(no subject)
NEXT ROUND, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE! Closed!
Character: Scrooge McDuck
Series: DuckTales
Age: early 80s
Job: Treasure Hunting Advisor
Canon: When you watch the classic late-'80s cartoon DuckTales, the first fact you'll be informed of is that "life is like a hurricane, here in Duckburg". And really, that couldn't be more true. Even if you set aside the evil plots of the greedy villains who roam the city, there's still Gyro Gearloose's out-there inventions; the irrepressible antics of Huey, Dewey, Louie, and Webbigail; Launchpad McQuack, whose skill in flight is only surpassed by his skill in crashing...
And at the center of the hurricane stands Scrooge McDuck. A tightwad at heart and a ruthless businessman, Scrooge has worked his feathers off for decades, amassing a fortune that surpasses that of any other duck in the world. Scrooge can often seem cold, harsh, heartless -- and if you're on the opposing side in a business venture, he'll be all of this and more -- but deep down this duck has the soul of an adventurer, always ready to cross the globe in search of a new treasure for his collection. And Scrooge really does care for his friends and family, and he'd even risk his fortune for them. Just don't expect him to ever admit to that.
Sample Post:
Launchpad!! When I told you to get us home ASAP, I meant in the plane, not in an ambulance!
Er... Launchpad? Boys? Where on earth are they? And for that matter, where am I? No sign of the crash site, but... How did me luggage get here? With a note pinned to the top? I canna shake the feeling I'm being set up here. Fine, I'll play along and read it...
"Treasure hunting advisor"? "Summer camp"?! ... "Unpaid position"?! This is an outrage!! If this Director thinks she can wrangle Scrooge McDuck into wasting his time on a -- a -- a charity job, well, she's got another --
Hang on. What's this footnote here? "As compensation, the dozens of priceless treasures buried and hidden within the campground are yours to keep, if you can find them."
Well, bless me bagpipes, why didn't she say so? Did I say "outrage"? What I meant to say was "honor"! I'll be glad to teach these little scamps what I know about finding treasure! At least until I actually find those treasures and get out of here! And she couldna found a better duck for the job, too -- what I know about adventuring could fill a library! Not that I'll be teaching them all me tricks. I'm the richest duck in the world, and I intend to stay that way!
Now, on to business! First things first; we'll start digging for treasure so I have an example to show the campers. I'll begin the exploration phase immediately, to be followed by excavation! And after that comes the celebration! Haha! But I'll need a labor force, of course... Ah, you there! I've got a business offer to... Curse me kilts, look at these poor saps. Well, this isn't the first time I've had to deal with a bunch of mindless zombies. And I'll take this over a marketing meeting any day!
As I was saying, I think I can make you an offer you won't want to refuse. If you agree to work exclusively under the McDuck enterprises, I can guarantee you and your friends will keep every last brain we unearth during the dig! And I'll just take any grubby old metal that gets in the way off your hands. What do you say?
Pleasure doing business with you! Now let's get a move on, everyone! Ah, Scrooge, m'boy, you've still got it.
Poll Vote!
Character: Anissina von Khrennikov
Series: Kyou Kara Maou
Job: Designer of Innovative Technology
Canon: Every kingdom has a king. In Shin Makoku, said king is a high school boy who travels by getting dragged between worlds through convenient bodies of water found in such places as, say, a toilet bowl. Even better, the kingdom is a demonic kingdom where the people call themselves mazoku, and the king's greatest task is creating peace between humans and demons.
Anissina is the resident inventor for the cast, routinely creating new contraptions with the goal of making life easier for mazoku women. New inventions require testing, and she has no problem with forcing other characters into having the opportunity to operate her machines. A demon noble herself, she often creates machines that run off of maryoku, otherwise known as demonic magic, in the king's quest for peace and to highlight her own overwhelming genius. Or so she thinks.
Sample Post:
I hear you're all suspects for the murder of Elizabeth Sayre's fiancé! And that some of you have been in this encampment for over two years! Of course, discovering the Stephen Debussey's assailant two years after the fact would be nearly impossible for anyone else. Clearly you haven't solved the mystery and located the criminal, so I will grant you my assistance in the investigation and assist Elizabeth in her touching quest for justice!
Let me to show you my latest and greatest invention! It's called the Providing Information on Magical Perpetrators, abbreviated as PIMP-kun. It functions by wielding the user's energy and determination in order to scour the landscape for any scrap of material connected to the deceased. Two years is a long time for such things to remain, but I assure you that PIMP-kun is built on very robust technology and will serve you well! With this, the Director can solve the mystery of her fiance's death without resorting to incompetent men who can't solve such a simple case.
Now, I expect you to crank the handle. Put your back into it! Surely you have enough maryoku for this. Yes, keep going! A ha ha ha ha~! Of course it's tiring. It's drawing out your energy to power itself in it's quest for answers. I'm sure it won't be much longer until we discover more about the murder than the location of several hoes covered in zombie remains. It would seem that Stephen Debaussey's death is intricately related to the hoes he kept around his person. There's no mistaking it! This one even has his initials written on it -- STD! Keep pouring your maryoku out into your work, it can't be much longer until we find some scrap of evidence to help solve the mystery.
Tired already? This machine seems to absorb a lot of your energy. The role of a machine is to make life easier for women and children in an efficient manner. Seeing as how it wears it's users down faster than actually going out to investigate the scene of the crime, I can only make one conclusion about this invention!
PIMP-kun is a failure. Does anyone need a hoe?
Poll Vote!
Character: Rude
Series: Final Fantasy VII
Character Age: Late twenties! Ish!
Job: Mostly Ignored Distributer of Broken, Obsolete, and Substandard Shotguns.
