(no subject)
DANANANANANA FIRST BAAAAATCH. I highly doubt this will be open for very long given everyone's track record with the first few rounds of counselor apps, so vote when you can! I'LL UTILIZE THE CLOSE POLL TOOL THIS TIME, GUYS. We've got a lot of apps, so let's get cracking!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. CLOSED ALREADY good lord.
Character name: Cross Marian
Series: D.Gray-man
Character Age: Unknown (appears to be in his mid-twenties)
Job: Camp Wine Taster
Canon: D.Gray-man is, simply put, a story about the epic battle between the Vatican's exorcists and the Earl of Millennium plus the Noah family. The Earl's real objectives are currently a mystery, but fighting him, the Noahs, and the Akumas (undead monsters) created by the Earl is the exorcists' duty. In any case, Allen Walker is the protagonist, our local Jesus and a certain character's personal slave. Who, you might ask? Well. Basically, most of Allen's traumas come from a very special man named Cross Marian: one of the exorcists' Generals, Allen's teacher, and one of the dirtiest bastards in the world.
Cross Marian is extremely powerful and was quite a mystery for a while. A womanizing, demanding, and hard to please man with an exquisite taste in wines, Cross was once a scientist before joining the Vatican. Most of his motives are unknown, but that is of no importance. What you should know and worry about is that if you're a pretty woman, this man is more than likely to hit on you and you will like it. Being popular with women, using brutal force and leaving his apprentice (and anyone who happen to be looking for him) to pay off his debts, he likes wandering around the world. While Cross is intelligent and composed, he is at the same time very rough, gruff and blunt at times. And if that wasn't enough, he only allows clean people to be near him . . . unless you're a dirty good-looking woman, that is. Oh yeah, he's the only one who knows about that little thing we would like to call the whole plot of the manga.
(Note: Name dropping was done with permission of the player.)
Sample Entry:
It looks like I'll be your Camp Wine Taster from now on, which means I'm staying here for an indefinite amount of time. According to your adorable miss Director, you all lack any kind of knowledge in this serious field, and she found it as pathetic as I did when I had . . . a meeting with her. For that matter and as an introduction to the art that is "tasting," I have gathered a stupid group of helpers. Here. But before I start, someone better take care of the pestilent zombies over there. I don't plan on letting them taste any part of me or the ladies here present; all the men will not be part of this demonstration and they should leave immediately. They can keep the zombies entertained for all I care. I, meanwhile, will be spending some quality time with these lovely creatures. After all, women are like a good wine.
Now that we're clear on that subject we can move on to our lesson. Oh, but first... Hey you, bring me some of the wines I asked for beforehand, and you better do it quickly. And stop scratching your back already and get some food for all of us on the way. While we wait, I must say this place is quite a disgrace. How do you all manage to survive in such a filthy place? I won't mind it so much as long as I can be around such charming company and good wine, myself. On that note, loves, please be sure to write down your names and cabin name or number on the paper the idiotic gorilla will pass around at the end. It will be kept in strict confidence, I assure you. I'll personally make sure no one tries to leak your personal information; I always need someone to practice target shooting on from time to time. Because, you see, my dears, I know more than a few things about guns. You wouldn't believe the incredible number of weird animals you are able to find when you are out there, getting to know the world. Or the dangers, as well.
It was about time you got back. I was starting to think it was a mistake to have entrusted him with this task. Now then. Would any of you, my dear sweeties, mind moving forward and sharing a glass with me? You, love? Be my guest. May I get your name? Ah. It's quite an exotic name, indeed. Fill up her glass, stupid gorilla; I'm sure they're dying to have something better to eat than that disgusting thing the cooks are preparing these days. That horrendous soup would fit better for the likes of the zombies, or anyone who is into cannibalism. And I'm sure none of you are, am I right? Biting is always good in my book, however, but we're diverting away too much from our topic at hand.
The basics in "tasting" consist in judging several factors: appearance, the fragrance in glass, the sensations you can feel in the mouth while you taste it, and finally, the aftertaste. If you ask me, I find it similar to another kind of intense sensation, don't you all agree? After you add them all up it's possible to determine the complexity and personality of the wine. I'd be more than honored to further explain it to anyone who is interested, but… right now we must go, it's getting late-
-And what's that, the bill? Give it to my stupid student, filthy excuse of a human being. I'll be too busy giving these ladies some intensive lessons.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Ladd Russo
Series: Baccano! [Wikipedia]
Age: ~25
Job: Assertiveness Training
Canon: Everyone knows the good die young, and who needs 'em when your cast is stocked with the best of what the seedy underbelly of a big city can offer? Set among the sidestreets and speakeasies of the American 1930s, Baccano! glorifies and gore-ifies the Life of Crime - and if you're looking for the best of this brutal business, then you're looking for Ladd Russo, at least as far as he's concerned.
Nephew to the Don of the Russo Mafia Family, Ladd's strength, speed, size and maniacal bloodlust make him an overly-enthusiastic loose cannon, only partially reined in by vague gratitude to his uncle. Upfront and very literally in your face, Ladd loves to hear himself talk, and relates to other people by his desire and ability to kill them -- his favorite sort of person to kill is someone who thinks they wont ever be killed, but he's not picky -- though he has no interest in those who want to die. Other people aside, Ladd's a headcase -- He skips, hums, rambles and repeats himself; he states the obvious or pulls something from left field. He's even capable of the occasional burst of rational clarity, but his mood -- and conversational volume -- shifts violently, with little impetus or warning. Ladd is the coolest person he's ever met, and hates it when this position is challenged; while some of his fights end in a cease-fire, he has only lost once -- which cost him the lower half of his left arm and the top of his right ear -- after which he was arrested and sent to Alcatraz. This has not significantly impacted his enthusiasm.
Sample post:
Okay, okay, okay -- "Fuck you camp, die"! Ha ha! I love it! But so peaceful, so quiet -- surely there must be many campers in their cabins or roasting marshmallows and thinking absolutely that they're safe and sound? Quietly, quietly enjoying their summer -- heh! -- not thinking at all that they could be killed. I'll have to thank her, this Director Lady, giving me a chance like this -- I'm moved, I'm really moved! But, then, do dangerous guys like me usually get community-service parole? Ah, well. "Be assertive at them", or something, she wanted, was it? Ah, hey, they'll for sure know assertive after I've--
Oho? Ah, you're a camper, right? Did you come all the way out here just to assertively greet your new counselor and assertively let him get a look at what sort of person would be at a place like this? Haa, what luck-- I'm lucky! You're lucky! We're all--
Hey, hey, hey, did your arm just fall off? ...You wouldn't be thinking that you could try and make fun of me, would you? You wouldn't be thinking 'That guy there, he's only got one arm. There's no way a guy with one arm could be dangerous! I guess I'll just drop one of my arms right here! I guess I won't be needing more than one arm to fight!' You wouldn't be thinking 'There's no way I could be killed by a guy with only one arm!' right?!
...hey, hey, you could at least answer. Ah, well, when Ladd Russo grabs you and starts yelling at you, if you're too scared to speak, that's understandable, I won't call you a coward. But go on, assert yourself properly! Are you too scared or are you going to answer? Just hanging here drooling with your eyes unfocused going "aaahhhnnn" and "uuuuhnnnn", that's not the sort of response a person wants when they're asking you a question, you know? You might make somebody angry with a weak response like that and they might want you to answer and they might start shaking you, wanting you to answer, and they might keep shaking you and shaking you and even when your eyes roll back keep shaking you and shaking you and even when your neck is snapping and you might bite off your tongue keep shaking you and shaking you and--
--Ah. Your head fell off.
...You know, usually, when somebody loses their head, there's a lot more spurting. I mean, you should be bleeding all over. I mean, a head just falling right off without a trace of blood, that's not normal. I mean, if you're going to die, you should do it properly. I mean, you could at least twitch interestingly or something, you know, hey?
