(no subject)
SIXTH ROUND |Db and now I am sleepin'
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character Name: Toshiko Sato ("Tosh")
Series: Torchwood
Character Age: 34
Job: Fixer of Those Damned Laptops
Canon (some spoilers ahead): Torchwood - outside the government, beyond the police, yadda yadda yadda. A spinoff of Doctor Who, it chronicles the often-misguided adventures of Torchwood 3, a team that moderates a rift in time and space (as well as anything that may fall through it). Toshiko (called "Tosh" by friends) is the resident computer specialist. Sometime before the series, Tosh was blackmailed into stealing the plans for a device and then building it (the "sonic modulator"), and was then sentenced to life in prison by UNIT. It was the leader of Torchwood 3, Jack Harkness, who rescued her by offering her a job on his team, and as such she owes him her life.
Tosh, despite obviously being a technical genius, is very insecure and has a bit of an inferiority complex. She is a sweet person who treasures her friends at Torchwood, and would do anything for them. She's very skilled in programming and hacking, as well as the building and perfecting of devices, and is thus an invaluable member of the Torchwood 3 team.
Sample App:
Well, it all started when I received an invitation for the "Lemon Party."
I wasn't entirely sure what a Lemon Party was; the brochure didn't say very much about it. Only that it's very important because they only let "old people" in twice a year, and so apparently it is a pretty big deal. I was a little put off by being called 'old', I admit, but I assumed it was only a joke. Anyway, shortly after arriving at the Lemon Party I realized I'd left my phone in the car. But when I tried to go back and retrieve it, I was met with quite the opposition. "One does not simply walk out of CFUD," they said. "Go ahead and try-you'll only end up turning into a dude, or a cat, or some other crazy shit."
And that was that; I'm trapped, and for the moment all I can do is try to make the best of it. After all, I know very well that it could be much, much worse.
Today, I received a package and another brochure-this one is about becoming a camp counselor. It doesn't seem like such a bad idea, considering I am stuck here for the moment anyway. What could be bad about sharing knowledge with the kids here? The brochure lists the main responsibility as "touching children", but I'm sure what they meant was "touching the lives of children". And it seems I've already been assigned a position! It says that it involves "making those damn kids shut up about their stupid laptops." I'm not sure how they found out I was a computer person, but it seems like something I can do! I hope they like me!
Anyway, the package contained quite an odd assortment of things, including The Zombie Survival Guide, a six pack of Red Bull, and a shirt that says "No, I will not fix your computer." That seems a little counter-intuitive, but if they really want me to wear it... In any case, it didn't take long to figure out why they included the book about zombies. I suppose that sight would be a little more jarring if I didn't do what I do back home, but it was still a little unexpected. One of them even came up to me and asked if I would "power-level (their) paladin to 70." What does that even mean? I'll definitely be keeping tabs on them... you know, just in case.
All in all, of course I'd rather be at home, doing my real job, but this could be an interesting experience. I will continue to inquire about leaving, as I already miss everyone, but I have a feeling it could be awhile. I'm sure everyone will be all right without me for a little while.
I guess the moral of the story is that you should always think twice before going to a Lemon Party.
Poll Vote!
Character: Elle Bishop
Series: Heroes
Character Age: 24
Counselor Job: Electroshock Therapy
Canon: Heroes! Ordinary people get extraordinary powers. You know them all: super strength, time travel, flight, precognition, release of instantly deadly diseases under stress . . . wait. Several factions have emerged around these superpowered people, each with more unclear motives and agendas than the others. One of such factions is the blandly-named Company, now under the leadership of one Bob Bishop.
But this app isn't about him; rather, it's about his daughter, Elle. Elle's power is electric manipulation. After causing a multi-county blackout at age 8, she was locked in a facility for superpowered people and extensive testing of her ability began. Being exposed to high doses of electricity for a prolonged amount of time can leave one kinda crazy, and Elle is no different. She's officially diagnosed as a sociopath with paranoid delusions. But her personal records aren't all there is to her. Elle's fond of nicknames and sarcasm, while her cutesy delivery belies a smug sort of malice. Yet it's clear that Elle has spent 16 years of her life as the guinea pig in a lab. She's inexperienced and, in the end, she just wants to please Daddy.
Note: The Company really, really wants Claire for their nefarious goals. Miss Pom-pom is Elle's nickname for her. Permission has been given by Claire to mention the character in the app.
Sample Post:
A facility in the middle of nowhere for people with special powers. You can get in, but can't get out! I won't lie and say I've never heard of that before. Mmm, this one's roomier though. More on the side of Island of Doctor Moreau than on Dexter's Lab, without the . . . gloominess. I've already made friends with some of the purple gorillas; I like their fur! I bet they're what a bad acid trip looks like.
Somehow your Director got a hold of my résumé. I'm still kinda waiting on an explanation for that one, you know? Those files aren't exactly what you'd call public domain . . . All the same! As Michael Corleone said, she made me an offer I couldn't refuse. I can't help but want to make my Dad proud, so here I am. Your Director told me aaaall about you guys with your . . . attitude problems. I'm gonna help with that, I know just the way. From now on, I'll be in charge of the electroshock therapy. Yeah, yeah, I look so young, could I really do this? Have no worries, that's the one thing I've got lots of experience with.
Speaking of experience, I've never been in Louisiana before. Come on, you can't blame me for wanting to do the tourist thing a bit first. Check out the hot springs, buy postcards of the giant tentacles. Get Miss Pom-pom in a box for Daddy. But I'm a hard-working girl. If the first thing I've got to do here is to discourage the undead from, well, underestimating me! Then so be it. After a while though, playing Doctor Frankenstein gets revolting, and there's not a point to it if the monster already talks and walks.
So we can leave them to their wild-brain chase, because this is gonna be kinda like "Show and tell". First I show you on the zombie, and then I tell you what I've go for you to look forward to. Are you troubled? Sad? Commenting anonymously to so-called helpful campers not working out for you? Please stop talking, because I'm here for you now. Hold my hand and sit still. Electroshock therapy helps you focus on the here and now. It'll do great things for your head. Once I discharge you from the treatment, you won't get past an electrical socket without wanting to stick your fingers in.
Right! So I realize most people make you sign a consent to treatment. Those people are boring. It's my personal guarantee that you'll be all aglow after seeing me.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kratos Aurion
Series: Tales of Symphonia
Character Age: Not quite OVER NINE THOUSAND. But appears to be 28.
