13 (b)

[cannonsburn]

Title: You Stop I Start(2/2)


For the first few years, Cesc is the one who travels to Spain and spends a few weeks with Sergio during the summer, then finishes the rest of the summer with Robin. Sergio finally comes to London when they're fifteen and Cesc worries that he and Robin won’t get along; they’re about as different as two people can be, and Cesc is sure that the only thing they have in common is him.

And football.

So when the three of them are together, they spend most of their time playing football. They’re usually joined by a few other people from their school, and to his relief, Sergio manages to fit in just fine. He and Robin don’t click well enough for Cesc’s liking, but they don’t dislike each other either, so he supposes that’s good enough.

The one person that Sergio does hit it off with surprises Cesc, because Sergio Ramos and Tomáš Rosický getting along is just as unlikely as he and Robin getting along― which is what Cesc would have preferred.

He catches Sergio touching Tomáš’s hair and he narrows his eyes at that.

Robin follows his gaze and laughs. “Stop,” he says, bumping his knee against Cesc’s. “They’re comparing conditioners.”

Cesc turns to stare at him. “You’re not serious.”

Then Tomáš is running his fingers through Sergio’s hair, who looks pleased and smug all at once, and Cesc rolls his eyes. They were so weird.

Robin is really good at football, except for the fact that he gets injured a lot. He sprains his ankle that keeps him off his feet for a good chunk of the summer, so Cesc ends up at Robin’s house most of the time.

“You’re so lame,” he says, nudging Robin’s legs slightly to make room for himself on the couch, where Robin is sitting with his legs propped up. “Who else would slip on grass?”

“It was wet,” Robin mumbles defensively.

“Klutz,” Cesc insists, but he fondly pets Robin’s knee as they settle down to watch a documentary Robin had on.

Robin likes watching nature documentaries; Cesc does not. (“Why would I care about how jellyfish reproduce?”) So more often than not, he ends up falling asleep. Most of the time, he wakes up sprawled on the other end of the couch, and is subjected to Robin’s looks of disapproval as he summarizes what Cesc had missed, as if Cesc actually wanted to know.

This time he wakes up draped around Robin, who has also fallen asleep. Cesc’s head is tucked under Robin’s chin, and he wonders how this had happened. He can feel Robin’s warm breath on the back of his neck, and for some reason this makes the little hairs at the base of his neck stand up.

Cesc tries to dislodge himself without waking up Robin, but Robin shifts slightly underneath him and his left hand finds the bare patch of skin on Cesc’s back from where his T-shirt had ridden up. Cesc feels something in his stomach tighten. He manages to move his head from under Robin’s chin and he looks up, studying Robin’s face.

He hears the front door open then and he quickly disentangles himself from Robin and jumps to his feet, while Robin simply turns on to his side, still fast asleep. He’s pulling at his T-shirt when Lilly and Kiki come into the living room.

“Hey, how was the movie?” he asks, noticing that his voice is unusually high.

If they notice, they don’t mention it. “It was so romantic,” Kiki answers, sounding a little dreamy.

“Cheesy,” Lilly says. “How was” ― she gestures at the T.V. ― “whatever he made you watch?”

Cesc waves his hand dismissively. “Oh, you know, giraffes are born with a horn and eat from trees and all that.” He glances at Robin, who hasn’t moved since he had turned to his side. “He’s tired, I should go.”

He grabs his things and hurries out. As he closes the door behind him, he groans to himself. I am so screwed.

One time Cesc thinks it may not be as bad as he thinks:

Cesc spends an inordinate amount of time at parties playing drinking games; he’s really good at them. Robin, on the other hand, is completely hopeless and eventually Cesc gets tired of losing and pawns him off on Tomáš.

“I’m not that bad,” Robin insists.

“Robin, Beer Pong is not that hard and you haven’t got it in once.”

Robin beams. “That’s what she said!” he announces, triumphantly.

Cesc laughs and smoothes down his hair. “You are so drunk,” he says, easing him on to the couch next to Tomáš, whose eyes look glassy. Cesc thinks he may be high, but Robin’s eyes are already closing so he’s sure he’ll be okay.

This is until Tomáš wanders into the game room where Cesc and Nicky were currently kicking ass at Flip the Cup.

“You’re cheating,” Theo slurs, as he squints at his cup.

“I ‘gree,” Jack complains, leaning against Theo, who is hardly steady himself. “Less go, we don’t wanna play with ‘em, cheaters.” He lifts his head to glare at Cesc and Nicky, who are laughing at the two of them.

“Aww,” Cesc says, ruffling Jack’s hair. “It’s like an angry puppy after you’ve taken away his chew toy.”

