Fic: The Realm of You, 10/?
Title: The Realm of You
Part: 10/?
Genre: Big Time Rush - Drama / Angst
Pairings: Logan/Kendall, Kendall/Jo
Details: AU, Slash
Rating: MA/NC17
Warnings: Dark themes, sexual content
Post Word Count: 1,333
Status: WIP
Summary: From friendship, to love, to something else entirely. When secrets are all they have, what is left when their lives become an open book? "I have no life but this."
Masterlist
To Logan, the kiss had been a promise. A promise for another one, another and another. A promise of fingertips trailing down his spine. A promise of whispered words of affection, a grin pressed against his throat, legs twined with his own.
And Logan knows Kendall never breaks his promises.
Logan is a smart guy. Some might say he can be lacking in common sense, but his sense tells him Kendall is covering. Kendall might smile, lead, joke and turn a phrase like everything is normal, but Logan sees the tightness in his eyes, the clenched jaw, rigid spine. Logan has watched Kendall hide his deeper feelings since they were children. And he’s learned how to see right through Kendall’s well-practiced facade.
Logan tries and tries and tries to get Kendall on his own, to tell the other boy he knows how hard it is, how much it hurts to try and keep something as huge as love a secret, even from yourself. But the only time they are away from the others they are running, Kendall always breathless, unable to speak.
Because Logan never doubts Kendall loves him.
Months go by and Logan watches Kendall sacrificing himself more each day, moving away from the boy who knew when it was okay to trust enough to show weakness into a man with empty eyes.
God, he’s getting so skinny, blue veins standing out plain despite the sun-kissed hue of his flesh.
Kendall is frighteningly good at hiding, and it breaks Logan’s heart. Even more than the million kisses he watches Kendall exchange with Jo. Even more than his accidental hearing of how Kendall lost his virginity. Those things hurt, no use in denying it, but they are shards in a sea of glass that is the smile never reaching Kendall’s eyes.
When Jo leaves, heads out to shoot a movie in New Zealand, Kendall loses it. It confuses Logan, Kendall finally moping, allowing everyone to see. In fact, one morning at breakfast, Kendall actually cries into his cereal -- James, Carlos, Katie and Mrs. Knight all present.
Logan watches the other boy carefully, only one small bite taken before he pushes it aside and excuses himself, tears falling silently down his cheeks. His eyes flit to Logan, only a tiny fraction of a second, but the glance is so loaded, it takes Logan’s breath away.
The table is silent as Kendall leaves and Logan can’t take the silence, not anymore. He stirs his coffee, purposefully clanging his spoon against the sides of his cup. He looks up and finds everyone staring at him.
“What?” he asks, that old feeling rising, the one he had tried to put away when Kendall chose Jo. He is a pane of bullet-proof glass -- maybe they see through him but he won’t be broken. They continue to stare and Logan squirms. He puts down the spoon.
“I’ll go talk to him,” Logan concedes.
Maybe he is more like cellophane, transparent and flimsy, at least when it comes to Kendall.
He walks into Kendall’s room just as he is pulling his shirt down over his stomach. Logan’s eyes go wide and all he can think is the word “bones”. He could count Kendall’s ribs if he wanted, from the apex of his sternum and down, down. Kendall’s hip bones are prominent also, peeking above the waist band of his shorts. Logan can’t help but gasp.
Kendall gets defensive. “What?” he growls, going to shove past Logan.
Logan shakes his head, clears his throat, tries to smooth his face into an expression feigning normality. “Nothing.” He steps aside as though letting Kendall pass. When the taller boy moves to leave, Logan grabs him, fingers able to encircle his upper arms. Logan swallows.
“Kendall,” Logan whispers, moving close, close enough to feel Kendall’s skin isn’t as fiery hot as it used to be. “Kendall, will you please have dinner with me? Just me and you.” Kendall looks at Logan’s shoulder, his chest, at the floor. Finally he moves his gaze to Logan’s eyes and his expression softens. Something like defeat permeates the room.
Kendall takes a shaky breath, eyes shining and sad and lost and found, uncomfortable with the paradox. He nods and Logan lets out the breath he has been holding.
~K/L~
All the time Logan has wanted to get Kendall on his own and now that they are alone, he can’t even begin to speak. The first half of dinner is quiet, loaded. Logan has counted four bites Kendall has taken. They are at this hole in the wall, greasy spoon type place and after twenty minutes of Kendall pushing the food around and nibbling, he excuses himself to the restroom.
Logan gives him a minute and a half and then follows.
He walks in just in time to hear Kendall puking. Logan stands outside the stall and waits on him, his heart aching at the sick sounds Kendall makes, the forceful heaves and in-between sobs.
Kendall comes out and his face is red and blotchy, his eyes bloodshot. He starts when he sees Logan.
“Why?” Logan immediately asks.
“Why what?” Kendall returns, playing like he doesn’t know Logan knows.