Job: Swordplay instructor
Canon: WARNING, Spoilers: Tales of Symphonia is the typical saving the world story, but with a new twist: Instead of one world to save, there are two halves of one world to save. The story begins with the hero's party going to save the world, with Kratos as a hired guide. But then it is revealed that Kratos is actually on the villain's, Mithos's, side. At the very end, however, Kratos reveals that he is not a bad guy and gives the party the item they need to save the worlds!
Kratos is the deadpan, straight man to all the crazy characters in Tales of Symphonia. He doesn't have a secret obsession with ruins, he doesn't have an obsession with math, he lacks ADD, is not self-absorbed, and he doesn't cook with his feet. Kratos tends to be matter-of-fact and to the point, and has a strange obsession with Lloyd getting stronger. But that's only because he cares. As the relatively saner party member, he tends to facepalm at everyone else's eccentricities in a long-suffering way. Kratos does not always understand the proper course of action in social situations, being aloof and stoic compared to the others. Nor does he understand that when one tosses their children up into the air, they don't use their full, enhanced strength.
Sample Post:
Good afternoon. My name is Kratos and I will be teaching swordplay. If you need my attention, raise your hand. Your own hand, if you would.
Before we begin, it is important that you understand the rules. You will be needing both hands, so it would be a good idea to stop eating those of your neighbor's. We will be using live targets in this class, and it is not recommended that you use unnecessary force on them until at least the third week. Blood will excite them, so I recommend being careful with your weapons as there will not be a healer standing by, and First Aid will not heal bite marks. No complaining about how it burns and do not poke your fellow campers with the swords. Those ligaments won't grow back, and then I'll have to find a new class. Also, don't run with the swords. You'll impale yourself if you trip and fall, and then how will you be able to find brains?
Now, let's work on a basic stance. First, pick up the swords that I handed out before the beginning of class. No, the sword tip does not need protection. That wasn't a joke, and I'd recommend not laughing as this is very important information. Hold the sword high and firmly with both hands, like so. If your hands are bleeding, you aren't holding the right end and need to speak up before the targets are brought out.
Moan twice if there are any questions. ... No, food will not be provided.
Any other questions? ... Hm? Zombies aren't alive? I'm afraid you're mistaken. If you can kill it, it's alive. Yes, even if killing it means stabbing until it can't move anymore. Please ignore the crawling hand. It doesn't count. Now, on my command, thrust with all your might. And stop laughing. You can't laugh in a real battle situation, no matter how funny it is, and no matter how long your enemy monologues. No, you can't think about that either, or you may find yourself decapitated. And always, always be aware of the situation around you. For instance, there are zombies with sharp teeth and large appetites. You should be prepared to fight back, such as right now, or else they will advance and-- You were supposed to retaliate!
... That was not as planned. No matter. It was only a flesh wound. Now pick up your arm and try again.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Senji Kiyomasa
Series: Deadman Wonderland
Age: 29
Job: Fight Club Organizer
Canon:
Deadman Wonderland is the story of Igarashi Ganta, a fourteen year old boy who was framed for the slaughter of him homeroom class and tossed into the world's only privately owned and operated maximum security penitentiary slash amusement park. In this cutthroat world, he must not only survive the death sentence he's been saddled with, but also the park's grisly entertainments put on by the park for the public's amusement and his fellow inmates themselves. However, buried deep beneath the "lighthearted" upper side of DW, the true Deadmen live and battle in the Cannibal Corpse (also translated "Carnival Corpse"). In this modern day Coliseum, they fight for the amusement of a number of anonymous, wealthy patrons who want nothing more than to see humanity's worst fighting for their lives. For them, the blood spilt and lives lost just add to the night's value.
The first person Ganta meets from this blood soaked world is Senji Kiyomasa -- a fighter called the Crow. He is a man who thrives in the hidden depth of DW for years and is able to use the Branch of Sin to form his blood into wickedly sharp, curved blades. Senji is a consummate and dedicated fighter, living for and thrilling in the battles he faces in CC. In the ring, he's a cold, cocky bastard, possessing a sharp analytical mind and years of experience with no moral qualms about cutting down an opponent who can offer him a new kind of challenge. Away from the arena, he is a bit of an outgoing dork, coming up with ridiculous names for things, joking and gossiping over bowls of ramen, and willing to share his knowledge and experience with up and coming rookies. Though most of his life even outside CC focuses on the fight and his preparedness to battle, he's open, friendly, and tends to keep a weather eye out for the people and events of DW. However, he has a bit of trouble around women, usually because he's blushing too hard to do more than stammer out a few words regarding their need for more clothing no matter what they're wearing.
Sample Entry:
Okay, you brats listen up. I'm not sure what the people in charge of this place were thinking, or how they got permission for a transfer like this, or really how I even got here -- drugged probably -- but according to the papers and stuff I found laying around, this is supposed to be some kind of summer camp, and I'm supposed to be some kind of counselor to you guys. Let's just agree now that you're not looking forward to it, and I'm not looking forward to it, but we're both stuck with it 'cause I don't think we're getting out of here any time soon. The only thing about this that's makin' it okay is I'm supposed to be running some kind of fighting club. Since I don't have a choice, it's probably okay for me to admit I don't have experience running these things, but I've got plenty experience fighting. You kids don't look all that impressive to me, and the local wildlife's idea of an attack is a joke. So I guess we'll be playing this by house rules, and by house rules, I mean my house and my rules.
I've decided to call this club Undead Cannibal Club. That doesn't mean you're fighting those corpses, and you don't have to eat the losers. It just sounds cool and tells it like it is. Dead center, like that. Sign-up's easy. Just tell me you want to fight somebody, and I'll start pairing you off. I don't really care about a fair fight so I'm not going to worry too much about who ends up fighting who. If you don't want to fight someone, suck it up or trade fights with someone else. It's not my problem. Win, lose, if you fight, you take a few days break to recover, got it? And, hey, if you guys manage to kill each other, I'll have to write apology letters to send home to your parents with the bodies. So don't do it! It's a pain in my ass.
So, only rule of Undead Cannibal Club is that you get a penalty if you lose. Since I don't think you guys are going to be carving each other up in the name of science, I'll even let you decide what you want to offer up for the fight. Tongue a gorilla, spit shine someone's cabin, do slop duty for a month of Tuesdays -- I don't care. If you really want to wager a lung, you can do that, too. Just don't come crying to me when you lose. I've got no sympathy then, you know?
