What happens at Crane, Poole & Schmidt....

[carl_sack_esq]

OOC: This was a joint collaboration/RP, so thank you to the writers of: alan_shore  , mr_colbert  and tough_schmidt /
slightly_jumpy  for allowing me to post this here.



Standing in the middle of the Crane, Poole & Schmidt lobby, Carl Sack looks with distaste at the poster that Stephen Colbert holds out.

Carl Sack:*groan* This isn't costing the firm money, is it? We're not dealing with potential lawsuits from this, Denny.
Stephen Colbert: No one's sued. So far we've only received positive feedback. And my name's Stephen, not Denny.
Carl Sack: I wasn't addressing -you-, Colbert. I was addressing -Denny-. Or has he had to have someone become his legal guardian now?
Stephen Colbert: Denny's not here, genius.
Carl Sack : Whatever. I just assumed he was lurking somewhere. You're both alike. It doesn't really matter.
Stephen Colbert: We are alike except in the sense that I am vastly better looking
Carl Sack: Which isn't saying much.

Stephen Colbert: Says the man with no pigment in his hair
Carl Sack: I'm secure enough in my own good looks to not need hair dye. Besides, Shirley likes it well enough.
Stephen Colbert: Unlike most, the Shirley card doesn't work on me
Carl Sack: *smirk* Lovely. My point is still the same--I don't need hair dye or face lifts...*little laugh* I can't say the same for Denny...
Stephen Colbert: Denny doesn't do facelifts, it's Botox. Really now, if you're going to be a high class lawyer you have to know these things.
Carl Sack: Considering I've never needed it? I don't need to know. Ah, botulism. Well that explains a lot.
Stephen Colbert: You've never needed it, but I'd imagine you'd have to deal with the industry in lawsuits
Carl Sack: We don't take -frivolous- lawsuits here. *sarcastic* And unless there was money on it, that's the sort of thing I pass on to my minions--I mean, junior associates.

Stephen Colbert: I remember Ms. Bauer taking a plastic surgery case. Does she count as a minion?
Carl Sack: Bauer? I don't think I've heard of her....plastic surgery is one thing. Injecting something that's related to biological warfare into your body voluntarily is another story.
Stephen Colbert: *beams as if this is a compliment* Wouldn't expect anything less from Denny!
Carl Sack:*incredulous stare*

Stephen Colbert: Why do people always give me that look?
Carl Sack :I can think of several reasons. At the moment, I'd say that one would have to be insane to think biological warfare in one's body is a good thing. *suspicious look* What's next? Anthrax in the Halloween candy?
Stephen Colbert: *shocked* I'm no terrorist! Biological warfare in the body goes on all the time. Most people call it antibiotics.
Carl Sack: You were talking about botulism, not penicillin. *makes a face*
Stephen Colbert: *waves a hand* Botulism, penicillin, close enough. They both have vowels and consonants.
Carl Sack: *blinks* They do. Roosters have eyes and a beak. I guess that makes you and them practically cousins.
Stephen Colbert: We're all God's creatures you know

Carl Sack: *smirk* And God does have a sense of humor. Look at the platypus.
Stephen Colbert: I was thinking of fireflies. Their asses GLOW
Carl Sack: Ah, yes but you can catch them and use them for light.
Stephen Colbert: Until they die and your kid cries because they killed their nightlight
Carl Sack: *snort* I don't have small children.
Stephen Colbert: You don't have your own spawn? How else do you train an army?
Carl Sack: *blinks* Army?
Stephen Colbert: My kids are not only citizens of the Colbert Nation, but founding members of its military too
Carl Sack: ...that's.....frightening.
Stephen Colbert: *points* It's practical
Carl Sack: Practical to train your children for armed warfare?

Alan Shore: *wanders in* Stephen. Carl. How go the plans for world domination?
Carl Sack: Oh, if I told you, I'd have to kill you.

