in praise of more (suho/kai)
title: in praise of more
pairing: suho/kai (kris/tao if you squint)
rating: pg-13
genre: supernatural, romance, angst
warnings: implied character death
summary: it's been five years; what would jongin give to hear that voice again?
it's been five years since junmyeon left without a trace.
it's been five years since jongin has last seen junmyeon ever since the latter left his apartment.
it's been five years since jongin has filed a missing person report.
it's been five years since jongin has missed the perfect opportunity.
---
"jongin, we've had this talk several times."
"i told you countless times, junmyeon, i'm never leaving."
"but we could get away from everything, from all this chaos. we could live new lives, spare ourselves from all this pain."
"can we talk about this some other time, please?"
the last thing jongin hears are wheels rolling off the floor and a door creaking as it closes.
---
jongin spends his early mornings running laps around his neighborhood. he greets the people he passes by, familiar faces but names he's never bothered to ask.
there's a constant pain in his head that's been bothering him for quite a while. he makes a mental note to buy painkillers on the way before heading home.
as soon as he returns to his apartment, he takes the usual double dose of his painkillers, hoping they're just a migrane waiting to dissipate after taking in these tablets.
he scrolls through his phone while rehydrating himself from that tall carafe of cold water he keeps inside his fridge, being too lazy to grab a glass while he was at it.
a small beep goes off on jongin's phone, prompting him with a new message. he doesn't have to guess who it was, seeing as he rarely gets texts early in the morning unless they're from one other person.
done with laps? i'm on my way to your place.
zitao immediately comes in jongin's apartment without even knocking beforehand. (zitao thinks he can freely grant himself entrance just because jongin's given him a spare set of keys whenever he needs company.)
"got any food?" zitao automatically searches through jongin's near-empty fridge and freezer.
"jeez, zitao. you know i'm on a strict diet these days." jongin emerges from his room, with no shirt in sight and just a pair of cropped leggings and his favourite pair of trainers.
"put a shirt on, unless you'd want your neighbors to spontaneously combust upon seeing your six-pack."
zitao sees a clean shirt lying on the sofa and quickly throws it at jongin.
"what's up, anyways?"
"junmyeon's dead."
jongin stands in the middle of his apartment, still shirtless despite zitao throwing him a clean one, mouth agape as time stops for the young man.
it took jongin a few minutes before his mouth could form words, or even a simple sentence.
"who told you? what happened to him? so all these years his missing person's report has been a waste of time?"
"put your shirt on, then maybe we'll talk."
---
zitao tells jongin how junmyeon left for another country five years ago, although he's unsure if junmyeon's been anywhere else since he could've possibly went to other places in a span of five years.
the last thing that's heard of from junmyeon is that he was in amsterdam, and that was pretty much it.
zitao explains that this was passed onto wu fan from a distant friend who heard about junmyeon's sudden disappearance.
eventually jongin was left alone to think about what has happened and perhaps think of causes of junmyeon's death.
zitao only hopes jongin doesn't mourn too much for junmyeon.
---
it took jongin a long time before he was able to sleep soundly, memories between him and junmyeon flooding back like they all happened yesterday.
it's the day that junmyeon left that was etched on jongin's mind in permanent ink that he can't seem to get past.
he imagines what if he did end up choosing to be with junmyeon instead of staying.
he wouldn't have died such a lonely death.
he wouldn't have died at all.
softly a whisper passes through jongin's ears. he ignores it at first, thinking it was just his imagination, or he has been eating less that it's turned to hallucinations even.
"jongin."
the younger man twist and turns in his bed, hoping the whisper would stop and he could sleep soundly, hoping the events that took place five years ago wouldn't end up coming back to him like whiplash.
"kim jongin."
jongin hopes he could turn back time to change things.
he tries to reassure himself how there are reasons for everything. therefore there was a reason for jongin to stay and for junmyeon to end up leaving.
there must also be a reason why he keeps hearing someone whisper his name repeatedly. last time jongin's checked, his place never had any occurences of ghosts before.
until zitao's told him that junmyeon passed away.
jongin doesn't believe a word he's telling himself.
---
"zitao, do you believe in the existence of ghosts?" jongin calls up zitao as soon as he gets up to run laps.
"since when did you start believing in them?"
