THE CODE! (dun dun DUN!)
Okay, so I got this message in my e-mail:
Real Australian Men
(begin quote)
I'm afraid there's a fair bit of me in this model.
This is for the real blokes out there to pass on to all the blokes who nowadays think it's cool to be a metro. Bring back our masculinity - stop being a bunch of pussies who have far too much gel in their hair and smell and look like chicks.
Something to ponder over a skinny decaf frapachino:
Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand any more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, decorating houses and talking abou foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual.........
Real men of the world stand up; scratch your arse, burp and yell "ENOUGH!"
I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "
*Name removed to protect the innocent*
(end quote)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Code:
1. A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
2. A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in at your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
3. A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
4. A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.
5. A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need deodorant and shaving gear - that's it!!
6. A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look like he's shit himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If wearing a hat, he wears it correctly - not on the side like a faggot. Blokes and necklaces (unless you are an Australian fast bowler) are out!
7. A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with it" portion of The Code.
8. A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
9. A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on national TV.
10.A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.
11. A Retrosexual is only allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug or alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different city, favourite dog expiring, etc.
12. A Retrosexual does NOT see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay him enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT! When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
13. A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
14. A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.
15. A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.
16. A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.
17. A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "waking up".
18. Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Holden Ute.
19. When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his face.
20. A Retrosexual will also give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress(except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving
their country.
21. A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting,
shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking piss with the boys.
22. A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
23. A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on his Ute - that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the Retrosexual man's options are to Cry, DEAL WITH IT, or do both.
24. A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract - a handshake is good enough.
25. A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just........DEAL WITH IT!
I took into consideration that this was meant for all men, not just Australians, and wrote the following rebuttal:
The Lady's Code:
1. A lady will offer to pay, but allows the Retrosexual to take the check in the end. A self-sufficient woman scares and confuses them.
2. A lady will stand by with the instruction manual to aid the Retrosexual as he attempts to DEAL WITH IT (and inevitably makes it worse)
3. A lady will praise the Retrosexual for bringing home his kill. Then, when he isn't looking, will replace it with the better quality store bought meat.
4. A lady will allow the Retrosexual to boast about his good health at 90 (despite his bad habits) while secretly slipping him Geritol at meals. If you are still having sex, the Viagra is working as well. Thank God.
5. A lady will always be sure to have an overabundance of hair and skin products to confuse the Retrosexual. A lady will also be sure to remind the Retrosexual to use and replace his deoderant and shave gear since he is sure to forget.
6. A lady will be sure to remind her Retrosexual of proper "clothing etiquette". Jeans and t-shirts are not to be worn to church, underwear should be thrown out when holes start to form in them, hats are to be removed during the playing of the national anthem, and clothing is to be washed on a regular basis.
7. A lady will also know how to kill stuff (or people) in case her man is a terrible shot. She will also be handy with the first aid kit in case he shoots himself.
8. A lady will allow her Retrosexual his ESPN if only to keep him out of trouble.
9. A lady will make her Retrosexual do the repairs/renovations to her home before even CONSIDERING allowing her neighbors to see the house in disrepair (See number 2)
10. A lady understands that if a Retrosexual NEEDS to do major renovations on himself he will never change and isn't worth the effort to attempt to change him.
11. A lady will be sure to soothe the ego of the Retrosexual if he requires professional help for major mental stress such as drug or alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different city, favourite dog expiring, MARRIAGE COUNSELING, etc.
12. A lady will be sure to fawn attention on her children when the Retrosexual is busy DEALING WITH IT, then show them the secret of the instruction manual so they can share in the 'quality time'.
13. A lady will hide the outfit(s) designed to conceal the Retrosexual from prey in the very back of the wardrobe and keep it even if he will never wear it.
14. A lady will know how to tie a PROPER tie so the Retrosexual will not embarrass her at church.
15. A lady will pretend to fawn over the Retrosexual's one good wound, while secretly marvelling as the size of the 'other guy' who inflicted the wound increases with each telling of the tale.