Canon: Final Fantasy VII: the story of a boy and his sword. And some other guys. I heard they saved the world or something, but really, we don't care about them. We care about the corporate evil that started it all. Or more specifically, the people that break shit for them: the Department of Administrative Research -- better known as the Turks. The not-so-secret ops of the ShinRa Electric Power Company, their only objective is to get the job done -- whether it's kidnapping your party members, assassinating that creepy crime boss, or saving tiny adorable children from the laser dragon of the week -- and to look pretty damn snappy while doing it. Sure, they might saunter away when they start to lose, but that's just so they can come back later and do it right. Eventually.
A man of few words, Rude is the one who will stand around and look imposing while someone else does the exposition for him, usually only speaking when it counts. And like most of his job, he does it well. Cool, collected, and a skilled martial artist, he's an expert at maintaining his composure in almost any situation -- and when you have a partner like Reno? It's a pretty useful skill to have. I mean, yeah, there's that occasional crush on somebody he's supposed to be fighting. But like every good Turk, dedication to the job comes before everything else. Even if that dedication involves pushing your crippled boss around in his wheelchair. Hey, somebody has to do it.
Sample Post:
. . .
Recently, a local regulation has come to light involving arms distribution to all new arrivals. It has also come to light that this distribution has been. . . lacking. After a certain amount of. . . investigation on behalf of the Turks, it seems the previous supplier is. . . no longer in a position to meet demand. And with the market currently open, our employer has decided to step in.
Starting immediately, standardized firearms will once again be made available to all interested. Individual campers will be provided with one retrofitted, military-grade double-barreled shotgun. Associated ammunition will be included, and training can be arranged upon request. Used properly and with caution, incidents causing personal harm should hopefully be kept to a minimum.
. . . . . .
Unfortunately, this is an unpredictable environment. Despite our best efforts, accidents will happen, which makes it. . . difficult for the company to guarantee your protection. We understand why this may concern you. And though resources are limited, ShinRa. . . values your safety. The company will be working to provide access to certain supplies upon demand, in the hopes of avoiding any unfortunate events. It should be noted that, among others, this includes weapons. . . slightly more suited for beginners. While effective, pointing your gun in your own direction in the face of a toucan attack is not the most advisable course of action. You may want to consider sticking to something safer -- like a baton -- until you learn otherwise. If you're anything like my partner, you. . . may need someone else to judge when you're ready.
However, specialized equipment is not without cost. And while it's difficult to put a price on security. . . it may be of some benefit to remember that the company has only your best interests in mind. In an effort to keep this level of protection accessible, a substantial discount will be offered on any initial purchase. . . though reduced supply may require restriction on what the discount entails. Bartered goods may be accepted as a substitute on a case-by-case basis, though we would appreciate it if you not waste our time with available body parts. Organ trade is. . . much less lucrative when the donor has been dead for months.
Some of you might be reluctant to take up arms, even against the undead. This is, of course, to be expected, and our goal is to make the transition as smooth as possible. I'm sure that in time, you'll. . . find it's an offer you can't refuse.
Poll Vote!
Character: Reno
Series: Final Fantasy VII
Age: Estimated late twenties/early thirties
Job: Mightily Irritating Department Boss Overseeing Shotgun Sales
Canon: Possibly the most well-know of Square-Enix's games, Final Fantasy VII is about the tenacity of the human spirit over adversity ... among other things which Square-Enix has taken several games to explain. Reno, a senior agent of the environmentally unfriendly supercompany ShinRa Electric Power Company's elite secret police (the Turks) starts off as an antagonist to the Main Heroes, doing questionable deeds because he's been ordered to do them while looking stylishly dishevelled. Whether it be slapping Cetra jesii, stepping on flowers or dropping a crime lord to his death, the Turks are here to do all of the breaking that ShinRa can possibly require. However, the combination of the Main Heroes' Righteous Crusade and, more importantly, a work ethic that is more flexible than a Russian gymnast, Reno joins the path of Justice and FreedomTM! Or at least the path of "not fucking up the planet more than Sephiroth". It's a popular path.
An arrogant slacker, Reno has turned sauntering into an artform. Initially sleazy and cynical, two years of peace have shown him losing a bit of that cynical edge and becoming ... well, a bit of a dork who gets locked out of serious discussions (quite literally), clumsily breaking Rude's sunglasses and being topped by adorable children. These things happen when you exist in a world where the savior says things like "let's mosey" and freaks about driving a submarine. Still, when he wants to be, Reno is quite capable and responsible, with a loyalty to ShinRa and, specifically Rufus Shinra, that is unshakeable and a huge amount of pride invested in his position as a Turk. It's just that most of the time he'd rather sit around, knock back a beer or twelve and talk about girls with his partner in a Completely Non-Homoerotic Manner than actually doing his job.
Sample Post:
Well, well, seems like you gotta need for some specialized shotguns. Lucky for you we were stoppin' by. Name's Reno and we're from the Turks. What's that? Oh, we do a bit of this and a bit of that, all in the name of ShinRa. And today you lucky guys are the recipients of ShinRa's charitable nature. So, you're sayin', what does this mean? It means that my buddy and I have got all kinds of shinies for you to use. Now that Rude's done with ShinRa's plans to help you help yourselves, let's show off the wares. Only let's make it snappy 'cause after this is clockin' off time and we got better things to be doin' on our time off.
First? A sawn off rifle, complete with its own rust-red heart-mark. All the rage in Midgar and very popular with the ladies. Also, if you need something a little smaller, it just breaks off at the red parts and you've got yourself a pistol. Real heart-breaker, this one. Not your style? That's okay, we got more where that came from. Next we have a fiiiine product. This here's a genuine lock 'n' drop semi-automatic. Lock the bullets in and then it drops 'em on your foot. Great toy for the kids, especially for Christmas. Just don't tell the mom and dad, huh? And this one's an import. Wutai design, and the only gun that fires backwards. I bet you that has a use too. Awww, don't you trust this face? Would I lie to you? All right, I'll show you what we've been savin' for you. This is ... no, I got no idea what this is. Rusted pipe? Dunno how that got there, let's just toss it away now ... that's your own damn fault for standing there! Tch. All right, here's one for you. A gun so stealthy, it's invisible. Betcha didn't see that one comin'. Uh uh, can't be touchin' the goods until after we make an agreement. Yeah, I knew you'd like that one. Moron.