Now, if any of you brats think you're too good to fight amongst yourselves, you're welcome to ask for a fight with me. I'm not going to be bored in this place though so you'd better be damn entertaining if you're asking. Think of me as the final boss. If you can beat each other and all the little mid-bosses, you'll have the opportunity to face Senji Kiyomasa, but you'd better be dead on. I don't want to have to hold back even for a bunch of brats getting above themselves. If you get boring though, I got no problem walking away!
Oh, and girls, I've seen the clothes you've been prancing about camp in. So to make it safer for everyone, if you're fighting, you're going to be wearing the outfits the nurses have over there. It may get a little hot for you in the summer, but it's in everyone's best interest, and you'll get used to the layers pretty quick. So don't forget to pick yours up before you come to me for sign ups, got it?
Right! Let's make this a good show!
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Ryomou Shimei (Lu Meng Ziming)
Series: Koutetsu Sangokushi
Character Age: 23
Job: Home Care Specialist
Canon: Stop me if you've heard this one before. In the year 200 AD, war was beginning. Three kingdoms were vying for control of the land, with last month's enemy becoming this month's priceless ally. Koutetsu Sangokushi centers around the kingdom of Go (Wu) and her generals, the Six Steeds. With Rikuson/Lu Xun, they attempt to find the Sovereign Seal, a mysterious power that is corrupting the neighboring countries and threatening to bring endless war. Although it has difficulty deciding whether to be Boys Love or a Sentai series, it manages to be a somewhat faithful retelling of history, provided you ignore Meteor, flying mecha dragons, and Lu Xun being a pretty boy who can't go an episode without crying his eyes out.
On the surface, Ryomou Shimei is a soft-spoken, kind man who loves to cook (badly) for his friends, and occasionally wash their backs in the bath as they reminisce about the Good Old Days. He knows there is no place for that kind of person on the battlefield, which is why he attempted to seek a clerical job in the kingdom of Go. Unfortunately for him, he was instead drafted as an military officer. Although very unsure of himself at first, and apologetic for his lack of skills, upon hearing the word "wimp" Ryomou will fight with renewed vigor and almost a loss of control. Alongside his comrades, including his mentor, Taishiji Shigi, he becomes the Green Ranger one of the Six Steeds of Go. He eventually would "Go" on to become the tactician for the kingdom, more sure of himself and his abilities. But however much he grows, Ryomou remains a simple man who enjoys looking after his friends.
Sample Post:
Attention citizens! I am Ryomou Shimei, and I've been called here by your leader and mine, as your new Home Care Specialist. Although it isn't exactly something I've done as a profession before, I do have experience with the job criteria. I have no doubt that we'll all get along here, and I'm glad to meet everyone. I'll try my best to fulfill my duties and help as much as I can-- y-you sir! I've never seen anyone that shade of blue and your skin seems to have been eaten away in some places. Haven't you seen a doctor?! You're in luck, however, as I thought ahead and made a big batch of my famous rice cakes. Sadly, it won't do anything for your amputated arm, but it will help you feel better, and that's half the battle. We can talk about the other half later, after you've eaten. Go on! I can always make more. Don't worry, while I did have to alter the recipe a bit for the native herbs, there doesn't seem to have been any problem. The other two men who tried it may have sizzled a bit, but they do seem more energetic.
Flaming? Don't be absurd! While they may be a bit spicy, I took great care to make sure that even the most sensitive of stomachs-- or lack thereof-- will be able to digest them. And I certainly don't set anything on fire. If you'd like a nice fancy meal, I can cook some later. I'm glad you're interested in my meals already! I can tell this will be the start of a wonderful relationship. If you'd like, after you're done eating, I'll draw bath water for you so we can scrub away the dirt from some of your wounds... oh, that-- that's not dirt? In any case, I'll wash it off for you. I-if only the water wasn't such an unhealthy shade of green. It looks so much like the lake water, but the squid alone should discourage anyone from bathing in that. I hope you like the water hot, because we'll need to make sure there isn't too much bacteria... or other substances in there.
I hope the main cause of the green is a byproduct of the dye that this place derives its name from. While still not entirely healthy or good for anyone, it's a better alternative than any other reason for black water. I have to admit that I was worried, with my lord being in a place with such a vulgar name. But now I see that Camp F-fuck You Dye was aptly named. Everyone I've met so far has been unique shades of purple or blue or green-- it's just the unfortunate by-product from a dye accident. If you would allow me to assist you, I can show you how we dyed fabrics back at home... I prefer green myself, but I can probably make a "rainbow" fabric just for you, since you asked so nicely.
However, I'm appalled that your Lady Director would allow any of her subjects to live like this. Dye or no dye, the facilities here are lacking. A country is made up of her people, and I don't mean that literally! I believe what is needed most, and what will certain boost the morale is-- no, not beatings, but completely new rules and privileges. If you have any suggestions of things you would like to see, speak up and I'll relay them as best as I can... unfortunately, that's limited to things I know of, and so I can't tell her my "thoughts on yaoi". Would you care to explain? I want to help everyone here as best as I can.
...E-excuse me, but a one time experimentation while in the military does not make one a homosexual!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Vincent Valentine
Series: Final Fantasy 7, including the compilation (Advent Children and Dirge of Cerberus)
Character Age: Physical age 27, actual age estimated to be in his late fifties/early 60's
Job: Spokesmodel for CFUD-cosmetics.
Canon: Withdrawn and silent, Vincent Valentine makes an imposing first impression… until one gets to know him and realizes that his silence is not due to a dislike of people or an emotional detachment from the rest of the world: he's just that bad at socializing. A man of action more than words, Vincent is always prepared when you have a mission for him, a goal to accomplish and a struggle to overcome. But when it comes to things like feelings, emotions and knowing when one can just TELL someone that you value them, he is all but completely clueless. Preferring to keep things to himself, except when it comes to telling people what a lowly and despicable man he is, Vincent has slowly been getting better… not any more outgoing or eloquent, but better nonetheless.
Though he is prone to keep grudges and has a hard time letting go of the past, which one may sympathize with considering how it basically consists of "My one true love got stolen because I was too much of a wuzz to stand up for myself, and then I got shot to death and was brought back by science and turned into a zombie-vampire-esque thing who transforms into a werewolf" ,he is always the first to take definitive action to solve a problem and will not turn down a friends request, and it is this willingness to throw himself into danger if it helps others that may yet save him from a life of perpetual emo. Vincent is always ready to face the next challenge life throws his way with a lot of serious frowning and some light dashes of deadpan, dry wit. He may brood, dot and mull while doing so, but he never fails to live up to a task... except perhaps interaction with others. Just because the flesh is willing and can turn into among others things a big, firebreathing furry monster, doesn't always mean the spirit is capable of understanding this thing you humans call 'emotions'.
