Fanfic: Rudimentary Behavioral Psychology
Title: Rudimentary Behavioral Psychology
Author: Canadianiana
Spoilers: Assumes current knowledge, but I wrote this before I saw last night’s episode (3x13).
Ratings/warnings: PG-13, I think? I’m bad at ratings. There’s a teensy bit of swearing.
Summary: At dimensionallyt’s request: Britta suspects something about Jeff, and isn’t happy about it. Entirely Britta’s POV. Also inspired by a ficcy Friday prompt from sinecure. :)
Word count: 6700.
Disclaimer: I own nothing - just a fan.
Author’s note: You’ll notice some familiar themes here, it wasn’t intentional! But I know that tends to happen within this community. :D I wanted to write this as a preemptive thank you for the lovely dimensionallyt and the lovely beta-ing she’s doing on a monster fic for me. I hope to keep posting a few shorter fics while I work away on that one, so enjoy! (Wow, LJ had quite the fight with this one this morning... I think I won.)
- - - - -
“Britta!”
She groans; she knows that overly enthusiastic tone. She briefly considers whether she’d be able to duck into - okay, that’s Duncan’s office, definitely not there, but -
“Britta, hey!”
Suddenly Annie’s right in front of her, and Britta doesn’t quite stop in time. They crash into each other, causing them both to gracelessly stumble and try to regain themselves.
Unfortunately, it’s not enough to knock the smile off Annie’s face. “You didn’t hear me?” she asks cheerfully.
“No. I mean, yes, I didn’t,” Britta lies, smoothing out her jacket. “What’s up?”
Annie bounces on her toes - never a good sign. “What are you doing tomorrow?”
Oh god, IT’S A TRAP! “Uhhhh-” Quick, what could she be doing? There’s lot of things she could be doing, Britta is a busy person with things to do, and people to- “Nothing.” Dammit!
“Perfect! I could really use your help with something. Can I come pick you up at 1:00?”
Britta forces a smile. “I can’t think of a reason why not.”
“Great!” Annie says with another bounce, before quickly taking off down the hall.
Then it hits her. “Wait,” she calls. “Help with WHAT?!”
- - - - -
“Dammit!” Britta says with a heavy sigh, dropping her books onto the small table in front of her.
Jeff doesn’t look up from his phone. “If you’re waiting for me to ask you what’s wrong, you picked the wrong guy to sigh at.”
Britta glares at him. “I wasn’t sighing at you, I was sighing near you.”
“Well, go sigh somewhere else.”
“It’s a free cafeteria; I can sigh wherever I want.”
“Oh my god, fine,” he says, tossing his phone on the table. “Gee, Britta, it looks like something’s wrong. What is up?”
“I wasn’t-! Fine. Annie just got me to agree to help with something, and I don’t even know what.”
Jeff smirks.
“Shut up.”
“I didn’t say anything.”
“Your stupid face said something.”
“That’s typically where words come from, yes.”
“Oh, really? Because I though you pulled your speeches out of your ass.”
Jeff has to think for a second after that one, which Britta counts as a win.
“Hey guys!” Annie says, appearing out of nowhere again. Seriously, that girl is more cat-like than her cats.
“Hey,” Jeff greets her with a smile, automatically moving over in the small booth to make room.
Annie smiles back at him. “Oh, I can’t stay. I just wanted to ask you what you were doing tomorrow, Jeff.”
He looks a little startled. “Me? Oh, um… nothing.”
“Good! Can you help me with something?”
Britta expects him to try to put up a fight. Not that he’d last long with the way Annie is leaning forward, and touching his shoulder, and practically batting her eyes at him. Britta would accuse her of intentionally flirting with him, but she knows Annie is so earnestly asking for his help right now that it’s really freaking annoying, actually.
And with the way Jeff is looking at her, she’d accuse him of being a pervert and using the opportunity to “think about it” just to check her out, except he’s not even looking at her chest. What the hell is that about?
“Agh, fine,” he says, although he doesn’t really sound upset.
Annie beams, and the smile that elicits from him lasts even after Annie has disappeared across the cafeteria.
It’s only when he looks back at Britta, and sees her smirk, that his smile fades. “Shut up.”
- - - - -
The next day, Britta anxiously waits to be picked up. Annie somehow managed to completely avoid her phone calls and her texts last night, so she still has no idea what she’s agreed to exactly.
The second the clock hits 1:00pm, her phone buzzes with a text from Annie: Here!
