wax wings: five
December 2012
Baltimore, MD
Alex can’t help occasionally leaning over to kiss Jack’s cheek while the band plays. They really aren’t very good - local bands usually aren’t - but he’d thought it would be a cute idea to take Jack to the club they snuck into on their first date. He’s ignoring the dirty looks from the other patrons; all that matters to him is seeing Jack smile. They’re leaning against the back wall, holding hands, and that’s enough for the moment. It’s already going a lot better than their first date from ten years ago. When they had come the first time, Alex had been so nervous he’d been unable to speak for most of the night, and then when the final band came onstage he had gotten a strange rush of confidence, grabbed Jack, and kissed him in front of everyone. Within twenty-four hours, everyone in school was talking about them; the rumours ranged from them making out onstage to giving each other head in the bathroom. It hadn’t been anything remotely close to that. Alex had been so embarrassed afterward that he’d barely been able to make eye contact with Jack, and they didn’t speak again until after lunch the next day when Jack finally tired of all the awkwardness and kissed him in the hallway before English class.
Jack leans up and whispers in his ear. “What’re you thinking about?”
“You, mostly,” he replies, sliding his arm around Jack’s waist and kissing the top of his head. “I’m also thinking that this band is not very good and that we were total shitheads when we were younger.” They stand like that a moment before Jack leans up to press his lips to Alex’s.
“I was thinking about doing that,” says Jack. “You’re a lot different than you used to be.”
Alex shrugs. “So are you... I mean, I never would’ve pictured you as a doctor in high school. I always thought you would end up playing in a band or something. You wanted to learn to play guitar so badly... Tell me, Dr. Barakat, what have you been doing with yourself since high school? I know you went to California for university, but that’s about it...”
“You’re trying to ask me if there was anyone else.” The bluntness of Jack’s words catches him off-guard, like a kick in the ribs. He’s been trying to think of a way to phrase the question for the past fifteen minutes; it’s really been bothering him since the moment he saw Jack and he’s not sure he’s prepared to know the answer. He does not want to picture Jack with someone else. The awkward pause tells him that there probably was someone - Jack’s just looking for a way to let him down gently. Paranoia has snuck up on him. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if this doesn’t work out. He’s leaving his wife - the mother of his child - for his ex-boyfriend, but does Jack even want him? “I dated a bit,” Jack says, “but nothing serious. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t stop comparing guys to you for some stupid reason.”
Alex stands there, stunned. “Jack, I...” He wants so badly to lean in and kiss the younger man, but he also knows that it’s probably not the best idea in their current surroundings. There are a lot of high school kids milling about - he was young once, he remembers what it’s like to sneak in to see a friend’s band play - and he doesn’t want to risk getting thrown out for causing a disturbance. “I’ve missed you so much,” he says finally.
Jack murmurs, “This probably isn’t the best place to talk... You wanna get out of here?”
“I - Uh, yeah, if you want to...” Alex stammers. “Isn’t this what happened last time?” He follows Jack back to the car, wishing he had worn something a little warmer once the cold air sinks into his bones. “So... what now?” he asks, feeling stupid. This has to be one of the worst dates in all of history... They stayed at the club for less than an hour, and they’ve barely gotten to talk at all. Is this what their relationship has been reduced to - physical attraction and nothing more? He can’t accept that this feeling in his heart is only lust. But he can’t lie to himself; it’s becoming more and more obvious that Jack doesn’t feel the same. He stays silent for the duration of the drive, surprised when they pull up to Jack’s apartment complex. “I thought we were...”
“I kind of thought you might be a little more comfortable doing this at my apartment,” Jack says softly. “Unless you don’t want to, I mean...” He keeps the engine running, but puts the parking brake on.
Alex shakes his head quickly. “N-no, I want to keep talking, just... Your sister kind of, um, really hates my guts and I’m pretty sure she’ll try to kill me on sight.” He does not relish the idea of facing May Barakat’s disapproving eyes; it’s been bad enough seeing her around town when he is with Jasey and Pete. It’s fairly obvious how she feels about him. Alex isn’t sure what Joe’s opinion of him is. The eldest Barakat sibling has always been sort of detached from the rest of the family - May has always been the controlling one, but Joe is about as laid-back as they come.
Jack grins. “Would I really go to all the trouble of bringing you back here if she was home? I didn’t tell them I was going out with you, so she and Joe have ‘conveniently’ gone to visit our parents for the night.” He slides his fingers between Alex’s coyly. “Come on, I didn’t spend an hour listening to equivalent of audio bile just to drive you home afterward. We can watch Home Alone and, um, we’ll talk.”
“Still your favourite movie, huh?” Alex chuckles.
“Shut up,” Jack mutters darkly. “It’s a good movie! If you’d ever stop trying to distract me from watching it, you’d know.” He lets go of Alex’s hand just long enough to unlock the door to his apartment. Once they’re inside, he drops his keys on the coffee table and pulls Alex onto the couch beside him. “Just because there are no explosions in a movie doesn’t make it bad...”
