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Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. CLOSED.
Character: Joker
Series: Flame of Recca (manga)
Age: about 25-26
Job: Backup Gravity (in case of failure of the Laws of Physics)
Canon: Flame of Recca is about a boy who wants to be a ninja. And then it turns out he is a ninja, so he chooses to protect this girl with the ability to heal people. The series is also about these special ninja weapons called Madogu that give their wielders various powers from flight to telepathy to control of plants. The cast uses these weapons in epic tournaments and battles to determine who is the best, who gets the girl, and something about collecting Madogu and attaining immortality. In true shounen-retard style, many of the opponents Recca and company defeat become Redeemed through the power of an old fashioned Good Guy Beatdown. You know, where the protagonists yell "For what reason do you fight??!" while fireballing the other person in the face...or in some cases taking one in the face.
In the midst of all this shounen-retardery we have Joker! He is the token mysterious and helpful stranger who shows up in the first tournament arc to dork around and act like a happy-go-lucky fool and then provide surprisingly insightful clues for beating the enemy. His carefree, flippant, and often downright goofy personality tends to belie his sharp eye not only for a weapon's weakness but also for the truth of a person's character. Of course, his attitude also disguises his strength as a fighter. In battle, when Joker isn't flailing around cheerfully pretending his dodges are accidental he is using his weapon, the Taishaku Kaiten, to manipulate gravity to his advantage. As with many Mysterious Helpful Strangers, he is a wily one and mostly hangs around to further his own agenda, which in this case is to have fun and to fight someone interesting! The manga describes Joker as "free like the flowing clouds." He certainly isn't the type that likes to be tied down. However it's possible to earn his loyalty if you fascinate him enough.
Note: he uses the notoriously inconsistent to translate Kansai dialect but even official translations don't seem to acknowledge it except as a side note, so I just went with an informal, shounen-y tone.
Sample:
Oi, Miss Director, I have some issues with your contract! Never mind the job title for now, let's get to that in a sec'. More importantly, what's this section about only letting me leave when you decide, eh? A guy like me needs a little freedom to be happy and healthy, y'know. My last boss was much more flexible about this sort of thing-- Oops ♪~! Haha, you're a great shot! wah, that was almost my face...
Hahmm~ I can see you're not interested in haggling, Sis', but hear me out! You've got a real interesting place going here. The walking corpses remind me of an unpleasant guy, but hey, I don't mind looking past that for the more exciting collection of people you found. With so many amazing fighters around, heh, I don't think you need to worry about me heading home so soon. Even the youngsters have all kinds of abilities I've never seen ♡. If a tournament were held here, I could definitely impress some girls with my power, fighting these guys! Dream come true, right? Mm, can't say I think I wouldn't love it here, Sis'!
But the thing is, see, there's that barrier... and this contract. Y'know, above everything else, I value being able to come and go as I please-- Oi oi, you can put the tranquilizers down ♡. I never said I wasn't gonna take the offer...as long as I can go when I think it's time, hm? Formalities and groveling aren't my forte, but for you I'd even give an advance notice if I decide this isn't the place for me! I'm not a discourteous person, especially to ladies~. Eventually having to turn loose a great catch like me must be a crushing thought though, I understand! So how 'bout you do me a favor and just consider it a bit for now ~♬. Yes? No...?
NGYAaaaAAH~!! --Trying to throw me into a vacuum over a little request is too harsh, isn't it?! Sis', I'm beginning to think you aren't my type! There's no need to go that far to sweep me off my feet. All it takes is a smile and maybe for you to act a little nice... Or ask me to demonstrate my gravity manipulation! I was pretty flattered that you think I can do an unbelievably huge job like that! It's a little surprising that gravity can fail though, isn't it? Haha, I'm pretty sure it's a law of nature! To think that I could do something as big as replacing the laws of physics... You must have a lot of confidence in my abilities, Sis'~ Yep! Controlling gravity's no small thing ♡. But. It could easily have me walking on air~ Or falling hard. For you ♪.
--Wah! Ack! Ngh!! --Sis', you don't like my jokes?!
Poll So?
Character: Johann Faust VIII
Series: Shaman King
Character Age: 35
Character Job: Surgeon
Canon: Shaman King is the story of Yoh Asakaura and his dream to live a trouble free life. However, to achieve his dream he has to fight other people who are all trying to achieve their own dreams in the Shaman Fight is a tournament in which shamans, those that connect the living world and the next fight each other to attain the title of Shaman King and the ability to have any wish they desire granted by the Great Spirit.
Faust VIII is one of many Shamans who initially stand in Yoh's way. A doctor originally, he became disillusioned with his profession after the murder of his beloved wife, Eliza. He tried everything known to medicine to bring her back but to no avail. In his desperation, he abandoned medicine he turned to the skills practiced by his ancestor, Faust I, necromancy. After much study, Faust learned how to reanimate the dead but yet, it wasn't enough to truly revive Eliza. When Anna returned Eliza's soul to Earth, Faust swore loyalty to both Anna and Yoh. Faust is generally a friendly person despite being incredibly creepy and macabre, seeing nothing wrong in robbing graves in order to find a replacement bone for one that had been broken. Originally amoral and uncaring except for his own goals, he has since become a more caring individual, showing concern for his friends and disdain for those who use other people as tools.
(Note: Faust will frequently talk out loud to Eliza due to the fact he carries her skeleton everywhere with him.)
Sample Post: Ah? This is an interesting place isn't it Eliza? It's a bit dreary and foreboding but I think that adds to its unique charm. It was quite strange of Ms. Sayre to request my services as a surgeon so suddenly; I do have other issues that take precedence after all. Why a camp would need a surgeon is beyond me but I did make an Oath to prescribe the best treatment I can no matter the cost. Haha oh well; now that that's decided I should find where I'll be working shouldn't I?
