haha...funny article...from details
What's wrong with a little revenge sex? Or mercy sex or apology sex or good-bye sex? Nothing at all.
My friend Amanda had just given birth to her first child. She'd been married for one year. The day before she went on maternity leave her boss called her into his office and gave her a promotion and a very large raise. New husband, new salary, and now new baby.
Then: news. Her husband was leaving her. He was sorry. He knew the timing was bad. He'd known he was going to leave her when she was at five months, but he couldn't leave a pregnant woman; he wasn't that kind of guy. So he' waited until the baby was born-his daughter-and his wife was sitting in an overstuffed armchair, feeding her. He said "I'm sorry," and he was wearing his leather motorcycle jacket.
"Sorry for what?" Amanda asked, thus opening the door that would lead her into a new and horrible life.
"Sorry I can't do this any longer."
It turned out that hte husband was not only leaving his wife, the new mother. But he had an apartment already. And in the apartment, a new girlfriend. And nursing on the breast of the new girlfriend, a baby, just like this one.
The husband walked out the door and climbed onto his Ducati 1000S. And Amanda sat there with a fresh baby attached to her swollen, chafed nipple and thought, What the fuck?
It was to be an ugly divorce. It would not be quick or painless. But drawn out, excruciating. The baby would be a little girl by the time it was final.
And then an interesting thing happened.
For a period of about three weeks, I stopped hearing from Amanda. No phone calls, no e-mails. I began to worry. I left a message on her answering machine: "Call me. I need to know if you are okay."
And finally she called.
Turns out, the day the divorce had become final, Amanda and her now ex-husband had spend the afternoon in bed, in what was now Amanda's home.
"We've been fucking like banshees," she said. "We've been meeting up at lunch. At hotels."
Amanda described hours of determined fellatio and crusty French break spread with Brie: "When we were married, we never had sex in the shower. Now? Let me tell you that the man will never think of hair conditioner in the same way again."
Fuck by fuck, Amanda had worn down the man. Eventually he lay in her arms and sobbed. He asked, "Have I made a huge mistake?"
Amanda revealed to me that she'd spend more than a thousand dollars at Victoria's Secret. "It's like war," she said. "You don't consider the money. You think only of destroying the enemy."
At last the ex-husband said, "I want to come home. I'm sorry. I still love you."
And this is when Amanda leaped form the bed. She dressed hastily, grabbed her purse, and walked out the door. "I blew him a kiss as I left," she said. "I wish I'd had a camera phone so I could look at the expression on his face over and over again, make it my screen saver. It was a priceless face. The poor dumb dog."
That evening, Amanda called the home of her ex-husband and spoke to the girlfriend, the mother of the other baby. And she said "I just wanted you to know that your boyfriend has been fucking me every day for three weeks. And he's just today told me he loves me and wants to come home. But I don't want him, and I'm officially giving him to you."
Amanda had successfully pulled off the Revenge Fuck.
And that's what we're here to talk about today. The Revenge Fuck, the Sympathy Fuck, the Good-bye Fuck, and the Apology Fuck.
There is a Fuck for every occasion. There is a fuck to mark the passing of each stage of human experience.
When your lonely ex-girlfriend calls you at midnight and cries on the phone and you find yourself at her apartment 20 minutes later, this is the Mercy Fuck. You're doing it not because you desire her so much but because you want her to understand she's worth something. She's still sexy. Those bags of corn chips haven't mattered after all.
And if you lost both legs in a car accident? And are wondering why the really, really beautiful girl sitting on the subway seat across from you is looking at you with so much heat in her gaze you think your hair might melt? And are you imagining this? You're not. You're about to be the recipient of the I've Never Slept With a (insert: Hispanic Person, Amputee, Senior Citizen, Jew) Fuck. Which is about boradening our horizons. Or sometimes just scratching a curious itch.
And let us not forget the Validation Fuck. This is the fuck you give yourself. To prove that you still can, if you want to. Perhaps it follows a surgery. Often it does. It can also follow a 40th birthday. You do this so you can tell youself, "I've still got it."