Britta sighs resignedly and grabs her things before heading down. When she gets out of her building, though, it’s Jeff’s Lexus waiting, not Annie’s… whatever the hell Annie drives. When Britta climbs into the backseat, Annie turns around and greets her excitedly. Oh god, SERIOUSLY, what has she gotten herself into?
“Okay, so now can you tell me where we’re going?” Jeff asks.
“Yes, we’re going to the mall.”
He furrows his eyebrows. “The mall.”
“Yep!”
“Why are we going to the mall?”
Annie sits up straight, squaring her shoulders. “Because, Baby Ben’s first birthday is coming up, and once the party rolls around, I know the only thing I’m going to be able to count on you two for, at most, is making an appearance.”
Britta rolls her eyes toward Jeff, expecting him to be doing the same. But he actually looks kinda… sheepish.
“So,” Annie continues. “You guys are going to pick out Ben’s present from all of us. It’ll mean a lot to Shirley, and I won’t have to worry about dragging you kicking and screaming into party preparations later.”
Considering Britta was expecting the worst, it’s really not a bad deal. “And… you’re going to help us?”
Annie shakes her head with a smile. “Between the two of you and a salesperson, I’m sure you’re more than capable of finding something appropriate.”
“Then why not just send me and Jeff?”
“Because!” she says, crossing her arms. “I know you. You’d go in there and pick out the first thing you came across that had a picture of a boy on it, and the words ’12 to 24 months’.”
Well, there goes Britta’s plan.
“You guys are going to have a whole hour to look around for something, and then you’re going to meet me in the food court.”
Jeff smirks. “So, you’re coming to be our chaperone?”
“Yes.”
His smirk turns into a genuine smile, and they’re just… smiling at each other.
Britta clears her throat. “Uh, mall?”
“Right,” Jeff says, starting the car.
- - - - -
About twenty minutes later, Britta and Jeff are standing, paralyzed, in front of the toy store. It is absolutely filled with families. Did they really have to do this on a Saturday afternoon? There are so many… kids. Kids, with their screaming and their yelling and their running around, and their sticky hands and their complete disrespect for personal space.
“It’s like a zoo,” Jeff observes, the look on his face equal parts disgusted and terrified.
“It’s worse than a zoo, zoos have cages. Bah!” She flinches as twin toddlers dart past her, followed by another kid, followed by yet another kid, and then followed by their mother. She grabs Jeff’s arm. “Did you see that?” she whispers loudly. “Leashes, Jeff! They have them on LEASHES!”
“Okay. It’s okay, we can do this. I mean, we’re two fully functioning adults, right?”
“Yes. Yes, we are.”
“Exactly, so we’re not going to be intimidated by a toy store. We’re just going to go in, we’re going to pick something, and then we’re not going to have to do anything else except show up to the party.”
“Right. Okay. We got this.”
They each take a deep breath, and then enter the store. They wander over what seems to be the boys’ section, and… then they’re stuck again. Britta didn’t even know this many toys existed.
“Can I help you two find something?”
Britta turns to see a young, dark-haired saleswoman behind them. “Yeah, we’re looking for a first birthday present.”
“Okay, great! For your son?”
Britta and Jeff look at each other, and burst out laughing.
“Um, no,” Jeff chuckles. “My friend and I here are looking for something for the son of another friend of ours.”
Her demeanor suddenly changes, and she turns entirely to face Jeff. “Aw, that’s so sweet!” she says. “I’m sorry, you see a man and woman together in a store like this, you just kinda assume they’re married.”
“Yeah, definitely not married.”
“Oh! Well I’m Julie, I’d be happy to help you today.”
“Jeff.”
Britta rolls her eyes as the saleswoman smiles up at him, and actually twists her hair between her fingers. Seriously, could she be any more obvious? Oh god, she’s pretty, too. Now Britta’s going to be the third wheel to Jeff’s flirting. Ugh.
“Well, let’s see if we can’t find you something,” Julie says brightly to Jeff, turning around and sauntering down the aisle. Yeah, Britta might as well just not be here at all. But when she looks over at Jeff as they follow, he’s not staring at Julie’s ass, like she’d expect him to be. He’s not looking at her at all, in fact. He’s looking at the toys on the shelves. That’s… weird.
“We have lots of different options, depending on the type of toy you’re interested in and how much you’d like to spend,” Julie explains. “Do you know what kind of personality he has? What sorts of things he likes to play with?”
“He’s not even a year old, I think he’s too young have a personality,” Britta says.
“Yeah,” Jeff agrees. “He likes to eat, and sleep, and poop… and then probably eat again.”