Sample Entry:
A little bird told me that this was a training camp for a company called Commercialwork For Underachieving Dullards. He said my friends had signed me onto one of their classes, to teach me social skills. I wasn't suspicious back then… Advertising develops social skills. And when one of your acquaintances regularly communicates through a walking cat doll, a talking bird isn't as strange as it could be. But when the first product they asked me to sell involved a commercial in which someone walks up and kicks swamp sludge in my eyes and steals my girlfriend… it hit a little too close to home. They said it was for an exercising system, and that I was a natural fit for the spineless milksop "before" shots. I decided to show them that I was more than capable of playing the latter part. While I didn't get the part, because apparently you can have too much chest hair, they did say they were impressed by my zeal and how I could set them on fire with my mind, so they wanted me to market other products. I thought I had made progress… but I was wrong.
Because the next product they had me sell was purple fur-dye… "for those of us who aren't ready to go silverback just yet". And what little I managed to sell made their fur fall out, which in turn lead to some… rather irate customers that I had to handle personally. And while the blood of those primates now stain my hands, I felt the company was not without guilt. When I shared these feelings with the board, they made me sell "Blasterine Mouthwash", where "the alcohol is not just strong enough to make three decades of bad morning breath go away, but also strong enough to cover up the stink of your failures as a human being". This agency… it seems more and more as if their goal is to insult me rather than make any profits. But if my friends really did sign me up here, I… can't quit so easily. I will give them one more chance to prove they run a legitimate business before I terminate the contract. Well then, time to take care of business…
Ehem. Greetings, ladies and… gentlemen. My name is Vincent Valentine. You may have heard of me from my previous works, like… my previous works. And today, I am here to sell to you a new… 'revolutionary personal hygiene bacterial removal system, a CFUD product for the discerning living-impaired'. I… promise you'll never seen anything like it before, since ... … …
A pincer and a bottle of tequila. This can't be… How to use it, miss? … I guess you pour the liquid on the affected areas and remove the maggots that aren't flushed out with the pincer… No thanks. I don't want to demonstrate it on you, miss. Miss, no. Insist all you want but… Put your shirt back on. Miss, your skin is attached to your shirt, everyone can see your… everything.
Change of plans. Terminate the agency first. Then the contract.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Harry Lockhart
Series: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Age: 36
Job: Narrator
Canon: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a send-up of noir films and pulp novels with mystery, murder, and maiming. Harry Lockhart is a petty thief on the run after an attempt to steal a Christmas present for his niece goes terribly wrong. While trying to dodge the police, he accidentally auditions for a movie. He gets the part and is promptly flown out to L.A. At a party for someone he's never met, he meets a private investigator assigned to keep an eye on him, utterly fails to be a badass, and sees the girl of his dreams. Busy night, yeah? But Harry's not about to catch a break because the next day he 1) stumbles onto a murder/kidnapping conspiracy, 2) accidentally molests his dream girl after her sister is found dead (different murder conspiracy -- or is it) , and 3) pees on a corpse. Then things get complicated.
Harry is what some people might politely refer to as a loser. He's more accurately described as a fuck-up. Harry's never really been successful in his life. Instead of a legitimate job, he makes his living by applying magician training to the fine art of stealing crap like bargain bin toys and gum. Even his missing finger has a mediocre story. War wound? Ninja fight? Nope, he lost it to a slamming door. Most of his lucky breaks and rare moments of awesomeness only happen accidentally -- a wrong place at the right time kind of thing. Harry's failures even include messing up the narration of his own movie. He often has to pause to backtrack because he forgot important exposition, gets distracted and goes off on tangents, and occasionally comments on the how bad a scene is. Despite always having the odds stacked against him, Harry's managed to remain a pretty upstanding and optimistic guy. His job may not be the most respectable, but he makes up for it by sincerely wanting to do right by people. This fidgety, fast-talking, slow-thinking, perpetual screwup is here to save the day.
Sample Entry:
Okay, not that I'm trying to judge or anything because there are, like, people with guns everywhere, but what the fuck kind of operation are you running here? You've been going for -- for what? Three years? And it just now occurred to you that, oh hey, it might be nice to have somebody to explain things to the audience! It's way too late for me to get up to speed, if I even could in the first place, and I don't have the greatest material to work with. Not even a dark and stormy night to get me started? Come on. Is anybody even listening to me? Oh, great, at least I got somebody's attention, even if it is a rotting sack of flesh. How about some personal space here, lady?
Listen, princess. Honey. Scaryface. Can we talk this out? I ... I think we can reason here. I've only got nine fingers, you've only got three limbs. I've seen a lot of corpses, you ... are a corpse. That's more than a lot of people have in common. So, yeah, I'm really hopeful that we can reach a mutual ly beneficial agreement. How about I get to go home to the hot girl of my dreams and you get to find a guy who'd actually be good at this job? How's that sound? Good? ... tasty? I think we're on different wavelengths here. Here I am trying to talk business and you're caught up with this this this walking undead shtick. Really not endearing, by the way.
--wait. Fuck! Shit! Did the, uh, the interview thing start already? Fuck. Good job on that first impression, Harry, now they'll really take you seriously. Jesus. Uh. Hi, my name's Harry Lockhart and I'll be your narrator for this ... this summer camp. Experience. Thing. Sorry about all the swearing. I know, I know "fuck" is right in the title but maybe it's only okay to use it in some ironic twist that I don't understand. And, hell, for all I know the audience is all Midwestern Baptist farmers' wives who never say anything stronger than "fudge" like nobody can tell what that's supposed to mean, you know? Not that there's anything wrong with Baptist farmers' wives in the Midwest. I'm sure they're very lovely women.
Yeah, Iiii'm going to go ahead and apologize for that little tangent too. That was horrible. I'm sorry you had to read that. Let me try again. I am on track and in the zone.
Right. Here we go. It was a beautiful day in Camp Fuck You Die. Well, beautiful for a swamp crawling with rotting flesh and fucked up wildlife, so not that beautiful, but most of the living people here look ridiculously attractive in ways that can't be natural so that's got to be some cosmic balance in action. Anyway, the sun was shining, the birds were chanting death threats, and the zombies were starting to look hungry and swarm together to go on a ... a feeding frenzy...
Maybe I should just stop talking now.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. Closed!
