(no subject)
MOAR APPS. We're getting there, you guys!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Sergeant Major Kururu
Series: Keroro Gunso/Sgt. Frog
Age: Unknown
Job: Supreme Tech Support Overlord
Canon: Imagine, if you will, if CareBears got knocked up by Pinky & the Brain and drank heavily, and the resulting lovechild was adopted by a well-meaning but ultimately insane Japanese family. The show created from this unholy union would probably be something along the lines of Keroro Gunso. Keroro Gunso (roughly translatable to Sergeant Frog) is an anime and manga series chronicling a platoon of adorable roly-poly frog-like aliens and their misadventures in attempting to take over the world. Or, more frequently, buying Gundam models, plotting elaborate moneymaking schemes, trying to create their own anime, and doing nearly anything besides what their mission actually is.
Kururu is the brains of the platoon, for whatever that's worth. Though he is the highest-ranking member of the group, his giant ego, unpleasant demeanor and tendency to be a two-faced scheming sadist keep him from becoming the leader. Officially in charge of intelligence, he spends the majority of his time secluded in his laboratory behind the screen of his laptop, creating new inventions and devising intricate methods of making people's lives miserable. Theoretically, his creations are meant to assist in the invasion of Earth. Mostly, though, they end up being tested on his comrades, much to their horror... and his endless amusement.
Note: "Kukukuku~" is the closest that text can come to portraying Kururu's high-pitched soul-crushing giggle.
Sample Post:
Your New Amphibian Overlord (kukukururu) wrote in news,
@ 2007-12-14 RAPE:O:CLOCK
In Soviet CFUD, LiveJournal Updates You
2008 is shaping up to be a year full of promise for all, but especially for the capitalist slaves to the LiveJournal. I am proud to be the one to announce Camp Fuck You Die's official partnership with LiveJournal, and your impending annexation into Russia. More importantly, I, your new Supreme Technical Support Overlord Kururu, have been appointed to a position of absolute authority over the glorious system of tubes that falls within the bounds of of Soviet CFUD.
To commemorate this event, a fifteen-foot high portrait of myself now adorns the technical support office in order to build morale and inspire the troops. Everyone should aspire to my level of genius. Kukuku~ In this grand (although still not quite grand enough) portrayal of me, I am saluting to the sound of screams from the Gulags. Like so: \(|@u@|)
Look how perfectly I've converted my headphones into an ASCII medium~
"Once The V-Gifts Go Out, Who Cares Where They End Up?"
That's not my department. Kukuku~ For the entire month of December, all V-gifts will be upgraded for no cost. Yes, they're quite state-of-the-art. For example, the fluffy, adorable polar bear V-gift has been upgraded to Polar Bear 2.0: Fluffy, Adorable, And Maiming You. In a display of my boundless generosity and Christmas spirit, I have sent a few early examples to random users completely free of charge.
Just this morning I received a message from a valued customer who had purchased a V-gift for his internet girlfriend. Upon receiving the gift, it turned into a stack of digital pornographic magazines. People should have something to do around Christmas, snowed in, alone in their cabin, don't you think? Unfortunately, neither one of them can access her LiveJournal any longer, as it now has the adult filter on and they're only thirteen~. Tch... young love never lasts anyway. He should be thanking me for sparing him the slow death of his doomed relationship. However, as a complimentary prize for being so brave as to message me, I have bestowed upon the young man the V-gift that keeps on giving... a glass of eggnog filled with Christmas roofies.
Cheers~ <3
What Does This Mean?
Rejoice, for a glorious future awaits you all. You may have misgivings at first, but they will disappear as you inevitably submit to the will of your new lord and master Kururu. Do not doubt for a moment that I will turn every attention to making your lives as unrelentingly interesting as possible. After all, customer service is my highest priority. I'll be seated atop my Tech Support throne, where I've provided a stepladder upon which customers may kneel as they service me~.
Poll Vote!
Character: Corporal Giroro
Series: Keroro Gunsou/Sgt. Frog
Age: Unknown, presumed to be an adult frog.
Job: Self-Defense for Young Women
Canon: Keroro Gunso is the heartwarming and retarded story of how alien frogs attempt to invade Earth, but opt instead for lazing around cleaning houses, building Gundam models, and occasionally saving the world from self-made disasters. They would like everyone to believe that this is all part of their master plan to take over the planet, but it's obvious that said alien troop's biggest hobby is doing nothing.
Corporal Giroro is the backbone of his platoon, serious and blindly committed to his duty -- whatever that may be. The stereotypical hardworking army man, he believes in fundamental ideals that all good soldiers should support: intense training, meticulously cleaning your weapons, doing inventory of your supplies whenever a spare moment arises, and degrading troops to raise morale. Unfortunately for him, all of the other members of his team are, in his opinion, absolute idiots. He also quickly and easily falls prey to emotions such as anger and embarrassment, a fact which serves as constant amusement to his comrades. To combat the slow, painful death of his sanity, hardened veteran Giroro crushes innocently on headstrong teenage girls and rescues kittens from the rain.
Sample Post:
Good morning, troops. You've all been signed up for the opportunity of your lifetime. Welcome to Operation C.F.U.D., or "Cannon Fodder United in Despair" for those of you who were too busy sulking in your bunks to bother to decode the message I sent. Corporal Giroro present, and I'll be your superior, instructor and substitute parent until you've all refined the fine art of victory. It's a day full of promise, and I don't intend to let that go to waste. Today we'll be starting with the usual drills and elementary exercises -- but don't expect me to go so easy any other time. Tomorrow I expect your enthusiastic participation in a run to welcome the dawn, keeping in mind that tardiness will be punished relentlessly. Respect will be earned, and mercy shall be a prize for the worthy alone.
Take a deep breath, soldiers, and savour the smell of toucan-excrement-reminiscent-of-napalm in the morning. It's what will become the most pleasant part of your day, apart from fighting off the hungry natives. Although, none of you really have anything to worry about -- they're looking for signs of intelligence and I doubt any of you have a surplus. For the weak, the days ahead will seem to hold an overwhelming darkness... not unlike the vast, unexplored wilderness of your brains.