“Ger’off.” Jack pushes his hand away, and he and Theo hobble away together.

“Robin’s gone,” Tomáš mumbles, as he crawls under the table for some unknown reason.

Nicky ducks his head down and watches as Tomáš lies down and drapes his arm over his eyes. “Are you okay?”

“Mmm, yeah, the lights hurt my eyes.”

Nicky stands up. “He’s so high,” he says, as he reaches for Theo’s unfinished beer.

Cesc has other problems though. It takes him awhile, but he finally finds Robin asleep in the bathtub in Nicky’s parents’ bathroom.

“Hey,” he says, shaking Robin’s shoulder. “Let’s get you home.”

“Oh, Cesc, hi!” Robin’s eyes take awhile to focus on him. “I think Samir and Gaël were in here. They didn’t know I was in the bathtub trying to sleep. They were really loud.”

Cesc is ignoring all of this, as he helps Robin to his feet. “Here we go.”

“And they were doing stuff.” Robin holds on to Cesc’s neck as he carefully climbs out of the tub, and then he suddenly turns, brushing his nose against Cesc’s. “We should do stuff too, I’ve been thinking of that for awhile.”

This, Cesc thinks, would be a lot more appealing if Robin didn’t smell of cheap beer and whatever else he had got his hands on, and if Robin wasn’t drunk out of his mind.

And one other time:

Cesc isn’t known for his subtlety and one day while they’re at the library studying, he asks Robin why he doesn’t have a girlfriend. “You know they all moon over you,” he says. Granted, it’s not a very smart track because if Robin asks him the same thing, he wouldn’t know how to reply.

Robin doesn’t look up from the book that he is currently murdering with a highlighter. “That’s a bit presumptuous, isn’t it?”

Cesc looks at him, confused. “What is?”

“Assuming I want a girlfriend.”

Cesc rolls his eyes. “Okay, whatever, you can just date them, you know.”

Robin looks up then and sighs in exasperation. “You missed my point, Cesc. I said you were assuming I wanted a girlfriend.”

Cesc briefly wonders if Robin’s brain has finally exploded from all the studying and he has gone crazy. “I know, I said―”

“Girlfriend.”

Cesc blinks at him. “Oh.”

Robin gives him a pointed look. “Yeah. Now can we go back to studying?” he says, and he goes back to his book.

Cesc picks up his book, feeling pleased.

Cesc is completely blindsided when his parents announce that they are separating; they had always gotten along and there was nothing in the days preceding their announcement that indicated what was coming. He is predictably upset and he ends up spending the night at Robin’s house, where they both proceed to get drunk.

Or at least Cesc does, because Robin is sober enough to try to help him into the guest bedroom. He manages to maneuver Cesc into the bed, and he tries to extricate himself from Cesc’s grip, but the latter is holding on to him tight, pulling him closer.

“Robin,” he mumbles, sounding tired.

Robin can feel his breath on his face and he can smell all the alcohol they had consumed. “Yeah?”

Cesc’s hands were clasped around his neck, but now one hand slides down Robin’s back and slips under his shirt.

Robin gives him a strange smile as he presses his forehead against Cesc’s. “You are really drunk,” he says, reaching behind him and moving Cesc’s hand away.

“I know what I’m doing,” Cesc says. He wriggles slightly underneath Robin.

Robin groans and shifts. “Cesc.”

“Robin.” Cesc closes his eyes for a moment and when he opens them, he looks pained. “Everything really hurts.”

Robin almost gives in then. Instead he says, “I know. Which is why you should sleep. You won’t want this in the morning, you’ll be glad nothing happened. Trust me.”

Cesc lets go of him then and pushing Robin off him, he turns on his side, his back to Robin.

“Cesc, come on, don’t be like that.”

When Cesc doesn’t move or reply, he sighs and moves the empty trash can closer to the bed. “In case you feel like throwing up, try to use the trash can.” After a pause, he leans in close to Cesc’s ear. “I’m sorry,” he says, quietly, and then he gets off and leaves the room.

When he wakes up, Cesc doesn’t think he has ever been so embarrassed. Robin has the good grace to pretend like nothing had happened. He just hands Cesc an aspirin and water for his hangover, and Cesc thanks him through a mouthful of toast.

Robin was wrong and right. Cesc was glad nothing happened, but he still wanted to kiss Robin. Just not in the way it would have happened last night― with Cesc drunk and confused and hurt, and Robin turning him down.

