(no subject)
NEW BATCH! Keep it up, guys!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. CLOSED
Character: Ichinomiya Kantarou
Series: Tactics
Character Age: unknown, but late twenties/early thirties
Job: Monster Relations Advisor
Canon: Since his early childhood, Ichinomiya Kantarou has always admired the legendary creature known as the Ogre-Eating Tengu, and was determined to become friends with him. When he finally finds and unseals said tengu, he finds himself involved in more than he originally bargained for. Numerous enemies from the Ogre-Eater's past have come crawling out of the woodwork for him, and Kantarou still needs to make enough to keep his family fed while battling his epic laziness.
Unlike most humans, Kantarou was born with the rare ability to see spirits and supernatural creatures (called youkai) and loved them dearly, which led to him being picked on constantly when he was very young. From that lonely childhood, he fashioned himself into an easily cheerful, careless sort of guy, always ready to flatter, play cute, or launch into dramatic tears when pushed. He'd rather chase after youkai than do his proper work as a folklorist, but under that there's a caring and deeply understanding young man who desperately wants to become stronger so he can work to bridge the gap between youkai and humans.
Note: Shougi is a Japanese board game similar to chess that Kantarou enjoys playing.
Sample Post:
When I first arrived I admit I was a little doubtful -- but I take that all back, ehehehe! ♥ Foreign youkai are just as interesting as the ones back home, and there are so many here that I've only read about before! I mean, this is the first time I've had tea with a kraken, and I really have to say, Marcy-chan, your photos in the camp brochures do you no justice at all. The way your tentacles gleam in the sunlight is just fantastic, and they're all so strong and shapely~ Eheh, I'll have to demand a rematch of our shougi game, once I'm properly settled. You truly are amazing, Marcy-chan; the fact that everyone here seems so terrified of you is a shame. But don't worry! Kan-chan is here to help you! With a little effort, they'll be lining up for you to get your tentacles in them, and I'll be the first!
Oh, and not just Marcy-chan either, but all of you! Zombies and boggarts and all things that touch others in the night! It's not fair that they call you "monsters" without getting to know you first. How many of you were here before people began showing up? Raise your hands if that's the case! No, no, the ones you're using for finger-food don't count-- ahah, that's quite a lot of you. If you ask me, you all should be allowed to come and go freely through the main area like the rest of them! Listen: this isn't just a summer camp, it's an opportunity! People can see you here! Don't you know how wonderful that is? Take advantage of that to the fullest and show that under the rotting gray skin and the greasy fur and the slimy tentacles, your hearts are the same as theirs! Both literally and figuratively, huh. There's any number of ways we can go about this, it's just a matter of finding out what fits best ...
Ah, I've got a good idea! In Japan, a hundred youkai will sometimes get together in the "hyakkiyakkou," and parade around in a big group. I have it on good authority that it's a great way to get to know each other♥ And we have over a hundred already, we're set! All you have to do is carry your lanterns and walk together -- most of you have that slow forward shuffle down perfectly already! People are always drawn to others having a good time, so once everyone sees all of you having fun, I'm sure they'll want to join in as well! Share amongst yourselves! After all, it is summer, so ghost-stories are traditional. A little late-night chill will help cool their blood, and who wouldn't be grateful for that, in this heat? Of course, you actual ghosts can participate as well. Just because you can't carry a lantern of your own is no reason to get so dispirited. If we start at the lake and make a tour of all of camp's major landmarks, then even Marcy-chan can participate!
Let's get started~ first stop, the onsen!
Poll Vote!
Character: Haruka
Series: Tactics
Character Age: Around 1000 years old, but looks around 24.
Job: Instruction in the Avoidance of Bad Touch
Canon: As a child, Ichinomiya Kantarou wanted nothing more than to make the ogre-eating tengu (bird demon) his ~best friend forever~ and picked out a name just for him! Several years later, he unseals the very tengu he hero-worshipped and makes him his unwilling friend! Together, they help youkai-kind everywhere...while trying to pay the bills on time, no thanks to Kantarou's laziness. At the same time, a lot of mysterious people are gunning for Haruka for reasons still unknown.
Haruka, as he was named by Kantarou, is the legendary ogre-eating tengu. He tends to appear cynical, blunt, and disapproving of everything around him, but deep deep down, he's as soft-hearted as they come. With a fondness for shiny objects and his precious rice bowl, Haruka can be silently kind and helpful when he chooses to be. Sometimes. Rarely. On occasion. You get the picture. His apathy lets him put up with almost any circumstance and he has a weak spot for anything small and cute. Testy and often given to flailing and yelling when things don't go the way he planned, he's also rather dense to people's ulterior motives. And people tend to have a lot of ulterior motives towards Ha~ru~ka ♥.
Sample Post:
There are many things the world does not prepare you for.
This is one of them. I am Haruka, your new teacher at Camp Fuck U Die, and I'm here to teach you how to avoid the "Bad Touch." Let's start with the basics. First, there is the low level kind of touch called the "Grope." The Grope is used in close quarters of any kind, like those absurd vehicles called "white vans". They are vile, insidious beings whose true motives remain unknown...though one time they told me "We like big butts and we can not lie".You may be wondering how you can disarm these revolting assailants. The answer is simple enough: you break their arms. Unfortunately, in this place, they grow back almost immediately. I won't say no to continuous limb dislocation though.
Next, there is the "Surpraize Buttsex". This tends to be used very rarely, but when it does happen...It takes you completely by...yes, you guessed it, surprise. People use this technique to quickly get what they want and they are willing to do it whether you are fully clothed or...when you're taking a bath in a nearby stream as I recently discovered to my disgust. Humans honestly have no decency or any sense of morality. What was the meaning behind stealing my pants anyway?
Now, onto more serious defense techniques. There are several ways to defeat a Buttsex attempt. One is to lure them to another target and then attack. Yes, I see that this can be a dishonorable way of avoiding it, but I'm the teacher and I know best, at least certainly better than you inexperienced lot. First, you need to make sure you have a suitable replacement. Like those pitiful green, sick looking "things" that abound in this place who should be ashamed to be called human. They are the optimal kind of bait -- No, I do not count. You cannot use me like this. Unhand me immediately or you will regret it! And leave my coat alone! I SAID LEAVE MY COAT -- HEY, THAT'S MY TIE! You better stop or I'm going to use the stick on you! That's right, back off --hey get back here with those!
Ahem. As I was saying when I still possessed most of my clothing, that was one of the most useful methods to avoid the Bad Touch. Another useful method I have recently discovered is to not mention any of the key words that attract their attention. Do not underestimate their hearing skills, they have the eyes of a fox, the ears of a wolf and the grace of a dancing goose.And should they hear you say the word "ass" -- They will slap it. Hard and loudly. Lastly, you must be prepared to expect the unexpected and never let down your guard! Now that I'm done, I'm getting out of here as soon as I find my missing clothes again... Why are you standing so close to me and what's with that hard bulge in your pants? No, stop right there and stay away from my ass---
--Ow! That hurt! I really hate this job.
Poll Vote!
Character: Dr. Franken Stein
Series: Soul Eater
Character's Age: old enough to be a teacher
Job: Zombie Repair Man
Canon: Soul Eater is the story of students attending a school run by Shinigami-sama to become the best little meisters (weapons technicians) and weapons they can be. It tends to center around this one group of kids who have to face evil, especially in the form of insanity which is symbolicly touching the world in bad places and slowly driving people crazy and toward the dark side without the lure of cookies. All of which is caused by the witches who happen to be the enemy, using their powers to try and revive the demon gods of chaos, or kishin.
Stein himself is a professor at the Shinigami Weapon Meister Vocational School and is a fairly quirky individual. Quite insane and knowing it, he is more than a bit fascinated by dissection and studying living things (including his own senpai at school). Though more of a passive personality, he can be a responsible adult at times, worrying about his charges and making sure that they can fight the baddies on their own. He is very straight to the point about things, often cutting out the fat of the issue and getting to the heart of the matter. Because of this and the fact that he's actually quite strong in his soul's wavelength, the aspect of a meister that bonds them to their weapon, Stein is one of Shinigami-sama's most trusted advisers. Especially in regards to the threat of chaos and insanity on the horizon.
