Calling marlenem up to bat. (Part 2)
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Title: Chasing Dreams
Pairing: RyoKame (Nishikido Ryo x Kamenashi Kazuya)
Wordcount: 17 021
Rating: PG-13
Genre/Warning: Angst/ Psychological/ Romance
Notes: Dear
marlenem, I hope you like this :) As you will see, once you start reading, I tried to incorporate a few of your preferences into one thing :D Hopefully, that didn't turn out too badly lol XD Also, thank you to my beta for all her help with this fic :) My struggle to be a perfectionist while writing this fic probably annoyed her too many times to count :)
Summary: They pretend for now, like perfect fools in love, that life is perfect.
--
Kamenashi Kazuya has no delusions about what other people think of him; as he sits in the doctor's office, doing nothing but ignoring the man while looking through the recent photos stored on his camera, he knows that his doctor thinks he's an irritating patient who won't listen and will always be too stubborn to try to improve himself.
Kazuya disagrees with that; just because he doesn't talk to the doctor himself doesn't mean that Kazuya doesn't listen. He listens very much to the things the man rambles on about when the silence is too overwhelming for him to endure - things like ways to at least help keep his episodes away. Most of the time, the strategies don't work, but sometimes they do.
Most of the time, Kazuya thinks of Ryo and how happy Ryo is - although he tries not to show it - whenever Kazuya has a good day, with no episodes, and no period of anxiety afterwards. Really, sometimes Ryo is so easy to please - even though Ryo would never admit that either.
But Kazuya wishes it was easier to please Ryo; he wishes that he could control when these episodes happen so that Ryo never has to see them. He knows it's hard on Ryo, but Kazuya's lucky in that Ryo takes it better than Kazuya's family and friends have taken it.
"Tell me about your boyfriend," the doctor says, cutting through Kazuya's train of thought, "How does he handle things at home?"
Kazuya knows what he wants - he wants Kazuya to claim Ryo's a horrible person so that he can chalk up Kazuya's unwillingness to cooperate with him to Ryo's influence.
But Kazuya just doesn't want to talk to him. He only comes here because…
Well, Kazuya doesn't really know why, but he knows that sitting here and listening to whatever the doctor says about his condition somewhat helps. It's when the man tries to start digging into Kazuya's life that he begins to have problems with these sessions; it's when he starts trying to find out personal things that Kazuya doesn't want to share with a psychiatrist who will analyze Kazuya and his answers.
Kazuya can't help but scoff at the doctor sometimes. He always starts off so well, but apparently silence isn't something the man can handle well, because he then descends into asking questions that Kazuya doesn't want to answer. If Kazuya wants to talk about it, he would have brought it up before; it's that simple, but people never seem to really think that way. Kazuya wonders if spending too much time detached from reality makes him think differently.
Or maybe Kazuya's just too spoiled from having Ryo as his constant, and oftentimes only companion.
Ryo understands him more than most people would, or at least, he's trying. He's certainly less prone to saying the wrong things than he used to be, but Kazuya never minded that about Ryo.
To Kazuya, Ryo's honesty is a marvellous thing.
Maybe that's what drew him to Ryo even when he got insulted and belittled every time he talked to Ryo - because he knew that, with that sort of character, Ryo would be one of the only people who would treat him the same no matter what.
When the session is over, Kazuya thanks the doctor. He has a feeling that the doctor is always perplexed at why he's getting thanked for letting Kazuya sit there and ignore him, but the time he spends spacing out on the doctor's questions lets him evaluate himself, as well as people and things that affect him, so he's grateful for that at least.
To his surprise, when he walks into the waiting room to wait for Ryo, his lover is already there.
He blinks, sure that Ryo said that he would be helping out back at the shop. It's what Ryo always does.
"You weren't waiting all this time, were you?" Kazuya demands with a frown, not liking the fact that Ryo wasted an hour and a half just sitting around and waiting for him when he could be doing something else.
That's another reason Kazuya still goes to the doctor; it gives him a place to be that Ryo's reassured of, one that will allow Ryo to do whatever he wants for a while. Kazuya isn't blind; he knows his condition has affected Ryo more than the older man is willing to admit, so much so that he spends way too much time concerned about Kazuya for Kazuya's liking.
Sometimes, he wonders if he did the right thing by getting into a relationship with Ryo; Kazuya is happy but sometimes, he wonders if he ruined Ryo's life by being in his life.
"I stopped by the store for a bit," Ryo says with a frown playing on his lips at the mention of the store. Kazuya wonders what could have caused that.
Ryo's next words cause him to freeze and think he's hearing wrong though.
"Ueda's back in town and wanted to talk."
Kazuya's sure he's hearing wrong.
"He is?" Kazuya says in disbelief; he can't help but feel a bit shocked that Ueda didn’t mention a word. He gets emails from Ueda every once in a while, but not once did Ueda ever hint that he would be back in town any time soon.
Ryo's lips curl up into a sardonic and sarcastic smile, "I've been duly threatened." he intones.
Kazuya sighs a little. Of course, he expected it; Ueda's never really approved of Ryo. Ueda made sure to find out all he could about Ryo when Kazuya started to date him; the results didn't exactly endear Ryo to Ueda. The fact that the first time Ryo and Ueda met, Ryo, in his classical, almost trademark fashion, insulted Ueda, and then proceeded to insult Kazuya as well may have something to do with that disapproval.
Of course, after months of knowing Ryo, Kazuya was used to it. He even started to like it, because it meant that at least Ryo would be up front with him about things. Being told he looks like shit when he barely slept the night before was a strangely refreshing experience.
"What did he say?" Kazuya asks in frustration, wondering how it was possible that two people he loved - in completely different ways, of course - could hate each other so much.
"He implied that he thinks I’m forcing you to stay with me, and that I'm probably doing horrible things to you because you won't protest because, apparently, you’re entirely dependent on me now,” Ryo scoffs as he says that, which makes Kazuya crack a smile, “And since you spend most of your time with me, nobody would be able to tell if something was wrong." Ryo says flatly, "Because apparently, that's just the sort of thing I would get off on." he says sarcastically.
Kazuya can see through it though. He knows how much these accusations bother Ryo, especially as Ryo does his best to make sure that despite everything, Kazuya's happy in his life.
Kazuya takes Ryo's hand sadly, but doesn't say a word, and merely pulls him along down the street. He ignores Ryo's protests and demands of where they're going, and just walks. He wants to find something that will distract Ryo from the reality around them.
Ryo's a bit of a softie in denial, he knows; Ryo treats him this well, works so hard for him, because once Ryo found love, he couldn't handle the fact that love doesn't fix everything wrong in the world.
Ryo can't handle that love won't fix Kazuya.
* * *
Kazuya has an obsession.