Sergio comes to visit him when he hears about Cesc’s parents. Cesc is relieved because there’s enough tension at his house and Sergio would break it, because his mother still believed in treating guests properly, and Carlota would be glad to see him. Plus it gave Cesc a proper excuse to avoid Robin, who he had shamefully been ducking since that night.

“Why aren’t you answering Dutch boy’s calls?” Sergio asks, as Cesc ignores yet another phone call from Robin.

“I just want to spend as much time with you as I can,” Cesc says. It’s true enough, although he can tell Robin this and he’d understand. Which is what Sergio tells him, but Cesc ignores him.

It was a bad decision and he pays for it a few days later, when he and Sergio are playing video games in his room, and Robin barges in, looking irritated.

“You are being really fucking stupid,” he says.

Cesc gapes at him because he has never heard Robin swear before. He opens his mouth to say something― he’s not sure what; maybe to apologize or ask if they can talk about it another time when Sergio wasn’t around, because this was really awkward. It doesn’t matter though because Robin cuts him off.

“No, you don’t get to talk right now. You didn’t answer any of my calls so you can just listen.” Robin shuts the door and Cesc is sure he isn’t aware that Sergio is there, even though he’s sitting right next to him. “Just because we both got drunk and nothing happened― I mean, would you listen to that? Nothing happened, Cesc, I thought things got awkward when you actually do something stupid. I made sure nothing did specifically to avoid this.” He gestures at the space between the two of them. His shoulders droop slightly, and Cesc knows the fight has gone out of him. “What the fuck, Cesc? Why are you being such an idiot? Nothing has changed.”

Cesc glances at Sergio, who seems to have taken a sudden interest in his cuticles. “I’m sorry,” he says a bit pathetically, because there really isn’t anything else to say. “It was just…awkward.”

“Right, and letting it fester was your solution?”

“Fester is such a gross word,” Sergio blurts out, and then claps his hands over his mouth. He gives the two of them a sheepish look. “Sorry, I didn’t mean to ruin your moment.”

“This is not a moment,” Robin and Cesc say at the same time; only Robin sounds annoyed and Cesc sounds scandalized.

Sergio pushes himself on to his feet. “Okay, well, I’m going to go…not be here.” He stops in front of Robin and awkwardly pats his arm. “Nice to see you again,” he mumbles and shoots out the door.

Cesc gives Robin a small smile and pats the space on the floor next to him that Sergio had just vacated. “I’m sorry, okay?” he says, as Robin sits down next to him. “I felt really stupid, and I didn’t know what to say to you.”

“No, this is much better.”

Cesc frowns. “Robin, you’re making this really hard.”

Robin’s face softens. “Sorry.” There’s a pause and he turns to Cesc. “Can we just forget that anything happened? Or almost happened?”

Cesc studies him, and then sighs. “Yeah, that would be great.”

Robin smiles in relief. “Good.” He squeezes Cesc’s arm. “I’ll let you spend some time with Sergio. We’ll hang out after he leaves.”

Cesc nods and watches as Robin leaves. I hate my life, he thinks.

One conversation Sergio has with Cesc:

“What did you do? He was really mad. I’ve never seen Dutch boy mad.”

“That would carry a lot more weight if this wasn’t the second time you were meeting him.”

“Whatever. Just tell me what you did.”

“I might have tried to kiss him while we were drunk.”

“No!”

“Ugh, yes. Don’t look at me like that, I feel stupid enough without being judged by you of all people.”

“I’m just going to ignore that last bit for now. So tell me, are you feeling stupid because you tried to kiss him or because you failed?”

“What’s the difference?”

“The first one means you were just drunk and you tried to do something stupid. The second one means you wanted to.”

“Fuck off. You sound like such a girl.”

“Oh my god, it’s the second one.”

“Shut up.”

“You still want to kiss him!”

“Sergio, just shut up or I swear I’ll kick you out and you can see how the streets of London treat you.”

“I’ll just ask Dutch boy if I can stay with him.”

The conversation ends with Cesc punching Sergio on the arm.

Sergio has the dating track record of a hooker, Cesc thinks, if hookers actually dated their clients. He’s pretty sure Sergio has dated almost everyone at his school.

There had been a transfer student from Brazil, who Sergio had been obsessed with because he thought Ricardo was “exotic”. Cesc chokes when Sergio says, “He’s so pure.”

“Why should that matter to you?” Cesc demands. “You’re anything but.”

“I know, but it’s refreshing.”

“That would be sweet if you weren’t trying to defile him.”

It doesn’t go very far though. Sergio somehow manages to wear him down, but he only gets as far as a kiss before Ricardo insists that they got to church for confession.

“You actually went?”

“It seemed important to him. Anyway the priest was kind of cute.”