16. A lady will keep her "Lady's Mate" took kit accessable for when the Retrosexual hangs the picture, curtains, shower head, etc. incorrectly. ( I actually have one of those. In pink.)
17. A lady will ensure the "tool" the Retrosexual insists on keeping is on safe with the ammunition seperate and both items stored high on the shelf (also hidden for when the Retrosexual has had one too many at the Superbowl party, and his team just lost by a field goal.)
18. A lady will know the meaning of the word "machismo" and will be prepared to deal with the inevitable outcomes. (be sure to have Krazy glue handy and the fire department on speed dial)
19. If your Retrosexual offers his seat to you, smile sweetly and accept. If he offers it to a woman who is prettier than you, punch him in the nose.
20. A lady will praise her Retrosexual for offering his seat to an elderly person or person in military dress. However, if he offers YOUR seat, punch him in the nose.
21. A lady will pretend not to understand her husband's/son's hobbies and habits which he sees as essential to his manliness. She will also never reveal that she is, in truth, better at said hobbies and habits than he is.
22. A lady will have an extra set of knives available for when the Retrosexual decides to sharpen them himself.
23. A lady will NOT allow the Retrosexual to chop down his own trees. It will almost certainly land on the house, car, children, neighbors' pets, etc.
24. A lady will also serve as a notary for when two Retrosexuals decide a "handshake is good enough". It isn't.
25. A lady will always be there for her Retrosexual when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that usually, in the process of doing things, our men will make mistakes and he'll try to DEAL WITH IT, thus making things worse. We will be there with the first aid kit and words of encouragement because it's true that behind every good man is a better woman.
Enjoy.
Real Australian Men
(begin quote)
I'm afraid there's a fair bit of me in this model.
This is for the real blokes out there to pass on to all the blokes who nowadays think it's cool to be a metro. Bring back our masculinity - stop being a bunch of pussies who have far too much gel in their hair and smell and look like chicks.
Something to ponder over a skinny decaf frapachino:
Please allow me to vent. I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I can't stand any more. Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is effeminate men prancing about, decorating houses and talking abou foreign concepts like "style" and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual, transsexual, metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and purple-sexual.........
Real men of the world stand up; scratch your arse, burp and yell "ENOUGH!"
I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "
*Name removed to protect the innocent*
(end quote)
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Code:
1. A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.
2. A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tyre, break-in at your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.
3. A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.
4. A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex, you are a God.
5. A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need deodorant and shaving gear - that's it!!
6. A Retrosexual does not dress like a homeboy with baggy pants that look like he's shit himself, or with a gay chain from pocket to pocket. If wearing a hat, he wears it correctly - not on the side like a faggot. Blokes and necklaces (unless you are an Australian fast bowler) are out!
7. A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing with it" portion of The Code.
8. A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the title.
9. A Retrosexual does not let neighbours screw up rooms in his house on national TV.
10.A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a handbag carrying little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.
11. A Retrosexual is only allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug or alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different city, favourite dog expiring, etc.
12. A Retrosexual does NOT see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay him enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT! When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.
13. A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
14. A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.
15. A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting. This does not include males who have had cosmetic surgery.
16. A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you are.
17. A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of those people or things that just need a little "waking up".
18. Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part, or loss of major body part on your Holden Ute.
19. When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted "you rude pricks" look on his face.
20. A Retrosexual will also give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress(except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving
their country.
21. A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting,
shooting, cigars, car maintenance and drinking piss with the boys.
22. A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.
23. A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he bloody well wanted it to land. Except on his Ute - that would happen because of a "force of nature", and then the Retrosexual man's options are to Cry, DEAL WITH IT, or do both.
24. A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract - a handshake is good enough.
25. A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just........DEAL WITH IT!
I took into consideration that this was meant for all men, not just Australians, and wrote the following rebuttal:
The Lady's Code:
1. A lady will offer to pay, but allows the Retrosexual to take the check in the end. A self-sufficient woman scares and confuses them.