Now we're not just doin' this out of the goodness of our hearts. No, no, no, there's gotta be somethin' in this for us too. And it won't cost you your brains -- feels like we're back in Hojo's damn lab -- 'cause all I wanna know is what's inside your lake. You know? Lake? Wa-ter? Wet? Oh you got that. We've heard the stories, blah blah wants to put its tentacles there but what I wanna know is this: is it really undefeated?
Excellent. Turks, move out!
Poll Vote!
Character: Dr. Jizabel Disraeli
Series: Count Cain/Godchild
Age: 26
Job: Camp Pharmacist
Canon: Kaori Yuki's Count Cain series and its sequel, Godchild, are both set in nineteenth century London, where a young earl with an obsession for poisons is involved in Lewis Caroll and Mother Goose-themed murder mysteries. Alongside the many dangerous situations Cain finds himself in, an underground occult society responsible for more than half of the gruesome murders in England stalks his every move.
Known in the underground world for his illegal and highly invasive methods, Dr. Jizabel Disraeli, half-brother to Cain and member of aforementioned occult society, is not the doctor you want to see for your health problems. Not only is he knowledgeable in the area of drugs and poisons extensively (it runs in the family ♥) but he has no qualms of using said drugs and poisons to perform inhuman experiments on his patients. However, to most of the world, Dr. Disraeli gives off the impression of a kind, sweet, thoughtful, occasionally silly and dramatic, and most of all, virtuous doctor, who genuinely cares about his patients. But somehow, he always manages to disappear right after said patients have met a completely unexpected and untimely demise. It's a mystery, really.
NOTE: Jizabel, in an effort to keep his identity as a crazy doctor who likes eyeballs a little too much a secret, uses a pseudonym instead of his given name most of the time.
Sample Post:
A very lovely evening to you all, ladies, gentlemen and children of all ages. It is a delight and an opportunity to make each and every one of your acquaintances. Many apologies for not arriving sooner, but I was held up by a band of men with an absolutely horrid skin condition, all of whom attempted to remove my brassiere (which, I should mention, was not on my person, thank you very much) in the confusion of a nasty-smelling smokebomb. The stench will not come out of my coat for weeks, I fear. Ah well, it's no matter, really.
What is the matter is that the men required immediate bedrest. I could tell quite easily; their condition was growing more and more noxious by the minute, you see. So I did the most humanistic thing I could think of and helped them to sleep. I know, I know, it is imperative for an upstanding doctor such as myself to listen to his patients concerns first and foremost, but they would not go willingly, so I'm afraid I had to anesthetize them right away. I do feel awful about having to take such drastic measures, but nothing could be done for it. Oh, don't worry, my dears, they will be fine. Just ignore the bloodstains, it's all a part of the standard anesthetizing procedure. Now, onto business!
Oh, but where are my manners? How simply rude of me to forget my introductions. You may call me Dr. Allen. I have heard from my employer that you already have several other doctors I will be working alongside. How marvelous! I am sure they are all wonderful and treat you with the best of care. However, you will all come to discover that I am a very special doctor; you see, I practice internal medicine. Can you all say that with me? 'In-turr-nal med-ah-sin?' Good, very good. Now, I will still fix your booboos like any other doctor here. However, the booboos I fix are your internal organs! I fix little children when there's something wrong with them happening inside their body. Oh, but how sad it is for poor boys and girls to suffer in this cold, uncaring world, that I must treat them for these diseases... ah well, no use crying over spilled appendixes, yes?
Now, I received a letter that was quite clear in my occupation here. I am only to be a neurosurgeon if there is an emergency. I know how sad that must make many of you, to know that not all of you will not be under my knife outside of special circumstances. Special circumstances for a special doctor! How funny! Instead, I will be your new pharmacist. What this means is that I will be passing out a variety of pills and liquids that will help to cure what ails you, be it horrid skin conditions like those fellows who ambushed me earlier, or growing bizarre and unfamiliar appendages in your private areas. I have a bottle of pills for just such an occasion. They're called amphetamines! For your skinned knees and your bruised ankles, the other doctors will be glad to patch you all right up, I'm sure. But when you just feel terribly dreadful and don't know what the problem is, don't hesitate to knock on my office door.
I hope to see many of you soon, my dear children.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Cecil Wormsborough St. John "Nobby" Nobbs
Series: Terry Pratchett's "Discworld"
Character Age: about 30 (but he's been saying that for quite a while now…)
Job: Folk-dancing instructor
Canon: Welcome to the Discworld. It is flat, its natural laws are governed by magic, and it is carried through space by four gigantic elephants riding on the back of a cosmic turtle. So of course, it's populated by the usual contingent of heroes and kings, villains, wizards, witches, gods, monsters, trolls and dwarves...and rather unusually, ordinary people: reporters, midwives, seamstresses, soldiers, confidence men, and the watchmen who have to sort the whole mess out. And in Ankh-Morpork, biggest city on the Disc, you never know what's going to turn up...
C. W. St.-J. Nobbs, commonly known as "Nobby", is a corporal in Ankh-Morpork's City Watch, and possibly the only human in the city who's obliged on a regular basis to produce certification that he is not, in fact, a monkey or a particularly ugly dwarf. He tends to steal anything not nailed down, including the Watch's petty cash, and sidle through any door left unlocked, and in fact he's probably having a nip out of your liquor cabinet right now. And the less said about his personal hygiene, the better. Nobby is cynical and looking out for his own well-being, frequently impudent, too fond of weapons, dishonest, and an all-around example of what not to be in a Watchman, including his habit of kicking people in sensitive places with steel-toed boots when they're down. However, there is a spark of good in him, somewhere; he's been described by his commanding officer, Sir Samuel Vimes, as a man you can trust with your life but not with a dollar, and he is unswervingly loyal to his fellow Watchmen, especially his best friend and sergeant Fred Colon. Nobby speaks in the slangy manner of an Ankh-Morpork citizen born and bred. On his days off, he enjoys questionable folk dancing , historical re-enactment, and going undercover innadress.