Ah! Hello there sir! I see that you're a gorilla and might I say that that is a very lovely shade of purple your fur is. And that top hat and tuxedo is a very nice choice. Can you point in the direction of the clinic? I'm supposed to report there on arrival. Ah, no please thank you but no. I can get there on my own. Thank you for the directions though!
Eh? It seems I'm a little lost, I wonder if I shouldn't have made that turn back there. Especially since it led me into such a scary situation; who would have thought that there would be zombies here? Ah, hello! It is a pleasure to meet you, who would've thought that… Ah…it seems your arm has fallen off. No, it doesn't go there. Please allow me miss, I specialize in anatomy. There you are; good as…well…better than it was when it was on the ground. Well, now that that's taken care of. I will be leaving now…
Hm? Oh I see! You have friends who require assistance as well. Well, let's see. You need a new leg and you need a new arm? Do you have the originals or do you need replacements? … There we go, all finished. Remember to change the bandages every day or so and definitely don't pick at the sutures. Oh! It's my patient from earlier! Yes miss, can I help you? You what? M-my, I'm flattered that you think that much of me but I must reject your affections. I'm married you see, quite happily too. No of course not, it's not because your dead, for goodness sake, my wife is too. So I think you should try and find a nice undead boy for yourself. Besides I don't think my wife would like it very much if I talked to other ghouls.
Poll So?
Character: Mrs. Jane Smith
Series: Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Age: ~32ish
Job: Post-Marriage Counselor
Canon: Some people have rough marriages, some people have bad break ups and messy divorces. John and Jane Smith like to think of themselves as a pretty typical couple. They have their ups, their downs, their nice house, their two televisions and a two car garage. And like all couples they have their difficulties. Unlike most couples, however, their difficulties come from the fact that they're both highly trained assassins living double lives, and when they have a 'messy breakup' it involves sharp pointy objects and shotguns.
You might call Jane Smith a femme fatale, a highly efficient one. In the interrogation setting the Bad Cop role is suited for her, as she's not afraid to nail you in the face with a telephone for withholding information. Smooth and polished Jane balances her suburban housewife role easily, all smiles and congeniality. Her game face, however, is mostly business with a definite follow the plan, then shoot, then collect. This also applies to marriage of course, Jane is not the wife you want to give personal information about your exes to, as your exes may just end up dead. She and dear John Smith resolve their differences over bullets and bombs and as a result Jane doesn't just balance marriage and assassination, she fully embraces them. In sickness and in health, as well as high speed car chases down the highway. 'Til death do we part, honey.
Sample Post:
Gather 'round girls, this is a conversation better off without the boys. They can go play with their toys somewhere else. It's just girl talk time now. This might be a little early for some of you, and maybe you think it's premature. But believe me, honey, it's far from that. What we know, as women who have husbands, or boyfriends or significant others, is that boys are stupid. We, as women, sometimes have to be honest and blunt. Don't worry about hurting their feelings, they'll get over it. It'll be okay, trust me, most of the time they know they're stupid.
I'm not usually the type to advocate drastic action, but depending on your situation your hands may get a little dirty. And let me stress this again, it's okay. Things happen. Sometimes your husband comes home and you're cooking dinner and he does something . . . mm, inappropriate, and the knife goes flying. If he was truly made for you he probably would have dodged. I know mine did and that's why our marriage has lasted so long, good reflexes and excellent instincts in bed.
So, say that you did accidentally let go of the meat cleaver. Remember to breathe, because staying calm when under stress is an important part of all relationships. He'll appreciate your sense of balance as well, because when someone starts screaming things get messy. As a good wife, or girlfriend, keeping things tidy is a must! I suggest waiting until his body stops splurting blood before moving him, if he's jostled too much the carpet will get stained and blood is far harder to clean up than wine. If he has mistakenly laid down on your carpet to die, of course this would never happen on purpose, you'll have to get rid of the carpet. Doing so here seems like far less of a challenge than, say, back where I'm from. You girls are lucky, to be able to roll the carpet into the lake or leave it for the gorillas. But do remember not to get too close to either when disposing evidence. You wouldn't want to become part of the crime scene!
Now for your dearly departed. I'm sure he's probably an attractive gentleman, you girls look like you'd only marry the best. Again, you're in luck. This place is literally littered with corpses, so what's another decomposing body? Just stash him somewhere warm and out of the way and in a few days he'll fit right in. Out of sight, out of mind, isn't that how the saying goes? He'll plump right up with some help from our earthworm friends.
I hope you girls have found this informative. But enough with the heavy talk! I've got cake and coffee, who wants some?
Poll So?
Character: Byakuran (Gesso)
Series: Katekyo Hitman Reborn!
Character Age: ~25.
Job: Trauma Counselor
Canon: [ SPOILERS ] Byakuran first appears in the future arc of Katekyo Hitman Reborn!. Alongside the girl!child Ipheion Uniflorum (Uni-chan), he leads the Millefiore Famiglia, which is a merge of two mafia famiglias called the Gesso and the Giglio Nero. Currently, due to this merge, he is considered to be on the brink of something we like to call world domination. Also, it's said that Byakuran is the one who orders the 'killing sweep' which is the absolute annihilation of the Vongola family, as well as anyone affiliated with them (no matter how minor the affiliation is). However, even with the ruthless reputation Byakuran's acquired, he's as informal as possible, while still maintaining an air of eye-scarring conventionality.This can be seen in his particular habit of giving pet nicknames to his subordinates. He also insists on being called 'just Byakuran' without the additional -sama and likes to send Shou-chan people messages via flowers.