And no, it’s not photography like Ryo seems to think; Kazuya cracks a smile as he stares at the sleeping form of Ryo. He wonders if Ryo will ever realize that he wakes up long before Ryo thinks he does - for moments like this. For moments when he can sit up in their bed, slightly protected by the covers, and point a camera at Ryo’s sleeping face without his lover protesting like a shy little kid.
Kazuya laughs softly under his breath at the idea; Ryo can sometimes act like that, that’s why he’s so easy to tease. All he has to do is mention Ryo’s tendency to get easily flustered and embarrassed and Ryo really will get embarrassed and try his best not to show that he is. It’s actually fairly amusing.
Kazuya thinks it’s fairly obvious what his obsession is. Other than photography, because he admits that it’s a sort of obsession too. He’s obsessed with Ryo. Anyone with two eyes can see that.
He spends his every waking moment with Ryo, or at least he tries to. Kazuya frowns darkly at the moments when he does spend time with Ryo, but to him, they seem more like a dream. He hates those moments - those ‘episodes’ as Ryo calls them - because it feels like someone’s robbed him of something precious.
If it was just a few moments, half an hour, a day in that state, Kazuya couldn’t care less. Well, that’s not entirely true; he’d be a bit upset at it, and he is upset when he snaps out of it and realizes it’s happened again. When he snaps out of that state, he can feel the anxiousness building up at startling quick levels; his control when he’s in that state is gone, and it feels like someone is possessing him, or he’s trapped in a body that’s not his, but looks like his. It’s a frightening predicament.
But what’s really aggravating, when he recovers from the state of anxiety, is the idea that someone has stolen some of his time with Ryo, with his true obsession.
Kazuya lets out a sigh as he snaps a picture of Ryo; when the preview appears on the screen, he smiles to himself, tracing fingers over the features of Ryo’s face on the screen. Then he chuckles to himself, wondering why he’s caressing the camera when he can feel up the real thing instead.
The movement, and possibly the sound, wakes Ryo up; the older man’s eyes open slowly, with what looks to be a groan on his lips as he peers around. When his eyes settle on Kazuya, and the camera, he looks like he’s debating something within himself.
Finally…
“You have bed hair and you look horrible,” Ryo says in greeting, “Why am I dating you again?”
“Good morning to you, too,” Kazuya returns without even a flinch. By now, he’s totally fluent in Ryo-language.
A smirk tugs on Ryo’s lips as he sits up, reaching for the camera. Kazuya quickly puts it out of reach.
“How long have you been up?” Ryo demands.
“Not long,” Kazuya answers with a grin.
Ryo stares suspiciously at him.
Kazuya, of course, would never tell anyone about the various - slightly embarrassing - things he hears Ryo mutter in his sleep. Unless Ryo decides to be a jackass. Then he’ll use it as blackmail.
Ryo sighs in exasperation, “And people think I’m the evil one in this relationship,” he complains.
“You are,” Kazuya agrees with a grin, “It’s absolutely appalling how horrible you are to me. I mean, you haven’t even insulted my weight or lack of it, my work ethic, or my integrity yet this morning. How dare you.”
He can’t help it and bursts out laughing as soon as he says it.
A snicker escapes Ryo, and in a fluid motion, Kazuya suddenly finds himself unable to move, trapped between the headboard of the bed and Ryo.
He breathes out anxiously.
The good kind of anxious.
“Good morning then,” Ryo says in a low hiss that makes Kazuya squirm against him.
“It will be,” Kazuya’s words are cut off by Ryo’s mouth on his.
Kazuya calls it obsession, but once upon a time, he admitted to himself that it could just be love.
* * *
Kazuya absolutely hates his bad days. He hates it when he spends most of the day in the midst of an episode, and he hates it when he comes out of it, and it feels like he's being choked by the world around him. That's another reason why Kazuya hates talking to people, the doctor in particular, about his problems. They don't understand.
How could they possible understand the sensation of feeling like you're watching your life from a third-person perspective, and it's your body, but it feels like you have no control over it. Kazuya constantly feels panicked during his bad days, as he thinks about how little control he has over himself; he could probably walk out into the middle of the street amidst rushing cars and not be able to react because he doesn't feel like he has the control to react.
Kazuya's been told that he should be happy that it's not something worse, like a psychosis, where he wouldn't even be able to tell the difference between his internal self and the reality outside of his mind.
But he can't be.
Kazuya understands his mind far too well, as he spends enough time trapped inside it - or that's how it seems most of the time.
When his family first found out, their reaction was to ask him if it was really that serious - because to them, detachment from reality didn’t seem all bad. After all, it'd just be like watching your life as though it were a movie, right?
Kazuya snapped back then, asking them how they would feel to not be able to control anything about themselves, to be afraid of that feeling, and to have their consciousness threatened on a daily basis, and with the detachment, their sense of identity, as well?
They hadn't understood; Kazuya wonders if his family would ever really understand. He doesn't think his friends really do either; they try, they really do, and maybe Kazuya gave up much too easily, but they don't seem to be able to understand that when Kazuya's not in that state, when he's lucky enough to be himself, he wants to be treated like himself.
Ryo's the only one who's managed that so far.
But then again, Ryo's been there for Kazuya constantly. Kazuya had wondered; in the depths of the night, before Ryo found out, he had wondered to himself whether telling Ryo would mean breaking up with Ryo as well. Before he dated Kazuya, Ryo hadn't really had a meaningful relationship. Kazuya's always surprised that it's him that Ryo's stayed for.
And these days, left alone to ponder at night, he fears that it's his condition that Ryo stays for.
It's one of his bad days today, and as Kazuya's consciousness almost seems to be yanked away from his body - it hasn't really but it does feel like it has - he wishes he knew what causes these episodes, so he can try to stop it. They've gotten better though, they happen less often. From what his doctor has rambled on about, Kazuya's guessing that having a healthy romantic relationship has helped with that.
Kazuya's lucky in that regard. His doctor has told him of other patients with his disorder who have gotten worse over time because of stress, being in an unfamiliar environment, and sometimes, because their condition makes it so that their relationships with other people are stressed and sometimes non-existent. This condition doesn't normally bode well for relationships.
So, in a nutshell, Kazuya's lucky to have Ryo.
It's entirely possible that Ryo's heard of these facts, and stories, and is determined to prove everyone wrong.
Kazuya tries desperately to make his body smile at Ryo; it doesn't feel like it's going to work. He's surprised when it finally does though, and Ryo's lips turn up as well.
It's really sad how such a little thing feels like such a big achievement to Kazuya.
When he's finally out of that state, and feeling like he's 'back in his body' - even though he knows he never really left -, Kazuya almost immediately descends into panic. It's like when he's in that state, he's detached from some of his emotions as well and when those episodes end, he can't help but feel all the panic and anxiety from being in that state hit him.