Sample Post:
Not what I'd call fair, callin' an officer of the Watch out on a winter's night with a promise of "gratitude an' alcoholic remuneration", then dumpin' them in a swamp with a pack of zombies an' monk--I mean the diff'rently alive and simians. That's what yer get for volunteerin' to teach a traditional folk-dancin' class. Bet none of yer's here 'cause you wants an enriching cultural experience, neither. But that Miss Director don't look like the sorta posh lady who takes kindly to muckin' about, so...which one of you buggers pinched the bells? Yeah, you, give 'em back, they ain't supposed to go in your nostrils. I dunno, I'm here outta the goodness of my heart when I could be doin' morning traffic duty with Fred...
'Ere, I know nobody likes gettin' a parking ticket, but that's no reason to give a workin' copper the finger! Where'm I supposed to keep it, for one thing? Wrong one, too. It's usually the middle one. Yeah, that one, thanks. Alright, you lot, slackin' time's over! Positions, annnnna one! Annnna TWO! AnnnaaARGH!
...listen, I know yer amateurs but here's a little startin' hint: don't belt the instructor on the head with the traditional folk-dancing stick. 'Tain't polite or in the cultural spirit of the thing, got it? Let's try it again, gorillas onna left and zombies on the right, annna one, annna two-take your partner by the hand, and-
Look, miss--oops, haha, I mean mister gorilla, innat funny, get me the bloody hell outta here. Put me down, you're makin' a terrible mistake! For starts, I'll have you for assault an' battery on a Watchman, an' if that paw goes any further south it'll be molesterin' it will! Not to mention "trespassin' on territory deemed hazardous to public health"...
Yeah, thought that'd put you off. Don't blub, you've only got yourself to blame for--oh, is that why? No, b'lieve me, common mistake. I'm dead sure I'm not a chimpanzee. I got signed papers to prove it.
Poll Vote!
Character: Takano Miyo
Series: Higurashi no Naku koro ni
Character Age: Unspecified. (Late twenties, early-thirties range.)
Proposed Counselor Job: Brain Surgeon
Canon: Hinamizawa Village. A small rural mountain town with a history of local murders which occur every year. An occurrence which leaves the local police baffled, and the townspeople murmuring about 'curses', 'demons', and outsiders being punished for not properly honoring the village.
One character in a cast of thousands making her home in this macabre setting is Takano Miyo. A woman from the city who works at the local clinic as a nurse. She is always smiling, even when discussing her absolute favorite subject: curses. Discussion of such things is taboo is Hinamizawa, but if you ask the charming and helpful Takano Miyo, she's only too happy to share her knowledge. She especially enjoys informing/scaring outsiders to Hinamizawa about the legend of the curse of the village's god: Oyashiro-sama. A tale which will hopefully reveal what really is causing all those horrible murders plaguing the town year after year. (Hint: Demons did it.)
But, if you look past her habit of discussing demons and curses with a tone and manner most people save for when talking about their favorite hobby, Takano Miyo is really a kind person. Near-impossible to anger, willing to share in a good joke, and always assuring her patients their illnesses will be cured right away.
(Spoilers hidden under white text.)
...Or rather, that is the farthest thing from the truth. Few people could begin to suspect, but the seemingly unsuspicious Takano Miyo is the real criminal mastermind behind the yearly murders. Her ultimate goal is nothing less than the complete extermination of the entire village and everyone in it. Smart, resourceful, and with a God complex that would give any Squaresoft villain a run for their money, Takano Miyo will stop at nothing to make her dream a reality... it'd almost be admirable, if her dream wasn't to kill a lot of innocent people just for the sheer sake of doing it. In this she shows no remorse, no guilt, or any other signs of humanity. Even when it comes to directly killing her 'friends' who get in her way, she does it while laughing, with a more-or-less happy disposition.
Under absolutely no circumstances should you allow Takano Miyo to perform brain surgery on you.
Sample Post:
A very depressing scene is unfolding right before my eyes. The horrible decay all around; the blood spattered left and right; the eviscerated corpses left right in the open, with the distinct, grim, spectacle of their innards torn from their abdomen, where anyone could happen upon them... Despite these familiar sights, I have the distinct feeling I am no longer in the village I've grown to know and love. Quite odd, isn't it?
Well, there is no sense in letting a perfectly good specimen go to waste. Excuse me, my new patient. Your state of being dead should clearly prevent you from squirming to and fro as you are doing now. If you do not kindly desist and remain still, I'm afraid you'll leave me no choice but to use a bit of anesthesia in the form of my boot meeting your head. ...There's a good patient. Don't move, this won't hurt a bit.
Mmhmm... I see! The cause of your condition is quite clear. You somehow managed to pierce the major organs of your nervous, circulatory, and respiratory systems all at the same time. Aren't you an overachiever? You deserve a pat on the back. --Ah, in your case, a pat on your thoracic area and the cavity which was formally your lower lumbar region, at any rate.
What else were you made to suffer from, my dear patient? I see, that is odd... It's not merely your heart, your entire circulatory system is bleeding from the inside out. Were sharks swimming in your bloodstream, my patient? Smiling pearly white jaws as they picked the juicy bits of your veins apart? Hee hee... Only joking, of course. Diseases affecting the blood just do not work that way unfortunately.
Oho? Another specimen! This is such a happy coincidence. I am so happy, so utterly delighted; to be able to partake in the delightful screaming that is sure to come. No waiting necessary, the doctor will see you right away. Now, let's take a look at that brain--
New patient-san, double bonus points to you for providing such easy access to your frontal lobes. This shall go very smoothly.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE! Closed!