You're never going to learn to be assertive if you just go to pieces like that.
Poll Vote!
Character: Jean Havoc
Series: Fullmetal Alchemist [Manga version]
Character Age: Early thirties
Job: Tolerance Counselor
Canon: FMA is the epic tale of two brothers who sinned against god trying to raise the dead, ruining their bodies in the process, and are now on a near impossible quest to restore themselves. In the course of their adventure they often find themselves working alongside military alchemists with varying levels of crazy and other terrible backgrounds of alchemy gone wrong at genocidal proportions — and, alongside them, their much more normal subordinates. Before his early retirement, Jean Havoc was one of these. A prime example of a good ol' boy with a well-known love for smoking, Havoc is a friendly, lazy-faced guy who's well-liked by former co-workers and subordinates alike. However, the guy he's loyal to is Roy Mustang, a man known for for piling work on him and transferring him away from girlfriends. Lucky Havoc. Even so, he does an excellent job of taking it all in stride, even if he is a bit long-suffering and smart-assed at times.
Of course, putting up with such a boss doesn't mean he's not a good soldier. Havoc's very capable on the fields and always maintains a level head, even in the most dire of situations. Discovering that the smokin' hot babe he'd been dating was an unholy abomination that they had to immediately engage in battle with wasn't enough to shake him; he followed all orders barked at him like a pro soldier. Not even losing the ability to walk could keep him down for long! After a good verbal beating, he found his metaphorical footing again and settled right back into his lazily cheerful old self. He's determined to continue supporting his superior to the very best of his abilities in spite of the retirement he was forced to take. And don't think he'll let up on those smart-assed remarks either. Such a troublesome colonel deserves it after all.
Sample Post:
Yo kids.
Got just one question for you kids before we get started here. Which one of you brats trained those damn birds out there? Real cute trick you got, havin' them squawk about my smokes being more toxic than the lake. Just how bad's the lake if it's more toxic than those anyway? But to go as far as taking them? That's just too much. What a guy does to relax is no one's business but his own. It's not right messing with that kinda thing, but I can ignore it this one time if one of you just replaces what those feather dusters took. Those things are damn expensive with my pension.
Now that we got that outta the way I can get on to introductions. The name's Jean Havoc, former second lieutenant of the Amestris military, and I've been hired on to be a tolerance counselor for you kids. —No, I don't mean teaching you how to make nice with those damn dirty ape things you guys got here. What the hell do you think they hand out shotguns for? Those things are nothing but a goddamn menace. Look, it says here my job's just to help you guys figure out how to "Put Up With Shit." Let's start with you kids telling me about the stuff you gotta deal with here. Let me know what kinda stuff I'm up against.
...No. No, I don't know anything about legs behind the toolshed. Did someone lose their automail? Real legs? Well where the hell are they now?! They got up and walked off? Look, kid. That's not the kinda thing you can make jokes about, understand? Anyone got a real question? Kids these days...
Let's see, you there, on the left. You say you got girl troubles? Well, I sure got plenty of experience there! So she won't leave you alone, is that right? She must be real mad at you if she's not letting up like that. The best thing you can do for that is agree with whatever she says, even if it don't make sense. And practice dodging. Don't think you wanna get hit by something that's been laying around this place. You might end up with extra bits instead of just a shiner.
Haah? You mean she's just not mad at you, just big on touching? Hell kid, that just makes you a lucky guy! You oughta take this chance while you can! —Hey now, even if she's not the prettiest it doesn't give you any right to go calling her a monster. When a lady takes a shine to you, you gotta be decent about it. There's nothing more shameful than making a girl cry. ...Then again, why don't you tell me her name? I'll see what I can do about it.
Marcy, huh? That's a real pretty name. ♥
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Colonel Roy Mustang
Series: Fullmetal Alchemist (manga)
Character Age: 30
Job: Advisor On Using Good Looks And Charm To Get What You Want In Life
Canon: Welcome to Amestris, a military country that enjoys a powerful army, brilliant scientists, and both at the same time if they ever need human nukes to annihilate The Puny Rebels. If you're not in the dark regarding the country's dirty laundry, you're either evil, dead, or probably working with Roy Mustang: Flame Alchemist, and professional bastard. Young, cunning, and resourceful, Mustang is gunning for the president's seat, and has earned his reputation as an upstart who's willing to do anything for a promotion. He's that son of a bitch that always looks better than you in front of your boss and your girlfriend, and when he's not climbing the military ladder or being watched by his babysitting lieutenant, he's using headquarters' phone lines to flirt with women instead of doing his damned paperwork. His peers wish he would at least PRETEND to be competent.
In truth, he's already pretending - changing a rotten country from the inside is a sensitive business when the brass is corrupt and has you by the balls, and you can only talk to your most trusted people in Dickery Code. A dedicated good guy beneath the ruthless soldier he's made himself into, Mustang is a bona fide idealist, and he earned his tolerant followers' loyalties by being an honest idiot with a good heart. When nobody is looking he's burying himself in research, and he cares deeply for his subordinates, often to the point where they have to yell at him for being too overprotective. But no matter how reliable he truly is, Mustang still gladly shows the side that visits a brothel full of women happy to see him in the middle of a plot crisis. Appearances are vital after all! And if he happens to have critical secret informants in that brothel that can turn a bad tide in his favor, well, that's just Roy Mustang for you: tough to outwit and twice as hard to keep down.
Sample Post:
It would appear the brass are trying their hand at a sense of humor. I'm more impressed than surprised; a sudden transfer from Central to a liaison position in such rural country is already quite a... strengthening of character, but the letter I received expanding on how my credentials earned myself this rather specific job was all too flattering. I suppose the General is still a bit tender regarding his sister. It's almost refreshing to receive a nearly straightforward reprimand, really! If they keep up this informal, personable attitude, they might even improve public relations.
It would be best if I can finish this quickly, as I have a date tonight, and Elizabeths are always strict with men who aren't punctual. But I suppose I'll play along in the spirit of things - any job worth saddling someone with with is worth doing well enough to attract a vengeful amount of notice, after all, and that can be your first lesson. My name is Roy Mustang, rank Colonel of the Amestrian military. Remember it, as I've been stationed here to instruct you on using your personal assets to your advantage. Put simply it's a skill forged from experience, and as I've been so explicitly recommended as your adviser, I'll be sharing some of that experience with you. I'm not interested in babysitting interns, but I will require assistants to help with the paperwork this job somehow entails. Really, it's as if I've done something to deserve this.
Moving on. This may seem obvious, but it's worth stating: know what you're after. I'll be teaching you to completely define your target, be it a person or position. Getting to know a local woman is an excellent step to getting a finger on the true pulse of a foreign area, and personally recommended. But as a cautionary measure, remember to ask yourself questions, such as: Is she too interested? This can be difficult to gauge if you have the prerequisite confidence, but it's worth asking. A woman covering herself with a shawl may be charming and intriguing, but she may also be covering the fact that she is not only undead, but undead and underage. Getting more than you bargained for is not always a benefit, be it stacks of papers to sign, or an impressively determined undead father tracking you with a shotgun. Remember, your opponents have their strengths as well, and you would do well not to underestimate them. Otherwise, you may find yourself dealing with a determined undead father who is also on fire.
While we're on the subject, I'll also be teaching you vital lesson of knowing how to get out of what you don't want. Rank and popularity come with an unfortunate side, and you could find yourself high on the ladder, but stuck behind a facelesss loudspeaker giving endless announcements with no time for personal enjoyment. That's why it's important to plan your exit strategies, either by making connections, using your wit, or planning flat-out retreats. I personally find that well-placed fire can be an excellent ally in this battle; not only are smoke alarms a valuable distracting ally should you need to dive out of a window to escape a nagging subordinate, but you can eliminate some work in the process.