And he may be going crazy; it can't be good to keep going through this, over and over. It certainly feels like he's going insane; he doesn't even have a good grasp of control over his own body, how can he ever expect to have a good grasp of control over his mind? Maybe his mind will be the next thing to go, and Kazuya will have nothing then - right now, a somewhat stable mind and the ability to think is what's keeping him from going over the edge, but what if he loses that too? He doesn't want to lose his mind…but it feels like he's looming closer and closer every time he's in that state.
"You're fine."
Kazuya startles when he feels fingers running roughly along his jaw line. His eyes flicker toward Ryo's dark ones.
"You're not going crazy, or losing your mind," Ryo continues, apparently more than aware of Kazuya's mental state - or worries about his mental state - after an episode, "You're not allowed to." he finishes with a satisfied smirk that's probably only meant to reassure Kazuya.
"I'm not?" Kazuya asks sardonically, but feeling strangely reassured by the empty promises.
"I'm much more important than some disorder," Ryo says in a smug tone, "So my word is more powerful. And I say you're not allowed to lose your mind."
Kazuya merely laughs sharply.
Trust Ryo to try to exert his superiority over something intangible.
* * *
When Ryo shows signs of still being disturbed by his talk with Ueda, Kazuya knows that there's something more going on than just the normal conversation that happens between Ryo and Ueda. These arguments have been going on for what seems to be forever, and Kazuya is extremely exasperated by the fact that there seems to be no end to these arguments no matter how hard he tries.
He thought there had been a breakthrough when Ueda went off to work across the country, and Kazuya's best friend had barely protested about leaving Ryo to watch out for him, but apparently, it was just him being optimistic.
So, one day, Kazuya gets Ryo to take him to see Koki.
Well, Kazuya says he will be going to see Koki, and Ryo protests for a while before giving in and muttering that he'll take Kazuya there. Kazuya merely shakes his head with a smile in agreement, knowing that sometimes, they share the same fear that one day, an episode will occur while he's by himself on the street and Kazuya will walk into the path of a moving car.
Kazuya's had a few close calls, and Ryo will never let Kazuya live down that time that he, in one of his episodes, walked straight into a police car parked on the street. Ryo will also never let Kazuya live down the fact that the older man had needed to leave work to pick Kazuya up from the police station.
Kazuya grumbles about the fact that Ryo will never let him walk to places on his own anymore, and that maybe he needs to dig out blackmail material sometime soon.
Ryo swats him over the head for that, and demands for all of Kazuya's blackmail material to be handed over.
Kazuya merely smirks in response.
"Call me when you're done," Ryo says in a low voice as they come to a stop in front of Koki's apartment. He turns to head back to the elevator, casting a wary glance at Kazuya, "If you wander anywhere, and you end up at the police station again, I'm going to leave you," he says with a smirk, "I’m not sure I want a boyfriend who spends so much time at the police station."
Kazuya groans and demands irritably, "Are you ever going to let that go?!" he demands.
"No," Ryo snickers before he gets onto the elevator and the doors close.
Kazuya turns, suppresses an amused smile, and knocks on Koki's door. There's silence for a moment, before there's a shout.
"Who is it? If it's you, Junno, I locked you out for a reason. Are you done with the puns yet?!"
Kazuya has to smile at the familiar voice - and the familiar abuse of Junno.
"It's Kazuya," he states dryly.
He hears another silence, before suddenly, there's the sound of feet moving quickly across floorboards, and the frantic sound of the chain in the door being removed. The door swings open.
"Kazuya," Koki says, almost in shock, and a grin begins to make its way across his face.
"You locked Junno out?" Kazuya asks in curiosity, "And hey."
He isn't too surprised when Koki looks like he wants to knock him over with a hug, but refrains from doing so, and asks tentatively, "How are you?" he asks.
Kazuya understands though; he knows how difficult it has been for his friends to come to terms with his condition. Their initial reactions were to treat him like he's fragile, but Kazuya hated that - he really hated that. He doesn't want to be different.
"I'm good," he says with a smile, "Can you call Ueda? We can catch up while we wait for him to get here."
Koki raises an eyebrow.
"I don't have his number, and I have to threaten him about threatening my boyfriend." Kazuya says cheerfully.
Koki cracks into a grin, "Same old thing, huh?"
Kazuya returns the grin, wishing he didn't feel as bad about how a simple smile from him makes his friend almost seem to burst with happiness. Perhaps he hasn't given his friends enough time to get used to the condition, and perhaps he hasn’t spent enough time trying to help them understand that he wasn't an invalid or a different person.
And maybe, Kazuya went just a bit too far trying to protect his relationship with Ryo, to protect Ryo from what it meant to date him.
* * *
By the time Ueda arrives, Kazuya and Koki have gotten over the initial awkwardness and have been catching up with each other. To Kazuya's relief, Koki seems wary about mentioning anything about Kazuya's condition and that topic is never broached. It's almost like they've gone back in time to before Kazuya found out about his condition, and everything is all normal between them.
Ueda blinks in surprise when he opens the door that Koki left unlocked and sees them sitting and talking. He stares at Kazuya, and then turns to Koki.
"You didn’t mention that Kazuya was here," Ueda comments, "So Nishikido finally let you out?" he asks with a peculiar tone in his voice.
Kazuya rolls his eyes, "Just because you don't like him doesn't mean he's keeping me locked up." he says in reply, matching Ueda’s tone exactly.
Ueda cracks a small smile, "Still defending him then?"
Kazuya nods, "Until he does something that punching him and giving him a black eye won't fix." he agrees, “But I’ve yet to come across a problem where doing some damage to his ego doesn’t fix everything.”
"I'm under the impression that he already has done that. The unforgivable thing, I mean." Ueda comments as he sets his things down and looks pointedly at Kazuya.
"Because I haven't seen anyone else lately?" Kazuya questions, and waves off Ueda's nod, "I hardly think that's a reason to accuse him of mistreating me."
"It is when your emails don't have much detail, Koki, Maru and Junno haven't seen you in months, and the one thing that's changed is that you're constantly with Nishikido." Ueda argues.
"Normally," Kazuya starts with an easy shrug as he shifts a little on the couch, "I really don't care who you threaten." He finishes with a tug on his lips.
"Except this time, it's Nishikido?" Ueda guesses.
Well, that's true too, but Kazuya shakes his head, "No, more like the issue you have is with me and my non-communication with everyone else, not him. So I'd appreciate it if you didn't attack him for what I did."
"But I like attacking him," Ueda complains. He has a start of a smile too, as though he knew this would happen. Kazuya wouldn't put it past him to have accused and upset Ryo - even though Ryo would never admit that - just to draw Kazuya out of hiding.
Kazuya laughs just a little, a bit amused. When Ueda joins in, he's sure now that showing up and accusing Ryo was all on purpose. A lot of things didn't add up, and now, this conversation that's taking place in fairly light tones, is what confirms it. It had all been a plot to draw Kazuya out. He wonders if he should ever tell Ryo that - just to make the older man be disgruntled that he was tricked by Ueda. Well, not tricked really, but Ueda certainly got Ryo riled up - and horrified by the accusations - enough that Ryo would probably never suspect Ueda didn't mean most of it. Kazuya's not that delusional; he knows Ueda probably meant some of it, and Ryo probably said a few harsh things in return too, so Kazuya knows that the anger they both felt at the end of their conversation was probably very real.