Fortunately for you lot, I've made sure you'll all have the proper ration of daily "SPAM" for your burnt toast. Comfort food at its best. I've been told that it's a staple of your planet and originates in tubes, ready to be harvested. Multiple reports also detail the absolute mess of a jungle these specific series of tubes can be found in. It seems even "the horror, the horror" isn't quite enough to describe the enormous amount of fright it induces.
Needless to say, you'll be retrieving your own breakfast.
... Heh. That was satisfying. A motivational speech fit for the finest battalion, not that you're anywhere close. Let's take a look at the roster, even if I'll be calling you by numbers one through nine-thousand until the day you die -- just for tradition's sake. First up, a strapping young lad by the name of "36DD". ... what the Hell kind of name is that? Didn't your parents have the sense to name you after a vehicle or at least your grandmother? Pathetic. Remember, I only yell because I care... about how much you're capable of exploding. Next up, "Ilikelongwalksonthebeach" and "Romanticcandlelitdinners". Twins, how fancy--
...
What? What do you mean I won't be training fresh, new, and easily intimidated cadets? It must be a mistake! The mission briefing explicitly stated that I would be in whipping into shape this encampment's most depressing, deprived young -- ... females. Hmm, that's alarming and inconvenient. But no matter. Women, with the proper training, are as capable as men on the battlefield. If not more terrifying. The first obstacle we'll be facing together... Self-defense is it? Ha! The best defense is a brutal offense! We'll begin the drills like I said, soldiers. Stretch and start on five laps around the lake, and -- ...and and your chest, miss i believe it's military protocol to support it and
......it's appreciated that every part of you is atsuchimmediateattention!!!
Poll Vote!
Character: Gutten Kisling
Series: Okage: Shadow King
Character Age: 45
Job: Professor of Paranormal Phenomena
Canon: Enter the world of Okage; a world that is much like that of our own…if you ignore the abundance of ghosts, somewhat oblivious denizens, and the fact that society is kept in hand solely through the Power of Classification. Said power is administered in the form of an annual list which fits the entire populous into neat little categories. These categories include such things as "Evil King", "Normal Boy", and "Crackpot Scientist".
As the self-proclaimed "world's most prolific ghost researcher", renowned in certain scientific circles for his Kisling Squid Ring Theory, Professor Gutten Kisling would fit very snugly into the last category of crackpot scientist. While he is very knowledgeable, as he constantly claims, he often demonstrates his intelligence by saying things in 30 words what can easily be said in 10. These somewhat special speaking skills are used in his attempts to act as the voice of reason for the rest of the game's party (which he was allowed to join only to annoy Stan, another party member). Any and all advice, however, is largely ignored by the rest of the group. While his heart is in the right place, he is still not the most useful member; his interpretation of "fighting" being "bashing things with ghost books". His hobbies include using field research as a cover for spying on young women, violently abusing his inner thesaurus, using (very) outdated slang, and clipping his toenails.
Sample Post:
Welcome, my young and eager students! My name is Professor Gutten Kisling, and I'm pleased to grace your presence with my most astonishing intellect! You see, my newly-acquainted class, due to my world-renowned research and aforementioned genius, I have been assigned as this establishment's most prodigious purveyor of knowledge regarding the nature of phantasmal occurrences on our present plane!
In layman's terms: Your totally tubular Professor of Paranormal Phenomena!
Now, for our first class, I'll be taking you on a chaperoned voyage to a location of potentially educational value! A field trip! Ah, yes. I see you're moaning with delight already! Earlier this week, through my powerful skills of deduction and a bit of dowsing, I have found the one spot in this camp with the highest level of ghost activity. We will be trekking to this spot, where I shall demonstrate the fine art of ghost research! Come with me, my plucky pack of pupils, to a riveting enterprise within the treacherous terrain of learning~!
Ah ha! Behold, the epitome of paranormal activity in all of its moist, tiled glory! The woman's bathroom! Ghosts are much like the fungus that one finds whilst clipping their toenails; they're attracted to warm, damp places. And the view is sure to attract a few ah...eheheh…ahem! You, ma'am! Yes, you, the one with the incredibly tiny towel! And the unsettling amount of back hair. What we have here, class, is an excellent example of a real live, or shall we say, dead, bona fide GHOST!
Watch as it exhibits the first sign of phantasmality: Denial, demonstrated by the enraged roaring and beating of the chest. If that's not enough, the clear ghostigma is made painfully obvious by this young...lady's blatant physical deformities! Notice the abnormally tantalizing curves; the immense inflammation of the chest area; the substantial amount of junk in that trunk; the odd purple tint of the aforementioned backhair; the sheer bootytastic form of that aAAUGH OH THAT STINGSSSS!!
...S-Sadly, my beloved class, we have run out of time for today. Your homework for tonight is to acquire a copious supply of eyewash, in case we encounter more pepper spray-based threats! Next class we will be learning about Tae Kwon Geist: the art of self-defense against those of the phantasmal persuasion! Ta-ta!
Poll Vote!
Character: Morrolan e'Drien
Series: The Vlad Taltos novels, by Stephen Brust
Character Age: 500+
Job: Camp Supervisor of War and Festivities
Canon: Imagine your typical fantasy world, populated with wizards, elves, gods and dragons.
Now make the elves ultracivilized, bloodthirsty shounen retards with a hundred-thousand-year-old empire that stretches across a world, with humans as a restless lower class subject to prejudice and discrimination. Add a dash of sarcastic humor and a double handful of Alexander Dumas-style cloak and dagger antics, and you have something pretty close to the world of the Vlad Taltos novels.
Lord Morrolan e'Drien is a noble of the House of the Dragon, one of the seventeen Houses of the Draegerean Empire. Like most of his House, he's intelligent, honorable, fearless and convinced that any problem can be solved at the point of a sword. He's also kind and generous to his friends, eternally curious and just a little bit naive -- the last of which generally manifests in a refusal to break his sworn word and an unshakeable belief in his own invincibility. A highly accomplished sorcerer and the wielder of the soul-eating sword Blackwand, he hasn't been proved wrong very often.
Morrolan is taken from the time of the Vlad Taltos novels, but some of his speech patterns are taken from the Khaavren Romances, which precede the former by several hundred years.
