Fic: Rule 34 (1/1)
Title: Rule 34
Author: cardiogod
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairing: Pete, Myka, Myka/HG
Spoilers: Post 4x02
Summary: “Still, Pete, I am not looking at tentacle porn with you.”
Author's Note: Idea provided by my lovely girlfriend, who knows a scary amount about tentacle porn.
“Come on, Mykes.”
“No.”
“You and I both know that the best way to fight fear is to look it in its mean, tentacle-y face.”
“Pete.”
“I mean, we have to get you over this, you know? What if we run across some Finding Nemo artifact one day that puts us in a room full of jellyfish? I’m gonna need you to bounce across the tops with me, Mykes, and you can’t do that if you’re paralyzed by your weird tentacle phobia.”
“That would never happen. It’s ridiculous.”
“It’s the Warehouse.”
He has a point.
“Still, Pete, I am not looking at tentacle porn with you.”
“Look, I know it’s a little weird because you’re kinda like my sister and not in the ‘We live in Kentucky and have an Uncle Dad so why not?’ kind of way, but it’s really for your own good.”
Pause.
“And mine. In case I need you to save me from something tentacle-y.”
“Stop saying that word.”
“Tentacle.”
“Pete.”
“Tentacle.”
“Stop it.”
“I’ll stop when you agree to my brilliant fear-fighting plan.”
“Not a chance.”
“Tentacle-y, tentacle-y tentacles.”
“That doesn’t even sound like a word anymore.”
“Tentacle, tentacle, tentacle.”
“Fine, Pete.”
“Yes! I win! Who’s the man?”
“You are. If by ‘the man,’ you mean ‘the man-child annoying enough that I’ll relent just to get him to shut up,’ then yeah, that’s you.”
He beams with pride. She rolls her eyes and tries not to smile.
This is their relationship.
Pete pulls out his computer and sets it in front of them. She’s still pretty sure she doesn’t want to see this (she’s pretty sure she doesn’t want to know it exists but that went out the window when Pete marched into the study, announcing “We’re going to watch tentacle porn!”) but she’s also pretty sure that she doesn’t want Pete to annoy her to death, so this may turn out to be the lesser of two evils.
“Okay, Mykes. Deep breath, close your eyes. Calm yourself. Picture yourself lying on a beach with the sun beating down and the water lapping at your feet - well… maybe not a beach on account of jellyfish. Scratch that. Picture yourself somewhere else, somewhere peaceful, maybe somewhere with flowers. Oooh, or cookies.”
She rolls her eyes, pulls his laptop toward her, and types “tentacle porn” into the Google search field.
She glances over at Pete. His eyes are closed and he’s too lost in his own thoughts to notice the bombardment of naked tentacle-y people on the computer screen. She shudders.
“Now, pretend that I have fantastic boobs, long hair, an English accent, and that I’m like 150 years old.”
“What?”
He opens his eyes and looks at her. “Come on, Mykes. Let’s be real, here. We both know you’d rather be watching porn with HG.”
“First, we are not watching porn. We may look at some pictures to appease you, but we’re not watching porn. Second, what does HG have to do with anything?”
“Well, aren’t you guys… you know… doing the nasty? Dancing the Sapphic tango? Bow-chicka-wow-wow?”
“No, Pete.”
“Oh.”
A pause.
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“Not ever?”
“Not ever.”
“Huh.”
Myka never would have thought she’d prefer tentacle porn as a topic of discussion.
“Why not?”
“Really, Pete? You want to go there?”
“I mean, Claudia saw her leaving your room the morning after Sykes, before HG left for Super Scary Regent HQ.”
“We were sleeping. There weren’t any available rooms.”
“Steve’s room was free.”
“He was dead, Pete. That’s creepy.”
“She’s a good kisser, you know.”
“Pete.”
“What? You might want to find out for yourself one day, and I thought you’d like to be informed. I know how you feel about knowledge and information.”
Myka raises an eyebrow.
“I’m just sayin’. Even though she was all scary and evil at the time, she still makes the top five. Lady’s got some mad skills.”