"Really, you could have just called," Kazuya says as he rolls his eyes.
Ueda raises an eyebrow, "With that guard dog you call a boyfriend around?" he asks incredulously, "No thanks. This was less painful. I don’t want to have to pretend to be polite to him when I don’t want to be. And decent manner dictates that if I call your place, as it’s his place as well, I have to be. So, forming this plan to get you to come to us was less painful." He says with a nod.
"Really." Kazuya deadpans, "This was less painful?"
"Most definitely." Ueda confirmed without hesitation.
Kazuya casts a look at Koki, who has been watching in curiosity from the moment Ueda came in; Koki shrugs and rolls his eyes. Of course, only Ueda would call a complicated plan like this less painful than taking the direct route, just because he didn’t want to have to be polite to Ryo.
"Well," Kazuya tries, "You didn't have to accuse him of abuse."
"I guess not," Ueda admits. He pauses, and then grins, "Did it bother him?"
Kazuya looks in exasperation at his friend, "Why, couldn't you tell yourself?"
"Not really," Ueda admits, "He insulted me pretty quickly after that."
Kazuya wonders exactly what was said, but he knows from the wince Ueda has on his face that he won't tell, and Ryo probably won't either. They were probably purposely aiming at each other's insecurities. Though, that didn't make much sense; Kazuya frowns, wondering if Ryo was really that insecure about people thinking he mistreated Kazuya. No, that couldn't be it. There had to be something else about that conversation that was bothering Ryo. His lover wasn't exactly one to be disturbed by what people thought of him, of them.
Kazuya carefully schools his expression into a nonchalant one, "What else did you accuse him of?" he asks dryly, "You two never seem to stop at one insult."
Ueda looks a bit sheepish at that, "I may have…I may have said something Yamashita mentioned once. That he was putting his life on hold for you," he admits.
Kazuya has to exert a lot of control over himself not to show his surprise about that.
It takes a minute, but he quickly plasters on a smile as he drags Ueda into the conversation he was having with Koki.
* * *
Hours later and Koki and Ueda have, in their conjoined efforts, extracted promises from Kazuya to go out into public and see them - as well as Junno and Nakamaru - more often. In return, Kazuya makes them promise that they’ll stop treating him like he’s either fragile or will break, or like he’s a different person. That’s what made him stop contacting them at first, after all; he hated the way they seemed to be tiptoeing around him when they first found out about his condition. He also hadn’t been too pleased with the implication that they thought he couldn’t choose his own boyfriend because of his condition, and, other than a few brief meetings, had tried to keep Ryo away from their scrutiny. He hadn’t wanted to scare Ryo away back then, back when the condition was still new.
Of course, now he knows that Ryo doesn’t get scared off that easily.
Now, though, with what Ueda has said, Kazuya is afraid of that. He’s starting to get his suspicions about what’s bothering Ryo, and he wonders if maybe Ryo was too hard to scare off.
It could be just Kazuya being stupid, but that little tidbit Ueda mentioned struck a chord within Kazuya. He knows it’s something that Yamapi’s talked about with Ryo quite a few times - and he knows that Ryo’s fed up with the issue. But it’s an issue that’s always brought up with Ryo by Ryo’s friends and family. Kazuya’s friends and family are worried that he’s being taken advantage of, and Ryo’s friends and family are afraid he’s giving up too much.
It’s a bittersweet situation, where neither of them are trusted by each other’s loved ones.
But the thing is, Kazuya can’t bring it up because Ryo will just deny it. Kazuya knows that Ryo has a good reason - after all, it’s a difficult topic to talk about, much less talk to someone else about, but it feels like Kazuya’s worst fears are coming true all at once and he can’t even try to reassure himself because he can’t confront the person who has all the answers.
Kazuya, when he first found out about his condition, was determined to let Ryo go, so that he wouldn’t have to give up so much for him. But then Ryo found a way past Kazuya’s protests, and insisted that he wasn’t giving up all that much, and he wanted to.
Kazuya’s always been baffled by that; why would anyone want to put up with him, his episodes and anxiety attacks and all? That’s stupid, he told Ryo at the time.
Ryo merely grinned, shrugged, and commented that he must have caught a brief case of stupidity from someone on the street. Then, he got all serious and began one of the most touchy-feely talks that Kazuya has ever heard from him.
But, because it was Ryo, Kazuya was reassured that if Ryo was ever unhappy in the relationship, he would know.
So, that’s why he keeps looking at Ryo as they walk along the street, heading home. He can’t help but wonder if he really does know. What if it’s just a front the older man puts up for him? Kazuya hates the idea that he’s making Ryo unhappy, but what if Ueda has a point? It couldn’t have been easy to put so much on hold for Kazuya. Maybe Ryo would have been happier if he’d never met Kazuya, had a normal boyfriend, and could spend his time travelling, working at a job more satisfying than a music shop, or whatever dreams Ryo had had in mind before Kazuya dashed them all with his damn condition.
“Not that I’m complaining, but it’s never a good sign when you’re this quiet,” Ryo says dryly, looking at Kazuya, “It’s usually when you’re planning to embarrass or blackmail me.”
Kazuya laughs a little, “I’m not,” he insists, but stares at Ryo all the same.
“Seriously, what?” Ryo demands, “I know I’m amazing to look at, but you knew that way before now.”
Kazuya’s lips turn up into a smirk, “Your ego is amazing.” He says in wonder.
Ryo merely returns Kazuya’s smirk.
“Are you happy, Ryo?” Kazuya tries, wondering if he’ll get anywhere with this method.
Ryo looks at him cautiously, before replying with a blunt, “No.”
Kazuya feels a bit of his heart drop at the answer.
“You made me go up to Koki’s apartment to get you, and you didn’t tell me that Ueda was going to be there,” Ryo scowls, “That ruined my day completely. You know I hate looking at his stupid face.”
Kazuya rolls his eyes, “You’re impossible. You’ve known him for how many years?”
“I only put up with him for you,” Ryo grumbles, but looks away when he realizes what he’s said.
Despite his worries, Kazuya feels a smile making its way across his face; it then turns into a grin that he’s sure would only embarrass Ryo more.
“Stop that,” Ryo demands as soon as he turns around.
“But Ryo, you just admitted something mushy -”
“Shut up!” Ryo growls out.
Kazuya laughs in amusement, taking Ryo’s hand and commenting lightly, “Don’t be too upset, Ryo, it’s not like you said you loved me.”
“Fuck off!” Ryo snaps, but Kazuya does notice that Ryo doesn’t let go of his hand.