Stephen Colbert: Not going too well, Carl doesn't believe in the Colbert army's ideals
Carl Sack: What can I say? I think children with guns are best left in third world countries.
Stephen Colbert: I'm just training them at this point. They're only allowed to have super soakers.
Alan Shore : You could probably successfully invade Luxembourg with those.
Carl Sack: *eyeroll*
Alan Shore: I'm beginning to wish I had one now...
Stephen Colbert: A super soaker?
Alan Shore: Yes. An army of children would only force me to take them all for ice cream.
Carl Sack: And curse benevolence to children. *flat*
Stephen Colbert: I have plenty of water guns stashed away in my personal armory. I'll bring one for you
Carl Sack: I have bear mace. It's rather useful around here.
Stephen Colbert: It is useful everywhere
Crane, Poole & Schmidt Intern: *runs by, screaming* MY EYES!!
Carl Sack: ....I should really keep that in a safe place. Interns are like three-year olds when it comes to things they shouldn't touch. Or maybe he just saw Clarence on YouTube.
Alan Shore: Maybe I should run and check whether Denny has his pants on...

Stephen Colbert: One of your employees is on YouTube? I thought that was a showcase for ME
Alan Shore: Viacom thought otherwise.

Carl Sack: ...Denny damn well better have his pants on. And if he doesn't I hope he's nowhere near my mace....amusing as that would be.
Stephen Colbert: Wait... mace works differently if you don't have pants?
Carl Sack: ...depends on where you aim it.
Stephen Colbert: What about if you aimed it at your balls?
Carl Sack: I don't know--why don't you try that on yourself and tell us how that works out.
Stephen Colbert: No thanks. Alan, wanna try?
Carl Sack: Denny claims to have balls of steel. I say you let him have a go.

Alan Shore: ...once you're elected, why don't you fund a scientific study.
Stephen Colbert: We should, I'd rather not have Denny spray himself. We can't impair such a great man, just in case there are any negative side effects. We should spray willing volunteers who are dedicated to the cause

Shirley Schmidt: *walks up to the trio*...I heard mace, balls, and Denny.
Carl Sack: .....ah. Shirley. *smiles*
Shirley Schmidt: Carl. I don't know what you're discussing, but stop it.
Carl Sack: *blinks* I thought freedom of speech was still numero uno in this country.

Stephen Colbert: We're conducting a scientific experiment. May I spray your balls, Shirley?
Shirley Schmidt: We're playing in the grown-up end of the pool, remember? Unless you'd like that to STOP.

Shirley Schmidt: *glare* Excuse me, Mr. Colbert?
Alan Shore: *stage whisper* You'll have to excuse Shirley, Stephen. She's in awe.
Carl Sack: Of what? His small stature? *smiles*

Stephen Colbert: You do have rather exquisite femme-balls. Your gravitas in the courtroom shows that they are of size that would be useful to spray in such an experiment.
Stephen Colbert: *scowls* My stature is majestic.

Shirley Schmidt: Femme....Stephen. I’m going to assume you were interviewing Willie Nelson again.
Shirley Schmidt: *looks at Colbert's fly* And it's not so majestic from where I'm standing.
Stephen Colbert: *grins* but you looked
Shirley Schmidt:Yes, I did. And it didn't burn like mace. Was that the question?
Carl Sack: *smirking*
Stephen Colbert: *to Alan* She shows her awe in a funny way...
Shirley Schmidt: Thank GOD Denny's not here. It would be like a junior high school with viagra in the water fountains.
Alan Shore: ...completely redundant?
Shirley Schmidt: Don't you three have work to do?
Stephen Colbert: You're not the boss of me.
Shirley Schmidt: Obviously. Your boss seems to be *checks his fly again* out.
Alan Shore: Perhaps he's gone fishing.
Stephen Colbert: *takes the hint and pulls up his zipper* You know the saying: "It's not how deep you fish, it's how you wiggle your worm"

Carl Sack: *shudders* Please let's not discuss Viagra and Colbert OR Denny's balls any more. And I -am- working. Unlike some people at this firm, I'm always working.
Shirley Schmidt: Yes, Carl, and we're all so proud of the way you handled the cock.
Stephen Colbert: He's not handling MY cock.
Shirley Schmidt : He's very good at it.
Carl Sack: The only person who could have done it better would have been you, Shirley. We all know how good you are at....*stops himself*
Shirley Schmidt : *GLARE*
Carl Sack: *smiles* Winning cases.

