you're aces, kid. [1/3]
Prequel: Play Crack the Sky
He figures it out right there in the middle of his Organic Biology lecture. It’s such a jarring realization that he sits there for a minute, shakes his head, and whispers in this very small, very shy voice, “That’s me.” When he looks down he sees that his hand has slipped and he’s just drawn a line down half of his page of notes. Vinny turns and looks at him sceptically, like, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Quickly - almost too quickly - he covers by saying, “Fascinating, isn’t it?” Which - if it had been anyone else - wouldn’t have passed as the truth; the only reason he pulls it off at all is because Vinny is only taking Organic Bio so he can ogle the T.A. because he’s got a massive crush on her. The only reason Grieco is in the class is to fulfill his science credit requirement for graduation and all of the interesting science electives filled up too quickly. So instead they’re both in the most boring, textbook-based course in the world, and of course there aren’t even any interesting labs to do or diagrams to look at. He’s not especially good friends with Vinny, exactly, they just know a lot of the same people.
For the rest of the hour he just sits there staring at the word hastily scribbled on the page and feels a sinking sensation in his gut. ASEXUAL, it says, in shaky block letters. And he feels strangely guilty about it, like a glaring neon sign that blinks on and off shouting ‘Alex Grieco is not like everyone else! He’s an asexual freak!’ He feels kind of empty inside. Maybe there’s something wrong with him, but he’s never really thought about the future in terms of finding someone and settling down and getting married or anything. Why would he? So he sits there and watches Vinny watching the girl he likes so much, and he wonders what it’s like to feel that way about someone. Because Vinny doesn’t really know her, of course. He finds her attractive. On an aesthetic level, maybe she is, but Grieco doesn’t see it. She has a symmetric face. Her hair is long and shiny. She wears the same kinds of clothes that other girls wear. He doesn’t really see anything that remarkable about her. There’s no magic in the way her leggings cling to her or the plaid shirt-dress flapping around her legs gracelessly. He doesn’t feel a quickening of his pulse when she bends over like he knows Vinny does. It’s... nothing.
When they’re walking out of the lecture hall, Vinny elbows him and says, “Damn, she looked hot today, am I right?” He just shrugs helplessly. Most of their friends think he’s gay because of his very obvious lack of interest in the female form. And he used to think that, too, until he realized that he also has a distinct lack of interest in penises or any type of... orifice in general.
“I didn’t really notice,” he answers simply. He fumbles with the straps of his backpack awkwardly, waiting for Vinny to get distracted by something else as they head toward the dorms. And already he’s thinking about the things he needs to do when they get back - pick up his sticks, change into something more comfortable for his afternoon classes - instead of paying attention to Vinny’s running commentary on a sex scene in this movie they watched in his film class. He’s excited, actually, about the afternoon and drumming. Maybe a little nervous, too, but he always gets nervous when he has to drum in front of people. Especially people he really admires, one of whom is in that class and basically makes him feel like he’s a little kid banging away on his mother’s pots and pans still. It’s a bit complicated considering they’re friends, too.
Not for the first time, he wonders if this means he has a crush on Rian, but idly dismisses it due to the fact that the attraction seems to be more envy than... physical attraction. He asks Vinny, “What does it feel like to have a crush on a girl?”
Vinny scratches his chin thoughtfully. “I dunno, dude... When you think she’s pretty or hot or whatever and you like being around her, I guess. You just get that... warm and fuzzy feeling, you know? Like butterflies and shit, that sort of thing. You know what I mean, right?”
He fights the urge to shake his head and say ‘No, I don’t, actually’, instead shrugging and replying, “Sure, I guess.” He tosses a new box of sticks in his backpack and changes into a pair of baggy shorts. As an afterthought, he slicks on a fresh coat of deodorant so he won’t embarrass himself by sweating through yet another t-shirt. Maybe he’ll take Rian’s advice and cut the sleeves off some of his shirts so he can move easier; he’s sort of loath to take his shirt off in the middle of class because it seems weirdly sexual even though they’re all just there to drum. The thought makes him feel awkward. The word ASEXUAL! ASEXUAL! ASEXUAL! blinks like a homing beacon behind his eyelids, and he suddenly feels a wave of self-consciousness hit him full force. It seems like everyone wants to have sex but him. The eyes of the pin-ups taped up on Vinny’s side of the room seem to be mocking him, coupled with their salacious grins and allegedly seductive posturing. He’d rather own the cars they’re leaning over, to be honest, than to possess the women themselves.
Vinny claps a hand on his shoulder, squeezes, and says, “You’ll find someone.” It’s really not very comforting. He doesn’t want to find someone. The idea that he needs to be OMG!In-a-Relationship and having sex to be complete kind of offends him. To pull a phrase from his best friend’s Disneyfied vocabulary, he can slay his own dragons, thank you very much.
&
Rian walks to the music building with his best friends, slightly annoyed that it takes them twice as long to get there since Jack and Alex insist on doing everything together and they keep pausing to make out against every possible surface. He can’t be too annoyed, though, because he’s got two hours of drumming to look forward to, with the added bonus of seeing Grieco, also known as the other Alex in their little group. And seeing Grieco always puts him in a stupidly good mood. Jack and Alex know this and totally capitalize on it. Grinning like the Cheshire Cat, Jack says, “So I see you’ve brought your new sticks for this afternoon’s session.”
He shrugs, trying to remain nonchalant. “I felt like experimenting with thickness a little bit,” he explains. Alex and Jack exchange A Look; Alex starts giggling so hard because of it that he has to press his face into Jack’s shoulder. The double entendre was completely - well, mostly - unintentional. “Not like that! Oh my God.” It’s not exactly a secret, Rian’s massive crush on Grieco, but thus far he has managed to keep it under wraps. Just... sometimes he’ll put on a decent pair of shorts before their Thursday class and he always gets there exactly early enough to make the fact that they always sit together look completely unintentional and coincidental.
“I like experimenting with Alex’s thickness,” Jack smirks.
Rian makes a face and grumbles “... Yeah, the one time he let you bottom and you told everyone who would listen about it. Twice.” He considers hitting Jack with his sticks but decides not to in the interest of keeping them in one piece. Gaskarth is a territorial little bitch when it comes to his boyfriend. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees a familiar body headed into the studio, so he quickly says goodbye to his friends and jogs off to catch up. “Grieco! Hey,” he says breathlessly, fighting the urge - as he is often struck with it - to grab the younger man and hug him tight. Grieco rewards him with a shy smile.
“Mm, I’m guessing Dumb & Dumber are the reason you’re running late again?” Grieco guesses. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, they are some of my best friends, but watching them suck face constantly is getting real old.”
He rolls his eyes and mutters, “Just be glad you don’t have to live with them.” Through the windows of the atrium, he can see Jack and Alex making kissy faces at them and one obscene gesture from Jack that may or may not be directed towards him. To change the subject, he shows Grieco his new sticks and says, “Pretty cool, huh? Picked ‘em up yesterday and haven’t gotten a chance to try them out yet.”
