Fic: The Realm of You, 5/?
Title: The Realm of You
Part: 5/?
Genre: Big Time Rush - Drama / Angst
Pairings: Logan/Kendall, Kendall/Jo
Details: AU, Slash
Rating: MA/NC17
Warnings: Dark themes, sexual content in later parts
Post Word Count: 604
Status: WIP
Summary: From friendship, to love, to something else entirely. When secrets are all they have, what is left when their lives become an open book? "I have no life but this."
Author's Note: This chapter contains some some mild homophobia and dark-ish thoughts.
Masterlist
"You know I'm most likely gay, right?" Kendall says. He and his friends have been in L.A. a week, and all this changing around of his image has him thinking. Honesty is the best policy, he always believes.
Gustavo just looks at him and frowns before rubbing his hands over his face.
"No," he replies.
"No, really. I think I am," Kendall says, walking into Gustavo's office and closing the door.
"Do your friends know?" Gustavo asks.
"Not all of them. I haven't needed to tell them yet." Kendall seats himself across from the large man, only slightly fearful. They are in California, after all. This kind of thing is supposed to be more accepted.
"Good," Gustavo says, "keep on keeping it to yourself."
"What?" Kendall's eyebrows disappear under his hair and a sick feeling begins rising in his stomach. "I don't think they'll have a problem. It's just, I've been a little scared to tell them, only a little, and my mom has guessed already and - "
"Listen," Gustavo starts, "You're Kendall Knight, the leader of Big Time Rush and Kendall Knight is not gay."
"But he is." Kendall stands and nods, a derisive snort escaping his nose.
Gustavo stands to match him, his huge form imposing. His face turns red as a cherry tomato before he shouts, "There are a million teenage girls and their moms who have to want you and they won't if there's no possibility of them having you!"
Kendall's mouth drops open. He closes it. It opens again. Gustavo only makes a face at him.
"B-but - ," Kendall tries to respond, no words escaping his mouth. He's shocked. Never has he felt the need to hide who he is, what he thinks, feels. He remembers now why he never wanted to be under public scrutiny, not really.
"Kendall Knight is NOT gay! Do what you want behind closed doors, Dog, but for the press, you love girls. Now go find yourself a girlfriend ASAP!" Gustavo jabs his thumb toward the door, shaking his head.
Kendall finds the nearest bathroom and throws up. How will he tell Logan? Logan, whose face, presence and voice ground him like no other. Logan with the hopeful grins and all-knowing eyes.
Kendall wants to drop out, go back to Minnesota, hide under a rock. How can he now? Now, when all his friends are tied into this, counting on him for success?
He shoves his own desires aside. The next time he sees Logan, he pretends they are just friends. Kendall pretends, when their hands accidentally brush against each other, he doesn't want to clutch the brunette's fingers in his. The next time Logan looks at him like there is something more, Kendall schools his expression. He refuses to have some half-life with Logan behind closed doors. Everything, he will keep to himself. Better for Logan.
And when Jo Taylor shows up, Kendall pretends he wants her. Out of spite, Kendall hopes, Logan pursues her as well.
Still, the possibility Logan might actually want her makes Kendall feel empty in places he paid no mind to previously. It's good though, Kendall thinks. It's good Logan wants someone else, can actively seek someone out.
Kendall skips meals. Not because he wants to be thin, but because no matter what he eats, his stomach hurts. Usually, he throws it up anyway.
No one notices, no one notices, no one notices, because he eats enough to maintain, but the less he eats the stronger he feels, the clearer he can think. Focus. He can be who everyone needs him to be.
Except for himself.
Part 4 Part 6
Part: 5/?
Genre: Big Time Rush - Drama / Angst
Pairings: Logan/Kendall, Kendall/Jo
Details: AU, Slash
Rating: MA/NC17
Warnings: Dark themes, sexual content in later parts
Post Word Count: 604
Status: WIP
Summary: From friendship, to love, to something else entirely. When secrets are all they have, what is left when their lives become an open book? "I have no life but this."
Author's Note: This chapter contains some some mild homophobia and dark-ish thoughts.
Masterlist
"You know I'm most likely gay, right?" Kendall says. He and his friends have been in L.A. a week, and all this changing around of his image has him thinking. Honesty is the best policy, he always believes.
Gustavo just looks at him and frowns before rubbing his hands over his face.
"No," he replies.
"No, really. I think I am," Kendall says, walking into Gustavo's office and closing the door.
"Do your friends know?" Gustavo asks.
"Not all of them. I haven't needed to tell them yet." Kendall seats himself across from the large man, only slightly fearful. They are in California, after all. This kind of thing is supposed to be more accepted.
"Good," Gustavo says, "keep on keeping it to yourself."
"What?" Kendall's eyebrows disappear under his hair and a sick feeling begins rising in his stomach. "I don't think they'll have a problem. It's just, I've been a little scared to tell them, only a little, and my mom has guessed already and - "
"Listen," Gustavo starts, "You're Kendall Knight, the leader of Big Time Rush and Kendall Knight is not gay."
"But he is." Kendall stands and nods, a derisive snort escaping his nose.
Gustavo stands to match him, his huge form imposing. His face turns red as a cherry tomato before he shouts, "There are a million teenage girls and their moms who have to want you and they won't if there's no possibility of them having you!"
Kendall's mouth drops open. He closes it. It opens again. Gustavo only makes a face at him.
"B-but - ," Kendall tries to respond, no words escaping his mouth. He's shocked. Never has he felt the need to hide who he is, what he thinks, feels. He remembers now why he never wanted to be under public scrutiny, not really.
"Kendall Knight is NOT gay! Do what you want behind closed doors, Dog, but for the press, you love girls. Now go find yourself a girlfriend ASAP!" Gustavo jabs his thumb toward the door, shaking his head.
Kendall finds the nearest bathroom and throws up. How will he tell Logan? Logan, whose face, presence and voice ground him like no other. Logan with the hopeful grins and all-knowing eyes.
Kendall wants to drop out, go back to Minnesota, hide under a rock. How can he now? Now, when all his friends are tied into this, counting on him for success?
He shoves his own desires aside. The next time he sees Logan, he pretends they are just friends. Kendall pretends, when their hands accidentally brush against each other, he doesn't want to clutch the brunette's fingers in his. The next time Logan looks at him like there is something more, Kendall schools his expression. He refuses to have some half-life with Logan behind closed doors. Everything, he will keep to himself. Better for Logan.
And when Jo Taylor shows up, Kendall pretends he wants her. Out of spite, Kendall hopes, Logan pursues her as well.
Still, the possibility Logan might actually want her makes Kendall feel empty in places he paid no mind to previously. It's good though, Kendall thinks. It's good Logan wants someone else, can actively seek someone out.
Kendall skips meals. Not because he wants to be thin, but because no matter what he eats, his stomach hurts. Usually, he throws it up anyway.
No one notices, no one notices, no one notices, because he eats enough to maintain, but the less he eats the stronger he feels, the clearer he can think. Focus. He can be who everyone needs him to be.
Except for himself.
Part 4 Part 6