Note: Stein is being taken prior to chapter 34 aka the Brew Tempest Arc.
Sample Post:
So... a quick announcement for whoever thought that blowing up zombies was a fun pastime: your punishment is to be my... assistant whenever I deem it necessary. I could have thought of a position more humbling, but I figure this kind of title will be punishment enough and it is important that I have someone help me with the uglier side of my job. You can hold the parts together while I sew or something. If you have a problem with this, feel free to complain to Madam Sayre, but I have a letter right here, signed and everything.
Hello campers and possible test subjects, my name is Dr. Stein. I will be working here from now on as the Zombie Caretaker, among other tasks. My job is to first inform you all that zombies were once people, too; second, patch up the zombies that are missing more than a few limbs; and third, inform you that you are all doing it wrong. If you're going to destroy the undead, you have to do it with a bit more flare, and if you're just in it for the sadism... treat it like poisoning pigeons in the park on a sunny afternoon or something. More fun, and makes my job more enjoyable. On the other hand, from what I've been told on my trip here, some of you people have never seen zombies before arriving here, so of course there will be a lot of confusion on the matter. Let me give you a brief lesson right here and now.
See here, this is a zombie head. Yes, just the head. Yes, the zombie is still "alive". Note how it's still asking for brains--no, not mine, yours. And maybe it wants your arms and legs and torso as well. Why don't we ask Mr. Zombie? I also have behind me, a box full of zombie limbs. Feel free to pick one up... or let it pick you up, that's fine, too. Now this? This is a sad way to spend your time, scattering the bits everywhere via explosions and leaving them to rot more. There are far more interesting things to do with a perfectly good zombie. A zombie is essentially a corpse, so one has to ask how it moves. It's not like the tentacled monster or trees around here which seem to be the result of radiation from the lake, though I will be wanting to look a bit closer at dear Marcy, even with that restraining order still in place. So, how can we find out the answer?
Dissection is a sure-fire way to do it, but it's so hard to cut apart the rotting flesh when it's been blown to smithereens. I'm sure you can understand what I'm saying, right? Don't worry, I have my ways of fixing this problem. In fact, acting as my helper until I get my assistant, my healthy zombie over here can do something for me that will both help me with repairing its kin as well as answer my question. What better way to get in mind how a zombie should be structured? Oh, don't mind the gorilla, he's just there to make sure it can't back out of its obligations.
Now stay still while I borrow your body for a bit, Mr. Zombie. Don't worry, I'll only touch it a little before I give it back. ♥
Poll Vote!
Character: Aleister Crowley the Third (or Arystar Krory, depending on your translation)
Series: D Gray Man
Character Age: 28
Job: Evil Minion Babysitter
Canon: D Gray Man is your standard "let's fight the monsters and save the world" type of show. However, the people saving the world this time are a clown, a one-eyed pervert, a not-vampire, a cranky swordsman, and a girl with an insanely over-protective brother. To top it all off, the main villain is a jolly fat man called the Earl of the Millennium who talks with hearts, flies around on an umbrella, makes demonic underlings called Akuma, and tries to steal the Innocence of the good guys. Luckily, the good guys' Innocence can take the form of holy weapons, so they can fight off whatever baddies the Earl sends their way.
Aleister Crowley is an Exorcist, and he is also one of the few characters that wouldn't be violating child labor laws if this series took place in modern times. Crowley comes from a very well-to-do family, so he has a tendency to speak formally (and seriously) at times. At first he is mistaken for a vampire, since it seemed like he was attacking humans, but later it is revealed that his Innocence is in his teeth and blood, and that the humans he was attacking were actually Akuma in disguise. Crowley is a little on the shy side, having been sheltered all of his life, but he does make an attempt to be friendly with people and find out about life outside of his previous home. Unfortunately, he looks very scary (often being compared to a vampire, much to his dismay), so his attempts typically end in crushing failure. Which he responds to with tears of woe. In fact, Crowley responds to a lot of things with tears of woe. However, Crowley continues to try, as he really wants to be a good friend to his newfound teammates.
Sample Post:
I should have known that a job with the requirement 'must laugh maniacally at least once a day' would be nothing but trouble. In fact, most of these requirements sound strange. The only one that sounds even remotely normal is 'must have long and complicated plans.' Also, why do people assume that I am evil just because I somewhat resemble a vampire? Comparing me to Dracula is not the way to get on my good side. Neither is asking if I sparkle. What does that have to do with anything? Oh well, at least these evil minions I'm babysitting haven't been terribly dangerous. That first group was alright, if a bit smelly. They didn't seem to fond of my Innocence, and they were relatively slow. It was relatively easy to watch over them, but being surrounded by evil beings that smell horrible is a little depressing... It seems like I'm needed here, though. These evil minions would be running around unchecked without me. If it will help mankind, then I will stay here and continue to babysit these evil minions.
Speaking of which, is this the next group? ...they're gorillas. First it was those strange rotting beings, and now gorillas? What sort of person has these creatures for evil minions? No wonder they need a babysitter. I guess I should introduce myself now? Ahem. Greetings, evil minions! I am Aleister Crowley, and I will be in charge of you from this day forward. Now I know it is in your nature to be evil, but that will no longer be tolerated. Despite my fearful appearances, I am actually good. So, as long as I hold the title of 'evil minion babysitter,' you will listen to me and behave. To start off with, I have a few rules. Firstly, there will be no evil acts. Don't give me that look, I'm being quite serious. I know you are all evil minions, but you will not behave as such while you're in my care.
Secondly, you must show respect when dealing with camp materials. I saw a couple of you throwing around a trash can earlier, and I will not stand for that. This is not your home. This place belongs to the Director, and you will treat her property with respect. This idea of respect also brings us to the final rule: you are not allowed to eat any humans. I'm sure that none of you would actually try to eat a human, but I'm putting that rule there because of the last group I worked with. These are the three rules that you all will follow while you are in my charge. I fully intend to keep all of you safe, as long as you all behave and do not harm humans, like some other groups of evil minions have. You all will behave, right?
...Right?
...this must be why a 'maniacal laugh' is a requirement for this job. It must be a signal they use to know when to pay attention.
Poll Vote!
Character: Eliade
Series: D. Gray-Man
Character Age: Appears to be in her early 20's
Job: Cosmetics and Fashion Counselor
Canon: It's really a pity to lose your loved one, but the Earl can fix that right up--for a price. What does it cost, you ask? It's simple; you give him the only thing he's interested in: your body. By entering a contract with him, it becomes his plaything for all eternity. And, of course, you do get loved one brought back to life. He sticks their soul into your body, the end result being a creature called an "Akuma"; everything else after that is up to him. That is, unless Exorcists, those who have dedicated their lives to fighting the Earl, don't kill his Akuma first.
Eliade, like most evolved Akuma, is capable of coherent thought and has retained a personality. She wears the skin of a beautiful woman, and, because of this, has a great interest in shopping, makeup, and outward appearances. She can be quite the charmer and enjoys flirting with anyone interested (she wouldn't hesitate to offer a little unf unf time to tease a heart). But don't think Eliade is sweet; she's anything but. Eliade is a strong woman, and won't take any smack you're throwing her--she's easy to piss off if you won't listen or insult her appearance, and she won't tolerate anyone getting in her way. Eliade can hold quite a bit of a grudge, and won't hesitate to resort to underhanded tactics to satisfy her goals, even if it means giving in to the bloodlust Akuma have. But, in the end, it's all about being beautiful, and all that blood just isn't good for your skin, you know?
Sample Post:
They were right when they said Akuma weren't lucky enough to get to hell--they go to camp.