Ah, as for concerns about interruptions from the local aggressors during lessons, rest assured that Amestris is not known for its lack of firepower, nor am I. No matter how charming you are, nothing can replace a well-timed, well-placed display of offense. Should any gorillas flee from the scene still burning, I apologize for the smell, but they're surprisingly difficult to immobilize.
Poll Vote!
Character: Gourry Gabriev
Series: Slayers
Age: 23
Job: Women's Studies Instructor
Canon: Explosions! Sword-fights! Binge eating! Slayers has all this and gay dragons! Essentially, Slayers is about the action-adventure antics of Lina Inverse, the teenaged sorceress whose magic is inversely proportional to the size of her chest. Lina's usually just looking for some treasure and a bite to eat, but she alwyas manages to get into trouble with angry villagers and Dark Lords and crazy evil guys with maniacal laughs. It's a good thing she's got a guy like Gourry around to take out her aggression on!
Gourry is Lina's sidekick, swordsman, and sorta-significant other... and exactly as blond as he looks. He's not stupid, exactly, but he is extremely forgetful, and if there's plot happening, you can bet Gourry isn't paying attention. He's also quite tactless, and has a bad habit of butchering names and words. For the record, he doesn't have even the faintest inkling of what a woman's "time of the month" entails, beyond the fact that Lina can't cast magic during hers.
Sample Post:
Hi there! I'm Gourry Gabriev, your new Women's Sturdy Obstructor. I'm here to teach you all about women! ...I think.
So let's see, uh... the first thing you should remember is that you should always be nice to women. After all, your mom was probably a woman! And some of them will hit you. Or kick you. Or set your face on fire. Those types of women are called... what was it? Florists? Yemenites? M&Ms? Oh, right! It was Lemonists! I think it has something to do with being so sour all the time. Anyway, take it from me, you should stay far, far away from Lemon Twists! Especially right before that time of the month!
Whoa, whoa, kids. Are you sure you're really ready to learn about that time of the month? That's some pretty advanced womany stuff right there! But let's see... women are a little like werewolves. Once a month, something happens to them that they really, really don't like to talk about. I'm not entirely sure on the specifics, but it's kind of like... have you ever been to the Caves of Despair? I think it's kind of like that. And if your woman is having "that time of the month," you have to be really careful. I mean, if you can stay protected, that's great, but you can't count on her to provide any of the magic. And you might think, "Hey, let's go out and have some fun anyway," but that's a terrible idea! You could get into a really messy situation that way, and I'm not gonna be the one who comes to clean up afterwards!
Wow, that all sounds pretty bleak, huh? Don't get me wrong, women are great! They're pretty and they smell nice and sometimes they'll even cook for you! Remember what I said earlier? I said... a bunch of stuff, it doesn't matter, but you should still be nice to women! Let's learn something good about women... something good... something good... oh! I've got just the thing!
Boobs. Women have them. Some do, anyway. I know it might be confusing at first, but you can usually tell somebody is a woman even if they're totally flat-chested. For example, take that cute young lady over there! Definitely a woman.
...what? That's not a trap. It's a woman! You might feel trapped, but you're not supposed to tell her that!
Look, I'm gonna be blunt. You guys need a lot more practice. How about for homework, you each pick out a zombie girl and just talk to them for awhile? Be nice to them and pretend to be interested in what they're saying, okay? Maybe ask about that Brian guy they're all talking about. And if you're having trouble or need to ask a question, feel free to come to me. I'm here to help! After all, that's what a Women's Studly Injector is for.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Yuri Hyuga
Series: Shadow Hearts
Age: 25 (As of Shadow Hearts: Covenant)
Job: Chapel gargoyle
Canon: Shadow Hearts: Covenant - a roleplaying game set in the early 1900s, full of anachronisms and breaking of the fourth wall. Anastasia Romanov as a playable character, fighting as a wolf, and equipping a giant frozen tuna? Check, check and check. It's World War I and our hero, Yuri, is being depressed in the French village of Domremy, after the death of his one true love. He spends his time taking care of the village and its church, as his special ability to fuse with demons and take on their appearance makes this easy. CUT TO: Germans attacking, the Vatican getting involved and Yuri being cursed by the Holy Mistletoe, which seals his power and prevents him from transforming into demons, and sucks away his memory. Yuri proceeds to travel all over hell and creation trying to get this sorted out.
Yuri is described as a Rude Hero, and that's the truth. He's an odd combination of street smart and utter moron, often preferring to skip the discussion and move right to the fight. Somewhere deep inside, he does care and can show it, if he's feeling so inclined. Generally though? Nah. Yuri does his thing and screw anyone who tells him differently - unless he likes you. He's brash and sarcastic, but he does care about his friends, and actually likes doing the right thing on occasion. His major focus right now is to overcome the Mistletoe curse, but he's also very devoted to the woman who saved his soul, Alice. But it's not as if that keeps him from looking at other girls...
Sample Post:
I just love the smell of burning zombies in the morning. Next batch should try not to take "Bite me" so damn literally! You wouldn't normally think they'd catch on fire so fast, seeing as this is a giant sinkhole. This place could come up with something more creative than these, with what I've heard. If you had a village full of cat demons trying to eat me, you know, 'cause I'm just that damn tasty, at least you'd match what I had to deal with before. Zombies are so tame in comparison. Though you do have those creepy white bear... things. What the hell? Anyway, I expected more doom and gloom, less glowing lake. Guess that's just the kind of place I hang out in.
This is the last time that I listen to that old man about some kind of damn clue about this curse. Riiiiight. Fine, desperate times, desperate measures. Like hell if I'm gonna waste what little time I have left in a hellhole like this. Every moment counts. Let's get this show on the road.
So, first! I got a job here. I don't expect you to remember it and I don't even expect me to remember it, much less do it. Yo. Yuri Hyuga. Guardian of all that's Holy and Pure. I'm your new resident gargoyle. I even have experience, if you wanted to know. Might sound weird to you, but that's none of your damn business. Don't expect anything out of me and I won't expect anything out of you. Seems like a perfect opportunity for a nap, if it wasn't so damn hot here - and it is the heat, not the humidity. If anyone thinks I should be sitting outside all the time and let the birds shit on me, you've got another thing coming. Besides, these damn toucans shit bricks and I don't think anyone wants me to have to handle that on Camp's behalf.
Second. My new employer and your director, is one Elizabeth Sayre. Now, I don't agree with dictators on general principle, but I have to ask. Is she hot? I mean, really hot. I haven't met her yet, but this is really damn important to me. It's a determining factor as to whether I get out of here as soon as possible or not. Why? Why the hell do you think? I know that you know that I don't have to draw you a diagram. Besides, I already know about that shitty rule - I'm "just looking." And hey, item of note. Yuri Hyuga only goes Slot A, Tab B, get it?
Third. In the end, job or not, I'm only here for one thing. As we covered in the second point, it isn't that. Supposedly, you guys and the Director know a shitload about it, and you could say that I'm interested. Mistletoe! So cough it up, I don't have all goddamn day. Don't give me any cute stories about kissing under the mistletoe. Hell, don't give me any un-cute stories about it either. I'm not interested in that kind of shit. The next thing you're gonna say is that Christmas in July is coming right up. This isn't the same thing, so don't even bother. Compulsion to kiss, my ass. Kiss my ass!