Sample Entry:
I am nearly beginning to think that I have been deceived.
For one thing, it is most unusual for an imperial command to arrive via messenger when the Empress could contact me herself, leaving no question of joking or falsehood. For another, I do not believe I am even in the Empire anymore, or even on the same world; the climate is quite unmistakably different, to say nothing of the stench. And for a third, well, let us observe that "Supervisor of War and Festivities" is a peculiarly named Imperial position, which I confess I accepted mostly for the sake of curiosity.
So, the question becomes, how shall I confirm my suspicion? The simplest solution would be to contact the Empress, were it not for the fact that sorcerous communication seems to be blocked. Moreover, it seems that the teleport block set up around this encampment leaves no question of putting the matter to her in person. How exceedingly vexing.
And yet, let us consider. Could not the existence of this block be evidence that I have, indeed, been deceived? To the left, I find it difficult to conceive that anyone capable of creating it would bother with deception. But to the right, there is no reason for such a potent spell unless I was brought here under false pretenses. I can see that there will be no resolving this matter until I discover this mysterious sorcerer and say two words to him on the matter.
...ah! It seems that I am not alone after all, or at least, there is someone here who wishes to make psychic contact. Perhaps he or she will do me the honor of explaining my situation further; it is undeniable, after all, that as a Supervisor of War there must be soldiers for me to command, and further that as Supervisor of Festivities there must be festivities to supervise. Thus far the beings I have encountered have shown little inclination to speak, which is only natural since they all without exception appear to be undead.
Well, if that is one of my officers, then I seem to have a great deal of work to do if I am to impose discipline. I am quite certain that such an act should not be suggested to one's commander; not to mention that it seems anatomically improbable and unpleasantly feathery. Indeed, I am most disconcerted by the very idea, and find it entirely offensive. The next man or woman to make such a suggestion will feel the bite of my black wand!
...I assure you, sir or madam, that was in no sense a euphemism, and your hopeful tone is quite out of order.
Poll Vote!
Character: Skulduggery Pleasant
Series: Skulduggery Pleasant by Derek Landy
Character Age: a few hundred years, give or take
Job: Representative of the Formerly Dead and Newly Reanimated
Canon: We've all heard the story before: There is a world that normal humans don't know about. With wizards, and vampires, and monsters. A world of a the supernatural that most people will never know about. Such is the case with twelve-year-old Stephanie. That is, until she is saved from an attack on her home by a walking, talking, fire-throwing skeleton in a suit. His name is Skulduggery Pleasant.
Back when he was of the more fleshy persuasion, Skul was a leader in the Big Big Magical War Between Good and Evil (for the good side, of course. The cover of the book makes VERY sure we know he's a good guy), but was, alas, captured and killed by the baddies. Well, he wasn't about to take that lying down and literally pulled himself together. Fast forward a couple hundred years to the present, and Skul's still going strong. Now though, he's retired from the life of a soldier and works as a detective. He's adjusted nicely to being-alive-but-not-really, and doesn't let being a skeleton get in his way.
Skulduggery is quick witted, smooth-talking, and generally has a good sense of humor. He's been around a long time, and while he's not overtly trusting of most things, he's fairly amiable. He does have a tendency to ramble, but this may come out of the fact that he just likes to hear his own voice. (Why yes, he is a little full of himself. Why do you ask?) Despite his being a detective, he has a general disregard for authority (this could also be because he's been around for a long time) and seems to like butting heads with those in charge of the magical community... and then there's the burglary, nevermind that it was for a good cause. What the big-wigs don't know won't hurt them, right?
Sample Post:
Really. If you're expecting me to fraternize with zombies - let alone represent them - I feel I should kindly inform you that I would not be caught dead in their company. Well, yes, I meant that in a purely metaphorical way, seeing as I'm not technically alive. You do get my point, don't you? Nasty things, zombies. Highly unsanitary, not to mention downright stupid. And don't get me started on their little... habit of misplacing their extremities. I lost my own head once. It was not an experience I would like to call "fun". Quite the opposite, actually.
---Ah, sir. Kindly don't touch my jacket. I paid good money for this, and I would rather not have to burn it. Rotting flesh is so hard to get out of this type of fabric, you see. And I can't very well bleach a black coat, now could I? I'd look awfully silly with white splotches going up my arm. I fear no one would be able to take me seriousl--- Oh, yes. "Braaaains." Classic zombie, aren't you? Right out of a B grade horror film. Let me tell you, from one undead fellow to another, you could really use some. I've had more intelligent conversations with pieces of carpet.
That's not to say I go about trying to strike up conversation with pieces of flooring, exactly. Well, there was that one incident in Waterford, but I would prefer not to talk about that.
Yes, yes. I understand already. I'm very aware - I might even go so far as to say painfully aware - of your need for brains. Shall I tend to the duties that have been foisted upon me and relay that to the lady in charge of this fine establishment? Perhaps she has some spares in jars in her cabinet. ...Granted, that wouldn't surprise me in the least. I once knew a fellow who kept brains in jars. It was a bit of a hobby, though I didn't dare ask him where he got them---
Sir, what did I tell you about touching my coat? I'll only ask you once more to please remove your hand.
---Ah. Um. Well.
You may wish to take all of your fingers with you.
Poll Vote!
Character: Raine Sage
Series: Tales of Symphonia
Age: 23
Job: Healing Arts Instructor
Canon: Tales of Symphonia is a game about a group of people from various walks of life trying to save two worlds. They face racism, oppression and hordes of beings that are far from holy. Oh and they suffer through some backstabbing too for good measure. All for the bargain price of one journey, folks!
Helping some of the younger party members keep their heads together is Raine. First introduced as a teacher from a small village, Raine is calm, intelligent, and easily one of the most mature and rational characters in the game. Due to unfortunate and spoilerific events in her past, she was forced to take care of her younger brother alone and has since then adopted a motherly/big sister attitude towards her students. This doesn't mean she'll sugarcoat things, though; she'd prefer to be realistic to the point of sounding cold when she bluntly states the truth to others.