The Drunk Fuck is less noble and usually involves somebody you wouldn't normally fuck. Somebody who at the end of the night looked suprisingly attractive. The Drunk Fuck often involves an apology. "This doesn't usually happen to me. Sorry. I don't know why it's just flooping around like that." The Drunk Fuck can be a warning if it happens too often. It could mean you drink too much. Or are afriand of a real relationship. I know one serial Drunk Fucker who has to change his phone number evey two months. Sad.
And then there is the Second Choice Fuck: When the girl you ahve been stalking all night at the party finally leaves with some other guy-the investment banker with the legs of a soccer player, you couldn't help noticing. Her girlfriend approaches you and says "What's up?" And you realize you hadn't even noticed her. But you take her, by default. At least she knows the hot girl. That's something.
There are times when a fuck can further your career. The Blind Ambition Fuck might involve somebody much older or less attractive than you'd like, but their power makes it possible. Can't you think of somebody who wasn't so famous until they started fucking a megastar? It has happened.
And though few men will admit this, many have experience the Am I Bi? Fuck while in college.
Speaking of college, mean and women in their sophmore year are all familiar with that spring-break tradition the Sport Fuck, where the goal is to accumulate as many sexual partners as possible. In days past, this was known as "sowing you wild oats." But let's call a fuck a fuck, shall we? This has nothing to do with oats and argriculture and everything to do with Am I desirable to members of the opposite sex? Just how desirable? Often, spring break yields a mess of fucks-Sprot, Revenge, Am I Bi?, Drunk. Sometimes all of these fucks can happen at the same time, with the same person, with MTV on in the background.
For many people, there is no fuck more scintillating than the Forbidden Fuck. Which might include sex with your therapist, a friend of your mother's, or your girlfriend's younger sister.
But fucking your girlfriend's younger sister can also be a Revence Fuck or a Break Up With Me Because I'm Too Cowardly to Break Up With You Fuck. So we need to keep our fucks straight.
Well, not that straight.
What gay man hasn't lowered his standards to the floor of the bar and had a simple Horny Fuck? When the look of a person matters less then the fact that their body is warm.
Of course, sometimes the body isn't warm. The body is dead. And that's the Sick Fuck. Let's hope there aren't too many people among us who engage in such a fuck.
Ever hear of a Star Fucker?
I know a story about a celebrity, not attractive. In fact, quite ugly. He's tall and creepy and the thought of his hand on your thigh would make you shiver.
But at a friend's Christmas party two years ago, Mr. Ugly Famous got a blow job in the bathroom from a Prada model. Why did she do it? Because he's a star. And that's the Star Fuck. And maybe she was hoping to be able to swallow a little of his fame. Of course, she would also be able to brag about this liaison later, wear is as a certain kind of badge of honor. People are impressed with celebrities and the people who sleep with them.
But because it happened in the bathroom, it could also be considered a Bathroom Fuck. Which can also happen in an elevator but rarely does, except in movies. It's urgent, stolen, and phone numbers are almost never exchanged. This sort of fuck is born of excitement. The thrill of getting caught and being naughty, of holding up a long line of people who have to pee, just for kicks.
Think that's all there is? Fuck no.
There's the Lazy Fuck, where you're too tired to do some serious banging and you settle for something oral (or manual) and fast. In women involved with other owmen, the Lazy Fuck is a precursor to Lesbian Deathbead Syndrome, where there is no more sex, only hugging and stray-cat adoption.
And the Favor Fuck. Where you give you ass in exchange for something else: a trading tip, a lead on a great apartment, an audition. You scratch my back and I'll ride yours.
In some circles, there's only one fuck that counts: the Procreative Fuck. This is what you do when you want to have a baby. It's not about romance or sexual tension. It's about charts, timing, hormone levels, and hitching a ride on an egg. This is as close to business-as-usual as a fuck can get. Ask any couple trying to conceive and you'll see, not a lot of candles are lit.
Of course, all of the fucks we've discussed have one thing in common. They each involve another person. So what happens if there's not another person handy? If nobody else is willing to join you?
You know the answer to this; dont be coy.
Go Fuck Yourself.
haha omg so funny. i cant belive i spent all the time copying that.
today was rad sam and christy came over...they are so cute together. and i forsure have the fighting fan form, and gladyas gave me a beaufitul jade charm. it was so nice. so yay. good day all in all. hopefully i'll be fully healed by tomorrow.
--fin--