teacher's pet. The smart one. That one guy who never ever gets into trouble no matter what they do-- the bastard! At Barsburg Military Academy, this person is Teito, who despite being a former slave is able to pass an exam that only twenty out of five hundred students pass each year. But soon after he passes, an incident occurs which changes him from one of the most prized students to a wanted criminal.
Despite being far too serious for his own good, Teito has the occasional bouts of immaturity and gullibility, especially over his height, and saying he has a short temper is like saying the sun rises in the east. He dislikes being talked down to and refuses to be walked all over. Couple that with a dose of large emo and a plan for revenge, he's obviously not a ray of sunshine. Even so, Teito is a selfless boy who, all revenge plots aside, cares about people and is loyal, sweet, and maybe just a bit too reckless.
Sample Post:
Excuse me, but do I have an invisible neon sign hung around my neck? Does it say something like; 'Free Sex Slave to Good Home'? Because I've been here for all of ten minutes and already I've experienced pedophilia, doraphilia, coprophilia, tentacle-philia and most importantly, voraphilia. I don't mean any offense, it's nice that you're interested in me for my brains, but unless you have a fetish for being kicked in the balls, I don't want a part in any sex fantasy you have! Understood?
Good. Now, you were saying something about, er, 'growing inches in minutes'? Would you happen to know what I--? Oh. Oh! ...You weren't talking about height, were you? Ugh, this place is really the worst! I was under the impression there was a murderer, but all I can find are perverts. Get ahold of yourselves! I know you're trapped, but it's hardly the end of the world and you don't need to repopulate just yet. Be reasonable, do research and find the facts. Then confront the boss, maybe with an aluminum bat.
So what are you waiting for? If you have any of the brains everyone keeps on harping about, you wouldn't get mad. You'd get even. An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, an arm for an-- I didn't mean literally! Idiot, if you're not mature enough to do this properly, I might as well not even bother. And stop slapping him with his own hand and then telling him to stop hitting himself! Particularly over something as idiotic and petty as p-penis size, for heaven's sake!
All right, that's it. You are all tremendous successes as failures. Do you honestly think that this is meant to be funny? That it's one big joke? If you wanted humor, then you came to the wrong person. All I'm interested in at this point is leaving, not in slapstick, nor innuendo, or even innocent humor like a chicken crossing a road. I don't know where you got the idea that touching people inappropriately was comedy gold, either!
I swear, if you want a joke this badly, then I guess I can give you a favorite of mine: What is big, hard and heading towards your face? A knuckle sandwich. I know I'm laughing.
Poll Vote!
Character: Belphegor
Series: Katekyo Hitman Reborn!
Character Age: 14-16ish
Canon: Some time ago someone in Japan rolled over and said "Do you know what would be awesome? A series about the MAFIA. Not just the mafia, but middle school kids in the mafia!" Or something like that. Thus Katekyo Hitman Reborn was written and follows the life of No Good Sawada Tsunayoshi and his reluctant journey to become the 10th generation boss of the Vongola family. Not only is Tsuna the heir to a mafia family, but it's a mafia family where bazookas can move people through time and bullets give you a better muscle boost than steroids. The Vongola are a fairly diverse group, including natural born rapist assassin Yamamoto, the angriest dynamite kid ever, Gokudera, and of course people outside of Tsuna's group; the 9th boss, his bitches and the assassin group, the Varia.
The Varia are a special collection of highly skilled freaks, and Belphegor is their number one killing genius. Bel is the one who joined the Varia of his own accord so he could kill people and doesn't care at all about mafia politics -- because he's a prince. Approaching fights, even the seminal ones, with an aloof demeanor that carries an impressive ego Bel seems fairly collected, if not a bit overconfident. He's also completely batshit insane. If the 'ushishishi' sniggering laugh doesn't indicate his deluded mentality, his words will. Bel explains things away with 'because I'm a prince' and doesn't just look down on people (or opponants?), but is the kind of guy who kills his older twin and then says "I mistook him for a cockroach".
