took me long enough
I am not writing this to gain pity, I am writing this to get it out, in hopes that I can get over it. So if there is a chance you'll be offended, stop reading. It's my journal, I'll say what I want.
I was walking to class. I had an epiphany. I thought that all of my anger and my problems were stemmed from one person, that being Michael. When really it isn't completely true, I mean I think he is the reason why I'm so uptight about closure things. I need it, otherwise I just get really insane. But that doesn't explain my feelings of worthlessness at times.
I mean for the past....4 or 5 years I have been told on more than one occasion that I wasn't good enough. The music I listened to was making me a bad person. Told that religiously I wasn't good enough. I could be better. That my leadership was bad. That I had a bad temper. Even that I wasn't a good friend.
Things that I probably knew about myself, but hearing that over years and years it takes it toll. I didn't even realize it. I had no idea what it was doing to me, it was making me feel like dirt on the floor. Perhaps even a rug, for people to walk on me. And that they did. Took advantage of my vulnerability, because they knew I'd put up with it. Oh I'd stand up for myself. But I NEEDED friends. Therefore, I would forgive it, forgive it all, without a second thought.
Now I know, other people saw this. They saw what was going on, and how I allowed myself to be crushed into the ground. All along I had NO idea. I guess I thought it was normal. Only recently I realized, high school is over, I can be a new person now. And I need to rid myself of people who make me feel badly about myself, or say "NO MORE". I can't deal with this the rest of my life. It has already had a huge effect on how I perceive things.
I'm always paranoid everything negative is due to me, something I've done. It may be hard to believe but I do have feelings, and once in awhile they get out of control, ie last night. I just got so upset about stuff I ended up crying, and it did no good, but to make me feel better for about ten minutes. Fortunately Stacy was out of the room so I didn't feel like an emo freak! I just felt guilty, though I don't think I did anything to justify that. I'm so confused.
I definately just learned tonight that someone actual was amused by using my weaknesses against me. Intentionally digging at me, pushing my buttons. To get me angry. And then to THINK IT WAS HILARIOUS. I do not need that. Nor do I deserve it. That is NOT a friend. That is a-- well you know what that is.
I've been so consumed with what people think for so long, and now I think I know why. No one wants to hear they aren't a good person. Especially when looking back I could have been so much worse. I can't even believe I've been so blind for so long.
So I suppose this is something I've got to do for myself. To finally stand up and say- STOP I need to let go of the fake, and hold on to the real.
so now I feel a little better.
I was walking to class. I had an epiphany. I thought that all of my anger and my problems were stemmed from one person, that being Michael. When really it isn't completely true, I mean I think he is the reason why I'm so uptight about closure things. I need it, otherwise I just get really insane. But that doesn't explain my feelings of worthlessness at times.
I mean for the past....4 or 5 years I have been told on more than one occasion that I wasn't good enough. The music I listened to was making me a bad person. Told that religiously I wasn't good enough. I could be better. That my leadership was bad. That I had a bad temper. Even that I wasn't a good friend.
Things that I probably knew about myself, but hearing that over years and years it takes it toll. I didn't even realize it. I had no idea what it was doing to me, it was making me feel like dirt on the floor. Perhaps even a rug, for people to walk on me. And that they did. Took advantage of my vulnerability, because they knew I'd put up with it. Oh I'd stand up for myself. But I NEEDED friends. Therefore, I would forgive it, forgive it all, without a second thought.
Now I know, other people saw this. They saw what was going on, and how I allowed myself to be crushed into the ground. All along I had NO idea. I guess I thought it was normal. Only recently I realized, high school is over, I can be a new person now. And I need to rid myself of people who make me feel badly about myself, or say "NO MORE". I can't deal with this the rest of my life. It has already had a huge effect on how I perceive things.
I'm always paranoid everything negative is due to me, something I've done. It may be hard to believe but I do have feelings, and once in awhile they get out of control, ie last night. I just got so upset about stuff I ended up crying, and it did no good, but to make me feel better for about ten minutes. Fortunately Stacy was out of the room so I didn't feel like an emo freak! I just felt guilty, though I don't think I did anything to justify that. I'm so confused.
I definately just learned tonight that someone actual was amused by using my weaknesses against me. Intentionally digging at me, pushing my buttons. To get me angry. And then to THINK IT WAS HILARIOUS. I do not need that. Nor do I deserve it. That is NOT a friend. That is a-- well you know what that is.
I've been so consumed with what people think for so long, and now I think I know why. No one wants to hear they aren't a good person. Especially when looking back I could have been so much worse. I can't even believe I've been so blind for so long.
So I suppose this is something I've got to do for myself. To finally stand up and say- STOP I need to let go of the fake, and hold on to the real.
so now I feel a little better.