Between eating marshmallows and making plans to obtain phenomenal cosmic power, he likes to make random surprise calls to one Shouichi Irie. It's almost as if everything is one giant joke to him, but the congenial act is a half-truth because underneath that winsome smile he's as calculating as they come and is patient enough to allow situations to bloom accordingly (in regards to entertainment value). And with just four easy payments of $29.95 he'll come complete with ridiculously spiky white hair that may or may not be used as a weapon against any or all that oppose his therapeutic help.
Sample Post:
Ah, it appears I'm early. Well, I suppose it's fine to do it this way. Hello, I'll be your new trauma counselor. I find that the informal approach helps to form closer relationships and I'd like very much to be close to any and all of my patients. So, please, refer to me as Bya-kun. No, really, Bya-kun is fine~♪
Oh? It appears my first patient is here. It's a pleasu-- ah, I'll have to ask that you refrain from attempting to gnaw my arm off; the uniform is dry-clean only. I'm sure you understand, yes? Uni-chan would be upset, too, to learn that I allowed a stranger to be so forward with me, but I do commend you on your hands on approach. However, I'll have to insist that you take a seat; I can't derive any amusement from this situation if you don't cooperate. Yes, that's better; I see you're finally beginning to understand just how much I want to help. Now, shall we begin ♥? I suppose your jaw falling off is as close to a 'yes' as I can get. Though, I must say it does nothing for your complexion. Now, now, don't make that face. Here, have a marshmallow; they're good for you. Now, while you chew on that, I'll start off with a series of questions. The first being: Your name?
Now when you say 'Augsadsfd brains,' do you mean to say that brains is your first or last name? Ah, neither? Then, instead, I'll call you Begonia-kun. After the flower, of course. Now Begonia-kun, what sort of trauma are you here for? . . . Could you say that again? I believe I wasn't paying attention. I apologize, I have a habit of doing that at times. My subordinate, Shou-chan, finds it rather frustrating to deal with, but I assure you it's one of the major points of my charm. I can also be quite dashing when the situation calls for it, but enough about me; this session is for yo- yes, I'm well aware that my hair breaks quite a number of safety laws, but please stop attempting to impale yourself on it. Really, if you continue to do this I'm afraid I'll have to label you as suicidal and we wouldn't want that, now would we?
Oh? It seems we do. Which is actually quite bothersome. After all, I came here to be entertained. To help, of course, by providing understanding as well as a shoulder to cry on, but it's impossible with a patient as stubborn as you. Hm, I suppose I should dismiss you on the account of your unwillingness to work well with others, but I doubt there's any harm in keeping you as a subordinate? Provided that you prove yourself worthy, of course. Perhaps by bringing me a bouquet of . . . flowers? Bear in mind that I prefer them nubile and young.
If you're in favor of this decision, please rot at your own pace.
I see. I'm glad you agree. Let's get along now, shall we~♪?
Poll So?
Name: Howl Pendragon (real name: Howell Jenkins, aka: Sorcerer Jenkins, Wizard Pendragon, among others…)
Series: Howl’s Moving Castle
Age: 27
Job: Merchant of Magical Trinkets, Spells and Curse-Removal / Professional Liar
Canon: Somewhere in a world quite like our own, in a country known as Wales, there is a door which leads to a country not quite like our own at all. The country is the land known as Ingary, where a woman could accidentally find herself enchanting hats by talking to them or where you may be able to find a fire demon living in the fireplace of a great moving castle. In such a land there are many great and powerful wizards and witches that do wonderful and awful things. Of all the wizards and witches in the land, there is one whom is regarded as the indisputable best - and his name is Howl Pendragon.
To know Howl, you must first know the worst of him. Howl is one of those irresponsible gents that seems completely inconsiderate, preferring to show off and chase skirts rather than do anything helpful. Howl is commonly known to be a master “slither outer,” as he will go to great lengths, from lying to even blackening his own name, to shirk away from any kind of responsibility, relationship, or anything else that may tie him down. He is also incredibly vain, spending hours each day in hot baths and wearing fanciful mestrosexual clothing at the expense of feeding his apprentice.
Despite these flaws, however, Howl is quite charming, though he uses his charm to allure any beautiful woman he meets… with the intent of leaving her as soon as she starts falling in love with him. Yet, somewhere deep within him there is a kind heart of a man who does do the right thing for the people who need it… just don’t count on it.
Note: Despite what he’s saying, the entire sample is Howl.
Sample:
Hello to the many campers here at Camp… well, Camp Fuck You Die! Please, allow me to introduce myself: my name is Howl Pendragon, and I am the assistant to the Sorcerer Jenkins, proprietor and purveyor of magical trinkets, spells and hex removal.
Rest assured, Sorcerer Jenkins is the foremost wizard in the country of Ingary and is quite capable of tending to the needs that you campers find as daily hassles. Unfortunately, Sorcerer Jenkins cannot be here today. Thus, I am here in his stead to inform you of the many services-and exceptions-that our shop will provide. Sorcerer Jenkins prepared a scroll for this, which I will now read to you:
“Salutations. My name is Sorcerer Jenkins, and this is my assistant Howl Penndragon. We wish to thank you for the opportunity to work in this camp. Now there may have been rumors of the reasons for my arrival, but let me put them to rest early so as to set the record straight. The decision to attend this camp is solely my decision, and has nothing to do with the consequences of persisting in unwanted advances toward the Director. To further authenticate the authenticity of my words, I have inscrolled this parchment with a truth spell -from this line forward, no word uttered by Howl Penndragon can possibly be a lie." I suppose I cannot be trusted, then?
“As for the services that I will provide to the camp, you will find that I am an excellent wizard. The spells, magical items, and hex removals are second to none in my own country” with the possible exception to djinns and other celestial beings. “It is my appointed job to provide you with these services, at nominal prices of course. I feel reason to warn that as this is a different world from the land of Ingary, and there may be complications that may result from mingling of different magics. I believe this shouldn’t be a concern most of the time, yet we can never be too careful with these things, especially when it comes to my own safety.