Sample Post
What a dense forest, I'm sure stupid people get lost here all the time. But I won't get lost, because I can find my way back. Not just anyone could do it, see, but I can. Because I'm a prince. I didn't have any breadcrumbs to leave a trail to follow. I wanted to leave heads, but there weren't any. I had to make them myself. Ushishishi, it was like cutting slugs. I'm disappointed that it was over so soon. It's like they were barely trying to stay alive, how boring. Isn't there anyone exciting~ here?
Hnnn, all this cutting and slicing and leaving body parts behind has made everything a little sticky and messy. Something needs about be done about this. Someone will be sent on an errand~. Let's see... this one is too short, midgets aren't very useful. And that one over there is a goat, and we don't associate with goats. Especially naughty goats that try and touch me, those goats get made into pies~. That one is ugly. You! You with the squished face and droopy eyes and hair, you're kind of ugly too, and too skinny and stupid looking. But that's okay because I decided that you're going to be my minion. You should feel honored that I picked you out from everyone else. Go get me a towel and an assassin worth killing.
I want an assassin worth killing. I like the ones full of energy the best. The kind to do their best at everything~, but especially killing. No, not "i'm paris hiltoonnnnnnn". An assassin! You've already made a horrible mistake, but I'll give you a second chance because I'm generous like that. Because I'm a prince. Make sure you do everything right this time or I'll kill you. Hurry up, I don't want to get bored waiting.
... nn? What did you just give me? 'A complimentary moist towelette'. That's less than half right, you know. Even if you're fast if you do it wrong that makes you a rather unsatisfying minion, and I'm going to have to deal with you. How does it go? "Off with your head" ? Shishishi! Something like that!
Now I have no minions. I need minions to look cool.
...
Who wants to be my minion~?
Poll Vote!
Character: Etna
Series: Disgaea (Disgaea: Hour of Darkness and Disgaea 2: Cursed Memories)
Age: 1470 (About 14, almost 15)
Canon: Etna is a main character of the infamous Disgaea series. In the first game Etna is the vassal to the dim and incompetent (her emphasis) Overlord Laharl. She helps him get to the throne while providing a little bit of sarcastic humor and treachery to the mix. In Disgaea 2, Etna became pissed off at Laharl and decided to show him up by claiming the title “God of all Overlords” from Overlord Zenon. This brought her to Veldime where her mischief brought misfortune, frustration and suffering to Adell, Rozalyn and eventually the defeat of Zenon himself. Due to a mistake on her part, Adell’s mother botched a summoning which lowered Etna’s level back to 1. She has since stalked Adell to regain her levels and is currently corrupting Adell’s younger sister, Hanako.
While Etna can be friendly and carefree, Etna is usually sarcastic, mischievous and completely self-absorbed in her own personal interests: reaping revenge on everybody that wronged her, sweets, pop culture, clothes (which are always way too skimpy) and shopping, y’know girl stuff. She is capable of helping others, but usually doesn’t feel much reason to do so unless there’s something in it for her. Worse, she knows she’s a character who usually plays a supporting role and is prone to breaking the fourth wall with her quirky previews and commentary. This works for her, since it frees her from the responsibility of being the main character but still gives her the opportunity to kill him and take the lead. *evil smirk*
Sample Post:
Life is a weird and curious thing, you know? Here you are, totally minding your own business, heading home from the Rosen Queen Company’s grocery store with a bagful of pocky, and the dimensional gatekeeper screws up. Now here I am, sharing a room with a deranged assortment of cooks and sex-craved wackos that desperately need shrinks or condoms, caught between here and a forest where such a friendly assortment of abominations and sins against nature lurk… prison comes to mind. Worse, really: at least in demon prison the scrubs are amusing to break in and you have unlimited access to the internet with its sweet kinky yaoi (though there is enough here…), or an even bigger waste of time, cracked multifandom sites which boggle your eyes and your brains. Oh yes, finding yourself in this sort of situation gets you thinking…
…Thinking about what I’m going to do to that that screwed me over! I swear, I don’t know who the hell you think you are up there, but you are really starting to cheese me off! Not only did I have a chance to rest from that punk-brat of an Overlord and was perfectly content corrupting that promise-freak’s sister, but you had to have a sense of humor and put me in the same situation as them both!? Ooh, smiling are you? Thinks this is funny, punk? I’d like to see you smile when I take your grinning lips and shove them down your freaking spine! Then you’ll see who is smiling, jerk! hmhmhm…
But on the plus side~♥
This is a perfect opportunity to have some fun~ Like the old politician’s creed: “Good devils are ones that rob, cheat, steal and lie regardless of the situations they find themselves in~” I’m sure there’s some excitement I can get from this place before I find a way out. Hmhmhm… HMHMHM… ooh yes… this could be so~ much~ fun~
I can see it now…
Slaving their lives away, the campers of CFUD find themselves in tough circumstances! Worse, through the many years of suffering they are completely unaware that there was once a better way to have a summer camp!! Where is their savior? Who could possibly help them?