Character: Scrooge McDuck
Series: DuckTales
Age: early 80s
Job: Treasure Hunting Advisor
Canon: When you watch the classic late-'80s cartoon DuckTales, the first fact you'll be informed of is that "life is like a hurricane, here in Duckburg". And really, that couldn't be more true. Even if you set aside the evil plots of the greedy villains who roam the city, there's still Gyro Gearloose's out-there inventions; the irrepressible antics of Huey, Dewey, Louie, and Webbigail; Launchpad McQuack, whose skill in flight is only surpassed by his skill in crashing...
And at the center of the hurricane stands Scrooge McDuck. A tightwad at heart and a ruthless businessman, Scrooge has worked his feathers off for decades, amassing a fortune that surpasses that of any other duck in the world. Scrooge can often seem cold, harsh, heartless -- and if you're on the opposing side in a business venture, he'll be all of this and more -- but deep down this duck has the soul of an adventurer, always ready to cross the globe in search of a new treasure for his collection. And Scrooge really does care for his friends and family, and he'd even risk his fortune for them. Just don't expect him to ever admit to that.
Sample Post:
Launchpad!! When I told you to get us home ASAP, I meant in the plane, not in an ambulance!
Er... Launchpad? Boys? Where on earth are they? And for that matter, where am I? No sign of the crash site, but... How did me luggage get here? With a note pinned to the top? I canna shake the feeling I'm being set up here. Fine, I'll play along and read it...
"Treasure hunting advisor"? "Summer camp"?! ... "Unpaid position"?! This is an outrage!! If this Director thinks she can wrangle Scrooge McDuck into wasting his time on a -- a -- a charity job, well, she's got another --
Hang on. What's this footnote here? "As compensation, the dozens of priceless treasures buried and hidden within the campground are yours to keep, if you can find them."
Well, bless me bagpipes, why didn't she say so? Did I say "outrage"? What I meant to say was "honor"! I'll be glad to teach these little scamps what I know about finding treasure! At least until I actually find those treasures and get out of here! And she couldna found a better duck for the job, too -- what I know about adventuring could fill a library! Not that I'll be teaching them all me tricks. I'm the richest duck in the world, and I intend to stay that way!
Now, on to business! First things first; we'll start digging for treasure so I have an example to show the campers. I'll begin the exploration phase immediately, to be followed by excavation! And after that comes the celebration! Haha! But I'll need a labor force, of course... Ah, you there! I've got a business offer to... Curse me kilts, look at these poor saps. Well, this isn't the first time I've had to deal with a bunch of mindless zombies. And I'll take this over a marketing meeting any day!
As I was saying, I think I can make you an offer you won't want to refuse. If you agree to work exclusively under the McDuck enterprises, I can guarantee you and your friends will keep every last brain we unearth during the dig! And I'll just take any grubby old metal that gets in the way off your hands. What do you say?
Pleasure doing business with you! Now let's get a move on, everyone! Ah, Scrooge, m'boy, you've still got it.
Poll Vote!
Character: Anissina von Khrennikov
Series: Kyou Kara Maou
Job: Designer of Innovative Technology
Canon: Every kingdom has a king. In Shin Makoku, said king is a high school boy who travels by getting dragged between worlds through convenient bodies of water found in such places as, say, a toilet bowl. Even better, the kingdom is a demonic kingdom where the people call themselves mazoku, and the king's greatest task is creating peace between humans and demons.
Anissina is the resident inventor for the cast, routinely creating new contraptions with the goal of making life easier for mazoku women. New inventions require testing, and she has no problem with forcing other characters into having the opportunity to operate her machines. A demon noble herself, she often creates machines that run off of maryoku, otherwise known as demonic magic, in the king's quest for peace and to highlight her own overwhelming genius. Or so she thinks.
Sample Post:
I hear you're all suspects for the murder of Elizabeth Sayre's fiancé! And that some of you have been in this encampment for over two years! Of course, discovering the Stephen Debussey's assailant two years after the fact would be nearly impossible for anyone else. Clearly you haven't solved the mystery and located the criminal, so I will grant you my assistance in the investigation and assist Elizabeth in her touching quest for justice!
Let me to show you my latest and greatest invention! It's called the Providing Information on Magical Perpetrators, abbreviated as PIMP-kun. It functions by wielding the user's energy and determination in order to scour the landscape for any scrap of material connected to the deceased. Two years is a long time for such things to remain, but I assure you that PIMP-kun is built on very robust technology and will serve you well! With this, the Director can solve the mystery of her fiance's death without resorting to incompetent men who can't solve such a simple case.
Now, I expect you to crank the handle. Put your back into it! Surely you have enough maryoku for this. Yes, keep going! A ha ha ha ha~! Of course it's tiring. It's drawing out your energy to power itself in it's quest for answers. I'm sure it won't be much longer until we discover more about the murder than the location of several hoes covered in zombie remains. It would seem that Stephen Debaussey's death is intricately related to the hoes he kept around his person. There's no mistaking it! This one even has his initials written on it -- STD! Keep pouring your maryoku out into your work, it can't be much longer until we find some scrap of evidence to help solve the mystery.
Tired already? This machine seems to absorb a lot of your energy. The role of a machine is to make life easier for women and children in an efficient manner. Seeing as how it wears it's users down faster than actually going out to investigate the scene of the crime, I can only make one conclusion about this invention!
PIMP-kun is a failure. Does anyone need a hoe?
Poll Vote!
Character: Rude
Series: Final Fantasy VII
Character Age: Late twenties! Ish!
Job: Mostly Ignored Distributer of Broken, Obsolete, and Substandard Shotguns.
