Why's it still hurt so much?
Saw my former writing partner's livejournal today. Found out she's posting one of our stories, initially was a bit confused but she's right I did say to do what she wants with it, so I'm not going to argue. In reality I'm going okay, if you want let's put things back up. Just not write anymore...
It was the other things that got to me. Like the note she put up that was her side of things. I get that we have different points of view, I do. But how did we truly become our main characters? How did we come to this? I dont' know. I know that admittedly while I've thought about her the last few weeks, I haven't had the urge to write her, mostly I think because based on recent history her response is going to do nothing but hurt somehow and I'm tired of being hurt, of walking through a door knowing that I'm going to get hurt. I'm trying to be an adult, and it's pretty damn hard considering until I was 24 I had no control over my own life and i'm still trying to figure out everything. But hey, I get my bills paid, I have food, and I'm dealing with constant migraines, I don't mean a migraine a week, I mean migraines that are Constant! One breaks and another starts the next day. My doctor can't figure out if it's hormonal, if it's environment, if it's this or that and he's playing roulette currently trying to find a medication that will work. And in the mean time, I live with the pain, I sleep as much as I can because my body's response is to shut down when it's in that much pain, and when I'm awake I deal with life, with making sure bills are paid, with making sure I've got food, and yes admittedly with help out with Rose because that little girl looks to me as one of her 'people'. Yesterrday I sat outside and watched the sunrise, froze my ass off, but I did it. Figured hey I was up, why not. I come upstairs and find out Rose woke up, came to my room, found her mom and not me, and got really upset and the moment I came in, Andrea went there's auntie lou lou, I got pounced with a hug and she didn't let me out of her sight until she fell asleep again.
Point A) How do you not love that? That this amazing creature who's beautiful as hell and completely one of a kind is that attatched to you. Point B) How can you not take care of her whenever she asks it? Or at least try to?
And I try to help Andrea and Elliot whenever I can, because I want to. Because I love them. They turn around and help me. They take care of me when I'm completely not up to taking care of myself becasue of whatever reason, pain, depression, whatever. And Gods love them for it cause I'm not the easiest person to live with at times I'm sure. Then again who can sit and say they're 'easy' to live with, everyone's got their issues.
So yeah, my former writing partner apparently was informed of the letter I sent out to some people giving them the heads up I was going to be writing her. And it apparently pissed her off and it was a good thing she got that email AFTER she replied to an email I sent her for the day. So you'd think that she'd nto be expecting to hear from me? Yet as of the 28th she was still making comments about how she hadn't heard from me, and seemed to slightly be speculating as to why.
So, she's not going to come to me anymore. I can't bring myself to come to her anymore really because it hurts too much. And she seems to want a friendship still? But she isn't goign to be the one to start things because I hurt her and I broke her trust and "I know how hard it is to earn her trust" so I have to earn it again. Funny thing is, she seems to not care about how she hurt me. She's not the only one that has trust issues. Course I'm the opposite, I'll trust you from the moment I meet you. You have to prove me wrong. And I will take so much god damn crap before I walk away. Look at Michelle, she nearly killed me a few times. Look at Sam, i defended her to Everyone, including my family, until she went off, broke her word to me, moved out, and tried to keep the money she owed me and mom. Michelle when the end finally came didn't hurt so much, I know without a doubt I'm better off for my own sanity. Sam, hurt like a mother fucker, almost as bad as it did when Tony's family (ok his sister on behalf of the family) said I was never family and they only cared about me for his sake (a complete opposite from the comments made nine months earlier) and couldn't understand why I was crying, the people who were part of the main reason I never told of my abuse not loving me was a good thing. (yeah... how do I end up with this relationships?).
And then there's this, there's my girl, who was my big sis in every way I could think of, and how much it fucking hurt over the last months when I'd get an email that was nothing but if not necessarily yelling at me, complaining at me for not being online and badmouthing my roommate's on occasion who sit and did nothing but encourage me that she and I could get through this and would pick me up and try to keep me from breaking whenever I'd fall to pieces after something with her.
You'd think after almost a year, I'd be use to the pain. I'd be use to the fact that she can hurt me like almost no one else save my mother, grandmother, and my ex-stepfamily. And yet, I'm not. I don't know why I went to see what was going on at her livejournal today after hearing about it. Maybe I am a bit of a masochist like Elliot jokes. Don't know why I wrote her either to tell her hey, go ahead and post things, and whiel I was at it did a brief response to her last email. Now I guess I get to wait and see what happens, if she responds, or if she doesn't.
Funny thing, the one thing that I can't get out of my head right now is wondering, who is it that sent her a copy of the email I sent out. I know one person that it wasn't, at least I'm beyond sure it wasnt' them, but the others... I don't know. And I can't help but wonder if it was Seb, haven't heard from him since then. Should send him a birthday card online though while I can. Since dont' have the international stamps and all that. Of course on that same note, only one person every responded to me after that, I guess I can figure that the rest either didn't care, or don't want to be in the middle, or don't want contact with me. Who knows. I'm gonna just have to let it go I guess.