“In addition to this caution, there are my own preferences which may interfere with various camp effects. I will mention these in brief. First, in regards to the gender-switch virus: I refuse to change any male into a female, regardless of the reason. This would be a slight against a much more appealing form. This preference is further enforced by the no sex rule, which completely negates any “complications” which may result from such a change. I am more then happy to return girls that have turned into boys to their original state, provided a payment of one date follows immediately afterward.” Always the charmer.
“Second, in regards to the monster in the lake and the zombies: I understand that there have been some problems in the past with the monster, Marcy. I am pleased to inform you all that we have come to terms with each other and have formed a truce where we will not interfere with each other’s business or attempts to get into somebody’s pants. As for the zombies, I refuse to have any dealings with the malformed zombies. They smell terrible and their decaying bodies leave a smell that lingers in my linens.” They are even uglier up close, too!
“Finally, I have heard some complaints about the mistletoe: I will not make any changes to what is, in my mind, the most wonderful plant I have ever stumbled across in all my travels.
“For any other problems other then the aforementioned exceptions, I will be delighted to help you provided you come during my ordinary working hours: 11:45 P.M - Midnight, Mondays through Thursdays, provided I am not meeting with a gorgeous beauty at the time. If you are truly in dire, dire straits, kindly direct your attention to Howl Jenkins. Howl is just as powerful a wizard as me, when he puts his heart toward the task… I thank you for your cooperation and heartily grieve over the few people that will come to my shop during stated hours.”
I must state for myself that Sorcerer Jenkin’s will must be followed if I am to be true to myself. I thank you for listening and hope for your understanding… what’s with all the nasty looks? Of course I am being truthful. Could I possibly lie to you?
Poll So?
Character: Nanny (Gytha) Ogg
Series: Discworld
Character Age: 70s? 80s? Thereabouts, anyway
Job: Chaperone
Canon: A flat world that flies across space on the backs of four elephants, on the back of a giant space turtle swimming through space is clearly the perfect setting for a world filled with witches, wizards, ape librarians, and sentient luggage that eats people, right? Right. In the teeny tiny mountainous country of Lancre, the world’s best witches can be found. Not the ones who throw magic around right and left, or the ones who get lost in their own importance, but the ones who are quietly competent, use magic rarely and well, and completely capable of flaying your souls with a single stare. Mostly metaphorically.
Nanny Ogg doesn’t come off as the intimidating type. She’s loud, jolly, and the type of person to whom a statement with double-meaning has only one meaning, and it’s the dirty one. Of the little trio of Lancre witches, she’s the Mother (and grandmother), except once when Granny Weatherwax was otherwise occupied. She comes off as a bit of a fool, especially with her… interesting… grasp of foreign languages, and her highly dubious approach to truth, morals, and sex but you don’t survive 60 years as a witch and become the world's best midwife without being formidable in her own right.
She is also a famous author in her own right. Or would be if her “Joye of Snacks” book hadn’t been banned for… let’s just say that love apples in her book weren’t a metaphor. Nor were the carrots just a symbol. And just don’t ask about her special sauce if you value not spontaneously running laps around the city.
Sample Post:
Wotcha, your Directorship.
Looks like this place could use a bit of the old spit’n’polish, eh? Sure, some reckon a few zombies lend a certain jenny says quoi, and I guess if you need a bit more respect than you’re gettin’ they ain’t bad. And sure, the zombies are a decent enough cleanin’ staff if you don’t mind findin’ the occasional leg in your closet (that don’t belong to a surprised lover, I could tell you stories about that). But there’s just some things you need a strappin’ young man for. They’re really pretty handy, you know - carryin’ logs, plumbin’ holes, an’ liftin’ beds. A good man’ll keep you warm at night.
Sure, I understand some gels your age haven’t quite gotten past the whole “I’m so shy, how’ll I ever get a man?” Why, I was a shy girl once myself, after all. Took me half the day to figure out what I was doin’ wrong. And with all these zombies around, you probably don't get much of an opportunity to practice!
It’s all a matter of knowin’ how to get their attention. I can lend you a bit of a cookbook if you need a bit of help with that. They say the way to a man’s heart is through their stomach, after all! They’re wrong, a’course, but this book’ll help you out with two of the three ways there anyway.
What’s the third? Take a knife and thrust up between the second and third ribs and there you are. I don’t recommend it though. Sure, with your skills with zombies, you could keep him around for quite a while, but bits droppin’ off durin’ bed would be bound to put a bit of a downer on things.
Of course, once you’ve started thinkin’ about about keepin’ a young man about the place, you’d better start thinkin’ about kids too. I know I hadn’t thought of when I tripped up Jason’s father, but they’re pretty easy to raise, really. You seem to be doin’ pretty good on the mindless terror bit! I know when I was raisin' my kids, I tried to keep a few bogeys around (not boogies, I've found most kids are pretty good at supplyin' their own), but mostly of the inky cauldron that contained demons type. I never even thought of givin' them a whole camp full of zombies an' chaos.
Still, I bet the little buggers would be thrilled. They were happy enough with that one unfortunate incident where they came across an old troll kickball! But of course, with everythin' peaceful up in Lancre nowadays, there aren't a whole lot of new kickballs bein' made, unless a couple someones ain't heard about shakin' hands meanin' something a bit different to trolls than humans.
But all that unpleasantness's in the past now, so unless you have a bit of midwifin' needin' to be done, I'll appreciate bein' sent home now.
...Well then, I guess I've never seen a pregnant tentacle monster before! Still, can't say that a deliverin' a cow's that much different than deliverin' a woman than deliverin' a anthropopical figure, when it comes down to it, so course I'll help.
Poll So?
Remember!
- Applicants, respond anonymously.
- If you're going to do the whole "ask me if I voted you out!" thing, please state who you voted out.