Julie giggles and touches Jeff’s arm and UUUGGGGHHHH this is torture. “Well, boys that age tend to gravitate towards things like trucks. Ooh, actually, we have a construction play set that’s relatively new, and has been extremely popular,” she says to Jeff, leading him into the next aisle.
Britta has the strongest urge to just leave. It’s not like they’d notice.
Jeff pokes his head back around the corner. “You coming?”
Or… maybe they would. “Uh, yeah.”
Britta heads around the corner and looks at the box, determinedly ignoring the way Julie is smiling and leaning into Jeff. Yep, it’s certainly a toy. With lots of brightly-colored trucks, and bulldozers, and other trucky things. She decides to bite her tongue about reinforcing traditional gender stereotypes, because if they just get this, they can leave, and be done with this ridiculous mating display. “Looks good to me.”
Jeff shrugs. “Seems appropriate.”
“Trust me, your friend’s son will love it,” Julie assures him.
“Yeah all right, what the hell, it’s not like we’re going to get a better idea.” Jeff grabs the box and he and Julie walk together up to the cash register.
Britta follows a few feet behind them, and either it’s her imagination, or Jeff is totally not picking up on the blatant signals Julie is sending him. I mean, yeah, he’s talking to her, but he’s not flashing his aren’t-I-charming smile, or complimenting her, or asking her what she’s doing later.
When they get to the cash, Britta can barely contain her derisive laughter. Julie asks Jeff if he’d like to enter a contest the store is having, saying she just needs his name and number. God, why doesn’t she club herself over the head and drag herself to his cave? She couldn’t possibly be making this easier for him.
“Oh, no thanks,” he says.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait just one damn minute.
Did he just decline? Did he, Mr. I Deserve To Be With All Women, just TURN DOWN the chance to give an attractive girl his phone number?
Julie deflates a bit, but keeps smiling at him as she rings him through. And then they’re done, and Britta can only follow Jeff out of the store in a dumbfounded haze.
Back out in the mall, Jeff stops, and frowns.
A-ha! Britta knew he couldn’t be that clueless. “What’s wrong?” she asks, playing dumb.
“We still have forty-five minutes.”
Okay that’s… weird! Since when does Jeff not notice women flirting with him? “Uhh, so? We got something, let’s just wander around until we’re supposed to meet Annie.”
He shakes his head. “No, we did this wrong.”
Britta sighs. “How are we supposed to do it?”
“Well, more like… Annie would do it.”
“Jeff, Annie would probably spend months researching the types of toys that are the best at promoting brain development or something.”
“Not exactly like Annie would do it, just more like her. She’d at least make it personal.”
“We’ve been through this, we don’t exactly know Ben. Plus… he’s a baby.”
Jeff looks thoughtful for a second. “But we’re not doing this for Ben, right? We’re doing it for Shirley.”
“Yeah, I guess that’s true…”
“Okay, so what do we know about Shirley?”
Britta sighs again. This feels like work. “She’s religious. She likes to bake, and cook, and judge people. She likes to sing… she likes her kids… she feels like she doesn’t get to see them enough…”
Jeff’s eyes widen, and a smile slowly spreads across his face. “Holy crap, I’ve got it. Here, take this.” He shoves the oversized plastic bag at her.
“What? Why? Where are you going?”
“I want it to be a surprise, and you suck at secrets,” he says over his shoulder.
“HEY!” she yells after him. “I CAN BE DISCREET!!!”
- - - - -
Exactly forty-four minutes later, Britta sits down next to Annie in the food court.
She puts down her book and eyes Britta’s giant bag excitedly. “Ooh, what’d you get?”
Britta doesn’t see Jeff anywhere. “This construction set thing.”
“Aww,” Annie coos, peeking the bag. “It looks great. Wait, where’s Jeff?”
“Yeah… after we bought it, he decided it wasn’t good enough, so he went off to find something else.”
Annie’s eyebrows knit together. “Oh. Did he say what he was looking for?”
“No, apparently it’s a secret, and apparently he’s a douchebag, who’s going to keep it entirely to himself.”
Annie smiles sympathetically at her. “So, it wasn’t so bad, was it? Now you guys are off the hook until the party.”
“No, it wasn’t bad…” Britta agrees. She’s been debating with herself whether or not to bring up the whole Julie thing, but it was so out of character for Jeff that she can’t help it. “It was weird, though, when we were in the toy store, the salesperson helping us was a cute younger woman.”
“Yeah, that’s not weird.”
“That’s not the weird part, the weird part is that she practically threw herself at Jeff.”
Annie rolls her eyes. “That’s not really weird, either, Britta.”
“That’s not-! Would you let me finish?”
“Sorry.”