“Oh, dude, dude, those are so sweet,” Grieco gushes. “You have to let me know how they feel, I’ve been looking for good sticks forever and nothing seems quite right so far. And you have to promise to let me use your employee discount since we’re, like, drum bros. Or, you could let me come visit you at work like you keep promising so I can try those babies out myself.” Rian has to will himself not to blush, not to read too far into that because they are Just Friends, capital J, capital F. Grieco’s probably straight.
“Yeah,” he says. “Come visit me next week and I’ll hook you up with some sweet testers we just got in. And you know you can show up at the house whenever if you want to, like, jam with me sometime. The noise usually scares Jack and Alex away so you don’t have to worry about seeing, um... that.” He’s trying, very subtly, to ask Grieco if he’s okay with... that. It’s a hopeless endeavour, but seriously? The boy is too cute not to at least try. Ever since the first day of classes he’s had this huge crush - like, ever since Grieco walked into the music building twenty minutes early with his hair still wet from the shower, looking terrified, and stopped to ask him if he was in the right place. And he stood there, stunned, for a minute, because this gorgeous creature with the big brown eyes and flawless skin was actually talking to him.
So he’s a little bit surprised when Grieco hip-checks him and says, “I see how it is, you just want me to scare them away so you can have a little peace and quiet. You should ask Danny if he’ll come over and we can try kind of a jam band thing.” Which leaves Rian feeling more than a little deflated during the first hour, because of course the one time he actually gathers the courage to ask Grieco to hang out - just the two of them, anyway - the point gets completely lost in translation. He seriously considers paying Jack and Alex to take Danny out to the bar so he will be therefore unavailable for any and all future jam sessions, and this time it has way less to do with the fact that he kind of wants to make out with Grieco and more to do with the fact that he’s not convinced that Danny isn’t going to try to, like, put the moves on Grieco himself. Not that Danny isn’t a nice person; he totally is, it’s just that his brain goes into this kind of crazy-competitive overdrive whenever someone expresses interest in his crush. In other words, Rian Dawson equals jealous bitch.
&
Grieco doesn’t watch football with the rest of the gang simply because they all cheer for the Ravens. So, every Sunday, he goes to his best friend’s place so that they can watch the Eagles walk all over the Ravens in peace. Matt Flyzik revels in his rebellion from the group, proudly wearing his jersey to classes and carrying on heated debates with Danny in the cafeteria over the merits of each team. It’s kind of funny because Kurily gets so flustered whenever Matt’s around, whereas normally he can tend to be a bit of an arrogant jerk. Naturally, he’s kind of surprised when Danny turns up to Matt’s that Sunday, proudly wearing his Ravens jersey un-ironically with his designer jeans and Louis Vuitton belt - the one that Alex never fails to rib him about owning. He sees the way the two look at each other, and there’s that word again, tattooed permanently on the insides of his eyelids as a reminder of all the things wrong with him. ASEXUAL. The word sticks on his tongue every time he so much as tries to say it out loud. He’s been very careful to avoid thinking about it too much.
He likes Danny because the guy always brings the best beer to every party and he makes no pretences about the fact that his family is loaded. And Matt? He likes Danny because... Well, Grieco is not entirely sure. Considering all they ever do is argue, he’s not quite sure where the attraction lies in carrying on such a friendship. Maybe there’s something to that old adage that opposites attract after all. Matt used to be in a punk band and he’s got a lip ring; Danny, on the other hand, went to private school and completely shocked his parents when he announced he was going to be a music major. “Ready to watch the Eagles lose?” Danny asks, tugging the tail of Matt’s shirt playfully.
“Eat shit, Kurily,” Matt retorts, ducking past Danny and piling onto the couch next to Grieco. A moment later Danny joins them, taking great care to jostle Matt and generally annoy him as much as possible - the kind of teasing that would be irritating as hell if they weren’t friends. It’s not until after halftime that Grieco figures out it’s intentional, and then he feels like an awkward third wheel since he can tell that his friends are obviously interested in each other. He’s not sure if he’s supposed to leave so they can have at it or not... For that matter, he’s not really sure what ‘it’ is but he’s got this uncomfortable feeling that, were he not there, they’d probably be making out or something. And he’s almost positive that Matt used his presence as a buffer on purpose to make it less awkward, with the consequence of having made it much more awkward in the process.
So he does the only thing he can think of under the circumstances to make it easier on all three of them. He says, “Hey, I think I’m gonna drop by Rian’s for a bit. I wanted to ask him about those sticks he promised me on Friday.”
“... On a Sunday night?” Danny asks suspiciously.
He nods. “Yeah, he wanted me to drop by the store next week so he could show me some new sticks they got in or something so I wanted to see if he knows what his schedule is yet.” Matt mouths the words ‘I owe you’. He mouths back, ‘You owe me big for this’. So he grabs his stuff, pulls on his shoes, and walks the short distance to Rian’s house under the sinking sun. The thing about his situation - he wills himself not to put too much thought into it - is that, even though he’s not particularly interested in sex, he’s also not completely naive. He’s smart enough to realize when two people are into each other and when he should take it upon himself to leave and give them some privacy. And besides that, he probably should drop by Rian’s anyway. He’s been meaning to all week but hasn’t really had the time.
Evan’s car is in the driveway when he gets there, so the game mustn’t have ended yet. He hesitates for about a minute before deciding to just walk right in. Jack and Alex, as always, have taken up residence in the armchair, occasionally taking a break from making out to check in with the game. Vinny and Evan are having an alcohol-fuelled heart to heart conversation on the couch, and Rian’s hanging out in the kitchen talking to the girls, who catch sight of him first. “Grieco!” Cassadee squeals, running over to give him an exuberant hug. Lisa and Kara just kind of sigh and look at each other; the feminine mystique will continue to elude him despite the growing number of female friends he has. It could also be that neither of them like her, but he’s not going to involve himself in the world of girl politics since that confuses him almost as much as sex does.
Rian grins at him - and Rian has the nicest smile in the entire world, honestly - and greets him with, “I see you’ve defected to the winning side, finally,” before swallowing him in a hug.
He says, “Nah, I just thought I’d leave Flyzik and Kurily to figure their whole deal out. I was feeling a little third-wheelish. I’ve also come to find out your work schedule for next week so I can reserve several hours of your time for my very own, if that’s okay with you. I thought we could jam for a while and then maybe play Nazi zombies.”
“That’s more than okay with me, especially if you’re bringing Nazi zombies. You’re not allowed to complain when I beat you at Mario Kart, though.”
Feeling his cheeks heat up slightly, Grieco retorts, “You cheat every time! That’s not a fair assessment of my skills! I demand a rematch and someone to watch so you can’t use your dirty tricks on me this time.” The girls have, by this point, gotten tired of listening to their discussion of video games, so it’s just him and Rian in the kitchen. Not that there’s anything wrong with that; it’s that he doesn’t understand the way Rian looks at him sometimes and half the time their conversations leave him feeling more confused than anything. Rian teases him, but it’s... different. It defies explanation. They make plans for the next week and he ends up walking back to campus with Vinny.
Vinny goes, “You know Cassadee has a huge crush on you, right?”
