Fic: The Realm of You, 22/24
Title: The Realm of You
Part: 22/24
Genre: Big Time Rush - Drama / Angst
Pairings: Logan/Kendall, Kendall/Jo
Details: AU, Slash
Rating: MA/NC17
Warnings: Dark themes, sexual content
Post Word Count: 1321
Status: WIP
Summary: From friendship, to love, to something else entirely. When secrets are all they have, what is left when their lives become an open book? "I have no life but this."
Masterlist
Beep, beep, beep...
Kendall’s heart, translated into a mechanic sound, emanates throughout the hospital room. Logan clutches his hand, all bony joints and cold, cold, cold. More often than not, he holds that hand against his cheek, trying to will some of his warmth into the other man.
Beep, beep, beep.
It’s all Logan hears, everything else filtered out; as long as the beepbeep sounds, Kendall is still alive. Even with all the tubes and bandages, the dry patches of skin on his face, the missing clumps of hair, his arms splayed out beside him like a discarded puppet.
Words like reduced kidney function, esophageal rupture, severe dehydration, possible reduced motor function, brain damage, comatose fly around Logan’s mind, ricocheting off his skull and causing him unrest, a blinding headache.
They say Kendall’s heart had been weakened because he has been starving so long. They say he has a multitude of problems and he was a walking time bomb. They say there’s no way to tell if he tried to die on purpose.
Logan will never forget the look on Mrs. Knight’s face when he admitted how long this had been happening, on and off. Something like betrayal, but more so disappointment. Logan felt like a kid again under her scrutiny, and he thinks how much he wishes he were one still. “Sometimes you can’t save him all by yourself,” she had said, just before she crumbled in his arms, a mass of grateful sobs tumbling from her mouth for the times he has saved Kendall all by himself.
The days run together as Logan sits and waits, and at some point he finally falls asleep, face pressed at an awkward angle on the edge of Kendall’s hospital bed. He has this dream where he has wings full of holes and he can’t fly, not the way he’s supposed to. And then Kendall is there.
As always, Logan tries to reach for him but can never quite do it.
“Do you need some tape, man?” Dream Kendall asks.
“Would that help?” Logan asks.
Dream Kendall laughs, full dimples, cheeks rounded, skin glowing and healthy, body filled. He’s so beautiful Logan's eyes hurt, but he won’t look away. “No,” Kendall answers.
“What then?”
“You’ll just have to walk with me,” Kendall replies. “It might take longer than flying.”
Logan smiles. “I don’t mind that. At all.”
“Sometimes I’m a little slow.”
“I don’t mind that either. I’ll wait. I always have, right?” Logan reaches out a hand, offers it to Kendall. “Together?”
Dream Kendall reaches out to take the proffered hand, but his fingers go transparent and pass right through Logan’s.
“Take it,” Logan urges.
“I’m trying,” Kendall winces, again attempting to grasp Logan.
And then he’s gone and Logan is surrounded by nothing.
“I should’ve fought for you,” he whispers to the blankness.
Logan awakens to stark, bright hospital lights, scratchy linens against his face.
Beep, beep, beep.
~K/L~
“Suicide Attempt?” the headline screams. It’s one of those tabloids with glossy covers, trying to pass itself off as a legitimate source.
In this case, Logan hates to imagine, it is probably right.
He holds a shot glass in his right hand, the crumpling magazine clutched in the other, white knuckles. Logan doesn’t condone drinking to drown one’s sorrows, but this once, he just can’t be strong enough. He throws the shot back, hot liquid sting blazing down his throat, eyes watering. Eyes watering, but maybe not from the liquor. He left the hospital once he heard of the article, some silly fear of Kendall waking while he read it pushing him home.
“Kendall Knight, unofficial frontman of Big Time Rush was hospitalized after an incident of near-drowning. Inside sources say Knight had begun withdrawing and isolating himself from his bandmates. Recent pictures of the singer show him looking increasingly gaunt (see inset A), leading us to wonder...”
Logan’s eyes travel to the picture, Kendall’s haunted expression, everything about him rail thin. The caption reads, “Eating disorder? Our source commented they never saw Knight eating, frequently avoiding group meals.”
Reading the article again, he gets to the part stating the “speculation over Knight’s sexuality” and “his questionable relationship with bandmate Logan Mitchell during the absence of his on-again, off-again girlfriend, actress Jo Taylor.”
It reads on, more (not so)wild suggestions as to what led to Kendall’s desperation.
Logan hopes it’s not true, doesn’t want to believe Kendall would keep such secrets, carry some burning torch for Logan but douse it simply for public relation’s sake, think the death of him would correct it all.
But Logan knows it is.
Because he has never doubted Kendall loves him. He should’ve fought harder, let Kendall know they didn’t need to be Big Time Rush if it cost Kendall his health. James and Carlos would’ve told him the same. How the fuck did it all get this far? It all seems so needless now. All for what?
Stupid, self-righteous, self-sacrificing asshole. Logan would punch him in the face and then kiss the bruise.