“I don’t think you’re supposed to look.”

“They’re priests, Cesc, not eclipses; I think we can look at them without burning our retinas.”

Cristiano is Cesc’s favourite though. He’s pretty sure if he actually knew Cristiano, he wouldn’t like him, but he loves hearing about him. He and Sergio actually make it work for three weeks (Sergio’s track record is usually a week, if that) until Sergio calls Cesc, fuming. “That fucker said my tan was uneven! Meanwhile he looks like he’s been to the fucking sun and back.”

Sergio makes a lot of bad decisions too. He asks Cesc if he thinks Tomáš would be interested, but Cesc doesn’t see how that would work out. Discussing hair products could only work for so long.

When Sergio tells him he’s thinking about asking out Iker, Cesc is actually terrified. “Are you kidding? He will kill you. In your sleep. He will sneak into your house and kill you in your sleep. That’s after he makes you watch as he cuts your hair.”

“Just as well,” he says, mournfully. “I overhead him talking to Xabi about some English fellow he met over the summer. David or something. As if we don’t have enough Davids in our lives.”

So when Sergio calls to say he has been dating someone for more than a month, Cesc is surprised. Even more so when he finds out it’s Fernando.

“The Lego-playing, overfreckled, raisin-lover?”

“Yes. He’s a really nice boy. And I haven’t even tried to get into his pants. Yet. And I like his freckles.”

“I guess,” Cesc says, doubtfully. “There’s just so many of them.”

“I know,” Sergio says happily. “They’re endearing.”

Cesc rolls his eyes.

“I know you’re rolling your eyes,” Sergio says. “It’s not my fault you’re not getting anywhere with Dutch Boy. Have you considered dating someone else instead of mooning over him like some school girl?”

“I hope Freckles chokes on a raisin,” Cesc says and hangs up.

It’s only when Cesc catches himself admiring the line of Robin’s neck that it hits him― he’s fawning. He realizes he’s been doing it for awhile now: watching the way Robin’s eyebrows knit together when he gets stuck on a math problem, or the way he chews on his lip when he has something unpleasant to say or when he's worrying about something or how his eyes crinkle when he's genuinely happy with something.

“Oh my god, you are actually making me sick,” Sergio complains, over the phone. “Either go tell him you like him or date someone else, Fàbregas, because I refuse to talk to you about this anymore.”

So Cesc does what he’s never done before and takes Sergio’s advice.

“Excuse me?” Robin stares at him, looking surprised with a mixture of another emotion that Cesc can’t quite identify.

Cesc rubs the back of his neck, nervously. “Yeah.”

“A date? You’re serious?” Robin’s ears start to turn red and it’s something that Cesc has never seen before, which surprises him because they’ve known each other for so long he likes to think he knows every possible quirk about Robin.

“Uh-huh.”

Robin is quiet for awhile. “Okay. Well. Fine.” His ears are bright red by now, as he throws his books into his bag.

“Really?”

Robin stops, abruptly. “Yeah, why wouldn’t it be?” he says, a little stiffly. He slides his backpack on to his shoulder, and avoiding Cesc’s eyes, adds, “Enjoy your date.”

Łukasz comes up to him as Cesc watches Robin leave.

“Ready?” he asks.

Cesc frowns slightly. He isn’t sure what he was expecting, but that wasn’t it. “Yeah,” he says, smiling at Łukasz. “Let’s go.”

This is how their date goes:

Cesc spends most of his time talking about Robin. He tries to stop, but every time he opens his mouth it usually starts with, “Robin and I…” So eventually, he just lets Łukasz do the talking. Except he seems to be talking a lot about someone else too.

“Wait,” Cesc interrupts. “Wojciech…as in Szczęsny? That’s who you like?”

Łukasz stops. “What? No, I…” His voice trails off. “I like you.” He reaches across the table and hesitantly puts his hand on top of Cesc’s.

Cesc raises an eyebrow at that. He turns his hand palm-side up and curls his fingers around Łukasz’s. “You don’t.” Łukasz opens his mouth, but Cesc presses on. “It’s okay, I don’t really like you either.”

Łukasz looks genuinely surprised at that. “But you asked me out.”

Cesc blushes. “I know. Sorry. Someone told me I should try dating and you’re the only one I could actually picture dating without wanting to put my head through a wall.” He smirks. “Or yours.”

Łukasz laughs. “Thanks, I think.” He lets go of Cesc’s hand. “So what do we do now?”

Cesc shrugs. “We already have the movie tickets, we might as well go. Plus I can’t believe you’ve never seen Bambi. It’s a good thing this theatre is showing a Disney classic every month.”