Character Name: Toshiko Sato ("Tosh")
Series: Torchwood
Character Age: 34
Job: Fixer of Those Damned Laptops
Canon (some spoilers ahead): Torchwood - outside the government, beyond the police, yadda yadda yadda. A spinoff of Doctor Who, it chronicles the often-misguided adventures of Torchwood 3, a team that moderates a rift in time and space (as well as anything that may fall through it). Toshiko (called "Tosh" by friends) is the resident computer specialist. Sometime before the series, Tosh was blackmailed into stealing the plans for a device and then building it (the "sonic modulator"), and was then sentenced to life in prison by UNIT. It was the leader of Torchwood 3, Jack Harkness, who rescued her by offering her a job on his team, and as such she owes him her life.
Tosh, despite obviously being a technical genius, is very insecure and has a bit of an inferiority complex. She is a sweet person who treasures her friends at Torchwood, and would do anything for them. She's very skilled in programming and hacking, as well as the building and perfecting of devices, and is thus an invaluable member of the Torchwood 3 team.
Sample App:
Well, it all started when I received an invitation for the "Lemon Party."
I wasn't entirely sure what a Lemon Party was; the brochure didn't say very much about it. Only that it's very important because they only let "old people" in twice a year, and so apparently it is a pretty big deal. I was a little put off by being called 'old', I admit, but I assumed it was only a joke. Anyway, shortly after arriving at the Lemon Party I realized I'd left my phone in the car. But when I tried to go back and retrieve it, I was met with quite the opposition. "One does not simply walk out of CFUD," they said. "Go ahead and try-you'll only end up turning into a dude, or a cat, or some other crazy shit."
And that was that; I'm trapped, and for the moment all I can do is try to make the best of it. After all, I know very well that it could be much, much worse.
Today, I received a package and another brochure-this one is about becoming a camp counselor. It doesn't seem like such a bad idea, considering I am stuck here for the moment anyway. What could be bad about sharing knowledge with the kids here? The brochure lists the main responsibility as "touching children", but I'm sure what they meant was "touching the lives of children". And it seems I've already been assigned a position! It says that it involves "making those damn kids shut up about their stupid laptops." I'm not sure how they found out I was a computer person, but it seems like something I can do! I hope they like me!
Anyway, the package contained quite an odd assortment of things, including The Zombie Survival Guide, a six pack of Red Bull, and a shirt that says "No, I will not fix your computer." That seems a little counter-intuitive, but if they really want me to wear it... In any case, it didn't take long to figure out why they included the book about zombies. I suppose that sight would be a little more jarring if I didn't do what I do back home, but it was still a little unexpected. One of them even came up to me and asked if I would "power-level (their) paladin to 70." What does that even mean? I'll definitely be keeping tabs on them... you know, just in case.
All in all, of course I'd rather be at home, doing my real job, but this could be an interesting experience. I will continue to inquire about leaving, as I already miss everyone, but I have a feeling it could be awhile. I'm sure everyone will be all right without me for a little while.
I guess the moral of the story is that you should always think twice before going to a Lemon Party.
Poll Vote!
Character: Elle Bishop
Series: Heroes
Character Age: 24
Counselor Job: Electroshock Therapy
Canon: Heroes! Ordinary people get extraordinary powers. You know them all: super strength, time travel, flight, precognition, release of instantly deadly diseases under stress . . . wait. Several factions have emerged around these superpowered people, each with more unclear motives and agendas than the others. One of such factions is the blandly-named Company, now under the leadership of one Bob Bishop.
But this app isn't about him; rather, it's about his daughter, Elle. Elle's power is electric manipulation. After causing a multi-county blackout at age 8, she was locked in a facility for superpowered people and extensive testing of her ability began. Being exposed to high doses of electricity for a prolonged amount of time can leave one kinda crazy, and Elle is no different. She's officially diagnosed as a sociopath with paranoid delusions. But her personal records aren't all there is to her. Elle's fond of nicknames and sarcasm, while her cutesy delivery belies a smug sort of malice. Yet it's clear that Elle has spent 16 years of her life as the guinea pig in a lab. She's inexperienced and, in the end, she just wants to please Daddy.
Note: The Company really, really wants Claire for their nefarious goals. Miss Pom-pom is Elle's nickname for her. Permission has been given by Claire to mention the character in the app.
Sample Post:
A facility in the middle of nowhere for people with special powers. You can get in, but can't get out! I won't lie and say I've never heard of that before. Mmm, this one's roomier though. More on the side of Island of Doctor Moreau than on Dexter's Lab, without the . . . gloominess. I've already made friends with some of the purple gorillas; I like their fur! I bet they're what a bad acid trip looks like.
Somehow your Director got a hold of my résumé. I'm still kinda waiting on an explanation for that one, you know? Those files aren't exactly what you'd call public domain . . . All the same! As Michael Corleone said, she made me an offer I couldn't refuse. I can't help but want to make my Dad proud, so here I am. Your Director told me aaaall about you guys with your . . . attitude problems. I'm gonna help with that, I know just the way. From now on, I'll be in charge of the electroshock therapy. Yeah, yeah, I look so young, could I really do this? Have no worries, that's the one thing I've got lots of experience with.
Speaking of experience, I've never been in Louisiana before. Come on, you can't blame me for wanting to do the tourist thing a bit first. Check out the hot springs, buy postcards of the giant tentacles. Get Miss Pom-pom in a box for Daddy. But I'm a hard-working girl. If the first thing I've got to do here is to discourage the undead from, well, underestimating me! Then so be it. After a while though, playing Doctor Frankenstein gets revolting, and there's not a point to it if the monster already talks and walks.
So we can leave them to their wild-brain chase, because this is gonna be kinda like "Show and tell". First I show you on the zombie, and then I tell you what I've go for you to look forward to. Are you troubled? Sad? Commenting anonymously to so-called helpful campers not working out for you? Please stop talking, because I'm here for you now. Hold my hand and sit still. Electroshock therapy helps you focus on the here and now. It'll do great things for your head. Once I discharge you from the treatment, you won't get past an electrical socket without wanting to stick your fingers in.
Right! So I realize most people make you sign a consent to treatment. Those people are boring. It's my personal guarantee that you'll be all aglow after seeing me.
Poll Vote!
Character: Kratos Aurion
Series: Tales of Symphonia
Character Age: Not quite OVER NINE THOUSAND. But appears to be 28.