* * *
next
Title: Chasing Dreams
Pairing: RyoKame (Nishikido Ryo x Kamenashi Kazuya)
Wordcount: 17 021
Rating: PG-13
Genre/Warning: Angst/ Psychological/ Romance
Notes: Dear
marlenem, I hope you like this :) As you will see, once you start reading, I tried to incorporate a few of your preferences into one thing :D Hopefully, that didn't turn out too badly lol XD Also, thank you to my beta for all her help with this fic :) My struggle to be a perfectionist while writing this fic probably annoyed her too many times to count :)
Summary: They pretend for now, like perfect fools in love, that life is perfect.
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Kamenashi Kazuya has no delusions about what other people think of him; as he sits in the doctor's office, doing nothing but ignoring the man while looking through the recent photos stored on his camera, he knows that his doctor thinks he's an irritating patient who won't listen and will always be too stubborn to try to improve himself.
Kazuya disagrees with that; just because he doesn't talk to the doctor himself doesn't mean that Kazuya doesn't listen. He listens very much to the things the man rambles on about when the silence is too overwhelming for him to endure - things like ways to at least help keep his episodes away. Most of the time, the strategies don't work, but sometimes they do.
Most of the time, Kazuya thinks of Ryo and how happy Ryo is - although he tries not to show it - whenever Kazuya has a good day, with no episodes, and no period of anxiety afterwards. Really, sometimes Ryo is so easy to please - even though Ryo would never admit that either.
But Kazuya wishes it was easier to please Ryo; he wishes that he could control when these episodes happen so that Ryo never has to see them. He knows it's hard on Ryo, but Kazuya's lucky in that Ryo takes it better than Kazuya's family and friends have taken it.
"Tell me about your boyfriend," the doctor says, cutting through Kazuya's train of thought, "How does he handle things at home?"
Kazuya knows what he wants - he wants Kazuya to claim Ryo's a horrible person so that he can chalk up Kazuya's unwillingness to cooperate with him to Ryo's influence.
But Kazuya just doesn't want to talk to him. He only comes here because…
Well, Kazuya doesn't really know why, but he knows that sitting here and listening to whatever the doctor says about his condition somewhat helps. It's when the man tries to start digging into Kazuya's life that he begins to have problems with these sessions; it's when he starts trying to find out personal things that Kazuya doesn't want to share with a psychiatrist who will analyze Kazuya and his answers.
Kazuya can't help but scoff at the doctor sometimes. He always starts off so well, but apparently silence isn't something the man can handle well, because he then descends into asking questions that Kazuya doesn't want to answer. If Kazuya wants to talk about it, he would have brought it up before; it's that simple, but people never seem to really think that way. Kazuya wonders if spending too much time detached from reality makes him think differently.
Or maybe Kazuya's just too spoiled from having Ryo as his constant, and oftentimes only companion.
Ryo understands him more than most people would, or at least, he's trying. He's certainly less prone to saying the wrong things than he used to be, but Kazuya never minded that about Ryo.
To Kazuya, Ryo's honesty is a marvellous thing.
Maybe that's what drew him to Ryo even when he got insulted and belittled every time he talked to Ryo - because he knew that, with that sort of character, Ryo would be one of the only people who would treat him the same no matter what.
When the session is over, Kazuya thanks the doctor. He has a feeling that the doctor is always perplexed at why he's getting thanked for letting Kazuya sit there and ignore him, but the time he spends spacing out on the doctor's questions lets him evaluate himself, as well as people and things that affect him, so he's grateful for that at least.
To his surprise, when he walks into the waiting room to wait for Ryo, his lover is already there.
He blinks, sure that Ryo said that he would be helping out back at the shop. It's what Ryo always does.
"You weren't waiting all this time, were you?" Kazuya demands with a frown, not liking the fact that Ryo wasted an hour and a half just sitting around and waiting for him when he could be doing something else.
That's another reason Kazuya still goes to the doctor; it gives him a place to be that Ryo's reassured of, one that will allow Ryo to do whatever he wants for a while. Kazuya isn't blind; he knows his condition has affected Ryo more than the older man is willing to admit, so much so that he spends way too much time concerned about Kazuya for Kazuya's liking.
Sometimes, he wonders if he did the right thing by getting into a relationship with Ryo; Kazuya is happy but sometimes, he wonders if he ruined Ryo's life by being in his life.
"I stopped by the store for a bit," Ryo says with a frown playing on his lips at the mention of the store. Kazuya wonders what could have caused that.
Ryo's next words cause him to freeze and think he's hearing wrong though.
"Ueda's back in town and wanted to talk."
Kazuya's sure he's hearing wrong.
"He is?" Kazuya says in disbelief; he can't help but feel a bit shocked that Ueda didn’t mention a word. He gets emails from Ueda every once in a while, but not once did Ueda ever hint that he would be back in town any time soon.
Ryo's lips curl up into a sardonic and sarcastic smile, "I've been duly threatened." he intones.
Kazuya sighs a little. Of course, he expected it; Ueda's never really approved of Ryo. Ueda made sure to find out all he could about Ryo when Kazuya started to date him; the results didn't exactly endear Ryo to Ueda. The fact that the first time Ryo and Ueda met, Ryo, in his classical, almost trademark fashion, insulted Ueda, and then proceeded to insult Kazuya as well may have something to do with that disapproval.
Of course, after months of knowing Ryo, Kazuya was used to it. He even started to like it, because it meant that at least Ryo would be up front with him about things. Being told he looks like shit when he barely slept the night before was a strangely refreshing experience.
"What did he say?" Kazuya asks in frustration, wondering how it was possible that two people he loved - in completely different ways, of course - could hate each other so much.
"He implied that he thinks I’m forcing you to stay with me, and that I'm probably doing horrible things to you because you won't protest because, apparently, you’re entirely dependent on me now,” Ryo scoffs as he says that, which makes Kazuya crack a smile, “And since you spend most of your time with me, nobody would be able to tell if something was wrong." Ryo says flatly, "Because apparently, that's just the sort of thing I would get off on." he says sarcastically.
Kazuya can see through it though. He knows how much these accusations bother Ryo, especially as Ryo does his best to make sure that despite everything, Kazuya's happy in his life.
Kazuya takes Ryo's hand sadly, but doesn't say a word, and merely pulls him along down the street. He ignores Ryo's protests and demands of where they're going, and just walks. He wants to find something that will distract Ryo from the reality around them.
Ryo's a bit of a softie in denial, he knows; Ryo treats him this well, works so hard for him, because once Ryo found love, he couldn't handle the fact that love doesn't fix everything wrong in the world.
Ryo can't handle that love won't fix Kazuya.
* * *
Kazuya has an obsession.