"not really, i was particularly creeped out by someone whispering my name into my ear repeatedly last night. i couldn't sleep at all."
zitao's not too fond of the supernatural. then again, he tells jongin how he should consult someone who can also see these ghosts, or at least mystical creatures, to make things easier for him.
jongin spends his daily running exercise thinking of people he could ask about this problem of his.
he calls yixing as soon as he gets home, hopeful that he gets good advice after relentlessly running through his mind's contacts list.
"you rarely call these days, jongin. what can i help you with?"
"hey, yixing. are you knowledgeable with the supernatural, by any chance?" jongin downs a glass full of water from all the nervousness he's feeling at the moment, fearful that the ghost might come back and call him again.
"i can't say that i'm a genius, but i'll see what i can do? i'll see you at your place, then."
jongin hasn't had a chance to ask yixing nicely when the older man automatically complies, surprisingly. he only hopes yixing would be of much help once he arrives, anyways.
"so a ghost was 'pestering' you last night?" yixing asks while checking up on all of jongin's rooms in his apartment, hopeful that something might come up and explain all this.
"they kept whispering my name, i'm not too sure on how they know me either." jongin feels helpless enough to follow yixing around as they make countless rounds throughout the apartment.
"tell me, jongin, has anyone close to you died just recently?"
jongin stops in his tracks, yixing watching for the younger man's reaction.
"i'm not so sure if this was recent, but zitao did come by yesterday and told me that junmyeon passed away."
silence falls between both men in repect for the dead. meanwhile, lightbulbs flash through yixing's mind as a possible answer comes around.
"he might be visiting you for all we know."
"shouldn't they be in heaven, or hell, at least watching me and not haunting me?"
yixing props himself on one of jongin's couches, "unfinished business, perhaps?"
jongin makes a mental note to think of possible 'unfinished businesses' that junmyeon may have had before he died.
at least until he knows the specifics on when and how junmyeon died exactly.
---
it was later that night, while jongin was in bed when he tried to recall as much as he could.
junmyeon was the type of person who would never leave anything behind. whenever he had to run errands, he never left any loopholes in his plans at all.
this makes things all the more difficult for jongin to pinpoint.
the only 'unfinished business' that jongin can remember was the last time he and junmyeon had a conversation, and it ends with junmyeon eventually leaving.
"jongin."
jongin hears the whisper again as he tries to shut it off his head by reflex. sitting up on the bed, he looks for the source of the whisper, hoping that this was junmyeon calling him to begin with.
it wasn't until he hears the whisper -- no, a voice, much clearer than he's heard last night -- at a louder tone.
"it's me, junmyeon."
yixing had been right all along.
jongin tries to call out to the vessel, but he's afraid that junmyeon might prefer his voice that has been running through his conscience all this time.
"what happened to you?"
junmyeon ignores the question, "i gave you a choice, jongin."
"it was five years ago, i know, junmyeon."
jongin doesn't receive any comments from the vessel, the last thing he hears from junmyeon was a question that jongin didn't know what the answer was to, or at least what he had to say in reply.
"what would you give to hear this voice again?"
---
jongin begs zitao to give him wu fan's contact details, persistent in knowing the exact details of junmyeon's death.
"if you were so persistent, why couldn't you ask the authorities instead?" wu fan spits at jongin on the phone.
"that's because they wouldn't care to begin with."
zitao ends up settling both men down before they even had a chance at starting a fist fight in wu fan's home.
"the most i've heard was that the authorities found junmyeon's body in a canal in amsterdam, and that they were able to obtain junmyeon's details after the body went through a dental check."
"so there's a possibility that the body was burned?"
"we defintely think that's what happened to remove most of the evidence."
"but how did this all begin anyways?"
"we're not too sure. we definitely think it's been a while since junmyeon passed away, it was only now that all these information began to surface."
"jongin, time can only tell us what else is left."
---
jongin decides to confront the voice that's been haunting him for the past few days. he's willing to try getting the full story from junmyeon himself, even if it sounds preposterous enough to do.
he's convinced that since he can hear junmyeon's voice, he might as well try asking junmyeon to show himself.
jongin stays up until the wee hours in the morning, forsaking his morning laps just so he can confront the one thing that haunts him the most.
his past.