Job: Swordplay instructor
Canon: WARNING, Spoilers: Tales of Symphonia is the typical saving the world story, but with a new twist: Instead of one world to save, there are two halves of one world to save. The story begins with the hero's party going to save the world, with Kratos as a hired guide. But then it is revealed that Kratos is actually on the villain's, Mithos's, side. At the very end, however, Kratos reveals that he is not a bad guy and gives the party the item they need to save the worlds!
Kratos is the deadpan, straight man to all the crazy characters in Tales of Symphonia. He doesn't have a secret obsession with ruins, he doesn't have an obsession with math, he lacks ADD, is not self-absorbed, and he doesn't cook with his feet. Kratos tends to be matter-of-fact and to the point, and has a strange obsession with Lloyd getting stronger. But that's only because he cares. As the relatively saner party member, he tends to facepalm at everyone else's eccentricities in a long-suffering way. Kratos does not always understand the proper course of action in social situations, being aloof and stoic compared to the others. Nor does he understand that when one tosses their children up into the air, they don't use their full, enhanced strength.
Sample Post:
Good afternoon. My name is Kratos and I will be teaching swordplay. If you need my attention, raise your hand. Your own hand, if you would.
Before we begin, it is important that you understand the rules. You will be needing both hands, so it would be a good idea to stop eating those of your neighbor's. We will be using live targets in this class, and it is not recommended that you use unnecessary force on them until at least the third week. Blood will excite them, so I recommend being careful with your weapons as there will not be a healer standing by, and First Aid will not heal bite marks. No complaining about how it burns and do not poke your fellow campers with the swords. Those ligaments won't grow back, and then I'll have to find a new class. Also, don't run with the swords. You'll impale yourself if you trip and fall, and then how will you be able to find brains?
Now, let's work on a basic stance. First, pick up the swords that I handed out before the beginning of class. No, the sword tip does not need protection. That wasn't a joke, and I'd recommend not laughing as this is very important information. Hold the sword high and firmly with both hands, like so. If your hands are bleeding, you aren't holding the right end and need to speak up before the targets are brought out.
Moan twice if there are any questions. ... No, food will not be provided.
Any other questions? ... Hm? Zombies aren't alive? I'm afraid you're mistaken. If you can kill it, it's alive. Yes, even if killing it means stabbing until it can't move anymore. Please ignore the crawling hand. It doesn't count. Now, on my command, thrust with all your might. And stop laughing. You can't laugh in a real battle situation, no matter how funny it is, and no matter how long your enemy monologues. No, you can't think about that either, or you may find yourself decapitated. And always, always be aware of the situation around you. For instance, there are zombies with sharp teeth and large appetites. You should be prepared to fight back, such as right now, or else they will advance and-- You were supposed to retaliate!
... That was not as planned. No matter. It was only a flesh wound. Now pick up your arm and try again.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Senji Kiyomasa
Series: Deadman Wonderland
Age: 29
Job: Fight Club Organizer
Canon:
Deadman Wonderland is the story of Igarashi Ganta, a fourteen year old boy who was framed for the slaughter of him homeroom class and tossed into the world's only privately owned and operated maximum security penitentiary slash amusement park. In this cutthroat world, he must not only survive the death sentence he's been saddled with, but also the park's grisly entertainments put on by the park for the public's amusement and his fellow inmates themselves. However, buried deep beneath the "lighthearted" upper side of DW, the true Deadmen live and battle in the Cannibal Corpse (also translated "Carnival Corpse"). In this modern day Coliseum, they fight for the amusement of a number of anonymous, wealthy patrons who want nothing more than to see humanity's worst fighting for their lives. For them, the blood spilt and lives lost just add to the night's value.
The first person Ganta meets from this blood soaked world is Senji Kiyomasa -- a fighter called the Crow. He is a man who thrives in the hidden depth of DW for years and is able to use the Branch of Sin to form his blood into wickedly sharp, curved blades. Senji is a consummate and dedicated fighter, living for and thrilling in the battles he faces in CC. In the ring, he's a cold, cocky bastard, possessing a sharp analytical mind and years of experience with no moral qualms about cutting down an opponent who can offer him a new kind of challenge. Away from the arena, he is a bit of an outgoing dork, coming up with ridiculous names for things, joking and gossiping over bowls of ramen, and willing to share his knowledge and experience with up and coming rookies. Though most of his life even outside CC focuses on the fight and his preparedness to battle, he's open, friendly, and tends to keep a weather eye out for the people and events of DW. However, he has a bit of trouble around women, usually because he's blushing too hard to do more than stammer out a few words regarding their need for more clothing no matter what they're wearing.
Sample Entry:
Okay, you brats listen up. I'm not sure what the people in charge of this place were thinking, or how they got permission for a transfer like this, or really how I even got here -- drugged probably -- but according to the papers and stuff I found laying around, this is supposed to be some kind of summer camp, and I'm supposed to be some kind of counselor to you guys. Let's just agree now that you're not looking forward to it, and I'm not looking forward to it, but we're both stuck with it 'cause I don't think we're getting out of here any time soon. The only thing about this that's makin' it okay is I'm supposed to be running some kind of fighting club. Since I don't have a choice, it's probably okay for me to admit I don't have experience running these things, but I've got plenty experience fighting. You kids don't look all that impressive to me, and the local wildlife's idea of an attack is a joke. So I guess we'll be playing this by house rules, and by house rules, I mean my house and my rules.
I've decided to call this club Undead Cannibal Club. That doesn't mean you're fighting those corpses, and you don't have to eat the losers. It just sounds cool and tells it like it is. Dead center, like that. Sign-up's easy. Just tell me you want to fight somebody, and I'll start pairing you off. I don't really care about a fair fight so I'm not going to worry too much about who ends up fighting who. If you don't want to fight someone, suck it up or trade fights with someone else. It's not my problem. Win, lose, if you fight, you take a few days break to recover, got it? And, hey, if you guys manage to kill each other, I'll have to write apology letters to send home to your parents with the bodies. So don't do it! It's a pain in my ass.
So, only rule of Undead Cannibal Club is that you get a penalty if you lose. Since I don't think you guys are going to be carving each other up in the name of science, I'll even let you decide what you want to offer up for the fight. Tongue a gorilla, spit shine someone's cabin, do slop duty for a month of Tuesdays -- I don't care. If you really want to wager a lung, you can do that, too. Just don't come crying to me when you lose. I've got no sympathy then, you know?
