you're aces, kid. [3/3]
So dating Rian is a lot like not dating Rian, except that it’s completely different. They hold hands a lot. Rian walks him to class. And they cuddle, like, all the time, which is nice. Grieco is a big fan of cuddling, especially since his maybe-possibly-potential-boyfriend-person is super affectionate and warm and prone to pulling him down onto any and all soft, comfortable surfaces for impromptu cuddle sessions. It’s awesome, except for the sense of nagging guilt he has because he kind of still hasn’t told Rian that he’s asexual. Because then he thinks about it every time they kiss, so then he can’t even enjoy it, which is bad because he really, really enjoys the whole kissing part of their relationship. Rian is pretty much the sweetest guy ever, meaning that Grieco feels really fucking bad about keeping it from him.
It’s not that he doesn’t want to say anything, it’s just that it’s hard to find the right moment when Rian is always cuddling him and kissing him. It would make him officially the worst person ever if he said it while Rian is being all affectionate towards him. He doesn’t know how to say it without making it seem like a rejection, which is a huge problem considering he’d really like to, you know, keep dating the guy since he’s really great. This is incredibly frustrating since they’re not officially in a relationship; Rian hasn’t asked him yet and with that particular issue still up in the air, he’s not about to ask when there’s a very good chance he’s going to want to put his foot in his mouth after they talk about... that. He can’t exactly say, ‘Hey, so I want you to be my boyfriend, but you should also know that I kind of don’t want to have sex with you. Ever. But don’t feel bad, because I don’t want to have sex with anyone.’ Somehow he thinks Rian is going to be... less than thrilled by this news. In the probably-going-to-break-up-with-him way. He thinks about it all through their counterpoint lecture while Rian holds his hand under the desk.
“I need to talk to you about something after class, ‘kay?” he whispers while their professor is drawing some horribly complicated-looking rhythm on the whiteboard as an example. And he sits there for the rest of the hour watching the clock because it seems to be counting down the minutes until what could either be one of the best or worst moments of his life. Once the rest of the students start leaving the room, Rian tries to kiss him but he pulls away awkwardly and says, “Ri, this is actually kind of serious. Let’s find somewhere quiet ‘cause it’s... this is something really important.” Then he feels guilty for leaving Rian hanging because if this goes badly they’re never going to kiss again.
“Hey, you’ve been awful quiet today,” Rian says, tracing the lines in the palm of his hand gently. “You okay?” They’re sitting in the corner of the student commons, which is not exactly the ideal place to be doing this, but... there is never going to be an ideal place or time to do it. So he jumps in head-first with absolutely no idea what to say and the words just kind of come out.
“I’m... There’s something I should have told you,” he sighs, “when we first started dating. And now I’m afraid to because I feel like you have this certain expectation of me and I’m going to feel really fuckin’ awful when you realize that I am never going to be able to meet that expectation.” A huge group of giggling freshman girls in matching leggings and those ugly brown boots passes by, so he waits before continuing. Part of him wants to tell the girls, though, that those leggings really don’t double as pants if they’re sort of sheer enough that everyone can tell what colour thong they’re wearing underneath. Another part of him kind of wants to introduce them to Vinny. He snuffles and clears his throat, staring down at their hands tucked between their thighs.
Rian says, “But I don’t expect anything from you except whatever you want to give me.”
He says, “You expect things without knowing that you expect them, Ri. And so... I guess that’s why I’m telling you this now, instead of later? Only I don’t know how to say it without being completely obvious about it, so I... just...” He’s already having to blink the tears back, so they can’t look at each other or he really will start crying. “I’m asexual, Ri. Like... I don’t want to... I-I-I can’t, I don’t feel that way about you, but I still want to be with you.”
“Grieco, I’m... I... Then why did you agree to go out with me in the first place if you don’t...?” Rian’s rubbing his head, frowning, chewing on his lip. “I think we should maybe not see each other for a little while.”
Which is, to be fair, kind of what he expected to happen, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less and it doesn’t stop the tears from falling as he walks, dejected, back to his dorm alone. Vinny and Evan are there when he gets home, so they see him collapse unhappily onto the bed, sobbing. Less than thirty seconds later he feels both of them crawling onto his bed beside him, and then Vinny is rubbing his back and Evan’s already on the phone with Matt, telling him “You need to get over here right fucking now, your best friend is upset and he needs you.”
Vinny says to Evan, “Take my student card and go buy him the biggest tub of gummy worms you can find and get a huge-ass bag of M&M’s too.” He moves farther up the bed and then his fingers are in Grieco’s hair, rubbing his scalp soothingly, and he whispers, “It’s okay, he’s an asshole and he didn’t deserve you anyway.”
“But Vin, I’m in love with him,” Grieco sobs weakly, curling up into a little ball so his roommate can keep stroking his hair. He cries for a long time and for once, Vinny doesn’t act like a complete asshole about things. They stay like that until Matt arrives, and even then the three of them stay in his bed; Vinny bites all of the red gummy worms in half for him so he won’t have to eat the disgusting yellow parts and Matt holds him and tells him all of the rather inventive ways he’s planning on ending Rian. Evan calls his girlfriend and asks her to bring over every soppy break-up movie ever, and the four of them sit in the lounge until late, watching shitty Drew Barrymore rom-coms and eating way too much candy and chocolate.