- No speculating about the identity of the applicants!
Now VOTE. CLOSED.
Character: Joker
Series: Flame of Recca (manga)
Age: about 25-26
Job: Backup Gravity (in case of failure of the Laws of Physics)
Canon: Flame of Recca is about a boy who wants to be a ninja. And then it turns out he is a ninja, so he chooses to protect this girl with the ability to heal people. The series is also about these special ninja weapons called Madogu that give their wielders various powers from flight to telepathy to control of plants. The cast uses these weapons in epic tournaments and battles to determine who is the best, who gets the girl, and something about collecting Madogu and attaining immortality. In true shounen-retard style, many of the opponents Recca and company defeat become Redeemed through the power of an old fashioned Good Guy Beatdown. You know, where the protagonists yell "For what reason do you fight??!" while fireballing the other person in the face...or in some cases taking one in the face.
In the midst of all this shounen-retardery we have Joker! He is the token mysterious and helpful stranger who shows up in the first tournament arc to dork around and act like a happy-go-lucky fool and then provide surprisingly insightful clues for beating the enemy. His carefree, flippant, and often downright goofy personality tends to belie his sharp eye not only for a weapon's weakness but also for the truth of a person's character. Of course, his attitude also disguises his strength as a fighter. In battle, when Joker isn't flailing around cheerfully pretending his dodges are accidental he is using his weapon, the Taishaku Kaiten, to manipulate gravity to his advantage. As with many Mysterious Helpful Strangers, he is a wily one and mostly hangs around to further his own agenda, which in this case is to have fun and to fight someone interesting! The manga describes Joker as "free like the flowing clouds." He certainly isn't the type that likes to be tied down. However it's possible to earn his loyalty if you fascinate him enough.
Note: he uses the notoriously inconsistent to translate Kansai dialect but even official translations don't seem to acknowledge it except as a side note, so I just went with an informal, shounen-y tone.
Sample:
Oi, Miss Director, I have some issues with your contract! Never mind the job title for now, let's get to that in a sec'. More importantly, what's this section about only letting me leave when you decide, eh? A guy like me needs a little freedom to be happy and healthy, y'know. My last boss was much more flexible about this sort of thing-- Oops ♪~! Haha, you're a great shot! wah, that was almost my face...
Hahmm~ I can see you're not interested in haggling, Sis', but hear me out! You've got a real interesting place going here. The walking corpses remind me of an unpleasant guy, but hey, I don't mind looking past that for the more exciting collection of people you found. With so many amazing fighters around, heh, I don't think you need to worry about me heading home so soon. Even the youngsters have all kinds of abilities I've never seen ♡. If a tournament were held here, I could definitely impress some girls with my power, fighting these guys! Dream come true, right? Mm, can't say I think I wouldn't love it here, Sis'!
But the thing is, see, there's that barrier... and this contract. Y'know, above everything else, I value being able to come and go as I please-- Oi oi, you can put the tranquilizers down ♡. I never said I wasn't gonna take the offer...as long as I can go when I think it's time, hm? Formalities and groveling aren't my forte, but for you I'd even give an advance notice if I decide this isn't the place for me! I'm not a discourteous person, especially to ladies~. Eventually having to turn loose a great catch like me must be a crushing thought though, I understand! So how 'bout you do me a favor and just consider it a bit for now ~♬. Yes? No...?
NGYAaaaAAH~!! --Trying to throw me into a vacuum over a little request is too harsh, isn't it?! Sis', I'm beginning to think you aren't my type! There's no need to go that far to sweep me off my feet. All it takes is a smile and maybe for you to act a little nice... Or ask me to demonstrate my gravity manipulation! I was pretty flattered that you think I can do an unbelievably huge job like that! It's a little surprising that gravity can fail though, isn't it? Haha, I'm pretty sure it's a law of nature! To think that I could do something as big as replacing the laws of physics... You must have a lot of confidence in my abilities, Sis'~ Yep! Controlling gravity's no small thing ♡. But. It could easily have me walking on air~ Or falling hard. For you ♪.
--Wah! Ack! Ngh!! --Sis', you don't like my jokes?!
Poll So?
Character: Johann Faust VIII
Series: Shaman King
Character Age: 35
Character Job: Surgeon
Canon: Shaman King is the story of Yoh Asakaura and his dream to live a trouble free life. However, to achieve his dream he has to fight other people who are all trying to achieve their own dreams in the Shaman Fight is a tournament in which shamans, those that connect the living world and the next fight each other to attain the title of Shaman King and the ability to have any wish they desire granted by the Great Spirit.
Faust VIII is one of many Shamans who initially stand in Yoh's way. A doctor originally, he became disillusioned with his profession after the murder of his beloved wife, Eliza. He tried everything known to medicine to bring her back but to no avail. In his desperation, he abandoned medicine he turned to the skills practiced by his ancestor, Faust I, necromancy. After much study, Faust learned how to reanimate the dead but yet, it wasn't enough to truly revive Eliza. When Anna returned Eliza's soul to Earth, Faust swore loyalty to both Anna and Yoh. Faust is generally a friendly person despite being incredibly creepy and macabre, seeing nothing wrong in robbing graves in order to find a replacement bone for one that had been broken. Originally amoral and uncaring except for his own goals, he has since become a more caring individual, showing concern for his friends and disdain for those who use other people as tools.
(Note: Faust will frequently talk out loud to Eliza due to the fact he carries her skeleton everywhere with him.)
Sample Post: Ah? This is an interesting place isn't it Eliza? It's a bit dreary and foreboding but I think that adds to its unique charm. It was quite strange of Ms. Sayre to request my services as a surgeon so suddenly; I do have other issues that take precedence after all. Why a camp would need a surgeon is beyond me but I did make an Oath to prescribe the best treatment I can no matter the cost. Haha oh well; now that that's decided I should find where I'll be working shouldn't I?