Which is something he didn’t know because he’d never thought about it. The word practically blinks in front of his eyes. ASEXUAL. ASEXUAL. He doesn’t think about stuff like that! “I, uh. She’s... Why?” It’s slightly baffling. She’s a nice enough person. But he doesn’t think of her in that way. Like... He can tell that she’s nice-looking, yeah, but it’s the same way he notices that the models in magazines are nice-looking. Is he supposed to find her attractive? Maybe he’s been sending her some kind of sign that he’s interested without meaning to. Because, yeah, he’s not so naive when it comes to other people, but he sometimes misses the point when someone tries to flirt with him. He doesn’t get why they’d want to.
And Vinny takes his surprise as some sort of sign, because he asks, “Dude, do you even like girls at all? Cassadee’s fucking hot.”
The words pass through his lips before he can stop them. “I don’t know. I mean... I really don’t know. They’re nice people? But I don’t really... want to date anyone.” It flashes in his head like that really fucking annoying sign from the bar next door to their dorm. ASEXUAL. But... Vinny’s his roommate, so maybe he should say something just to get the burden off his shoulders. He’s kind of afraid that people will treat him differently, though, so maybe he shouldn’t say anything. He can’t imagine saying it to Alex or Jack; they’d just laugh and tell him he ‘hasn’t met the right person’ yet. Lisa and Kara, maybe, would understand, but he’s not that close with them. And he sure as hell can’t tell Cassadee if she’s, like, in love with him or something because she’ll think it’s her fault or not believe him or... or something. The more he thinks about it, the more he feels like a freak with a label rubber-stamped onto his soul. So... Fuck that.
&
The score is tied. The score is tied, and Matt has no idea who is going to win the Eagles-Ravens game, and more importantly, Danny Kurily is in his apartment. He owes Grieco so big for this that he’s going to have to buy the kid the fuckin’ moon or something because this is seriously the coolest thing his best friend has ever done for him. It’s the closest game of the entire season - there’s one down left, the score is tied and it could be anyone’s game - and fucking Danny is in his apartment. He barely notices it when Danny’s fingers brush his the first time. And by barely, he really means that he doesn’t immediately pounce on the other man and instead remains aloof about the entire situation. He’s done pretty well so far, in terms of keeping a lid on his intense level of attraction to Danny. But now they are alone in his apartment and their fingers are touching and it’s the last fucking down of the closest football game in history and he’s not sure if his heart is racing more from the touch or the tension and he’s probably about to make the stupidest decision of his entire life.
He slides his fingers anxiously between Danny’s. It’s not quite holding hands, but then their hands are tucked neatly together between their thighs and Danny says, “Fuck, man,” and squeezes his fingers.
“Oh God, I can’t watch. It’s so fucking close,” Matt whines.
The game progresses and they both fall silent, though they’re still holding hands. He doesn’t know if this is intentional or whether Danny is really that absorbed in the game. “Come on, Ravens, come the fuck on...” Unfortunately - for Kurily, at least - an Eagles victory is within sight. Matt holds his breath and clutches Danny’s hand tightly for the last fifteen yards. And the game ends with the final touchdown by the Eagles, prompting Danny to growl, “God-fucking-dammit!”
“Mm, now let’s hear you say that Philly sucks and see how many people agree with you.”
Danny grumbles “... The Ravens were having an off night, okay. Plus I definitely just lost my bet with Kara and Lisa thanks to your stupid fucking football team and I’m about to lose my dignity too - don’t you interrupt and tell me I have none left! - and... fucking football bets ruin everything.”
Matt laughs and says, “You should know better than to make a bet against a lesbian. They know everything, and I’m pretty sure they have some kind of secret sports-betting society that allows them to fix the odds so they can secretly control the country from the comfort of their own homes. It’s a conspiracy.”
“Flyzik, I think that’s the most offensive thing you’ve ever said.”
“It’s not my fault you have no sense of humour! Kara likes my lesbian jokes. Though, she also likes you, so maybe I should question her judgment a little more often...”
Danny rolls his eyes. “If anyone’s behaviour is questionable here, it’s yours. You are seriously the most insensitive little prick sometimes and it makes me want to hit you. And besides that, Kara and Lisa both really like you, so what does that say about them?”
“Since you seem to hate everything about me so much,” Matt sighs, “Then why do we hang out?” He’s more than a little surprised by Danny’s response. Because seriously, the last thing he expected to happen mid-argument - or ever, actually - was for Danny to lean forward and kiss him. He kisses back hungrily, twisting his fingers into the other man’s shirt in an attempt to bring their bodies closer together. Kurily’s hands are at his waist, pulling him in for what’s turning out to be a pretty hot, impromptu make-out session. They end up getting a little horizontal right there on Matt’s couch; Kurily is a surprisingly competent kisser for someone who tends to be annoying as hell and gets under his skin more often than not. And once he gets Danny out of that stupid Ravens jersey, it’s not like they can argue about football anymore, because - come on. Shirtless Kurily in his apartment when his roommate isn’t home. The last thing he wants to use his mouth for is another stupid argument.
&
Rian’s a little surprised when Flyzik and Kurily show up to lunch the day after the Eagles-Ravens game holding hands. But secretly, he’s a little relieved, too, because it means that Danny is effectively out of the running for Grieco’s affection. He’s relieved when the couple opts to sit together and act disgusting, leaving the only available space at their usual table - conveniently - next to Rian, and the only person yet to arrive - conveniently - is Grieco. The thought also occurs to him that - Vinny and Evan aside, since they’re both interested in girls - this also means that he and Grieco are the last of the group to remain unattached. It is sort of weird to see the two of them sucking face instead of arguing. Kara and Lisa seem completely unsurprised by this new development. They share A Look and continue looking completely unconcerned by the whole thing. He’s not really sure if Jack and Alex have noticed any change; they tend not to notice anything besides each other unless it’s an extremely life-altering event. It took them three days to notice that he’d moved the beer fridge to the garage.
He catches sight of Grieco before anyone else and he’s immediately very glad it’s Monday, meaning that they have lecture together after lunch and also that he’s wearing decent-ish clothes for once. Meaning that he’s not wearing a pair of cargo shorts and a sleeveless shirt; instead, he’s got on what Alex calls Real People Clothes - a pair of jeans and a polo shirt. Alex actually chooses the majority of his wardrobe. And Jack’s. Without his help they’d both be dressing like, as Gaskarth so delicately put it, ‘You look like you shoplift at Fashion Bug’. He’s been making a conscious effort to dress better lately; due in part to his massive crush, but it has yet to bear any positive results.
“Hey, Ri,” Grieco says brightly, sliding into the chair next to his. “Did you finish the counterpoint assignme... Oh, geez, we’re outnumbered.”
Evan grumbles, “Just be glad you didn’t have to walk in on that at eleven last night. I’m still not sure I’m going to make a complete recovery from seeing Kurily’s bare ass or the unspeakable horrors that occurred on my couch. We may have to burn it to get rid of the...” he shudders, “evidence.”
“Anyway! Counterpoint. I didn’t completely understand how to look for florid counterpoint, so can we go to the library or something later and talk about that? I would ask Danny but he’s a little... ahem.” It seems like Grieco changed the subject a little too fast; Rian feels an irrational wave of jealousy. But that dissipates when Grieco reaches over him to steal the last of Vinny’s nachos and their arms brush, sending a little tingle up his spine. And the boy looks especially cute today, too; his hair is all fluffy and unstyled and Rian really, really wants to run his fingers through it.