It’s not that she hasn’t thought about it. But really, between Helena being a bad guy, then an Agent, then a bad guy again, then a hologram, then Emily Lake, then herself but in mortal danger, then out of mortal danger and carted off by the Regents, when had there been time to do anything more than think?
“So. Why does tentacle porn exist?”
“Rule 34. She cares about you, you know. Like, she mega-cares.”
“I know. What’s rule 34?”
“Basically, the rule says that if something exists, there is porn for it. I think you love her back, Mykes.”
“… so who thought tentacles were sexy?”
“Probably some Japanese guy. Japan has all the weird stuff. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I just want you to know that I’m cool with it. With you and HG. But I don’t mean that in a porn-y kind of way. Not that you can’t be porn-y. I just mean that I’m not going to think about it. I’m not going to be porn-y. But you, by all means, be as porn-y as you want. But you’re kinda like my sister and even though you’re both really hot, I don’t need that in my brain. ‘Cuz I’m a dude and sometimes I can’t control things that happen.”
“Ew, Pete.”
“What? It happens. My point is, I’m down with the rainbow. And, even though, once upon a time, she tried to destroy us and the rest of the world, I’m down with HG, too.”
A pause.
“Now, on to project ‘Rule 34.’” He points to the screen, “This here is called the Fisherman’s Wife and it’s a perfect example of the woman/squid configuration. See how the tentacles wrap around…?”
Myka lasts forty-five minutes and thirteen images before she decides that she’s indulged Pete long enough and calls it quits.
“Fear’s cured, huh Mykes? Who was right? The Pete-ster, like usual.”
She grins. He’s a good friend. “Sure. Totally cured.”
She stands and walks towards the door before turning around to look at him. “Hey, Pete?”
“Yeah?”
“About HG? Thanks.”
“Artie said she’s coming home next week, you know.”
“I know.”
“So if y’all wanna do your porn-y things, I’ll keep the others out of the house.”
“That’s very kind of you, Pete.”
“Anytime, Mykes. Anytime.”
---
Author: cardiogod
Rating: PG-13
Characters/Pairing: Pete, Myka, Myka/HG
Spoilers: Post 4x02
Summary: “Still, Pete, I am not looking at tentacle porn with you.”
Author's Note: Idea provided by my lovely girlfriend, who knows a scary amount about tentacle porn.
“Come on, Mykes.”
“No.”
“You and I both know that the best way to fight fear is to look it in its mean, tentacle-y face.”
“Pete.”
“I mean, we have to get you over this, you know? What if we run across some Finding Nemo artifact one day that puts us in a room full of jellyfish? I’m gonna need you to bounce across the tops with me, Mykes, and you can’t do that if you’re paralyzed by your weird tentacle phobia.”
“That would never happen. It’s ridiculous.”
“It’s the Warehouse.”
He has a point.
“Still, Pete, I am not looking at tentacle porn with you.”
“Look, I know it’s a little weird because you’re kinda like my sister and not in the ‘We live in Kentucky and have an Uncle Dad so why not?’ kind of way, but it’s really for your own good.”
Pause.
“And mine. In case I need you to save me from something tentacle-y.”
“Stop saying that word.”
“Tentacle.”
“Pete.”
“Tentacle.”
“Stop it.”
“I’ll stop when you agree to my brilliant fear-fighting plan.”
“Not a chance.”
“Tentacle-y, tentacle-y tentacles.”
“That doesn’t even sound like a word anymore.”
“Tentacle, tentacle, tentacle.”
“Fine, Pete.”
“Yes! I win! Who’s the man?”
“You are. If by ‘the man,’ you mean ‘the man-child annoying enough that I’ll relent just to get him to shut up,’ then yeah, that’s you.”
He beams with pride. She rolls her eyes and tries not to smile.
This is their relationship.
Pete pulls out his computer and sets it in front of them. She’s still pretty sure she doesn’t want to see this (she’s pretty sure she doesn’t want to know it exists but that went out the window when Pete marched into the study, announcing “We’re going to watch tentacle porn!”) but she’s also pretty sure that she doesn’t want Pete to annoy her to death, so this may turn out to be the lesser of two evils.