&
Rian pushes his face into Alex’s stomach and groans. It’s not the same. Because first of all, Alex belongs to somebody else - who also happens to be one of his best friends - and secondly because it’s not Alex that he wants to be with. He’s been wallowing in his own abject misery for a week and a half and he only keeps feeling more miserable. He doesn’t know how else to feel in the face of the most crippling rejection he’s ever faced. All he’s done for eleven and a half days is lie on the couch watching crappy daytime talk shows throwing popcorn at Tyra Banks and Ellen every time they have a show about people making their unconventional relationships work. Fuck, he doesn’t want to hear about people making it work. Grieco doesn’t want him. Alex and Jack finally realized something was wrong with him and now Alex stays home with him because - according to them - sitting in his underwear shouting at their third-favourite lesbian isn’t healthy behaviour.
“You could talk to him, you know,” Alex murmurs, flipping the television between a rerun of Spongebob and CNN. “I talked to Matt yesterday and from what he said, Grieco is at least half as miserable as you are without him.”
“Mmmmmf.”
Alex sighs and forces him to sit up. “You’re being ridiculous, Ri. You’re acting like an insensitive, self-centered brat, and I’m fucking sick of it. Okay? So the guy you like-”
“-I’m in love with him,” Rian interjects.
“Alright, so the guy you love doesn’t want to have sex with you. Is that really the end of the world? Is that really all you’re interested in him for? Because if that’s it, then that’s kind of shitty, bro.” Alex picks at the hole in his t-shirt like a concerned mother. It’s - to be really honest - kind of annoying. And it’s completely hypocritical of Alex to say something like that, considering his relationship with Jack appears to be solely based on sex. The dark purple hickey peeking out from the v-neck of his shirt is the brand of a fool. “Hey, fucking listen to me, you raging asshole.”
Rian groans again and throws a handful of stale popcorn at him. He doesn’t want to listen. He wants to lie there until the end of the world because - of course - the only good thing in his life was too good to be true. Alex doesn’t even understand what it’s like to feel unwanted by the one person he wants more than anything. Because all stupid Alex does is have loud sex with his stupid boyfriend and it makes him feel even worse because... It just feels really awful. He imagines his heart as a smoldering pile of ash sitting low in his chest - which is kind of true, actually - and lies his head on Alex’s shoulder. “Oh, you’re one to talk. All you and Jack ever do is have sex.”
Alex frowns. “That’s not true. Remember last winter when my depression got so bad I refused to leave my room for a month?”
Rian nods. Alex had been a pissy little bitch then and he yelled - at least once a day, usually more - about how much he hated himself and everyone around him whenever someone tried to talk to him. “Yeah,” he says, unsure of where this story is going or what it has to do with the fact that his heart is irreversibly broken.
“Remember how mean I was to Jack when my doctor switched my meds and how many times he slept on the couch because I didn’t want him around me? We didn’t have sex that entire time. Every night I tried to make him sleep on the couch, he waited until I was asleep and then he’d come back upstairs and hold me because he missed me. I was, like, incapable of sex during that whole time and he still took care of me. No matter how much shit I said to him, he never went away. That’s how I knew he was in love with me. He was willing to compromise and he stayed with me through one of my worst depressions and never asked for anything in return. And some days I still don’t feel much like having sex with him, and yeah, we get pissed at each other sometimes because of it, but... In the grand scheme of things, it’s not the most important part of our relationship by a long stretch. I love him more for the little things, you know? Like, he reminds me every morning to take my meds and just... Ri, you can’t completely write him off because of one stupid thing that you can work around. I can see how much you love him, and it kills me that you two aren’t together anymore.”
Alex’s speech has him in tears. He presses his face into Alex’s shoulder and cries shakily. “Fuck, you’re such an asshole, stop making me feel like shit about it.”
“Ri, you can’t really miss something you’ve never had with somebody. He’s still the same person you fell in love with. You see that, don’t you?” His entire body is trembling and he feels like he’s going to throw up. “He’s still the same kid you spent a year pining over. So don’t throw that away over something stupid that you two can work out, okay? I love you, bro.” Alex perks up when he hears the front door click open.
Jack looks at them curled up on the couch and pouts. “You guys are cuddling and didn’t invite me?” Rian watches the way his best friends look at each other - Alex’s eyes just completely light up and he’s got this stupid little smile on his face - and he decides, yeah, that’s love.
“How was class, love?” Alex asks, leaning up to meet Jack’s lips.
“Would’ve been better if you were there,” Jack whines childishly. “I missed you. If I have a nap, will you come lay with me for a bit before my next class?”
Rian nudges Alex with his elbow - trying to say that he’ll be okay without having to come right out and say it - until Alex sighs and says, “Yeah, I’ll be up in a bit. I just need to finish talking to Rian about something first. But I promise I’ll come up and hold you soon, okay babe?” Once Jack has disappeared upstairs, Alex looks at him seriously and tells him, “If you don’t talk to him soon, I’m going to tell Matt that he has my full permission to break your kneecaps. Either that, or I’m going to tell Kara what you’ve done and let you face her wrath.”
“Okay, okay,” he groans. “I’ll go talk to him, but I kind of need a shower first.”
Alex pats him on the back and says, cheerfully, “That’s the spirit. You have nothing to be afraid of; he loves you too. Now go get cleaned up and then get your boy back. I’m going to go hang out with Jack; he’s been feeling kind of neglected ever since you decided to be a douche-nozzle and break up with Grieco over something this dumb.” Yeah, Alex really fuckin’ sucks at cursing. He should know; he has to listen to it every time Alex and Jack have sex. Douche-nozzle. What kind of word is that?
&
It’s late - maybe ten or eleven o’clock at night - when someone knocks on their door. Grieco barely even looks up from the textbook he’s been poring over for the last hour, just rolls his eyes and says, “Vinny, get the door,” miserably. He’s not surprised when a pair of rolled-up socks hit him in the head. He has been kind of unbearably clingy ever since the break-up and Vinny’s gotten the worst of it on the basis that they’re roommates, so he doesn’t really ever get a break from it.