But even a person like Raine has flaws. The strict but caring teacher persona goes right out the window whenever the party encounters something new and shiny. She will heartmark, laugh maniacally and demand that the party sticks around so she can research the subject further. In short, she’s a shameless fangirl for science and history. It's enough to make her brother be embarrassed of her. Furthermore, Raine’s awfully violent for someone who’s supposed to be the party’s main healer. Anyone who insults the value of academics, or just pisses her off gets smacked or kicked. That's also how she disciplines her students and her brother. It's tough love. Really.
Sample Post:
MARVELOUS~! Absolutely amazing! The bark is clearly oak and yet I've never seen an oak tree produce underwear before! What a fine example of plant crossbreeding! Perhaps it can grow other clothes? Since underwear is a fruit for this tree, maybe they double as food too. Oh, just imagine! Blueberry boxers, peach panties and apple briefs to keep you warm during the winter! There's so much potential! Is there something in water that causes this? Hahaha! This is so exciting! ♥ If I could get a sample and...
...Oh! Ah, ahem! Greetings, campers. I am Professor Sage and I have been invited by your director to teach a course on the healing arts. Judging by the unusual and fascinating wildlife here, it appears that even the most basic spells can be useful in case you're attacked. So let's get started.
First off, let me make it clear that the healing arts are a difficult set of skills to master. And although I doubt it'll happen very often here, it's important to remember you could be casting in the heat of battle. You may find yourself entangled by the vines of camp's more aggressive plants or by the lake monster's massive tentacles. It's not just a matter of making your stick heal people with its light. You need channel your mana and focus hard on your target-...Stop laughing. This is serious.
As I was saying, we'll cover the basics in greater detail later this week. Also on a related note, there is no such thing as a spell that starts off with 'healing light of'. Anyone I catch using crude language to finish that phrase will be disciplined.
Second of all, although I appreciate the effort the director put in setting up this course, it appears there's been a mix-up with the textbooks. Something has bitten off the pages and even some of the covers from these copies. Although from what I can read, perhaps these textbooks were better off as chew toys. I can only hope the author had a bad sense of humor when they wrote "when in doubt, clean the soul with fire" and "'tis just a flesh wound when you lose an arm". Luckily, I've already obtained some better books from the library so that we may have an organized class.
Now then, for your first assignment, please read the first five chapters and write a two-hundred word summary for each. You will also be tested.
...No, 'too long; didn't read' will not be an acceptable excuse.
Poll Vote!
Character: XANXUS
Series: Katekyo Hitman Reborn!
Character Age: 24
Job: Pet Sitter
Canon: There's a rule of thumb one should keep in mind when reading Katekyo Hitman Reborn!. Smile and nod. Just smile and nod. Reborn! is a series about the mafia, except on crack, where bazookas can shoot you into the future and babies are totally valid mafia members rly! The tale follows No Good Tsuna as he gets non-conned into becoming the Tenth Boss of the Vongola famiglia. But in the way, there are many obstacles he has to overcome, and one of them is the Varia.
The Varia is the special elite assassination squad of Vongola, and at its head is Xanxus, whose sole goal in life is to become the Tenth Boss instead of Tsuna. Xanxus is a cunning man, who when he doesn't get what he wants, he finds a way to take it. Who needs morality if it doesn't get you what you want? If Bel is a prince, then Xanxus is a king, and he thinks of all of you - yes, you too - as scum. Disdainful, angry at the world, he openly looks down on people. (He also still has a sixteen year old's immaturity, since he got turned into a popsicle by the Ninth Boss and remained in stasis for eight years.) And he is angry! Very angry! His wrath is so amazing people follow him for it. His name is ALL CAPS to signify his RAAAAAAAGE. It even made the council of higher-ups support him to be the next boss... well, until he tried to kill them all, anyway.
Sample Entry:
THEM! How dare they!? Those bastards think they can send me to such a filthy place? Me! Not even for a mission, but to be a pet sitter!! Who the hell do they think I am!? Ninth, that old fart! He dares to set me up again. He wants this place to teach me a lesson? Bah! Don't make me sick! What lesson? He's just trying to pull me down to the level of trash with that whimpering soft-heartedness of his. Even commanding me not to kick puppies! I'll kick all the puppies I want. Would any of you scum like to protest that? No? Hmph, all of you shambling things are literally falling apart. Placed lower than these creatures - you're fucking kidding me. I'll kill you all! Your little pets? I'll obliterate them. Shuffling around like that, what do you think you could do against me, XANXUS?
Che! Those old geezers on the council... underestimating me! Do they think can keep me here? Thinking they're doing me a favor, telling me I can be healed by the... shining light of Camp if I'd only let it. Phaaah, I don't have any wounds that won't heal. Looking down at me with those pitying eyes, those scumbags! Even letting these brats think they can shove their little mongrels at me! I don't fucking need their help, or any of that rubbish.
Hmph, let me guess, those gorillas were for me to watch too? Start off with something large... And now they're dead! Oh whoops, it seems my hand slipped. I was only moving them out of my way, but they grunted and came at me. Hah! They only get what they deserve for rising up against me. You're no match at all.
...What, you scums are still milling about? Brains, brains, just shut up! Fufufu... Bhahahaha! Yes, that's good! Lower your heads- how literal of them. Stupid things. Understand your place? Fine, I'll spare you for now. Well? One of you scumbags go get me a chair, and keep it clean. You there, bring me a drink. What are you moaning and shaking your head at me for? You... Are you seriously thinking of defying me? Bastard! Trash! Think on your position with your head smashed in. Bhaha! It's still twitching on the ground. Are they all like that? Undying, hm? You think that's enough to go against me? Go rest in pieces then, you little shits! Hmph, well? Where's my seat? Just because you have no arms doesn't mean you can't bring it to me. Useless scum. Never mind, just get out of my way. I'm leaving this place.
This light--! It's pushing me back!? Where the fuck is that choir coming from? This can't be... that shining light!? Scums! Bastards! You shitheads, I'll kill you for this!! Trying to bury me in cherry blossoms now? Sparkles!? I'LL DESTROY IT ALL. You think carrying me over a rainbow will prevent me from eliminating all that you care for? YOU TRAAAaaaaash!