“Yeah - hey, actually, let’s go to the school pub and grab something after class; we can make fun of the weird English lit students and their interpretive poetry or whatever if you want.” It’s a bit of a stretch, but about as much as he’s willing to make in front of their friends short of coming straight out and saying, ‘I have a giant crush on Alex Grieco and kind of really want to date him’. Plus, the school pub works in his favour for two reasons. First - and most importantly - it’s crowded in there most of the time, so they’ll have to sit closer together than they would in the library; second, it’s noisy as hell in there so it gives him plenty of excuses to lean over and talk in Grieco’s ear. Rian Dawson is one clever bastard, if he can - and does - say so himself.
Grieco hugs him quickly and says, “Ahh, you’re the best!” And if anyone notices the blush spreading across his face, they don’t mention it. He’s secretly glad that Cassadee has class all day; everyone knows about her crush on Grieco and honestly, he’s finding it hard to fight the urge to hate her every time she waxes poetic about how cute the kid is. He knows. Oh God, does he ever know.
Admittedly, he’s a little jealous of Danny and Matt’s relationship. He’s had a crush on Grieco since pretty much the first day they all met, would go to the sun and back for the kid, and all Danny and Matt have done - basically since day one - is argue, and now they’re falling into this perfect relationship all of a sudden. It’s frustrating as hell since the farthest he’s ever gotten with Grieco is a couple of hugs that left him wanting more. Some days it feels like nothing is ever going to be enough for him. And if this feeling he’s experiencing isn’t love, then he doesn’t know what is. He’s stupidly overprotective of the younger man, stupidly attracted despite knowing that there’s a blind man’s shot in hell that it will ever work out in his favour. It’s kind of exciting when Grieco links arms with him as they’re walking back to the music building together.
“So, uh, what do you think of Kurily and Flyzik dating?” he asks.
Grieco shrugs. “Well, I kind of left them to it last night under the impression that it was going to happen, so I can’t really say I’m surprised. They’re so cute together! Matt was so happy and flaily earlier, it was hilariously out of character for him. And you know Danny’s just going to be prancing around flaunting it for the rest of the week because that’s how he is...”
“I always kind of thought Kurily had a thing for you, to be honest,” he replies.
“Who, me? Naw,” Grieco says bashfully. “I don’t really think anyone sees me that way.” And the fact that he’s blushing makes it even more cute; Rian kind of wants to tackle him to the ground and kiss him all over. If he only knew...
Rian clears his throat and mumbles, “I dunno, I mean... I think you’re pretty cute.”
This remark earns him a half-assed swat from the perfect creature walking next to him. “Shut up, you’re such a liar! Now come on before you make us both late for advanced theory again or I’ll beat you with the new brushes I got the other day.” He tells himself that it doesn’t mean anything when Grieco grabs for his hand and pulls him through the crowd of freshmen streaming out of one of the main lecture halls, shielding their eyes against the sun and bearing the dazed look of everyone who has ever taken Introduction to Philosophy. It wasn’t so long ago that he himself was among their numbers, struggling through paper after paper about the meaning of life and stupid books about Plato too.
&
When they get to the pub after class, it’s pretty packed. Apparently the only thing that will effectively cure a severe case of the Mondays, in the college set, is a few pints of beer and shitty experimental poetry. Grieco isn’t sure whether the poetry club has realized that approximately ninety percent of its audience is only there to snidely mock them yet or not. He’s trying to pay attention to what Rian is explaining about the difference between the different types of counterpoint, but the concept is totally lost on him. It’s loud and overwhelmingly smelling of beer, so the only thing he can focus on at all is Rian’s breath in his ear and the fingers splayed over his forearm casually. It’s different to the way the jocks in the corner mess with each other; they’re roughhousing, punching each other in the arm and laughing about it, but being around Rian makes him feel... Confused. Because logically, he knows that Rian means something more to him than friendship, but he doesn’t quite know what. And because he doesn’t know how to explain it, he feels weird about it.
“And so, see, this one is in Lydian mode because of where the semitones are sat, right?” Rian says, underlining the notes on the sheet music for him so he can see it. He really doesn’t see it, but he nods anyway and leans into Rian’s side slightly to cut down on the noise filtering into their little corner of the pub. “Still not getting it, huh?”
“I don’t get what the difference is between this one and Dorian mode,” he sighs. “I mean, we’re drummers! Why do we have to read all this stupid sheet music?”
Rian’s arm snakes around his waist. “It’s easier than trying to teach us using the ‘Hit the ticky thing and then bang this really hard’ method? Also, I have a theory that most of the brass section is mentally deficient so we have to learn this stuff to cover for when they fuck up.” He rests his chin on Rian’s shoulder and sighs. “Aw, Grieco, you’ll get it. Don’t stress about it too much. You’ve still got better rhythm than almost anyone I know.”
Despite the reassurance, he doesn’t feel much better. “Feels like I can’t figure anything out these days,” he groans miserably. And it’s true. Ever since that horrible word came into his life - ASEXUAL! ASEXUAL! - he’s been questioning everything he’s ever been taught about how relationships work. He feels a bit like he’s missing the punch-line to every joke. Everyone else has this thing that he’s missing and it bothers him more than ever. What’s the point of a relationship or even trying to have one if it’s going to be... lopsided? All he can think about is how terrible it would feel if he started dating someone knowing that they wanted something from him that he could never give. Or how terrible it would feel to lie and have to try and pretend to be attracted to someone he feels nothing for in that way. The guilt would be too crushing.
But the thing is, he does kind of want a relationship. Not to fit in, but because he likes the idea of having someone that’s just his to do stuff with. “Hey, what’s up with you?” Rian asks.
“I don’t really want to talk about it,” he says faintly, suddenly wanting more than anything to go back to his room and listen to Vinny reading him texts people have submitted to that stupid website. Or maybe, any other day, he’d go to Matt’s and demand to be cuddled until he feels better, but now he can’t even do that. Because Matt has Danny, so he’s no longer needed as a stand-in boyfriend. And he hasn’t really realized until right now that, um, he maybe kind of wants to be someone’s boyfriend. Just... minus the sex. But with that taken out of the equation, what is a relationship? How does it differ from friendship at all?
Rian gives him a little side-hug and says, “You know what? Let’s get out of here, go back to my place, and play some therapeutic video games before Jack and Alex get back from their night class. I can help you take your mind off things.”
“Never let it be said that Rian Dawson doesn’t know how to make a man happy. You are so my favourite person right now. Are we playing Nazi zombies or will you actually let me win at Mario Kart?” he asks hopefully. All he gets in response to that question is a chuckle from Rian and a vague sense of annoyance when Rian tries to ruffle his hair. He doesn’t really mind, but he’ll pretend to so as not to ruin the moment. After all, the choice between Vinny’s weird rants and playing video games is an obvious one. He’s pretty sure Rian will let him win at Mario at least once. Not that he’s complaining, though, because it kind of makes up for that time he shot Rian’s head off playing Halo. Grieco is a big fan of compromise.
