(no subject)
i think one of the hardest things to get past is the state of me and billys friendship when he died. we didnt really hangout much, when we did it was strained because i was so uncomfortable around him. his lifestyle and mine clashed so hard that i really couldnt relax. so in may and before we werent really that cool. he screwed me with weed deals, i mainly bought from him for convenience and nostalgia. i avoided his calls, id blow him off, hed blow me off sometimes i think, it certainly wasnt the old days. hell, his myspace has like top 24 and im not even on there. not that thats a huge thing but its a testament to the fact.
in an epic culmination of events, he called me the night of and blah blah. but its symbolic, its symbolic that an ex best friend wouldnt even visit him the night he died, because he was so fucked up. the drugs and lifestyle turned people away. is it a fairy tale ending? no. is it a hard lesson? yeah. what did we learn though? should i now constantly place myself in danger with friends that just keep getting crazier? should i warn my friends to slow down even if it will piss them off to no end?
i dont know what i learned or what anyone learned from his death. it seems like the only thing that happened was Death collected his soul due to an outstanding debt of outrageous living. billy signed a deal with the devil by picking up those habits so carelessly, by choosing to walk that way despite every possible warning and helping hand, he chose to put himself in the position that ultimately killed him.
im not faulting him either. as phil dick says, he was punished entirely too much for wanting to have fun. and through his addiction everyone around him was punished, because so many people loved him. it still is extremely difficult to comprehend for me, i still get choked up if i think about it too personally sometimes.
so when dealing with loss, when it hits so close, you know that thinking about someone is nice but it is retroactive. then again, putting them out of your mind entirely risks losing the freshness of some of those memories. do you keep burning yourself or do you let it die, quite literally?