Fic: The Realm of You, 7/?
Title: The Realm of You
Part: 7/?
Genre: Big Time Rush - Drama / Angst
Pairings: Logan/Kendall, Kendall/Jo
Details: AU, Slash
Rating: MA/NC17
Warnings: Dark themes, sexual content
Post Word Count: 842
Status: WIP
Summary: From friendship, to love, to something else entirely. When secrets are all they have, what is left when their lives become an open book? "I have no life but this."
Masterlist
Kendall dates Jo for months and has sticks of gum, saltine crackers for breakfast. He scoops his bacon and eggs into a napkin on his lap and he pretends to like it when he kisses her. Logan sometimes dates Camille, sometimes doesn’t and Kendall has diet soda for lunch along with two bites of tuna.
Sometimes, Kendall has a hamburger at dinner then runs until he can’t feel his legs anymore, throws up from the movement of it, and sometimes he asks Logan to run with him, the dark-haired boy’s crazy locks turned auburn in the setting sun.
Those are the days, the evenings when the the sun, low in the sky, lights Logan with a clinquant glow, eyes caught from the side flashing with flecks of yellow, those are the days Kendall can keep the sick stomach ache at bay.
He likes Jo, loves her even, truly, but in the way he might say he loves Carlos of James or Kelly, and he weighs himself three times a day.
California is beautiful; Kendall loves the warmth, the long days, the music he makes with his best friends. On the other side of the coin, he hates it. All the secrets, swirling through his head and heart like a thick fog, the future indecipherable, all control lost because a person can’t see three steps ahead. He used to share these things with Logan, but not anymore, not ever, never again. The thought chokes him, makes him feel a little more than crazy, so he eats some pizza just so he can force it out of his body.
The bones of his shoulders start to stick out, so he wears a shirt at the pool, does push ups to maintain upper body strength. Kendall holds things together, makes good decisions, inspires his friends, earns the love of a girl.
But Logan still looks at him in that wanting way, that forever longing kind of way. In his eyes, a constant question he will not voice, can’t voice because Kendall always stops him, doesn’t allow the two any time alone. Something great and awful might happen.
Kendall might do something stupid and soul-crushing and life-ruining like tell Logan he loves him.
He remembers back on not-too cold Minnesota mornings, chasing the points of light in the sky as they faded in the early morning, Logan jogging next to him in stride. Oh, oh how he had wanted to reach out and touch the blotches of pink on Logan’s morning chilled cheeks. Kendall wished to be that puff of breath steaming in the cold air, if only it meant he had once been inside the other boy.
In Los Angeles, the city is so bright, there are no stars to chase.
Kendall attempts to remember a time he has not loved Logan, but the feeling is so twined with all his memories he can’t imagine it never existing.
There comes a night when Jo and Kendall are alone in her apartment. Any normal night, the kisses and touches they share are chaste, innocent, but this night, Jo’s hands seem to be everywhere, her mouth asking a question without words. Kendall doesn’t know how to answer. He knows he wants Logan as surely as he knows his own name, but he’s not so Logansexual that he can’t recognize when someone wants more from him. Her hips move erratically, her hands clutch his shirt so the fabric protests and pops.
What would any other guy do? What? Kendall thinks, knowing the answer and not really wanting to affirm it with himself.
“Kendall?” she whines, voice almost keening -- the word, his name, her tone all a question.
The yellow-white light of the end table lamp casts her in flattering hue, and Kendall slows both their movements to really look at her. She’s beautiful; skin unblemished and glowing golden, hair like an expanse of unplowed wheat, just enough innocence paired with budding sensuality. But it’s the look in her eyes which makes up Kendall’s mind. There he sees nothing but lovelovelove and he wants it.
Her eyes are almost the right shade. Even though everything else is wrong.
So Kendall thinks of what is true and he says, “I love you,” kisses her again; he wouldn’t say it if it weren’t. Why shouldn’t he be with her this way? He is Kendall Knight, leader of Big Time Rush, and Kendall Knight, leader of Big Time Rush, doesn’t love a boy named Logan.
Except the boy from across the street and to the right does. That boy’s first time would be spontaneous, a three a.m. kiss turned to an uncontrolled wanting, a moment in time as fleeting as a firefly light, and it would be with the boy whose name is always on his lips. But, Kendall thinks, that version of himself isn’t around right now. This boy, the one who sings and runs and does push ups and throws up and hides, loses his virginity to Jo.
Kendall turns off the light so she won’t see his bones.