But the Director sure knows how to flatter a woman, saying I was the campers' only hope. And, looking at them, I'd have to agree. Their skin's a disgusting shade of green, others are just like shameful animals, and the ones that actually resemble humans look like they haven't seen civilization in years. Spiky hair and mauve chest armor? You'd be better off dead--and I'd have no trouble correcting the problem that way, should any of you brats disrespect my guidance. Of course, some of you have potential, and it'd be a pity to get stained with your blood. But don't think I'll go easy on you; you won't like me when I'm angry.
Now, we'll start with the basics--clothes. Missing limbs? Not attractive. But the right outfit can help you with that. And it looks like some of you know where this is going, since your pants are already off. As for other reasons to be pantless, let's wait until after the lesson ♥ Don't think that you can neglect your bottom half just because you have an eye-catching top, be it a healthy D cup or fancy cravat. But boys, you never start with the pants--think of them as an accessory. They complement your outfit, but they don't stand out; you want to have a refined look. After all, women like jewels, not pigs waddling in mud--or hairy buffoons, for that matter. Yes, I'm talking to you. It's not that hard. Your top needs to compliment your body type and bring out your charm. You want to be bold, don't you?
But don't think girls have it easy. There are two different places all the attention is going to, and they all have to be coordinated if you want to look close to decent. You don't know where I mean? Che, no wonder your bits are falling off like that--look, I'll show you on the doll. First down here, below the waist. Before I let what's left of your minds wander, I mean the dress. Don't get too distracted now by dirty thoughts just because you have a pretty instructor, or I'll be forced to hand over my job to Madame Marcy over there, got it? ♥ You see, it's not as easy as you think to properly pull off a dress for any occasion. After all, you don't come to a party without a certain intent, now do you? But if those flies buzzing around your head say anything, you don't get what I'm implying, so I'll have to spell it out: You want to look good.
As for the second place, it would be over here--the face. This would bring me to the second half of the lesson, makeup. You won't get anywhere if your skin is so filled with rashes and zits that even a numbskull with holes for eyes can tell you're ugly. First of all, you need to buy the right brand at the classiest store around-- Hm? There's only one store around here? Well, that explains a few things. You guys with the nasty skin, come up here. Here's a lesson: These guys are lost causes. You see their rotting flesh and that skin that won't match anything? Had they noticed earlier on, they could've been saved. Now they can only delude themselves by thinking their clothes made by strong women have the strongest fashion sense, but the truth hurts: They're ugly. If you're beyond help like them, suck it up and take it like a man. Or, if you're female, kill yourself now.
I'll be giving this lesson again once I have a word with the director about the lack of stores in this backwater swamp, but for now, I suppose I'll take questions. Oh, but before I'm flooded with this question and you need to be kicked, no, makeup can't make your bulge look bigger, so stop asking.
Poll Vote!
Character: Gwen Williams (nee Cooper)
Series: Torchwood
Character Age: 30
Counselor Job: Roofie Distributor
Canon: Torchwood, one of the variety of scions of the time-travelling wonder show that is Doctor Who, is based around the story of one Captain Jack Harkness and his team of slightly inept 'experts' as they track down alien life on earth and arm the human race for the future. Why? Because the twenty-first century is when it all changes, and Torchwood is ready. Does that sound like a well-used tagline to you? That would be because it is. Captain Jack likes to inform us of the series' goals right at the beginning of the episode, while we're fresh. Torchwood is about as subtle as this in general, being a show targeted for adults that's full of scandal, raciness, funny anagrammatical things with the word 'subtext', and, best of all, the good old 'alien dust makes us have sex' storyline. Of course, there's a slightly dubious plot to the show too. But what's equally evident is its heart and soul, and Gwen Cooper is in fact employed to achieve this.
All joking aside. Gwen, the most recent addition to the Torchwood team, was a police officer upon her first encounter with them, just your usual plod investigating a murder case on the streets of Cardiff. Her investigation led her to Torchwood, and although she was lovingly roofied by Jack Harkness using a drug called 'retcon' upon her finding out about his happy wonder squad, she battled back against the memory-wiping pill, showing him her true potential. As circumstances unfolded, Jack employed her to show him and his jaded team how to relate to and love humanity again. Sadly, when you put one person with a healthy attitude among several with unhealthy attitudes, it's usually the majority who wins out - Gwen goes on a complicated emotional journey throughout her time at Torchwood, trying to balance her job with her normal life and boyfriend, but never lets go of her morals or her common sense. And she never stops naturally caring about people, not even when she's hit rock bottom herself. Other than that, she's a woman with balls of steel, and determination to match; a capable and confident leader, she challenges Jack at every turn when she feels he's doing it wrong.
Sample Post:
Look, Sunshine, I don't know what this is about, but I can tell you this: you've got the wrong girl. I came here with the absolute best of intentions, and I have to say I was not expecting this kind of reception. If this is how you treat people around here, no wonder this place is desperate for staff. Allowing wild beasts to roam around the place, that's one thing, but allowing them to attack innocent passers-by is quite another! Not to mention, there's got to be at least one cruelty to animals charge that could be applied here. God knows what you've done to these gorillas to get them stay still long enough for a dye and set, for goodness' sake! And that colour is just cruel and unusual. I only came here because I received a letter of invitation, so the manhandling was really unnecessary. And I wasn't sneaking around, either. I was ... just lost. I even approached that talking toucan to ask which way to go to get to the complex, but he responded ... somewhat unhelpfully. Let's just say I've never wanted to go to the 'candy shop', particularly not to 'lick the lollipop' of any one bird that actually may look better as Sunday dinner, and I wasn't standing for any rudeness from a glorified parakeet. He's certainly not the oddest thing I've ever seen. Nor are you lot, with your creepy costumes, and your zombie masks. Funny joke, is it? Well, I don't see anyone else laughing, do you? You're not scary. If you're trying to pretend you're aliens, you're doing an awfully bad job of it.
Anyway. Let's just ... calm down, and discuss this. Rationally. What's this, then? Some sort of camp court, is it? Well, I suppose kids will play their games at summer camp. Go on, then, what've I been charged with, does it say on this paper? ... unlawful distribution of memory-altering drugs? ... Well, that's not a funny joke at all. God, it was only once, the world truly is never going to let me forget it, is it? But then, I suppose it's on a repeated theme. That letter had something about "roofies" on it, too. Well, you can tell your Director, whoever the hell she is, that she can stuff her job. I didn't come here to take it, and I certainly don't want it. I came here for something quite different, I can assure you. There's a thing here, in this place, something waiting. I don't know what it is, but it shows up on our scanners, and as soon as I received the letter we became aware of it. I came here because there's something pulling people in, some sort of black hole in time and space. You have to listen to me, right? There's something waiting in the dark. Something even I'm scared of, and I've seen things you would never believe--
I don't know what I've said that is so funny. Listen to me. I'm here on behalf of Torchwood. Torchwood. A place like this, have you heard of us? ... I'm going to do myself a favour and assume that the hip thrusting and odd groans mean no, not yes. And ... I suppose, thinking about it, I shouldn't have said anything. I wonder if you could do Auntie Gwen a huge favour and not mention that word to anyone, ever again? ... I guess not! Although groaning 'Torchwood' is slightly less macabre than groaning 'brains', I suppose.
Now, then. With that in mind, would anyone like a sweet?
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Inorganic Angel Rociel
Series: Angel Sanctuary
Age: Old. Immortal. It's complicated.
Job: Negative Motivational Counselor
Canon: Angel Sanctuary is a heartwarming tale of incest, murder, obsession, insanity, trannies, impregnation by multi-ocular tube babies, killing God, and the power of love~! The story chronicles the (mis)adventures of Setsuna Mudou, a totally normal teenage boy that just so happens to be (a) the latest reincarnation of the Organic Angel Alexiel, doomed to suffer tragedy and a brutal demise in each subsequent life, and (b) head-over-heels in love with his biological sister, Sara. As a result, Setsuna becomes embroiled in the politics of heaven, hailed as the Savior meant to bring about change in the world, despite the twisted and highly unangelic machinations of God, the Prime Minister, Lucifer, crazy rapist babies, and ... you get the idea.