Fourth -- shit, stop taking stuff so literally! What the hell did I say at the beginning?!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Genjo Sanzo
Series: Gensomaden Saiyuki
Age: 23
Job: Idiocy Control
Canon: Shangri-La: a beautiful and peaceful country, full of humans, youkai and the occasional none-of-the-above ... until the Minus Wave came to town and changed all that. Created by a forbidden mix of science and youkai magic, the Minus Wave triggers some wires to cross in the minds of youkai, making them go berserk and eat humans. Now that this peaceful country is full of raging youkai and tension all around, it's up to a group of three youkai (not affected by the Wave due to Special Reasons) and one priest, the Sanzo-ikkou, to save the day! ... Unless they kill each other in the process. Teamwork is so overrated.
The ragtag team's leader and namesake is Genjo Sanzo, one of the highest-ranking and most powerful of holy men, made recognizable by his white robes and the red mark on his forehead denoting his closeness to the gods. However, Sanzo is not your Average Buddhist Monk. While other monks are forbidden to have earthly vices, Sanzo smokes like a chimney, swears like a sailor, drinks like a fish, gambles, and packs a gun with deadly aim. His arrogant attitude is coupled with a wicked temper and cynical sarcasm, using phrases like "die" and "I'll kill you" often. Making his three companions do his dirty work, he prefers to remain above the melee unless the situation is desperate, wherein he will sweep in and finish it using his holy powers and his Smith & Wesson .38 Special.
Yet underneath his hard exterior, Sanzo is highly moralistic, quick to defend the weak, and he deeply cares about his traveling companions (though he will never admit as much). Following his interpretation of his late master's teaching of "hold nothing," he isn't ruled by social standards and disregards what most people would consider "the common good." Instead, he chooses to live for himself and die for himself, following his own path without regrets. As the group travels westward, Sanzo slowly comes to realize that it isn't the destination that's important, but the journey. ... Though that doesn't stop him from hating every minute of it, the hypocrite.
Sample Entry:
Listen up because I'm only going to say this once. Anyone who asks a question before I'm done gets shot.
I'm the 31st of China, Genjo Sanzo, sent to "provide instruction to the lowly denizens in the swamp on what is pleasing in the eyes of the gods, and what standards to aspire to." I'm pretty sure that's bullshit. If the gods wanted a babysitter for you brats, they would've sent someone with the time to screw around here and the patience to deal with idiots. All you need to know is: don't do stupid shit. For those of you who can't understand spoken language, see my gun I'm holding? Bad. Don't make me use it on you. If the rest of you morons still want your asses wiped for you, I've got some written instructions I'm supposed to read out loud. One word about my reading glasses and your ass will have another hole in it.
First on the list is don't use the shotguns they give you here. What kind of place gives out knockoff, piece-of-crap rifles that can barely fire straight or fire at all? Anyone who uses them deserves to get what's coming to them from the other side of the barrel. And if the jackass with the water pistol tries to demonstrate how to use them one more time, we're going to have a hands-on lesson on the difference that REAL bullets make.
Second, talk to the moogles every once in a while. They're the fluffy animals in all white with the red things on their heads. If you're the kind of dimwit who gets killed because you were taunting a psychopath or playing fetch with the lake monster over there, you'd better follow this one. Use them more than once and you might as well stay dead. It'll save all of us the trouble of dealing with your future idiocy. ... As an addendum onto that, touch me and die. Just because I have a red mark on my forehead does NOT mean I'm here to save anyone. Do I look fluffy to you?!
The third point's too fucked up to read -- hell, I don't even know if there was a third point in the first place since there's only question marks. Next.
Pr-- Who the hell wrote "profit" on my paper?
That's it, these half-assed instructions are pissing me off. I'm done with this, so get someone else to hold your hand. Or if you're feeling especially masochistic, figure out the rest of it yourself. If you don't annoy me anymore, you might just make it out of here alive. Don't expect any congratulations for it, either. Only the ones with the strongest will to live are the ones who survive. The gods don't save anyone: you have to save yourself.
... If you sing "somebody saaaaaaave me" one more time, I will kill you.
Poll Vote!
Character: Cid Highwind
Series: Final Fantasy VII / Advent Children / Dirge of Cerberus
Character Age: 35
Job: Counselor of Transportation
Canon: Once upon a time, there was a very pretty boy and his emo. Said pretty boy (AKA Cloud) wasn't very good at sanity, but he did have an extremely sharp and pointy sword. And this is Final Fantasy, so being a pretty boy with a sword gets you a lot farther than therapy ever would. With a little help from his friends, Cloud goes on to kill lots of enemies, inbreed lots of chocobos, play lots of mini-games - and, oh yeah, save the world from an impending asteroid collision. Fun stuff!
Cid Highwind is one of several people who accompany Cloud on his journey. He's the only member of the group who's in his thirties-a fact that automatically makes him a cantankerous old man. Of course, this is Cid $%&*ing Highwind we're talking about, so old and cantankerous suits him just fine. He's quite loud and stubborn, prone to cursing up a blue (and mildly $%&*ing censored) streak the moment something doesn't go his way. Whether that's bitching out an engine for refusing to work or getting that goddamn no-good assistant of his to shut up and serve his guests some goddamn tea. Despite all of those old man shenanigans, however, Cid is still a decently good person. He secures the party's obligatory airship upgrade by impressing the former crew so much that they spontaneously mutiny - just so he can be their captain. The sequels have mellowed him out somewhat as well, setting him up with a wife and a steady job as the head commander of an airship fleet. But he's still good ol' trash-talkin', chain-smokin', ass-kickin' Cid. And there ain't nothin' in the world that's gonna change that.
(Cid is being taken from shortly after his marriage to Shera and before the start of Dirge of Cerberus.)
Sample Post:
All right, you brain-munchin' bastards. You got exactly five seconds to get those $%&*in' snakes off my $%&*in' airship.
I mean shit! What the hell were you thinkin' to begin with, huh? Just 'cause that director lady's got you assigned to my transportation project don't mean you bastards are allowed t'get uppity. I'm lookin' for stakes here. Nice long pole-type stakes, the kind we can prop shit up with 'til we get somethin' stronger than swamp mud. And once you get rid've those snakes, I want some nice clear spots so I can start layin' out engine bits. If we're gonna get this new airship built, then we're gonna hafta do the best we can with the best we got. And somethin' tells me this place ain't got a surplus of rocket fuel.
Hell, this whole project's just been one giant pain in my ass after another. And it didn't even have the decency to start off good, either. This director lady calls me up outta the blue one day, sayin' she's had kids runnin' around her swamp for nigh on three years now, an' that she wants her goddamn airship upgrade. Now, hell. I can't hardly argue with her taste. The airship's one've mankind's finest inventions, and the Highwind woulda been the best outta the best, if she was still up and runnin'. The Shera's even better'n that. S'why I even agreed t'fly in here. But - hell, once I got here? It got damn obvious that this place don't need nothin' like that. I flew five minutes and already got myself to the other side of that barrier thing. And there ain't no oceans or nothin' dangerous, unless you count the lake. I sure don't. This's some kinda summer camp deal, right? Means there's a helluva lot of young folks with nice young legs walkin' around. They could use the exercise. Hell, when I was your age, summer camp meant walkin' everywhere. Uphill the whole way. An' it snowed 'til the middle of July.
But damn, if that's what she really wants, then she sure picked the right guy for the job. Specially since I happen t'be the best goddamn pilot here or anywhere. So here I am. Tryin' to get a goddamn airship built outta mud and twigs. And that's even my best option. I'd try usin' somethin' else, but these damn zombies don't understand anythin' more complicated than a bop on the head. $%&*! If there was anythin' else hangin' around with some goddamn opposable thumbs, then I wouldn't even be tryin' to use zombie engineers in the first place! Where's the campers, huh? Must be some kinda law about them not showin' up til after all the hard work's done. Takes brains to get somethin' as great as an airship up in the skies, an' if there's anythin' I learned from listenin' to them talk, that's somethin' even they realize they don't got. Hell, even when they do look like they understand somethin', they're slower'n my wife on a cold day. Pick up your goddamn feet!