Behold! From within the shadows a cloaked, masked woman in a top-hat appears! Empirically the exciting empress of energetic euphemisms elaborating enigmatic uh… expressions of ah… excessiveness! Through her daring exploits against the director and his corrupt system, she manages to free the shamed and frightened campers and deliver them to their long overdue liberty! Joyful and relieved, they shower the heroine with praise and demand that she’d be the one to lead them!
NEXT TIME ON E FOR ETNA: THE BEGINNINGS OF A NEW DICTORSHIP! …ain’t politics grand?
Poll Vote!
Character: Pierre de Chaltier
Series: Tales of Destiny/2
Character Age: 19
Canon: Tales of Destiny is the amazing true story of how a bunch of short-bus-special (but lovable) heroes and their talking swords save the world from certain doom.
One thousand years ago, Pierre de Chaltier was a Major in the army fighting for liberation of the earth. He had fought well (for being the youngest member of the Swordian team), he had companions (who teased him constantly for his impulsive speak-instead-of-thinking nature), he had a diary (to which he told many secrets and fanboyed his superiors), he had his self-help books (which didn't actually help). And now he dead . . . No, that's not true. Now, after that one thousand year hibernation, he's a talking sword owned by one Leon Magnus, the Rose of Seinegald.
Chaltier's experience as a sword has taught him two things: speak formally, and fanboy thy master instead of thy superiors. Chaltier loves to brag about to anyone who'll listen, but he has yet to learn anything about meaningful social interactions. That's life.
Sample Post:
Well, well, well, this certainly isn't what I expected to find here- I assumed the home of a zombie fanatic would be a bit more well-organized. You might want to suggest to her that she organize some kind of entrail sanitation system- but that's beside the point! I am to assume, from the very, uh, colorful garb that you are all rather more individual zombies than perhaps the type which simply lurch about moaning "brains," and wearing rotting shirts? I am thankful that I have no sense of smell, of course, but if I might suggest that some sort of flowery scent might aid in your attempt to appear less than living-impaired. The young master, for instance, would go excellently with a gentle hint of lilac in his shampoo . . .
Being zombies, you'll need something much stronger: perhaps one of the professor's acid washes.
Ah, of course, one of you should wield me for the time being. Please remember, though, that this a temporary arrangement, as you're not qualified in any way to replace my wonderful young master. This is for my own sake. The mud is no place for a Swordian; we are legendary warriors and weapons and hey, h-hey, you can't hold me like that! A sword is to be grasped by the hilt, the hilt. Please take care to not slice your other hand off, as that would be . . . urgh. How many times must I say it? Unhand me, not yourself!
A-anyway, how do you intend to hold me if both of your hands are severed at the wrist?! That's impossible. Hey, I said, get off my blade, don't touch that! Th-there, that's better, try to pick me up by the hilt. Now, hand me to someone who . . . has hands, if you please, I need to find some place with people who will listen to m- to-
W-wah. YOU CAN'T DO THIS, I'M A FREE SWORD, YOU CAN'T TREAT ME LIKE THIS! I'M MAJOR CHALTIER, THE LEGENDARY SWORDIAN, AND I DEMAND THAT YOU STOP DEEP-THROATING ME AT ONCE! I MAY NOT BE ABLE TO MOVE BUT YOU CAN'T TREAT ME LIKE THIS! AND- are those maggots crawling around inside of you? N-no, it can't be, it's just your flesh crawling, it must be! WHY DIDN'T ANY OF MY ZOMBIE SURVIVAL GUIDES MENTION THIIIIIIIIIIS?
Poll Vote!