The Inorganic Angel Rociel, twin brother of Alexiel and the trappiest angel in all of heaven, is largely responsible for a number of the fucking-over-Setsuna games. Torn between a wild obsessive love and a fierce (and equally obsessive) hatred for his sister, Rociel's number one personality trait can effectively be summed up as "completely insane." When not getting his crazy all over heaven and having fits about his sisterrrrr, Rociel can be incredibly clever, deeply intuitive, and a master of intrigue and getting his own way. However, his dementia is only aggravated by being at least slightly aware of the slow deterioration of his body and mind. Heaven's prettiest princess-an overpowered, psychotic, sadistic badtouch angel in bitch heels-Rociel enjoys being a manipulative bastard, using his body to wrap people around his little finger and have them say he's beautiful ... in his good moments. As for his BAD moments? He's been known to destroy entire planes of existence and create mindless slaves out of his enemies. Needless to say, there's ... not much of a difference these days.
Note: Mod permission was given to app Rociel as a counselor due to/despite his mixed-up aging issues, based on his station and authority.
Sample Post:
What a miserable breeding-ground for despair you've found yourself in this time, my dear sister~! To think, I've followed you here, only to find you keeping company with filthy humans, and ... that girl. My, my, what an interesting place. I'm so devastated I wasn't invited along to begin with ... but you needn't worry, Alexiel. No matter where you go, your dear brother will always follow. Why, we're meant to be together, are we not? There is no place you can go that I won't find you. Aren't you happy? That every step you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you?
But in a place like this, crawling with filthy humans and rotting undead ... it gives me unpleasant thoughts, brings up memories I don't like. And the suggestion that I cannot leave? Just who does this "Director" think she is? Not even all the powers of heaven can keep me imprisoned forever, and this human dares to suggest that her flimsy barrier might keep me in? It's a good thing I choose to be here with my dearest sister. Otherwise, all your petty little delusions might be shattered. And that would just be terrible.
I suppose that while I'm here, though, I'll play this little game of yours, my dear, dear campers. I'll be your most beautiful counselor, here to teach you about the meaning of love~ won't that be fun? I've even got an outfit for playing teacher, cute glasses and all. And the very best thing, such a lovely long ruler! I think I'll have even more fun disciplining everyone than I will teaching. Spare the rod, spoil the fun, after all! Luckily, you look like you're all very good at bending over already. Lots and lots of practice, hmm? Hahaha! You won't have any trouble bending over for me. But don't worry, I'll be gentle ... enough for you to beg me not to be. And that's a promise.
What shall we do first, now? Oh, I'm sure everybody has questions to ask, hmm? So let's see~ "What is love? baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more?" ... very funny, you uncultured trash. And how utterly stupid. Some fools think of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness-? Well, you can all just die if you expect that out of anybody. Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and marks. Learn to recognize the foolishness of your own hopes and dreams, pathetic things that they are. You want to be with the one you love, but aren't prepared to let yourself be destroyed? Just give up now. Bend over, bare your neck, and lick my boots. It's all you're good for, after all.
Che! If this is the kind of thing I'm going to be dealing with, I'm afraid I'm going to lose interest very fast. Whimpering, useless sacks of flesh who don't know their place do bore me so. And on top of that, I'm having nothing to do with your so-called "positive" motivational counselor. "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family?" Hahahaha.
Here's the new plan: shut up and beg for my mercy, or your purple friend here gets it. ♥
Poll Vote!
Character: Katan
Series: Angel Sanctuary
Character Age: Unknown but appears in his mid-twenties
Job: Doomed Romantic Relationship Advisor
Canon: Angel Sanctuary is a pretty manga filled with angel angst, incestuous passions and a generous dose of mental disorders and obsessions. Sentenced to being continuously reincarnated into lifetimes of misery and an early and painful death for her sins against heaven and her twin brother Rociel, Alexiel's soul currently lives on as one not-so-average high school student, Setsuna Mudou, who just can't help having the hots for his sister, Sara. Rociel's not one to let being trapped in the earth for a few thousand years stop him, though, and he's got a not-so-secret weapon to set him free. Enter loyal Katan, once the lowest of angels but worked his way up after being given a body by Rociel, forever the small voice of protesting reason and goodness at Rociel's side. His most devout servant who stops at nothing, even sacrificing children and using dark magic to break the seal that binds Rociel, Katan wishes for *the highest angel Rociel to bring order once again to the heavens. However Rociel, though once kind and wise, now only wishes to feed his obsessive love and hate for his sister, playing games with lives and feelings as he slowly mentally degrades from crazy to well, batshit insane.
A gentle and quiet angel, Katan is dedicated, responsible, but not without his own stubbornness and personal opinions. For Katan, Rociel is his most important person above all else. He considers himself to have sinned beyond salvation and yet is unable to leave his master's side because of his love for Rociel. Katan does not support Rociel's insanity-driven cruelty nor his selfish decisions (though he always reassures Rociel of his beauty), often angering his master by doing what he considers is best for Rociel's interest and not what he is ordered. He's polite if a little dry in humor, but not above butting into other's business in order to try to right the wrong or help others. Katan is not a bad man, merely one that has weighed his personal considerations of importance and chosen a damned path. Being able to put up with the ultimate trap angel of destruction and sadism says a lot about his personal mental endurance as well. And of course Katan knows Rociel needs and loves him too--even if he shows it in his special way with bitch boots and a whip.
Sample Post:
I really don't quite know why I was hired for this position, though I will try to do my best. Your Director seemed quite insistent that I take it, even though I honestly have no real experience in, well, romance or doomed relationships. And yes--my own relationships are all very healthy, thank you for asking. This doesn't exactly look like Remedial Doomed Relationships Advising 201, but since your Director's introductory letter came with heavenly recommendations and specific orders ...
Well, since I'm here to advise on ... you know, doomed is such a negative word. Let's use directionally challenged. That sounds just a little more positive. And in these types of circumstances, we really do want to keep a positive mindset. Mm, a presently available example is like when dealing with a not-so-pleasant environment similar to the one we're currently residing in. This pile of toucan bird carcasses to the left is like ... a troubling secret in your relationship. If you and the other person have too many of these bird carcasses, you won't be able to fully enjoy the scenic view all around, what with the rotting trees and molding green foliage. So make sure you clear out the secrets between you, like telling them that they really are the person you love the most in the world. After all, keeping secrets between loved ones can cause all sorts of disasters, even if you mean the best for the other person. Not everyone can handle "but I blew up the entire astral plane just for you", correct?
So, we've removed the troubling toucan carcasses of our relationship. "What about the rest of this dreary swamp," you might say? Working at a relationship is a hard thing, even if you're not in a directionally challenged one. So there are some basic ground rules to help you better understand that difficult-to-love person in your life. Lord Rociel, I've prepared a hard copy of all this for when you're free. Just some suggested reading material. Number one: How to deal when your loved one uses intimidation tactics. Sometimes it's hard to accept the beatings, throwing of objects, stabbing, and whipping. Try your best to make your point heard through words. Express yourself with more than just a violent reprimand. For our visual learners in the group, instead of trying to beat the undead next to you, just try and tell them what you want from them. Yes, braaaains is a very nice start. Remember that the next time you think about using your arm as a blunt instrument, everyone.
Never assume that you understand them, either, though you might not want them to know this. Sometimes a lot of conflicts and arguments can just be avoided if you cleared up what both of you meant. Like this lake here with its resident deep water creature. I'm sure most of you will think of her as a cruel, anatomically intrusive she-monster, but even monsters have feelings, yes? Have any of you deigned to ask what made her like this? If perhaps there is more in that deep mind behind her glistening, slimy exterior than dragging beautiful young boys down to her cold, lonely lair, exposing them to her tragic and desperate ways of expressing her inner desires. Have you ever asked her how she feels?
Yes, my Lady Marcy ... you truly are beautiful as no other tentacle monster was.
Poll Vote!
