Family is a pain in the ass
Tyki on "Why is he being such a pansy about all this?" death, family, forgiveness, greed. Road and Devit.
Tyki is a selfish person. I think I established that back a while ago. His basic mode of operation is looking out for himself. Survival by any means. Amusement by any means. He doesn't go out of his way for other people. This is one of his base rules. Things are different in hobo mode but that's another story.
There are actually exceptions to this "me first" rule however. Road and Solo are really the only true exceptions in that he would die for them if necessary (though try very hard not to, he is not a martyr thank you), and in different ways. Also a different essay than this. However his feelings for dreamsofnoah are hard for him to confine to just her. Other Roads, by default, are elevated above other people just for the sake of being Road. This is hardly logical in the DR, considering the way the place works, but in the same way Allens will default to being interesting unless proven otherwise, Roads default to being loved.
So when dreamofamemory killed him, this really fucked up Tyki's default view of the world, as it were. Not unlike the way normal_really's Exorcism left Tyki very unhappy with Allens in general, but on a much more world-changing scale for him then a lingering disgruntlement with Allens.
So, dealing with being killed by basically an aged-up copy of his favorite person in the world, and dealing with coming back from the dead (and we're not even going into the shit that he'd just dealt with regarding Solo's memory loss, the Horror Hall, shuffled Noah Memories, and zombies) one of the first things he encounters when he revives is Devit informing him that the Countess now knows Devit is a traitor. And then he's confronted with this rather too bluntly when the Countess and Earl declare him such publicly.
To diverge a little. Road, obviously, is a huge deal to him. But Devit? Well, halfcocked is the only Devit he knows that is basically like his Devit (only older and having spent some years in that Camp place, but details) and in general he's gotten attached to family he considers "his" in this place because they are, at the end of the day, the most familiar and therefor more important than their counterparts from weird worlds. So Devit starts out higher than most people. And then there's the history--they derp around. They're bros. It's not serious and respectful most of the time, but it's still family, it still means something, Tyki still actually cares what happens to this Devit, wants him to be happy not particularly because it will gain Tyki himself anything, but because Devit is just... Family. You might really hate family's guts at times but you still care. So that's how he feels about Devit (and Wisely and Cyril as well.)
But back on track. Tyki's killed by a Road, this is heavily shifting his life view and he's having trouble even processing this. Family is already a sensitive subject because Road is the one person he used to consider family even if she was an Exorcist. And then Devit gets declared a traitor and Tyki suddenly doesn't know what to do because it seems like another attack on what he holds dear, on the family image he's built for himself. Because it's one thing for him to decide to take off on a grand adventure, but it's another for the family to declare one of their own--and not just any, but one he considers his especially--to be a traitor and all that implies. To make an outcast of someone he cares for. It hits too close to issues already at hand.
So he goes to confront Devit about it. Normally, maybe he'd be less patient. Especially with the things Devit says to him--and they are some very hurtful things. But instead Tyki tries to figure things out because he's trying to salvage some sense of normalcy from a world that has abruptly flipped upside down on him. This is not how he wanted things. In the plan in his head, this isn't how things worked out. Because in his plan none of this happened and he got things just like he wanted and was generally able to be the self-indulgent bastard who had his cake and got to eat it too. That's what he wants. He wants things to go the way he desires them to, but they've been fucked up since October and been getting worse. So he's more patient with Devit because he's trying to figure out what to do now. And trying to figure out what he wants.
He knows he wants things to go the way he planned, but he's not so arrogant that he can't see that they won't. And now he's trying to figure out how much he cares, how much he should care, and how much he can afford to care. And not care. Because at the end of the day, if a Road can kill him for no apparent reason, maybe he's better off with sticking by Devit and putting his care into those he knows, instead of blindly enjoying the erroneous idea of a concept of general "family" among Noah--something he's now realizing is dangerous to his health and just... Not true for him. Not everyone is family even if they have a Memory, which he knew before, but it's really hitting home.
This is complicated by dreamsofnoah and itisasillyplace because of course they'd never support a traitor over family. And in general Tyki would agree! Except that to him those two, and halfcocked (and a couple others, including Solo and the Earl) are the real family and everyone else is fun and all, but not really real family. So his concept of sticking by family still includes both those considered on the good side of the Earl, and the declared traitor. And he's stuck in the middle.
And then we get back to Tyki not putting in more effort than perceived reward. Not sticking his neck out for other people that aren't incredibly special to him. In the end Devit isn't incredibly special to him, but he is special enough that Tyki doesn't want harm to befall him. At least, not the kind the Earl has planned. Not having his Memory removed. Killed? Fine, Devit kind of deserves it for all this headache. Tyki sort of wants to break his neck on principle himself, a bit. But not being made human, that's not fair, and that's not even taking into account Jasdero in all this.