His phone has been blowing up all day, but he hasn’t moved from the spot he sits, re-reading the article, looking at the picture, re-reading the article, looking at the picture. The sun is setting now, the light streaming through his window waning white-gold and reminding him of Kendall’s hair when they were children. Logan thinks maybe he should scream or break stuff or writhe in misery, but he can’t, his strength sapped, everything spent on willing Kendall to wake up.
But what will he wake to?
The phone rings again and Logan answers it. He can barely say hello before Gustavo screams, “This is a PR nightmare!”
Logan says nothing.
“What the fuck happened?” Gustavo demands.
“Kendall was drowning and I pulled him out,” Logan drones.
“Yeah, but this article? I don’t know how many times I told the kid to keep that gay stuff under wraps -- “
“Wait, what?” Logan interrupts.
“All this about Kendall’s sexual orientation? It’s been a fucking firestorm all day, and you and Carlos and James haven’t been answering your phones! After that shit with the pictures a year or two ago, I warned Kendall to stop being so emo -- “
“What pictures?” Logan’s thoughts are spinning and twirling, gaining speed like the beginnings of a hurricane.
“The pictures of you two being all gay.” Gustavo says, and Logan can practically see the man’s fingers wiggling, condescending movements with each flutter of his hands.
The final few pieces click into place for Logan and it all makes sense.
“So, you told Kendall he had to be straight?”
“Well, yeah,” Gustavo says, the words drawn out, mocking.
Resisting the urge to hang up on Gustavo, Logan says, “He tried to kill himself, Gustavo. Really.”
For once, Gustavo pauses, sighs. “Look, Logan, I have a business to run.” His tone is quieter than Logan can remember it ever being, a tinge of something Logan would not expect. Maybe pity? A modicum of compassion? “I had to make you guys popular. Successful. And I have.”
“Yes, you have. What about now? Can we be honest now?” Logan asks. He thinks of the fans, the speculation, the crowds of girls screaming his name. He never needed any of it, not if it meant losing Kendall.
Gustavo huffs. “Let me try to handle this. Let’s just see what happens, okay?”
“Okay,” Logan replies, his stomach roiling. He begins to hang up when Gustavo stops him.
“Oh, and, Logan?”
“Yeah?”
“You, uh... You tell Kendall if... I mean when he wakes up to get better and get back to work, all right?”
Logan almost forgets how livid he is and smiles. This is as close to an apology Gustavo will ever offer, something nowhere near adequate. “Sure, I will.” Logan closes his eyes, pauses, swallows his emotions along with another shot. “When he wakes up.”
If, if, if. Beep, beep, beep.
Part 21 Part 23
Part: 22/24
Genre: Big Time Rush - Drama / Angst
Pairings: Logan/Kendall, Kendall/Jo
Details: AU, Slash
Rating: MA/NC17
Warnings: Dark themes, sexual content
Post Word Count: 1321
Status: WIP
Summary: From friendship, to love, to something else entirely. When secrets are all they have, what is left when their lives become an open book? "I have no life but this."
Masterlist
Beep, beep, beep...
Kendall’s heart, translated into a mechanic sound, emanates throughout the hospital room. Logan clutches his hand, all bony joints and cold, cold, cold. More often than not, he holds that hand against his cheek, trying to will some of his warmth into the other man.
Beep, beep, beep.
It’s all Logan hears, everything else filtered out; as long as the beepbeep sounds, Kendall is still alive. Even with all the tubes and bandages, the dry patches of skin on his face, the missing clumps of hair, his arms splayed out beside him like a discarded puppet.
Words like reduced kidney function, esophageal rupture, severe dehydration, possible reduced motor function, brain damage, comatose fly around Logan’s mind, ricocheting off his skull and causing him unrest, a blinding headache.
They say Kendall’s heart had been weakened because he has been starving so long. They say he has a multitude of problems and he was a walking time bomb. They say there’s no way to tell if he tried to die on purpose.
Logan will never forget the look on Mrs. Knight’s face when he admitted how long this had been happening, on and off. Something like betrayal, but more so disappointment. Logan felt like a kid again under her scrutiny, and he thinks how much he wishes he were one still. “Sometimes you can’t save him all by yourself,” she had said, just before she crumbled in his arms, a mass of grateful sobs tumbling from her mouth for the times he has saved Kendall all by himself.
The days run together as Logan sits and waits, and at some point he finally falls asleep, face pressed at an awkward angle on the edge of Kendall’s hospital bed. He has this dream where he has wings full of holes and he can’t fly, not the way he’s supposed to. And then Kendall is there.
As always, Logan tries to reach for him but can never quite do it.
“Do you need some tape, man?” Dream Kendall asks.
“Would that help?” Logan asks.
Dream Kendall laughs, full dimples, cheeks rounded, skin glowing and healthy, body filled. He’s so beautiful Logan's eyes hurt, but he won’t look away. “No,” Kendall answers.
“What then?”
“You’ll just have to walk with me,” Kendall replies. “It might take longer than flying.”
Logan smiles. “I don’t mind that. At all.”
“Sometimes I’m a little slow.”