Canon: Final Fantasy VII: the story of a boy and his sword. And some other guys. I heard they saved the world or something, but really, we don't care about them. We care about the corporate evil that started it all. Or more specifically, the people that break shit for them: the Department of Administrative Research -- better known as the Turks. The not-so-secret ops of the ShinRa Electric Power Company, their only objective is to get the job done -- whether it's kidnapping your party members, assassinating that creepy crime boss, or saving tiny adorable children from the laser dragon of the week -- and to look pretty damn snappy while doing it. Sure, they might saunter away when they start to lose, but that's just so they can come back later and do it right. Eventually.
A man of few words, Rude is the one who will stand around and look imposing while someone else does the exposition for him, usually only speaking when it counts. And like most of his job, he does it well. Cool, collected, and a skilled martial artist, he's an expert at maintaining his composure in almost any situation -- and when you have a partner like Reno? It's a pretty useful skill to have. I mean, yeah, there's that occasional crush on somebody he's supposed to be fighting. But like every good Turk, dedication to the job comes before everything else. Even if that dedication involves pushing your crippled boss around in his wheelchair. Hey, somebody has to do it.
Sample Post:
. . .
Recently, a local regulation has come to light involving arms distribution to all new arrivals. It has also come to light that this distribution has been. . . lacking. After a certain amount of. . . investigation on behalf of the Turks, it seems the previous supplier is. . . no longer in a position to meet demand. And with the market currently open, our employer has decided to step in.
Starting immediately, standardized firearms will once again be made available to all interested. Individual campers will be provided with one retrofitted, military-grade double-barreled shotgun. Associated ammunition will be included, and training can be arranged upon request. Used properly and with caution, incidents causing personal harm should hopefully be kept to a minimum.
. . . . . .
Unfortunately, this is an unpredictable environment. Despite our best efforts, accidents will happen, which makes it. . . difficult for the company to guarantee your protection. We understand why this may concern you. And though resources are limited, ShinRa. . . values your safety. The company will be working to provide access to certain supplies upon demand, in the hopes of avoiding any unfortunate events. It should be noted that, among others, this includes weapons. . . slightly more suited for beginners. While effective, pointing your gun in your own direction in the face of a toucan attack is not the most advisable course of action. You may want to consider sticking to something safer -- like a baton -- until you learn otherwise. If you're anything like my partner, you. . . may need someone else to judge when you're ready.
However, specialized equipment is not without cost. And while it's difficult to put a price on security. . . it may be of some benefit to remember that the company has only your best interests in mind. In an effort to keep this level of protection accessible, a substantial discount will be offered on any initial purchase. . . though reduced supply may require restriction on what the discount entails. Bartered goods may be accepted as a substitute on a case-by-case basis, though we would appreciate it if you not waste our time with available body parts. Organ trade is. . . much less lucrative when the donor has been dead for months.
Some of you might be reluctant to take up arms, even against the undead. This is, of course, to be expected, and our goal is to make the transition as smooth as possible. I'm sure that in time, you'll. . . find it's an offer you can't refuse.
Poll Vote!
Character: Reno
Series: Final Fantasy VII
Age: Estimated late twenties/early thirties
Job: Mightily Irritating Department Boss Overseeing Shotgun Sales
Canon: Possibly the most well-know of Square-Enix's games, Final Fantasy VII is about the tenacity of the human spirit over adversity ... among other things which Square-Enix has taken several games to explain. Reno, a senior agent of the environmentally unfriendly supercompany ShinRa Electric Power Company's elite secret police (the Turks) starts off as an antagonist to the Main Heroes, doing questionable deeds because he's been ordered to do them while looking stylishly dishevelled. Whether it be slapping Cetra jesii, stepping on flowers or dropping a crime lord to his death, the Turks are here to do all of the breaking that ShinRa can possibly require. However, the combination of the Main Heroes' Righteous Crusade and, more importantly, a work ethic that is more flexible than a Russian gymnast, Reno joins the path of Justice and FreedomTM! Or at least the path of "not fucking up the planet more than Sephiroth". It's a popular path.
An arrogant slacker, Reno has turned sauntering into an artform. Initially sleazy and cynical, two years of peace have shown him losing a bit of that cynical edge and becoming ... well, a bit of a dork who gets locked out of serious discussions (quite literally), clumsily breaking Rude's sunglasses and being topped by adorable children. These things happen when you exist in a world where the savior says things like "let's mosey" and freaks about driving a submarine. Still, when he wants to be, Reno is quite capable and responsible, with a loyalty to ShinRa and, specifically Rufus Shinra, that is unshakeable and a huge amount of pride invested in his position as a Turk. It's just that most of the time he'd rather sit around, knock back a beer or twelve and talk about girls with his partner in a Completely Non-Homoerotic Manner than actually doing his job.
Sample Post:
Well, well, seems like you gotta need for some specialized shotguns. Lucky for you we were stoppin' by. Name's Reno and we're from the Turks. What's that? Oh, we do a bit of this and a bit of that, all in the name of ShinRa. And today you lucky guys are the recipients of ShinRa's charitable nature. So, you're sayin', what does this mean? It means that my buddy and I have got all kinds of shinies for you to use. Now that Rude's done with ShinRa's plans to help you help yourselves, let's show off the wares. Only let's make it snappy 'cause after this is clockin' off time and we got better things to be doin' on our time off.
First? A sawn off rifle, complete with its own rust-red heart-mark. All the rage in Midgar and very popular with the ladies. Also, if you need something a little smaller, it just breaks off at the red parts and you've got yourself a pistol. Real heart-breaker, this one. Not your style? That's okay, we got more where that came from. Next we have a fiiiine product. This here's a genuine lock 'n' drop semi-automatic. Lock the bullets in and then it drops 'em on your foot. Great toy for the kids, especially for Christmas. Just don't tell the mom and dad, huh? And this one's an import. Wutai design, and the only gun that fires backwards. I bet you that has a use too. Awww, don't you trust this face? Would I lie to you? All right, I'll show you what we've been savin' for you. This is ... no, I got no idea what this is. Rusted pipe? Dunno how that got there, let's just toss it away now ... that's your own damn fault for standing there! Tch. All right, here's one for you. A gun so stealthy, it's invisible. Betcha didn't see that one comin'. Uh uh, can't be touchin' the goods until after we make an agreement. Yeah, I knew you'd like that one. Moron.
