ANIMAL FARM
HAY GAIS, SO IT'S ME AGAIN (AND MY ROOMMATE). WE'RE BACK, YES. SOME OF YOU MIGHT (WELL) REMEMBER THE CARE NOT BEARS. WELL, AFTER CONSUMING LARGE AMOUNTS OF CAPSLOCK, VODKA, AND GANJU, WE'VE GOT THE ENCORE. YESSIR, IT'S....
SO, ONCE UPON A TIME, RANCHER AIZEN SOUSUKE
AND HIS LOVELY COMMONLAW HOUSEWIFE RIGHT-HAND MAN (GOODY) ICHIMARU GIN
DECIDED TO OPEN UP THEIR NEW MEXICO LOS NACHOS RANCH, FAMOUS FOR ITS QUIRKY PETTING ZOO, TO THE PUBLIC. NOW, FOR A LIMITED TIME, SEE THIS TOUR FOR FREE, COMPLETE WITH SPECIAL PERSONAL COMMENTARY FROM THE OWNERS THEMSELVES.
AIZEN: SO ONE DAY AT THE FARMER'S MARKET, I HAD TO STOP BY A PEN BEFORE I WENT ON TO TORTURE LITTLE STRAWBERRY BLOND CHILDREN. THERE I SAW THE MOST PRECIOUS THING...
GIN: YA, AIZEN-HAN, WEN' AN' GOT HIMSELF A LITTLE GOAT BABE. WE CALL HIM GEORGE. I CAN'T FIGURE OUT WHY HE'S GOT A KNIFE...
AIZEN: UNFORTUNATELY, THIS BEHEMOTH FOLLOWED HIM HOME.
GIN: SHE MAY BE FAT, BUT I LIKE TO MILK 'ER EV'RY MORN...
AIZEN: GIN, THAT'S A BULL. YOU CAN'T MILK HIM.
GIN: WHAAA? BUT I ALREADY GONE DONE AND FILLED ME A PAIL!
AIZEN: ....
GIN: MOVIN' ALONG! NOW, WHEN WE BOUGHT THE PROPERTY, TURNS OUT OUR LIL PALACE CAME WITH A LIL PUSS, MISSUS JACQUELINE BOUVOIR.
AIZEN: WE TRIED TO DROWN HER, BUT TURNS OUT SHE'S STILL GOT ALL NINE LIVES. SHUCKS...
GIN: ^_________________^
AIZEN: NOW YOU ALL MAY BE WONDERIN' WHY WE'RE SO CRUEL TO HOUSECATS, BUT THE LITTLE BITCH KITTY TRIED TO EAT MY LAMBYKINS. WE JUST CAN'T HAVE THAT NAO, CAN WE?
GIN: IT'S JUST A...
AIZEN: I LOVE MAH LAMBY. HIS NAME IS WONDERIN' JEBUS. YOU'LL LOVE 'IM TOO. D:
GIN: 'S A GOOD THING WE GOT THAT OL' DANG GUARD DOG, STAR TREK. YOU KNOW, DER STARKER HUND.
AIZEN: AH, YES, HE'S A LOYAL ONE (BUT HE SLEEPS ON DUTY... ALWAYS).
GIN: HE'S GOT SUCH PRETTY HAIR. HE REMINDS ME OF FARMER SHUNSUI, OF THE DRUNKEN KYOURAKUS. Y'ALL KNOW THAT BUNCH FROM KANSAS, RIGHT?
AIZEN: WE ALSO GOT A LITTLE WORK MULE...
GIN: BUT HE BLIND.
AIZEN: YA, I KINDA WISH HE WOULD, YOU KNOW, LEARN TO STEER.
GIN: I THINK HE'S IMPROVED SINCE WE GOT 'IM THAT STICK. BUT HE'S ALWAYS HITTIN' THE DAGGONE CHICKEN COOP.
AIZEN: HENNY BELLE DON'T LIKE THAT MUCH, DO SHE?
GIN: AND WHEN SHE GOES OFF, THAT DAMN GOOSE IS ALWAYS TRYIN' TO GET UP IN HER BUSINESS.
AIZEN: YES. WAIT, WHY DO WE STILL HAVE THAT CREATURE?
GIN: I TRIED TO KILL 'IM FOR SOUP, BUT MY AXE GOT LODGED IN ITS BACK. DAMN SHUNOITORA...
AIZEN: HE'S ALWAYS SCARIN' OUR PRETTY LITTLE WHITE HORSE.
GIN: *SOURS* OH, THAT LITTLE TROLLOP...
AIZEN: I DRANK MR UKITAKE UNDER THE TABLE TO GET 'ER. SPENT MANY A LONELY NIGHT IN HER ARMS...I MEAN, STABLE.
GIN: WHAT YOU MEAN, LONELY, FOO'? I BEEN HERE THE WHOLE TIME! YA WON'T LET ME LEAVE!
AIZEN: WELL, THAT'S 'ZACTLY IT.
GIN: =_____________________=
GIN: WELL, WE'VE ABOUT REACHED THE END OF THE PROPERTY. HAY, SOU-CHAN, WHAT'CHA WANNA DO FOR THE (CANADIAN) THANKSGIVIN' WEEKEND?
AIZEN: WELL, WE GOTTA HAVE TURKEY.
GIN: OH, THAT. YEAH, I BEEN FATTENIN' HIM UP SINCE LAST DECEMBER.
AIZEN: WE AIN'T GOT NO TURKEYS...
GIN: TA DA! I FOUND 'IM WANDERIN' BY THE POND.
AIZEN: :OOO NO, NOT PHINEUS!
GIN: PHINE-WHAT?
AIZEN: THAT'S NOT A TURKEY! IT'S MY PRIZED AFRICAN FLAMINGO!
GIN: WELL, NOW, IT MAY NOT BE TURKEY, BUT IT SURE AS HELL IS DINNA!
AIZEN: ;_;
WARNING: IMAGE HEAVY, BUT CRACK HEAVY-ER.