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character: Sergeant Major Kururu
Series: Keroro Gunso/Sgt. Frog
Age: Unknown
Job: Supreme Tech Support Overlord
Canon: Imagine, if you will, if CareBears got knocked up by Pinky & the Brain and drank heavily, and the resulting lovechild was adopted by a well-meaning but ultimately insane Japanese family. The show created from this unholy union would probably be something along the lines of Keroro Gunso. Keroro Gunso (roughly translatable to Sergeant Frog) is an anime and manga series chronicling a platoon of adorable roly-poly frog-like aliens and their misadventures in attempting to take over the world. Or, more frequently, buying Gundam models, plotting elaborate moneymaking schemes, trying to create their own anime, and doing nearly anything besides what their mission actually is.
Kururu is the brains of the platoon, for whatever that's worth. Though he is the highest-ranking member of the group, his giant ego, unpleasant demeanor and tendency to be a two-faced scheming sadist keep him from becoming the leader. Officially in charge of intelligence, he spends the majority of his time secluded in his laboratory behind the screen of his laptop, creating new inventions and devising intricate methods of making people's lives miserable. Theoretically, his creations are meant to assist in the invasion of Earth. Mostly, though, they end up being tested on his comrades, much to their horror... and his endless amusement.
Note: "Kukukuku~" is the closest that text can come to portraying Kururu's high-pitched soul-crushing giggle.
Sample Post:
Your New Amphibian Overlord (kukukururu) wrote in news,
@ 2007-12-14 RAPE:O:CLOCK
In Soviet CFUD, LiveJournal Updates You
2008 is shaping up to be a year full of promise for all, but especially for the capitalist slaves to the LiveJournal. I am proud to be the one to announce Camp Fuck You Die's official partnership with LiveJournal, and your impending annexation into Russia. More importantly, I, your new Supreme Technical Support Overlord Kururu, have been appointed to a position of absolute authority over the glorious system of tubes that falls within the bounds of of Soviet CFUD.
To commemorate this event, a fifteen-foot high portrait of myself now adorns the technical support office in order to build morale and inspire the troops. Everyone should aspire to my level of genius. Kukuku~ In this grand (although still not quite grand enough) portrayal of me, I am saluting to the sound of screams from the Gulags. Like so: \(|@u@|)
Look how perfectly I've converted my headphones into an ASCII medium~
"Once The V-Gifts Go Out, Who Cares Where They End Up?"
That's not my department. Kukuku~ For the entire month of December, all V-gifts will be upgraded for no cost. Yes, they're quite state-of-the-art. For example, the fluffy, adorable polar bear V-gift has been upgraded to Polar Bear 2.0: Fluffy, Adorable, And Maiming You. In a display of my boundless generosity and Christmas spirit, I have sent a few early examples to random users completely free of charge.
Just this morning I received a message from a valued customer who had purchased a V-gift for his internet girlfriend. Upon receiving the gift, it turned into a stack of digital pornographic magazines. People should have something to do around Christmas, snowed in, alone in their cabin, don't you think? Unfortunately, neither one of them can access her LiveJournal any longer, as it now has the adult filter on and they're only thirteen~. Tch... young love never lasts anyway. He should be thanking me for sparing him the slow death of his doomed relationship. However, as a complimentary prize for being so brave as to message me, I have bestowed upon the young man the V-gift that keeps on giving... a glass of eggnog filled with Christmas roofies.
Cheers~ <3
What Does This Mean?
Rejoice, for a glorious future awaits you all. You may have misgivings at first, but they will disappear as you inevitably submit to the will of your new lord and master Kururu. Do not doubt for a moment that I will turn every attention to making your lives as unrelentingly interesting as possible. After all, customer service is my highest priority. I'll be seated atop my Tech Support throne, where I've provided a stepladder upon which customers may kneel as they service me~.
Poll Vote!
Character: Corporal Giroro
Series: Keroro Gunsou/Sgt. Frog
Age: Unknown, presumed to be an adult frog.
Job: Self-Defense for Young Women
Canon: Keroro Gunso is the heartwarming and retarded story of how alien frogs attempt to invade Earth, but opt instead for lazing around cleaning houses, building Gundam models, and occasionally saving the world from self-made disasters. They would like everyone to believe that this is all part of their master plan to take over the planet, but it's obvious that said alien troop's biggest hobby is doing nothing.
Corporal Giroro is the backbone of his platoon, serious and blindly committed to his duty -- whatever that may be. The stereotypical hardworking army man, he believes in fundamental ideals that all good soldiers should support: intense training, meticulously cleaning your weapons, doing inventory of your supplies whenever a spare moment arises, and degrading troops to raise morale. Unfortunately for him, all of the other members of his team are, in his opinion, absolute idiots. He also quickly and easily falls prey to emotions such as anger and embarrassment, a fact which serves as constant amusement to his comrades. To combat the slow, painful death of his sanity, hardened veteran Giroro crushes innocently on headstrong teenage girls and rescues kittens from the rain.
Sample Post:
Good morning, troops. You've all been signed up for the opportunity of your lifetime. Welcome to Operation C.F.U.D., or "Cannon Fodder United in Despair" for those of you who were too busy sulking in your bunks to bother to decode the message I sent. Corporal Giroro present, and I'll be your superior, instructor and substitute parent until you've all refined the fine art of victory. It's a day full of promise, and I don't intend to let that go to waste. Today we'll be starting with the usual drills and elementary exercises -- but don't expect me to go so easy any other time. Tomorrow I expect your enthusiastic participation in a run to welcome the dawn, keeping in mind that tardiness will be punished relentlessly. Respect will be earned, and mercy shall be a prize for the worthy alone.
Take a deep breath, soldiers, and savour the smell of toucan-excrement-reminiscent-of-napalm in the morning. It's what will become the most pleasant part of your day, apart from fighting off the hungry natives. Although, none of you really have anything to worry about -- they're looking for signs of intelligence and I doubt any of you have a surplus. For the weak, the days ahead will seem to hold an overwhelming darkness... not unlike the vast, unexplored wilderness of your brains.