- no, dammit! You goddamn literal bastard! Put those feet right back, mister, or I'm comin' down there myself!
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. CLOSED ALREADY good lord.
Character name: Cross Marian
Series: D.Gray-man
Character Age: Unknown (appears to be in his mid-twenties)
Job: Camp Wine Taster
Canon: D.Gray-man is, simply put, a story about the epic battle between the Vatican's exorcists and the Earl of Millennium plus the Noah family. The Earl's real objectives are currently a mystery, but fighting him, the Noahs, and the Akumas (undead monsters) created by the Earl is the exorcists' duty. In any case, Allen Walker is the protagonist, our local Jesus and a certain character's personal slave. Who, you might ask? Well. Basically, most of Allen's traumas come from a very special man named Cross Marian: one of the exorcists' Generals, Allen's teacher, and one of the dirtiest bastards in the world.
Cross Marian is extremely powerful and was quite a mystery for a while. A womanizing, demanding, and hard to please man with an exquisite taste in wines, Cross was once a scientist before joining the Vatican. Most of his motives are unknown, but that is of no importance. What you should know and worry about is that if you're a pretty woman, this man is more than likely to hit on you and you will like it. Being popular with women, using brutal force and leaving his apprentice (and anyone who happen to be looking for him) to pay off his debts, he likes wandering around the world. While Cross is intelligent and composed, he is at the same time very rough, gruff and blunt at times. And if that wasn't enough, he only allows clean people to be near him . . . unless you're a dirty good-looking woman, that is. Oh yeah, he's the only one who knows about that little thing we would like to call the whole plot of the manga.
(Note: Name dropping was done with permission of the player.)
Sample Entry:
It looks like I'll be your Camp Wine Taster from now on, which means I'm staying here for an indefinite amount of time. According to your adorable miss Director, you all lack any kind of knowledge in this serious field, and she found it as pathetic as I did when I had . . . a meeting with her. For that matter and as an introduction to the art that is "tasting," I have gathered a stupid group of helpers. Here. But before I start, someone better take care of the pestilent zombies over there. I don't plan on letting them taste any part of me or the ladies here present; all the men will not be part of this demonstration and they should leave immediately. They can keep the zombies entertained for all I care. I, meanwhile, will be spending some quality time with these lovely creatures. After all, women are like a good wine.
Now that we're clear on that subject we can move on to our lesson. Oh, but first... Hey you, bring me some of the wines I asked for beforehand, and you better do it quickly. And stop scratching your back already and get some food for all of us on the way. While we wait, I must say this place is quite a disgrace. How do you all manage to survive in such a filthy place? I won't mind it so much as long as I can be around such charming company and good wine, myself. On that note, loves, please be sure to write down your names and cabin name or number on the paper the idiotic gorilla will pass around at the end. It will be kept in strict confidence, I assure you. I'll personally make sure no one tries to leak your personal information; I always need someone to practice target shooting on from time to time. Because, you see, my dears, I know more than a few things about guns. You wouldn't believe the incredible number of weird animals you are able to find when you are out there, getting to know the world. Or the dangers, as well.
It was about time you got back. I was starting to think it was a mistake to have entrusted him with this task. Now then. Would any of you, my dear sweeties, mind moving forward and sharing a glass with me? You, love? Be my guest. May I get your name? Ah. It's quite an exotic name, indeed. Fill up her glass, stupid gorilla; I'm sure they're dying to have something better to eat than that disgusting thing the cooks are preparing these days. That horrendous soup would fit better for the likes of the zombies, or anyone who is into cannibalism. And I'm sure none of you are, am I right? Biting is always good in my book, however, but we're diverting away too much from our topic at hand.
The basics in "tasting" consist in judging several factors: appearance, the fragrance in glass, the sensations you can feel in the mouth while you taste it, and finally, the aftertaste. If you ask me, I find it similar to another kind of intense sensation, don't you all agree? After you add them all up it's possible to determine the complexity and personality of the wine. I'd be more than honored to further explain it to anyone who is interested, but… right now we must go, it's getting late-
-And what's that, the bill? Give it to my stupid student, filthy excuse of a human being. I'll be too busy giving these ladies some intensive lessons.
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Ladd Russo
Series: Baccano! [Wikipedia]
Age: ~25
Job: Assertiveness Training
Canon: Everyone knows the good die young, and who needs 'em when your cast is stocked with the best of what the seedy underbelly of a big city can offer? Set among the sidestreets and speakeasies of the American 1930s, Baccano! glorifies and gore-ifies the Life of Crime - and if you're looking for the best of this brutal business, then you're looking for Ladd Russo, at least as far as he's concerned.
Nephew to the Don of the Russo Mafia Family, Ladd's strength, speed, size and maniacal bloodlust make him an overly-enthusiastic loose cannon, only partially reined in by vague gratitude to his uncle. Upfront and very literally in your face, Ladd loves to hear himself talk, and relates to other people by his desire and ability to kill them -- his favorite sort of person to kill is someone who thinks they wont ever be killed, but he's not picky -- though he has no interest in those who want to die. Other people aside, Ladd's a headcase -- He skips, hums, rambles and repeats himself; he states the obvious or pulls something from left field. He's even capable of the occasional burst of rational clarity, but his mood -- and conversational volume -- shifts violently, with little impetus or warning. Ladd is the coolest person he's ever met, and hates it when this position is challenged; while some of his fights end in a cease-fire, he has only lost once -- which cost him the lower half of his left arm and the top of his right ear -- after which he was arrested and sent to Alcatraz. This has not significantly impacted his enthusiasm.
Sample post:
Okay, okay, okay -- "Fuck you camp, die"! Ha ha! I love it! But so peaceful, so quiet -- surely there must be many campers in their cabins or roasting marshmallows and thinking absolutely that they're safe and sound? Quietly, quietly enjoying their summer -- heh! -- not thinking at all that they could be killed. I'll have to thank her, this Director Lady, giving me a chance like this -- I'm moved, I'm really moved! But, then, do dangerous guys like me usually get community-service parole? Ah, well. "Be assertive at them", or something, she wanted, was it? Ah, hey, they'll for sure know assertive after I've--
Oho? Ah, you're a camper, right? Did you come all the way out here just to assertively greet your new counselor and assertively let him get a look at what sort of person would be at a place like this? Haa, what luck-- I'm lucky! You're lucky! We're all--
Hey, hey, hey, did your arm just fall off? ...You wouldn't be thinking that you could try and make fun of me, would you? You wouldn't be thinking 'That guy there, he's only got one arm. There's no way a guy with one arm could be dangerous! I guess I'll just drop one of my arms right here! I guess I won't be needing more than one arm to fight!' You wouldn't be thinking 'There's no way I could be killed by a guy with only one arm!' right?!
...hey, hey, you could at least answer. Ah, well, when Ladd Russo grabs you and starts yelling at you, if you're too scared to speak, that's understandable, I won't call you a coward. But go on, assert yourself properly! Are you too scared or are you going to answer? Just hanging here drooling with your eyes unfocused going "aaahhhnnn" and "uuuuhnnnn", that's not the sort of response a person wants when they're asking you a question, you know? You might make somebody angry with a weak response like that and they might want you to answer and they might start shaking you, wanting you to answer, and they might keep shaking you and shaking you and even when your eyes roll back keep shaking you and shaking you and even when your neck is snapping and you might bite off your tongue keep shaking you and shaking you and--
--Ah. Your head fell off.
...You know, usually, when somebody loses their head, there's a lot more spurting. I mean, you should be bleeding all over. I mean, a head just falling right off without a trace of blood, that's not normal. I mean, if you're going to die, you should do it properly. I mean, you could at least twitch interestingly or something, you know, hey?