Now, if any of you brats think you're too good to fight amongst yourselves, you're welcome to ask for a fight with me. I'm not going to be bored in this place though so you'd better be damn entertaining if you're asking. Think of me as the final boss. If you can beat each other and all the little mid-bosses, you'll have the opportunity to face Senji Kiyomasa, but you'd better be dead on. I don't want to have to hold back even for a bunch of brats getting above themselves. If you get boring though, I got no problem walking away!
Oh, and girls, I've seen the clothes you've been prancing about camp in. So to make it safer for everyone, if you're fighting, you're going to be wearing the outfits the nurses have over there. It may get a little hot for you in the summer, but it's in everyone's best interest, and you'll get used to the layers pretty quick. So don't forget to pick yours up before you come to me for sign ups, got it?
Right! Let's make this a good show!
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Ryomou Shimei (Lu Meng Ziming)
Series: Koutetsu Sangokushi
Character Age: 23
Job: Home Care Specialist
Canon: Stop me if you've heard this one before. In the year 200 AD, war was beginning. Three kingdoms were vying for control of the land, with last month's enemy becoming this month's priceless ally. Koutetsu Sangokushi centers around the kingdom of Go (Wu) and her generals, the Six Steeds. With Rikuson/Lu Xun, they attempt to find the Sovereign Seal, a mysterious power that is corrupting the neighboring countries and threatening to bring endless war. Although it has difficulty deciding whether to be Boys Love or a Sentai series, it manages to be a somewhat faithful retelling of history, provided you ignore Meteor, flying mecha dragons, and Lu Xun being a pretty boy who can't go an episode without crying his eyes out.
On the surface, Ryomou Shimei is a soft-spoken, kind man who loves to cook (badly) for his friends, and occasionally wash their backs in the bath as they reminisce about the Good Old Days. He knows there is no place for that kind of person on the battlefield, which is why he attempted to seek a clerical job in the kingdom of Go. Unfortunately for him, he was instead drafted as an military officer. Although very unsure of himself at first, and apologetic for his lack of skills, upon hearing the word "wimp" Ryomou will fight with renewed vigor and almost a loss of control. Alongside his comrades, including his mentor, Taishiji Shigi, he becomes the Green Ranger one of the Six Steeds of Go. He eventually would "Go" on to become the tactician for the kingdom, more sure of himself and his abilities. But however much he grows, Ryomou remains a simple man who enjoys looking after his friends.
Sample Post:
Attention citizens! I am Ryomou Shimei, and I've been called here by your leader and mine, as your new Home Care Specialist. Although it isn't exactly something I've done as a profession before, I do have experience with the job criteria. I have no doubt that we'll all get along here, and I'm glad to meet everyone. I'll try my best to fulfill my duties and help as much as I can-- y-you sir! I've never seen anyone that shade of blue and your skin seems to have been eaten away in some places. Haven't you seen a doctor?! You're in luck, however, as I thought ahead and made a big batch of my famous rice cakes. Sadly, it won't do anything for your amputated arm, but it will help you feel better, and that's half the battle. We can talk about the other half later, after you've eaten. Go on! I can always make more. Don't worry, while I did have to alter the recipe a bit for the native herbs, there doesn't seem to have been any problem. The other two men who tried it may have sizzled a bit, but they do seem more energetic.
Flaming? Don't be absurd! While they may be a bit spicy, I took great care to make sure that even the most sensitive of stomachs-- or lack thereof-- will be able to digest them. And I certainly don't set anything on fire. If you'd like a nice fancy meal, I can cook some later. I'm glad you're interested in my meals already! I can tell this will be the start of a wonderful relationship. If you'd like, after you're done eating, I'll draw bath water for you so we can scrub away the dirt from some of your wounds... oh, that-- that's not dirt? In any case, I'll wash it off for you. I-if only the water wasn't such an unhealthy shade of green. It looks so much like the lake water, but the squid alone should discourage anyone from bathing in that. I hope you like the water hot, because we'll need to make sure there isn't too much bacteria... or other substances in there.
I hope the main cause of the green is a byproduct of the dye that this place derives its name from. While still not entirely healthy or good for anyone, it's a better alternative than any other reason for black water. I have to admit that I was worried, with my lord being in a place with such a vulgar name. But now I see that Camp F-fuck You Dye was aptly named. Everyone I've met so far has been unique shades of purple or blue or green-- it's just the unfortunate by-product from a dye accident. If you would allow me to assist you, I can show you how we dyed fabrics back at home... I prefer green myself, but I can probably make a "rainbow" fabric just for you, since you asked so nicely.
However, I'm appalled that your Lady Director would allow any of her subjects to live like this. Dye or no dye, the facilities here are lacking. A country is made up of her people, and I don't mean that literally! I believe what is needed most, and what will certain boost the morale is-- no, not beatings, but completely new rules and privileges. If you have any suggestions of things you would like to see, speak up and I'll relay them as best as I can... unfortunately, that's limited to things I know of, and so I can't tell her my "thoughts on yaoi". Would you care to explain? I want to help everyone here as best as I can.
...E-excuse me, but a one time experimentation while in the military does not make one a homosexual!
Poll Vote!
Character name: Vincent Valentine
Series: Final Fantasy 7, including the compilation (Advent Children and Dirge of Cerberus)
Character Age: Physical age 27, actual age estimated to be in his late fifties/early 60's
Job: Spokesmodel for CFUD-cosmetics.
Canon: Withdrawn and silent, Vincent Valentine makes an imposing first impression… until one gets to know him and realizes that his silence is not due to a dislike of people or an emotional detachment from the rest of the world: he's just that bad at socializing. A man of action more than words, Vincent is always prepared when you have a mission for him, a goal to accomplish and a struggle to overcome. But when it comes to things like feelings, emotions and knowing when one can just TELL someone that you value them, he is all but completely clueless. Preferring to keep things to himself, except when it comes to telling people what a lowly and despicable man he is, Vincent has slowly been getting better… not any more outgoing or eloquent, but better nonetheless.
Though he is prone to keep grudges and has a hard time letting go of the past, which one may sympathize with considering how it basically consists of "My one true love got stolen because I was too much of a wuzz to stand up for myself, and then I got shot to death and was brought back by science and turned into a zombie-vampire-esque thing who transforms into a werewolf" ,he is always the first to take definitive action to solve a problem and will not turn down a friends request, and it is this willingness to throw himself into danger if it helps others that may yet save him from a life of perpetual emo. Vincent is always ready to face the next challenge life throws his way with a lot of serious frowning and some light dashes of deadpan, dry wit. He may brood, dot and mull while doing so, but he never fails to live up to a task... except perhaps interaction with others. Just because the flesh is willing and can turn into among others things a big, firebreathing furry monster, doesn't always mean the spirit is capable of understanding this thing you humans call 'emotions'.