Fortunately for you lot, I've made sure you'll all have the proper ration of daily "SPAM" for your burnt toast. Comfort food at its best. I've been told that it's a staple of your planet and originates in tubes, ready to be harvested. Multiple reports also detail the absolute mess of a jungle these specific series of tubes can be found in. It seems even "the horror, the horror" isn't quite enough to describe the enormous amount of fright it induces.
Needless to say, you'll be retrieving your own breakfast.
... Heh. That was satisfying. A motivational speech fit for the finest battalion, not that you're anywhere close. Let's take a look at the roster, even if I'll be calling you by numbers one through nine-thousand until the day you die -- just for tradition's sake. First up, a strapping young lad by the name of "36DD". ... what the Hell kind of name is that? Didn't your parents have the sense to name you after a vehicle or at least your grandmother? Pathetic. Remember, I only yell because I care... about how much you're capable of exploding. Next up, "Ilikelongwalksonthebeach" and "Romanticcandlelitdinners". Twins, how fancy--
...
What? What do you mean I won't be training fresh, new, and easily intimidated cadets? It must be a mistake! The mission briefing explicitly stated that I would be in whipping into shape this encampment's most depressing, deprived young -- ... females. Hmm, that's alarming and inconvenient. But no matter. Women, with the proper training, are as capable as men on the battlefield. If not more terrifying. The first obstacle we'll be facing together... Self-defense is it? Ha! The best defense is a brutal offense! We'll begin the drills like I said, soldiers. Stretch and start on five laps around the lake, and -- ...and and your chest, miss i believe it's military protocol to support it and
......it's appreciated that every part of you is atsuchimmediateattention!!!
Poll Vote!
Character: Gutten Kisling
Series: Okage: Shadow King
Character Age: 45
Job: Professor of Paranormal Phenomena
Canon: Enter the world of Okage; a world that is much like that of our own…if you ignore the abundance of ghosts, somewhat oblivious denizens, and the fact that society is kept in hand solely through the Power of Classification. Said power is administered in the form of an annual list which fits the entire populous into neat little categories. These categories include such things as "Evil King", "Normal Boy", and "Crackpot Scientist".
As the self-proclaimed "world's most prolific ghost researcher", renowned in certain scientific circles for his Kisling Squid Ring Theory, Professor Gutten Kisling would fit very snugly into the last category of crackpot scientist. While he is very knowledgeable, as he constantly claims, he often demonstrates his intelligence by saying things in 30 words what can easily be said in 10. These somewhat special speaking skills are used in his attempts to act as the voice of reason for the rest of the game's party (which he was allowed to join only to annoy Stan, another party member). Any and all advice, however, is largely ignored by the rest of the group. While his heart is in the right place, he is still not the most useful member; his interpretation of "fighting" being "bashing things with ghost books". His hobbies include using field research as a cover for spying on young women, violently abusing his inner thesaurus, using (very) outdated slang, and clipping his toenails.
Sample Post:
Welcome, my young and eager students! My name is Professor Gutten Kisling, and I'm pleased to grace your presence with my most astonishing intellect! You see, my newly-acquainted class, due to my world-renowned research and aforementioned genius, I have been assigned as this establishment's most prodigious purveyor of knowledge regarding the nature of phantasmal occurrences on our present plane!
In layman's terms: Your totally tubular Professor of Paranormal Phenomena!
Now, for our first class, I'll be taking you on a chaperoned voyage to a location of potentially educational value! A field trip! Ah, yes. I see you're moaning with delight already! Earlier this week, through my powerful skills of deduction and a bit of dowsing, I have found the one spot in this camp with the highest level of ghost activity. We will be trekking to this spot, where I shall demonstrate the fine art of ghost research! Come with me, my plucky pack of pupils, to a riveting enterprise within the treacherous terrain of learning~!
Ah ha! Behold, the epitome of paranormal activity in all of its moist, tiled glory! The woman's bathroom! Ghosts are much like the fungus that one finds whilst clipping their toenails; they're attracted to warm, damp places. And the view is sure to attract a few ah...eheheh…ahem! You, ma'am! Yes, you, the one with the incredibly tiny towel! And the unsettling amount of back hair. What we have here, class, is an excellent example of a real live, or shall we say, dead, bona fide GHOST!
Watch as it exhibits the first sign of phantasmality: Denial, demonstrated by the enraged roaring and beating of the chest. If that's not enough, the clear ghostigma is made painfully obvious by this young...lady's blatant physical deformities! Notice the abnormally tantalizing curves; the immense inflammation of the chest area; the substantial amount of junk in that trunk; the odd purple tint of the aforementioned backhair; the sheer bootytastic form of that aAAUGH OH THAT STINGSSSS!!
...S-Sadly, my beloved class, we have run out of time for today. Your homework for tonight is to acquire a copious supply of eyewash, in case we encounter more pepper spray-based threats! Next class we will be learning about Tae Kwon Geist: the art of self-defense against those of the phantasmal persuasion! Ta-ta!
Poll Vote!
Character: Morrolan e'Drien
Series: The Vlad Taltos novels, by Stephen Brust
Character Age: 500+
Job: Camp Supervisor of War and Festivities
Canon: Imagine your typical fantasy world, populated with wizards, elves, gods and dragons.
Now make the elves ultracivilized, bloodthirsty shounen retards with a hundred-thousand-year-old empire that stretches across a world, with humans as a restless lower class subject to prejudice and discrimination. Add a dash of sarcastic humor and a double handful of Alexander Dumas-style cloak and dagger antics, and you have something pretty close to the world of the Vlad Taltos novels.
Lord Morrolan e'Drien is a noble of the House of the Dragon, one of the seventeen Houses of the Draegerean Empire. Like most of his House, he's intelligent, honorable, fearless and convinced that any problem can be solved at the point of a sword. He's also kind and generous to his friends, eternally curious and just a little bit naive -- the last of which generally manifests in a refusal to break his sworn word and an unshakeable belief in his own invincibility. A highly accomplished sorcerer and the wielder of the soul-eating sword Blackwand, he hasn't been proved wrong very often.
Morrolan is taken from the time of the Vlad Taltos novels, but some of his speech patterns are taken from the Khaavren Romances, which precede the former by several hundred years.