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. CLOSED
Character: Ichinomiya Kantarou
Series: Tactics
Character Age: unknown, but late twenties/early thirties
Job: Monster Relations Advisor
Canon: Since his early childhood, Ichinomiya Kantarou has always admired the legendary creature known as the Ogre-Eating Tengu, and was determined to become friends with him. When he finally finds and unseals said tengu, he finds himself involved in more than he originally bargained for. Numerous enemies from the Ogre-Eater's past have come crawling out of the woodwork for him, and Kantarou still needs to make enough to keep his family fed while battling his epic laziness.
Unlike most humans, Kantarou was born with the rare ability to see spirits and supernatural creatures (called youkai) and loved them dearly, which led to him being picked on constantly when he was very young. From that lonely childhood, he fashioned himself into an easily cheerful, careless sort of guy, always ready to flatter, play cute, or launch into dramatic tears when pushed. He'd rather chase after youkai than do his proper work as a folklorist, but under that there's a caring and deeply understanding young man who desperately wants to become stronger so he can work to bridge the gap between youkai and humans.
Note: Shougi is a Japanese board game similar to chess that Kantarou enjoys playing.
Sample Post:
When I first arrived I admit I was a little doubtful -- but I take that all back, ehehehe! ♥ Foreign youkai are just as interesting as the ones back home, and there are so many here that I've only read about before! I mean, this is the first time I've had tea with a kraken, and I really have to say, Marcy-chan, your photos in the camp brochures do you no justice at all. The way your tentacles gleam in the sunlight is just fantastic, and they're all so strong and shapely~ Eheh, I'll have to demand a rematch of our shougi game, once I'm properly settled. You truly are amazing, Marcy-chan; the fact that everyone here seems so terrified of you is a shame. But don't worry! Kan-chan is here to help you! With a little effort, they'll be lining up for you to get your tentacles in them, and I'll be the first!
Oh, and not just Marcy-chan either, but all of you! Zombies and boggarts and all things that touch others in the night! It's not fair that they call you "monsters" without getting to know you first. How many of you were here before people began showing up? Raise your hands if that's the case! No, no, the ones you're using for finger-food don't count-- ahah, that's quite a lot of you. If you ask me, you all should be allowed to come and go freely through the main area like the rest of them! Listen: this isn't just a summer camp, it's an opportunity! People can see you here! Don't you know how wonderful that is? Take advantage of that to the fullest and show that under the rotting gray skin and the greasy fur and the slimy tentacles, your hearts are the same as theirs! Both literally and figuratively, huh. There's any number of ways we can go about this, it's just a matter of finding out what fits best ...
Ah, I've got a good idea! In Japan, a hundred youkai will sometimes get together in the "hyakkiyakkou," and parade around in a big group. I have it on good authority that it's a great way to get to know each other♥ And we have over a hundred already, we're set! All you have to do is carry your lanterns and walk together -- most of you have that slow forward shuffle down perfectly already! People are always drawn to others having a good time, so once everyone sees all of you having fun, I'm sure they'll want to join in as well! Share amongst yourselves! After all, it is summer, so ghost-stories are traditional. A little late-night chill will help cool their blood, and who wouldn't be grateful for that, in this heat? Of course, you actual ghosts can participate as well. Just because you can't carry a lantern of your own is no reason to get so dispirited. If we start at the lake and make a tour of all of camp's major landmarks, then even Marcy-chan can participate!
Let's get started~ first stop, the onsen!
Poll Vote!
Character: Haruka
Series: Tactics
Character Age: Around 1000 years old, but looks around 24.
Job: Instruction in the Avoidance of Bad Touch
Canon: As a child, Ichinomiya Kantarou wanted nothing more than to make the ogre-eating tengu (bird demon) his ~best friend forever~ and picked out a name just for him! Several years later, he unseals the very tengu he hero-worshipped and makes him his unwilling friend! Together, they help youkai-kind everywhere...while trying to pay the bills on time, no thanks to Kantarou's laziness. At the same time, a lot of mysterious people are gunning for Haruka for reasons still unknown.
Haruka, as he was named by Kantarou, is the legendary ogre-eating tengu. He tends to appear cynical, blunt, and disapproving of everything around him, but deep deep down, he's as soft-hearted as they come. With a fondness for shiny objects and his precious rice bowl, Haruka can be silently kind and helpful when he chooses to be. Sometimes. Rarely. On occasion. You get the picture. His apathy lets him put up with almost any circumstance and he has a weak spot for anything small and cute. Testy and often given to flailing and yelling when things don't go the way he planned, he's also rather dense to people's ulterior motives. And people tend to have a lot of ulterior motives towards Ha~ru~ka ♥.
Sample Post:
There are many things the world does not prepare you for.
This is one of them. I am Haruka, your new teacher at Camp Fuck U Die, and I'm here to teach you how to avoid the "Bad Touch." Let's start with the basics. First, there is the low level kind of touch called the "Grope." The Grope is used in close quarters of any kind, like those absurd vehicles called "white vans". They are vile, insidious beings whose true motives remain unknown...though one time they told me "We like big butts and we can not lie".You may be wondering how you can disarm these revolting assailants. The answer is simple enough: you break their arms. Unfortunately, in this place, they grow back almost immediately. I won't say no to continuous limb dislocation though.
Next, there is the "Surpraize Buttsex". This tends to be used very rarely, but when it does happen...It takes you completely by...yes, you guessed it, surprise. People use this technique to quickly get what they want and they are willing to do it whether you are fully clothed or...when you're taking a bath in a nearby stream as I recently discovered to my disgust. Humans honestly have no decency or any sense of morality. What was the meaning behind stealing my pants anyway?
Now, onto more serious defense techniques. There are several ways to defeat a Buttsex attempt. One is to lure them to another target and then attack. Yes, I see that this can be a dishonorable way of avoiding it, but I'm the teacher and I know best, at least certainly better than you inexperienced lot. First, you need to make sure you have a suitable replacement. Like those pitiful green, sick looking "things" that abound in this place who should be ashamed to be called human. They are the optimal kind of bait -- No, I do not count. You cannot use me like this. Unhand me immediately or you will regret it! And leave my coat alone! I SAID LEAVE MY COAT -- HEY, THAT'S MY TIE! You better stop or I'm going to use the stick on you! That's right, back off --hey get back here with those!
Ahem. As I was saying when I still possessed most of my clothing, that was one of the most useful methods to avoid the Bad Touch. Another useful method I have recently discovered is to not mention any of the key words that attract their attention. Do not underestimate their hearing skills, they have the eyes of a fox, the ears of a wolf and the grace of a dancing goose.And should they hear you say the word "ass" -- They will slap it. Hard and loudly. Lastly, you must be prepared to expect the unexpected and never let down your guard! Now that I'm done, I'm getting out of here as soon as I find my missing clothes again... Why are you standing so close to me and what's with that hard bulge in your pants? No, stop right there and stay away from my ass---
--Ow! That hurt! I really hate this job.
Poll Vote!
Character: Dr. Franken Stein
Series: Soul Eater
Character's Age: old enough to be a teacher
Job: Zombie Repair Man
Canon: Soul Eater is the story of students attending a school run by Shinigami-sama to become the best little meisters (weapons technicians) and weapons they can be. It tends to center around this one group of kids who have to face evil, especially in the form of insanity which is symbolicly touching the world in bad places and slowly driving people crazy and toward the dark side without the lure of cookies. All of which is caused by the witches who happen to be the enemy, using their powers to try and revive the demon gods of chaos, or kishin.
Stein himself is a professor at the Shinigami Weapon Meister Vocational School and is a fairly quirky individual. Quite insane and knowing it, he is more than a bit fascinated by dissection and studying living things (including his own senpai at school). Though more of a passive personality, he can be a responsible adult at times, worrying about his charges and making sure that they can fight the baddies on their own. He is very straight to the point about things, often cutting out the fat of the issue and getting to the heart of the matter. Because of this and the fact that he's actually quite strong in his soul's wavelength, the aspect of a meister that bonds them to their weapon, Stein is one of Shinigami-sama's most trusted advisers. Especially in regards to the threat of chaos and insanity on the horizon.