Sample Entry:
A little bird told me that this was a training camp for a company called Commercialwork For Underachieving Dullards. He said my friends had signed me onto one of their classes, to teach me social skills. I wasn't suspicious back then… Advertising develops social skills. And when one of your acquaintances regularly communicates through a walking cat doll, a talking bird isn't as strange as it could be. But when the first product they asked me to sell involved a commercial in which someone walks up and kicks swamp sludge in my eyes and steals my girlfriend… it hit a little too close to home. They said it was for an exercising system, and that I was a natural fit for the spineless milksop "before" shots. I decided to show them that I was more than capable of playing the latter part. While I didn't get the part, because apparently you can have too much chest hair, they did say they were impressed by my zeal and how I could set them on fire with my mind, so they wanted me to market other products. I thought I had made progress… but I was wrong.
Because the next product they had me sell was purple fur-dye… "for those of us who aren't ready to go silverback just yet". And what little I managed to sell made their fur fall out, which in turn lead to some… rather irate customers that I had to handle personally. And while the blood of those primates now stain my hands, I felt the company was not without guilt. When I shared these feelings with the board, they made me sell "Blasterine Mouthwash", where "the alcohol is not just strong enough to make three decades of bad morning breath go away, but also strong enough to cover up the stink of your failures as a human being". This agency… it seems more and more as if their goal is to insult me rather than make any profits. But if my friends really did sign me up here, I… can't quit so easily. I will give them one more chance to prove they run a legitimate business before I terminate the contract. Well then, time to take care of business…
Ehem. Greetings, ladies and… gentlemen. My name is Vincent Valentine. You may have heard of me from my previous works, like… my previous works. And today, I am here to sell to you a new… 'revolutionary personal hygiene bacterial removal system, a CFUD product for the discerning living-impaired'. I… promise you'll never seen anything like it before, since ... … …
A pincer and a bottle of tequila. This can't be… How to use it, miss? … I guess you pour the liquid on the affected areas and remove the maggots that aren't flushed out with the pincer… No thanks. I don't want to demonstrate it on you, miss. Miss, no. Insist all you want but… Put your shirt back on. Miss, your skin is attached to your shirt, everyone can see your… everything.
Change of plans. Terminate the agency first. Then the contract.
Poll Vote!
Character name: Harry Lockhart
Series: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang
Age: 36
Job: Narrator
Canon: Kiss Kiss Bang Bang is a send-up of noir films and pulp novels with mystery, murder, and maiming. Harry Lockhart is a petty thief on the run after an attempt to steal a Christmas present for his niece goes terribly wrong. While trying to dodge the police, he accidentally auditions for a movie. He gets the part and is promptly flown out to L.A. At a party for someone he's never met, he meets a private investigator assigned to keep an eye on him, utterly fails to be a badass, and sees the girl of his dreams. Busy night, yeah? But Harry's not about to catch a break because the next day he 1) stumbles onto a murder/kidnapping conspiracy, 2) accidentally molests his dream girl after her sister is found dead (different murder conspiracy -- or is it) , and 3) pees on a corpse. Then things get complicated.
Harry is what some people might politely refer to as a loser. He's more accurately described as a fuck-up. Harry's never really been successful in his life. Instead of a legitimate job, he makes his living by applying magician training to the fine art of stealing crap like bargain bin toys and gum. Even his missing finger has a mediocre story. War wound? Ninja fight? Nope, he lost it to a slamming door. Most of his lucky breaks and rare moments of awesomeness only happen accidentally -- a wrong place at the right time kind of thing. Harry's failures even include messing up the narration of his own movie. He often has to pause to backtrack because he forgot important exposition, gets distracted and goes off on tangents, and occasionally comments on the how bad a scene is. Despite always having the odds stacked against him, Harry's managed to remain a pretty upstanding and optimistic guy. His job may not be the most respectable, but he makes up for it by sincerely wanting to do right by people. This fidgety, fast-talking, slow-thinking, perpetual screwup is here to save the day.
Sample Entry:
Okay, not that I'm trying to judge or anything because there are, like, people with guns everywhere, but what the fuck kind of operation are you running here? You've been going for -- for what? Three years? And it just now occurred to you that, oh hey, it might be nice to have somebody to explain things to the audience! It's way too late for me to get up to speed, if I even could in the first place, and I don't have the greatest material to work with. Not even a dark and stormy night to get me started? Come on. Is anybody even listening to me? Oh, great, at least I got somebody's attention, even if it is a rotting sack of flesh. How about some personal space here, lady?
Listen, princess. Honey. Scaryface. Can we talk this out? I ... I think we can reason here. I've only got nine fingers, you've only got three limbs. I've seen a lot of corpses, you ... are a corpse. That's more than a lot of people have in common. So, yeah, I'm really hopeful that we can reach a mutual ly beneficial agreement. How about I get to go home to the hot girl of my dreams and you get to find a guy who'd actually be good at this job? How's that sound? Good? ... tasty? I think we're on different wavelengths here. Here I am trying to talk business and you're caught up with this this this walking undead shtick. Really not endearing, by the way.
--wait. Fuck! Shit! Did the, uh, the interview thing start already? Fuck. Good job on that first impression, Harry, now they'll really take you seriously. Jesus. Uh. Hi, my name's Harry Lockhart and I'll be your narrator for this ... this summer camp. Experience. Thing. Sorry about all the swearing. I know, I know "fuck" is right in the title but maybe it's only okay to use it in some ironic twist that I don't understand. And, hell, for all I know the audience is all Midwestern Baptist farmers' wives who never say anything stronger than "fudge" like nobody can tell what that's supposed to mean, you know? Not that there's anything wrong with Baptist farmers' wives in the Midwest. I'm sure they're very lovely women.
Yeah, Iiii'm going to go ahead and apologize for that little tangent too. That was horrible. I'm sorry you had to read that. Let me try again. I am on track and in the zone.
Right. Here we go. It was a beautiful day in Camp Fuck You Die. Well, beautiful for a swamp crawling with rotting flesh and fucked up wildlife, so not that beautiful, but most of the living people here look ridiculously attractive in ways that can't be natural so that's got to be some cosmic balance in action. Anyway, the sun was shining, the birds were chanting death threats, and the zombies were starting to look hungry and swarm together to go on a ... a feeding frenzy...
Maybe I should just stop talking now.
Poll Vote!