Part Two
He figures it out right there in the middle of his Organic Biology lecture. It’s such a jarring realization that he sits there for a minute, shakes his head, and whispers in this very small, very shy voice, “That’s me.” When he looks down he sees that his hand has slipped and he’s just drawn a line down half of his page of notes. Vinny turns and looks at him sceptically, like, ‘What’s wrong with you?’ Quickly - almost too quickly - he covers by saying, “Fascinating, isn’t it?” Which - if it had been anyone else - wouldn’t have passed as the truth; the only reason he pulls it off at all is because Vinny is only taking Organic Bio so he can ogle the T.A. because he’s got a massive crush on her. The only reason Grieco is in the class is to fulfill his science credit requirement for graduation and all of the interesting science electives filled up too quickly. So instead they’re both in the most boring, textbook-based course in the world, and of course there aren’t even any interesting labs to do or diagrams to look at. He’s not especially good friends with Vinny, exactly, they just know a lot of the same people.
For the rest of the hour he just sits there staring at the word hastily scribbled on the page and feels a sinking sensation in his gut. ASEXUAL, it says, in shaky block letters. And he feels strangely guilty about it, like a glaring neon sign that blinks on and off shouting ‘Alex Grieco is not like everyone else! He’s an asexual freak!’ He feels kind of empty inside. Maybe there’s something wrong with him, but he’s never really thought about the future in terms of finding someone and settling down and getting married or anything. Why would he? So he sits there and watches Vinny watching the girl he likes so much, and he wonders what it’s like to feel that way about someone. Because Vinny doesn’t really know her, of course. He finds her attractive. On an aesthetic level, maybe she is, but Grieco doesn’t see it. She has a symmetric face. Her hair is long and shiny. She wears the same kinds of clothes that other girls wear. He doesn’t really see anything that remarkable about her. There’s no magic in the way her leggings cling to her or the plaid shirt-dress flapping around her legs gracelessly. He doesn’t feel a quickening of his pulse when she bends over like he knows Vinny does. It’s... nothing.
When they’re walking out of the lecture hall, Vinny elbows him and says, “Damn, she looked hot today, am I right?” He just shrugs helplessly. Most of their friends think he’s gay because of his very obvious lack of interest in the female form. And he used to think that, too, until he realized that he also has a distinct lack of interest in penises or any type of... orifice in general.
“I didn’t really notice,” he answers simply. He fumbles with the straps of his backpack awkwardly, waiting for Vinny to get distracted by something else as they head toward the dorms. And already he’s thinking about the things he needs to do when they get back - pick up his sticks, change into something more comfortable for his afternoon classes - instead of paying attention to Vinny’s running commentary on a sex scene in this movie they watched in his film class. He’s excited, actually, about the afternoon and drumming. Maybe a little nervous, too, but he always gets nervous when he has to drum in front of people. Especially people he really admires, one of whom is in that class and basically makes him feel like he’s a little kid banging away on his mother’s pots and pans still. It’s a bit complicated considering they’re friends, too.
Not for the first time, he wonders if this means he has a crush on Rian, but idly dismisses it due to the fact that the attraction seems to be more envy than... physical attraction. He asks Vinny, “What does it feel like to have a crush on a girl?”
Vinny scratches his chin thoughtfully. “I dunno, dude... When you think she’s pretty or hot or whatever and you like being around her, I guess. You just get that... warm and fuzzy feeling, you know? Like butterflies and shit, that sort of thing. You know what I mean, right?”
He fights the urge to shake his head and say ‘No, I don’t, actually’, instead shrugging and replying, “Sure, I guess.” He tosses a new box of sticks in his backpack and changes into a pair of baggy shorts. As an afterthought, he slicks on a fresh coat of deodorant so he won’t embarrass himself by sweating through yet another t-shirt. Maybe he’ll take Rian’s advice and cut the sleeves off some of his shirts so he can move easier; he’s sort of loath to take his shirt off in the middle of class because it seems weirdly sexual even though they’re all just there to drum. The thought makes him feel awkward. The word ASEXUAL! ASEXUAL! ASEXUAL! blinks like a homing beacon behind his eyelids, and he suddenly feels a wave of self-consciousness hit him full force. It seems like everyone wants to have sex but him. The eyes of the pin-ups taped up on Vinny’s side of the room seem to be mocking him, coupled with their salacious grins and allegedly seductive posturing. He’d rather own the cars they’re leaning over, to be honest, than to possess the women themselves.
Vinny claps a hand on his shoulder, squeezes, and says, “You’ll find someone.” It’s really not very comforting. He doesn’t want to find someone. The idea that he needs to be OMG!In-a-Relationship and having sex to be complete kind of offends him. To pull a phrase from his best friend’s Disneyfied vocabulary, he can slay his own dragons, thank you very much.
&
Rian walks to the music building with his best friends, slightly annoyed that it takes them twice as long to get there since Jack and Alex insist on doing everything together and they keep pausing to make out against every possible surface. He can’t be too annoyed, though, because he’s got two hours of drumming to look forward to, with the added bonus of seeing Grieco, also known as the other Alex in their little group. And seeing Grieco always puts him in a stupidly good mood. Jack and Alex know this and totally capitalize on it. Grinning like the Cheshire Cat, Jack says, “So I see you’ve brought your new sticks for this afternoon’s session.”
He shrugs, trying to remain nonchalant. “I felt like experimenting with thickness a little bit,” he explains. Alex and Jack exchange A Look; Alex starts giggling so hard because of it that he has to press his face into Jack’s shoulder. The double entendre was completely - well, mostly - unintentional. “Not like that! Oh my God.” It’s not exactly a secret, Rian’s massive crush on Grieco, but thus far he has managed to keep it under wraps. Just... sometimes he’ll put on a decent pair of shorts before their Thursday class and he always gets there exactly early enough to make the fact that they always sit together look completely unintentional and coincidental.
“I like experimenting with Alex’s thickness,” Jack smirks.
Rian makes a face and grumbles “... Yeah, the one time he let you bottom and you told everyone who would listen about it. Twice.” He considers hitting Jack with his sticks but decides not to in the interest of keeping them in one piece. Gaskarth is a territorial little bitch when it comes to his boyfriend. Out of the corner of his eye, he sees a familiar body headed into the studio, so he quickly says goodbye to his friends and jogs off to catch up. “Grieco! Hey,” he says breathlessly, fighting the urge - as he is often struck with it - to grab the younger man and hug him tight. Grieco rewards him with a shy smile.
“Mm, I’m guessing Dumb & Dumber are the reason you’re running late again?” Grieco guesses. “I mean, don’t get me wrong, they are some of my best friends, but watching them suck face constantly is getting real old.”
He rolls his eyes and mutters, “Just be glad you don’t have to live with them.” Through the windows of the atrium, he can see Jack and Alex making kissy faces at them and one obscene gesture from Jack that may or may not be directed towards him. To change the subject, he shows Grieco his new sticks and says, “Pretty cool, huh? Picked ‘em up yesterday and haven’t gotten a chance to try them out yet.”