Shirley Schmidt: I heard the point of contention was that the losing cock had its HEAD PECKED OFF. Imagine that.
Carl Sack: *loses a little color to his face, looks....slightly frightened* Yes, well. *clears his throat*

Shirley Schmidt: Oh, Alan, how IS Lorraine?
Stephen Colbert: Who's Lorraine?
Shirley Schmidt: She's an associate who's been working very closely with Alan...
Carl Sack: *P.A. voice* Clean-up on Elevator 2....
Alan Shore: *helpfully* And also a region in France.
Carl Sack: Oh, I'm sure she's known in regions of France.
Shirley Schmidt : There's nothing wrong with France, despite what Denny says.

Stephen Colbert: Somehow I don't think the Lorraine they're talking about is French soil, Alan.
Alan Shore: I think...I think perhaps you shouldn't be jumping to conclusions, Stephen.
Shirley Schmidt: Alan? You mean you haven't told Stephen about Lorriane?
Alan Shore: *miserably* ...the region in France?
Stephen Colbert: *crosses arms* Are you keeping things from your co-BFF?

Shirley Schmidt: No. The charming, intelligent....*lovely* young woman you've been working on...I mean, with. *thinks: and THAT's for the pregnant comment!*
Alan Shore : One day you'll admit the only reason you brought her here was so that you could watch me squirm.
Shirley Schmidt: That was an image I didn't want, Alan.

Stephen Colbert: *directly* Alan, are you doing her?
Alan Shore: No! Not...currently.
Shirley Schmidt: You mean not at this moment.
Carl Sack: *watches, amused*
Alan Shore: *frowns* Not at this moment, nor in ten minute's time, nor in...an hour...
Shirley Schmidt: This evening?
Stephen Colbert: But she's your screw buddy.
Shirley Schmidt: *eyebug*
Stephen Colbert: Are your allergies acting up, Shirley?
Alan Shore: *hisses* She is not my anything!
Shirley Schmidt: That's an indelicate way to put it.
Stephen Colbert: Delicacy is for losers. I'm a winner.

Jerry Espensen: *Jerry Espensen walks by in time to hear "screwbuddy," EEPS and hops away FAST*
Stephen Colbert: If she's not anything why is everyone talking about her?
Shirley Schmidt: I see why Denny likes you.
Stephen Colbert: *waves cheerily at Jerry before he hops away*
Jerry Espensen : *Jerry may be dead of embarrassment*

Alan Shore: *desperately wants to headdesk*
Stephen Colbert: Anyone with taste likes me, just ask Carl.
Shirley Schmidt : I don't want to taste you. Right now, I don't much feel like tasting Carl.
Stephen Colbert: Would you like to *shameless plug here* taste some Americone Dream Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream?
Shirley Schmidt: I eat Haagen Daz.

Alan Shore: *pulls out a pack of gum* Chiclet?
Stephen Colbert: Ooh, I'll take one!
Shirley Schmidt: No, thank you. Why have you and Denny been chewing those so much?

Carl Sack: *looks up* Just ask Carl what?
Stephen Colbert: You must not be American if you don't like Ben and Jerry's

Stephen Colbert: *to Carl* I said that you have taste
Carl Sack: I -do-.

Shirley Schmidt: I take issue with their enforced citizenship policies.
Alan Shore : *hands a piece of gum over to Stephen and pops one--no, two--in his own mouth*
Shirley Schmidt: Also, I'm surprised you support a Vermont based company, Stephen....surely it's not because they appealed to your vanity?