Now we're not just doin' this out of the goodness of our hearts. No, no, no, there's gotta be somethin' in this for us too. And it won't cost you your brains -- feels like we're back in Hojo's damn lab -- 'cause all I wanna know is what's inside your lake. You know? Lake? Wa-ter? Wet? Oh you got that. We've heard the stories, blah blah wants to put its tentacles there but what I wanna know is this: is it really undefeated?
Excellent. Turks, move out!
Poll Vote!
Character: Dr. Jizabel Disraeli
Series: Count Cain/Godchild
Age: 26
Job: Camp Pharmacist
Canon: Kaori Yuki's Count Cain series and its sequel, Godchild, are both set in nineteenth century London, where a young earl with an obsession for poisons is involved in Lewis Caroll and Mother Goose-themed murder mysteries. Alongside the many dangerous situations Cain finds himself in, an underground occult society responsible for more than half of the gruesome murders in England stalks his every move.
Known in the underground world for his illegal and highly invasive methods, Dr. Jizabel Disraeli, half-brother to Cain and member of aforementioned occult society, is not the doctor you want to see for your health problems. Not only is he knowledgeable in the area of drugs and poisons extensively (it runs in the family ♥) but he has no qualms of using said drugs and poisons to perform inhuman experiments on his patients. However, to most of the world, Dr. Disraeli gives off the impression of a kind, sweet, thoughtful, occasionally silly and dramatic, and most of all, virtuous doctor, who genuinely cares about his patients. But somehow, he always manages to disappear right after said patients have met a completely unexpected and untimely demise. It's a mystery, really.
NOTE: Jizabel, in an effort to keep his identity as a crazy doctor who likes eyeballs a little too much a secret, uses a pseudonym instead of his given name most of the time.
Sample Post:
A very lovely evening to you all, ladies, gentlemen and children of all ages. It is a delight and an opportunity to make each and every one of your acquaintances. Many apologies for not arriving sooner, but I was held up by a band of men with an absolutely horrid skin condition, all of whom attempted to remove my brassiere (which, I should mention, was not on my person, thank you very much) in the confusion of a nasty-smelling smokebomb. The stench will not come out of my coat for weeks, I fear. Ah well, it's no matter, really.
What is the matter is that the men required immediate bedrest. I could tell quite easily; their condition was growing more and more noxious by the minute, you see. So I did the most humanistic thing I could think of and helped them to sleep. I know, I know, it is imperative for an upstanding doctor such as myself to listen to his patients concerns first and foremost, but they would not go willingly, so I'm afraid I had to anesthetize them right away. I do feel awful about having to take such drastic measures, but nothing could be done for it. Oh, don't worry, my dears, they will be fine. Just ignore the bloodstains, it's all a part of the standard anesthetizing procedure. Now, onto business!
Oh, but where are my manners? How simply rude of me to forget my introductions. You may call me Dr. Allen. I have heard from my employer that you already have several other doctors I will be working alongside. How marvelous! I am sure they are all wonderful and treat you with the best of care. However, you will all come to discover that I am a very special doctor; you see, I practice internal medicine. Can you all say that with me? 'In-turr-nal med-ah-sin?' Good, very good. Now, I will still fix your booboos like any other doctor here. However, the booboos I fix are your internal organs! I fix little children when there's something wrong with them happening inside their body. Oh, but how sad it is for poor boys and girls to suffer in this cold, uncaring world, that I must treat them for these diseases... ah well, no use crying over spilled appendixes, yes?
Now, I received a letter that was quite clear in my occupation here. I am only to be a neurosurgeon if there is an emergency. I know how sad that must make many of you, to know that not all of you will not be under my knife outside of special circumstances. Special circumstances for a special doctor! How funny! Instead, I will be your new pharmacist. What this means is that I will be passing out a variety of pills and liquids that will help to cure what ails you, be it horrid skin conditions like those fellows who ambushed me earlier, or growing bizarre and unfamiliar appendages in your private areas. I have a bottle of pills for just such an occasion. They're called amphetamines! For your skinned knees and your bruised ankles, the other doctors will be glad to patch you all right up, I'm sure. But when you just feel terribly dreadful and don't know what the problem is, don't hesitate to knock on my office door.
I hope to see many of you soon, my dear children.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Cecil Wormsborough St. John "Nobby" Nobbs
Series: Terry Pratchett's "Discworld"
Character Age: about 30 (but he's been saying that for quite a while now…)
Job: Folk-dancing instructor
Canon: Welcome to the Discworld. It is flat, its natural laws are governed by magic, and it is carried through space by four gigantic elephants riding on the back of a cosmic turtle. So of course, it's populated by the usual contingent of heroes and kings, villains, wizards, witches, gods, monsters, trolls and dwarves...and rather unusually, ordinary people: reporters, midwives, seamstresses, soldiers, confidence men, and the watchmen who have to sort the whole mess out. And in Ankh-Morpork, biggest city on the Disc, you never know what's going to turn up...
C. W. St.-J. Nobbs, commonly known as "Nobby", is a corporal in Ankh-Morpork's City Watch, and possibly the only human in the city who's obliged on a regular basis to produce certification that he is not, in fact, a monkey or a particularly ugly dwarf. He tends to steal anything not nailed down, including the Watch's petty cash, and sidle through any door left unlocked, and in fact he's probably having a nip out of your liquor cabinet right now. And the less said about his personal hygiene, the better. Nobby is cynical and looking out for his own well-being, frequently impudent, too fond of weapons, dishonest, and an all-around example of what not to be in a Watchman, including his habit of kicking people in sensitive places with steel-toed boots when they're down. However, there is a spark of good in him, somewhere; he's been described by his commanding officer, Sir Samuel Vimes, as a man you can trust with your life but not with a dollar, and he is unswervingly loyal to his fellow Watchmen, especially his best friend and sergeant Fred Colon. Nobby speaks in the slangy manner of an Ankh-Morpork citizen born and bred. On his days off, he enjoys questionable folk dancing , historical re-enactment, and going undercover innadress.