And Tyki, while he hates work, also hates regrets. And he's very impulsive. So he's basically in a very stupid situation torn between the family and the traitor he still sees as family and the emerging distaste for anyone he does not personally decide is family. Why should random people who don't exist in his world be considered family when Devit is declared a traitor? It grates on him a lot and he's not sure why.
So basically Tyki is very grumpy and conflicted and actually pretty sensitive and touchy right now. He's not bitter or anything, but he is very angry and feeling useless. And probably prone to lashing out if provoked--things that would usually just make him laugh or sulk will probably make him try to kill people because, well. All this makes his head hurt and he hates thinking and he hates over-thinking even more. But as much as he considers it he can't see a way out of this that doesn't involve losing family--either Cyril and Road and the Earl and everyone because he'd side with Devit and be called a traitor and he doesn't want that at all, he wants his freedom, or he'll lose Devit and Jasdero because he decides to betray the twins and leave them to fend for themselves. That doesn't really sit well with him either, not out of a sense of nobility or anything, but because, again, he cares, and they got themselves into this stupid mess but still.
He feels abandoning Devit would be a bit like stabbing him in the back, as far as Tyki is concerned. And reminds him too uncomfortably of being killed by dreamofamemory. Devit being hunted reminds him too much of that. Family against family really, really is starting to wig him the hell out and he's half tempted to drink himself silly until everything is over--but again, that means giving up on Devit.
Tyki has no answer to the situation and sees no Good End. And to a man obsessed with pleasing himself, the lack of a Good End pisses him off and disturbs him, because he wants to have a choice and a say in the matter. Part of him of course just wants to say fuck it and tell Devit to deal with his fucking mess without his help, and he might. But even if he does there will still be the whole issue of still caring, and he might even feel bad about hanging Devit out to dry. And god forbid Tyki Mikk feel bad about doing something selfish.
Basically, the people Tyki loves are at odds and he can't do shit about it and it frustrates the crap out of him and they had to all go do this while he was still recovering from being killed by a version of the person he loves most in the world and his whole world view is being challenged and he's been thinking about everything way harder than he's used to and he's sick of it. Fucking family why does he love them.
Tyki is a selfish person. I think I established that back a while ago. His basic mode of operation is looking out for himself. Survival by any means. Amusement by any means. He doesn't go out of his way for other people. This is one of his base rules. Things are different in hobo mode but that's another story.
There are actually exceptions to this "me first" rule however. Road and Solo are really the only true exceptions in that he would die for them if necessary (though try very hard not to, he is not a martyr thank you), and in different ways. Also a different essay than this. However his feelings for dreamsofnoah are hard for him to confine to just her. Other Roads, by default, are elevated above other people just for the sake of being Road. This is hardly logical in the DR, considering the way the place works, but in the same way Allens will default to being interesting unless proven otherwise, Roads default to being loved.
So when dreamofamemory killed him, this really fucked up Tyki's default view of the world, as it were. Not unlike the way normal_really's Exorcism left Tyki very unhappy with Allens in general, but on a much more world-changing scale for him then a lingering disgruntlement with Allens.
So, dealing with being killed by basically an aged-up copy of his favorite person in the world, and dealing with coming back from the dead (and we're not even going into the shit that he'd just dealt with regarding Solo's memory loss, the Horror Hall, shuffled Noah Memories, and zombies) one of the first things he encounters when he revives is Devit informing him that the Countess now knows Devit is a traitor. And then he's confronted with this rather too bluntly when the Countess and Earl declare him such publicly.
To diverge a little. Road, obviously, is a huge deal to him. But Devit? Well, halfcocked is the only Devit he knows that is basically like his Devit (only older and having spent some years in that Camp place, but details) and in general he's gotten attached to family he considers "his" in this place because they are, at the end of the day, the most familiar and therefor more important than their counterparts from weird worlds. So Devit starts out higher than most people. And then there's the history--they derp around. They're bros. It's not serious and respectful most of the time, but it's still family, it still means something, Tyki still actually cares what happens to this Devit, wants him to be happy not particularly because it will gain Tyki himself anything, but because Devit is just... Family. You might really hate family's guts at times but you still care. So that's how he feels about Devit (and Wisely and Cyril as well.)