“I don’t mind that either. I’ll wait. I always have, right?” Logan reaches out a hand, offers it to Kendall. “Together?”
Dream Kendall reaches out to take the proffered hand, but his fingers go transparent and pass right through Logan’s.
“Take it,” Logan urges.
“I’m trying,” Kendall winces, again attempting to grasp Logan.
And then he’s gone and Logan is surrounded by nothing.
“I should’ve fought for you,” he whispers to the blankness.
Logan awakens to stark, bright hospital lights, scratchy linens against his face.
Beep, beep, beep.
~K/L~
“Suicide Attempt?” the headline screams. It’s one of those tabloids with glossy covers, trying to pass itself off as a legitimate source.
In this case, Logan hates to imagine, it is probably right.
He holds a shot glass in his right hand, the crumpling magazine clutched in the other, white knuckles. Logan doesn’t condone drinking to drown one’s sorrows, but this once, he just can’t be strong enough. He throws the shot back, hot liquid sting blazing down his throat, eyes watering. Eyes watering, but maybe not from the liquor. He left the hospital once he heard of the article, some silly fear of Kendall waking while he read it pushing him home.
“Kendall Knight, unofficial frontman of Big Time Rush was hospitalized after an incident of near-drowning. Inside sources say Knight had begun withdrawing and isolating himself from his bandmates. Recent pictures of the singer show him looking increasingly gaunt (see inset A), leading us to wonder...”
Logan’s eyes travel to the picture, Kendall’s haunted expression, everything about him rail thin. The caption reads, “Eating disorder? Our source commented they never saw Knight eating, frequently avoiding group meals.”
Reading the article again, he gets to the part stating the “speculation over Knight’s sexuality” and “his questionable relationship with bandmate Logan Mitchell during the absence of his on-again, off-again girlfriend, actress Jo Taylor.”
It reads on, more (not so)wild suggestions as to what led to Kendall’s desperation.
Logan hopes it’s not true, doesn’t want to believe Kendall would keep such secrets, carry some burning torch for Logan but douse it simply for public relation’s sake, think the death of him would correct it all.
But Logan knows it is.
Because he has never doubted Kendall loves him. He should’ve fought harder, let Kendall know they didn’t need to be Big Time Rush if it cost Kendall his health. James and Carlos would’ve told him the same. How the fuck did it all get this far? It all seems so needless now. All for what?
Stupid, self-righteous, self-sacrificing asshole. Logan would punch him in the face and then kiss the bruise.
His phone has been blowing up all day, but he hasn’t moved from the spot he sits, re-reading the article, looking at the picture, re-reading the article, looking at the picture. The sun is setting now, the light streaming through his window waning white-gold and reminding him of Kendall’s hair when they were children. Logan thinks maybe he should scream or break stuff or writhe in misery, but he can’t, his strength sapped, everything spent on willing Kendall to wake up.
But what will he wake to?
The phone rings again and Logan answers it. He can barely say hello before Gustavo screams, “This is a PR nightmare!”
Logan says nothing.
“What the fuck happened?” Gustavo demands.
“Kendall was drowning and I pulled him out,” Logan drones.
“Yeah, but this article? I don’t know how many times I told the kid to keep that gay stuff under wraps -- “
“Wait, what?” Logan interrupts.
“All this about Kendall’s sexual orientation? It’s been a fucking firestorm all day, and you and Carlos and James haven’t been answering your phones! After that shit with the pictures a year or two ago, I warned Kendall to stop being so emo -- “
“What pictures?” Logan’s thoughts are spinning and twirling, gaining speed like the beginnings of a hurricane.
“The pictures of you two being all gay.” Gustavo says, and Logan can practically see the man’s fingers wiggling, condescending movements with each flutter of his hands.
The final few pieces click into place for Logan and it all makes sense.
“So, you told Kendall he had to be straight?”
“Well, yeah,” Gustavo says, the words drawn out, mocking.
Resisting the urge to hang up on Gustavo, Logan says, “He tried to kill himself, Gustavo. Really.”
For once, Gustavo pauses, sighs. “Look, Logan, I have a business to run.” His tone is quieter than Logan can remember it ever being, a tinge of something Logan would not expect. Maybe pity? A modicum of compassion? “I had to make you guys popular. Successful. And I have.”
“Yes, you have. What about now? Can we be honest now?” Logan asks. He thinks of the fans, the speculation, the crowds of girls screaming his name. He never needed any of it, not if it meant losing Kendall.
Gustavo huffs. “Let me try to handle this. Let’s just see what happens, okay?”
“Okay,” Logan replies, his stomach roiling. He begins to hang up when Gustavo stops him.
“Oh, and, Logan?”
“Yeah?”
“You, uh... You tell Kendall if... I mean when he wakes up to get better and get back to work, all right?”
Logan almost forgets how livid he is and smiles. This is as close to an apology Gustavo will ever offer, something nowhere near adequate. “Sure, I will.” Logan closes his eyes, pauses, swallows his emotions along with another shot. “When he wakes up.”
If, if, if. Beep, beep, beep.
Part 21 Part 23