You're never going to learn to be assertive if you just go to pieces like that.
Poll Vote!
Character: Jean Havoc
Series: Fullmetal Alchemist [Manga version]
Character Age: Early thirties
Job: Tolerance Counselor
Canon: FMA is the epic tale of two brothers who sinned against god trying to raise the dead, ruining their bodies in the process, and are now on a near impossible quest to restore themselves. In the course of their adventure they often find themselves working alongside military alchemists with varying levels of crazy and other terrible backgrounds of alchemy gone wrong at genocidal proportions — and, alongside them, their much more normal subordinates. Before his early retirement, Jean Havoc was one of these. A prime example of a good ol' boy with a well-known love for smoking, Havoc is a friendly, lazy-faced guy who's well-liked by former co-workers and subordinates alike. However, the guy he's loyal to is Roy Mustang, a man known for for piling work on him and transferring him away from girlfriends. Lucky Havoc. Even so, he does an excellent job of taking it all in stride, even if he is a bit long-suffering and smart-assed at times.
Of course, putting up with such a boss doesn't mean he's not a good soldier. Havoc's very capable on the fields and always maintains a level head, even in the most dire of situations. Discovering that the smokin' hot babe he'd been dating was an unholy abomination that they had to immediately engage in battle with wasn't enough to shake him; he followed all orders barked at him like a pro soldier. Not even losing the ability to walk could keep him down for long! After a good verbal beating, he found his metaphorical footing again and settled right back into his lazily cheerful old self. He's determined to continue supporting his superior to the very best of his abilities in spite of the retirement he was forced to take. And don't think he'll let up on those smart-assed remarks either. Such a troublesome colonel deserves it after all.
Sample Post:
Yo kids.
Got just one question for you kids before we get started here. Which one of you brats trained those damn birds out there? Real cute trick you got, havin' them squawk about my smokes being more toxic than the lake. Just how bad's the lake if it's more toxic than those anyway? But to go as far as taking them? That's just too much. What a guy does to relax is no one's business but his own. It's not right messing with that kinda thing, but I can ignore it this one time if one of you just replaces what those feather dusters took. Those things are damn expensive with my pension.
Now that we got that outta the way I can get on to introductions. The name's Jean Havoc, former second lieutenant of the Amestris military, and I've been hired on to be a tolerance counselor for you kids. —No, I don't mean teaching you how to make nice with those damn dirty ape things you guys got here. What the hell do you think they hand out shotguns for? Those things are nothing but a goddamn menace. Look, it says here my job's just to help you guys figure out how to "Put Up With Shit." Let's start with you kids telling me about the stuff you gotta deal with here. Let me know what kinda stuff I'm up against.
...No. No, I don't know anything about legs behind the toolshed. Did someone lose their automail? Real legs? Well where the hell are they now?! They got up and walked off? Look, kid. That's not the kinda thing you can make jokes about, understand? Anyone got a real question? Kids these days...
Let's see, you there, on the left. You say you got girl troubles? Well, I sure got plenty of experience there! So she won't leave you alone, is that right? She must be real mad at you if she's not letting up like that. The best thing you can do for that is agree with whatever she says, even if it don't make sense. And practice dodging. Don't think you wanna get hit by something that's been laying around this place. You might end up with extra bits instead of just a shiner.
Haah? You mean she's just not mad at you, just big on touching? Hell kid, that just makes you a lucky guy! You oughta take this chance while you can! —Hey now, even if she's not the prettiest it doesn't give you any right to go calling her a monster. When a lady takes a shine to you, you gotta be decent about it. There's nothing more shameful than making a girl cry. ...Then again, why don't you tell me her name? I'll see what I can do about it.
Marcy, huh? That's a real pretty name. ♥
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Colonel Roy Mustang
Series: Fullmetal Alchemist (manga)
Character Age: 30
Job: Advisor On Using Good Looks And Charm To Get What You Want In Life
Canon: Welcome to Amestris, a military country that enjoys a powerful army, brilliant scientists, and both at the same time if they ever need human nukes to annihilate The Puny Rebels. If you're not in the dark regarding the country's dirty laundry, you're either evil, dead, or probably working with Roy Mustang: Flame Alchemist, and professional bastard. Young, cunning, and resourceful, Mustang is gunning for the president's seat, and has earned his reputation as an upstart who's willing to do anything for a promotion. He's that son of a bitch that always looks better than you in front of your boss and your girlfriend, and when he's not climbing the military ladder or being watched by his babysitting lieutenant, he's using headquarters' phone lines to flirt with women instead of doing his damned paperwork. His peers wish he would at least PRETEND to be competent.
In truth, he's already pretending - changing a rotten country from the inside is a sensitive business when the brass is corrupt and has you by the balls, and you can only talk to your most trusted people in Dickery Code. A dedicated good guy beneath the ruthless soldier he's made himself into, Mustang is a bona fide idealist, and he earned his tolerant followers' loyalties by being an honest idiot with a good heart. When nobody is looking he's burying himself in research, and he cares deeply for his subordinates, often to the point where they have to yell at him for being too overprotective. But no matter how reliable he truly is, Mustang still gladly shows the side that visits a brothel full of women happy to see him in the middle of a plot crisis. Appearances are vital after all! And if he happens to have critical secret informants in that brothel that can turn a bad tide in his favor, well, that's just Roy Mustang for you: tough to outwit and twice as hard to keep down.
Sample Post:
It would appear the brass are trying their hand at a sense of humor. I'm more impressed than surprised; a sudden transfer from Central to a liaison position in such rural country is already quite a... strengthening of character, but the letter I received expanding on how my credentials earned myself this rather specific job was all too flattering. I suppose the General is still a bit tender regarding his sister. It's almost refreshing to receive a nearly straightforward reprimand, really! If they keep up this informal, personable attitude, they might even improve public relations.
It would be best if I can finish this quickly, as I have a date tonight, and Elizabeths are always strict with men who aren't punctual. But I suppose I'll play along in the spirit of things - any job worth saddling someone with with is worth doing well enough to attract a vengeful amount of notice, after all, and that can be your first lesson. My name is Roy Mustang, rank Colonel of the Amestrian military. Remember it, as I've been stationed here to instruct you on using your personal assets to your advantage. Put simply it's a skill forged from experience, and as I've been so explicitly recommended as your adviser, I'll be sharing some of that experience with you. I'm not interested in babysitting interns, but I will require assistants to help with the paperwork this job somehow entails. Really, it's as if I've done something to deserve this.
Moving on. This may seem obvious, but it's worth stating: know what you're after. I'll be teaching you to completely define your target, be it a person or position. Getting to know a local woman is an excellent step to getting a finger on the true pulse of a foreign area, and personally recommended. But as a cautionary measure, remember to ask yourself questions, such as: Is she too interested? This can be difficult to gauge if you have the prerequisite confidence, but it's worth asking. A woman covering herself with a shawl may be charming and intriguing, but she may also be covering the fact that she is not only undead, but undead and underage. Getting more than you bargained for is not always a benefit, be it stacks of papers to sign, or an impressively determined undead father tracking you with a shotgun. Remember, your opponents have their strengths as well, and you would do well not to underestimate them. Otherwise, you may find yourself dealing with a determined undead father who is also on fire.
While we're on the subject, I'll also be teaching you vital lesson of knowing how to get out of what you don't want. Rank and popularity come with an unfortunate side, and you could find yourself high on the ladder, but stuck behind a facelesss loudspeaker giving endless announcements with no time for personal enjoyment. That's why it's important to plan your exit strategies, either by making connections, using your wit, or planning flat-out retreats. I personally find that well-placed fire can be an excellent ally in this battle; not only are smoke alarms a valuable distracting ally should you need to dive out of a window to escape a nagging subordinate, but you can eliminate some work in the process.