But back on track. Tyki's killed by a Road, this is heavily shifting his life view and he's having trouble even processing this. Family is already a sensitive subject because Road is the one person he used to consider family even if she was an Exorcist. And then Devit gets declared a traitor and Tyki suddenly doesn't know what to do because it seems like another attack on what he holds dear, on the family image he's built for himself. Because it's one thing for him to decide to take off on a grand adventure, but it's another for the family to declare one of their own--and not just any, but one he considers his especially--to be a traitor and all that implies. To make an outcast of someone he cares for. It hits too close to issues already at hand.
So he goes to confront Devit about it. Normally, maybe he'd be less patient. Especially with the things Devit says to him--and they are some very hurtful things. But instead Tyki tries to figure things out because he's trying to salvage some sense of normalcy from a world that has abruptly flipped upside down on him. This is not how he wanted things. In the plan in his head, this isn't how things worked out. Because in his plan none of this happened and he got things just like he wanted and was generally able to be the self-indulgent bastard who had his cake and got to eat it too. That's what he wants. He wants things to go the way he desires them to, but they've been fucked up since October and been getting worse. So he's more patient with Devit because he's trying to figure out what to do now. And trying to figure out what he wants.
He knows he wants things to go the way he planned, but he's not so arrogant that he can't see that they won't. And now he's trying to figure out how much he cares, how much he should care, and how much he can afford to care. And not care. Because at the end of the day, if a Road can kill him for no apparent reason, maybe he's better off with sticking by Devit and putting his care into those he knows, instead of blindly enjoying the erroneous idea of a concept of general "family" among Noah--something he's now realizing is dangerous to his health and just... Not true for him. Not everyone is family even if they have a Memory, which he knew before, but it's really hitting home.
This is complicated by dreamsofnoah and itisasillyplace because of course they'd never support a traitor over family. And in general Tyki would agree! Except that to him those two, and halfcocked (and a couple others, including Solo and the Earl) are the real family and everyone else is fun and all, but not really real family. So his concept of sticking by family still includes both those considered on the good side of the Earl, and the declared traitor. And he's stuck in the middle.
And then we get back to Tyki not putting in more effort than perceived reward. Not sticking his neck out for other people that aren't incredibly special to him. In the end Devit isn't incredibly special to him, but he is special enough that Tyki doesn't want harm to befall him. At least, not the kind the Earl has planned. Not having his Memory removed. Killed? Fine, Devit kind of deserves it for all this headache. Tyki sort of wants to break his neck on principle himself, a bit. But not being made human, that's not fair, and that's not even taking into account Jasdero in all this.
And Tyki, while he hates work, also hates regrets. And he's very impulsive. So he's basically in a very stupid situation torn between the family and the traitor he still sees as family and the emerging distaste for anyone he does not personally decide is family. Why should random people who don't exist in his world be considered family when Devit is declared a traitor? It grates on him a lot and he's not sure why.
So basically Tyki is very grumpy and conflicted and actually pretty sensitive and touchy right now. He's not bitter or anything, but he is very angry and feeling useless. And probably prone to lashing out if provoked--things that would usually just make him laugh or sulk will probably make him try to kill people because, well. All this makes his head hurt and he hates thinking and he hates over-thinking even more. But as much as he considers it he can't see a way out of this that doesn't involve losing family--either Cyril and Road and the Earl and everyone because he'd side with Devit and be called a traitor and he doesn't want that at all, he wants his freedom, or he'll lose Devit and Jasdero because he decides to betray the twins and leave them to fend for themselves. That doesn't really sit well with him either, not out of a sense of nobility or anything, but because, again, he cares, and they got themselves into this stupid mess but still.
He feels abandoning Devit would be a bit like stabbing him in the back, as far as Tyki is concerned. And reminds him too uncomfortably of being killed by dreamofamemory. Devit being hunted reminds him too much of that. Family against family really, really is starting to wig him the hell out and he's half tempted to drink himself silly until everything is over--but again, that means giving up on Devit.
Tyki has no answer to the situation and sees no Good End. And to a man obsessed with pleasing himself, the lack of a Good End pisses him off and disturbs him, because he wants to have a choice and a say in the matter. Part of him of course just wants to say fuck it and tell Devit to deal with his fucking mess without his help, and he might. But even if he does there will still be the whole issue of still caring, and he might even feel bad about hanging Devit out to dry. And god forbid Tyki Mikk feel bad about doing something selfish.
Basically, the people Tyki loves are at odds and he can't do shit about it and it frustrates the crap out of him and they had to all go do this while he was still recovering from being killed by a version of the person he loves most in the world and his whole world view is being challenged and he's been thinking about everything way harder than he's used to and he's sick of it. Fucking family why does he love them.