2. A lady will stand by with the instruction manual to aid the Retrosexual as he attempts to DEAL WITH IT (and inevitably makes it worse)
3. A lady will praise the Retrosexual for bringing home his kill. Then, when he isn't looking, will replace it with the better quality store bought meat.
4. A lady will allow the Retrosexual to boast about his good health at 90 (despite his bad habits) while secretly slipping him Geritol at meals. If you are still having sex, the Viagra is working as well. Thank God.
5. A lady will always be sure to have an overabundance of hair and skin products to confuse the Retrosexual. A lady will also be sure to remind the Retrosexual to use and replace his deoderant and shave gear since he is sure to forget.
6. A lady will be sure to remind her Retrosexual of proper "clothing etiquette". Jeans and t-shirts are not to be worn to church, underwear should be thrown out when holes start to form in them, hats are to be removed during the playing of the national anthem, and clothing is to be washed on a regular basis.
7. A lady will also know how to kill stuff (or people) in case her man is a terrible shot. She will also be handy with the first aid kit in case he shoots himself.
8. A lady will allow her Retrosexual his ESPN if only to keep him out of trouble.
9. A lady will make her Retrosexual do the repairs/renovations to her home before even CONSIDERING allowing her neighbors to see the house in disrepair (See number 2)
10. A lady understands that if a Retrosexual NEEDS to do major renovations on himself he will never change and isn't worth the effort to attempt to change him.
11. A lady will be sure to soothe the ego of the Retrosexual if he requires professional help for major mental stress such as drug or alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak BBQ accident, favourite sports team being moved to a different city, favourite dog expiring, MARRIAGE COUNSELING, etc.
12. A lady will be sure to fawn attention on her children when the Retrosexual is busy DEALING WITH IT, then show them the secret of the instruction manual so they can share in the 'quality time'.
13. A lady will hide the outfit(s) designed to conceal the Retrosexual from prey in the very back of the wardrobe and keep it even if he will never wear it.
14. A lady will know how to tie a PROPER tie so the Retrosexual will not embarrass her at church.
15. A lady will pretend to fawn over the Retrosexual's one good wound, while secretly marvelling as the size of the 'other guy' who inflicted the wound increases with each telling of the tale.
16. A lady will keep her "Lady's Mate" took kit accessable for when the Retrosexual hangs the picture, curtains, shower head, etc. incorrectly. ( I actually have one of those. In pink.)
17. A lady will ensure the "tool" the Retrosexual insists on keeping is on safe with the ammunition seperate and both items stored high on the shelf (also hidden for when the Retrosexual has had one too many at the Superbowl party, and his team just lost by a field goal.)
18. A lady will know the meaning of the word "machismo" and will be prepared to deal with the inevitable outcomes. (be sure to have Krazy glue handy and the fire department on speed dial)
19. If your Retrosexual offers his seat to you, smile sweetly and accept. If he offers it to a woman who is prettier than you, punch him in the nose.
20. A lady will praise her Retrosexual for offering his seat to an elderly person or person in military dress. However, if he offers YOUR seat, punch him in the nose.
21. A lady will pretend not to understand her husband's/son's hobbies and habits which he sees as essential to his manliness. She will also never reveal that she is, in truth, better at said hobbies and habits than he is.
22. A lady will have an extra set of knives available for when the Retrosexual decides to sharpen them himself.
23. A lady will NOT allow the Retrosexual to chop down his own trees. It will almost certainly land on the house, car, children, neighbors' pets, etc.
24. A lady will also serve as a notary for when two Retrosexuals decide a "handshake is good enough". It isn't.
25. A lady will always be there for her Retrosexual when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that usually, in the process of doing things, our men will make mistakes and he'll try to DEAL WITH IT, thus making things worse. We will be there with the first aid kit and words of encouragement because it's true that behind every good man is a better woman.
Enjoy.