Note: Stein is being taken prior to chapter 34 aka the Brew Tempest Arc.
Sample Post:
So... a quick announcement for whoever thought that blowing up zombies was a fun pastime: your punishment is to be my... assistant whenever I deem it necessary. I could have thought of a position more humbling, but I figure this kind of title will be punishment enough and it is important that I have someone help me with the uglier side of my job. You can hold the parts together while I sew or something. If you have a problem with this, feel free to complain to Madam Sayre, but I have a letter right here, signed and everything.
Hello campers and possible test subjects, my name is Dr. Stein. I will be working here from now on as the Zombie Caretaker, among other tasks. My job is to first inform you all that zombies were once people, too; second, patch up the zombies that are missing more than a few limbs; and third, inform you that you are all doing it wrong. If you're going to destroy the undead, you have to do it with a bit more flare, and if you're just in it for the sadism... treat it like poisoning pigeons in the park on a sunny afternoon or something. More fun, and makes my job more enjoyable. On the other hand, from what I've been told on my trip here, some of you people have never seen zombies before arriving here, so of course there will be a lot of confusion on the matter. Let me give you a brief lesson right here and now.
See here, this is a zombie head. Yes, just the head. Yes, the zombie is still "alive". Note how it's still asking for brains--no, not mine, yours. And maybe it wants your arms and legs and torso as well. Why don't we ask Mr. Zombie? I also have behind me, a box full of zombie limbs. Feel free to pick one up... or let it pick you up, that's fine, too. Now this? This is a sad way to spend your time, scattering the bits everywhere via explosions and leaving them to rot more. There are far more interesting things to do with a perfectly good zombie. A zombie is essentially a corpse, so one has to ask how it moves. It's not like the tentacled monster or trees around here which seem to be the result of radiation from the lake, though I will be wanting to look a bit closer at dear Marcy, even with that restraining order still in place. So, how can we find out the answer?
Dissection is a sure-fire way to do it, but it's so hard to cut apart the rotting flesh when it's been blown to smithereens. I'm sure you can understand what I'm saying, right? Don't worry, I have my ways of fixing this problem. In fact, acting as my helper until I get my assistant, my healthy zombie over here can do something for me that will both help me with repairing its kin as well as answer my question. What better way to get in mind how a zombie should be structured? Oh, don't mind the gorilla, he's just there to make sure it can't back out of its obligations.
Now stay still while I borrow your body for a bit, Mr. Zombie. Don't worry, I'll only touch it a little before I give it back. ♥
Poll Vote!
Character: Aleister Crowley the Third (or Arystar Krory, depending on your translation)
Series: D Gray Man
Character Age: 28
Job: Evil Minion Babysitter
Canon: D Gray Man is your standard "let's fight the monsters and save the world" type of show. However, the people saving the world this time are a clown, a one-eyed pervert, a not-vampire, a cranky swordsman, and a girl with an insanely over-protective brother. To top it all off, the main villain is a jolly fat man called the Earl of the Millennium who talks with hearts, flies around on an umbrella, makes demonic underlings called Akuma, and tries to steal the Innocence of the good guys. Luckily, the good guys' Innocence can take the form of holy weapons, so they can fight off whatever baddies the Earl sends their way.
Aleister Crowley is an Exorcist, and he is also one of the few characters that wouldn't be violating child labor laws if this series took place in modern times. Crowley comes from a very well-to-do family, so he has a tendency to speak formally (and seriously) at times. At first he is mistaken for a vampire, since it seemed like he was attacking humans, but later it is revealed that his Innocence is in his teeth and blood, and that the humans he was attacking were actually Akuma in disguise. Crowley is a little on the shy side, having been sheltered all of his life, but he does make an attempt to be friendly with people and find out about life outside of his previous home. Unfortunately, he looks very scary (often being compared to a vampire, much to his dismay), so his attempts typically end in crushing failure. Which he responds to with tears of woe. In fact, Crowley responds to a lot of things with tears of woe. However, Crowley continues to try, as he really wants to be a good friend to his newfound teammates.
Sample Post:
I should have known that a job with the requirement 'must laugh maniacally at least once a day' would be nothing but trouble. In fact, most of these requirements sound strange. The only one that sounds even remotely normal is 'must have long and complicated plans.' Also, why do people assume that I am evil just because I somewhat resemble a vampire? Comparing me to Dracula is not the way to get on my good side. Neither is asking if I sparkle. What does that have to do with anything? Oh well, at least these evil minions I'm babysitting haven't been terribly dangerous. That first group was alright, if a bit smelly. They didn't seem to fond of my Innocence, and they were relatively slow. It was relatively easy to watch over them, but being surrounded by evil beings that smell horrible is a little depressing... It seems like I'm needed here, though. These evil minions would be running around unchecked without me. If it will help mankind, then I will stay here and continue to babysit these evil minions.
Speaking of which, is this the next group? ...they're gorillas. First it was those strange rotting beings, and now gorillas? What sort of person has these creatures for evil minions? No wonder they need a babysitter. I guess I should introduce myself now? Ahem. Greetings, evil minions! I am Aleister Crowley, and I will be in charge of you from this day forward. Now I know it is in your nature to be evil, but that will no longer be tolerated. Despite my fearful appearances, I am actually good. So, as long as I hold the title of 'evil minion babysitter,' you will listen to me and behave. To start off with, I have a few rules. Firstly, there will be no evil acts. Don't give me that look, I'm being quite serious. I know you are all evil minions, but you will not behave as such while you're in my care.
Secondly, you must show respect when dealing with camp materials. I saw a couple of you throwing around a trash can earlier, and I will not stand for that. This is not your home. This place belongs to the Director, and you will treat her property with respect. This idea of respect also brings us to the final rule: you are not allowed to eat any humans. I'm sure that none of you would actually try to eat a human, but I'm putting that rule there because of the last group I worked with. These are the three rules that you all will follow while you are in my charge. I fully intend to keep all of you safe, as long as you all behave and do not harm humans, like some other groups of evil minions have. You all will behave, right?
...Right?
...this must be why a 'maniacal laugh' is a requirement for this job. It must be a signal they use to know when to pay attention.
Poll Vote!
Character: Eliade
Series: D. Gray-Man
Character Age: Appears to be in her early 20's
Job: Cosmetics and Fashion Counselor
Canon: It's really a pity to lose your loved one, but the Earl can fix that right up--for a price. What does it cost, you ask? It's simple; you give him the only thing he's interested in: your body. By entering a contract with him, it becomes his plaything for all eternity. And, of course, you do get loved one brought back to life. He sticks their soul into your body, the end result being a creature called an "Akuma"; everything else after that is up to him. That is, unless Exorcists, those who have dedicated their lives to fighting the Earl, don't kill his Akuma first.
Eliade, like most evolved Akuma, is capable of coherent thought and has retained a personality. She wears the skin of a beautiful woman, and, because of this, has a great interest in shopping, makeup, and outward appearances. She can be quite the charmer and enjoys flirting with anyone interested (she wouldn't hesitate to offer a little unf unf time to tease a heart). But don't think Eliade is sweet; she's anything but. Eliade is a strong woman, and won't take any smack you're throwing her--she's easy to piss off if you won't listen or insult her appearance, and she won't tolerate anyone getting in her way. Eliade can hold quite a bit of a grudge, and won't hesitate to resort to underhanded tactics to satisfy her goals, even if it means giving in to the bloodlust Akuma have. But, in the end, it's all about being beautiful, and all that blood just isn't good for your skin, you know?
Sample Post:
They were right when they said Akuma weren't lucky enough to get to hell--they go to camp.
But the Director sure knows how to flatter a woman, saying I was the campers' only hope. And, looking at them, I'd have to agree. Their skin's a disgusting shade of green, others are just like shameful animals, and the ones that actually resemble humans look like they haven't seen civilization in years. Spiky hair and mauve chest armor? You'd be better off dead--and I'd have no trouble correcting the problem that way, should any of you brats disrespect my guidance. Of course, some of you have potential, and it'd be a pity to get stained with your blood. But don't think I'll go easy on you; you won't like me when I'm angry.