But he is surprised when Vinny shuts the door most of the way, looks at him and stage-whispers, “It’s Rian and he says he wants to talk to you! D’you want me to let him in, or...”
“Yeah, whatever.” He’s surprised to hear his own voice agreeing to it before he’s even thought about it. Fuck. But on the other hand, just the thought of talking to Rian makes his heart swell and ache. He flips his book shut and sits up, trying to at least look better than he feels, which is a feat considering he’s wearing one of Vinny’s varsity soccer t-shirts and a pair of baggy, stained pajama bottoms. In other words, it looks kind of like he’s been to hell and back recently; his bangs are flopping in his eyes and the roots are starting to grow in where Lisa convinced him it would be a good idea to bleach his hair to make him feel better about everything. It’s stupid that he even cares what he looks like or what Rian even thinks about him since they’re broken up. Neither of them are supposed to care. He’s defective anyway. Damaged goods, relationship-wise, since he doesn’t want sex and he never will, and that’s all anyone cares about.
“Hey,” Rian says sheepishly, standing at the foot of his bed.
“Um, hi,” he replies, tugging at the hem of his shirt self-consciously. It’s a little hard to pretend he’s fine when he feels like crying on the inside. “You can um, you can sit down if you want.” Now he understands why people have such trouble staying friends after a break-up. It’s painful as hell. He can barely handle this at all.
Vinny - very wisely - excuses himself quickly, shoving a few textbooks into his backpack and mumbles something about going to the library to study. Grieco silently thanks him for giving them some privacy, whatever is about to happen. “So, um, how have you been?” Rian asks.
“I’ve been better.” Okay, he’s being petty, but it’s easier than admitting the way he really feels, which is basically something along the lines of ‘I love you and I need you in my life and it hurts that you don’t want me anymore because of something that isn’t even my fucking fault’. Especially since the last words Rian said to him were “I think we should maybe not see each other for a little while.”
“Listen, um... I want to apologize for being an asshole about.... everything,” Rian says slowly. “I-I really miss you, and I know this probably doesn’t change anything, but just... I’m sorry.” He’s not sure if he wants to accept the apology or not, but Rian’s sitting there chewing his lip and looking at him with sad eyes and even though he’s really, really angry and hurt still, there is a small part of him that wants to curl up in Rian’s arms and be held. So he’s surprised again - and he shouldn’t really be - when Rian says, “Alex called me a selfish prick and threatened to break my kneecaps if I didn’t come over here and tell you how I feel.”
His duvet suddenly becomes very interesting as he asks, “So... How do you feel, then?” And his hair, that’s become interesting too, because he can play with it and not have to look Rian in the eye when his heart inevitably shatters into a thousand pieces.
“Um... I’m kind of in love with you.”
Then his heart is pounding in his chest and, despite his best efforts not to, there are tears forming in his eyes. “I’m - I - can I just have a h-h-hug?” Rian hugs him tightly, and it’s so overwhelming that for a few minutes he can’t do anything but bury his face in the older man’s shoulder and cry. “I love you too, you asshole,” he finally mumbles into Rian’s neck.
Rian kisses his temple lightly and pulls him down onto the mattress. “I never meant to hurt you,” he says. “I was stupid and scared and I kind of panicked. And then it was too late and I thought I’d lost you for good, and just... This isn’t something that happens every day and I didn’t know how to deal with it because all of a sudden it felt like you didn’t want me and I didn’t know what to do with that.”
“But I do want you,” Grieco whispers shyly. “I want you all the time, I just... I’m sorry I can’t be what you need me to be.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Rian says. “I’m sorry I was an idiot. D’you think you can forgive me? Because, umm, I’d kind of like to go back to the way we were and... maybe I could be your boyfriend, if you... if you wanted me to be. If you don’t, like, completely hate me by now.”
But he’s not about to let Rian off the hook that easily, so at first he pretends to be thinking about it. “I dunno,” he sighs. “I mean, you were a pretty huge asshole about it. So maybe you’d better make it up to me, you know, because I was afraid you’d hate me or something... Maybe I shouldn’t even take you back.”
He feels Rian’s grip on him tighten and he has to fight back a smile. “Please? Don’t make me tell Alex he wasted that speech about his and Jack’s everlasting love for nothing. I can’t handle another elegy full of his lovey-dovey dribble about his boyfriend.”
“Well, it depends...” he murmurs, nuzzling Rian’s neck. “Are you going to let me win at Mario Kart now?”
“Mm, yeah.”
“Good.” Then, a minute later, he adds, “You need to stop making me feel better when you’re the one I’m mad at, you fucking jerkbag,” before snuggling into Rian’s chest. He feels better than he has in days, and yeah, he probably shouldn’t be letting Rian off the hook quite so easily, but hey. Boyfriend. Cuddles. He’s kind of a sucker for both, and it’s blatantly obvious that he and Rian suck at being apart. “M’gonna kiss you now, ‘kay?” Rian responds by meeting him halfway, which says more than enough. “Mmmf.”
Basically, he never really stood a chance. Their noses bump awkwardly and it’s kind of too wet and messy, but kissing Rian gives him this all-over warm, fuzzy feeling, so he’s pleased when Rian kisses back. After a long stretch of kissing, he pulls away and curls into his boyfriend’s side happily. “Love you,” Rian says hoarsely. It’s only once they’re curled up together in his bed that he realizes that, um. He kind of gave his boyfriend a boner without meaning to. And he feels a little bad about it, but not completely horrible because it’s just basic biology and neither of them can help it, really. It’s kind of flattering, in a weird way. They fall asleep curled around each other, and Grieco is suddenly glad that Vinny has so many nameless, faceless girlfriends.