Ah! Hello there sir! I see that you're a gorilla and might I say that that is a very lovely shade of purple your fur is. And that top hat and tuxedo is a very nice choice. Can you point in the direction of the clinic? I'm supposed to report there on arrival. Ah, no please thank you but no. I can get there on my own. Thank you for the directions though!
Eh? It seems I'm a little lost, I wonder if I shouldn't have made that turn back there. Especially since it led me into such a scary situation; who would have thought that there would be zombies here? Ah, hello! It is a pleasure to meet you, who would've thought that… Ah…it seems your arm has fallen off. No, it doesn't go there. Please allow me miss, I specialize in anatomy. There you are; good as…well…better than it was when it was on the ground. Well, now that that's taken care of. I will be leaving now…
Hm? Oh I see! You have friends who require assistance as well. Well, let's see. You need a new leg and you need a new arm? Do you have the originals or do you need replacements? … There we go, all finished. Remember to change the bandages every day or so and definitely don't pick at the sutures. Oh! It's my patient from earlier! Yes miss, can I help you? You what? M-my, I'm flattered that you think that much of me but I must reject your affections. I'm married you see, quite happily too. No of course not, it's not because your dead, for goodness sake, my wife is too. So I think you should try and find a nice undead boy for yourself. Besides I don't think my wife would like it very much if I talked to other ghouls.
Poll So?
Character: Mrs. Jane Smith
Series: Mr. and Mrs. Smith
Age: ~32ish
Job: Post-Marriage Counselor
Canon: Some people have rough marriages, some people have bad break ups and messy divorces. John and Jane Smith like to think of themselves as a pretty typical couple. They have their ups, their downs, their nice house, their two televisions and a two car garage. And like all couples they have their difficulties. Unlike most couples, however, their difficulties come from the fact that they're both highly trained assassins living double lives, and when they have a 'messy breakup' it involves sharp pointy objects and shotguns.
You might call Jane Smith a femme fatale, a highly efficient one. In the interrogation setting the Bad Cop role is suited for her, as she's not afraid to nail you in the face with a telephone for withholding information. Smooth and polished Jane balances her suburban housewife role easily, all smiles and congeniality. Her game face, however, is mostly business with a definite follow the plan, then shoot, then collect. This also applies to marriage of course, Jane is not the wife you want to give personal information about your exes to, as your exes may just end up dead. She and dear John Smith resolve their differences over bullets and bombs and as a result Jane doesn't just balance marriage and assassination, she fully embraces them. In sickness and in health, as well as high speed car chases down the highway. 'Til death do we part, honey.
Sample Post:
Gather 'round girls, this is a conversation better off without the boys. They can go play with their toys somewhere else. It's just girl talk time now. This might be a little early for some of you, and maybe you think it's premature. But believe me, honey, it's far from that. What we know, as women who have husbands, or boyfriends or significant others, is that boys are stupid. We, as women, sometimes have to be honest and blunt. Don't worry about hurting their feelings, they'll get over it. It'll be okay, trust me, most of the time they know they're stupid.
I'm not usually the type to advocate drastic action, but depending on your situation your hands may get a little dirty. And let me stress this again, it's okay. Things happen. Sometimes your husband comes home and you're cooking dinner and he does something . . . mm, inappropriate, and the knife goes flying. If he was truly made for you he probably would have dodged. I know mine did and that's why our marriage has lasted so long, good reflexes and excellent instincts in bed.
So, say that you did accidentally let go of the meat cleaver. Remember to breathe, because staying calm when under stress is an important part of all relationships. He'll appreciate your sense of balance as well, because when someone starts screaming things get messy. As a good wife, or girlfriend, keeping things tidy is a must! I suggest waiting until his body stops splurting blood before moving him, if he's jostled too much the carpet will get stained and blood is far harder to clean up than wine. If he has mistakenly laid down on your carpet to die, of course this would never happen on purpose, you'll have to get rid of the carpet. Doing so here seems like far less of a challenge than, say, back where I'm from. You girls are lucky, to be able to roll the carpet into the lake or leave it for the gorillas. But do remember not to get too close to either when disposing evidence. You wouldn't want to become part of the crime scene!
Now for your dearly departed. I'm sure he's probably an attractive gentleman, you girls look like you'd only marry the best. Again, you're in luck. This place is literally littered with corpses, so what's another decomposing body? Just stash him somewhere warm and out of the way and in a few days he'll fit right in. Out of sight, out of mind, isn't that how the saying goes? He'll plump right up with some help from our earthworm friends.
I hope you girls have found this informative. But enough with the heavy talk! I've got cake and coffee, who wants some?
Poll So?
Character: Byakuran (Gesso)
Series: Katekyo Hitman Reborn!
Character Age: ~25.
Job: Trauma Counselor
Canon: [ SPOILERS ] Byakuran first appears in the future arc of Katekyo Hitman Reborn!. Alongside the girl!child Ipheion Uniflorum (Uni-chan), he leads the Millefiore Famiglia, which is a merge of two mafia famiglias called the Gesso and the Giglio Nero. Currently, due to this merge, he is considered to be on the brink of something we like to call world domination. Also, it's said that Byakuran is the one who orders the 'killing sweep' which is the absolute annihilation of the Vongola family, as well as anyone affiliated with them (no matter how minor the affiliation is). However, even with the ruthless reputation Byakuran's acquired, he's as informal as possible, while still maintaining an air of eye-scarring conventionality.This can be seen in his particular habit of giving pet nicknames to his subordinates. He also insists on being called 'just Byakuran' without the additional -sama and likes to send Shou-chan people messages via flowers.
