wax wings: two
October 2012
Gaskarth residence
Alex Gaskarth is sitting on the lawn in front of the house when it happens. He has a cold beer in one hand and a book-of-the-month plucked straight from the shelf at work, reading half-heartedly because his son is playing on the sidewalk in front of him. It’s been a week since the reunion, and his mind is still resolutely fixed on Jack. He doesn’t know why life should be so cruel - leaving Jack is the hardest thing he has ever had to do. Sometimes, in the heat of the moment, he has to bite his tongue to stop himself from saying Jack’s name when it is Jasey he’s with. It has always been Jack; that is how he manages to tolerate the once-weekly lovemaking sessions his wife subjects him to. He does not love her; he never has. After all, how could he possibly love her when his heart belongs to another? Thoughts of Jack overlap each other - his scent, his taste... And that’s the thing that is really bothering him - at the reunion, he was so, so careless. How could he possibly have thought that Jack would want to be around him after everything that had happened? He cannot get the memory of Jack’s body pressed against his own to leave his mind.
Does Jack know how badly he wanted to respond with, “I miss us, too”? But then he thought of Jasey and Pete; the thought of his son is enough to keep him grounded. Pete is eight years old, the spitting image of his father and just as much trouble as he had been at that age. Alex will never, ever do something to jeopardize Pete’s future. This is why, at the age of twenty-seven, he is the department manager for men’s fashions at Wal-Mart. It isn’t the greatest job in the world, but they have enough money to live. Jasey is in the kitchen, fixing lunch for their son. When he was seventeen, Alex never suspected he would end up in a loveless marriage, only staying for their child’s sake, but here he is. Sometimes he wonders if little Pete can see how much animosity has built up between the two of them. Sex is a chore; he thinks of Jack most nights Jasey forces him to perform on demand. He is slightly drunk - beer cans litter the dead grass beside his chair - and he is wondering if it would be a terrible idea to look up Jack’s phone number. What wouldn’t he give to feel passion again? That’s all he wants, really, to have Jack back in his arms. But they are strangers now, so to assume that Jack would even take him back is absurd. And he has Jasey and Pete to think of...
Suddenly, Jasey is flying out the front door, shouting something at him and little Pete is bleeding. Alex’s inebriated state prevents him from processing what is happening properly. “You were supposed to watch him,” Jasey shrieks. “I leave you alone with him for five minutes and look what happens!” Blood is streaming down Pete’s arm in volumes Alex doesn’t want to believe are possible.
“Jase,” he says hoarsely, taking the crying child in his arms, “Go start the car. Little Pete, c’mere. Let me see your arm, bro.” Using the tail of his shirt, he wipes away the blood and examines the wound. It’s not as deep as he had originally thought. There are little flecks of glass embedded in the skin, and Alex knows that it’s going to take a doctor’s precision to get them out. He decides that he is going to strangle whichever asshole left broken beer bottles where his son could get into them. In all the panic, somehow he manages to coax Pete into the car and convinces the boy to stop crying. His overprotective instinct has kicked in; he is prepared to maim someone should anything happen to his baby. “Hey, bro,” he says once they are on their way to the hospital. “What were you doin’ playing with broken glass? That’s a dumb thing to do.”
Pete shrugs. “It was shiny,” the boy confesses shyly. His large brown eyes are full of tears. “It didn’t look that sharp, either. Is Mom mad at me?”
“No,” Alex shakes his head. “She’s pretty pi - she’s pretty mad at me, though. I was supposed to be watchin’ you and I was thinking about other things. I’m sorry, bro. You’re going to need some stitches.” It never fails to amaze him how calm his son can be, even when he’s in obvious pain. He reaches out and ruffles the boy’s unkempt brown hair, so much like his own. “I love you, Petey.”
Much to Jasey’s chagrin, Pete announces, “I think stitches are pretty cool.”
“Don’t say that,” she says through clenched teeth. She is so angry. Alex can’t remember the last time she smiled; her face is usually contorted into a frown or, occasionally, a sneer. They make it to the hospital and breeze through the emergency room in record time - this much, at least, is a relief given the steady trickle of blood from Pete’s left arm. Alex is pressing a dirty t-shirt he found in the car to Pete’s arm to stop the flow, but there is already a dark red stain blossoming on the light-coloured fabric. A nurse wearing lavender scrubs leads the family into one of the small examination rooms and promises that a doctor will be with them in a few minutes. It’s then that Alex realizes something: Jack, his father or one of his siblings is more than likely on call today. All four of them are doctors, and he remembers from high school that all doctors are required to do hours in the emergency room each week to provide adequate staffing and relieve the full-timers.
Jack’s father materializes a few moments later, as promised, and Alex is immensely glad. He’s not sure he could face Jack’s eyes; Jack still does not know the real reason he married Jasey Rae. It wasn’t out of any sort of love for her - Christ, he hates her probably more than he has ever hated anyone his whole life - but rather out of a sense of duty to his unborn child, as well as his family. Bassam Barakat, bless his tender heart, has never breathed a word to Jack for eight years, despite being the attending physician when Jasey gave birth. He owes Jack’s father a great deal. “Hello, Alex,” the doctor says curtly. “Oh, this doesn’t look very good.” Very quickly, Pete’s arm is clean and stitched up good as new, and the boy is examining them excitedly.