"jongin."
he's here.
"junmyeon, please do show yourself," he pleads earnestly, voice close to tears.
silence fills the room, jongin's left asking himself whether junmyeon's ignoring his request or he doesn't want to show up.
eventually he feels goosebumps all over his arms as he covers himself up with his blanket, his head peeking out of them.
junmyeon, i'm really sorry i allowed you to leave on your own. if i had a chance at stopping you, this wouldn't have happened; you wouldn't have died to begin with; you didn't have to suffer alone; i've been too shameless in deciding to stay.
the fact that i never asked anyone for your whereabouts was not to show my indifference. it's not that i didn't care that you were gone. in fact, i'm sure you knew that i filed a missing person report that rendered itself useless for five years since i haven't heard anything from the authorities ever since i filed this report.
junmyeon, honestly, i don't know what made you love me so much that leaving was a possible decision for you to take. i'm sorry i wasn't sensitive enough to take into consideration that you wanted to leave because you wanted to start anew or something.
please forgive me, junmyeon. i didn't wish for any of this to happen to you, i hope you understand. i just hope i could see you for one last time.
jongin's speech comes to a halt as soon as he hears soft footsteps approaching his bed, goosebumps still prevalent on his arms.
"stop blaming yourself, jongin."
jongin can't bear to take in the sight of his lover in front of him; his clothes the exact ones that junmyeon was wearing the last time they saw each other; his hair still groomed neatly, much to his persistent request that jongin never run his hand through them.
"i don't blame you for my death either, so why do you mourn, still?"
"but, junmyeon...."
"you'll never allow yourself to move on without thinking that you had nothing to do with this."
"i love you, jongin, and i would never blame you for something like this. not on my watch."
the man on the bed notices junmyeon's eyes grow softer as he speaks. even as a ghost, jongin's heart beats as fast as the feeling he gets after running laps around his neighborhood.
"now go sleep. move on, live your life, don't worry too much."
---
jongin realizes in the morning that it was all a dream and that it was too good to be true.
lo and behold, he receives a text from zitao telling him that wu fan wants to let him know how the authorities in amsterdam are searching for junmyeon's possible murder suspect, even though the case had been deemed closed for god knows how long.
jongin doesn't tell zitao what happened last night, for fear of him not believing it and thinking it was all merely make-believe. jongin would have to defend himself on the stance that he can't even pretend that this happened because he hasn't seen nor heard from junmyeon in five years, that would be insane.
a knock goes off the apartment door, jongin's surprised zitao doesn't use his spare key to get inside.
"there's something that you should read."
zitao hands jongin a small brown envelope, and explains to jongin how this was sent to wu fan's friend in amsterdam after the authorities were able to collect the last of junmyeon's personal belongings.
jongin inspects the contents of the envelope, and is surprised to see a letter snugly placed inside a ziploc bag, to preserve its freshness.
jongin.
maybe things between us ended the way we didn't want it to be. nonetheless, for years i've respected your decision of staying and i hope you don't worry too much if anything happens to me.
i decided to leave because i wanted to start a new life, not because i wanted to get away from you. either way, we seemed to have maintained our love for each other despite the distance.
life's a lesson you can't leave, jongin. don't stress yourself if you hear anything that happens to me.
in the event that i die, God might give me the chance to stay beside you all the time.
junmyeon.
jongin doesn't even realize his eyes have been brimming with tears ever since he's read the first sentence. he begins to think that the conversation he had with junmyeon last night - no, ever since zitao told him that junmyeon had passed away - was more than just coincidence; rather, junmyeon might have gone to be jongin's guardian angel ever since he'd passed.
he asks himself, why only now? why didn't junmyeon tell him anything before zitao came in and mentioned that junmyeon had actually passed away in a foreign country?
he's not sure whether to feel elated or sorrowful.