&
Evan isn’t that annoyed when Vinny shows up at the apartment at, like, ass o’clock in the morning. It’s a pretty common occurrence, so he thinks nothing of it. (Well, actually, he’s kind of secretly thrilled, but hi. Not thinking about that because he has a girlfriend. Kind of. Only maybe not so much anymore. And she’s about as lady-like as a jackhammer, anyway, so he’s not really sure she counts as a girl sometimes.) He just smiles to himself when Vinny joins him on the couch to watch shitty late-night talk to drown out the noise coming from Matt’s room.
“So I think Grieco and Ri-dawg are going to get back together,” Vinny says.
He shovels a handful of Malteasers into his mouth and replies, “Good.”
“So... are we going to talk, ever, or are you just going to keep pretending you’re in love with your girlfriend and making me sneak around?” It’s a cheap shot, but well-deserved. He somehow manages to swallow past the lump in his throat and pours another handful in, crunching them loudly enough to drown out his own thoughts. “Seriously? I’m getting fucking tired of pretending nothing’s going on, okay. I’m running out of excuses here, Ev. So it’s either she goes or I do.”
“Don’t be like that,” he says, feeling defensive and on edge. “You know how I feel about you. I’m just not ready, okay? Stop trying to force me to come out before I’m ready.”
Vinny rolls his eyes dramatically. “You haven’t been ready for a year. How is that supposed to make me feel? Like, I get it. I’m not the hottest guy ever, and I can be kind of dumb sometimes, but I’m not stupid, Evan. So I’m not going to let you keep stringing me along and making excuses for you anymore. Put up or shut up, I’m not wasting any more time on this if you’re never going to commit.”
“That’s not even - you can’t just give me an ultimatum like that, Vin. That’s not fair! You know I’d do anything for you.”
“So then do what I’ve been asking you for the last year and stop jerking me around! It’s not that hard, fuck.” And he can tell that Vinny is on the verge of tears, which - shit. He is an idiot. Vinny never cries about anything, so that makes him the worst person alive for being such an utter shithead about the whole thing. Well, at least it’s made the decision easy for him.
“I’ll be right back, okay?” he says, pulling his cell phone out of his pocket. “Don’t go anywhere, we’re going to talk about this. There’s something I have to do first.” The door to their little balcony squeals in its track when he opens it. He can’t decide if it makes him a worse person for breaking up with a girl over the phone, or for it taking him a year and an ultimatum to leave her for the person he really loves. Probably the latter, though.
&
Rian’s on top of him, looking quite embarrassed, and he would be more reassuring if the situation weren’t so unintentionally hilarious. “Awww, Ri,” he coos, “Don’t be embarrassed, baby. It happens! Honestly, I find it kind of flattering...” It happens every time they make out, so by this point in the relationship, he’s really no longer surprised or embarrassed by it, especially given how much they’ve been making out lately. Turns out that having a reward system for learning counterpoint theory works wonders, and thanks to Rian’s... admittedly somewhat questionable tutoring methods, he’s now making a solid B in that class. Plus, it has the added benefit of, well, getting to spend time with his boyfriend.
But Rian doesn’t appear to find the sentiment comforting. “I should have better self-control by now though,” he groans, rolling over onto the mattress and hiding his face in the sheets. He just sighs and rubs his boyfriend’s side affectionately. “I’m trying, okay? Doesn’t help that I find pretty much everything you do incredibly sexy.” Rian whines softly and pouts when, to his disappointment, his boyfriend sits up and stretches. “What are you doing, come back...”
“Calm down, I’m just going to the kitchen to steal the whipped cream before Dumb and Dumber use it all for their nefarious purposes. And while I’m down there, you can take care of business. I mean, you’re only human; of course you can’t help it that you find me utterly irresistible.”
“Wait, what are we going to do with that much whipped cream?” Rian asks, giving him an extremely confused look.
He smirks and says, “You’ll see,” before crawling out of bed and making a quick trip to the kitchen to look for the canister of whipped cream he hid from Jack earlier. He also grabs the container with the last of the cake Alex’s mom sent over and tucks that under his arm before grabbing a clean fork from the drawer and returning to Rian’s room. “I brought cake!” Which, of course, causes Rian to burst out laughing. They kiss for a moment before he gets bored of it and pries open the container. A man has to have his priorities, after all. And considering he’d rather have cake than sex, well... Yeah. It’s fuckin’ homemade chocolate cake and the whipped cream is full-fat.
“You are the only person I know who craves cake at eleven o’clock the day before an exam,” says Rian. “Although, you know, I’m perfectly okay with that as long as you plan on sharing it with me.”
“Dork,” he murmurs affectionately, flicking Rian on the nose, “Of course I’ll share.” So they sit and eat the last piece of cake in bed, along with most of the whipped cream. Then, in one of his finer moments, Rian tries to eat some whipped cream straight from the can and completely misses his mouth; they both start laughing and eventually they both end up covered in it, along with the sheets. Grieco rolls over, looks at his boyfriend, and groans. “We’re going to be so sticky in the morning...”
Rian grins. “What a shame we put Alex’s favourite sexual aid to such good use...”
“You know, he’ll probably try to strangle us when he realizes we ate the last of his cake,” he sighs, leaning forward to lick some of the sticky white stuff from Rian’s cheek. This in turn causes Rian to push him onto the mattress playfully and lick the whipped cream from his neck and shoulders. It tickles, so he can’t stop giggling and squirming, which he supposes was the point to begin with. “Ri, stop, you’re the worst!” he squeals, digging his heels into the mattress helplessly. “Aaaaaah, that tickles so much, I hate you...”