“Thank you, Dr. B,” Alex says. He has an incredible urge to hug the man. Instead, they shake hands stiffly, each avoiding the other’s eyes.
Dr. Barakat says, “Bring him by the clinic next week and you can get those removed.” He ignores Jasey completely, which pleases Alex in a twisted sort of way. She humphs loudly enough to get the attention of both men, but neither of them responds to her pissy attitude. “He takes after you, doesn’t he?” Alex nods, staring at the ground. He really wants to go home. Sometimes being a parent sucks; Jasey is going to be so angry at him later. His wife doesn’t understand what it is like to be a little boy, accident-prone and unafraid of the world. There are so many parts of himself that he cannot share with her - so many things he has buried for her sake and for Pete’s. She didn’t speak to him for days after the reunion. If that’s what simply hugging another man will do, then Alex doesn’t want to imagine what it would be like if he actually left her. He would probably never see his son again, and he can’t allow that to happen.
The drive home is marked by silence; Pete is staring vacantly out the window, daydreaming. Alex watches him, unwilling to meet his wife’s cold blue eyes. Jasey’s fingers drum on the steering wheel irritably. He wonders what it would be like if he left her - what he would do, where he would live. Would he still be allowed to see little Pete? Probably not, knowing how vindictive Jasey can be. She’d revoke visitation rights as soon as she even suspected Alex was dating someone else. And if that person just so happened to be male? Well, he could kiss ever getting to see his son goodbye. He’ll just have to live with her whether he likes it or not. Maybe he’ll have a boys’ night... Anything, as long as it lets him clear his head. But Jasey disapproves of Zack and Rian - thinks they’re a negative influence on Pete’s development. Their relationship is a hell of a lot more stable than his own, though, so Alex makes a point of bringing them around as often as possible so that his son can have at least some idea of what a loving relationship looks like.
Once Pete is tucked into bed later, Jasey corners him in the kitchen. “How could you be so fucking irresponsible?” she hisses, turning on him with icy eyes.
“I didn’t, Jasey, I swear I wasn’t - I looked away for a second!” he says defensively. Despite towering over her small frame, she has the power to render him defenceless with one glance. “You always make me out to be the shit parent, but you’re the one who makes me do all the boring stuff that you don’t want to do.”
“You act like I got pregnant on purpose,” she counters.
Alex draws in a deep breath. “Well, it’s not like you gave me much choice in the matter, considering you ignored the problem until it was too late and then dropped this fucking bombshell on me. That wasn’t fair, Jasey. You knew for three fucking months before you even told me. I stayed with you thinking that I was doing the right thing, and you know it killed me to do that. All I ever get is you fucking criticizing me, and I’m sick of it. If you can’t treat me like a fucking partner - for our fucking child’s sake - then why the fuck do you stay?” When she doesn’t answer, he says, “That’s right. Because you’ve been bouncing from job to job for the past five years, right? The right career will just magically fall into your lap one day? Newsflash, Jase. Happiness doesn’t just happen to people. You have to make it happen. And all you’re doing right now is making everyone miserable.”
“This is about him, isn’t it?” she says wryly. “You’d better not choose him over me, Alexander. If you do, so help me, I will make sure you never see our son again. I don’t want him exposed to that kind of perverted influence. You’ve gotten so much better, Alex. Don’t throw all that away because of a temptation.”
“You’re lucky I’m not tempted to hit you right now, Jase. You rag on me all the time, you rag on my friends, and I’m sick of it. You don’t think Petey notices his daddy drinking himself to sleep every night? He’s not a baby anymore. He notices things, and the way we’re acting hurts him too.”
“If being with me is so fucking unbearable, then maybe you should just leave!”
They go through this routine at least once a week, but tonight something feels different. Alex looks at his wife, her cold, calculating eyes and frowning face. He can’t stay with her anymore. So he stands up to his full height of six feet and brushes past her into their shared bedroom, stuffing clothes into a duffel bag quickly. “You’re right, Jasey,” he says quietly. “Maybe I should leave.” He slings the bag over his shoulder and pockets his wallet. Before he can change his mind, he’s walking out the front door and fumbling with his car keys in the dark. The memory of Jack’s slender body in his arms is all it takes for him to decide that he’s leaving her for good. He has left before, of course, but usually only for one night - two at most, maybe, when things get really bad. In a few years, he hopes that Pete will understand why he needs to do this.
It’s sunrise before he stops driving, finally parking his car on the pier so that he can sleep. He will sleep in his car for a few hours before showing up to work, he thinks to himself, and after that he will go to Zack and Rian’s to sort out the rest of his life. Although, honestly, he’s dreading the hours upon hours of folding and sorting clothing by colour just to make minimum wage. He wants to get a transfer to electronics, but he knows it will never happen. Nothing good ever comes to Alex Gaskarth - the last good thing in his life walked away nine years ago, only hours after he found out that Jasey was pregnant. Jack probably won’t take him back. Hell, Alex isn’t even sure he can forgive himself for everything.