“The WEIRD part is that Jeff didn’t pick up on it.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that this girl couldn’t have been more obvious, and Jeff completely ignored what she was doing.”
“Well… maybe she just wasn’t his type…” she says tentatively.
“Annie, since when have attractive, available, willing women not been his type?”
She frowns. “I don’t know.”
“See? Weird, right?”
Annie nods slowly, clearly thinking it over. “So, why do you think he acted like that?”
Britta’s been asking herself that question since they left the toy store, but she has no idea. Before she can even start to answer Annie, though, Jeff appears, empty-handed, looking pleased with himself.
“Okay,” he says. “We ready?”
Britta shoves the construction set back into his hands. “You took forty-five minutes to get nothing?”
“Yes, Britta, this was all an elaborate scheme to avoid spending three quarters of an hour with you at the mall.”
“I wouldn’t be surprised,” she says, glaring at him.
He smirks. “I put it in the trunk, genius. You know the whole surprise thing? Works better when people don’t see the thing you want to keep a secret.”
“Yes, I do,” Britta replies snarkily, standing up from the table. “You know that whole ladies’ man thing? Works better when you actually notice the women who are hitting on you.”
Jeff opens his mouth, then closes it, then narrows his eyes. “What the hell are you talking about?”
She’s not sure why she’s bringing this up, other than that it FREAKING BUGS HER. “The toy store, Jeff! Our saleswoman was falling all over herself trying to flirt with you.”
His eyebrows knit together. “Was she?”
Wow. Just… wow. Jeff really, actually, truly didn’t notice. Unable to articulate herself, Britta can only nod.
“Huh. Was she good looking?”
He didn’t even…! Again, she can only nod.
“Oh well,” he says with a shrug.
Okay, this has reached Inspector Spacetime levels of weirdness. Maybe Jeff’s not Jeff at all, and he’s been replaced by a… a Bloggorn. A Bloghorn? That doesn’t sound right… Whatever, this whole thing is really weird, is her point.
Jeff turns to Annie. “You need anything else here before we go?”
Annie smiles and shakes her head while she gathers her things to leave. As they’re walking out of the mall, she manages to catch Britta’s eye, giving her an I-don’t-know look.
Britta doesn’t know either.
But she’s sure as hell going to figure it out.
- - - - -
Over the next few weeks leading up to Baby Ben’s birthday, Britta gets no closer to figuring it out. She watches Jeff like a hawk, trying to catch him flirting… or blatantly not flirting, as the case may be. But either Jeff has completely given up hitting on women, or the universe is conspiring to make sure he never has an opportunity around Britta.
She’s really not sure which.
The more she watches Jeff and tries to analyze his interactions with women, the less sure she becomes.
Maybe the toy store thing wasn’t as weird as she remembers it.
Maybe he was just preoccupied with thinking about a gift.
That’d still be weird, though. Since when does Jeff put that much thought or effort into things that aren’t his abs?
What she finally realizes is that he just plain doesn't interact with a lot of women. Not around the study group, at least. She only ever sees him around herself, Shirley, or Annie, and that doesn’t help her. She’s so curious that Britta briefly considers following him outside of school, then decides that might be a tiny bit stalkerish.
Jeff has kept the lid surprisingly tight on his secret gift, too. Nobody, not even Annie, has been able to get him to spill the beans.
It all bothers her much more than she cares to admit.
On the morning of the 28th, Britta wrestles the ridiculously-sized box out of her car, trying desperately not to rip the wrapping paper. Shirley greets her excitedly as soon as she gets inside, awkwardly hugging her around the present.
“Hello, Brit-ta! What do you think of the decorations, aren’t they great?”
Britta nods, forcing a smile. It looks like a party supply store exploded in the Bennett house. “Yeah, they’re… look at them all!”
Shirley beams. “Troy and Abed have been here all morning getting it done.”
“Oh, that explains… how… great it looks! Hey, where can I put this? My arms are going numb.”
Shirley leads her through to the living room, where a table has been set up. She rearranges things so Britta can set the box down, and Britta can’t help but peek through the gifts. A couple from Shirley’s mom, her sister, her nieces and nephews, André’s parents, one each from Jordan and Elijah, and then a long thin box with two smaller ones stacked on top, with a tag that simply says “From us”.
Hmm…
“Brit-ta, would you like to help Jeff and Annie? They’re setting the table in the dining room.”
“Sure.” She heads across the hall, but can already see the table is pretty much set. She’s about to turn around to find Shirley again when she hears Annie giggle.
Feeling particularly stealthy with all of her Jeff-watching lately, Britta creeps up to the doorframe.
