eight letters i wish i could send
dear jack johnson,
please stop existing.
thanks so much, karlen
dear the masses,
please stop making stupid decisions. also, please stop believing that stupid things are cool and should be popular, such as suvs and jack johnson.
still hoping you'll come around, karlen
dear middle eastern nations,
good job on the burning of effigies. keep it up. it is a legitimate form of protest and who doesn't love lighting shit on fire?
best wishes, karlen
dear practitioners of cosmetic surgery,
if you thrust another of your god awful boob jobs in my face, i will break into your office and self immolate on your desk.
give it a rest already, karlen
dear movie industry,
unless you want a flaming bag of dog poop on your front porch, i suggest you stop making crappy remakes and sequels.
with a golden retriever and a book of matches, karlen
dear peter sarsgaard,
i want to bear your children.
hoping they get your looks, karlen
dear annoying saleswomen in department stores,
please stop trying to "help" me. you're actually deterring me from making purchases.
tone down the over-eagerness, karlen
dear the guy in the unnecessarily gigantic escalade with the spinning rims that tried to change lanes on mcmullen booth road yesterday but didn't realize that the area he was trying to move his big ass suv into was occupied by me and my tiny, economical ford, forcing me to swerve almost entirely off the road AND THEN gave me the finger because i guess it was all my fault,
what the fuck?
learn to drive, jackass, karlen