---
it's been five years since junmyeon left without a trace.
it's been five years since jongin has last seen junmyeon ever since the latter left his apartment.
it's been five years since jongin has hid himself away from his past.
it's been five years since junmyeon has stood beside jongin ever since.
a/n: THIS IS FOR MAY (@lazykyu) AND YENUO (@heecups) WHO FORCED ME TO FINISH THIS. inspired by the idea that kai has an active third eye, and engineers' song of the same title.
pairing: suho/kai (kris/tao if you squint)
rating: pg-13
genre: supernatural, romance, angst
warnings: implied character death
summary: it's been five years; what would jongin give to hear that voice again?
it's been five years since junmyeon left without a trace.
it's been five years since jongin has last seen junmyeon ever since the latter left his apartment.
it's been five years since jongin has filed a missing person report.
it's been five years since jongin has missed the perfect opportunity.
---
"jongin, we've had this talk several times."
"i told you countless times, junmyeon, i'm never leaving."
"but we could get away from everything, from all this chaos. we could live new lives, spare ourselves from all this pain."
"can we talk about this some other time, please?"
the last thing jongin hears are wheels rolling off the floor and a door creaking as it closes.
---
jongin spends his early mornings running laps around his neighborhood. he greets the people he passes by, familiar faces but names he's never bothered to ask.
there's a constant pain in his head that's been bothering him for quite a while. he makes a mental note to buy painkillers on the way before heading home.
as soon as he returns to his apartment, he takes the usual double dose of his painkillers, hoping they're just a migrane waiting to dissipate after taking in these tablets.
he scrolls through his phone while rehydrating himself from that tall carafe of cold water he keeps inside his fridge, being too lazy to grab a glass while he was at it.
a small beep goes off on jongin's phone, prompting him with a new message. he doesn't have to guess who it was, seeing as he rarely gets texts early in the morning unless they're from one other person.
done with laps? i'm on my way to your place.
zitao immediately comes in jongin's apartment without even knocking beforehand. (zitao thinks he can freely grant himself entrance just because jongin's given him a spare set of keys whenever he needs company.)
"got any food?" zitao automatically searches through jongin's near-empty fridge and freezer.
"jeez, zitao. you know i'm on a strict diet these days." jongin emerges from his room, with no shirt in sight and just a pair of cropped leggings and his favourite pair of trainers.
"put a shirt on, unless you'd want your neighbors to spontaneously combust upon seeing your six-pack."
zitao sees a clean shirt lying on the sofa and quickly throws it at jongin.
"what's up, anyways?"
"junmyeon's dead."
jongin stands in the middle of his apartment, still shirtless despite zitao throwing him a clean one, mouth agape as time stops for the young man.
it took jongin a few minutes before his mouth could form words, or even a simple sentence.
"who told you? what happened to him? so all these years his missing person's report has been a waste of time?"
"put your shirt on, then maybe we'll talk."
---
zitao tells jongin how junmyeon left for another country five years ago, although he's unsure if junmyeon's been anywhere else since he could've possibly went to other places in a span of five years.
the last thing that's heard of from junmyeon is that he was in amsterdam, and that was pretty much it.
zitao explains that this was passed onto wu fan from a distant friend who heard about junmyeon's sudden disappearance.
eventually jongin was left alone to think about what has happened and perhaps think of causes of junmyeon's death.
zitao only hopes jongin doesn't mourn too much for junmyeon.
---
it took jongin a long time before he was able to sleep soundly, memories between him and junmyeon flooding back like they all happened yesterday.
it's the day that junmyeon left that was etched on jongin's mind in permanent ink that he can't seem to get past.
he imagines what if he did end up choosing to be with junmyeon instead of staying.
he wouldn't have died such a lonely death.
he wouldn't have died at all.
softly a whisper passes through jongin's ears. he ignores it at first, thinking it was just his imagination, or he has been eating less that it's turned to hallucinations even.
"jongin."
the younger man twist and turns in his bed, hoping the whisper would stop and he could sleep soundly, hoping the events that took place five years ago wouldn't end up coming back to him like whiplash.
"kim jongin."
jongin hopes he could turn back time to change things.
he tries to reassure himself how there are reasons for everything. therefore there was a reason for jongin to stay and for junmyeon to end up leaving.
there must also be a reason why he keeps hearing someone whisper his name repeatedly. last time jongin's checked, his place never had any occurences of ghosts before.
until zitao's told him that junmyeon passed away.
jongin doesn't believe a word he's telling himself.
---
"zitao, do you believe in the existence of ghosts?" jongin calls up zitao as soon as he gets up to run laps.
"since when did you start believing in them?"