“You know.”
“I’m just upset over Jo.” Kendall goes to the sink, splashes water on his face, rinses out his mouth. He squirts breath spray in his mouth, puts drops in his eyes. The whole thing seems ritualistic to Logan, something well-practiced. When Kendall looks back at him, his appearance is normal. Except Logan knows how Kendall’s bones protrude under the baggy shirt he wears.
“This has been going on longer than that,” Logan deadpans.
Kendall sighs. “You wanted to talk. So talk.”
Logan starts at the beginning. “Before we left Minnesota --”
“I’m not gay,” Kendall interrupts. Logan narrows his eyes.
“I didn’t ask -- “
“Logan, we can’t be together like that. We just...can’t. Okay? I’m Kendall Knight and I like girls. I have to keep all this shit together.” He looks away from Logan and into the mirror. “I have to be an example and I have to make sure people want or want to be me and trust me and I have to keep this band together. I have to fix things when we all fight or get off task.” He turns to Logan again. “I have to be the person Gustavo and James and Carlos and Mom and Katie and a million fucking strangers need me to be so I can’t be who you need me to be too, okay?” Kendall pounds his fist into the countertop, squeezes his eyes closed. “Even if that’s what I want more than anything,” he finishes, voice tapering into almost nothing. He leans against the wall and slides to the floor, hides his face in his hands.
“Why are you so upset over Jo?” Logan asks, surprised Kendall is sharing so much with so little prompting.
“Because I’m allowed to be!” Kendall snaps, eyes flashing, so bright and green against his red face. He brings his knees to his chest and puts his forehead against them, begins to sob in earnest. Logan slides down next to him, wanting to sigh with gratitude when Kendall allows Logan to hold him close.
And Kendall feels so feeble, skin paper thin and bones sticking out like bolts. Logan wants to cry, but it’s Kendall’s turn right now.
“Tell you what,” Logan whispers, lips in Kendall’s hair, “I’ll be whatever you need me to be. No matter what that is. That way, at least one thing is right.”
Kendall quietens, moves so that his cheek rests on his knees, face turned towards Logan. “We’d have to be a secret,” Kendall murmurs, voice hopeful despite the obvious sadness on his face.
“I don’t mind.” Logan brings a trembling hand to Kendall’s flushed cheeks, brushes his fingertips across the other boy’s cheekbones, his nose, sweeps his hair from his eyes, wipes away the tears. “As long as it’s a secret we share.”
Part 9 Part 11
Part: 10/?
Genre: Big Time Rush - Drama / Angst
Pairings: Logan/Kendall, Kendall/Jo
Details: AU, Slash
Rating: MA/NC17
Warnings: Dark themes, sexual content
Post Word Count: 1,333
Status: WIP
Summary: From friendship, to love, to something else entirely. When secrets are all they have, what is left when their lives become an open book? "I have no life but this."
Masterlist
To Logan, the kiss had been a promise. A promise for another one, another and another. A promise of fingertips trailing down his spine. A promise of whispered words of affection, a grin pressed against his throat, legs twined with his own.
And Logan knows Kendall never breaks his promises.
Logan is a smart guy. Some might say he can be lacking in common sense, but his sense tells him Kendall is covering. Kendall might smile, lead, joke and turn a phrase like everything is normal, but Logan sees the tightness in his eyes, the clenched jaw, rigid spine. Logan has watched Kendall hide his deeper feelings since they were children. And he’s learned how to see right through Kendall’s well-practiced facade.
Logan tries and tries and tries to get Kendall on his own, to tell the other boy he knows how hard it is, how much it hurts to try and keep something as huge as love a secret, even from yourself. But the only time they are away from the others they are running, Kendall always breathless, unable to speak.
Because Logan never doubts Kendall loves him.
Months go by and Logan watches Kendall sacrificing himself more each day, moving away from the boy who knew when it was okay to trust enough to show weakness into a man with empty eyes.
God, he’s getting so skinny, blue veins standing out plain despite the sun-kissed hue of his flesh.
Kendall is frighteningly good at hiding, and it breaks Logan’s heart. Even more than the million kisses he watches Kendall exchange with Jo. Even more than his accidental hearing of how Kendall lost his virginity. Those things hurt, no use in denying it, but they are shards in a sea of glass that is the smile never reaching Kendall’s eyes.
When Jo leaves, heads out to shoot a movie in New Zealand, Kendall loses it. It confuses Logan, Kendall finally moping, allowing everyone to see. In fact, one morning at breakfast, Kendall actually cries into his cereal -- James, Carlos, Katie and Mrs. Knight all present.
Logan watches the other boy carefully, only one small bite taken before he pushes it aside and excuses himself, tears falling silently down his cheeks. His eyes flit to Logan, only a tiny fraction of a second, but the glance is so loaded, it takes Logan’s breath away.