I just wish it didn't hurt.
Gods being human sucks
It was the other things that got to me. Like the note she put up that was her side of things. I get that we have different points of view, I do. But how did we truly become our main characters? How did we come to this? I dont' know. I know that admittedly while I've thought about her the last few weeks, I haven't had the urge to write her, mostly I think because based on recent history her response is going to do nothing but hurt somehow and I'm tired of being hurt, of walking through a door knowing that I'm going to get hurt. I'm trying to be an adult, and it's pretty damn hard considering until I was 24 I had no control over my own life and i'm still trying to figure out everything. But hey, I get my bills paid, I have food, and I'm dealing with constant migraines, I don't mean a migraine a week, I mean migraines that are Constant! One breaks and another starts the next day. My doctor can't figure out if it's hormonal, if it's environment, if it's this or that and he's playing roulette currently trying to find a medication that will work. And in the mean time, I live with the pain, I sleep as much as I can because my body's response is to shut down when it's in that much pain, and when I'm awake I deal with life, with making sure bills are paid, with making sure I've got food, and yes admittedly with help out with Rose because that little girl looks to me as one of her 'people'. Yesterrday I sat outside and watched the sunrise, froze my ass off, but I did it. Figured hey I was up, why not. I come upstairs and find out Rose woke up, came to my room, found her mom and not me, and got really upset and the moment I came in, Andrea went there's auntie lou lou, I got pounced with a hug and she didn't let me out of her sight until she fell asleep again.
Point A) How do you not love that? That this amazing creature who's beautiful as hell and completely one of a kind is that attatched to you. Point B) How can you not take care of her whenever she asks it? Or at least try to?
And I try to help Andrea and Elliot whenever I can, because I want to. Because I love them. They turn around and help me. They take care of me when I'm completely not up to taking care of myself becasue of whatever reason, pain, depression, whatever. And Gods love them for it cause I'm not the easiest person to live with at times I'm sure. Then again who can sit and say they're 'easy' to live with, everyone's got their issues.
So yeah, my former writing partner apparently was informed of the letter I sent out to some people giving them the heads up I was going to be writing her. And it apparently pissed her off and it was a good thing she got that email AFTER she replied to an email I sent her for the day. So you'd think that she'd nto be expecting to hear from me? Yet as of the 28th she was still making comments about how she hadn't heard from me, and seemed to slightly be speculating as to why.
So, she's not going to come to me anymore. I can't bring myself to come to her anymore really because it hurts too much. And she seems to want a friendship still? But she isn't goign to be the one to start things because I hurt her and I broke her trust and "I know how hard it is to earn her trust" so I have to earn it again. Funny thing is, she seems to not care about how she hurt me. She's not the only one that has trust issues. Course I'm the opposite, I'll trust you from the moment I meet you. You have to prove me wrong. And I will take so much god damn crap before I walk away. Look at Michelle, she nearly killed me a few times. Look at Sam, i defended her to Everyone, including my family, until she went off, broke her word to me, moved out, and tried to keep the money she owed me and mom. Michelle when the end finally came didn't hurt so much, I know without a doubt I'm better off for my own sanity. Sam, hurt like a mother fucker, almost as bad as it did when Tony's family (ok his sister on behalf of the family) said I was never family and they only cared about me for his sake (a complete opposite from the comments made nine months earlier) and couldn't understand why I was crying, the people who were part of the main reason I never told of my abuse not loving me was a good thing. (yeah... how do I end up with this relationships?).
And then there's this, there's my girl, who was my big sis in every way I could think of, and how much it fucking hurt over the last months when I'd get an email that was nothing but if not necessarily yelling at me, complaining at me for not being online and badmouthing my roommate's on occasion who sit and did nothing but encourage me that she and I could get through this and would pick me up and try to keep me from breaking whenever I'd fall to pieces after something with her.
You'd think after almost a year, I'd be use to the pain. I'd be use to the fact that she can hurt me like almost no one else save my mother, grandmother, and my ex-stepfamily. And yet, I'm not. I don't know why I went to see what was going on at her livejournal today after hearing about it. Maybe I am a bit of a masochist like Elliot jokes. Don't know why I wrote her either to tell her hey, go ahead and post things, and whiel I was at it did a brief response to her last email. Now I guess I get to wait and see what happens, if she responds, or if she doesn't.
Funny thing, the one thing that I can't get out of my head right now is wondering, who is it that sent her a copy of the email I sent out. I know one person that it wasn't, at least I'm beyond sure it wasnt' them, but the others... I don't know. And I can't help but wonder if it was Seb, haven't heard from him since then. Should send him a birthday card online though while I can. Since dont' have the international stamps and all that. Of course on that same note, only one person every responded to me after that, I guess I can figure that the rest either didn't care, or don't want to be in the middle, or don't want contact with me. Who knows. I'm gonna just have to let it go I guess.
I just wish it didn't hurt.
Gods being human sucks