And no, it’s not photography like Ryo seems to think; Kazuya cracks a smile as he stares at the sleeping form of Ryo. He wonders if Ryo will ever realize that he wakes up long before Ryo thinks he does - for moments like this. For moments when he can sit up in their bed, slightly protected by the covers, and point a camera at Ryo’s sleeping face without his lover protesting like a shy little kid.
Kazuya laughs softly under his breath at the idea; Ryo can sometimes act like that, that’s why he’s so easy to tease. All he has to do is mention Ryo’s tendency to get easily flustered and embarrassed and Ryo really will get embarrassed and try his best not to show that he is. It’s actually fairly amusing.
Kazuya thinks it’s fairly obvious what his obsession is. Other than photography, because he admits that it’s a sort of obsession too. He’s obsessed with Ryo. Anyone with two eyes can see that.
He spends his every waking moment with Ryo, or at least he tries to. Kazuya frowns darkly at the moments when he does spend time with Ryo, but to him, they seem more like a dream. He hates those moments - those ‘episodes’ as Ryo calls them - because it feels like someone’s robbed him of something precious.
If it was just a few moments, half an hour, a day in that state, Kazuya couldn’t care less. Well, that’s not entirely true; he’d be a bit upset at it, and he is upset when he snaps out of it and realizes it’s happened again. When he snaps out of that state, he can feel the anxiousness building up at startling quick levels; his control when he’s in that state is gone, and it feels like someone is possessing him, or he’s trapped in a body that’s not his, but looks like his. It’s a frightening predicament.
But what’s really aggravating, when he recovers from the state of anxiety, is the idea that someone has stolen some of his time with Ryo, with his true obsession.
Kazuya lets out a sigh as he snaps a picture of Ryo; when the preview appears on the screen, he smiles to himself, tracing fingers over the features of Ryo’s face on the screen. Then he chuckles to himself, wondering why he’s caressing the camera when he can feel up the real thing instead.
The movement, and possibly the sound, wakes Ryo up; the older man’s eyes open slowly, with what looks to be a groan on his lips as he peers around. When his eyes settle on Kazuya, and the camera, he looks like he’s debating something within himself.
Finally…
“You have bed hair and you look horrible,” Ryo says in greeting, “Why am I dating you again?”
“Good morning to you, too,” Kazuya returns without even a flinch. By now, he’s totally fluent in Ryo-language.
A smirk tugs on Ryo’s lips as he sits up, reaching for the camera. Kazuya quickly puts it out of reach.
“How long have you been up?” Ryo demands.
“Not long,” Kazuya answers with a grin.
Ryo stares suspiciously at him.
Kazuya, of course, would never tell anyone about the various - slightly embarrassing - things he hears Ryo mutter in his sleep. Unless Ryo decides to be a jackass. Then he’ll use it as blackmail.
Ryo sighs in exasperation, “And people think I’m the evil one in this relationship,” he complains.
“You are,” Kazuya agrees with a grin, “It’s absolutely appalling how horrible you are to me. I mean, you haven’t even insulted my weight or lack of it, my work ethic, or my integrity yet this morning. How dare you.”
He can’t help it and bursts out laughing as soon as he says it.
A snicker escapes Ryo, and in a fluid motion, Kazuya suddenly finds himself unable to move, trapped between the headboard of the bed and Ryo.
He breathes out anxiously.
The good kind of anxious.
“Good morning then,” Ryo says in a low hiss that makes Kazuya squirm against him.
“It will be,” Kazuya’s words are cut off by Ryo’s mouth on his.
Kazuya calls it obsession, but once upon a time, he admitted to himself that it could just be love.
* * *
Kazuya absolutely hates his bad days. He hates it when he spends most of the day in the midst of an episode, and he hates it when he comes out of it, and it feels like he's being choked by the world around him. That's another reason why Kazuya hates talking to people, the doctor in particular, about his problems. They don't understand.
How could they possible understand the sensation of feeling like you're watching your life from a third-person perspective, and it's your body, but it feels like you have no control over it. Kazuya constantly feels panicked during his bad days, as he thinks about how little control he has over himself; he could probably walk out into the middle of the street amidst rushing cars and not be able to react because he doesn't feel like he has the control to react.
Kazuya's been told that he should be happy that it's not something worse, like a psychosis, where he wouldn't even be able to tell the difference between his internal self and the reality outside of his mind.
But he can't be.
Kazuya understands his mind far too well, as he spends enough time trapped inside it - or that's how it seems most of the time.
When his family first found out, their reaction was to ask him if it was really that serious - because to them, detachment from reality didn’t seem all bad. After all, it'd just be like watching your life as though it were a movie, right?
Kazuya snapped back then, asking them how they would feel to not be able to control anything about themselves, to be afraid of that feeling, and to have their consciousness threatened on a daily basis, and with the detachment, their sense of identity, as well?
They hadn't understood; Kazuya wonders if his family would ever really understand. He doesn't think his friends really do either; they try, they really do, and maybe Kazuya gave up much too easily, but they don't seem to be able to understand that when Kazuya's not in that state, when he's lucky enough to be himself, he wants to be treated like himself.
Ryo's the only one who's managed that so far.
But then again, Ryo's been there for Kazuya constantly. Kazuya had wondered; in the depths of the night, before Ryo found out, he had wondered to himself whether telling Ryo would mean breaking up with Ryo as well. Before he dated Kazuya, Ryo hadn't really had a meaningful relationship. Kazuya's always surprised that it's him that Ryo's stayed for.
And these days, left alone to ponder at night, he fears that it's his condition that Ryo stays for.
It's one of his bad days today, and as Kazuya's consciousness almost seems to be yanked away from his body - it hasn't really but it does feel like it has - he wishes he knew what causes these episodes, so he can try to stop it. They've gotten better though, they happen less often. From what his doctor has rambled on about, Kazuya's guessing that having a healthy romantic relationship has helped with that.
Kazuya's lucky in that regard. His doctor has told him of other patients with his disorder who have gotten worse over time because of stress, being in an unfamiliar environment, and sometimes, because their condition makes it so that their relationships with other people are stressed and sometimes non-existent. This condition doesn't normally bode well for relationships.
So, in a nutshell, Kazuya's lucky to have Ryo.
It's entirely possible that Ryo's heard of these facts, and stories, and is determined to prove everyone wrong.
Kazuya tries desperately to make his body smile at Ryo; it doesn't feel like it's going to work. He's surprised when it finally does though, and Ryo's lips turn up as well.
It's really sad how such a little thing feels like such a big achievement to Kazuya.
When he's finally out of that state, and feeling like he's 'back in his body' - even though he knows he never really left -, Kazuya almost immediately descends into panic. It's like when he's in that state, he's detached from some of his emotions as well and when those episodes end, he can't help but feel all the panic and anxiety from being in that state hit him.