“Oh my god, how can you text at like a hundred words per minute, but you can’t fold a napkin?”
“Uh, I hate to break it to you, Annie, but this is not how normal people fold napkins.”
“Well, duh, but this is more fun! We’re almost done. Just take that corner. No, that corner. No, THAT cor- yeah. And just fold it under… like this!”
There’s a moment of silence, and then Annie bursts out laughing.
“WHAT?” Jeff protests, with mock indignation. “It looks exactly like a bird.”
“Aww,” Annie chuckles. “Poor bird. What happened to it?”
“Hmm… probably the same thing that’s going to happen to yours.”
“Wha- JEFF!” Annie shrieks, but she’s still laughing. “Don’t! HEY! Give it back!”
Britta takes a chance and peeks her head around the corner. They’re sitting at the dining room table, and Annie is practically in Jeff’s lap trying to claw at the napkin in his hand. She manages to wrestle it from him, and sits back down in her chair, carefully redoing a few folds. She triumphantly holds it out, looking remarkably like a bird.
“Holy crap, that’s impossible.”
“Impossible for you, maybe.”
Jeff’s back is to Britta, so she can’t see the look on his face, but Annie rolls her eyes.
“Oh, shut up,” she says.
“I didn’t say anything!”
“I know what you’re thinking.”
“Oh, you can read minds now?”
“It’s not mind reading; it’s making an educated guess based on what I know about you, what’s happening in the situation, and your body language and facial expressions.”
Jeff shakes his head. “You’ve been spending too much time around Abed.”
Annie shrugs. “Probably. Doesn’t make it less true.”
“Okay, so what was I thinking?”
“You were thinking it’s silly to spend so much time on something people use to wipe food off their faces.”
He pauses for a second. “Not even close.”
“You’re a liar.”
“You’re a witch.”
Annie gasps.
“I said WITCH. Reading my mind like that…”
“Well, if I am, I promise not to turn you into a newt.”
Jeff actually kind of snorts with laughter. Britta’s pretty sure she’s never heard him do that before. “Just you wait,” he warns. “I’m going to find a duck to weigh, and then you’ll be in trouble.”
Annie’s laughing, and Jeff still is, too. They look at each other and Britta’s suddenly struck with the feeling that she’s intruding on… something. She’s not sure what, but she should not be watching this. It’s fine, no problem, she’ll just slowly turn around and back away. Just one foot back…
“I CAUGHT YOU, SPY!”
Britta jumps out of her skin and she spins around to find Elijah pointing a finger gun at her. Well, shit.
Annie appears in the doorway. “Uh, hey Britta. When did you get here?”
“Heyyyy!” she says, more loudly than she means to. “Oh, just now. You guys need any help?”
“YOU’RE DEAD, SPY!”
Annie smiles at Elijah. “Well, apparently you’re dead, so I don’t think you can help.”
“MWAH-HAHAHAHAH!!!” he yells, taking off down the hall.
“Yep, that’s me, a dead spy. I’m gonna go find Shirley!” Britta hastily heads for the kitchen, wondering whether Annie really did look as uncomfortable as she thinks she looked, or if it’s just her imagination.
- - - - -
An obscene amount of food later, the study group, the Bennetts, and the few present members of Shirley’s extended family are all crowded in the living room to open presents. Britta finds her eyes constantly wandering over to where Jeff and Annie are sitting. He looks nervous. Does he look nervous? Yeah, that’s gotta be nerves. It’s a weird look for Jeff.
They open the family’s presents first, and Britta has to admit that André sitting next to Shirley with Baby Ben on his lap makes for a really cute sight. When they reach the group’s presents, Jeff actually jumps out of his chair and grabs the big box.
“Okay,” he says, setting it down in front of the birthday boy. “So, we kind of got two gifts. The first one here is for Ben.”
Ben coos and reaches for the box, babbling in a way that makes it seem like he’s talking to Jeff. Jeff smiles as André helps Ben pull off the wrapping paper, and everyone “ooohs” when the play set is revealed.
“Oh, that’s nice!”
“Yeah, he’s going to love that,” André agrees.
Jeff looks nervous again as he retrieves the other set of gifts from the table. “Okay, now this one I have to explain. Annie asked me and Britta to pick out Ben’s gift, knowing it was the easiest way to get us involved. And we got the construction set, but then I got another idea. This is actually kind of for you, Shirley. Because no offense, Ben, you’re one, and you won’t remember today. But Shirley will.”
Shirley smiles warmly at Jeff. “Oh… that’s nice.”
He hands her the boxes.