“Oh, dude, dude, those are so sweet,” Grieco gushes. “You have to let me know how they feel, I’ve been looking for good sticks forever and nothing seems quite right so far. And you have to promise to let me use your employee discount since we’re, like, drum bros. Or, you could let me come visit you at work like you keep promising so I can try those babies out myself.” Rian has to will himself not to blush, not to read too far into that because they are Just Friends, capital J, capital F. Grieco’s probably straight.
“Yeah,” he says. “Come visit me next week and I’ll hook you up with some sweet testers we just got in. And you know you can show up at the house whenever if you want to, like, jam with me sometime. The noise usually scares Jack and Alex away so you don’t have to worry about seeing, um... that.” He’s trying, very subtly, to ask Grieco if he’s okay with... that. It’s a hopeless endeavour, but seriously? The boy is too cute not to at least try. Ever since the first day of classes he’s had this huge crush - like, ever since Grieco walked into the music building twenty minutes early with his hair still wet from the shower, looking terrified, and stopped to ask him if he was in the right place. And he stood there, stunned, for a minute, because this gorgeous creature with the big brown eyes and flawless skin was actually talking to him.
So he’s a little bit surprised when Grieco hip-checks him and says, “I see how it is, you just want me to scare them away so you can have a little peace and quiet. You should ask Danny if he’ll come over and we can try kind of a jam band thing.” Which leaves Rian feeling more than a little deflated during the first hour, because of course the one time he actually gathers the courage to ask Grieco to hang out - just the two of them, anyway - the point gets completely lost in translation. He seriously considers paying Jack and Alex to take Danny out to the bar so he will be therefore unavailable for any and all future jam sessions, and this time it has way less to do with the fact that he kind of wants to make out with Grieco and more to do with the fact that he’s not convinced that Danny isn’t going to try to, like, put the moves on Grieco himself. Not that Danny isn’t a nice person; he totally is, it’s just that his brain goes into this kind of crazy-competitive overdrive whenever someone expresses interest in his crush. In other words, Rian Dawson equals jealous bitch.
&
Grieco doesn’t watch football with the rest of the gang simply because they all cheer for the Ravens. So, every Sunday, he goes to his best friend’s place so that they can watch the Eagles walk all over the Ravens in peace. Matt Flyzik revels in his rebellion from the group, proudly wearing his jersey to classes and carrying on heated debates with Danny in the cafeteria over the merits of each team. It’s kind of funny because Kurily gets so flustered whenever Matt’s around, whereas normally he can tend to be a bit of an arrogant jerk. Naturally, he’s kind of surprised when Danny turns up to Matt’s that Sunday, proudly wearing his Ravens jersey un-ironically with his designer jeans and Louis Vuitton belt - the one that Alex never fails to rib him about owning. He sees the way the two look at each other, and there’s that word again, tattooed permanently on the insides of his eyelids as a reminder of all the things wrong with him. ASEXUAL. The word sticks on his tongue every time he so much as tries to say it out loud. He’s been very careful to avoid thinking about it too much.
He likes Danny because the guy always brings the best beer to every party and he makes no pretences about the fact that his family is loaded. And Matt? He likes Danny because... Well, Grieco is not entirely sure. Considering all they ever do is argue, he’s not quite sure where the attraction lies in carrying on such a friendship. Maybe there’s something to that old adage that opposites attract after all. Matt used to be in a punk band and he’s got a lip ring; Danny, on the other hand, went to private school and completely shocked his parents when he announced he was going to be a music major. “Ready to watch the Eagles lose?” Danny asks, tugging the tail of Matt’s shirt playfully.
“Eat shit, Kurily,” Matt retorts, ducking past Danny and piling onto the couch next to Grieco. A moment later Danny joins them, taking great care to jostle Matt and generally annoy him as much as possible - the kind of teasing that would be irritating as hell if they weren’t friends. It’s not until after halftime that Grieco figures out it’s intentional, and then he feels like an awkward third wheel since he can tell that his friends are obviously interested in each other. He’s not sure if he’s supposed to leave so they can have at it or not... For that matter, he’s not really sure what ‘it’ is but he’s got this uncomfortable feeling that, were he not there, they’d probably be making out or something. And he’s almost positive that Matt used his presence as a buffer on purpose to make it less awkward, with the consequence of having made it much more awkward in the process.
So he does the only thing he can think of under the circumstances to make it easier on all three of them. He says, “Hey, I think I’m gonna drop by Rian’s for a bit. I wanted to ask him about those sticks he promised me on Friday.”
“... On a Sunday night?” Danny asks suspiciously.
He nods. “Yeah, he wanted me to drop by the store next week so he could show me some new sticks they got in or something so I wanted to see if he knows what his schedule is yet.” Matt mouths the words ‘I owe you’. He mouths back, ‘You owe me big for this’. So he grabs his stuff, pulls on his shoes, and walks the short distance to Rian’s house under the sinking sun. The thing about his situation - he wills himself not to put too much thought into it - is that, even though he’s not particularly interested in sex, he’s also not completely naive. He’s smart enough to realize when two people are into each other and when he should take it upon himself to leave and give them some privacy. And besides that, he probably should drop by Rian’s anyway. He’s been meaning to all week but hasn’t really had the time.
Evan’s car is in the driveway when he gets there, so the game mustn’t have ended yet. He hesitates for about a minute before deciding to just walk right in. Jack and Alex, as always, have taken up residence in the armchair, occasionally taking a break from making out to check in with the game. Vinny and Evan are having an alcohol-fuelled heart to heart conversation on the couch, and Rian’s hanging out in the kitchen talking to the girls, who catch sight of him first. “Grieco!” Cassadee squeals, running over to give him an exuberant hug. Lisa and Kara just kind of sigh and look at each other; the feminine mystique will continue to elude him despite the growing number of female friends he has. It could also be that neither of them like her, but he’s not going to involve himself in the world of girl politics since that confuses him almost as much as sex does.
Rian grins at him - and Rian has the nicest smile in the entire world, honestly - and greets him with, “I see you’ve defected to the winning side, finally,” before swallowing him in a hug.
He says, “Nah, I just thought I’d leave Flyzik and Kurily to figure their whole deal out. I was feeling a little third-wheelish. I’ve also come to find out your work schedule for next week so I can reserve several hours of your time for my very own, if that’s okay with you. I thought we could jam for a while and then maybe play Nazi zombies.”
“That’s more than okay with me, especially if you’re bringing Nazi zombies. You’re not allowed to complain when I beat you at Mario Kart, though.”
Feeling his cheeks heat up slightly, Grieco retorts, “You cheat every time! That’s not a fair assessment of my skills! I demand a rematch and someone to watch so you can’t use your dirty tricks on me this time.” The girls have, by this point, gotten tired of listening to their discussion of video games, so it’s just him and Rian in the kitchen. Not that there’s anything wrong with that; it’s that he doesn’t understand the way Rian looks at him sometimes and half the time their conversations leave him feeling more confused than anything. Rian teases him, but it’s... different. It defies explanation. They make plans for the next week and he ends up walking back to campus with Vinny.
Vinny goes, “You know Cassadee has a huge crush on you, right?”