And he may be going crazy; it can't be good to keep going through this, over and over. It certainly feels like he's going insane; he doesn't even have a good grasp of control over his own body, how can he ever expect to have a good grasp of control over his mind? Maybe his mind will be the next thing to go, and Kazuya will have nothing then - right now, a somewhat stable mind and the ability to think is what's keeping him from going over the edge, but what if he loses that too? He doesn't want to lose his mind…but it feels like he's looming closer and closer every time he's in that state.
"You're fine."
Kazuya startles when he feels fingers running roughly along his jaw line. His eyes flicker toward Ryo's dark ones.
"You're not going crazy, or losing your mind," Ryo continues, apparently more than aware of Kazuya's mental state - or worries about his mental state - after an episode, "You're not allowed to." he finishes with a satisfied smirk that's probably only meant to reassure Kazuya.
"I'm not?" Kazuya asks sardonically, but feeling strangely reassured by the empty promises.
"I'm much more important than some disorder," Ryo says in a smug tone, "So my word is more powerful. And I say you're not allowed to lose your mind."
Kazuya merely laughs sharply.
Trust Ryo to try to exert his superiority over something intangible.
* * *
When Ryo shows signs of still being disturbed by his talk with Ueda, Kazuya knows that there's something more going on than just the normal conversation that happens between Ryo and Ueda. These arguments have been going on for what seems to be forever, and Kazuya is extremely exasperated by the fact that there seems to be no end to these arguments no matter how hard he tries.
He thought there had been a breakthrough when Ueda went off to work across the country, and Kazuya's best friend had barely protested about leaving Ryo to watch out for him, but apparently, it was just him being optimistic.
So, one day, Kazuya gets Ryo to take him to see Koki.
Well, Kazuya says he will be going to see Koki, and Ryo protests for a while before giving in and muttering that he'll take Kazuya there. Kazuya merely shakes his head with a smile in agreement, knowing that sometimes, they share the same fear that one day, an episode will occur while he's by himself on the street and Kazuya will walk into the path of a moving car.
Kazuya's had a few close calls, and Ryo will never let Kazuya live down that time that he, in one of his episodes, walked straight into a police car parked on the street. Ryo will also never let Kazuya live down the fact that the older man had needed to leave work to pick Kazuya up from the police station.
Kazuya grumbles about the fact that Ryo will never let him walk to places on his own anymore, and that maybe he needs to dig out blackmail material sometime soon.
Ryo swats him over the head for that, and demands for all of Kazuya's blackmail material to be handed over.
Kazuya merely smirks in response.
"Call me when you're done," Ryo says in a low voice as they come to a stop in front of Koki's apartment. He turns to head back to the elevator, casting a wary glance at Kazuya, "If you wander anywhere, and you end up at the police station again, I'm going to leave you," he says with a smirk, "I’m not sure I want a boyfriend who spends so much time at the police station."
Kazuya groans and demands irritably, "Are you ever going to let that go?!" he demands.
"No," Ryo snickers before he gets onto the elevator and the doors close.
Kazuya turns, suppresses an amused smile, and knocks on Koki's door. There's silence for a moment, before there's a shout.
"Who is it? If it's you, Junno, I locked you out for a reason. Are you done with the puns yet?!"
Kazuya has to smile at the familiar voice - and the familiar abuse of Junno.
"It's Kazuya," he states dryly.
He hears another silence, before suddenly, there's the sound of feet moving quickly across floorboards, and the frantic sound of the chain in the door being removed. The door swings open.
"Kazuya," Koki says, almost in shock, and a grin begins to make its way across his face.
"You locked Junno out?" Kazuya asks in curiosity, "And hey."
He isn't too surprised when Koki looks like he wants to knock him over with a hug, but refrains from doing so, and asks tentatively, "How are you?" he asks.
Kazuya understands though; he knows how difficult it has been for his friends to come to terms with his condition. Their initial reactions were to treat him like he's fragile, but Kazuya hated that - he really hated that. He doesn't want to be different.
"I'm good," he says with a smile, "Can you call Ueda? We can catch up while we wait for him to get here."
Koki raises an eyebrow.
"I don't have his number, and I have to threaten him about threatening my boyfriend." Kazuya says cheerfully.
Koki cracks into a grin, "Same old thing, huh?"
Kazuya returns the grin, wishing he didn't feel as bad about how a simple smile from him makes his friend almost seem to burst with happiness. Perhaps he hasn't given his friends enough time to get used to the condition, and perhaps he hasn’t spent enough time trying to help them understand that he wasn't an invalid or a different person.
And maybe, Kazuya went just a bit too far trying to protect his relationship with Ryo, to protect Ryo from what it meant to date him.
* * *
By the time Ueda arrives, Kazuya and Koki have gotten over the initial awkwardness and have been catching up with each other. To Kazuya's relief, Koki seems wary about mentioning anything about Kazuya's condition and that topic is never broached. It's almost like they've gone back in time to before Kazuya found out about his condition, and everything is all normal between them.
Ueda blinks in surprise when he opens the door that Koki left unlocked and sees them sitting and talking. He stares at Kazuya, and then turns to Koki.
"You didn’t mention that Kazuya was here," Ueda comments, "So Nishikido finally let you out?" he asks with a peculiar tone in his voice.
Kazuya rolls his eyes, "Just because you don't like him doesn't mean he's keeping me locked up." he says in reply, matching Ueda’s tone exactly.
Ueda cracks a small smile, "Still defending him then?"
Kazuya nods, "Until he does something that punching him and giving him a black eye won't fix." he agrees, “But I’ve yet to come across a problem where doing some damage to his ego doesn’t fix everything.”
"I'm under the impression that he already has done that. The unforgivable thing, I mean." Ueda comments as he sets his things down and looks pointedly at Kazuya.
"Because I haven't seen anyone else lately?" Kazuya questions, and waves off Ueda's nod, "I hardly think that's a reason to accuse him of mistreating me."
"It is when your emails don't have much detail, Koki, Maru and Junno haven't seen you in months, and the one thing that's changed is that you're constantly with Nishikido." Ueda argues.
"Normally," Kazuya starts with an easy shrug as he shifts a little on the couch, "I really don't care who you threaten." He finishes with a tug on his lips.
"Except this time, it's Nishikido?" Ueda guesses.
Well, that's true too, but Kazuya shakes his head, "No, more like the issue you have is with me and my non-communication with everyone else, not him. So I'd appreciate it if you didn't attack him for what I did."
"But I like attacking him," Ueda complains. He has a start of a smile too, as though he knew this would happen. Kazuya wouldn't put it past him to have accused and upset Ryo - even though Ryo would never admit that - just to draw Kazuya out of hiding.
Kazuya laughs just a little, a bit amused. When Ueda joins in, he's sure now that showing up and accusing Ryo was all on purpose. A lot of things didn't add up, and now, this conversation that's taking place in fairly light tones, is what confirms it. It had all been a plot to draw Kazuya out. He wonders if he should ever tell Ryo that - just to make the older man be disgruntled that he was tricked by Ueda. Well, not tricked really, but Ueda certainly got Ryo riled up - and horrified by the accusations - enough that Ryo would probably never suspect Ueda didn't mean most of it. Kazuya's not that delusional; he knows Ueda probably meant some of it, and Ryo probably said a few harsh things in return too, so Kazuya knows that the anger they both felt at the end of their conversation was probably very real.