Now, we'll start with the basics--clothes. Missing limbs? Not attractive. But the right outfit can help you with that. And it looks like some of you know where this is going, since your pants are already off. As for other reasons to be pantless, let's wait until after the lesson ♥ Don't think that you can neglect your bottom half just because you have an eye-catching top, be it a healthy D cup or fancy cravat. But boys, you never start with the pants--think of them as an accessory. They complement your outfit, but they don't stand out; you want to have a refined look. After all, women like jewels, not pigs waddling in mud--or hairy buffoons, for that matter. Yes, I'm talking to you. It's not that hard. Your top needs to compliment your body type and bring out your charm. You want to be bold, don't you?
But don't think girls have it easy. There are two different places all the attention is going to, and they all have to be coordinated if you want to look close to decent. You don't know where I mean? Che, no wonder your bits are falling off like that--look, I'll show you on the doll. First down here, below the waist. Before I let what's left of your minds wander, I mean the dress. Don't get too distracted now by dirty thoughts just because you have a pretty instructor, or I'll be forced to hand over my job to Madame Marcy over there, got it? ♥ You see, it's not as easy as you think to properly pull off a dress for any occasion. After all, you don't come to a party without a certain intent, now do you? But if those flies buzzing around your head say anything, you don't get what I'm implying, so I'll have to spell it out: You want to look good.
As for the second place, it would be over here--the face. This would bring me to the second half of the lesson, makeup. You won't get anywhere if your skin is so filled with rashes and zits that even a numbskull with holes for eyes can tell you're ugly. First of all, you need to buy the right brand at the classiest store around-- Hm? There's only one store around here? Well, that explains a few things. You guys with the nasty skin, come up here. Here's a lesson: These guys are lost causes. You see their rotting flesh and that skin that won't match anything? Had they noticed earlier on, they could've been saved. Now they can only delude themselves by thinking their clothes made by strong women have the strongest fashion sense, but the truth hurts: They're ugly. If you're beyond help like them, suck it up and take it like a man. Or, if you're female, kill yourself now.
I'll be giving this lesson again once I have a word with the director about the lack of stores in this backwater swamp, but for now, I suppose I'll take questions. Oh, but before I'm flooded with this question and you need to be kicked, no, makeup can't make your bulge look bigger, so stop asking.
Poll Vote!
Character: Gwen Williams (nee Cooper)
Series: Torchwood
Character Age: 30
Counselor Job: Roofie Distributor
Canon: Torchwood, one of the variety of scions of the time-travelling wonder show that is Doctor Who, is based around the story of one Captain Jack Harkness and his team of slightly inept 'experts' as they track down alien life on earth and arm the human race for the future. Why? Because the twenty-first century is when it all changes, and Torchwood is ready. Does that sound like a well-used tagline to you? That would be because it is. Captain Jack likes to inform us of the series' goals right at the beginning of the episode, while we're fresh. Torchwood is about as subtle as this in general, being a show targeted for adults that's full of scandal, raciness, funny anagrammatical things with the word 'subtext', and, best of all, the good old 'alien dust makes us have sex' storyline. Of course, there's a slightly dubious plot to the show too. But what's equally evident is its heart and soul, and Gwen Cooper is in fact employed to achieve this.
All joking aside. Gwen, the most recent addition to the Torchwood team, was a police officer upon her first encounter with them, just your usual plod investigating a murder case on the streets of Cardiff. Her investigation led her to Torchwood, and although she was lovingly roofied by Jack Harkness using a drug called 'retcon' upon her finding out about his happy wonder squad, she battled back against the memory-wiping pill, showing him her true potential. As circumstances unfolded, Jack employed her to show him and his jaded team how to relate to and love humanity again. Sadly, when you put one person with a healthy attitude among several with unhealthy attitudes, it's usually the majority who wins out - Gwen goes on a complicated emotional journey throughout her time at Torchwood, trying to balance her job with her normal life and boyfriend, but never lets go of her morals or her common sense. And she never stops naturally caring about people, not even when she's hit rock bottom herself. Other than that, she's a woman with balls of steel, and determination to match; a capable and confident leader, she challenges Jack at every turn when she feels he's doing it wrong.
Sample Post:
Look, Sunshine, I don't know what this is about, but I can tell you this: you've got the wrong girl. I came here with the absolute best of intentions, and I have to say I was not expecting this kind of reception. If this is how you treat people around here, no wonder this place is desperate for staff. Allowing wild beasts to roam around the place, that's one thing, but allowing them to attack innocent passers-by is quite another! Not to mention, there's got to be at least one cruelty to animals charge that could be applied here. God knows what you've done to these gorillas to get them stay still long enough for a dye and set, for goodness' sake! And that colour is just cruel and unusual. I only came here because I received a letter of invitation, so the manhandling was really unnecessary. And I wasn't sneaking around, either. I was ... just lost. I even approached that talking toucan to ask which way to go to get to the complex, but he responded ... somewhat unhelpfully. Let's just say I've never wanted to go to the 'candy shop', particularly not to 'lick the lollipop' of any one bird that actually may look better as Sunday dinner, and I wasn't standing for any rudeness from a glorified parakeet. He's certainly not the oddest thing I've ever seen. Nor are you lot, with your creepy costumes, and your zombie masks. Funny joke, is it? Well, I don't see anyone else laughing, do you? You're not scary. If you're trying to pretend you're aliens, you're doing an awfully bad job of it.
Anyway. Let's just ... calm down, and discuss this. Rationally. What's this, then? Some sort of camp court, is it? Well, I suppose kids will play their games at summer camp. Go on, then, what've I been charged with, does it say on this paper? ... unlawful distribution of memory-altering drugs? ... Well, that's not a funny joke at all. God, it was only once, the world truly is never going to let me forget it, is it? But then, I suppose it's on a repeated theme. That letter had something about "roofies" on it, too. Well, you can tell your Director, whoever the hell she is, that she can stuff her job. I didn't come here to take it, and I certainly don't want it. I came here for something quite different, I can assure you. There's a thing here, in this place, something waiting. I don't know what it is, but it shows up on our scanners, and as soon as I received the letter we became aware of it. I came here because there's something pulling people in, some sort of black hole in time and space. You have to listen to me, right? There's something waiting in the dark. Something even I'm scared of, and I've seen things you would never believe--
I don't know what I've said that is so funny. Listen to me. I'm here on behalf of Torchwood. Torchwood. A place like this, have you heard of us? ... I'm going to do myself a favour and assume that the hip thrusting and odd groans mean no, not yes. And ... I suppose, thinking about it, I shouldn't have said anything. I wonder if you could do Auntie Gwen a huge favour and not mention that word to anyone, ever again? ... I guess not! Although groaning 'Torchwood' is slightly less macabre than groaning 'brains', I suppose.
Now, then. With that in mind, would anyone like a sweet?
Poll Vote!
Character Name: Inorganic Angel Rociel
Series: Angel Sanctuary
Age: Old. Immortal. It's complicated.
Job: Negative Motivational Counselor
Canon: Angel Sanctuary is a heartwarming tale of incest, murder, obsession, insanity, trannies, impregnation by multi-ocular tube babies, killing God, and the power of love~! The story chronicles the (mis)adventures of Setsuna Mudou, a totally normal teenage boy that just so happens to be (a) the latest reincarnation of the Organic Angel Alexiel, doomed to suffer tragedy and a brutal demise in each subsequent life, and (b) head-over-heels in love with his biological sister, Sara. As a result, Setsuna becomes embroiled in the politics of heaven, hailed as the Savior meant to bring about change in the world, despite the twisted and highly unangelic machinations of God, the Prime Minister, Lucifer, crazy rapist babies, and ... you get the idea.