“I love you too,” Rian purrs, kissing his neck softly before leaning up to peck him on the lips. Now that his craving has been satisfied, he’s content to just lie there and be held until he falls asleep.
There’s a loud thump from the other side of the wall, and Jack’s muffled voice shouting, “Will you two fucking keep it down in there? I’m trying to sleep.”
It’s not that he doesn’t want to say anything, it’s just that it’s hard to find the right moment when Rian is always cuddling him and kissing him. It would make him officially the worst person ever if he said it while Rian is being all affectionate towards him. He doesn’t know how to say it without making it seem like a rejection, which is a huge problem considering he’d really like to, you know, keep dating the guy since he’s really great. This is incredibly frustrating since they’re not officially in a relationship; Rian hasn’t asked him yet and with that particular issue still up in the air, he’s not about to ask when there’s a very good chance he’s going to want to put his foot in his mouth after they talk about... that. He can’t exactly say, ‘Hey, so I want you to be my boyfriend, but you should also know that I kind of don’t want to have sex with you. Ever. But don’t feel bad, because I don’t want to have sex with anyone.’ Somehow he thinks Rian is going to be... less than thrilled by this news. In the probably-going-to-break-up-with-him way. He thinks about it all through their counterpoint lecture while Rian holds his hand under the desk.
“I need to talk to you about something after class, ‘kay?” he whispers while their professor is drawing some horribly complicated-looking rhythm on the whiteboard as an example. And he sits there for the rest of the hour watching the clock because it seems to be counting down the minutes until what could either be one of the best or worst moments of his life. Once the rest of the students start leaving the room, Rian tries to kiss him but he pulls away awkwardly and says, “Ri, this is actually kind of serious. Let’s find somewhere quiet ‘cause it’s... this is something really important.” Then he feels guilty for leaving Rian hanging because if this goes badly they’re never going to kiss again.
“Hey, you’ve been awful quiet today,” Rian says, tracing the lines in the palm of his hand gently. “You okay?” They’re sitting in the corner of the student commons, which is not exactly the ideal place to be doing this, but... there is never going to be an ideal place or time to do it. So he jumps in head-first with absolutely no idea what to say and the words just kind of come out.
“I’m... There’s something I should have told you,” he sighs, “when we first started dating. And now I’m afraid to because I feel like you have this certain expectation of me and I’m going to feel really fuckin’ awful when you realize that I am never going to be able to meet that expectation.” A huge group of giggling freshman girls in matching leggings and those ugly brown boots passes by, so he waits before continuing. Part of him wants to tell the girls, though, that those leggings really don’t double as pants if they’re sort of sheer enough that everyone can tell what colour thong they’re wearing underneath. Another part of him kind of wants to introduce them to Vinny. He snuffles and clears his throat, staring down at their hands tucked between their thighs.
Rian says, “But I don’t expect anything from you except whatever you want to give me.”
He says, “You expect things without knowing that you expect them, Ri. And so... I guess that’s why I’m telling you this now, instead of later? Only I don’t know how to say it without being completely obvious about it, so I... just...” He’s already having to blink the tears back, so they can’t look at each other or he really will start crying. “I’m asexual, Ri. Like... I don’t want to... I-I-I can’t, I don’t feel that way about you, but I still want to be with you.”
“Grieco, I’m... I... Then why did you agree to go out with me in the first place if you don’t...?” Rian’s rubbing his head, frowning, chewing on his lip. “I think we should maybe not see each other for a little while.”
Which is, to be fair, kind of what he expected to happen, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less and it doesn’t stop the tears from falling as he walks, dejected, back to his dorm alone. Vinny and Evan are there when he gets home, so they see him collapse unhappily onto the bed, sobbing. Less than thirty seconds later he feels both of them crawling onto his bed beside him, and then Vinny is rubbing his back and Evan’s already on the phone with Matt, telling him “You need to get over here right fucking now, your best friend is upset and he needs you.”
Vinny says to Evan, “Take my student card and go buy him the biggest tub of gummy worms you can find and get a huge-ass bag of M&M’s too.” He moves farther up the bed and then his fingers are in Grieco’s hair, rubbing his scalp soothingly, and he whispers, “It’s okay, he’s an asshole and he didn’t deserve you anyway.”
“But Vin, I’m in love with him,” Grieco sobs weakly, curling up into a little ball so his roommate can keep stroking his hair. He cries for a long time and for once, Vinny doesn’t act like a complete asshole about things. They stay like that until Matt arrives, and even then the three of them stay in his bed; Vinny bites all of the red gummy worms in half for him so he won’t have to eat the disgusting yellow parts and Matt holds him and tells him all of the rather inventive ways he’s planning on ending Rian. Evan calls his girlfriend and asks her to bring over every soppy break-up movie ever, and the four of them sit in the lounge until late, watching shitty Drew Barrymore rom-coms and eating way too much candy and chocolate.
&
Rian pushes his face into Alex’s stomach and groans. It’s not the same. Because first of all, Alex belongs to somebody else - who also happens to be one of his best friends - and secondly because it’s not Alex that he wants to be with. He’s been wallowing in his own abject misery for a week and a half and he only keeps feeling more miserable. He doesn’t know how else to feel in the face of the most crippling rejection he’s ever faced. All he’s done for eleven and a half days is lie on the couch watching crappy daytime talk shows throwing popcorn at Tyra Banks and Ellen every time they have a show about people making their unconventional relationships work. Fuck, he doesn’t want to hear about people making it work. Grieco doesn’t want him. Alex and Jack finally realized something was wrong with him and now Alex stays home with him because - according to them - sitting in his underwear shouting at their third-favourite lesbian isn’t healthy behaviour.