Between eating marshmallows and making plans to obtain phenomenal cosmic power, he likes to make random surprise calls to one Shouichi Irie. It's almost as if everything is one giant joke to him, but the congenial act is a half-truth because underneath that winsome smile he's as calculating as they come and is patient enough to allow situations to bloom accordingly (in regards to entertainment value). And with just four easy payments of $29.95 he'll come complete with ridiculously spiky white hair that may or may not be used as a weapon against any or all that oppose his therapeutic help.
Sample Post:
Ah, it appears I'm early. Well, I suppose it's fine to do it this way. Hello, I'll be your new trauma counselor. I find that the informal approach helps to form closer relationships and I'd like very much to be close to any and all of my patients. So, please, refer to me as Bya-kun. No, really, Bya-kun is fine~♪
Oh? It appears my first patient is here. It's a pleasu-- ah, I'll have to ask that you refrain from attempting to gnaw my arm off; the uniform is dry-clean only. I'm sure you understand, yes? Uni-chan would be upset, too, to learn that I allowed a stranger to be so forward with me, but I do commend you on your hands on approach. However, I'll have to insist that you take a seat; I can't derive any amusement from this situation if you don't cooperate. Yes, that's better; I see you're finally beginning to understand just how much I want to help. Now, shall we begin ♥? I suppose your jaw falling off is as close to a 'yes' as I can get. Though, I must say it does nothing for your complexion. Now, now, don't make that face. Here, have a marshmallow; they're good for you. Now, while you chew on that, I'll start off with a series of questions. The first being: Your name?
Now when you say 'Augsadsfd brains,' do you mean to say that brains is your first or last name? Ah, neither? Then, instead, I'll call you Begonia-kun. After the flower, of course. Now Begonia-kun, what sort of trauma are you here for? . . . Could you say that again? I believe I wasn't paying attention. I apologize, I have a habit of doing that at times. My subordinate, Shou-chan, finds it rather frustrating to deal with, but I assure you it's one of the major points of my charm. I can also be quite dashing when the situation calls for it, but enough about me; this session is for yo- yes, I'm well aware that my hair breaks quite a number of safety laws, but please stop attempting to impale yourself on it. Really, if you continue to do this I'm afraid I'll have to label you as suicidal and we wouldn't want that, now would we?
Oh? It seems we do. Which is actually quite bothersome. After all, I came here to be entertained. To help, of course, by providing understanding as well as a shoulder to cry on, but it's impossible with a patient as stubborn as you. Hm, I suppose I should dismiss you on the account of your unwillingness to work well with others, but I doubt there's any harm in keeping you as a subordinate? Provided that you prove yourself worthy, of course. Perhaps by bringing me a bouquet of . . . flowers? Bear in mind that I prefer them nubile and young.
If you're in favor of this decision, please rot at your own pace.
I see. I'm glad you agree. Let's get along now, shall we~♪?
Poll So?
Name: Howl Pendragon (real name: Howell Jenkins, aka: Sorcerer Jenkins, Wizard Pendragon, among others…)
Series: Howl’s Moving Castle
Age: 27
Job: Merchant of Magical Trinkets, Spells and Curse-Removal / Professional Liar
Canon: Somewhere in a world quite like our own, in a country known as Wales, there is a door which leads to a country not quite like our own at all. The country is the land known as Ingary, where a woman could accidentally find herself enchanting hats by talking to them or where you may be able to find a fire demon living in the fireplace of a great moving castle. In such a land there are many great and powerful wizards and witches that do wonderful and awful things. Of all the wizards and witches in the land, there is one whom is regarded as the indisputable best - and his name is Howl Pendragon.
To know Howl, you must first know the worst of him. Howl is one of those irresponsible gents that seems completely inconsiderate, preferring to show off and chase skirts rather than do anything helpful. Howl is commonly known to be a master “slither outer,” as he will go to great lengths, from lying to even blackening his own name, to shirk away from any kind of responsibility, relationship, or anything else that may tie him down. He is also incredibly vain, spending hours each day in hot baths and wearing fanciful mestrosexual clothing at the expense of feeding his apprentice.
Despite these flaws, however, Howl is quite charming, though he uses his charm to allure any beautiful woman he meets… with the intent of leaving her as soon as she starts falling in love with him. Yet, somewhere deep within him there is a kind heart of a man who does do the right thing for the people who need it… just don’t count on it.
Note: Despite what he’s saying, the entire sample is Howl.
Sample:
Hello to the many campers here at Camp… well, Camp Fuck You Die! Please, allow me to introduce myself: my name is Howl Pendragon, and I am the assistant to the Sorcerer Jenkins, proprietor and purveyor of magical trinkets, spells and hex removal.
Rest assured, Sorcerer Jenkins is the foremost wizard in the country of Ingary and is quite capable of tending to the needs that you campers find as daily hassles. Unfortunately, Sorcerer Jenkins cannot be here today. Thus, I am here in his stead to inform you of the many services-and exceptions-that our shop will provide. Sorcerer Jenkins prepared a scroll for this, which I will now read to you:
“Salutations. My name is Sorcerer Jenkins, and this is my assistant Howl Penndragon. We wish to thank you for the opportunity to work in this camp. Now there may have been rumors of the reasons for my arrival, but let me put them to rest early so as to set the record straight. The decision to attend this camp is solely my decision, and has nothing to do with the consequences of persisting in unwanted advances toward the Director. To further authenticate the authenticity of my words, I have inscrolled this parchment with a truth spell -from this line forward, no word uttered by Howl Penndragon can possibly be a lie." I suppose I cannot be trusted, then?
“As for the services that I will provide to the camp, you will find that I am an excellent wizard. The spells, magical items, and hex removals are second to none in my own country” with the possible exception to djinns and other celestial beings. “It is my appointed job to provide you with these services, at nominal prices of course. I feel reason to warn that as this is a different world from the land of Ingary, and there may be complications that may result from mingling of different magics. I believe this shouldn’t be a concern most of the time, yet we can never be too careful with these things, especially when it comes to my own safety.