"not really, i was particularly creeped out by someone whispering my name into my ear repeatedly last night. i couldn't sleep at all."
zitao's not too fond of the supernatural. then again, he tells jongin how he should consult someone who can also see these ghosts, or at least mystical creatures, to make things easier for him.
jongin spends his daily running exercise thinking of people he could ask about this problem of his.
he calls yixing as soon as he gets home, hopeful that he gets good advice after relentlessly running through his mind's contacts list.
"you rarely call these days, jongin. what can i help you with?"
"hey, yixing. are you knowledgeable with the supernatural, by any chance?" jongin downs a glass full of water from all the nervousness he's feeling at the moment, fearful that the ghost might come back and call him again.
"i can't say that i'm a genius, but i'll see what i can do? i'll see you at your place, then."
jongin hasn't had a chance to ask yixing nicely when the older man automatically complies, surprisingly. he only hopes yixing would be of much help once he arrives, anyways.
"so a ghost was 'pestering' you last night?" yixing asks while checking up on all of jongin's rooms in his apartment, hopeful that something might come up and explain all this.
"they kept whispering my name, i'm not too sure on how they know me either." jongin feels helpless enough to follow yixing around as they make countless rounds throughout the apartment.
"tell me, jongin, has anyone close to you died just recently?"
jongin stops in his tracks, yixing watching for the younger man's reaction.
"i'm not so sure if this was recent, but zitao did come by yesterday and told me that junmyeon passed away."
silence falls between both men in repect for the dead. meanwhile, lightbulbs flash through yixing's mind as a possible answer comes around.
"he might be visiting you for all we know."
"shouldn't they be in heaven, or hell, at least watching me and not haunting me?"
yixing props himself on one of jongin's couches, "unfinished business, perhaps?"
jongin makes a mental note to think of possible 'unfinished businesses' that junmyeon may have had before he died.
at least until he knows the specifics on when and how junmyeon died exactly.
---
it was later that night, while jongin was in bed when he tried to recall as much as he could.
junmyeon was the type of person who would never leave anything behind. whenever he had to run errands, he never left any loopholes in his plans at all.
this makes things all the more difficult for jongin to pinpoint.
the only 'unfinished business' that jongin can remember was the last time he and junmyeon had a conversation, and it ends with junmyeon eventually leaving.
"jongin."
jongin hears the whisper again as he tries to shut it off his head by reflex. sitting up on the bed, he looks for the source of the whisper, hoping that this was junmyeon calling him to begin with.
it wasn't until he hears the whisper -- no, a voice, much clearer than he's heard last night -- at a louder tone.
"it's me, junmyeon."
yixing had been right all along.
jongin tries to call out to the vessel, but he's afraid that junmyeon might prefer his voice that has been running through his conscience all this time.
"what happened to you?"
junmyeon ignores the question, "i gave you a choice, jongin."
"it was five years ago, i know, junmyeon."
jongin doesn't receive any comments from the vessel, the last thing he hears from junmyeon was a question that jongin didn't know what the answer was to, or at least what he had to say in reply.
"what would you give to hear this voice again?"
---
jongin begs zitao to give him wu fan's contact details, persistent in knowing the exact details of junmyeon's death.
"if you were so persistent, why couldn't you ask the authorities instead?" wu fan spits at jongin on the phone.
"that's because they wouldn't care to begin with."
zitao ends up settling both men down before they even had a chance at starting a fist fight in wu fan's home.
"the most i've heard was that the authorities found junmyeon's body in a canal in amsterdam, and that they were able to obtain junmyeon's details after the body went through a dental check."
"so there's a possibility that the body was burned?"
"we defintely think that's what happened to remove most of the evidence."
"but how did this all begin anyways?"
"we're not too sure. we definitely think it's been a while since junmyeon passed away, it was only now that all these information began to surface."
"jongin, time can only tell us what else is left."
---
jongin decides to confront the voice that's been haunting him for the past few days. he's willing to try getting the full story from junmyeon himself, even if it sounds preposterous enough to do.
he's convinced that since he can hear junmyeon's voice, he might as well try asking junmyeon to show himself.
jongin stays up until the wee hours in the morning, forsaking his morning laps just so he can confront the one thing that haunts him the most.
his past.