Which is something he didn’t know because he’d never thought about it. The word practically blinks in front of his eyes. ASEXUAL. ASEXUAL. He doesn’t think about stuff like that! “I, uh. She’s... Why?” It’s slightly baffling. She’s a nice enough person. But he doesn’t think of her in that way. Like... He can tell that she’s nice-looking, yeah, but it’s the same way he notices that the models in magazines are nice-looking. Is he supposed to find her attractive? Maybe he’s been sending her some kind of sign that he’s interested without meaning to. Because, yeah, he’s not so naive when it comes to other people, but he sometimes misses the point when someone tries to flirt with him. He doesn’t get why they’d want to.
And Vinny takes his surprise as some sort of sign, because he asks, “Dude, do you even like girls at all? Cassadee’s fucking hot.”
The words pass through his lips before he can stop them. “I don’t know. I mean... I really don’t know. They’re nice people? But I don’t really... want to date anyone.” It flashes in his head like that really fucking annoying sign from the bar next door to their dorm. ASEXUAL. But... Vinny’s his roommate, so maybe he should say something just to get the burden off his shoulders. He’s kind of afraid that people will treat him differently, though, so maybe he shouldn’t say anything. He can’t imagine saying it to Alex or Jack; they’d just laugh and tell him he ‘hasn’t met the right person’ yet. Lisa and Kara, maybe, would understand, but he’s not that close with them. And he sure as hell can’t tell Cassadee if she’s, like, in love with him or something because she’ll think it’s her fault or not believe him or... or something. The more he thinks about it, the more he feels like a freak with a label rubber-stamped onto his soul. So... Fuck that.
&
The score is tied. The score is tied, and Matt has no idea who is going to win the Eagles-Ravens game, and more importantly, Danny Kurily is in his apartment. He owes Grieco so big for this that he’s going to have to buy the kid the fuckin’ moon or something because this is seriously the coolest thing his best friend has ever done for him. It’s the closest game of the entire season - there’s one down left, the score is tied and it could be anyone’s game - and fucking Danny is in his apartment. He barely notices it when Danny’s fingers brush his the first time. And by barely, he really means that he doesn’t immediately pounce on the other man and instead remains aloof about the entire situation. He’s done pretty well so far, in terms of keeping a lid on his intense level of attraction to Danny. But now they are alone in his apartment and their fingers are touching and it’s the last fucking down of the closest football game in history and he’s not sure if his heart is racing more from the touch or the tension and he’s probably about to make the stupidest decision of his entire life.
He slides his fingers anxiously between Danny’s. It’s not quite holding hands, but then their hands are tucked neatly together between their thighs and Danny says, “Fuck, man,” and squeezes his fingers.
“Oh God, I can’t watch. It’s so fucking close,” Matt whines.
The game progresses and they both fall silent, though they’re still holding hands. He doesn’t know if this is intentional or whether Danny is really that absorbed in the game. “Come on, Ravens, come the fuck on...” Unfortunately - for Kurily, at least - an Eagles victory is within sight. Matt holds his breath and clutches Danny’s hand tightly for the last fifteen yards. And the game ends with the final touchdown by the Eagles, prompting Danny to growl, “God-fucking-dammit!”
“Mm, now let’s hear you say that Philly sucks and see how many people agree with you.”
Danny grumbles “... The Ravens were having an off night, okay. Plus I definitely just lost my bet with Kara and Lisa thanks to your stupid fucking football team and I’m about to lose my dignity too - don’t you interrupt and tell me I have none left! - and... fucking football bets ruin everything.”
Matt laughs and says, “You should know better than to make a bet against a lesbian. They know everything, and I’m pretty sure they have some kind of secret sports-betting society that allows them to fix the odds so they can secretly control the country from the comfort of their own homes. It’s a conspiracy.”
“Flyzik, I think that’s the most offensive thing you’ve ever said.”
“It’s not my fault you have no sense of humour! Kara likes my lesbian jokes. Though, she also likes you, so maybe I should question her judgment a little more often...”
Danny rolls his eyes. “If anyone’s behaviour is questionable here, it’s yours. You are seriously the most insensitive little prick sometimes and it makes me want to hit you. And besides that, Kara and Lisa both really like you, so what does that say about them?”
“Since you seem to hate everything about me so much,” Matt sighs, “Then why do we hang out?” He’s more than a little surprised by Danny’s response. Because seriously, the last thing he expected to happen mid-argument - or ever, actually - was for Danny to lean forward and kiss him. He kisses back hungrily, twisting his fingers into the other man’s shirt in an attempt to bring their bodies closer together. Kurily’s hands are at his waist, pulling him in for what’s turning out to be a pretty hot, impromptu make-out session. They end up getting a little horizontal right there on Matt’s couch; Kurily is a surprisingly competent kisser for someone who tends to be annoying as hell and gets under his skin more often than not. And once he gets Danny out of that stupid Ravens jersey, it’s not like they can argue about football anymore, because - come on. Shirtless Kurily in his apartment when his roommate isn’t home. The last thing he wants to use his mouth for is another stupid argument.
&
Rian’s a little surprised when Flyzik and Kurily show up to lunch the day after the Eagles-Ravens game holding hands. But secretly, he’s a little relieved, too, because it means that Danny is effectively out of the running for Grieco’s affection. He’s relieved when the couple opts to sit together and act disgusting, leaving the only available space at their usual table - conveniently - next to Rian, and the only person yet to arrive - conveniently - is Grieco. The thought also occurs to him that - Vinny and Evan aside, since they’re both interested in girls - this also means that he and Grieco are the last of the group to remain unattached. It is sort of weird to see the two of them sucking face instead of arguing. Kara and Lisa seem completely unsurprised by this new development. They share A Look and continue looking completely unconcerned by the whole thing. He’s not really sure if Jack and Alex have noticed any change; they tend not to notice anything besides each other unless it’s an extremely life-altering event. It took them three days to notice that he’d moved the beer fridge to the garage.
He catches sight of Grieco before anyone else and he’s immediately very glad it’s Monday, meaning that they have lecture together after lunch and also that he’s wearing decent-ish clothes for once. Meaning that he’s not wearing a pair of cargo shorts and a sleeveless shirt; instead, he’s got on what Alex calls Real People Clothes - a pair of jeans and a polo shirt. Alex actually chooses the majority of his wardrobe. And Jack’s. Without his help they’d both be dressing like, as Gaskarth so delicately put it, ‘You look like you shoplift at Fashion Bug’. He’s been making a conscious effort to dress better lately; due in part to his massive crush, but it has yet to bear any positive results.
“Hey, Ri,” Grieco says brightly, sliding into the chair next to his. “Did you finish the counterpoint assignme... Oh, geez, we’re outnumbered.”
Evan grumbles, “Just be glad you didn’t have to walk in on that at eleven last night. I’m still not sure I’m going to make a complete recovery from seeing Kurily’s bare ass or the unspeakable horrors that occurred on my couch. We may have to burn it to get rid of the...” he shudders, “evidence.”
“Anyway! Counterpoint. I didn’t completely understand how to look for florid counterpoint, so can we go to the library or something later and talk about that? I would ask Danny but he’s a little... ahem.” It seems like Grieco changed the subject a little too fast; Rian feels an irrational wave of jealousy. But that dissipates when Grieco reaches over him to steal the last of Vinny’s nachos and their arms brush, sending a little tingle up his spine. And the boy looks especially cute today, too; his hair is all fluffy and unstyled and Rian really, really wants to run his fingers through it.
