sweetness [1/?]
This isn't really a series, per say, rather a bunch of connected drabbles that tell a story. I found them on my laptop, and I believe I started writing them in early spring 2010, pre-coin operated boy. So these are fairly old, I suppose. Also: the subheading before each drabble contains lyrics from the song Sweetness by Jimmy Eat World, which is why I think these were written in the spring. I feel it's necessary to warn you, the reader, that these drabbles do contain heavy references to eating disorders and there's an attempted suicide by a main character. Read at your own risk.
i.
if you're listening, sing it back
It rained the day Alex showed up on his doorstep, soaking wet and shivering. Without having to ask, Rian knew that they’d been fighting again. They always were, Alex and Jack, and Rian doubted whether Jack actually loved Alex half as much as he claimed he did. Alex was so fragile these days. He was getting thinner, and it worried Rian, weighing him down much like the way he imagined the weight of the world did Atlas. Did Jack even notice how little his boyfriend ate? The way he looked so small and frail, bundled up in baggy pants and over-sized hoodies? He took Alex into his arms, as always, holding the boy to his chest. Rian kissed the top of his head, trying to soothe him.
The shaggy-haired brunette shivered helplessly as he sobbed into Rian’s chest. “I hate him,” he whimpered. “I don’t even want to go back.” Rian said nothing, only rubbed his best friend’s back in small circles. “You’re so nice, Ri.”
“So’re you, ‘Lex.” The familiar nickname elicited a tiny smile from the crying boy in his arms. And in Alex’s soft brown eyes, Rian saw perfection, though Alex didn’t yet see it himself. He always had. So, like the good friend that he was - and nothing more, he reminded himself bitterly - he led Alex into the apartment, gave him dry clothes and a hug, and sat with him until the sobbing stopped. Alex fit perfectly in his arms, but he only allowed himself to indulge that thought for a moment. Jack would be calling soon - to make sure his boyfriend was okay or to beg Alex to take him back - Rian didn’t know which. As much as he ached to listen in on their conversation, he didn’t, instead watching the television, focusing hard.
When Alex smiled again, it was like his whole world stopped. Even though it was for the wrong person, the weight lifted, if only for a moment. Then Rian remembered his reality - that at the end of the night, Alex would go home to the person that made him this way. He would go home to the person that made him miserable - the person that he claimed to love most of all. Rian sighed, loosened his grip on the younger boy, and watched sadly as he walked back out the door into the cold night. It broke his heart to see Alex like this for two reasons - first, because he was completely, wholly in love with the boy, and second, because he could see his best friend deteriorating before his eyes and could do nothing to stop it from happening.
If he’d had the chance - or the balls - he would have taken Alex’s face in his hands and kissed him. He would have told Alex the truth - that he was fucking beautiful, that he didn’t need to starve himself for people to love him - and he would not have let Alex leave. Rian was a coward, letting him walk out like that every time. God, he wished with everything in him that he had the courage to say something. The most beautiful boy in the world was also the saddest person he knew, and he hated Jack for what he did. Killing something beautiful like that piece by piece should be against the wall, Rian decided. He was still bitter when he crawled into bed later that night, alone. And he wouldn’t allow himself to picture it - wouldn’t allow him to think of Jack with Alex under him, writhing and moaning, alive with a spark like electricity. He wouldn’t allow himself to picture Alex after, panting and looking absolutely wrecked.
i.
if you're listening, sing it back
It rained the day Alex showed up on his doorstep, soaking wet and shivering. Without having to ask, Rian knew that they’d been fighting again. They always were, Alex and Jack, and Rian doubted whether Jack actually loved Alex half as much as he claimed he did. Alex was so fragile these days. He was getting thinner, and it worried Rian, weighing him down much like the way he imagined the weight of the world did Atlas. Did Jack even notice how little his boyfriend ate? The way he looked so small and frail, bundled up in baggy pants and over-sized hoodies? He took Alex into his arms, as always, holding the boy to his chest. Rian kissed the top of his head, trying to soothe him.
The shaggy-haired brunette shivered helplessly as he sobbed into Rian’s chest. “I hate him,” he whimpered. “I don’t even want to go back.” Rian said nothing, only rubbed his best friend’s back in small circles. “You’re so nice, Ri.”
“So’re you, ‘Lex.” The familiar nickname elicited a tiny smile from the crying boy in his arms. And in Alex’s soft brown eyes, Rian saw perfection, though Alex didn’t yet see it himself. He always had. So, like the good friend that he was - and nothing more, he reminded himself bitterly - he led Alex into the apartment, gave him dry clothes and a hug, and sat with him until the sobbing stopped. Alex fit perfectly in his arms, but he only allowed himself to indulge that thought for a moment. Jack would be calling soon - to make sure his boyfriend was okay or to beg Alex to take him back - Rian didn’t know which. As much as he ached to listen in on their conversation, he didn’t, instead watching the television, focusing hard.
When Alex smiled again, it was like his whole world stopped. Even though it was for the wrong person, the weight lifted, if only for a moment. Then Rian remembered his reality - that at the end of the night, Alex would go home to the person that made him this way. He would go home to the person that made him miserable - the person that he claimed to love most of all. Rian sighed, loosened his grip on the younger boy, and watched sadly as he walked back out the door into the cold night. It broke his heart to see Alex like this for two reasons - first, because he was completely, wholly in love with the boy, and second, because he could see his best friend deteriorating before his eyes and could do nothing to stop it from happening.
If he’d had the chance - or the balls - he would have taken Alex’s face in his hands and kissed him. He would have told Alex the truth - that he was fucking beautiful, that he didn’t need to starve himself for people to love him - and he would not have let Alex leave. Rian was a coward, letting him walk out like that every time. God, he wished with everything in him that he had the courage to say something. The most beautiful boy in the world was also the saddest person he knew, and he hated Jack for what he did. Killing something beautiful like that piece by piece should be against the wall, Rian decided. He was still bitter when he crawled into bed later that night, alone. And he wouldn’t allow himself to picture it - wouldn’t allow him to think of Jack with Alex under him, writhing and moaning, alive with a spark like electricity. He wouldn’t allow himself to picture Alex after, panting and looking absolutely wrecked.