“Okay, Mykes. Deep breath, close your eyes. Calm yourself. Picture yourself lying on a beach with the sun beating down and the water lapping at your feet - well… maybe not a beach on account of jellyfish. Scratch that. Picture yourself somewhere else, somewhere peaceful, maybe somewhere with flowers. Oooh, or cookies.”
She rolls her eyes, pulls his laptop toward her, and types “tentacle porn” into the Google search field.
She glances over at Pete. His eyes are closed and he’s too lost in his own thoughts to notice the bombardment of naked tentacle-y people on the computer screen. She shudders.
“Now, pretend that I have fantastic boobs, long hair, an English accent, and that I’m like 150 years old.”
“What?”
He opens his eyes and looks at her. “Come on, Mykes. Let’s be real, here. We both know you’d rather be watching porn with HG.”
“First, we are not watching porn. We may look at some pictures to appease you, but we’re not watching porn. Second, what does HG have to do with anything?”
“Well, aren’t you guys… you know… doing the nasty? Dancing the Sapphic tango? Bow-chicka-wow-wow?”
“No, Pete.”
“Oh.”
A pause.
“Really?”
“Yes, really.”
“Not ever?”
“Not ever.”
“Huh.”
Myka never would have thought she’d prefer tentacle porn as a topic of discussion.
“Why not?”
“Really, Pete? You want to go there?”
“I mean, Claudia saw her leaving your room the morning after Sykes, before HG left for Super Scary Regent HQ.”
“We were sleeping. There weren’t any available rooms.”
“Steve’s room was free.”
“He was dead, Pete. That’s creepy.”
“She’s a good kisser, you know.”
“Pete.”
“What? You might want to find out for yourself one day, and I thought you’d like to be informed. I know how you feel about knowledge and information.”
Myka raises an eyebrow.
“I’m just sayin’. Even though she was all scary and evil at the time, she still makes the top five. Lady’s got some mad skills.”
It’s not that she hasn’t thought about it. But really, between Helena being a bad guy, then an Agent, then a bad guy again, then a hologram, then Emily Lake, then herself but in mortal danger, then out of mortal danger and carted off by the Regents, when had there been time to do anything more than think?
“So. Why does tentacle porn exist?”
“Rule 34. She cares about you, you know. Like, she mega-cares.”
“I know. What’s rule 34?”
“Basically, the rule says that if something exists, there is porn for it. I think you love her back, Mykes.”
“… so who thought tentacles were sexy?”
“Probably some Japanese guy. Japan has all the weird stuff. If you don’t want to talk about it, that’s fine. I just want you to know that I’m cool with it. With you and HG. But I don’t mean that in a porn-y kind of way. Not that you can’t be porn-y. I just mean that I’m not going to think about it. I’m not going to be porn-y. But you, by all means, be as porn-y as you want. But you’re kinda like my sister and even though you’re both really hot, I don’t need that in my brain. ‘Cuz I’m a dude and sometimes I can’t control things that happen.”
“Ew, Pete.”
“What? It happens. My point is, I’m down with the rainbow. And, even though, once upon a time, she tried to destroy us and the rest of the world, I’m down with HG, too.”
A pause.
“Now, on to project ‘Rule 34.’” He points to the screen, “This here is called the Fisherman’s Wife and it’s a perfect example of the woman/squid configuration. See how the tentacles wrap around…?”
Myka lasts forty-five minutes and thirteen images before she decides that she’s indulged Pete long enough and calls it quits.
“Fear’s cured, huh Mykes? Who was right? The Pete-ster, like usual.”
She grins. He’s a good friend. “Sure. Totally cured.”
She stands and walks towards the door before turning around to look at him. “Hey, Pete?”
“Yeah?”
“About HG? Thanks.”
“Artie said she’s coming home next week, you know.”
“I know.”
“So if y’all wanna do your porn-y things, I’ll keep the others out of the house.”
“That’s very kind of you, Pete.”
“Anytime, Mykes. Anytime.”
---