Sample Entry:
I am nearly beginning to think that I have been deceived.
For one thing, it is most unusual for an imperial command to arrive via messenger when the Empress could contact me herself, leaving no question of joking or falsehood. For another, I do not believe I am even in the Empire anymore, or even on the same world; the climate is quite unmistakably different, to say nothing of the stench. And for a third, well, let us observe that "Supervisor of War and Festivities" is a peculiarly named Imperial position, which I confess I accepted mostly for the sake of curiosity.
So, the question becomes, how shall I confirm my suspicion? The simplest solution would be to contact the Empress, were it not for the fact that sorcerous communication seems to be blocked. Moreover, it seems that the teleport block set up around this encampment leaves no question of putting the matter to her in person. How exceedingly vexing.
And yet, let us consider. Could not the existence of this block be evidence that I have, indeed, been deceived? To the left, I find it difficult to conceive that anyone capable of creating it would bother with deception. But to the right, there is no reason for such a potent spell unless I was brought here under false pretenses. I can see that there will be no resolving this matter until I discover this mysterious sorcerer and say two words to him on the matter.
...ah! It seems that I am not alone after all, or at least, there is someone here who wishes to make psychic contact. Perhaps he or she will do me the honor of explaining my situation further; it is undeniable, after all, that as a Supervisor of War there must be soldiers for me to command, and further that as Supervisor of Festivities there must be festivities to supervise. Thus far the beings I have encountered have shown little inclination to speak, which is only natural since they all without exception appear to be undead.
Well, if that is one of my officers, then I seem to have a great deal of work to do if I am to impose discipline. I am quite certain that such an act should not be suggested to one's commander; not to mention that it seems anatomically improbable and unpleasantly feathery. Indeed, I am most disconcerted by the very idea, and find it entirely offensive. The next man or woman to make such a suggestion will feel the bite of my black wand!
...I assure you, sir or madam, that was in no sense a euphemism, and your hopeful tone is quite out of order.
Poll Vote!
Character: Skulduggery Pleasant
Series: Skulduggery Pleasant by Derek Landy
Character Age: a few hundred years, give or take
Job: Representative of the Formerly Dead and Newly Reanimated
Canon: We've all heard the story before: There is a world that normal humans don't know about. With wizards, and vampires, and monsters. A world of a the supernatural that most people will never know about. Such is the case with twelve-year-old Stephanie. That is, until she is saved from an attack on her home by a walking, talking, fire-throwing skeleton in a suit. His name is Skulduggery Pleasant.
Back when he was of the more fleshy persuasion, Skul was a leader in the Big Big Magical War Between Good and Evil (for the good side, of course. The cover of the book makes VERY sure we know he's a good guy), but was, alas, captured and killed by the baddies. Well, he wasn't about to take that lying down and literally pulled himself together. Fast forward a couple hundred years to the present, and Skul's still going strong. Now though, he's retired from the life of a soldier and works as a detective. He's adjusted nicely to being-alive-but-not-really, and doesn't let being a skeleton get in his way.
Skulduggery is quick witted, smooth-talking, and generally has a good sense of humor. He's been around a long time, and while he's not overtly trusting of most things, he's fairly amiable. He does have a tendency to ramble, but this may come out of the fact that he just likes to hear his own voice. (Why yes, he is a little full of himself. Why do you ask?) Despite his being a detective, he has a general disregard for authority (this could also be because he's been around for a long time) and seems to like butting heads with those in charge of the magical community... and then there's the burglary, nevermind that it was for a good cause. What the big-wigs don't know won't hurt them, right?
Sample Post:
Really. If you're expecting me to fraternize with zombies - let alone represent them - I feel I should kindly inform you that I would not be caught dead in their company. Well, yes, I meant that in a purely metaphorical way, seeing as I'm not technically alive. You do get my point, don't you? Nasty things, zombies. Highly unsanitary, not to mention downright stupid. And don't get me started on their little... habit of misplacing their extremities. I lost my own head once. It was not an experience I would like to call "fun". Quite the opposite, actually.
---Ah, sir. Kindly don't touch my jacket. I paid good money for this, and I would rather not have to burn it. Rotting flesh is so hard to get out of this type of fabric, you see. And I can't very well bleach a black coat, now could I? I'd look awfully silly with white splotches going up my arm. I fear no one would be able to take me seriousl--- Oh, yes. "Braaaains." Classic zombie, aren't you? Right out of a B grade horror film. Let me tell you, from one undead fellow to another, you could really use some. I've had more intelligent conversations with pieces of carpet.
That's not to say I go about trying to strike up conversation with pieces of flooring, exactly. Well, there was that one incident in Waterford, but I would prefer not to talk about that.
Yes, yes. I understand already. I'm very aware - I might even go so far as to say painfully aware - of your need for brains. Shall I tend to the duties that have been foisted upon me and relay that to the lady in charge of this fine establishment? Perhaps she has some spares in jars in her cabinet. ...Granted, that wouldn't surprise me in the least. I once knew a fellow who kept brains in jars. It was a bit of a hobby, though I didn't dare ask him where he got them---
Sir, what did I tell you about touching my coat? I'll only ask you once more to please remove your hand.
---Ah. Um. Well.
You may wish to take all of your fingers with you.
Poll Vote!
Character: Raine Sage
Series: Tales of Symphonia
Age: 23
Job: Healing Arts Instructor
Canon: Tales of Symphonia is a game about a group of people from various walks of life trying to save two worlds. They face racism, oppression and hordes of beings that are far from holy. Oh and they suffer through some backstabbing too for good measure. All for the bargain price of one journey, folks!
Helping some of the younger party members keep their heads together is Raine. First introduced as a teacher from a small village, Raine is calm, intelligent, and easily one of the most mature and rational characters in the game. Due to unfortunate and spoilerific events in her past, she was forced to take care of her younger brother alone and has since then adopted a motherly/big sister attitude towards her students. This doesn't mean she'll sugarcoat things, though; she'd prefer to be realistic to the point of sounding cold when she bluntly states the truth to others.