Part 6 Part 8
Part: 7/?
Genre: Big Time Rush - Drama / Angst
Pairings: Logan/Kendall, Kendall/Jo
Details: AU, Slash
Rating: MA/NC17
Warnings: Dark themes, sexual content
Post Word Count: 842
Status: WIP
Summary: From friendship, to love, to something else entirely. When secrets are all they have, what is left when their lives become an open book? "I have no life but this."
Masterlist
Kendall dates Jo for months and has sticks of gum, saltine crackers for breakfast. He scoops his bacon and eggs into a napkin on his lap and he pretends to like it when he kisses her. Logan sometimes dates Camille, sometimes doesn’t and Kendall has diet soda for lunch along with two bites of tuna.
Sometimes, Kendall has a hamburger at dinner then runs until he can’t feel his legs anymore, throws up from the movement of it, and sometimes he asks Logan to run with him, the dark-haired boy’s crazy locks turned auburn in the setting sun.
Those are the days, the evenings when the the sun, low in the sky, lights Logan with a clinquant glow, eyes caught from the side flashing with flecks of yellow, those are the days Kendall can keep the sick stomach ache at bay.
He likes Jo, loves her even, truly, but in the way he might say he loves Carlos of James or Kelly, and he weighs himself three times a day.
California is beautiful; Kendall loves the warmth, the long days, the music he makes with his best friends. On the other side of the coin, he hates it. All the secrets, swirling through his head and heart like a thick fog, the future indecipherable, all control lost because a person can’t see three steps ahead. He used to share these things with Logan, but not anymore, not ever, never again. The thought chokes him, makes him feel a little more than crazy, so he eats some pizza just so he can force it out of his body.
The bones of his shoulders start to stick out, so he wears a shirt at the pool, does push ups to maintain upper body strength. Kendall holds things together, makes good decisions, inspires his friends, earns the love of a girl.
But Logan still looks at him in that wanting way, that forever longing kind of way. In his eyes, a constant question he will not voice, can’t voice because Kendall always stops him, doesn’t allow the two any time alone. Something great and awful might happen.
Kendall might do something stupid and soul-crushing and life-ruining like tell Logan he loves him.
He remembers back on not-too cold Minnesota mornings, chasing the points of light in the sky as they faded in the early morning, Logan jogging next to him in stride. Oh, oh how he had wanted to reach out and touch the blotches of pink on Logan’s morning chilled cheeks. Kendall wished to be that puff of breath steaming in the cold air, if only it meant he had once been inside the other boy.
In Los Angeles, the city is so bright, there are no stars to chase.
Kendall attempts to remember a time he has not loved Logan, but the feeling is so twined with all his memories he can’t imagine it never existing.
There comes a night when Jo and Kendall are alone in her apartment. Any normal night, the kisses and touches they share are chaste, innocent, but this night, Jo’s hands seem to be everywhere, her mouth asking a question without words. Kendall doesn’t know how to answer. He knows he wants Logan as surely as he knows his own name, but he’s not so Logansexual that he can’t recognize when someone wants more from him. Her hips move erratically, her hands clutch his shirt so the fabric protests and pops.
What would any other guy do? What? Kendall thinks, knowing the answer and not really wanting to affirm it with himself.
“Kendall?” she whines, voice almost keening -- the word, his name, her tone all a question.
The yellow-white light of the end table lamp casts her in flattering hue, and Kendall slows both their movements to really look at her. She’s beautiful; skin unblemished and glowing golden, hair like an expanse of unplowed wheat, just enough innocence paired with budding sensuality. But it’s the look in her eyes which makes up Kendall’s mind. There he sees nothing but lovelovelove and he wants it.
Her eyes are almost the right shade. Even though everything else is wrong.
So Kendall thinks of what is true and he says, “I love you,” kisses her again; he wouldn’t say it if it weren’t. Why shouldn’t he be with her this way? He is Kendall Knight, leader of Big Time Rush, and Kendall Knight, leader of Big Time Rush, doesn’t love a boy named Logan.
Except the boy from across the street and to the right does. That boy’s first time would be spontaneous, a three a.m. kiss turned to an uncontrolled wanting, a moment in time as fleeting as a firefly light, and it would be with the boy whose name is always on his lips. But, Kendall thinks, that version of himself isn’t around right now. This boy, the one who sings and runs and does push ups and throws up and hides, loses his virginity to Jo.
Kendall turns off the light so she won’t see his bones.
Part 6 Part 8