“You could talk to him, you know,” Alex murmurs, flipping the television between a rerun of Spongebob and CNN. “I talked to Matt yesterday and from what he said, Grieco is at least half as miserable as you are without him.”
“Mmmmmf.”
Alex sighs and forces him to sit up. “You’re being ridiculous, Ri. You’re acting like an insensitive, self-centered brat, and I’m fucking sick of it. Okay? So the guy you like-”
“-I’m in love with him,” Rian interjects.
“Alright, so the guy you love doesn’t want to have sex with you. Is that really the end of the world? Is that really all you’re interested in him for? Because if that’s it, then that’s kind of shitty, bro.” Alex picks at the hole in his t-shirt like a concerned mother. It’s - to be really honest - kind of annoying. And it’s completely hypocritical of Alex to say something like that, considering his relationship with Jack appears to be solely based on sex. The dark purple hickey peeking out from the v-neck of his shirt is the brand of a fool. “Hey, fucking listen to me, you raging asshole.”
Rian groans again and throws a handful of stale popcorn at him. He doesn’t want to listen. He wants to lie there until the end of the world because - of course - the only good thing in his life was too good to be true. Alex doesn’t even understand what it’s like to feel unwanted by the one person he wants more than anything. Because all stupid Alex does is have loud sex with his stupid boyfriend and it makes him feel even worse because... It just feels really awful. He imagines his heart as a smoldering pile of ash sitting low in his chest - which is kind of true, actually - and lies his head on Alex’s shoulder. “Oh, you’re one to talk. All you and Jack ever do is have sex.”
Alex frowns. “That’s not true. Remember last winter when my depression got so bad I refused to leave my room for a month?”
Rian nods. Alex had been a pissy little bitch then and he yelled - at least once a day, usually more - about how much he hated himself and everyone around him whenever someone tried to talk to him. “Yeah,” he says, unsure of where this story is going or what it has to do with the fact that his heart is irreversibly broken.
“Remember how mean I was to Jack when my doctor switched my meds and how many times he slept on the couch because I didn’t want him around me? We didn’t have sex that entire time. Every night I tried to make him sleep on the couch, he waited until I was asleep and then he’d come back upstairs and hold me because he missed me. I was, like, incapable of sex during that whole time and he still took care of me. No matter how much shit I said to him, he never went away. That’s how I knew he was in love with me. He was willing to compromise and he stayed with me through one of my worst depressions and never asked for anything in return. And some days I still don’t feel much like having sex with him, and yeah, we get pissed at each other sometimes because of it, but... In the grand scheme of things, it’s not the most important part of our relationship by a long stretch. I love him more for the little things, you know? Like, he reminds me every morning to take my meds and just... Ri, you can’t completely write him off because of one stupid thing that you can work around. I can see how much you love him, and it kills me that you two aren’t together anymore.”
Alex’s speech has him in tears. He presses his face into Alex’s shoulder and cries shakily. “Fuck, you’re such an asshole, stop making me feel like shit about it.”
“Ri, you can’t really miss something you’ve never had with somebody. He’s still the same person you fell in love with. You see that, don’t you?” His entire body is trembling and he feels like he’s going to throw up. “He’s still the same kid you spent a year pining over. So don’t throw that away over something stupid that you two can work out, okay? I love you, bro.” Alex perks up when he hears the front door click open.
Jack looks at them curled up on the couch and pouts. “You guys are cuddling and didn’t invite me?” Rian watches the way his best friends look at each other - Alex’s eyes just completely light up and he’s got this stupid little smile on his face - and he decides, yeah, that’s love.
“How was class, love?” Alex asks, leaning up to meet Jack’s lips.
“Would’ve been better if you were there,” Jack whines childishly. “I missed you. If I have a nap, will you come lay with me for a bit before my next class?”
Rian nudges Alex with his elbow - trying to say that he’ll be okay without having to come right out and say it - until Alex sighs and says, “Yeah, I’ll be up in a bit. I just need to finish talking to Rian about something first. But I promise I’ll come up and hold you soon, okay babe?” Once Jack has disappeared upstairs, Alex looks at him seriously and tells him, “If you don’t talk to him soon, I’m going to tell Matt that he has my full permission to break your kneecaps. Either that, or I’m going to tell Kara what you’ve done and let you face her wrath.”
“Okay, okay,” he groans. “I’ll go talk to him, but I kind of need a shower first.”
Alex pats him on the back and says, cheerfully, “That’s the spirit. You have nothing to be afraid of; he loves you too. Now go get cleaned up and then get your boy back. I’m going to go hang out with Jack; he’s been feeling kind of neglected ever since you decided to be a douche-nozzle and break up with Grieco over something this dumb.” Yeah, Alex really fuckin’ sucks at cursing. He should know; he has to listen to it every time Alex and Jack have sex. Douche-nozzle. What kind of word is that?
&
It’s late - maybe ten or eleven o’clock at night - when someone knocks on their door. Grieco barely even looks up from the textbook he’s been poring over for the last hour, just rolls his eyes and says, “Vinny, get the door,” miserably. He’s not surprised when a pair of rolled-up socks hit him in the head. He has been kind of unbearably clingy ever since the break-up and Vinny’s gotten the worst of it on the basis that they’re roommates, so he doesn’t really ever get a break from it.
But he is surprised when Vinny shuts the door most of the way, looks at him and stage-whispers, “It’s Rian and he says he wants to talk to you! D’you want me to let him in, or...”