"jongin."
he's here.
"junmyeon, please do show yourself," he pleads earnestly, voice close to tears.
silence fills the room, jongin's left asking himself whether junmyeon's ignoring his request or he doesn't want to show up.
eventually he feels goosebumps all over his arms as he covers himself up with his blanket, his head peeking out of them.
junmyeon, i'm really sorry i allowed you to leave on your own. if i had a chance at stopping you, this wouldn't have happened; you wouldn't have died to begin with; you didn't have to suffer alone; i've been too shameless in deciding to stay.
the fact that i never asked anyone for your whereabouts was not to show my indifference. it's not that i didn't care that you were gone. in fact, i'm sure you knew that i filed a missing person report that rendered itself useless for five years since i haven't heard anything from the authorities ever since i filed this report.
junmyeon, honestly, i don't know what made you love me so much that leaving was a possible decision for you to take. i'm sorry i wasn't sensitive enough to take into consideration that you wanted to leave because you wanted to start anew or something.
please forgive me, junmyeon. i didn't wish for any of this to happen to you, i hope you understand. i just hope i could see you for one last time.
jongin's speech comes to a halt as soon as he hears soft footsteps approaching his bed, goosebumps still prevalent on his arms.
"stop blaming yourself, jongin."
jongin can't bear to take in the sight of his lover in front of him; his clothes the exact ones that junmyeon was wearing the last time they saw each other; his hair still groomed neatly, much to his persistent request that jongin never run his hand through them.
"i don't blame you for my death either, so why do you mourn, still?"
"but, junmyeon...."
"you'll never allow yourself to move on without thinking that you had nothing to do with this."
"i love you, jongin, and i would never blame you for something like this. not on my watch."
the man on the bed notices junmyeon's eyes grow softer as he speaks. even as a ghost, jongin's heart beats as fast as the feeling he gets after running laps around his neighborhood.
"now go sleep. move on, live your life, don't worry too much."
---
jongin realizes in the morning that it was all a dream and that it was too good to be true.
lo and behold, he receives a text from zitao telling him that wu fan wants to let him know how the authorities in amsterdam are searching for junmyeon's possible murder suspect, even though the case had been deemed closed for god knows how long.
jongin doesn't tell zitao what happened last night, for fear of him not believing it and thinking it was all merely make-believe. jongin would have to defend himself on the stance that he can't even pretend that this happened because he hasn't seen nor heard from junmyeon in five years, that would be insane.
a knock goes off the apartment door, jongin's surprised zitao doesn't use his spare key to get inside.
"there's something that you should read."
zitao hands jongin a small brown envelope, and explains to jongin how this was sent to wu fan's friend in amsterdam after the authorities were able to collect the last of junmyeon's personal belongings.
jongin inspects the contents of the envelope, and is surprised to see a letter snugly placed inside a ziploc bag, to preserve its freshness.
jongin.
maybe things between us ended the way we didn't want it to be. nonetheless, for years i've respected your decision of staying and i hope you don't worry too much if anything happens to me.
i decided to leave because i wanted to start a new life, not because i wanted to get away from you. either way, we seemed to have maintained our love for each other despite the distance.
life's a lesson you can't leave, jongin. don't stress yourself if you hear anything that happens to me.
in the event that i die, God might give me the chance to stay beside you all the time.
junmyeon.
jongin doesn't even realize his eyes have been brimming with tears ever since he's read the first sentence. he begins to think that the conversation he had with junmyeon last night - no, ever since zitao told him that junmyeon had passed away - was more than just coincidence; rather, junmyeon might have gone to be jongin's guardian angel ever since he'd passed.
he asks himself, why only now? why didn't junmyeon tell him anything before zitao came in and mentioned that junmyeon had actually passed away in a foreign country?
he's not sure whether to feel elated or sorrowful.
---
it's been five years since junmyeon left without a trace.
it's been five years since jongin has last seen junmyeon ever since the latter left his apartment.
it's been five years since jongin has hid himself away from his past.
it's been five years since junmyeon has stood beside jongin ever since.
a/n: THIS IS FOR MAY (@lazykyu) AND YENUO (@heecups) WHO FORCED ME TO FINISH THIS. inspired by the idea that kai has an active third eye, and engineers' song of the same title.