“In addition to this caution, there are my own preferences which may interfere with various camp effects. I will mention these in brief. First, in regards to the gender-switch virus: I refuse to change any male into a female, regardless of the reason. This would be a slight against a much more appealing form. This preference is further enforced by the no sex rule, which completely negates any “complications” which may result from such a change. I am more then happy to return girls that have turned into boys to their original state, provided a payment of one date follows immediately afterward.” Always the charmer.
“Second, in regards to the monster in the lake and the zombies: I understand that there have been some problems in the past with the monster, Marcy. I am pleased to inform you all that we have come to terms with each other and have formed a truce where we will not interfere with each other’s business or attempts to get into somebody’s pants. As for the zombies, I refuse to have any dealings with the malformed zombies. They smell terrible and their decaying bodies leave a smell that lingers in my linens.” They are even uglier up close, too!
“Finally, I have heard some complaints about the mistletoe: I will not make any changes to what is, in my mind, the most wonderful plant I have ever stumbled across in all my travels.
“For any other problems other then the aforementioned exceptions, I will be delighted to help you provided you come during my ordinary working hours: 11:45 P.M - Midnight, Mondays through Thursdays, provided I am not meeting with a gorgeous beauty at the time. If you are truly in dire, dire straits, kindly direct your attention to Howl Jenkins. Howl is just as powerful a wizard as me, when he puts his heart toward the task… I thank you for your cooperation and heartily grieve over the few people that will come to my shop during stated hours.”
I must state for myself that Sorcerer Jenkin’s will must be followed if I am to be true to myself. I thank you for listening and hope for your understanding… what’s with all the nasty looks? Of course I am being truthful. Could I possibly lie to you?
Poll So?
Character: Nanny (Gytha) Ogg
Series: Discworld
Character Age: 70s? 80s? Thereabouts, anyway
Job: Chaperone
Canon: A flat world that flies across space on the backs of four elephants, on the back of a giant space turtle swimming through space is clearly the perfect setting for a world filled with witches, wizards, ape librarians, and sentient luggage that eats people, right? Right. In the teeny tiny mountainous country of Lancre, the world’s best witches can be found. Not the ones who throw magic around right and left, or the ones who get lost in their own importance, but the ones who are quietly competent, use magic rarely and well, and completely capable of flaying your souls with a single stare. Mostly metaphorically.
Nanny Ogg doesn’t come off as the intimidating type. She’s loud, jolly, and the type of person to whom a statement with double-meaning has only one meaning, and it’s the dirty one. Of the little trio of Lancre witches, she’s the Mother (and grandmother), except once when Granny Weatherwax was otherwise occupied. She comes off as a bit of a fool, especially with her… interesting… grasp of foreign languages, and her highly dubious approach to truth, morals, and sex but you don’t survive 60 years as a witch and become the world's best midwife without being formidable in her own right.
She is also a famous author in her own right. Or would be if her “Joye of Snacks” book hadn’t been banned for… let’s just say that love apples in her book weren’t a metaphor. Nor were the carrots just a symbol. And just don’t ask about her special sauce if you value not spontaneously running laps around the city.
Sample Post:
Wotcha, your Directorship.
Looks like this place could use a bit of the old spit’n’polish, eh? Sure, some reckon a few zombies lend a certain jenny says quoi, and I guess if you need a bit more respect than you’re gettin’ they ain’t bad. And sure, the zombies are a decent enough cleanin’ staff if you don’t mind findin’ the occasional leg in your closet (that don’t belong to a surprised lover, I could tell you stories about that). But there’s just some things you need a strappin’ young man for. They’re really pretty handy, you know - carryin’ logs, plumbin’ holes, an’ liftin’ beds. A good man’ll keep you warm at night.
Sure, I understand some gels your age haven’t quite gotten past the whole “I’m so shy, how’ll I ever get a man?” Why, I was a shy girl once myself, after all. Took me half the day to figure out what I was doin’ wrong. And with all these zombies around, you probably don't get much of an opportunity to practice!
It’s all a matter of knowin’ how to get their attention. I can lend you a bit of a cookbook if you need a bit of help with that. They say the way to a man’s heart is through their stomach, after all! They’re wrong, a’course, but this book’ll help you out with two of the three ways there anyway.
What’s the third? Take a knife and thrust up between the second and third ribs and there you are. I don’t recommend it though. Sure, with your skills with zombies, you could keep him around for quite a while, but bits droppin’ off durin’ bed would be bound to put a bit of a downer on things.
Of course, once you’ve started thinkin’ about about keepin’ a young man about the place, you’d better start thinkin’ about kids too. I know I hadn’t thought of when I tripped up Jason’s father, but they’re pretty easy to raise, really. You seem to be doin’ pretty good on the mindless terror bit! I know when I was raisin' my kids, I tried to keep a few bogeys around (not boogies, I've found most kids are pretty good at supplyin' their own), but mostly of the inky cauldron that contained demons type. I never even thought of givin' them a whole camp full of zombies an' chaos.
Still, I bet the little buggers would be thrilled. They were happy enough with that one unfortunate incident where they came across an old troll kickball! But of course, with everythin' peaceful up in Lancre nowadays, there aren't a whole lot of new kickballs bein' made, unless a couple someones ain't heard about shakin' hands meanin' something a bit different to trolls than humans.
But all that unpleasantness's in the past now, so unless you have a bit of midwifin' needin' to be done, I'll appreciate bein' sent home now.
...Well then, I guess I've never seen a pregnant tentacle monster before! Still, can't say that a deliverin' a cow's that much different than deliverin' a woman than deliverin' a anthropopical figure, when it comes down to it, so course I'll help.
Poll So?