"Really, you could have just called," Kazuya says as he rolls his eyes.
Ueda raises an eyebrow, "With that guard dog you call a boyfriend around?" he asks incredulously, "No thanks. This was less painful. I don’t want to have to pretend to be polite to him when I don’t want to be. And decent manner dictates that if I call your place, as it’s his place as well, I have to be. So, forming this plan to get you to come to us was less painful." He says with a nod.
"Really." Kazuya deadpans, "This was less painful?"
"Most definitely." Ueda confirmed without hesitation.
Kazuya casts a look at Koki, who has been watching in curiosity from the moment Ueda came in; Koki shrugs and rolls his eyes. Of course, only Ueda would call a complicated plan like this less painful than taking the direct route, just because he didn’t want to have to be polite to Ryo.
"Well," Kazuya tries, "You didn't have to accuse him of abuse."
"I guess not," Ueda admits. He pauses, and then grins, "Did it bother him?"
Kazuya looks in exasperation at his friend, "Why, couldn't you tell yourself?"
"Not really," Ueda admits, "He insulted me pretty quickly after that."
Kazuya wonders exactly what was said, but he knows from the wince Ueda has on his face that he won't tell, and Ryo probably won't either. They were probably purposely aiming at each other's insecurities. Though, that didn't make much sense; Kazuya frowns, wondering if Ryo was really that insecure about people thinking he mistreated Kazuya. No, that couldn't be it. There had to be something else about that conversation that was bothering Ryo. His lover wasn't exactly one to be disturbed by what people thought of him, of them.
Kazuya carefully schools his expression into a nonchalant one, "What else did you accuse him of?" he asks dryly, "You two never seem to stop at one insult."
Ueda looks a bit sheepish at that, "I may have…I may have said something Yamashita mentioned once. That he was putting his life on hold for you," he admits.
Kazuya has to exert a lot of control over himself not to show his surprise about that.
It takes a minute, but he quickly plasters on a smile as he drags Ueda into the conversation he was having with Koki.
* * *
Hours later and Koki and Ueda have, in their conjoined efforts, extracted promises from Kazuya to go out into public and see them - as well as Junno and Nakamaru - more often. In return, Kazuya makes them promise that they’ll stop treating him like he’s either fragile or will break, or like he’s a different person. That’s what made him stop contacting them at first, after all; he hated the way they seemed to be tiptoeing around him when they first found out about his condition. He also hadn’t been too pleased with the implication that they thought he couldn’t choose his own boyfriend because of his condition, and, other than a few brief meetings, had tried to keep Ryo away from their scrutiny. He hadn’t wanted to scare Ryo away back then, back when the condition was still new.
Of course, now he knows that Ryo doesn’t get scared off that easily.
Now, though, with what Ueda has said, Kazuya is afraid of that. He’s starting to get his suspicions about what’s bothering Ryo, and he wonders if maybe Ryo was too hard to scare off.
It could be just Kazuya being stupid, but that little tidbit Ueda mentioned struck a chord within Kazuya. He knows it’s something that Yamapi’s talked about with Ryo quite a few times - and he knows that Ryo’s fed up with the issue. But it’s an issue that’s always brought up with Ryo by Ryo’s friends and family. Kazuya’s friends and family are worried that he’s being taken advantage of, and Ryo’s friends and family are afraid he’s giving up too much.
It’s a bittersweet situation, where neither of them are trusted by each other’s loved ones.
But the thing is, Kazuya can’t bring it up because Ryo will just deny it. Kazuya knows that Ryo has a good reason - after all, it’s a difficult topic to talk about, much less talk to someone else about, but it feels like Kazuya’s worst fears are coming true all at once and he can’t even try to reassure himself because he can’t confront the person who has all the answers.
Kazuya, when he first found out about his condition, was determined to let Ryo go, so that he wouldn’t have to give up so much for him. But then Ryo found a way past Kazuya’s protests, and insisted that he wasn’t giving up all that much, and he wanted to.
Kazuya’s always been baffled by that; why would anyone want to put up with him, his episodes and anxiety attacks and all? That’s stupid, he told Ryo at the time.
Ryo merely grinned, shrugged, and commented that he must have caught a brief case of stupidity from someone on the street. Then, he got all serious and began one of the most touchy-feely talks that Kazuya has ever heard from him.
But, because it was Ryo, Kazuya was reassured that if Ryo was ever unhappy in the relationship, he would know.
So, that’s why he keeps looking at Ryo as they walk along the street, heading home. He can’t help but wonder if he really does know. What if it’s just a front the older man puts up for him? Kazuya hates the idea that he’s making Ryo unhappy, but what if Ueda has a point? It couldn’t have been easy to put so much on hold for Kazuya. Maybe Ryo would have been happier if he’d never met Kazuya, had a normal boyfriend, and could spend his time travelling, working at a job more satisfying than a music shop, or whatever dreams Ryo had had in mind before Kazuya dashed them all with his damn condition.
“Not that I’m complaining, but it’s never a good sign when you’re this quiet,” Ryo says dryly, looking at Kazuya, “It’s usually when you’re planning to embarrass or blackmail me.”
Kazuya laughs a little, “I’m not,” he insists, but stares at Ryo all the same.
“Seriously, what?” Ryo demands, “I know I’m amazing to look at, but you knew that way before now.”
Kazuya’s lips turn up into a smirk, “Your ego is amazing.” He says in wonder.
Ryo merely returns Kazuya’s smirk.
“Are you happy, Ryo?” Kazuya tries, wondering if he’ll get anywhere with this method.
Ryo looks at him cautiously, before replying with a blunt, “No.”
Kazuya feels a bit of his heart drop at the answer.
“You made me go up to Koki’s apartment to get you, and you didn’t tell me that Ueda was going to be there,” Ryo scowls, “That ruined my day completely. You know I hate looking at his stupid face.”
Kazuya rolls his eyes, “You’re impossible. You’ve known him for how many years?”
“I only put up with him for you,” Ryo grumbles, but looks away when he realizes what he’s said.
Despite his worries, Kazuya feels a smile making its way across his face; it then turns into a grin that he’s sure would only embarrass Ryo more.
“Stop that,” Ryo demands as soon as he turns around.
“But Ryo, you just admitted something mushy -”
“Shut up!” Ryo growls out.
Kazuya laughs in amusement, taking Ryo’s hand and commenting lightly, “Don’t be too upset, Ryo, it’s not like you said you loved me.”
“Fuck off!” Ryo snaps, but Kazuya does notice that Ryo doesn’t let go of his hand.
* * *
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