Ah, as for concerns about interruptions from the local aggressors during lessons, rest assured that Amestris is not known for its lack of firepower, nor am I. No matter how charming you are, nothing can replace a well-timed, well-placed display of offense. Should any gorillas flee from the scene still burning, I apologize for the smell, but they're surprisingly difficult to immobilize.
Poll Vote!
Character: Gourry Gabriev
Series: Slayers
Age: 23
Job: Women's Studies Instructor
Canon: Explosions! Sword-fights! Binge eating! Slayers has all this and gay dragons! Essentially, Slayers is about the action-adventure antics of Lina Inverse, the teenaged sorceress whose magic is inversely proportional to the size of her chest. Lina's usually just looking for some treasure and a bite to eat, but she alwyas manages to get into trouble with angry villagers and Dark Lords and crazy evil guys with maniacal laughs. It's a good thing she's got a guy like Gourry around to take out her aggression on!
Gourry is Lina's sidekick, swordsman, and sorta-significant other... and exactly as blond as he looks. He's not stupid, exactly, but he is extremely forgetful, and if there's plot happening, you can bet Gourry isn't paying attention. He's also quite tactless, and has a bad habit of butchering names and words. For the record, he doesn't have even the faintest inkling of what a woman's "time of the month" entails, beyond the fact that Lina can't cast magic during hers.
Sample Post:
Hi there! I'm Gourry Gabriev, your new Women's Sturdy Obstructor. I'm here to teach you all about women! ...I think.
So let's see, uh... the first thing you should remember is that you should always be nice to women. After all, your mom was probably a woman! And some of them will hit you. Or kick you. Or set your face on fire. Those types of women are called... what was it? Florists? Yemenites? M&Ms? Oh, right! It was Lemonists! I think it has something to do with being so sour all the time. Anyway, take it from me, you should stay far, far away from Lemon Twists! Especially right before that time of the month!
Whoa, whoa, kids. Are you sure you're really ready to learn about that time of the month? That's some pretty advanced womany stuff right there! But let's see... women are a little like werewolves. Once a month, something happens to them that they really, really don't like to talk about. I'm not entirely sure on the specifics, but it's kind of like... have you ever been to the Caves of Despair? I think it's kind of like that. And if your woman is having "that time of the month," you have to be really careful. I mean, if you can stay protected, that's great, but you can't count on her to provide any of the magic. And you might think, "Hey, let's go out and have some fun anyway," but that's a terrible idea! You could get into a really messy situation that way, and I'm not gonna be the one who comes to clean up afterwards!
Wow, that all sounds pretty bleak, huh? Don't get me wrong, women are great! They're pretty and they smell nice and sometimes they'll even cook for you! Remember what I said earlier? I said... a bunch of stuff, it doesn't matter, but you should still be nice to women! Let's learn something good about women... something good... something good... oh! I've got just the thing!
Boobs. Women have them. Some do, anyway. I know it might be confusing at first, but you can usually tell somebody is a woman even if they're totally flat-chested. For example, take that cute young lady over there! Definitely a woman.
...what? That's not a trap. It's a woman! You might feel trapped, but you're not supposed to tell her that!
Look, I'm gonna be blunt. You guys need a lot more practice. How about for homework, you each pick out a zombie girl and just talk to them for awhile? Be nice to them and pretend to be interested in what they're saying, okay? Maybe ask about that Brian guy they're all talking about. And if you're having trouble or need to ask a question, feel free to come to me. I'm here to help! After all, that's what a Women's Studly Injector is for.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Yuri Hyuga
Series: Shadow Hearts
Age: 25 (As of Shadow Hearts: Covenant)
Job: Chapel gargoyle
Canon: Shadow Hearts: Covenant - a roleplaying game set in the early 1900s, full of anachronisms and breaking of the fourth wall. Anastasia Romanov as a playable character, fighting as a wolf, and equipping a giant frozen tuna? Check, check and check. It's World War I and our hero, Yuri, is being depressed in the French village of Domremy, after the death of his one true love. He spends his time taking care of the village and its church, as his special ability to fuse with demons and take on their appearance makes this easy. CUT TO: Germans attacking, the Vatican getting involved and Yuri being cursed by the Holy Mistletoe, which seals his power and prevents him from transforming into demons, and sucks away his memory. Yuri proceeds to travel all over hell and creation trying to get this sorted out.
Yuri is described as a Rude Hero, and that's the truth. He's an odd combination of street smart and utter moron, often preferring to skip the discussion and move right to the fight. Somewhere deep inside, he does care and can show it, if he's feeling so inclined. Generally though? Nah. Yuri does his thing and screw anyone who tells him differently - unless he likes you. He's brash and sarcastic, but he does care about his friends, and actually likes doing the right thing on occasion. His major focus right now is to overcome the Mistletoe curse, but he's also very devoted to the woman who saved his soul, Alice. But it's not as if that keeps him from looking at other girls...
Sample Post:
I just love the smell of burning zombies in the morning. Next batch should try not to take "Bite me" so damn literally! You wouldn't normally think they'd catch on fire so fast, seeing as this is a giant sinkhole. This place could come up with something more creative than these, with what I've heard. If you had a village full of cat demons trying to eat me, you know, 'cause I'm just that damn tasty, at least you'd match what I had to deal with before. Zombies are so tame in comparison. Though you do have those creepy white bear... things. What the hell? Anyway, I expected more doom and gloom, less glowing lake. Guess that's just the kind of place I hang out in.
This is the last time that I listen to that old man about some kind of damn clue about this curse. Riiiiight. Fine, desperate times, desperate measures. Like hell if I'm gonna waste what little time I have left in a hellhole like this. Every moment counts. Let's get this show on the road.
So, first! I got a job here. I don't expect you to remember it and I don't even expect me to remember it, much less do it. Yo. Yuri Hyuga. Guardian of all that's Holy and Pure. I'm your new resident gargoyle. I even have experience, if you wanted to know. Might sound weird to you, but that's none of your damn business. Don't expect anything out of me and I won't expect anything out of you. Seems like a perfect opportunity for a nap, if it wasn't so damn hot here - and it is the heat, not the humidity. If anyone thinks I should be sitting outside all the time and let the birds shit on me, you've got another thing coming. Besides, these damn toucans shit bricks and I don't think anyone wants me to have to handle that on Camp's behalf.
Second. My new employer and your director, is one Elizabeth Sayre. Now, I don't agree with dictators on general principle, but I have to ask. Is she hot? I mean, really hot. I haven't met her yet, but this is really damn important to me. It's a determining factor as to whether I get out of here as soon as possible or not. Why? Why the hell do you think? I know that you know that I don't have to draw you a diagram. Besides, I already know about that shitty rule - I'm "just looking." And hey, item of note. Yuri Hyuga only goes Slot A, Tab B, get it?
Third. In the end, job or not, I'm only here for one thing. As we covered in the second point, it isn't that. Supposedly, you guys and the Director know a shitload about it, and you could say that I'm interested. Mistletoe! So cough it up, I don't have all goddamn day. Don't give me any cute stories about kissing under the mistletoe. Hell, don't give me any un-cute stories about it either. I'm not interested in that kind of shit. The next thing you're gonna say is that Christmas in July is coming right up. This isn't the same thing, so don't even bother. Compulsion to kiss, my ass. Kiss my ass!
Fourth -- shit, stop taking stuff so literally! What the hell did I say at the beginning?!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Genjo Sanzo
Series: Gensomaden Saiyuki
Age: 23
Job: Idiocy Control
Canon: Shangri-La: a beautiful and peaceful country, full of humans, youkai and the occasional none-of-the-above ... until the Minus Wave came to town and changed all that. Created by a forbidden mix of science and youkai magic, the Minus Wave triggers some wires to cross in the minds of youkai, making them go berserk and eat humans. Now that this peaceful country is full of raging youkai and tension all around, it's up to a group of three youkai (not affected by the Wave due to Special Reasons) and one priest, the Sanzo-ikkou, to save the day! ... Unless they kill each other in the process. Teamwork is so overrated.