The Inorganic Angel Rociel, twin brother of Alexiel and the trappiest angel in all of heaven, is largely responsible for a number of the fucking-over-Setsuna games. Torn between a wild obsessive love and a fierce (and equally obsessive) hatred for his sister, Rociel's number one personality trait can effectively be summed up as "completely insane." When not getting his crazy all over heaven and having fits about his sisterrrrr, Rociel can be incredibly clever, deeply intuitive, and a master of intrigue and getting his own way. However, his dementia is only aggravated by being at least slightly aware of the slow deterioration of his body and mind. Heaven's prettiest princess-an overpowered, psychotic, sadistic badtouch angel in bitch heels-Rociel enjoys being a manipulative bastard, using his body to wrap people around his little finger and have them say he's beautiful ... in his good moments. As for his BAD moments? He's been known to destroy entire planes of existence and create mindless slaves out of his enemies. Needless to say, there's ... not much of a difference these days.
Note: Mod permission was given to app Rociel as a counselor due to/despite his mixed-up aging issues, based on his station and authority.
Sample Post:
What a miserable breeding-ground for despair you've found yourself in this time, my dear sister~! To think, I've followed you here, only to find you keeping company with filthy humans, and ... that girl. My, my, what an interesting place. I'm so devastated I wasn't invited along to begin with ... but you needn't worry, Alexiel. No matter where you go, your dear brother will always follow. Why, we're meant to be together, are we not? There is no place you can go that I won't find you. Aren't you happy? That every step you take, every move you make, I'll be watching you?
But in a place like this, crawling with filthy humans and rotting undead ... it gives me unpleasant thoughts, brings up memories I don't like. And the suggestion that I cannot leave? Just who does this "Director" think she is? Not even all the powers of heaven can keep me imprisoned forever, and this human dares to suggest that her flimsy barrier might keep me in? It's a good thing I choose to be here with my dearest sister. Otherwise, all your petty little delusions might be shattered. And that would just be terrible.
I suppose that while I'm here, though, I'll play this little game of yours, my dear, dear campers. I'll be your most beautiful counselor, here to teach you about the meaning of love~ won't that be fun? I've even got an outfit for playing teacher, cute glasses and all. And the very best thing, such a lovely long ruler! I think I'll have even more fun disciplining everyone than I will teaching. Spare the rod, spoil the fun, after all! Luckily, you look like you're all very good at bending over already. Lots and lots of practice, hmm? Hahaha! You won't have any trouble bending over for me. But don't worry, I'll be gentle ... enough for you to beg me not to be. And that's a promise.
What shall we do first, now? Oh, I'm sure everybody has questions to ask, hmm? So let's see~ "What is love? baby don't hurt me, don't hurt me no more?" ... very funny, you uncultured trash. And how utterly stupid. Some fools think of happiness, blissfulness, togetherness-? Well, you can all just die if you expect that out of anybody. Love hurts, love scars, love wounds and marks. Learn to recognize the foolishness of your own hopes and dreams, pathetic things that they are. You want to be with the one you love, but aren't prepared to let yourself be destroyed? Just give up now. Bend over, bare your neck, and lick my boots. It's all you're good for, after all.
Che! If this is the kind of thing I'm going to be dealing with, I'm afraid I'm going to lose interest very fast. Whimpering, useless sacks of flesh who don't know their place do bore me so. And on top of that, I'm having nothing to do with your so-called "positive" motivational counselor. "I love you, you love me, we're a happy family?" Hahahaha.
Here's the new plan: shut up and beg for my mercy, or your purple friend here gets it. ♥
Poll Vote!
Character: Katan
Series: Angel Sanctuary
Character Age: Unknown but appears in his mid-twenties
Job: Doomed Romantic Relationship Advisor
Canon: Angel Sanctuary is a pretty manga filled with angel angst, incestuous passions and a generous dose of mental disorders and obsessions. Sentenced to being continuously reincarnated into lifetimes of misery and an early and painful death for her sins against heaven and her twin brother Rociel, Alexiel's soul currently lives on as one not-so-average high school student, Setsuna Mudou, who just can't help having the hots for his sister, Sara. Rociel's not one to let being trapped in the earth for a few thousand years stop him, though, and he's got a not-so-secret weapon to set him free. Enter loyal Katan, once the lowest of angels but worked his way up after being given a body by Rociel, forever the small voice of protesting reason and goodness at Rociel's side. His most devout servant who stops at nothing, even sacrificing children and using dark magic to break the seal that binds Rociel, Katan wishes for *the highest angel Rociel to bring order once again to the heavens. However Rociel, though once kind and wise, now only wishes to feed his obsessive love and hate for his sister, playing games with lives and feelings as he slowly mentally degrades from crazy to well, batshit insane.
A gentle and quiet angel, Katan is dedicated, responsible, but not without his own stubbornness and personal opinions. For Katan, Rociel is his most important person above all else. He considers himself to have sinned beyond salvation and yet is unable to leave his master's side because of his love for Rociel. Katan does not support Rociel's insanity-driven cruelty nor his selfish decisions (though he always reassures Rociel of his beauty), often angering his master by doing what he considers is best for Rociel's interest and not what he is ordered. He's polite if a little dry in humor, but not above butting into other's business in order to try to right the wrong or help others. Katan is not a bad man, merely one that has weighed his personal considerations of importance and chosen a damned path. Being able to put up with the ultimate trap angel of destruction and sadism says a lot about his personal mental endurance as well. And of course Katan knows Rociel needs and loves him too--even if he shows it in his special way with bitch boots and a whip.
Sample Post:
I really don't quite know why I was hired for this position, though I will try to do my best. Your Director seemed quite insistent that I take it, even though I honestly have no real experience in, well, romance or doomed relationships. And yes--my own relationships are all very healthy, thank you for asking. This doesn't exactly look like Remedial Doomed Relationships Advising 201, but since your Director's introductory letter came with heavenly recommendations and specific orders ...
Well, since I'm here to advise on ... you know, doomed is such a negative word. Let's use directionally challenged. That sounds just a little more positive. And in these types of circumstances, we really do want to keep a positive mindset. Mm, a presently available example is like when dealing with a not-so-pleasant environment similar to the one we're currently residing in. This pile of toucan bird carcasses to the left is like ... a troubling secret in your relationship. If you and the other person have too many of these bird carcasses, you won't be able to fully enjoy the scenic view all around, what with the rotting trees and molding green foliage. So make sure you clear out the secrets between you, like telling them that they really are the person you love the most in the world. After all, keeping secrets between loved ones can cause all sorts of disasters, even if you mean the best for the other person. Not everyone can handle "but I blew up the entire astral plane just for you", correct?
So, we've removed the troubling toucan carcasses of our relationship. "What about the rest of this dreary swamp," you might say? Working at a relationship is a hard thing, even if you're not in a directionally challenged one. So there are some basic ground rules to help you better understand that difficult-to-love person in your life. Lord Rociel, I've prepared a hard copy of all this for when you're free. Just some suggested reading material. Number one: How to deal when your loved one uses intimidation tactics. Sometimes it's hard to accept the beatings, throwing of objects, stabbing, and whipping. Try your best to make your point heard through words. Express yourself with more than just a violent reprimand. For our visual learners in the group, instead of trying to beat the undead next to you, just try and tell them what you want from them. Yes, braaaains is a very nice start. Remember that the next time you think about using your arm as a blunt instrument, everyone.
Never assume that you understand them, either, though you might not want them to know this. Sometimes a lot of conflicts and arguments can just be avoided if you cleared up what both of you meant. Like this lake here with its resident deep water creature. I'm sure most of you will think of her as a cruel, anatomically intrusive she-monster, but even monsters have feelings, yes? Have any of you deigned to ask what made her like this? If perhaps there is more in that deep mind behind her glistening, slimy exterior than dragging beautiful young boys down to her cold, lonely lair, exposing them to her tragic and desperate ways of expressing her inner desires. Have you ever asked her how she feels?
Yes, my Lady Marcy ... you truly are beautiful as no other tentacle monster was.
Poll Vote!