Alex rolls his eyes. “I’m willing to admit that I have a greater appreciation for Macaulay Culkin’s acting skills after eight years of Land Before Time movies. Seriously, you’d think they would have gotten hit by a fucking asteroid after twelve instalments of the same goddamn thing. I still don’t know if Littlefoot is a boy or a girl... I fucking hate dinosaurs now.” He sighs contentedly when Jack snuggles into his chest. “I missed this.”
“Me too,” Jack replies. The movie starts and Jack shushes him, but that does nothing to deter him from sneaking the occasional peek at the younger man’s face as time goes by. Jack just looks so cute mouthing his favourite lines, burying his face in Alex’s shoulder during the parts he hates even though he knows that they’re coming. By the halfway point, Alex has given up on watching the movie in favour of watching Jack instead. It’s not like they’re doing anything particularly exciting - they’re just cuddling on Jack’s couch - but Alex feels more content with his lot in life than he has in a very long time. “Hey,” Jack says. “You’re supposed to be watching the movie, not me.”
“But you’re so much more interesting,” Alex mumbles.
Jack sighs, “Old habits die hard,” and leans up to kiss him. Alex kisses back, losing track of whose hands are going where in his desire to pull Jack on top of him, to be closer, to get more delicious contact between them. He ends up with Jack in his lap, straddling him as they kiss passionately, and it feels as if all of his skin has been set on fire. Jack breaks the kiss, biting and sucking at his neck while he works Alex’s shirt open. Alex lets go of him only long enough to shrug out of the garment, not noticing where it lands because he’s too busy trying to undress his - what are they, exactly? Does it matter? It’s been so long since he’s been touched like this; it’s been so long since he’s been with someone and felt this good.
“I love you,” he pants, tugging at the tail of Jack’s shirt impatiently. Jack pulls the dark grey polo off and Alex promptly attacks the soft skin underneath, not caring that he’s probably leaving marks. “I love you so much, let me show...” He groans loudly as Jack’s hips press against his roughly, losing his train of thought.
Jack cuts him off with a kiss. “Bedroom?” Alex stares at him with wide, disbelieving eyes until he leans in for another kiss. “Lex, I love you too, but I’d rather not have my siblings come home to a living room full of our clothes. So bedroom, yeah?”
Alex takes a shaky breath, weighing his words carefully. “I think we should take things slow,” he says. “Obviously, I’m still stupidly fucking attracted to you, but if we keep this up the same thing is going to happen to us again. I don’t, I don’t want to just love you, Jack. I want us to be in love... like we used to be. So maybe we should slow down a little bit, you know, and talk some more before we get too... carried away.” The words don’t sound any more convincing out of his mouth than they had been in his head. Jack pecks him on the lips lightly, trailing soft fingers up and down his side.
“Is that - do you not want to?” Jack worries.
Alex kisses his temple. “I absolutely want to,” he says. “More than anything, I just... I want this to work out so badly. We’re not teenagers anymore; we don’t have to rush or sneak around. I mean, we can take our time now.” He really hopes that the message he’s trying to convey is coming across properly; it’s hard to tell when Jack is still straddling him and looking at him with lust-filled eyes. “Alright,” he sighs. “Bedroom it is.” And he can’t help feeling nervous, because the last time they did this - if it even goes that far - was the day before everything fell apart. He has a lot to make up for.
They barely make it into the room before Jack is fumbling with his belt buckle and trying to pull him onto the bed. “I want you,” Jack breathes. “It’s been too long.” And that’s all it takes - he’s putty in Jack’s hands. They make out for a while longer before shedding everything but their underwear. It’s a little embarrassing; Jack looks hotter than ever and Alex feels intensely ashamed of the little beer belly that has started developing over the past few months, his chest hair, everything. “I love you,” says Jack.
Alex says, “I love you, too. Is this - do you want to?” he asks awkwardly. He really doesn’t know how to express his feelings at this point - his head is full of want and desire and need and longing and all the sadness that has built up over nine and a half years.
Jack bites his lip and shakes his head shyly. “I - can we slow down? You’re right, this is too fast...”
It would be a lie to say that Alex isn’t disappointed, but to his credit, he does not leave after this statement. Ten years ago, maybe he would’ve left. He instead wraps his arms around Jack loosely and says, “Whatever you want, I guess. I can wait.” Yeah, he’s going to have a lot of explaining to do when he gets home, but for the moment it doesn’t matter. A few love bites is nothing compared to the feeling of having Jack in his arms again, of knowing that Jack loves him still. They end up talking most of the night, cuddling and exchanging soft kisses, and it’s about as close to perfect as Alex can imagine. He slips out before the Barakat siblings arrive the next morning with a hint of remorse - he’d wanted to stay in bed and hold Jack a while longer - and prepares to face his wife and son. Even with the collar of his shirt popped, the dark purple marks on his neck are obvious. He doesn’t know what he is going to say to Pete if he asks about them. Jasey is easy to deal with; he’ll tell her the truth and that will be that.
And of course as soon as he walks through that front door, his son is climbing all over him, asking question after question after question. Once his initial interrogation ends, he thinks he might be in the clear, but then Pete peers at him suspiciously and asks, “What happened to your neck, Dad?”
“I got in a fight with a tyrannosaurus, bro,” he replies. He ignores the dirty look he receives from Jasey and leans down to hug his son. “Hey Petey? I love you, little man.”