The ragtag team's leader and namesake is Genjo Sanzo, one of the highest-ranking and most powerful of holy men, made recognizable by his white robes and the red mark on his forehead denoting his closeness to the gods. However, Sanzo is not your Average Buddhist Monk. While other monks are forbidden to have earthly vices, Sanzo smokes like a chimney, swears like a sailor, drinks like a fish, gambles, and packs a gun with deadly aim. His arrogant attitude is coupled with a wicked temper and cynical sarcasm, using phrases like "die" and "I'll kill you" often. Making his three companions do his dirty work, he prefers to remain above the melee unless the situation is desperate, wherein he will sweep in and finish it using his holy powers and his Smith & Wesson .38 Special.
Yet underneath his hard exterior, Sanzo is highly moralistic, quick to defend the weak, and he deeply cares about his traveling companions (though he will never admit as much). Following his interpretation of his late master's teaching of "hold nothing," he isn't ruled by social standards and disregards what most people would consider "the common good." Instead, he chooses to live for himself and die for himself, following his own path without regrets. As the group travels westward, Sanzo slowly comes to realize that it isn't the destination that's important, but the journey. ... Though that doesn't stop him from hating every minute of it, the hypocrite.
Sample Entry:
Listen up because I'm only going to say this once. Anyone who asks a question before I'm done gets shot.
I'm the 31st of China, Genjo Sanzo, sent to "provide instruction to the lowly denizens in the swamp on what is pleasing in the eyes of the gods, and what standards to aspire to." I'm pretty sure that's bullshit. If the gods wanted a babysitter for you brats, they would've sent someone with the time to screw around here and the patience to deal with idiots. All you need to know is: don't do stupid shit. For those of you who can't understand spoken language, see my gun I'm holding? Bad. Don't make me use it on you. If the rest of you morons still want your asses wiped for you, I've got some written instructions I'm supposed to read out loud. One word about my reading glasses and your ass will have another hole in it.
First on the list is don't use the shotguns they give you here. What kind of place gives out knockoff, piece-of-crap rifles that can barely fire straight or fire at all? Anyone who uses them deserves to get what's coming to them from the other side of the barrel. And if the jackass with the water pistol tries to demonstrate how to use them one more time, we're going to have a hands-on lesson on the difference that REAL bullets make.
Second, talk to the moogles every once in a while. They're the fluffy animals in all white with the red things on their heads. If you're the kind of dimwit who gets killed because you were taunting a psychopath or playing fetch with the lake monster over there, you'd better follow this one. Use them more than once and you might as well stay dead. It'll save all of us the trouble of dealing with your future idiocy. ... As an addendum onto that, touch me and die. Just because I have a red mark on my forehead does NOT mean I'm here to save anyone. Do I look fluffy to you?!
The third point's too fucked up to read -- hell, I don't even know if there was a third point in the first place since there's only question marks. Next.
Pr-- Who the hell wrote "profit" on my paper?
That's it, these half-assed instructions are pissing me off. I'm done with this, so get someone else to hold your hand. Or if you're feeling especially masochistic, figure out the rest of it yourself. If you don't annoy me anymore, you might just make it out of here alive. Don't expect any congratulations for it, either. Only the ones with the strongest will to live are the ones who survive. The gods don't save anyone: you have to save yourself.
... If you sing "somebody saaaaaaave me" one more time, I will kill you.
Poll Vote!
Character: Cid Highwind
Series: Final Fantasy VII / Advent Children / Dirge of Cerberus
Character Age: 35
Job: Counselor of Transportation
Canon: Once upon a time, there was a very pretty boy and his emo. Said pretty boy (AKA Cloud) wasn't very good at sanity, but he did have an extremely sharp and pointy sword. And this is Final Fantasy, so being a pretty boy with a sword gets you a lot farther than therapy ever would. With a little help from his friends, Cloud goes on to kill lots of enemies, inbreed lots of chocobos, play lots of mini-games - and, oh yeah, save the world from an impending asteroid collision. Fun stuff!
Cid Highwind is one of several people who accompany Cloud on his journey. He's the only member of the group who's in his thirties-a fact that automatically makes him a cantankerous old man. Of course, this is Cid $%&*ing Highwind we're talking about, so old and cantankerous suits him just fine. He's quite loud and stubborn, prone to cursing up a blue (and mildly $%&*ing censored) streak the moment something doesn't go his way. Whether that's bitching out an engine for refusing to work or getting that goddamn no-good assistant of his to shut up and serve his guests some goddamn tea. Despite all of those old man shenanigans, however, Cid is still a decently good person. He secures the party's obligatory airship upgrade by impressing the former crew so much that they spontaneously mutiny - just so he can be their captain. The sequels have mellowed him out somewhat as well, setting him up with a wife and a steady job as the head commander of an airship fleet. But he's still good ol' trash-talkin', chain-smokin', ass-kickin' Cid. And there ain't nothin' in the world that's gonna change that.
(Cid is being taken from shortly after his marriage to Shera and before the start of Dirge of Cerberus.)
Sample Post:
All right, you brain-munchin' bastards. You got exactly five seconds to get those $%&*in' snakes off my $%&*in' airship.
I mean shit! What the hell were you thinkin' to begin with, huh? Just 'cause that director lady's got you assigned to my transportation project don't mean you bastards are allowed t'get uppity. I'm lookin' for stakes here. Nice long pole-type stakes, the kind we can prop shit up with 'til we get somethin' stronger than swamp mud. And once you get rid've those snakes, I want some nice clear spots so I can start layin' out engine bits. If we're gonna get this new airship built, then we're gonna hafta do the best we can with the best we got. And somethin' tells me this place ain't got a surplus of rocket fuel.
Hell, this whole project's just been one giant pain in my ass after another. And it didn't even have the decency to start off good, either. This director lady calls me up outta the blue one day, sayin' she's had kids runnin' around her swamp for nigh on three years now, an' that she wants her goddamn airship upgrade. Now, hell. I can't hardly argue with her taste. The airship's one've mankind's finest inventions, and the Highwind woulda been the best outta the best, if she was still up and runnin'. The Shera's even better'n that. S'why I even agreed t'fly in here. But - hell, once I got here? It got damn obvious that this place don't need nothin' like that. I flew five minutes and already got myself to the other side of that barrier thing. And there ain't no oceans or nothin' dangerous, unless you count the lake. I sure don't. This's some kinda summer camp deal, right? Means there's a helluva lot of young folks with nice young legs walkin' around. They could use the exercise. Hell, when I was your age, summer camp meant walkin' everywhere. Uphill the whole way. An' it snowed 'til the middle of July.
But damn, if that's what she really wants, then she sure picked the right guy for the job. Specially since I happen t'be the best goddamn pilot here or anywhere. So here I am. Tryin' to get a goddamn airship built outta mud and twigs. And that's even my best option. I'd try usin' somethin' else, but these damn zombies don't understand anythin' more complicated than a bop on the head. $%&*! If there was anythin' else hangin' around with some goddamn opposable thumbs, then I wouldn't even be tryin' to use zombie engineers in the first place! Where's the campers, huh? Must be some kinda law about them not showin' up til after all the hard work's done. Takes brains to get somethin' as great as an airship up in the skies, an' if there's anythin' I learned from listenin' to them talk, that's somethin' even they realize they don't got. Hell, even when they do look like they understand somethin', they're slower'n my wife on a cold day. Pick up your goddamn feet!
- no, dammit! You goddamn literal bastard! Put those feet right back, mister, or I'm comin' down there myself!
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