The table is silent as Kendall leaves and Logan can’t take the silence, not anymore. He stirs his coffee, purposefully clanging his spoon against the sides of his cup. He looks up and finds everyone staring at him.
“What?” he asks, that old feeling rising, the one he had tried to put away when Kendall chose Jo. He is a pane of bullet-proof glass -- maybe they see through him but he won’t be broken. They continue to stare and Logan squirms. He puts down the spoon.
“I’ll go talk to him,” Logan concedes.
Maybe he is more like cellophane, transparent and flimsy, at least when it comes to Kendall.
He walks into Kendall’s room just as he is pulling his shirt down over his stomach. Logan’s eyes go wide and all he can think is the word “bones”. He could count Kendall’s ribs if he wanted, from the apex of his sternum and down, down. Kendall’s hip bones are prominent also, peeking above the waist band of his shorts. Logan can’t help but gasp.
Kendall gets defensive. “What?” he growls, going to shove past Logan.
Logan shakes his head, clears his throat, tries to smooth his face into an expression feigning normality. “Nothing.” He steps aside as though letting Kendall pass. When the taller boy moves to leave, Logan grabs him, fingers able to encircle his upper arms. Logan swallows.
“Kendall,” Logan whispers, moving close, close enough to feel Kendall’s skin isn’t as fiery hot as it used to be. “Kendall, will you please have dinner with me? Just me and you.” Kendall looks at Logan’s shoulder, his chest, at the floor. Finally he moves his gaze to Logan’s eyes and his expression softens. Something like defeat permeates the room.
Kendall takes a shaky breath, eyes shining and sad and lost and found, uncomfortable with the paradox. He nods and Logan lets out the breath he has been holding.
~K/L~
All the time Logan has wanted to get Kendall on his own and now that they are alone, he can’t even begin to speak. The first half of dinner is quiet, loaded. Logan has counted four bites Kendall has taken. They are at this hole in the wall, greasy spoon type place and after twenty minutes of Kendall pushing the food around and nibbling, he excuses himself to the restroom.
Logan gives him a minute and a half and then follows.
He walks in just in time to hear Kendall puking. Logan stands outside the stall and waits on him, his heart aching at the sick sounds Kendall makes, the forceful heaves and in-between sobs.
Kendall comes out and his face is red and blotchy, his eyes bloodshot. He starts when he sees Logan.
“Why?” Logan immediately asks.
“Why what?” Kendall returns, playing like he doesn’t know Logan knows.
“You know.”
“I’m just upset over Jo.” Kendall goes to the sink, splashes water on his face, rinses out his mouth. He squirts breath spray in his mouth, puts drops in his eyes. The whole thing seems ritualistic to Logan, something well-practiced. When Kendall looks back at him, his appearance is normal. Except Logan knows how Kendall’s bones protrude under the baggy shirt he wears.
“This has been going on longer than that,” Logan deadpans.
Kendall sighs. “You wanted to talk. So talk.”
Logan starts at the beginning. “Before we left Minnesota --”
“I’m not gay,” Kendall interrupts. Logan narrows his eyes.
“I didn’t ask -- “
“Logan, we can’t be together like that. We just...can’t. Okay? I’m Kendall Knight and I like girls. I have to keep all this shit together.” He looks away from Logan and into the mirror. “I have to be an example and I have to make sure people want or want to be me and trust me and I have to keep this band together. I have to fix things when we all fight or get off task.” He turns to Logan again. “I have to be the person Gustavo and James and Carlos and Mom and Katie and a million fucking strangers need me to be so I can’t be who you need me to be too, okay?” Kendall pounds his fist into the countertop, squeezes his eyes closed. “Even if that’s what I want more than anything,” he finishes, voice tapering into almost nothing. He leans against the wall and slides to the floor, hides his face in his hands.
“Why are you so upset over Jo?” Logan asks, surprised Kendall is sharing so much with so little prompting.
“Because I’m allowed to be!” Kendall snaps, eyes flashing, so bright and green against his red face. He brings his knees to his chest and puts his forehead against them, begins to sob in earnest. Logan slides down next to him, wanting to sigh with gratitude when Kendall allows Logan to hold him close.
And Kendall feels so feeble, skin paper thin and bones sticking out like bolts. Logan wants to cry, but it’s Kendall’s turn right now.
“Tell you what,” Logan whispers, lips in Kendall’s hair, “I’ll be whatever you need me to be. No matter what that is. That way, at least one thing is right.”
Kendall quietens, moves so that his cheek rests on his knees, face turned towards Logan. “We’d have to be a secret,” Kendall murmurs, voice hopeful despite the obvious sadness on his face.
“I don’t mind.” Logan brings a trembling hand to Kendall’s flushed cheeks, brushes his fingertips across the other boy’s cheekbones, his nose, sweeps his hair from his eyes, wipes away the tears. “As long as it’s a secret we share.”
Part 9 Part 11