Łukasz rolls his eyes. “I don’t believe it’s that good.”

Łukasz sniffles a lot during the movie, but Cesc pretends he doesn’t hear it. After the movie though, Cesc pats him on the cheek and says, “Aww, Bambi.” He laughs as Łukasz shoves him away.

Cesc doesn’t expect to see Robin until Monday. He had tried to call him before his date, but Kiki had said he wasn’t home. So he’s surprised to see him waiting by his front door.

“How was your date?” he asks.

“It was fun,” he says, as he opens his front door to let them both in.

Robin doesn’t say anything, and after awhile of staring at his door, Cesc turns around to see Robin awkwardly standing by the couch. He isn’t sure what to say, so he waits.

“Łukasz is a nice guy,” Robin says, finally. It’s a little stiff and tense, and it sounds more like a question.

“He is.”

There’s another awkward silence before Robin asks, “So should I be having a talk with him about how if he hurts my best friend I’ll hurt him?” He smiles slightly.

Cesc thinks about lying, but he’s tired and despite having a good time with Łukasz, he’s also sad because it wasn’t who he wanted to be with. “No,” he answers, tossing his keys on the table. “I appreciate the sentiment, but it isn’t necessary.”

After yet another long pause, Robin shakes his head. “You know, I don’t get it. You tried to kiss me but then you go out with someone else. Was the whole kissing thing really just a drunk thing?”

Cesc feels annoyed all of a sudden. “You shot me down.”

“I did not―” Robin shakes his head again. “You were drunk. I was being a good friend and stopping you from doing something you would probably regret. You think I didn’t want to?”

Cesc opens his mouth but then he shuts it. He tilts his head slightly, and takes a step towards Robin. “You wanted to kiss me?”

Robin lets out a sound of exasperation. “You were upset and drunk.I didn’t want to be a big drunk mistake.”

Cesc rolls his eyes. “Yeah, okay, I get it. I was drunk, you were a good little boy and tucked me into bed, my purity still intact blah blah blah. Can you answer my question now?”

“Question?”

“You wanted to kiss me?” Cesc is right in front of him now.

Robin makes a face at him. “No, you idiot. Not past tense. I still do.”

Cesc shakes his head. “You’re the idiot.” He closes the gap between them and presses his lips against Robin’s. It’s a little awkward because they’re both unsure and they both lean the same way. Cesc giggles a little then and tries again. They get the angle right this time.

“We’ve wasted so much time,” Cesc says, when they pull away.

Robin smiles. “Stop talking,” he says, grabbing the front of Cesc’s shirt and pulling him closer. It’s better, less awkward, more familiar. Robin lets go of Cesc’s shirt and he feels Cesc smiling against his lips, as his arms go around his neck. When Robin’s fingers slide into his hair, Cesc sighs and briefly thinks that he’s probably never been this content in his life.

When Cesc tells Sergio what Robin and him do over the weekend, Sergio sounds scandalized. “You are such a slut,” he says, sounding strangely proud.

“Judgment from Sergio Ramos,” Cesc says, looking up when he hears a knock on his bedroom door. “That’s interesting.” He smiles at Robin, who smiles back as he flops down on Cesc’s bed beside him.

“What is that supposed to mean?” Sergio demands.

Cesc glares at Robin as he presses his lips to Cesc’s neck. “I’m sure you’ve done worse with the raisin-lover,” he says, halfheartedly pushing at Robin as he trails kisses down to his shoulder and back up to his neck.

“I will have you know that we haven’t done anything. Besides kissing. And making out. Above the waist stuff.”

Cesc bites his lip as Robin’s hand slides under his shirt. “Don’t tell me Fernando is making an honest man out of you,” he says, finally.

“I think you should hang up,” Robin whispers, licking the shell of his ear.

Cesc whimpers slightly, but Sergio obviously doesn’t hear it as he sighs loudly. “Yes, we’re taking it slow. We…talk and stuff.”

“Prude.”

“I know,” Sergio says, sorrowfully. “Meanwhile you’re getting it on with Dutch Boy. How are you getting some and I’m not?”

Cesc mumbles something as Robin pulls at his shirt. He pulls away and glares at Robin, who raises an eyebrow at him.

“I can go,” he says, innocently.

Cesc makes a face at him. “I have to go,” he tells Sergio, hanging up before he can say anything else.

“Finally,” Robin says, pushing Cesc down on his bed.

“That was rude,” Cesc says, as he pulls Robin down towards him.

“What? We have a lot of time to make up for.”

Cesc smiles and leans up into the kiss. Robin makes a good point, who was he to argue?