“Yeah - hey, actually, let’s go to the school pub and grab something after class; we can make fun of the weird English lit students and their interpretive poetry or whatever if you want.” It’s a bit of a stretch, but about as much as he’s willing to make in front of their friends short of coming straight out and saying, ‘I have a giant crush on Alex Grieco and kind of really want to date him’. Plus, the school pub works in his favour for two reasons. First - and most importantly - it’s crowded in there most of the time, so they’ll have to sit closer together than they would in the library; second, it’s noisy as hell in there so it gives him plenty of excuses to lean over and talk in Grieco’s ear. Rian Dawson is one clever bastard, if he can - and does - say so himself.
Grieco hugs him quickly and says, “Ahh, you’re the best!” And if anyone notices the blush spreading across his face, they don’t mention it. He’s secretly glad that Cassadee has class all day; everyone knows about her crush on Grieco and honestly, he’s finding it hard to fight the urge to hate her every time she waxes poetic about how cute the kid is. He knows. Oh God, does he ever know.
Admittedly, he’s a little jealous of Danny and Matt’s relationship. He’s had a crush on Grieco since pretty much the first day they all met, would go to the sun and back for the kid, and all Danny and Matt have done - basically since day one - is argue, and now they’re falling into this perfect relationship all of a sudden. It’s frustrating as hell since the farthest he’s ever gotten with Grieco is a couple of hugs that left him wanting more. Some days it feels like nothing is ever going to be enough for him. And if this feeling he’s experiencing isn’t love, then he doesn’t know what is. He’s stupidly overprotective of the younger man, stupidly attracted despite knowing that there’s a blind man’s shot in hell that it will ever work out in his favour. It’s kind of exciting when Grieco links arms with him as they’re walking back to the music building together.
“So, uh, what do you think of Kurily and Flyzik dating?” he asks.
Grieco shrugs. “Well, I kind of left them to it last night under the impression that it was going to happen, so I can’t really say I’m surprised. They’re so cute together! Matt was so happy and flaily earlier, it was hilariously out of character for him. And you know Danny’s just going to be prancing around flaunting it for the rest of the week because that’s how he is...”
“I always kind of thought Kurily had a thing for you, to be honest,” he replies.
“Who, me? Naw,” Grieco says bashfully. “I don’t really think anyone sees me that way.” And the fact that he’s blushing makes it even more cute; Rian kind of wants to tackle him to the ground and kiss him all over. If he only knew...
Rian clears his throat and mumbles, “I dunno, I mean... I think you’re pretty cute.”
This remark earns him a half-assed swat from the perfect creature walking next to him. “Shut up, you’re such a liar! Now come on before you make us both late for advanced theory again or I’ll beat you with the new brushes I got the other day.” He tells himself that it doesn’t mean anything when Grieco grabs for his hand and pulls him through the crowd of freshmen streaming out of one of the main lecture halls, shielding their eyes against the sun and bearing the dazed look of everyone who has ever taken Introduction to Philosophy. It wasn’t so long ago that he himself was among their numbers, struggling through paper after paper about the meaning of life and stupid books about Plato too.
&
When they get to the pub after class, it’s pretty packed. Apparently the only thing that will effectively cure a severe case of the Mondays, in the college set, is a few pints of beer and shitty experimental poetry. Grieco isn’t sure whether the poetry club has realized that approximately ninety percent of its audience is only there to snidely mock them yet or not. He’s trying to pay attention to what Rian is explaining about the difference between the different types of counterpoint, but the concept is totally lost on him. It’s loud and overwhelmingly smelling of beer, so the only thing he can focus on at all is Rian’s breath in his ear and the fingers splayed over his forearm casually. It’s different to the way the jocks in the corner mess with each other; they’re roughhousing, punching each other in the arm and laughing about it, but being around Rian makes him feel... Confused. Because logically, he knows that Rian means something more to him than friendship, but he doesn’t quite know what. And because he doesn’t know how to explain it, he feels weird about it.
“And so, see, this one is in Lydian mode because of where the semitones are sat, right?” Rian says, underlining the notes on the sheet music for him so he can see it. He really doesn’t see it, but he nods anyway and leans into Rian’s side slightly to cut down on the noise filtering into their little corner of the pub. “Still not getting it, huh?”
“I don’t get what the difference is between this one and Dorian mode,” he sighs. “I mean, we’re drummers! Why do we have to read all this stupid sheet music?”
Rian’s arm snakes around his waist. “It’s easier than trying to teach us using the ‘Hit the ticky thing and then bang this really hard’ method? Also, I have a theory that most of the brass section is mentally deficient so we have to learn this stuff to cover for when they fuck up.” He rests his chin on Rian’s shoulder and sighs. “Aw, Grieco, you’ll get it. Don’t stress about it too much. You’ve still got better rhythm than almost anyone I know.”
Despite the reassurance, he doesn’t feel much better. “Feels like I can’t figure anything out these days,” he groans miserably. And it’s true. Ever since that horrible word came into his life - ASEXUAL! ASEXUAL! - he’s been questioning everything he’s ever been taught about how relationships work. He feels a bit like he’s missing the punch-line to every joke. Everyone else has this thing that he’s missing and it bothers him more than ever. What’s the point of a relationship or even trying to have one if it’s going to be... lopsided? All he can think about is how terrible it would feel if he started dating someone knowing that they wanted something from him that he could never give. Or how terrible it would feel to lie and have to try and pretend to be attracted to someone he feels nothing for in that way. The guilt would be too crushing.
But the thing is, he does kind of want a relationship. Not to fit in, but because he likes the idea of having someone that’s just his to do stuff with. “Hey, what’s up with you?” Rian asks.
“I don’t really want to talk about it,” he says faintly, suddenly wanting more than anything to go back to his room and listen to Vinny reading him texts people have submitted to that stupid website. Or maybe, any other day, he’d go to Matt’s and demand to be cuddled until he feels better, but now he can’t even do that. Because Matt has Danny, so he’s no longer needed as a stand-in boyfriend. And he hasn’t really realized until right now that, um, he maybe kind of wants to be someone’s boyfriend. Just... minus the sex. But with that taken out of the equation, what is a relationship? How does it differ from friendship at all?
Rian gives him a little side-hug and says, “You know what? Let’s get out of here, go back to my place, and play some therapeutic video games before Jack and Alex get back from their night class. I can help you take your mind off things.”
“Never let it be said that Rian Dawson doesn’t know how to make a man happy. You are so my favourite person right now. Are we playing Nazi zombies or will you actually let me win at Mario Kart?” he asks hopefully. All he gets in response to that question is a chuckle from Rian and a vague sense of annoyance when Rian tries to ruffle his hair. He doesn’t really mind, but he’ll pretend to so as not to ruin the moment. After all, the choice between Vinny’s weird rants and playing video games is an obvious one. He’s pretty sure Rian will let him win at Mario at least once. Not that he’s complaining, though, because it kind of makes up for that time he shot Rian’s head off playing Halo. Grieco is a big fan of compromise.
Part Two