“Yeah, whatever.” He’s surprised to hear his own voice agreeing to it before he’s even thought about it. Fuck. But on the other hand, just the thought of talking to Rian makes his heart swell and ache. He flips his book shut and sits up, trying to at least look better than he feels, which is a feat considering he’s wearing one of Vinny’s varsity soccer t-shirts and a pair of baggy, stained pajama bottoms. In other words, it looks kind of like he’s been to hell and back recently; his bangs are flopping in his eyes and the roots are starting to grow in where Lisa convinced him it would be a good idea to bleach his hair to make him feel better about everything. It’s stupid that he even cares what he looks like or what Rian even thinks about him since they’re broken up. Neither of them are supposed to care. He’s defective anyway. Damaged goods, relationship-wise, since he doesn’t want sex and he never will, and that’s all anyone cares about.
“Hey,” Rian says sheepishly, standing at the foot of his bed.
“Um, hi,” he replies, tugging at the hem of his shirt self-consciously. It’s a little hard to pretend he’s fine when he feels like crying on the inside. “You can um, you can sit down if you want.” Now he understands why people have such trouble staying friends after a break-up. It’s painful as hell. He can barely handle this at all.
Vinny - very wisely - excuses himself quickly, shoving a few textbooks into his backpack and mumbles something about going to the library to study. Grieco silently thanks him for giving them some privacy, whatever is about to happen. “So, um, how have you been?” Rian asks.
“I’ve been better.” Okay, he’s being petty, but it’s easier than admitting the way he really feels, which is basically something along the lines of ‘I love you and I need you in my life and it hurts that you don’t want me anymore because of something that isn’t even my fucking fault’. Especially since the last words Rian said to him were “I think we should maybe not see each other for a little while.”
“Listen, um... I want to apologize for being an asshole about.... everything,” Rian says slowly. “I-I really miss you, and I know this probably doesn’t change anything, but just... I’m sorry.” He’s not sure if he wants to accept the apology or not, but Rian’s sitting there chewing his lip and looking at him with sad eyes and even though he’s really, really angry and hurt still, there is a small part of him that wants to curl up in Rian’s arms and be held. So he’s surprised again - and he shouldn’t really be - when Rian says, “Alex called me a selfish prick and threatened to break my kneecaps if I didn’t come over here and tell you how I feel.”
His duvet suddenly becomes very interesting as he asks, “So... How do you feel, then?” And his hair, that’s become interesting too, because he can play with it and not have to look Rian in the eye when his heart inevitably shatters into a thousand pieces.
“Um... I’m kind of in love with you.”
Then his heart is pounding in his chest and, despite his best efforts not to, there are tears forming in his eyes. “I’m - I - can I just have a h-h-hug?” Rian hugs him tightly, and it’s so overwhelming that for a few minutes he can’t do anything but bury his face in the older man’s shoulder and cry. “I love you too, you asshole,” he finally mumbles into Rian’s neck.
Rian kisses his temple lightly and pulls him down onto the mattress. “I never meant to hurt you,” he says. “I was stupid and scared and I kind of panicked. And then it was too late and I thought I’d lost you for good, and just... This isn’t something that happens every day and I didn’t know how to deal with it because all of a sudden it felt like you didn’t want me and I didn’t know what to do with that.”
“But I do want you,” Grieco whispers shyly. “I want you all the time, I just... I’m sorry I can’t be what you need me to be.”
“Don’t be sorry,” Rian says. “I’m sorry I was an idiot. D’you think you can forgive me? Because, umm, I’d kind of like to go back to the way we were and... maybe I could be your boyfriend, if you... if you wanted me to be. If you don’t, like, completely hate me by now.”
But he’s not about to let Rian off the hook that easily, so at first he pretends to be thinking about it. “I dunno,” he sighs. “I mean, you were a pretty huge asshole about it. So maybe you’d better make it up to me, you know, because I was afraid you’d hate me or something... Maybe I shouldn’t even take you back.”
He feels Rian’s grip on him tighten and he has to fight back a smile. “Please? Don’t make me tell Alex he wasted that speech about his and Jack’s everlasting love for nothing. I can’t handle another elegy full of his lovey-dovey dribble about his boyfriend.”
“Well, it depends...” he murmurs, nuzzling Rian’s neck. “Are you going to let me win at Mario Kart now?”
“Mm, yeah.”
“Good.” Then, a minute later, he adds, “You need to stop making me feel better when you’re the one I’m mad at, you fucking jerkbag,” before snuggling into Rian’s chest. He feels better than he has in days, and yeah, he probably shouldn’t be letting Rian off the hook quite so easily, but hey. Boyfriend. Cuddles. He’s kind of a sucker for both, and it’s blatantly obvious that he and Rian suck at being apart. “M’gonna kiss you now, ‘kay?” Rian responds by meeting him halfway, which says more than enough. “Mmmf.”
Basically, he never really stood a chance. Their noses bump awkwardly and it’s kind of too wet and messy, but kissing Rian gives him this all-over warm, fuzzy feeling, so he’s pleased when Rian kisses back. After a long stretch of kissing, he pulls away and curls into his boyfriend’s side happily. “Love you,” Rian says hoarsely. It’s only once they’re curled up together in his bed that he realizes that, um. He kind of gave his boyfriend a boner without meaning to. And he feels a little bad about it, but not completely horrible because it’s just basic biology and neither of them can help it, really. It’s kind of flattering, in a weird way. They fall asleep curled around each other, and Grieco is suddenly glad that Vinny has so many nameless, faceless girlfriends.
&
Evan isn’t that annoyed when Vinny shows up at the apartment at, like, ass o’clock in the morning. It’s a pretty common occurrence, so he thinks nothing of it. (Well, actually, he’s kind of secretly thrilled, but hi. Not thinking about that because he has a girlfriend. Kind of. Only maybe not so much anymore. And she’s about as lady-like as a jackhammer, anyway, so he’s not really sure she counts as a girl sometimes.) He just smiles to himself when Vinny joins him on the couch to watch shitty late-night talk to drown out the noise coming from Matt’s room.