Carl Sack: Don't tell me that Denny told you that Chiclets quell lust. *scoffing*
Alan Shore: I don't chew and tell.
Carl Sack: Please. He's been pulling that since...forever. Chiclets indeed. The real question is why his -mother- was the one who shared that advice with him. *shudder*
Alan Shore : *to Carl* No, the real question is why he chose to share it with you.
Carl Sack: Did I say he chose to share it with me? I did not.

Stephen Colbert: *likewise pops the gum in his mouth* I have no vanity, I'm the most humble person on earth!
Shirley Schmidt: I see. Where do you keep the award for that?
Stephen Colbert: On my award showcase shelf of course!
Shirley Schmidt: I'm sure it's quite tasteful.
Stephen Colbert: *points* NAILED YOU! I said that I knew you had taste and you tried to deflect my comment. I. Win.
Shirley Schmidt: Stephen. That is the ONLY way you will ever "nail" me. Congratulations.

Stephen Colbert: Don't kid yourself, I don't want to nail you in the other way. My wife has much less wrinkles.
Shirley Schmidt: Very gracious of you.
Stephen Colbert: Always. *bows with a flourish*

Alan Shore : Is the youtube video already up, then?
Carl Sack: Of?
Alan Shore: *to Carl*...nothing. Forget it.
Carl Sack: *looks suspiciously at Alan*
Alan Shore: *offers Carl gum*
Carl Sack: *smirk* Thanks, but unlike some people, I don't need to hide my attraction to the object of my affection....
Alan Shore : *laughs* I suspect the object of your attraction may take issue with that
.
Carl Sack: *looks at Alan* It only makes her more attractive when she's all riled up.
Shirley Schmidt: *glares, warning tone* Carl.
Carl Sack : I'm getting hotter just standing here.
Stephen Colbert: ...You're not trying to turn me gay are you?

Shirley Schmidt: *grabs his ear* Senior partner, Carl, senior partner.
Carl Sack: *winces*
Alan Shore: This is so enormously unfair.

Carl Sack: I wasn't talking about -you-, Colbert....obviously....*manages to step away from Shirley, straightens his suit, then mumbles* I think I need a cold shower.

Stephen Colbert: *looks at Alan and speaks in anguish* I don't know what to do anymoooore!
Alan Shore: I hear bear mace works just as well.
Carl Sack: Har har. You try it first.
Stephen Colbert: I thought we agreed to try it on interns.
Shirley Schmidt: And here we are again back at the bear mace. No one is trying anything on interns....
Alan Shore: I have my own homeopathic remedy. Courtesy of Denny.

Crane, Poole & Schmidt Intern:: *the hapless intern walks by, being blindly guided by an EMT*
Carl Sack: ...too late.
Shirley Schmidt: *eyebug* CARL!
Carl Sack: ....he was like that when I got there.

Stephen Colbert: *points and laughs at the intern*
Shirley Schmidt: If this costs the firm any money...
Carl Sack: He signed an accident waiver form upon his hire, didn't he? *brow raise*
Shirley Schmidt: That's not the point!
Stephen Colbert: Yeah, the point is we have beings to work with in our experiments!
Alan Shore : One day they'll rise up against you. Just ask Stephen about Tad.
Stephen Colbert: Tad hasn't risen up to do anything other than get me coffee.
Shirley Schmidt: *looks like she wants to strangle all of them* Back to work. You're wasting valuable company time. *checks her watch* And I have a meeting. *turns to go*

Carl Sack: *little wave*
Stephen Colbert: *beams* She still can't tell me what to do
Carl Sack: Can anyone, Stephen? Other than...*indicating his fly area* Little Stephen?
Alan Shore: Thank God you didn't call it "Stephen Jr."
Stephen Colbert: *glowers* My penis is NOT Stephen Jr!
Carl Sack: Junior would imply it could rise to the stature of whatever is Senior of it *scoff*
Stephen Colbert: Stephen Jr is my SON, stop your disrespectful talk!
Carl Sack: *hands up* I didn't say he couldn't. I said Little Stephen couldn't.
Alan Shore: I said nothing! You know how much I adore Stephen, Jr.
Carl Sack: *snort*
Stephen Colbert: I don't blame you, Alan. He still asks for your bedtime stories
Carl Sack: That's...special.
Stephen Colbert: *glares at Carl, still assuming that everything that comes out of his mouth is an insult toward his son*
Alan Shore: Oh, is he back in the states?
Carl Sack : I have no qualms with your son, Stephen. Your penis is another matter.
Alan Shore: What'd Stephen's penis ever do to you?
Alan Shore: ...you know what, I don't want to know.
Stephen Colbert: For now he is, hopefully he doesn't try to run away again.