Everyone leans in, trying to get the first glimpse of the secret Jeff has kept so well. Shirley pulls the first box from its wrapping: it’s a microphone. She looks slightly confused, but intrigued, and quickly tears open the second small box. It’s orange, with blue lettering.
“Sonar Home Studio 7,” she reads. “Jeffrey...”
He clears his throat. “Yeah, it’s… I mean, obviously you… sing, and I assume you sing to Baby Ben, but I know you’re not always home with him when you want to be. This way you can record your own music, and, you know…”
The room is so quiet you could hear a pin drop. Tears are forming in Shirley’s eyes.
“I checked with André, and your computer will run the software fine, and the other present is just a microphone stand,” Jeff rambles. “I know it’s probably not a normal birthday present for a one-year-old, but- oof!”
He’s cut off by Shirley pulling him into a hug. “Oh, Jeffrey, I love it. It’s perfect.”
It is perfect. The Bennetts, Troy, and Pierce are all getting a little choked up. Even Abed looks affected. How the hell did Jeff come up with this?
Jeff finally extracts himself from Shirley’s hug and then looks intently around the room. Most of the guests are up and moving around now, gushing over Jeff’s choice, checking out the presents, and starting to tidy up. But Jeff’s looking for… something… or someone.
There’s only one person missing: Annie.
Which is strange, because she was definitely here a minute ago.
Everyone starts to disperse throughout the house, and Britta stands, deciding she may as well check out the gifts herself.
“Oh, Britta!” Shirley says. “Could you please ask one of the men to take the garbage from the kitchen to the can outside?”
Britta rolls her eyes. “One of the MEN? Please, Shirley, like women aren’t capable of carrying slightly heavy things?”
“All right, then, can you take the kitchen garbage outside?” she asks sweetly.
Well… shit. “Yep, I sure can!”
As Britta lugs the garbage bag through the side door and down the steps, she wonders if there was a way for her to get out of doing this without compromising on her ideals.
Nothing comes to mind.
Britta heaves the bag into the garbage can, and looks up at the clouds with a sigh. It’s actually pretty nice outside. She wishes she had something to smoke, though. Not that she would, with kids around, but still.
“Hey.”
Jeff’s voice startles her, but when she looks down, he’s not there.
“Oh, hey,” Annie says.
Their voices are coming from around the back of the house. Britta freezes, knowing she should go back inside, because it’s just Jeff and Annie, and what does she care what they do? But for some reason her feet are moving toward them. And so, for the second time today, Britta finds herself pressed against a wall, peering around a corner, and spying on Jeff and Annie, without knowing why.
Annie is sitting on top of the Bennett’s picnic table, and Jeff leans against the table next to her. “You okay?”
She smiles and nods.
“What are you doing out here?”
Annie shrugs. “I needed a break. I love Shirley’s family, and I know they’re not perfect, but they’re so…”
“Happy.”
“Yeah. Well-adjusted.”
Jeff nods. “Functional, even.”
“Right? What’s that about?”
He smiles at her, a soft look on his face.
“I should be happy for them, I know. And I am, it’s just…”
“Hard to relate.”
“Yes! Exactly!” Annie exclaims.
They share a look and a smile that Britta can’t quite interpret. She imagines it has something to do with a mutual understanding that must come from having a shitty childhood. Jeff and Annie certainly have that in common.
“So,” Jeff says, nudging her with his elbow. “I’m dying to know, what’d you think?”
For some reason, Annie looks down at her shoes. “Shirley loved it. Everyone loved it. Why do you care what I think?”
“Oh, come on,” Jeff scoffs. “You’re the one that put me up to this. More to the point, I always care what you think, and you know that.”
Huh. Britta definitely didn’t know that…
“You didn’t just do this to try and impress me, did you?” she asks softly.
Jeff clears his throat. “Um, it depends. If I did, does that detract from the thoughtfulness of the gift?”
Annie looks up at him, and shakes her head.
“Then… yes, yes I did.”
She laughs.
This time, Jeff looks down at his shoes. “Did, um… did it work?”
Britta can barely believe her ears, or her eyes. Jeff is completely oblivious to the advances of a beautiful woman, but then gets flustered and tongue-tied around ANNIE? What the hell is going on?
Annie nods silently, even though he’s not looking at her. Then she leans toward him and rests her hand on his shoulder, placing a kiss on his cheek. She pulls away after a minute, standing up to leave, which causes Britta momentary panic, because she’ll come right this way-
But instead, Jeff grabs her arm.
Pulls her back to him.
And kisses her.