“So I think Grieco and Ri-dawg are going to get back together,” Vinny says.
He shovels a handful of Malteasers into his mouth and replies, “Good.”
“So... are we going to talk, ever, or are you just going to keep pretending you’re in love with your girlfriend and making me sneak around?” It’s a cheap shot, but well-deserved. He somehow manages to swallow past the lump in his throat and pours another handful in, crunching them loudly enough to drown out his own thoughts. “Seriously? I’m getting fucking tired of pretending nothing’s going on, okay. I’m running out of excuses here, Ev. So it’s either she goes or I do.”
“Don’t be like that,” he says, feeling defensive and on edge. “You know how I feel about you. I’m just not ready, okay? Stop trying to force me to come out before I’m ready.”
Vinny rolls his eyes dramatically. “You haven’t been ready for a year. How is that supposed to make me feel? Like, I get it. I’m not the hottest guy ever, and I can be kind of dumb sometimes, but I’m not stupid, Evan. So I’m not going to let you keep stringing me along and making excuses for you anymore. Put up or shut up, I’m not wasting any more time on this if you’re never going to commit.”
“That’s not even - you can’t just give me an ultimatum like that, Vin. That’s not fair! You know I’d do anything for you.”
“So then do what I’ve been asking you for the last year and stop jerking me around! It’s not that hard, fuck.” And he can tell that Vinny is on the verge of tears, which - shit. He is an idiot. Vinny never cries about anything, so that makes him the worst person alive for being such an utter shithead about the whole thing. Well, at least it’s made the decision easy for him.
“I’ll be right back, okay?” he says, pulling his cell phone out of his pocket. “Don’t go anywhere, we’re going to talk about this. There’s something I have to do first.” The door to their little balcony squeals in its track when he opens it. He can’t decide if it makes him a worse person for breaking up with a girl over the phone, or for it taking him a year and an ultimatum to leave her for the person he really loves. Probably the latter, though.
&
Rian’s on top of him, looking quite embarrassed, and he would be more reassuring if the situation weren’t so unintentionally hilarious. “Awww, Ri,” he coos, “Don’t be embarrassed, baby. It happens! Honestly, I find it kind of flattering...” It happens every time they make out, so by this point in the relationship, he’s really no longer surprised or embarrassed by it, especially given how much they’ve been making out lately. Turns out that having a reward system for learning counterpoint theory works wonders, and thanks to Rian’s... admittedly somewhat questionable tutoring methods, he’s now making a solid B in that class. Plus, it has the added benefit of, well, getting to spend time with his boyfriend.
But Rian doesn’t appear to find the sentiment comforting. “I should have better self-control by now though,” he groans, rolling over onto the mattress and hiding his face in the sheets. He just sighs and rubs his boyfriend’s side affectionately. “I’m trying, okay? Doesn’t help that I find pretty much everything you do incredibly sexy.” Rian whines softly and pouts when, to his disappointment, his boyfriend sits up and stretches. “What are you doing, come back...”
“Calm down, I’m just going to the kitchen to steal the whipped cream before Dumb and Dumber use it all for their nefarious purposes. And while I’m down there, you can take care of business. I mean, you’re only human; of course you can’t help it that you find me utterly irresistible.”
“Wait, what are we going to do with that much whipped cream?” Rian asks, giving him an extremely confused look.
He smirks and says, “You’ll see,” before crawling out of bed and making a quick trip to the kitchen to look for the canister of whipped cream he hid from Jack earlier. He also grabs the container with the last of the cake Alex’s mom sent over and tucks that under his arm before grabbing a clean fork from the drawer and returning to Rian’s room. “I brought cake!” Which, of course, causes Rian to burst out laughing. They kiss for a moment before he gets bored of it and pries open the container. A man has to have his priorities, after all. And considering he’d rather have cake than sex, well... Yeah. It’s fuckin’ homemade chocolate cake and the whipped cream is full-fat.
“You are the only person I know who craves cake at eleven o’clock the day before an exam,” says Rian. “Although, you know, I’m perfectly okay with that as long as you plan on sharing it with me.”
“Dork,” he murmurs affectionately, flicking Rian on the nose, “Of course I’ll share.” So they sit and eat the last piece of cake in bed, along with most of the whipped cream. Then, in one of his finer moments, Rian tries to eat some whipped cream straight from the can and completely misses his mouth; they both start laughing and eventually they both end up covered in it, along with the sheets. Grieco rolls over, looks at his boyfriend, and groans. “We’re going to be so sticky in the morning...”
Rian grins. “What a shame we put Alex’s favourite sexual aid to such good use...”
“You know, he’ll probably try to strangle us when he realizes we ate the last of his cake,” he sighs, leaning forward to lick some of the sticky white stuff from Rian’s cheek. This in turn causes Rian to push him onto the mattress playfully and lick the whipped cream from his neck and shoulders. It tickles, so he can’t stop giggling and squirming, which he supposes was the point to begin with. “Ri, stop, you’re the worst!” he squeals, digging his heels into the mattress helplessly. “Aaaaaah, that tickles so much, I hate you...”
“I love you too,” Rian purrs, kissing his neck softly before leaning up to peck him on the lips. Now that his craving has been satisfied, he’s content to just lie there and be held until he falls asleep.
There’s a loud thump from the other side of the wall, and Jack’s muffled voice shouting, “Will you two fucking keep it down in there? I’m trying to sleep.”