Carl Sack: *snort*
Stephen Colbert: Don't hate my penis because it's beautiful. Hate it because your girlfriend openly ogled it.
Carl Sack: No, I believe she said it was so miniscule she couldn't be bothered with it. *smirk*
Stephen Colbert: *rolls eyes* That's a standard insult. I think you both need to learn some creativity
Carl Sack: *smirk*
Stephen Colbert: I could hold a workshop. You'd get a free tshirt of course
Carl Sack: "Intelligent Insults the Colbert Way"?
Stephen Colbert: Exactly, with segments addressing the ever important finger point and eyebrow raise
Carl Sack: *sarcastic* You should trademark those before some other schmuck gets a similar idea.
Stephen Colbert: Already done. haven't you heard of the Col-brow?
Carl Sack: No, I haven't.
Alan Shore: Probably because no one but Stephen can use the phrase without paying a premium.
Carl Sack: And I'm sure you took care of all the legal work with that.
Stephen Colbert: And what incredible legal work it was
Carl Sack: I'm sure you and Alan do lots of incredible legal work together.

Carl Sack : Tell me, Stephen. If a scandal should erupt with you at the center--would they call it...Colgate?
Alan Shore: Think of all the people you could sue for trademark infringement--a college and a toothpaste manufacturer.
Carl Sack: Or they'd sue him.
Stephen Colbert: *smiles at the remark* Indeed they would, but I would never get into a scandal in the first place. My morals are much too shiny clean.
Carl Sack : Much like so many Colgate-cleaned teeth. *dry*
Alan Shore : I smell an endorsement deal.

Stephen Colbert: And the college could escape my scorn if it gave me an honorary degree
Carl Sack: *mutters* He -would-...
Stephen Colbert: I'm sorry, please speak up. I can't hear you over the roar of my success.
Alan Shore: I have a very sensitive nose. Don't make fun.
Carl Sack: *mutters* Massachusetts quack jobs, every one of them. *and then, more audibly, with a smile* Nothing, Stephen. Just thinking of all the interns I still need to terrify today.
Stephen Colbert: But you're talking to us because we're more interesting than interns
Carl Sack: I find you absolutely fascinating. In the same way I do my can of bear mace. Or a discussion with Denny Crane. *flat*

Alan Shore: ...you're curious as to what would happen if Stephen were applied to your balls?
Carl Sack: NO.
Stephen Colbert: I KNEW he was trying to turn me gay!
Carl Sack: I find my bear mace novel. I also find Stephen rather novel.

Stephen Colbert: *eyes Carl* ...you weren't a baby carrot in your past life were you?
Carl Sack: ....why would I be a baby carrot?
Stephen Colbert: No reason. Just asking.
Alan Shore : What terrible thing could a baby carrot have possibly done to merit reincarnation as him?
Stephen Colbert: Maybe it didn't get along with the other carrots in the package
Carl Sack: Please. If I were going to be reincarnated as a vegetable, I'd at least be a cucumber. A robust cucumber.
Stephen Colbert: you aren't being reincarnated, the baby carrot was reincarnated as you
Carl Sack : Whatever. The cucumber would be reincarnated as me, then. *eyeroll*
Stephen Colbert: No way, you're definitely the carrot.
Carl Sack: Who died and made you Buddha?
Stephen Colbert: Buddha.
Carl Sack: Riiiight.

Much as he wants to continue this enlightening conversation, Carl is called into a meeting himself and leaves shortly after, bidding Mr. Colbert and Mr. Shore goodbye, at least for now.