Britta gasps, audibly, but they don’t seem to notice. It’s like a horrible car accident; Britta desperately wants to look away, and can’t. She can only watch as Annie sinks into him and quickly, the kiss becomes something else, something desperate, as Jeff’s hands roughly grab her waist. Annie’s arms are trapped between them, and she clutches at his collar.
Jeff stands and wraps his arms around her, pulling her up against him with an urgency Britta has never seen from him before. Annie snakes her hands behind his neck, and then through his hair, and Jeff groans.
Britta’s jaw hits the ground. He NEVER makes a noise like that just from making out.
At least… he never did with her…
Suddenly, Annie breaks away, and he reluctantly loosens his grip, although not completely. They’re breathing heavily, their arms still tangled around each other.
“We can’t, um…” Annie gasps.
Jeff nods, squeezing his eyes shut. “I know.”
“Just not here! I mean if anyone-”
“We’ll ruin today for Shirley, I know.” He opens his eyes again, but neither of them move.
“Oh, Brit-ta!”
Britta jumps out of her skin, AGAIN, and turns to see Shirley leaning out of the side door.
“Have you seen Jeff and Annie? We’re going to do the cake before Ben gets too tired.”
“Nope! No, noooo, not at all. I’m sure they’re around somewhere!”
Shirley narrows her eyes suspiciously. “Could you take a look for them?”
“Sure! Yep! Absolutely.”
Britta’s heart is pounding, but she tries to smile reassuringly as Shirley disappears back into the house. She quickly presses against the brick wall again, and sneaks a look around the corner, but Jeff and Annie are gone.
And Britta’s left wondering what the hell she just witnessed.
- - - - -
Back inside, Jeff and Annie completely avoid each other, but Britta catches the glances they share. It pisses Britta off for reasons that are beyond her comprehension.
This is just not Jeff.
Jeff does not blow off attractive saleswomen. Jeff does not put time and effort into impressing a girl. Jeff doesn’t lose control of himself and GROAN when making out. Jeff also doesn’t STOP making out, just because he knows getting caught would hurt his friend.
Jeff doesn’t snort with laughter and goof around.
And before today, she never would have dreamed of using words like “thoughtful” and “sympathetic” to describe him.
This… whoever this is… this is NOT Jeff, and it’s really, really pissing her off.
Britta goes through the motions of the rest of the party. She sings “happy birthday”, badly and off-key. She claps with everyone else when Jordan and Elijah help Ben blow out his candles. She asks Shirley, a number of times, if she can stay and help clean up.
But Shirley insists that she’s fine, and she’s so happy with the whole day, and everyone just needs to go home and relax.
In the shuffle of everyone getting ready to go, Britta misses Annie, Troy and Abed leave. She does, however, see Jeff walking to his car, and runs outside, calling “ThanksShirleyIhadagreattimeIgottago!” over her shoulder.
Jeff is just opening his door when Britta reaches him, and slams it shut.
He jumps. “Britta, what the hell?”
“What the hell ME? What the hell to YOU!”
“I… what?”
“Who the hell are you?!” she yells, unable to contain her frustration any longer.
He shakes his head at her. “WHAT?”
“Who the HELL are you, and what the HELL have you done with Jeff?!”
He sighs in exasperation. “Are you high? Cause that’s really inappropriate, even for you.”
“No, I am not-! Get in the car!” Britta shoves at his arm, storming around to the passenger side and climbing in herself.
“Okay,” he says, settling into his seat. “Will you please tell me-”
“What the hell happened with you and Annie in the backyard?”
He purses his lips. “Well… what did it look like?”
Britta scoffs at him. “It LOOKED like you were sexually assaulting a twenty-one-year-old.”
“Jesus… sexual assault? Really? That’s what it looked like.”
“Well, I don’t know what’s going on with you, Jeff!”
“Britta, there’s nothing going on with me.”
“Oh, so I’m completely crazy, and it’s totally normal for you to refuse women who throw themselves at you, and make out with Annie in Shirley’s yard?”
Jeff leans his head back against the seat rest. “Okay. No, you’re not completely crazy.”
“Oh, good! So it’s not normal for you to act all… nice… and pick out a gift that’s so perfect it makes our friend cry?! It’s not normal for you to do work to impress someone??”
He sighs. “No, I guess it’s not.”
“Okay! So why are you acting like this?! I mean, god, Jeff, you’ve put a hundred times the effort into making Annie happy than you ever did with me, and you’re not even sleeping with her!”
Jeff sits up straight, and looks at her carefully. “Wait a minute… Britta… are you… jealous?”
“What? No. What?! No!”
He gives her a look.
“Jeff, I swear, that’s not it.”