But even a person like Raine has flaws. The strict but caring teacher persona goes right out the window whenever the party encounters something new and shiny. She will heartmark, laugh maniacally and demand that the party sticks around so she can research the subject further. In short, she’s a shameless fangirl for science and history. It's enough to make her brother be embarrassed of her. Furthermore, Raine’s awfully violent for someone who’s supposed to be the party’s main healer. Anyone who insults the value of academics, or just pisses her off gets smacked or kicked. That's also how she disciplines her students and her brother. It's tough love. Really.
Sample Post:
MARVELOUS~! Absolutely amazing! The bark is clearly oak and yet I've never seen an oak tree produce underwear before! What a fine example of plant crossbreeding! Perhaps it can grow other clothes? Since underwear is a fruit for this tree, maybe they double as food too. Oh, just imagine! Blueberry boxers, peach panties and apple briefs to keep you warm during the winter! There's so much potential! Is there something in water that causes this? Hahaha! This is so exciting! ♥ If I could get a sample and...
...Oh! Ah, ahem! Greetings, campers. I am Professor Sage and I have been invited by your director to teach a course on the healing arts. Judging by the unusual and fascinating wildlife here, it appears that even the most basic spells can be useful in case you're attacked. So let's get started.
First off, let me make it clear that the healing arts are a difficult set of skills to master. And although I doubt it'll happen very often here, it's important to remember you could be casting in the heat of battle. You may find yourself entangled by the vines of camp's more aggressive plants or by the lake monster's massive tentacles. It's not just a matter of making your stick heal people with its light. You need channel your mana and focus hard on your target-...Stop laughing. This is serious.
As I was saying, we'll cover the basics in greater detail later this week. Also on a related note, there is no such thing as a spell that starts off with 'healing light of'. Anyone I catch using crude language to finish that phrase will be disciplined.
Second of all, although I appreciate the effort the director put in setting up this course, it appears there's been a mix-up with the textbooks. Something has bitten off the pages and even some of the covers from these copies. Although from what I can read, perhaps these textbooks were better off as chew toys. I can only hope the author had a bad sense of humor when they wrote "when in doubt, clean the soul with fire" and "'tis just a flesh wound when you lose an arm". Luckily, I've already obtained some better books from the library so that we may have an organized class.
Now then, for your first assignment, please read the first five chapters and write a two-hundred word summary for each. You will also be tested.
...No, 'too long; didn't read' will not be an acceptable excuse.
Poll Vote!
Character: XANXUS
Series: Katekyo Hitman Reborn!
Character Age: 24
Job: Pet Sitter
Canon: There's a rule of thumb one should keep in mind when reading Katekyo Hitman Reborn!. Smile and nod. Just smile and nod. Reborn! is a series about the mafia, except on crack, where bazookas can shoot you into the future and babies are totally valid mafia members rly! The tale follows No Good Tsuna as he gets non-conned into becoming the Tenth Boss of the Vongola famiglia. But in the way, there are many obstacles he has to overcome, and one of them is the Varia.
The Varia is the special elite assassination squad of Vongola, and at its head is Xanxus, whose sole goal in life is to become the Tenth Boss instead of Tsuna. Xanxus is a cunning man, who when he doesn't get what he wants, he finds a way to take it. Who needs morality if it doesn't get you what you want? If Bel is a prince, then Xanxus is a king, and he thinks of all of you - yes, you too - as scum. Disdainful, angry at the world, he openly looks down on people. (He also still has a sixteen year old's immaturity, since he got turned into a popsicle by the Ninth Boss and remained in stasis for eight years.) And he is angry! Very angry! His wrath is so amazing people follow him for it. His name is ALL CAPS to signify his RAAAAAAAGE. It even made the council of higher-ups support him to be the next boss... well, until he tried to kill them all, anyway.
Sample Entry:
THEM! How dare they!? Those bastards think they can send me to such a filthy place? Me! Not even for a mission, but to be a pet sitter!! Who the hell do they think I am!? Ninth, that old fart! He dares to set me up again. He wants this place to teach me a lesson? Bah! Don't make me sick! What lesson? He's just trying to pull me down to the level of trash with that whimpering soft-heartedness of his. Even commanding me not to kick puppies! I'll kick all the puppies I want. Would any of you scum like to protest that? No? Hmph, all of you shambling things are literally falling apart. Placed lower than these creatures - you're fucking kidding me. I'll kill you all! Your little pets? I'll obliterate them. Shuffling around like that, what do you think you could do against me, XANXUS?
Che! Those old geezers on the council... underestimating me! Do they think can keep me here? Thinking they're doing me a favor, telling me I can be healed by the... shining light of Camp if I'd only let it. Phaaah, I don't have any wounds that won't heal. Looking down at me with those pitying eyes, those scumbags! Even letting these brats think they can shove their little mongrels at me! I don't fucking need their help, or any of that rubbish.
Hmph, let me guess, those gorillas were for me to watch too? Start off with something large... And now they're dead! Oh whoops, it seems my hand slipped. I was only moving them out of my way, but they grunted and came at me. Hah! They only get what they deserve for rising up against me. You're no match at all.
...What, you scums are still milling about? Brains, brains, just shut up! Fufufu... Bhahahaha! Yes, that's good! Lower your heads- how literal of them. Stupid things. Understand your place? Fine, I'll spare you for now. Well? One of you scumbags go get me a chair, and keep it clean. You there, bring me a drink. What are you moaning and shaking your head at me for? You... Are you seriously thinking of defying me? Bastard! Trash! Think on your position with your head smashed in. Bhaha! It's still twitching on the ground. Are they all like that? Undying, hm? You think that's enough to go against me? Go rest in pieces then, you little shits! Hmph, well? Where's my seat? Just because you have no arms doesn't mean you can't bring it to me. Useless scum. Never mind, just get out of my way. I'm leaving this place.
This light--! It's pushing me back!? Where the fuck is that choir coming from? This can't be... that shining light!? Scums! Bastards! You shitheads, I'll kill you for this!! Trying to bury me in cherry blossoms now? Sparkles!? I'LL DESTROY IT ALL. You think carrying me over a rainbow will prevent me from eliminating all that you care for? YOU TRAAAaaaaash!
Poll Vote!