Sample Post:
Not what I'd call fair, callin' an officer of the Watch out on a winter's night with a promise of "gratitude an' alcoholic remuneration", then dumpin' them in a swamp with a pack of zombies an' monk--I mean the diff'rently alive and simians. That's what yer get for volunteerin' to teach a traditional folk-dancin' class. Bet none of yer's here 'cause you wants an enriching cultural experience, neither. But that Miss Director don't look like the sorta posh lady who takes kindly to muckin' about, so...which one of you buggers pinched the bells? Yeah, you, give 'em back, they ain't supposed to go in your nostrils. I dunno, I'm here outta the goodness of my heart when I could be doin' morning traffic duty with Fred...
'Ere, I know nobody likes gettin' a parking ticket, but that's no reason to give a workin' copper the finger! Where'm I supposed to keep it, for one thing? Wrong one, too. It's usually the middle one. Yeah, that one, thanks. Alright, you lot, slackin' time's over! Positions, annnnna one! Annnna TWO! AnnnaaARGH!
...listen, I know yer amateurs but here's a little startin' hint: don't belt the instructor on the head with the traditional folk-dancing stick. 'Tain't polite or in the cultural spirit of the thing, got it? Let's try it again, gorillas onna left and zombies on the right, annna one, annna two-take your partner by the hand, and-
Look, miss--oops, haha, I mean mister gorilla, innat funny, get me the bloody hell outta here. Put me down, you're makin' a terrible mistake! For starts, I'll have you for assault an' battery on a Watchman, an' if that paw goes any further south it'll be molesterin' it will! Not to mention "trespassin' on territory deemed hazardous to public health"...
Yeah, thought that'd put you off. Don't blub, you've only got yourself to blame for--oh, is that why? No, b'lieve me, common mistake. I'm dead sure I'm not a chimpanzee. I got signed papers to prove it.
Poll Vote!
Character: Takano Miyo
Series: Higurashi no Naku koro ni
Character Age: Unspecified. (Late twenties, early-thirties range.)
Proposed Counselor Job: Brain Surgeon
Canon: Hinamizawa Village. A small rural mountain town with a history of local murders which occur every year. An occurrence which leaves the local police baffled, and the townspeople murmuring about 'curses', 'demons', and outsiders being punished for not properly honoring the village.
One character in a cast of thousands making her home in this macabre setting is Takano Miyo. A woman from the city who works at the local clinic as a nurse. She is always smiling, even when discussing her absolute favorite subject: curses. Discussion of such things is taboo is Hinamizawa, but if you ask the charming and helpful Takano Miyo, she's only too happy to share her knowledge. She especially enjoys informing/scaring outsiders to Hinamizawa about the legend of the curse of the village's god: Oyashiro-sama. A tale which will hopefully reveal what really is causing all those horrible murders plaguing the town year after year. (Hint: Demons did it.)
But, if you look past her habit of discussing demons and curses with a tone and manner most people save for when talking about their favorite hobby, Takano Miyo is really a kind person. Near-impossible to anger, willing to share in a good joke, and always assuring her patients their illnesses will be cured right away.
(Spoilers hidden under white text.)
...Or rather, that is the farthest thing from the truth. Few people could begin to suspect, but the seemingly unsuspicious Takano Miyo is the real criminal mastermind behind the yearly murders. Her ultimate goal is nothing less than the complete extermination of the entire village and everyone in it. Smart, resourceful, and with a God complex that would give any Squaresoft villain a run for their money, Takano Miyo will stop at nothing to make her dream a reality... it'd almost be admirable, if her dream wasn't to kill a lot of innocent people just for the sheer sake of doing it. In this she shows no remorse, no guilt, or any other signs of humanity. Even when it comes to directly killing her 'friends' who get in her way, she does it while laughing, with a more-or-less happy disposition.
Under absolutely no circumstances should you allow Takano Miyo to perform brain surgery on you.
Sample Post:
A very depressing scene is unfolding right before my eyes. The horrible decay all around; the blood spattered left and right; the eviscerated corpses left right in the open, with the distinct, grim, spectacle of their innards torn from their abdomen, where anyone could happen upon them... Despite these familiar sights, I have the distinct feeling I am no longer in the village I've grown to know and love. Quite odd, isn't it?
Well, there is no sense in letting a perfectly good specimen go to waste. Excuse me, my new patient. Your state of being dead should clearly prevent you from squirming to and fro as you are doing now. If you do not kindly desist and remain still, I'm afraid you'll leave me no choice but to use a bit of anesthesia in the form of my boot meeting your head. ...There's a good patient. Don't move, this won't hurt a bit.
Mmhmm... I see! The cause of your condition is quite clear. You somehow managed to pierce the major organs of your nervous, circulatory, and respiratory systems all at the same time. Aren't you an overachiever? You deserve a pat on the back. --Ah, in your case, a pat on your thoracic area and the cavity which was formally your lower lumbar region, at any rate.
What else were you made to suffer from, my dear patient? I see, that is odd... It's not merely your heart, your entire circulatory system is bleeding from the inside out. Were sharks swimming in your bloodstream, my patient? Smiling pearly white jaws as they picked the juicy bits of your veins apart? Hee hee... Only joking, of course. Diseases affecting the blood just do not work that way unfortunately.
Oho? Another specimen! This is such a happy coincidence. I am so happy, so utterly delighted; to be able to partake in the delightful screaming that is sure to come. No waiting necessary, the doctor will see you right away. Now, let's take a look at that brain--
New patient-san, double bonus points to you for providing such easy access to your frontal lobes. This shall go very smoothly.
Poll Vote!