“Britta, I…”
“Jeff, don’t. Seriously.”
He stops.
“It’s not… you, okay? It’s not like I’m jealous because I want… you. I mean, I know there were no emotions between us that actually meant anything. And I think if we tried to date, the murder-suicide would probably be inevitable.”
Jeff nods slowly in agreement.
“And this is going to sound like a COMPLETE contradiction of what I just said, but… umm… I just…” Britta sighs. “What does Annie have that I don’t have?”
He looks at her curiously. “What do you mean?”
“Ugh, it’s just… guys seem to want to sleep with me, but be with Annie.”
“Guys, plural? Who else are we talking about, here?”
She scoffs at him, no longer aware of the words she’s saying. “Vaughn! Who else would I be talking about?”
“Okay. I know this was a long time ago, but did you not come to me complaining that Vaughn was too into your relationship?”
“Yes! But I still liked him. And after YOU screwed things up for me and him, what did I get? She’s a D.B.G. played in front of the whole school! But after you screwed things up for him and Annie, what did she get? A speech about how he was so depressed he destroyed his phone, and a song about how much he likes her toes! And they weren’t sleeping together, either!”
Jeff stares at her for a second. “Okay, glossing over the many errors in that statement… I still don’t understand what exactly you’re so pissed off about. He wrote you a poem, too.”
“Just… forget about Vaughn.” Britta takes a deep breath. “Do you remember how much you hit on me when we first met?”
He shifts in his seat. “Yeah.”
“Do you know why I rejected you?”
“You thought I was a lazy, selfish asshole.”
“No, I thought you were- oh. Yeah.”
“…And?”
It takes all of Britta’s willpower to maintain eye contact with him. She’s really not used to being this truly honest. “And you’re not. Not around certain people. You actually put effort into being with Slater. And you put even more effort into almost anything for Annie. I don’t even know what’s going on with you two.” She loses her nerve, and looks down. “But you never did with me. It’s kind of hard not to take that personally, and I just realized I said a whole lot of things there, so I’m going to go now.” She grabs the door handle.
“Britta, wait.”
She does, very very reluctantly.
“Okay, listen. You-”
“Jeff, if you start to give me the don’t-worry-you’ll-find-someone speech, I swear to god your giant forehead is going into the steering wheel.”
He tries to fight back a smile. “You don’t believe in god.”
“I swear to anti-corporatism, your-”
“Britta, I was going to say, you are being ridiculous.”
She turns back in her seat to face him. “What?”
“You’re being ridiculous. You don’t want to be with me.”
“No, I don’t.”
“And you didn’t want to be with Vaughn when he was interested in Annie.”
“Well, no, I didn’t.”
“And, correct me if I’m wrong, but you were perfectly happy for us to mutually use each other for sex.”
Britta narrows her eyes. “Yes, I was.”
“AND, you don’t need, or even want to be in a relationship.”
“Of course I do!” she argues. “Everybody does, Jeff, unless they’re a complete sociopath. Everybody wants to be wanted.” Britta clamps her mouth shut. She has no idea why she’s saying these things. Why she’s STILL saying these things.
Jeff is quiet for a minute. Then he clears his throat. “I’m sorry that I was… emotionally distant.”
Britta shrugs. “I wasn’t much better. Honestly, Jeff, I don’t know why we’re talking about this. It’s not something I expect you to be able to fix.”
“Oh, good. It’s harder to pull a speech out of my ass when I’m sitting down.”
Against her better judgment, Britta smiles. Then she immediately feels uncomfortable. She’s not sure what she just confessed, but it feels like a confession, and she needs to deflect. “So what’s going on with you and Annie?”
Jeff shakes his head. “I have no idea.”
“But, something.”
“Yeah, there’s definitely, um…” he trails off, and swallows.
Britta smiles at him, a little more easily this time. “You’ll figure it out.”
He doesn’t look convinced.
“It was a really nice present, Jeff.”
“Thanks. I got the idea from you, actually.”
It’s all so very honest and sincere. This new Jeff will certainly take some getting used to. “Well, umm… talk to you later?”
“Yeah… Um, yeah.”
As Britta gets out of his car, and heads to hers, she isn’t sure if she feels better, or worse. She feels like a weight has been lifted, but now a different one has replaced it. A weight named Jeff & Annie & Something. But she’s not quite ready to tackle that one yet.
She closes her car door with a sigh, and almost misses her phone buzzing in her purse.
She pulls it out.
Don’t worry. You’re great. You’ll find somebody.
Britta shakes her head, picturing Jeff smirking in his own car.
Shut up.